/doomer/ - Doomers Club★

>How did giving up feel for you?

Not sure if I've ever given up, I'm still here for some reason. After long years I've found lost teenage cringerage inside of me along with fearlessness about death and it feels good. There is certain beauty in lack of meaning, so strong that it fuels your need for doing something which makes at least some sense to you, yourself. At the same time, this lack of meaning in anything is so comforting, you feel as almost doing something meaningful would break this beauty of surreal nothingness.

Sounds like Aspergers. You start out psychotic and easily passionaate than you just become an empty shell of yourself.

>>19000 (OP)

This was very long ago, but as far as I remember I just went through the stages of grief one by one, but replacing acceptance with apathy for anything that doesn't threaten my wellbeing fairly directly.

>>19000 (OP)

its always been in cycles for me

i'd try for a period and then become more and more frustrated with how little return there was on anything I endured. Mounting depression would build until I couldn't continue the forward trudge of doing the bare minimum. I'd wallow in my depression and it'd be slowly replaced by an apathetic malaise. Then anxiety mounts with a steady negotiation of what more humble concessions I'll have to make in order to try to move again and the cycle repeats. Each period of depression and malaise grows longer and longer with each repetition. The last time was six years.

The moment of giving up always had a key moment: don't register for new classes, stay in bed that day, abruptly call in to work and quit - something.

And every time it felt like an incredible relief.

>>19013

>The moment of giving up always had a key moment

Giving up is a process. It's not like you drop everything all of a sudden. For me, the cycles you describe is the actual process of giving up. You lose something every time you enter such a period, one step at a time.

Someone once told me "ideals are important, once you drop an ideal it is never coming back"

Every depressive episode I had took something from I thought was essential to my identity.

That's what giving up felt to me. As if I could and would constantly lose something, even if I had the feeling that I already lost everything.

At the age of 20 I realized that there's no such thing as rock bottom like every fucking supporting person told me before they left. A lot of people told me when I hit a certain point of desperation, it could just get better. It didn't. I think that was also the point where I honestly started to mistrust everyone trying to help me.

>>19023

>Giving up is a process. It's not like you drop everything all of a sudden.

I actually can relate to something he said. Some stereotypical routine/day schedule might keep you on tracks until you are one day just like "fuck it" and you realize you feel better after giving up.

>Every depressive episode I had took something from I thought was essential to my identity.

I kind of went through process of self-questioning everything about myself until eventually there was nothing left to question. I don't think you talk about the exact same thing (with poster above you), only different forms of giving up, maybe.

>At the age of 20 I realized that there's no such thing as rock bottom like every fucking supporting person told me before they left.

>A lot of people told me when I hit a certain point of desperation, it could just get better. It didn't.

This is interesting thought because once you hit "the rock bottom", some deeper-lower one, you might actually stop caring and since that point life becomes nothing more than freefall into nothingness, you will just quickly live through time for no reason, unable to even objectively think about state of your life. I can agree that there is no rock bottom but there might be certain limit between states when you can save something and when there is no point of return.

>>19023

>You lose something every time you enter a such a period…

Yeah, it's been about the same for me. Maybe it's like a form of spiritual cleansing, but it's not like I ever lost something I didn't have a use for. Maybe eventually the malaise will chip away and fall into a gutter and I'll be able to appreciate the beauty in the meaningless of it all again if the parody of an ascetic lifestyle that I live is authentic enough