I am a 27 yr old white male (obviously), and I need to confess the state of my life. I am extremely lonely, mainly because of my own doing. I am extremely toxic and I tend to attract other extremely toxic friends that inevitably fail. I have an IQ of 88 and basically can't get a job anywhere that does aptitude tests which also renders my expensive corporate college degree useless. and I am also generally unemployable because of my intense autism. I have probably around $280k college debt, because I'm such a dumbass and failed courses over and over again. I was too stupid to give up as well. fleeing my country to a place where there are no extradition laws is something I'm heavily considering but I'm pretty sure that idea will come back to bite me much harder. Apart of me finds this situation hilarious, and I don't really give a winnie the pooh. I live at home with my Dad and my step mum who thinks I'm weird and also she wants a divorce from dad. So that's an ongoing pain in my ass that I'm constantly having to nurture my dad threw so he doesn't kill himself. I grew up in multiple abusive environments. My Dad was abusive towards my mum, and my step dad was also abusive towards my mum and myself. I can't keep living in the past, and blaming my current state of existence on externalities but it's so addictive and I can't give it up no matter how hard I pray to god. I pray every night, but I'm constantly going through massive emotional cycles between utter despair and whistling joyfully. I am the opposite of a tree planted in the ground. My spirit is wicked and the person who is writing this post is of that spirit. I basically have Hikikomori at this stage, but I am always making an effort to reconnect to the world but there is literally no avenues that I can go down. There are no opportunities for me as I don't have any friends, and the people I do know winnie the pooh hate me. My old friends are a bunch of brainwashed liberals and their mode of thinking infuriates the winnie the pooh out of me. My ex-best friend is a transvestite and basically stopped talking to me after I kept accidentally referring to him as a 'man'. My other friends are so cucked that they would rather follow a tranny faggot then get caught talking/hanging out with me. My dad would generally help me find work or get me involved in different things but he is also, quite recently, in a state of Hikikomori. Why has god forsaken me? I always give thanks to him for everything that I am able to enjoy, and for the food that I eat. I even give thanks to him for my afflictions and my sorrows as they help me see truth. But no matter how many heads I cut down the seven headed beast keeps raising more. I've read the bible at least 3 times, but no matter how many more times I read it, I am still no closer to peace than before. My refuge in the bible actually isolates me further because I am unable to relate to normies and their mortal infatuations, and I also understand how cringey that sentence is. I understand that there will inevitably be a massive economic collapse within the next year or two, and maybe that's my ticket to a better place since I have done sufficient prepperations (weapons, gold and silver, cryptos, and a stock supply of food and water, gas, medical supplies etc), but knowing my luck a tsunami or earthquake, or social turmoil will probably kill me anyway since I'm in a densely populated and morally bankrupt part of the world. How can I ever reach eternal salvation and peace and oneness with god if I'm constantly in a state of anger and despair? I'm basically answering my own questions as I write this stupid post, and I'm becoming acutely aware of it's futility. I will carry on anyway since I've invested so much of my time. Listen to me talk, can you understand why I am so winnie the pooh screwed? My folly is immense, and I have no option but to internally scream until I die, MDE style. I just have to keep my faith, that god will set me on the path that he wants, but then how can I know for sure that this path is the path that he wants me on? I am so drained and dead inside that I want to become a martyr for something. I want to sacrifice myself for a greater good. Inb4 "you should fight and die to save your aryan race". I don't know what to do any more, just winnie the pooh it all. I will keep playing video games until I am dead or called to action. I just want to be at peace my dudes.