>>765976
>I still want to think and hope if I become a good citizen, stoped sinning, and do a vow of poverty (reject capitalism/consumerism/materialism empty hedonism) I could enter the realm of God when I die, but I am afraid my lack of faith would stop Jesus of letting me in.
Look, I'm afraid you haven't understood Christianity, you can't "pay your way" into heaven with any of those outward things. This seems cruel to those who can't believe, but it's really not because we've all committed so many sins as to be totally unable to repay our debt or normalize our balance of payments. Jesus' message wasn't just to "be nice" it was to rely on Him as an atonement for our faults. None of us will be perfect enough in this lifetime to merit eternal life. But this is a good thing, because if you continue on the path you're on, sooner or later you would become proud of your austerities, your charity and all your accomplishments, and pride is the chief spiritual sin next to rebellion. You would come to believe that you had conquered sin with your strength of will alone, which is impossible, so you must be deceiving yourself and you will pay dearly for self-deception and pride when you finally are judged.
>But I'm not sure if that's good enough in God eyes, since trying to live this kind of ideal life is hard and everything in capitalism redouces to profit off humans from their vices (I'm still struggling to do nofap).
In short, no, you can't go it alone, but fortunately you haven't been placed in a position where you really do have to repay God a good thing for every bad thing you've ever done, it would end in legalism and impossible suffering in an attempt to reach an impossible goal. Even if it were possible, it would lead to a very very miserable existence unlike a loving God would want for his creatures, no matter how sinful they are. Also with faith you can crush such minor sins underfoot.
The good news is that "faith" doesn't require your strenuous belief in things you cannot intellectually justify. In fact don't take my word for it, you can discover the truth by acting as if you believed. As CS Lewis says, don't start by trying to bring yourself certainty that "God must exist" start by asking what you might do if you loved God and your neighbour, and then go do those things, read up a bit on your religion and what people before you have thought when you are unsure. Just proceed honestly and pretty soon you'll be given bit by bit, confirmation of the rightness of Jesus Christ's thesis about life. Of course, one sort of remains agnostic about God as an abstract idea, but that just means you have to do some more reading.
Also I hear often the idea that "I just can't believe" but I promise you it's nonsense. Once you know what faith is really like, you won't find it nearly as implausible. In fact you'll probably be greatly relieved that God isn't a meanie that places impossible cognitive burdens on people. My internal monologue isn't "God-God-God, it's more like, "give that homeless man some money, because you could just as easily be him" or "I'm distressed at the lack of community where I live" or any number of things I know I should be doing as a good Christian. It's not about God so much, it's more about learning to care deeply, and ironically given how Christians are portrayed as being unquestioning, I question everything that contradicts my faith.