I used to be Christian

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File: afda508a4fd5188⋯.png (182.67 KB, 416x505, 416:505, 676776.png)

I used to be Christian Christanon 11/14/17 (Tue) 09:11:04 6c0b4e No.555903

I grew up going to church, and was certainly Christian until I was around 15 or so. I am currently 23 and agnostic. I lived in an abusive household. I had no father, my mother was a drug addict, and had an abusive boyfriend for 10 or more years. I live in the south, and we used to go to a very small Baptist church. If you think of a stereotypical southern church out in the boondocks, that's what is was basically. I don't remember much about it specifically. When I was older, around age 9, I started to go to a very big modern church with some kids in my neighborhood, and it had the Royal Rangers program. If you don't know what that is it is basically Christian boy scouts. I think I was always my happiest when I was in Royal Rangers.

I made a great friend with someone in it, and his dad was one of the commanders. Myself and my brother grew pretty close to this family. It was through them that I could see what having a father was like. I started getting older and I figure I was doing well for a teenage boy with no real parental guidance. Mom still a drug addict, boyfriend still abusive, life at home still Hell. We had power cut off regularly, water cut off, no food, and so on. Royal Rangers was my respite. We went on camping trips all the time, did fun events, and I deepened my connection with God. I remember one time we were throwing darts for prizes, you got to choose a prize off a table based on your points accumulated. I was last unfortunately. After the first people took some prizes, we threw the darts again. I remembered some verse that went along the lines of (if you were last, you will be first), or something like that. Amazingly I was first. It might seem small to some people, but I thought it was sign of God listening to me at the time.

A little bit older, 8th grade or so (or maybe earlier) I went to join the FCF (Frontiersman Camping Fellowship). This was basically an extension of Royal Rangers, but for people that were older. It was also insanely cool and fun because you had to dress and use utensils and items from like the 1500s or something. Think canvas tents, tomahawks, and black powder rifles. I had went through the Greenhorn trials or whatever with my friend whose dad was a commander. It was great, he even gave me my FCF name. (we all had nicknames for FCF) Things were going awesome on the Royal Rangers and FCF front. I think I was closest to God at this point, but I was still heavily stumbling due to limited parental guidance. I sure as Hell won't say I wasn't without sin, you could find me with it often during those times. I just tried my best to steer away, but it was certainly hard.

Christanon 11/14/17 (Tue) 09:11:11 6c0b4e No.555904

And times got harder. Eventually my family and I were homeless, we had to stay with my grandparents for some months. When we did move out it was to an effeciency apartment, which is basically the size of an average bedroom. Kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom all in one small spot. 4 people had to live there. I stayed there for about a year. My bed was in the closet, luckily I was small enough to fit. I had prayed to be saved from this life. I asked God many times to deliver me from this. After a while, he did. Someone had robbed my mom and her boyfriend while I was at school (Freshman in high school), and the police took me and my drugged up mom to some police place downtown. They knew something was up with my mom, and began questioning me about it. I knew I had to seize this moment, and I told them everything up until them. I was taken by CPS and placed in my grandparent's custody. I was out, finally. God had listened.

Unfortunately after I was taken away I drifted further from God. I didn't go to church anymore. I didn't see that friend much. I didn't go to Royal Rangers, and I didn't go to FCF. My connection to all that was through my friend and his dad. My life itself was better, at the very least. Eventually, after a long time, my mom got her act together. Some time after that I began living with her again, since we never really "lived" together in the first place. Here I am now. 23, live with my mom and brother, and numb.

I can't feel anything, or rather the only thing I can feel is anger, hate, contempt, anything negative. My life for the past 4 years maybe has been: go to work, play games, sleep, repeat. That's all I do. I feel empty, like there is nothing for me. My grandpa died on October 16th, 2016. He was a huge father figure for me. At his funeral I cried, but when I look back at it and remember him I feel nothing. I understand that I should feel sad, but I cannot. The same goes for my mom, or brother. I know I should love them, but I cannot feel that. It doesn't help that I'm a fucking degenerate with a lot of fetishes. I feel so alone. I don't even know why I'm posting here, or why I've recently started thinking about Royal Rangers or God in general. I can't trust anyone but myself. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared.

Christanon 11/14/17 (Tue) 09:25:21 746d05 No.555912

>>555904

I'll pray for you, brother.

I know it sounds stereotypical, but consider finding a church. Any that's even remotely close to being worth its salt will accept and try to heal you.

If you want to talk about anything, I'll be around later. We could switch to a private channel or something. I'm not a teacher or even a good Christian, but it's always helpful to have someone to talk to.

Christanon 11/14/17 (Tue) 11:36:40 c061a2 No.555952

>>555904

are you me? I'm getting chills reading this story since it is quite similar to mine and my father-figure grandfather's birthday was October 16

I know exactly what you mean by feeling nothing…

There is no easy fix but you yourself will be stronger if you try to love the Lord. For me the difference between living degenerately and living in grace and prayer is night and day. Funny it always seems that God calls me to prayer just before i get some great new grief to deal with…

Christanon 11/14/17 (Tue) 13:13:49 01728e No.555969

>>555903

>In a gay relationship for 10 year

>religious

Sodomy is grave a sin

Christanon 11/14/17 (Tue) 14:44:24 251ca8 No.555989

>>555969

>my mother was a drug addict, and had an abusive boyfriend for 10 or more years

>Mom still a drug addict, boyfriend still abusive, life at home still Hell.

>Someone had robbed my mom and her boyfriend in >>555904

The OP is referring to his mother. I mean, he said he is 23, ten years of relationship means he started at 13 give or take and that is probably nigh impossible. I will give you that his sentence coherency is a mess, but read carefully next time before being judgemental, lest you also be judged.

Christanon 11/14/17 (Tue) 15:23:07 cfa2a4 No.556000

>>555989

My bad.

Christanon 11/14/17 (Tue) 18:49:54 748be0 No.556098

tl;dr

Christanon 11/14/17 (Tue) 19:14:38 1c08ba No.556117

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Anon, I was an atheist nigger who went around demanding that Christians give me reparations for 15 years.

>Professing to be wise, they became fools.

It's that simple, and yet, it's that complex. You don't strike mas a science-cuck, so don't worry about the details. Just trust me when I say that it's not hard to convince yourself to believe almost anything.

If you haven't already, start NoFap now. If you smoke, drink, or use any kind of drugs, stop. We have to take away all of your coping mechanisms and make you face the black abyss head-on. When you do it, that programming will kick in and you'll say, "God…"

Then, go to a church. I recommend KJV-only Independent Fundamental Baptist :^)., but any church that's not super-liberal will do.

Christanon 11/14/17 (Tue) 19:41:40 336875 No.556137

>>555903

>>555904

I believe you can turn it around Anon. You've probably started having these thoughts again as a sign that you need to come back to it. For all the shit life has put you through, you lack a spiritual reprieve, a means of direction and purpose. He's calling for you.

Christanon 11/15/17 (Wed) 02:08:24 23878d No.556485

Well you're obviously posting here because you want to convert.

It's time to start prayer life and pick up that Bible, I suggest a Douay-Rheims or even a NAB for starting back.

Pray for the heavenly virtues of faith and hope.

Christanon 11/15/17 (Wed) 03:32:08 b40b78 No.556582

Sounds like a you problem. Conquer yourself, there is no one on earth that can help you. Find a purpose, and remember that man can't live individually.