I finally found the motivation to learn SQL aka babbys first language.
If anyone is looking for good sites to get started, these were the best for me:
https://sqlbolt.com/lesson/introduction
https://www.hackerrank.com/domains/sql
in that order. Don't bother too much with learning underlying theory, just get straight into writing queries and use the site stackoverflow if you get stuck on anything.
If you're an unemployed shut-in like myself, you'll have enough spare time to become good enough to get a job within a week, no bullshit.