I've made few attempts to improve my life over the past few months and have infact actively tried to sabotage myself. I've begun starving myself, hitting myself, taking cold showers etc. to both punish myself and to ensure I never fall back into my previous life of hedonism and profligacy. This has lead me to actively not enjoy life, and to try and despair at every moment possible over both myself and the future of the world. I can now find little hope in the future outside of suffering, thus I have tried to train myself to enjoy suffering. This depression has only made me lose my faith, I sin frequently, pray rarely and never go to church.