/fallen/ - the fallen human

as a young child, there was a period where i had nightmares a lot. maybe around 6-8 years old, or something like that. often it would be a simple sort of situation involving something chasing me, like an alien or a monster or something. sometimes it would involve a robber breaking into our house. a common type of nightmare i had involved people randomly turning aggressive, or objects coming to life and attacking me. if they have eyes, they usually turned red. then it would pretty much instantly get me and kill me. a common extension of that kind of dream involves dolls or toys, they were a common thing to come to life in dreams like that. or maybe it would be more subtle at first, like their eyes following me or something. that was always a big fear of mine.

another common theme would be people not being able to hear me, or not believing me when i tell them something, or simply just ignoring me or acting as though i don't exist. that happened a lot in those types of dreams. it would be especially painful and terrifying when even my own parents wouldn't be able to listen or care. sometimes they would even watch as i got attacked or killed by whatever it is that's trying to hurt me, completely uncaring. or they'd just keep ignoring it. i think one of if not the only time i ever had something like a sleep paralysis, i was lying on the couch at my grandmother's house as floating objects started to surround and torment me. and when i would try to scream for help, nothing would even come out. just this horrible, raspy breath noise. nothing else. and no one ever came to help.

one dream i had as a kid involved this strange underground sewer dungeon-type area. it was sort of like an unfinished area in a video game, in the sense that for one there was no real lighting, just a dim light that spread evenly throughout just enough so that you could see. and everything was made of this smooth, dull turquoise-colored material, just a solid texture for everything. it was a very large, spacious area that seemed to go on forever, but a thick layer of grey fog essentially acted as a sort of "render distance" to make sure you could never see too far. everything also had sort of a pixel-y or murky look to it, almost like a video with a bad bitrate.

the actual layout of the place though was again, sort of like a sewer. but it was much more spacious vertically, and in that sense was more like a prison, with stair-step type floors going up very far, and a curved ceiling at the distant top. there were guard railings on all the floors, and plenty of prison cells with bars and all. going with the sewer aspect though there was of course a stream of water going along the very bottom middle between each side, with bridges occasionally going across. the more general layout was very mazelike, again seeming quite infinite and having the occasional intersection which splits off into four directions.

i remember in the dream it was essentially a clown prison, inhabited by, well, clowns. it was mostly empty with no actual prisoners though, just the group of evil clowns chasing me and my family. the place itself was always more interesting to me than the actual situation, which is sort of silly. i can't remember if we got away in the end or not.

one of the strangest nightmares i've ever had was somewhat of a recurring one. it is also sort of difficult to describe. i guess i can start with a little context.

something else that scared me a lot as a kid was technology going "wrong" or "rogue," or becoming possessed even, or something else like that. creepypasta always got to me pretty bad for that reason, especially concerning video games. something about the idea of playing a game and having it go completely out of control or to find something i really, really was not supposed to scared the hell out of me. so, naturally, i had plenty of nightmares about just that. but one of them was always worse.

i've only had this dream a handful of times, even somewhat recently, but it always goes essentially the same way. it's hard to remember many details even now, but the first thing that seems to happen is that i find a strange game online somehow. it might be on accident or a purposeful curiosity, but i launch it anyway. there's something like a command line that appears, and you have to do something there. the text might be incomprehensible, but i don't know. another part of the game involves a sort of top-down RPG type gameplay, walking around this cavern type area, sort of like a maze.

playing the game, i always feel deeply unsettled and strange, like something terrible is going to happen. yet, i always reluctantly continue. but then, eventually, something happens. i think the point where it happens is different each time, sometimes you get put back to the command line part after doing the cavern maze and then it happens, or sometimes there has been this arcade machine at the end of the maze which upon being interacted with activates whatever it is.

regardless of when it happens, what happens is something i'm not sure how to describe. the one thing i know about it though is that it always gives me one of the most impossibly terrifying feelings that i think i've ever experienced in a dream or perhaps otherwise. it's just for a moment before the whole dream ends and i wake up, but it's like this powerful burst of fear and extreme uncertainty. like something so incomprehensible and infinite that you can't help but feel this overwhelming sense of dread and doom and terror. i don't know. but waking up from that always heightened my fear of going back to sleep, because i really, really did not want to experience whatever that was again.

and as a side note to that, one of the worst things about it after the fact was how alone it made me feel, and in the worst possible way. as in, it was so incomprehensible and hard to describe that i knew i could never really convey that to anyone, and thus could never really get any true understanding or comfort from it. it was one of those things that only you could ever know, and only you were up against and had to deal with. something about that total isolation always made the idea of having it again even worse. that's the horrible thing about dreams in general sometimes. there's no one but you around to help, and you're trapped inside your own mind until it decides to let you free. it can be an awful, awful thing.

a couple dreams i've had lately both involve myself having these bleeding wounds from seemingly nothing in particular.

one dream had just one part but it involved myself feeling this pain, and then looking at my bare chest in the mirror and seeing some kind of bloody gash or series of gashes around the middle of my chest. i don't remember much aside from that.

another one was more detailed and involved me getting cuts and gashes all over somehow. my legs, arms, torso, face, everything. and i could sort of feel them but pretended they weren't a problem, until people around me literally just kind of told me it was serious and tried to help me patch it all up.

that's about it. just thought it was something interesting i guess. i don't know.

i've been having a lot of dreams lately involving myself being at thrift stores and looking around, sometimes finding camcorders or something else of interest. i suppose there is so little going on in my existence, this is the only regular activity of note that my brain can think to emulate. i have had at least 5-8 dreams involving being at thrift stores so far, maybe even more.

i guess it's kind of interesting.