Suicide.

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File: cc042aa97aa8f98⋯.jpg (350.68 KB, 640x360, 16:9, suicide.jpg)

Suicide. Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 03:37:38 25206f No.628406

First of all, I hope everyone has had a good Easter.

Due to some very poor life decisions I made when I was in high school I've basically become a NEET now.

I know I deserve it, and I take responsibility for all of my actions/decisions that lead me into the spot that I'm currently in right now.

Most days I just stay home, living with my parents, probably being as constant burden on them. I apply for jobs, but no one will hire me. :( Even if I did get a job, I don't know how long I'd last. I'm so fucking ugly guys… ever since I got picked on in middle school for my shit looks I've had really bad social anxiety. It doesn't help that since high school my face has become a fucking breeding ground for acne.

I have almost 0 friends save for 1 good friend that does still talk to me every so often. I did used to have a group of friends back in 10th grade. It was small band of kids but I felt close to them. But after I fucked up I lost most of my friends.

Through all of this I have still kept my faith. I do read the Bible often and have been trying to pray more in my daily life. God is the only real Father I have, and Jesus is the only teacher that I have.

I have suicidal thoughts often. I don't know if I have depression but the suicidal thoughts can be somewhat of a burden on my mind. I lay awake at night thinking about how my family would react if I took my own life.

Right now, I feel really suicidal. I am tempted to hang myself or go downtown and jump off a bridge… My life is so meaningless. I'm meaningless. I'm such a loser. I don't deserve to be alive. I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm lazy, I'm an asshole… I hate myself. I really really hate myself.

I look around, I see my cousins (who are of similar age or slightly younger) get their drivers license, get good jobs, start relationships, go to college… I know that if I had stayed on the right path and had not become a rebellious little retard then things would be better… I actually used to be an honors student in school until I fucked up and decided to ditch school because I was too lazy to go…

I balled my eyes out to God earlier, I told him that I loved him and that all I wanted is to be with him. I want to be in his bosom, with Abraham and the Virgin Mary and all the Saints. I know suicide is a mortal sin though. I simply don't want to be alive anymore though. I either want to go to heaven forever with God, or fade out of existence into nothingness, where there is total blackness for all eternity.

I don't know what to do guys… I am considering killing myself. Maybe just put a bag over my head and suffocate. Everyone in this world would be better off as I fade into nothingness having left nothing of value in this world…. They might be sad for a bit, but at least they won't have me being a total fucking burden and loser…

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 03:52:04 fffff5 No.628415

Suicide isn't worth it, brother

I know what you are feeling

I suffered from similar ideation for a long time

but it will get better

just stay strong

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 04:02:10 83e50f No.628423

Do you go to church?

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 04:06:36 25206f No.628425

>>628423

I try to go as often as possible.

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 04:14:34 99e046 No.628427

File: 792ad22c2a4ccb0⋯.jpg (12.14 KB, 540x293, 540:293, job3847.jpg)

What I find helpful is to pray:

FIRST, expressing your thankfulness to God (regardless of how ill fated your plight may seem). Thank Him for as many things as you can think of.

SECOND, ask for help with the precursor "if it be your will." Remember, you don't call the shots, especially when you're going through your day not thanking God for every meal and day lived through.

I know this may be a tough love post, but suicide is the height of vanity. As if you were so brilliant and sure that you had used up your usefulness on Earth before God could make that call. If you kill yourself and have to stand before God and he says "but I had plans for you. That was your one and only chance," you will be in a world of shit, brother.

As often as you can, show gratitude. Come back home.

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 04:14:48 82e4ef No.628428

You talk about seeing people doing better than you, if they were doing worse would that make you feel better? I know that feeling, like you're being left behind. Focus on doing better than you were doing before, not on others. When you fail, all you have to remember to do is to get up again, and understand what caused the failure.

I know what it's like to want to kill yourself. Don't do it man. You have to distract yourself until it passes. Try the Jesus prayer. Do something physical to help take your mind off it, such as chores.

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 04:15:11 3a0343 No.628430

File: cb3475353675b93⋯.gif (158.76 KB, 535x427, 535:427, images.duckduckgo.com.gif)

File: 2d8c3ef44065666⋯.png (45.34 KB, 300x100, 3:1, christian.png)

>>628406

Talk, to someone, your pastor, someone in your parish. Someone irl. A image board can only help so much…..

But you're not, and not going to be the last person to ever hate living in this world. I do to, but for different reasons related to society.

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 04:18:42 83e50f No.628434

>>628425

And, do you find it convenient to make the acquaintance of other church members? When you feel worthless, or like a burden on others, always remember that you were born only because god so willed that you be born. You're an integral part to his plan.

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 05:16:08 732bdc No.628446

>>628406

Don't kill yourself. Hell is worse than your pain right now. Become a monk. Dedicate your life to God. GO GET TO A MONASTERY RIGHT NOW.

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 06:19:38 4e68e1 No.628463

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>>628406

I don't have any wise or comforting words, but I want you to listen closely to this and think hard about it. This short sermon was rough on me, but it helped me. I hope it helps you. God bless buddy.

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 13:21:28 d18aba No.628578

Please don't kill yourself brother. I'll pray for you.

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 14:15:31 bc0d66 No.628594

>>628406

You're, what? Like 18?

Man, I had a similar view when I was around that age. Not because I'd particularly fucked up but because I didn't get the point of life. I'd accepted Christ- what was the point of life after that? I just wanted heaven.

Life is long. Learning to be good for the long haul, to consciously change habits and let Christ change even our desires, that's real Christianity.

When I was 18 I saw literally nothing wrong with video games, porn, masturbation, and drunken fighting despite that I was absolutely saved. (How could this be? I was brought up in such an atheistic household that the idea of loving my neighbor was foreign. God didn't even touch the smaller sins until he first changed my heart on the big ones)

God has changed me so much in the two decades of my faith my personality would be unrecognizable to someone who knew me before. When I have met people from fifteen years ago they glare at me like I'm some horrible faker; the bitterness and envy is so intense (and all I have is my happy family, I haven't been financially successful or anything). That bitterness and envy doesn't make me feel good - it's scary, I've got a family. It does remind me to thank God in my prayers for not leaving me broken like they are though.

You're like

>ugly

>social anxiety

>unemployed

You and sixty percent of other males 18 - 23. Everyone pretends to be more successful than they are. College is a joke; it financially ruined me- but God still provided a loving, happy family for me. College was and is the biggest mistake of my life thus far.

Go learn a trade, apply everywhere, intern. Now's the time you can do it when you don't have a family to support.

Don't worry about a girl. I did zero dating (except a girl who asked me out) for a decade. Then, I started sending some messages out to a few girls on a meet-up sight for one of my hobbies- and prayed to God only to let me meet them if he wanted me to have a real relationship with them.

Two replied, only one actually showed. She'd been praying for a husband. We're happily married. We were legit praying for the same thing and, somehow God hooked us up. She wasn't what I thought I wanted in a wife (e.g. what the media sells you), instead, she was a good Christian woman and, thus, my happy family. But, remember, that's after over a decade of God working on me. She acknowledged when I told her about my past that, if she'd met me a decade earlier, she'd have gotten the hell outta there and I wouldn't have blamed her.

So- you want a bright future, start letting God change you in the now, stop worrying, and let go of all your previous mistakes. God forgives you. This is a tiny fragment so far of what your adult life will be. Don't be jealous - your friends/relatives have their own crosses to bear. Be lucky you recognized your mistakes early - imagine making those mistakes when you have a wife and child to support.

Pray more.

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 14:18:14 881e06 No.628595

>>628406

How often do you go to church? It's nice to have a community to be part of.

Since you have free time, why don't you read the Church Fathers?

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 19:17:50 a7eb44 No.628659

File: ee4d1dde67eb0ba⋯.webm (6.24 MB, 854x480, 427:240, Anxiety_the Dizziness of ….webm)

>>628406

Read Kierkegaard

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 19:25:42 a7eb44 No.628661

File: af7d3f647c24677⋯.pdf (624.34 KB, fyodor-dostoevsky-notes-fr….pdf)

>>628406

The first page would describe you the most

Christanon 04/02/18 (Mon) 20:23:06 ce678b No.628673

>>628406

Great post right here:

>>628594

I myself turned away from God shortly after high school in early college and was a degenerate neopagan manchild for 15 years. To make a long story short, if I was a country, making poor life decisions was the national pastime.

For those 15 straight years, if I would've died, I would be burning in eternal torment and agony right now as we speak. Only in the past year have I returned to Christ and my life has been slowly coming back together.

Christ had the mercy to allow me to live and be the archetypal prodigal son for 15 years until I pulled my head out of my rear.

If he's got a plan for me, he's definitely got a plan for you.

Also, if consider seeking out a priest or even a psychologist who does more than just talk therapy (i.e. at least CBT or DBT.)

On another note:

> It doesn't help that since high school my face has become a fucking breeding ground for acne.

I remember a kid from high school who got a hecka cute gf just based on his confidence, and his face was a crater infested moon.

If the acne still bothers you, try some of the cream programs out there or see about seeing a dermatologist.

Don't scrub your face hard in the shower, when clearing your face, that will aggravate your acne. Also be sure to at least flip over your pillow each night, and then complete change your pillow sheet when you've slept on both sides. And keep your fast/greasy/junk food intake to like once a week or less.

Seems like trite advice but it helped me out a lot during the period when I had it bad. Also take comfort in that fact that in the long run, there is a good change you might literally grow out of it.