/Christian/, could you please help me and guide me.
I've been on antidepressants for years, this particular drug I'm on is addictive in the sense that I'm put through absolute misery and pain if I try to get off it due to withdrawal effects. All pleasure is sucked from my body and it feels as if lightening is running through my head.
My body shakes every few hours for minutes on end, like a seizure. I've been told for years by my doctor that this is a reaction to stress and not due to the medication, but now it turns out that this is an effect of the drug. They lied to me, they never told me this could happen and now my life is ruined
I was a normal child with a normal life until these drugs were forced on me due to me being stressed out from high school exams. I am now in my mid twenties and have lost so much, I feel betrayed by modern society, I feel as if I've just been an experiment. I miss my childhood, I miss seeing and talking to people as a person, I miss the common fears and passions that have been stolen from me. I lie in bed shaking and crying, thinking about the life I could've had. Now when I go out in the world and the shaking starts, people avoid me as if I was a leper.
And what was my sadness? What was my misery as a teen? It was nothing, nothing that warrented drugging, nothing that warranted ruining my life. Those that did this to me acted as if they were infallible. Of course it wasn't them, it was me and my stress.
I've tried going to church and putting my faith in Jesus…But I know that, deep down, I only turn to Christ because my life has been ruined. If I was suddenly healed I know that I would forgo God in sake of the world. I am false and lukewarm and know it, and I know that I can be no different. Earthly bread is unavailable to me, so how can I imagine myself a christian for going after the spiritual? I am like those that turn to religion in old age, when their body is worn and frail and worldly desires are unavailable. It's no choice of conscious, no choice out of love, it's just desperation. If Jesus himself came down and cured me like he did those Lepers, I wouldn't end up a faithful follower, I'd run towards the world.