/christian/ - Christian Discussion and Fellowship

Now that I think of it, a few days before that, I also had some strange urges to pray. It was a Sunday, if I recall, and just, no matter how much I prayed, I didn't feel it was enough/prayed in the right way. Since it was Sunday, I justified the urge with "Well, it's Sunday, so the day should be dedicated to God. I should follow the urge to pray." I would pray, then go to my computer, then go back to my prayer space to "complete" the prayer, and this would go on for some time. I remember being angry, like, "Okay, I'll go pray." and jumping to the prayer spot and praying some more so that it, whatever it was, perhaps God, would leave me alone. I remember falling to the ground afterwards, crying, telling my self, "Well, God made you, you don't have the right to talk back like that to Him. You can't be angry at Him, He created you." I remember, that I was trying to teach my self the virtue of humility at the time, so I repeated stuff like "You're bad at this, you're bad at that, you've sinned like this, you've sinned against that person, this person, etc. etc." Eventually, I would stop, thinking that maybe that was the reason to my great urges to pray. I figured, that the virtue isn't acquired that easily and that it takes many years, and above all, the Grace of God to achieve true humility. So naturally, I stopped doing that, and I kinda felt better, although that was to be expected because the stuff I did in my mind to achieve "humility" was probably very wrong. So, it seemed that the problem was solved. I thought, "Well, since I confessed in that sort of state, it didn't really count." So I bothered the priest so I could confess again, and what helped this reasoning is that I had forgotten to confess some sins as well, so, I thought this was the right thing to do.

Then, the events I talked about before the test and after the test happened. The good feelings lasted for a bit, but they were interrupted by some things. Even though I had decided to shorten my prayers, the matter of Confession also came to question. Should I confess or should I not? Deciding to confess would rid me of my newfound hapiness. Deciding not to confess would keep it. So it was with every other thing in the Christian life. To fast, or not to fast. To go to the evening service at Church, or not to. For the time between the moment I've decided to shorten my prayer, until now, I've been gravitating between these two ends: kind of practicing the faith, and practicing it fully, trying as hard as I can, even forcing my self in some things. The reality is, that when I make the decision, "Yeah, I should confess, I should do this, I should do that.", I just don't have the feeling of hapiness. In reality, I make the decision to confess, but I would really like it if the priest told me he wasn't available at the time and that I would have to reschedule. So I've come to a state where I'm afraid to practice the faith, but I'm also afraid not to practice the faith. I haven't been able to discuss it with my priest thoroughly, but he said, "Not to take on too much of a burden, but don't become overly lax either."

Afterwards, actually, recently I've discovered that a large part of the behaviour I possess is common to patients of the mental disease known as scrupulosity. As I understand, it is a religious form of OCD. It consists of obsessions, which cause anxiety in the individiual, which he then tries to neutralize using compulsions, that can include repeated confession to a member of the clergy, always ruminating the past to see if one has sinned, repeating prayers so that they are said "just right", etc. I was a bit worried when I found this out, it felt sad, because I thought I was doing God's will all along. It seemed that the things I supposedly did for God were just a product of a mental disease. I tried to incorporate my priest's advice, but it wouldn't always work, as my main goal was to bring about again the hapiness I felt the first time. Sometimes it would, but I wasn't very confident in cutting myself some slack, I didn't know how far it would go. My priest told me that the most important thing was to go

to divine Liturgy on Sundays, and to recieve the Eucharist. I tried the therapy I found on the Internet, which was called ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention). In short, upon exposure to the feared thing (for example, I would fail to say hi to someone on the street due to a lack of attention), the response which we do to mitigate the anxiety we are feeling is to be prevented. In short, if I think I have sinned in some way, I am to not do the thing that would make me not-anxious. It did work, I was able to control it for quite a while and it felt great. But it doesn't anymore. I would try doing the priest's advice, but, I don't know, I feel like I just don't know how. To add to the difficulty of the situation, he once told me, "Well, you have to think about, what, or more specifically, who gives you a good mood when you don't go to Church?" I don't know what to do. I've had the idea of abandoning the faith completely, at least for a while. I can't find any patristic texts on this, I mean, yes, they often relate things like extreme and unhealthy asceticism to pride, and most mental diseases are considered to be the result of pride, but I honestly can't see how, in my case. I mean yes, I am prideful, but I don't think all this is happening due to the fact that I want to seem like a great ascetic in my own eyes. I think that I've already passed that phase of overenthusiasm, common with people new to the faith. I hope…

Could the cause of this be a sin which I haven't repented of? Maybe it's eating away at my conscience and the guilt I feel, plus the compulsions I do are just a way to escape it. I can't really think of anything, perhaps the fact that I've bought a skateboard and haven't told my Dad? I've used my own money, and I rode it only a few times. I don't have the desire, with all this happening. Really, right now, I don't feel any desire to practice and try hard as far as faith is concerned, I don't feel the hapiness I used to even though I don't see what I am doing to drive it away (I don't see what compulsion I am not avoiding, as instructed by ERP). I just feel depressed. I mean, everything is okay in my life, but I'm not really living. I've lost the will to go to Church, I don't even feel the desire for my girlfriend any more. All this time I've been worrying about what sort of things I might do to make her feel bad due to all of this happening. My classes should start in October I think, so there's not even much to do right now. All I do every day is masturbate, eat, play World Of Warcraft, ocassionally go out with friends, my girlfriend. As I said, I don't feel the desire for my girlfriend. I just need her, I don't really want her. I don't want any human contact. Maybe I should just go back to the way everything was, full-on asceticism, just obeying my conscience, doing whatever it asks of me. Maybe unceasing prayer really is the answer. But the thought of it, I don't know, I wouldn't say "makes me sick", but doesn't seem pleasing. Maybe my conscience is warped, somehow. Sometimes, during the day, I would say "Oh God, please, just make this stop… How long will this continue on?"

Please help. I would really appreciate if you had any patristic texts related. Or perhaps a personal experience, anything…

Didn't you already make this thread?

>>682783

Use the catalog.

>>691686

yeah, but not in such detail

guess i'm just dumb i didn't see any of the replies to the original thread

>>691687

thanks