>shy nerd kid didnt talk
>summer between middle and highschool parents divorce
>mom moves out and does weird things
>small town still see her
>mid 2000s 9/11 still fresh
>high school was gonna go into the army.
>tool.fpsactionmovie.paintball/airsoft
>Dead set on it, told everyone.
>didnt even apply for scholarships to anything
>senior year 2005 i get in touch with a recruiter.
>bring up how i take adderal every day for ADD.
>get shutdown, need to be off stimulants for a year.
>knew i was addicted and couldn't cope without.
>no worries had a 3.8gpa and basically an art prodigy.
>just need to make shit for life. forget about military
>Had shit social skills and never got laid. nice guy
>Mr. Cope, dont do, dont regret, take the high road.
>graduate 06
>first summer free babysit disabled neighbor kid and his sisters
>normal kid but degenerative disease rendered him paralyzed waist down
>had to wipe him every day, get the shitty shit out of the way early.
>shrug it off
>mom is bypolar addict and cancerous to me and dad. skimmed my prescription, drunk, gambler
>get done baby sitting never talk to kid again.
>07 move in with dad to new town where he had daughters from a previous marriage, rarely talk with mom from then on
>highspeed Internet vidya/porn dive in the deep end
>comfy room, good computer,
>loose touch with friends from home town
>Learn 3d art, but perfectionist, never finish anything
>slowly become a shutin
>"go out and do something anon"
>never get recognized as an artist.
>learn kid i used to babysit dies at 18
>stop going on facebook to look at others lives progressing
>find 4chan
>get weird porn habits, the illegal type, dunno why im like this but not hurting anyone.
>start drinking heavy
>adderal effects diminish
>turn 25, no longer able to be under dads healthcare
>stop adderal, stop going to the doctor altogether
>only have to wait one year for obama care
>apply but dont give enough of a fuck to use it
>mid 20s start to get fat
>"worried about you anon"
>leave me I got this cope
>Dad gets fired from his retail job for a shitty reason
>Considers it a good time to retire, start living off his savings.
>whats wrong with this world escapist is me
>4chan legend u will never know
>27 wake up one morning with a wierd dream about dad eating out my younger sister and me catching them
>seems real but im just fucked in the head from too much porn, see too much internet chaos, see loli, see cp.
>weed legal now
>become light stoner
>dadless nephew sleeping over,
>videogame fun uncle
>My dad, his gramps gives him the sex talk, im present still virgin but dont bring that up
>nephew goes home
>i bring up to dad, "why did you and mom act so weird when you gave me the talk?"
>dad breaks down
>tells me how he ate out my sister when she was 7, says mom caught him, doesnt say shit about me, still dont know why.
>no reason to believe he didnt stop after that.
>later more memories come back of how i told mom after I caught them in the act and she freaked out on dad
>drugged me after to forget so my 5 year old mouth wouldnt talk about it so dad wouldnt go to jail.
>it worked for the most part for a time
>dont talk about it, too institutionalized in my comfort zone, fear change
>Dad putting up with me out of guilt
>sister is adult with a normal life and a normal family
>realized their weird attempt to suppress triggering my memories fucked up my social development.
>my whole life was doomed from the start.
>get part time job from other sisters boyfriend,
>work 3 years job not worth it, quit.
>turn 30, depressed and beyond,
>fillings fall out, stop eating as much from pain, say I just wanna lose weight
>lose 80 lbs
>still stretch marks
>nephew is adult now in reserves has gf
>turn 31, still virgin, still living with dad, still shut in
>still waiting for a miracle or something
>feel dead inside
>think about suicide more and more but cope
>know i should get help but just push it down