>>408844
>Do you remember thinking about such things before you got into this?
It's hard to explicitly answer your question it's quite complicated. I think a better way to answer your question would be to explain why I am the way I am. And as with most things psychology, my behavior now is mostly determined by my formative years. (If you read my whole post and still have the same question, let me know and I'll be clearer)
When I was very young, I was an incredibly sensitive kid. I was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Dysfunction (now known as Sensory Processing Disorder), which I guess is kind of like having aspergers, except I've never had issues with socialization, expressing thoughts, picking up social cues, identifying emotions, or anything like that. I had to go to therapy to deal with it, and its not that bad, but still loud noises fucking terrify me (i still can't stand thunder >///<)
Also, growing up I had no male company (my dad was almost never around). I like to say that I was raised by my older sister, not because my mom didn't play an active role in my maturation, but because I idolized the shit out of her. My sister was everything I wanted to be, and I remember spending so much time listening to her conversations with her friends, watching her draw, watching her do her homework. I was fascinated by her, and the image of her became ingrained into my understanding of who I wanted to be. Imo, she's the primary reason I like girly things.
Due to my sensitivity, I had a lot of trouble in school. I remember hating being around guys, cause they were super rough, and I hated that. I recall jokingly being lightly punched by guys and it really hurting, and then I would get pissed/cry, and then they would make fun of me a lot for that. My mom told me that once I came home from school in tears, cause I was crying in class and a "friend" of mine was stepping on my feet and kept telling me to shut up and be a man. I also hated sports and preferred reading/academics. For these reasons, I mostly hung out with the girls early on. They kind of accepted me as one of their own, and I was never attracted to them romantically, cause I had grown up around girls.
Somewhere along the way, though, people really got to me. I started to become really afraid of being emotionally vulnerable. Then my mom started to get really depressed (she used to be a drug addict, its a long story lol), and so she wouldn't really hang out with me. But then my sister got into middle school, and felt like she had to grow up, and just completely shut me out of her life. I became really lonely, and I felt like there was something wrong with me.
I started to assume that nobody liked me. I developed a self-hating mentality, and told myself that I would stop trying to be friendly, cause people wouldn't like me anyway. I hung out with a lot of shitty, abusive people, cause they affirmed my mentality that I was shit. This was my thought process for something like 10 years.
I think this is the root of why I love being desired. I spent so much time thinking that it was impossible for someone to love me, that there was something wrong with me, that the mere thought that someone else really does like me was a fantasy I was desparate to live out. Cuteboys stuff gave me the oppurtunity to live that "fantasy."
>How would you say getting into /cuteboys/-related stuff has affected your feelings of being desired?
Well, the first time I crossdressed was in middle school. It was summer and so I was away from my home, and I started feeling kinda lonely, cause my extended family are all kinda shitty to talk to. I didn't care though, cause all of my friends were people I knew online.
Like I was saying, I craved validation/love. And I used to be in a lot of kik/skype groups with a lot of questionable people. I kind of lived my life through the experiences of people I met online, if that makes any sense. I recall that my sister left out a pair of striped panties and jean shorts; so I said fuck it, I stole them, and sent (nude) pictures with me wearing them to these dudes online. I remember feeling like it was a lot of fun, and I really liked the attention I got. I didn't really know why I was doing it though.
You'll find that a LOT of cuteboys/crossdressers have similar experiences to what I just said. We want to be validated because, truthfully, not a lot of people we meet are (openly) attracted to us. And as I was saying, when you embrace feminimity, you embrace your emotions, includeed in which is loneliness. I truly believe that it can be isolating growing up gay/feminine as a guy, cause there are so few people to relate to, and the few gay people there are are often just complete disasters.
Ultimately, I hope this story shows how /cuteboys/ stuff hasn't really "affected" any of my feelings. But rather, it has brought out my deepest desires, many of which I felt shame about for a long time. Speaking of which…
