Sorry for posting shit like this but I honestly am considering offing myself out of shame. Figure it might be good to hear others thoughts on this. Hope this isn't too nsfw.
I hired a prostitute. For whatever reason I thought it was a good idea. First thing I notice when I get there was how ugly the girl looked compared to the photos. She didn't speak English, so we had to use a shity translator to speak with one another. I was nervous, and we essentially just engaged in mutual masturbation. There was no penetration. I payed for an hour, and didn't enjoy any of it. The thrill of having a naked girl in front of me wasn't exciting at all.
When we were finished, I finally realized how stupid what I did was. I didn't love her, or even speak to this girl. I looked around and saw the crappie little apartment she and the other girls lived in. It was the first time in months that I actually felt bad for something I did. The girl I was just intimate with was a slave. I was contributing to her slavery. I wanted to love her like a wife, but she wanted nothing to do with me after I payed.
She shooed me out of the apartment and I left feeling miserable.
I hate myself. I want to run back to God, but at this point I figure there is no getting better. I don't even know if I can consider myself a virgin any more. I fear I probably have an std, and will have to deal with it forever. I have no idea how I would even tell a future spouse about this. I just want to die since I'm too pathetic to be of any value.