/christian/ - Christian Discussion and Fellowship

>>640674

>Christian

>jokes/jesting

ephesians 5:4

>Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not

convenient: but rather giving of thanks.

Pick one. /thread

>>640704

let us spit on the hafizposting larper, tfu

A fellow walks into a bar in a town he just moved to and orders 3 pints of Guinness. The bartender lines them up on the bar and he slowly drinks all three and leaves. He returns the next day, and the next always doing the same. Eventually the locals become comfortable with him and ask him why he orders three all at once. He explains that he has two brothers. One left to become a priest in America and the other left to be a priest in Australia. But before they left they all agreed that they would do this so that every day they could have a glass of beer together.

One day he comes in and only orders 2 pints. The entire atmosphere of the bar becomes more solemn. Talking is hushed and most people just stare at their feet. Eventually the bartender approaches and says; hey friend I am sorry for the loss of your brother. The fellow looks up with confusion on his face and then realizes what everyone thinks. He explains; No no! It is only that I have given up drinking for Lent.

So God tells Adam, "I will give you the perfect partner. She will clean the house, take care of the children, listen to you, and will always be nice and helpful. But it will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam thinks for a minute and then asks, "what can I get for a rib?"

Kind of similar to the OP's but

A Jesuit, a Franciscan and a Cistercian are stranded on a desert island. The Jesuit finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and a genie pops out. "Thank you for releasing me" says the genie, "As thanks, I will grant each of you one wish."

The Jesuit says "I miss my brethren, so I wish I was back with them at the Mission". "So be it" says the genie.

The Franciscan says "I want to go back home so that I can continue preaching the Gospel!" "So be it" says the genie.

The Genie then turns to the Cistercian and asks "And you, sir, what do you wish for?" The Cistercian responds Nothing, I've already got what I want.

>>640723

interesting fact: Your lower rib is the only bone in your body that will grow back if it's removed.

>>640674

A man climbs to a top of a mountain to pray

Looking up, he asks the Lord… "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

A minister was out walking down the street one day and sees one of the people in his church and the gentleman looked pretty bad. His cloths were a mess, he looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

So the minister walks up to the man and says “Jim what’s wrong?” He said, “Well Reverend it’s my business it’s failing. I’ve done every thing I can to try to make it work, I’ve sunk all my money into it even my retirement saving. I’m don’t know what to do I’m at my wits end.

To this the minister replied, “Well Jim this is what you do. Go home and sit in a nice quiet room. Take your bible and open it up close your eyes then just place your finger on the page and look down. There where you point will be the answer.”

So Jim thanked the Minister and went on his way. A few days later the Minister was walking down the street and sees Jim. And Jim looks good. He’s happy, got a spring in his step. He’s even wearing a nice suit. The Minister walks up to Jim and asks, “What happened Jim you look a lot better?” To this Jim said, “Well Reverend I took your advice. I went home sat down in a nice quiet room opened by bible, closed my eyes and then put my finger on the page. When I opened my eyes I looked where my finger was and there was the answer to all my problems.” “Chapter 11”

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he

Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,

I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song,

Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

>>640780

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi were talking one day when someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. So they decided they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, his arm in a sling and on crutches, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next he had an arm and a legs in casts and he says, " Well BROTHERS, I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

Next was the rabbi, who was in a wheelchair. He was in a body cast with IV's and monitors. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

>>640674

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, “Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?”

A Methodist, Presbyterian, and a Pentecostal were talking at a restaurant table, wondering when their food was to come. Starting to grow impatient, the Methodist man says,

>"Man, I'm getting really hungry, I hope our food will be coming soon".

The Presbyterian, in his Calvinistic worldview, replies,

>"You know, maybe it was predestined that our food will take a long while to come - maybe we can learn to be more patient from this".

The Methodist man replied,

>"Or maybe it's because the restaurant is busy and they have a lot of meals to cook, but I agree that we can learn to be more patient from this".

The Pentecostal man, who has been rather contemplative and quiet throughout their discussion suddenly looks over to his left, and starts pulling strange faces and making strange sounds.

>"SHALALALBABABLALABA MOOSHI TAFANANA BOO"

The Methodist and Presbyterian are rightfully confused at this, and other people in the restaurant are rightfully confused too.

>"MALALALA GOGOGO LABOOBOO FAFA"

As a crowd begins to form around him, the manager and head chef have grown concerned. However, realising that they have seen this Pentecostal man at the church that they attend, they laugh and smile and return to the kitchen. As the Pentecostal man settles down, rather embarrassed at the crowd around him, the head chef and manager come to the table with all the friends' meals, with free side dishes and upsized drinks.

The manager says the Pentecostal man,

>"John, we feel truly blessed to see what has happened here today. Who knew you had such gifts! Praise the Lord! Here, have these extras on your meals, it's on us!"

He thanks them and the two other friends are visibly confused and shocked. The Presbyterian man asks him,

>"What was that? I'd never seen that happen before!"

The Methodist man agrees,

>"Yeah, that was wild… so this 'speaking of tongues' thing you guys do… is that, like for real?!"

The Pentecostal man has now grown a look of confusion and embarrassment on his face. Shortly after some contemplation, he begins to laugh.

The Presbyterian man says to him,

>"Dude, what's up?"

The Pentecostal man replies,

>"Haha, I wasn't speaking in tongues - I was just entertaining the baby at the table next to us!"

>>640674

Mrs. Smartt was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.

The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

A Rabbi and a Priest live next to eachother.

A friend gave a priest a new car. When rabbi came out on a balcony, he saw that priest was sprinkling holy water on it (Yes, Orthos are 40k tier and bless everything, even Nuclear missiles, just roll with it). Rabbi mistook blessing with a baptism but liked it and thought that he should also do similar stuff to things according to his traditions.

After a while a friend gave a rabbi a brand new car. When priest came out on balcony, he saw new car of his neighbor. Suddenly rabbi came with a chainsaw and started sawing the front part of a car.

Shocked priest ask:

>"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Rabbi answered:

<"I'm circumcising it"

>>640769

If that's true, that's kind of freaky.

>>640869

> Yes, Orthos are 40k tier and bless everything, even Nuclear missiles, just roll with it

It's funny because it's true :^)

>>640674

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,

looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued..

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear

as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird

Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

One Sunday, a priest decides to call in sick to play golf. His guardian angel tells God to do something. God nods. As the priest gets to the first hole, he hits the ball and it goes into the hole. The guardian angels asks God why he let the priest get a hole in one.

God answers: Who's he going to tell?

A farmer named Muldoon lived in the Irish countryside, alone except for the company of his faithful dog, Riley. One day Reily died and Muldoon was heartbroken. He went to see his parish priest.

"Father, Reily has passed on. I was wondering if I could have a service for him here at the church."

"Ah, Mulldoon," said the priest, "we can't be havin' services for animals in this church. There's a new denomination down the road a ways. Lord knows what they believe in, but maybe they can help you."

"Thank you, father," said Muldoon. "By the way, do you think $5,000 is enough of a donation for the service?"

"Muldoon! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

A Christian man living in a coastal town sees flood warnings on the news and is warned to evacuate. The man turned off the TV and prayed this prayer: "God, you're always there for me, so I know you'll save me."

Later, the flood has started, and the water is about knee deep outside. A truck drives by, and the driver calls out to the man "Want to hop in the back? Still for room for one more!" The man smiles and shakes his head, saying "I don't need it, God will save me!"

Later, the water has risen so high that the man has moved to the second floor of his house. A small boat was passing through, and the people on board call out "Hey guy, want a ride? Water's gonna keep getting higher!" Again, the man smiles and refuses, saying "No thanks, God will save me!"

A few more hours pass, and the man is now on his roof, the water lapping against his ankles. A helicopter flies by, and the pilot calls out on a megaphone "You there, we can get you out! Let us throw you a ladder!" The man smiles and shakes his head, again saying "No thanks, God will save me!"

Eventually, water rises to the point that the man drowns. He arrives in Heaven, and asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" To which God replies "I sent a truck, boat, and helicopter. What more do you need?"

>>641254

Oldie but goodie.

>>640720

Had a good chuckle, very wholesome

>>640674

Two nuns were stood outside a brothel, trying to catch the girls as they went into work to persuade them to give up their immoral ways.

Most of the girls wouldn’t even stop to speak so the nuns had little to do but look at the house of ill repute with its dingy door and darkened windows. Then suddenly, one of the nuns noticed the local Protestant vicar looking very suspicious as he sneaked into the brothel through a side door.

“Well, that’s shocking,” she cried. “I would have expected more from a man of faith, even if he isn’t a Catholic.”

A few minutes later, she saw the local rabbi entering the brothel in the same sheepish way.

“Oh, my word, another one. I can’t believe it from a man of faith, even if he isn’t a Catholic.”

The two nuns stood there for a few more minutes, trying to control their moral outrage, when they saw the local Catholic priest looking very shifty as he entered the brothel.

“Ah look,” said the nun. “It’s Father McCarthy.” She looked shocked and saddened. “Oh, that’s terrible,” she said crossing herself. “One of the girls must have died.”

Told by a catholic priest:

Drinking wine makes you a saint.

How? Easy.

You drink wine, you get drunk.

You get drunk, you feel sleepy and sleep.

You sleep, you don't do anything.

You don't do anything, you don't sin.

He who does not sin becomes a saint.

If you drink wine, you become a saint.

It's also very funny because catholic priests in europe know their wines very very good.

>>640674

An elderly lady was well known for her faith and for her boldness and talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout,

>"Praise the Lord!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout,

<"There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted,

> "Praise the Lord!! God, I need FOOD!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries!!"

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and saw a large bag of groceries and shouted,

>"Praise the Lord!!"

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said,

<"Ha Ha!! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries. God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying,

>"PRAISE THE LORD!!! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them!!"

>>640780

All very good jokes.

Liked the Chapter 11 one.

>>641909

I didn't get it.

>>641910

Chapter 11 is a term used when filing for bankruptcy. However unlike Chapter 7 bankruptcy which is what most people typically refer to when they mean they're bankrupt. Chapter 11 allows you to get out of some rough situations when your business goes to crap.

http://www.uscourts.gov/services-forms/bankruptcy/bankruptcy-basics/chapter-11-bankruptcy-basics

Once a journalist asked the pope "How many people work in the Vatican". After a while pope answered "About half of them".

What's the difference between dominicans and jesuits?

>Dominicans were created in XIII century to fight albigensian heresy.

And Jesuits?

>Jesuits were created in XVI century to fight protestant heresy

So what's the diffrence?

>Ever seen an albigensian?

Who is patron saint of shopping?

>Saint Francis de Sales

During Vatican II some french bishop proposed to translate signs in italian toilets (free/occupied) so that everyone can understand them. He himself came out with "sede vacante" i "feliciter regnante".

What saddens God about humans, whom He created in his image and likeness? That most of them think that they are ugly.

>>641909

Glad you liked them. Here's another:

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

>>641944

Much appreciated, also liked the bear one.

Will be sure to send them to my Priest, he'll love them.

>>641944

So a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister were out fishing one day. They were out in the middle of a pristine lake surrounded by the beauty of nature. Majestic pine trees and mountains all around them when suddenly, the priest said, “Oh no I forgot my best fishing lure in the truck.” So the priest stood up stepped onto the water and walked across the lake. Went into his truck, got his fishing lure and walked right back up to the boat and got in. The Rabbi sat their stunned, utterly amazed at what he had just seen.

The men continued fishing and as lunchtime was rolling around the Minister said, “Oh darn I left my lunch back on shore.” So the Minister got up stepped out of the boat walked across the water. He got his lunch on the shore and walked right back across the water and then stepped into the boat.

At this the Rabbi was dumbfounded. He thought to himself, “I am just as holy as these men if not more so, surely I can walk across the water.” So after some time the Rabbi announced to both his companions that he to had forgotten something back on shore. At that the Rabbi stood up step on to the water and promptly sank with a loud splash. The priest turned to the Minister and said, "You think we should have told him were the rocks are?"

The Blessing of Pets is one of the most loved and strangest traditions of the modern church

>>642541

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver,

>"You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesistant and says,

>"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists,

>"Please?"

The driver finally lets up.

>"Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who's more important than the president?

Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!

>a man walked up to a Jesuit

>"Are you father McDougall?"

>"Maybe, what do you want?'

>"Are you a Jesuit?"

>"Why do you ask?"

>"Well is it true a Jesuit always answers a question with a question?"

>"Who told you that?"

>>641942

KEK Sedevacantist jokes

That one guy who made temple OS had some okay jokes in it, if i tried to re-write them i'd butcher them.

>>641942

>What saddens God about humans, whom He created in his image and likeness? That most of them think that they are ugly.

Came for the laughs, left with the feels

>>640674

At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony.

"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday:

I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."

As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story. But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . "They will in a minute."

>>640958

>If that's true, that's kind of freaky.

It is.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

>>647874

Bravo Mel

>>650126

Classic

A young minister was asked by the local funeral director to conduct a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the graveside ceremony, because the deceased had outlived all his family and friends.

The minister set off for the cemetery, but soon became lost. After a number of wrong turns, he finally arrived half an hour late. There was no sign of the hearse, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch.

The minister went over to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and started the funeral service. After a passionate message and stirring solo of Amazing Grace. The minister closed his book and started to leave.

As the minister opened his car the door he heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Why did God make Adam before Eve?

Because he didn't want advice on how to do it.

Adam was a very smart man, he knew every language on the planet. He was also married to the prettiest girl.