/pone/ - My Little Pony★

>>305524

The heavy set guard stuttered, blinking. “Well uh, the stallions were looking restless after last night, so I thought that some hard work would be good for them.”

“Ah, so your first reaction, after the Castle has been infiltrated, is to take all of the soldiers and send them off to do manual labor.” Celestia stated bluntly, her glare intensifying. “Not, say, bring in more hooves to guard our gates, or fix the poorly optimized patrol route. Your concerns lie in the excess tapping of hooves or the bored sighs of my protectors.”

“Well, no! I left at least twelve guards-”

“Eight.” Anon interrupted. The Guard Captain turned to face her, hoping to draw some of the heat off of himself.

“And who the buck are you to talk to me like that?”

“That,” Celestia huffed, the steam from her nostrils now visible, “would be my fiance.”

“Oh.” He dropped his quill on the floor, ignoring it for a moment. “Well, it’s not like anypony was going to bust down the doors while we were away. Nothing ever really happens at the castle.”

“Both me and my future wife were hospitalized because a single intruder overwhelmed our short staff, stormed the gate, and took the Throne Room for himself. If the guards were on their normal patrols, he wouldn’t have made it past the front gate.”

He gulped. Celestia continued.

“Furthermore, things do happen at the Castle. For example, we had twenty ponies slip in and steal thousands of bits worth of gear, and tried to use it to kill me and my lover. In the middle of the night. Last night. But apparently, that doesn’t set off any alarm bells for you, as the disorganized mess of your guard patrols led to the majority of our security to be wasted. Because of this, they were able to create a barricade, preventing the few guards that did show up from dealing with the two who literally took me hostage.

Celestia glared, before rounding back to the exact cause of this intrusion.

“Now, I wonder -- exactly who is in charge of maintaining and securing our Guard’s gear, in the armory?”

The stallion was silent, unable to even look her in the eye.

“This isn’t a rhetorical question, Guard Captain.”

“That would be me, Princess Celestia.” He said, in little more than a whisper.

“And, after this gear went missing -- instead of notifying me, you tried to cover it up by sending a request for more equipment to be forged. And yes, it was forged, mind you – at the cost of taxpayer money. That exact number would be close to ten thousand bits, if I recall – as Gold colored armor is incredibly expensive. Now, since it wasn’t damaged or lost, but rather stolen – and the pony in charge of securing this weaponry tried to cover their hide by lying to me, I do believe that they should, in fact, pay for this blunder. Out of their own pocket. Now, again, just so I can hear it clearly – who exactly lied to their employer – and not just any employer, but the leading Princess of Equestria, about this mistake?”

“That would be me, Princess.” He mumbled.

“Come again?”

“That would be me, Princess!” He said, clearly this time. Tears formed in his eyes at the realization of what’s to follow.

“Ah! You, oh mighty Guard Captain? Of all ponies? Would make not just one, but several mistakes in a row? Why, whatever could this say about you?”

“I… I don’t know, Princess.”

“Well, I think I might know, Guard Captain. I think it means you aren’t fit for this job. Wouldn’t you agree?”

He was silent, hanging his head low.

“I expect your office empty and your chambers cleaned before dusk. That gives you two hours to leave. If you have any issues following that order, I’ll see to it that somepony more capable than you does it for you. And you do not want that to happen.”

Again, I'll note one last time; I have no intention of sharing the full document with nearly anyone. Not without butchering a lot of it, de-edging it, etc. Which would take a while. Edge is hard to remove.

If anyone even still uses this board, it would be nice to have a reply or two.

>>305531

It's not overwhelmingly edgy, I'm just mindful of what's good/what's distasteful, and I know I've already created a lot of "distasteful" content.

Also, you have a point. If you look closely at your picture, you can just barely see the autistic horse cutting themselves to emo music in the background.

Context: The night prior to these events, a Group of poorly, and I mean very poorly trained stallions from a once notorious Guerrilla warfare clan attempted to kill the MC/Princesses to appease some edgy (I literally wrote him to be as edgy as possible, literally everyone notes how edgy he is in the story, much to his displeasure) asshole who just so happens to be trying to empower some long dead God. Said God is creating the nightmare events around the world, that the main characters are trying to abolish.

While they were able to steal armor and weapons (because the Guard Captain got lazy after years of non-stop peace), their tactics were… well, stupid. At least, from an outsider's point of view. Leading to them being quickly overwhelmed, all because Luna locked her door.

The next day, that same asshole wasn't happy, and pretty much walked into the nearly unguarded Castle. I actually had fun writing this guy because he's clearly from the same era as Anon, yet kinda forced into being a creepy dick. When Anon noted his attire, and pointed out that he probably gets off on old Linkin Park, which was probably true - this led to him attacking.

It's one of the funnier bits. The story isn't convoluted on the surface, but rather actual events that happened in my nightmares. Which makes inspiration for this easy to come by.

>>305532

I'll go ahead and sum up the story/characters, so I don't have to later.

Era: Modern Equestria; before the MLP movie and after the majority of Season 7.

Main Characters:

Anon (not the name I use in the story): Inspired from Demon Souls, a human who is essentially in 'soul form', sharing a husk with a Goddess. Said Goddess is literally keeping their current husk alive, since Anon is supposed to be dead at the moment. Anon's memory is purposefully damaged by Solaris, for several reasons throughout the story. Anon's emotions can be completely repressed by the Goddess within her, keeping them steady. Anon's magic comes from Solaris.

Solaris: The Goddess in Question. A deity of the White Tail, she's a large doe embellished with white markings across her brown fur, white irises, and a rough white mane. She is known as the Goddess of Light and Fate, and has the ability to see the very strings that connect it all. She also can see the future, to a point, and can establish prophecies. Her personality and mannerisms are a bit jumbled from kinda being stuck inside of a shell with a human soul. She chose Anon because of two factors; 1, Human souls absorb (but don't produce) a lot of magic, meaning that Anon would make a great Avatar for this very purpose. 2, Anon's soul is repressed, meaning it's easier to transport from purgatory, and will grow larger with time. But, because of this process, the husk has to match the soul, and a tiny soul… well, leads to a few "small" problems. Inspired from Anonfilly, partially, but also because my point of view in my dreams is from the perspective of a child, not my full size. I believe this has to do with my fears leaving me overwhelmed, and depression is a bitch.

The Princesses: All Princesses make an appearance in the story. The main ones would be Celestia and Luna, which both take the reigns and push onwards, essentially guiding Anon through the world. If it weren't for Solaris and her ability to create prophecies, they wouldn't have been on board with housing and essentially paying for these grand adventures. They also directly participate in the events, because if Solaris doesn't banish this "great (edgy) evil", then the world is pretty much forfeit. What Kingdom will they run if everyone is dead?

Anon Part 2; Electric Boogaloo: Also known as "Death" (or as Anon refers to him, "xX_Blade_Master_Xx"), this is essentially the average faggot you find browsing /b/, or /pol/. He's ecstatic that he has all of these sweet powers, but pissed that he has to wear black robes and have an evil voice stuck in his head. He's also upset that he couldn't bring his phone to play some sick music when he's slaughtering foals and mares. Yes, that edgy. He also has a penchant for cursing, and calling ponies faggots.

For some reason, you get the feeling he writes Fallout fanfiction, mixed with ponies.

Supporting Characters:

Doctor Bones: Bone physicist extraordinaire, his skills include unbreaking bones. He prefers the title "Mr. Bones".

Crimson Care: Head Doctor at Canterlot Castle Med Ward, makes plenty of appearances and examinations throughout the story. He's good with both animals (read: Anon) and ponies, and knows when to keep his mouth shut.

The Mane Six: Yep, they're there. Kinda. More so disgruntled about not being the heroes of this story. Well, except Pinkie. She's always gruntled.

Thorax and Cadence: Takes the throne while the Princesses are away, to give the illusion of peace. Thorax simply imitates Celestia, and Luna isn't really missed. Cadence advises him.

Shades of Everfree: Remember those ponies who broke into the castle? Yep, this is them. Stuck between the border of White Tail Wood and the Everfree, they were caught in the wars of the White Tail and Cervidae (Red Tail). That was hundreds of years ago, of course. Now, they're mostly just farmers and gatherers, outside of Canterlot's rule. Their village was lost to Anon2, and would only be returned if they killed Anon1 and sacrificed the Princesses in the name of the Elder God. Of course, they failed.

I'll post some Mr. Bones, 'cause he's one of the funnier characters.

Celestia corrected herself. “Mr. Bones, under your care, how long until she’s fully recovered?”

“Fully recovered? A bit hard to say. Without my treatments, it’d be a month before she could walk -- with crutches. Under my care? A week and she’ll be good as new.”

“That’s a big improvement.” She smiled, closing in on the two. She draped her wing comfortably around the tiny girl. Anon ignored her.

“But she’s young. These tonics will work doubly as fast! Probably. If it even affects her.”

“What was that last bit?” Celestia said, smiling. Of course she heard, but it’s always fun to watch ponies stutter.

“Nothing, nothing -- ah, here we go!” The white stallion quickly poured one vial into another, until he ended with a softly glowing blue solution. Withdrawing a needle, he filled his syringe and scooped up Anon’s cast-covered foot.

“I don’t think that’ll go through-” Anon began, before Mr. Bones popped the needle through the rock hard fabric. Anon yelped, feeling the needle grind against her bones.

“A-Ack! I-I want off this wild ride!”

Mr. Bones chuckled, pulling the needle free of the cast. He quickly plucked her jaw with the blue substance, holding her head still with a single hoof. In less than a second, he was done with her face.

“Now the fun part!” He said, popping the needle in and out of her ribs in several spots. Each new poke drew a cute squeak from Anon. While agonizing, it was a very short “operation”, leaving her panting and gasping in agony. The fact that Mr. Bones was holding it under-hoofed and laughing maniacally did NOT help.

“H-How did you miss my lungs?…” She asked, clutching her side.

“I did? Oh. Neat.” He quickly stuffed the needle back into his bag, without bothering to empty it, sanitize it, or do any other form of maintenance. Anon was suddenly worried about the cleanliness of the procedure, along with her own physical health.

“Alright Princess, you know the drill -- I work all day, you pay the way. Gimme gimme.”

Celestia, without even bothering to correct his rude behavior, withdrew a pouch from under her wing. She didn’t notice it before, but the Princess had several items neatly tucked away in inconspicuous places -- small ink bottles, coin purses, parchments. They only started to appear when Anon looked hard for them, and when the Princess was actively withdrawing them. Otherwise, it looked like magic.

“Let’s see… ah, yes, perfect. Money. Good. Love the stuff. Lots of it, too. Thankies!” The odd, white stallion dropped the small coinpurse into his satchel, before slinging it over his back and cantering away.

>>305541

So, the point of that rambling affair, was to say to OP,

>>305523 (OP)

Go ahead and share the thing as-is. We all get it's an incomplete mess. If you want comments it's going to have to be on the actual writing, not the snippets you give us.

Having a lone human as both the main character, and Celestia's fiance, is pretty edgy long before you get to Lord Emo.

Hey, you're not Nymphanon, are you? He helped me a great deal with my still-unreleased (still unfinished) FoE 'fic and he said he'd left half-chan for here … that guy is why I ever came here in the first place … but then he went back because the people who made fun of him didn't come here with him.

I miss that guy. He should grow a pair and move for real this time.

>>305537

>>305538

>>305539

>>305541

Alright, I'll post the document, with absolutely 0 edits then, besides a snippet at the beginning.

I've been screwed by 8chan before, which is why I don't like sharing content as much. But I might as well just toss it out there. I just have some bad anxiety over posting it, I guess.

>>305543

Nah. Someone else entirely.

http://puu.sh/zkVYx/1fa6720968.odt <- The file. I use libre office, which fits my writing style nicely.

>>305546

Oh, sweet. Thanks.

aside from the over-used trope of dying to reach equestria, which again leads to somewhat edgy "HiE" fics I'm not personally fond of everything by page five is fine, although I have to note the "MC is informed they will now save the universe thank you and welcome" trope combined with "you meet this character because they have amnesia and are meeting themselves too" trope stand out a bit as tropes.

But so far it's not awkward.

>>305550

Yeah, I wanted to include a note, something along the line of "skip the first 5 pages", but I decided not to. People would just read it anyway. But a story has to start >somewhere<.

And there are a few tropes in use! Trying to be 100% original can be just as bad as trying to be generic. Finding a balance is hard.

>>305551

I think it's not really the use of the trope, as the deployment. Make it feel organic, like it actually happened that way, not "And here's a convenient plot hole every character will trip over!"

There've been two typos too, but I forgot where so I haven't marked them yet. I do think it would have felt a little more natural if the 'prophecy' was 17, or 48, or some greater number of years ago than "a few" … unless that precisely coincides with the sooth sayer meeting Lord Emo and piecing together what she just saw … and was really just guessing how far out the final battle would be, and that it would involve an accidental tunnel to the human world somewhere in the middle. In which case, says the sooth-sayer to herself, the human isn't directly involved yet … if we woo them first, they'll fight for us, instead of against.

But I'm guessing it doesn't have that particular twist further on, does it…?

>>305552

Nah, nothing like that. No return to Earth, Mr. Emo doesn't even exist yet in the story. It begins to unfold itself later on. I feel as if I started to make the story too complicated, and because of that, I had to round back on myself to "solidify" what makes sense and what doesn't.

>>305554

Then I stand by what I suggested, that it should have taken more than a few years … even if sixty five years had passed, that's still in the lifetime of most of the ponies that were around when it was given.

Now I'm going to complain about this:

>Oh yes -- before it’s left unmentioned, Celestia was a Princess. A very tall one

That's a switch from third person limited to something approximating omniscient. The tone switch, and concentrated "telling" are things in general to be avoided. Also, consider your audience. You could arguably just assume your readers know the physical appearance of the show's main characters. it wouldn't draw that much ire from most critics if you did.

But if it's there for either the non-bronies, or to ground your interpretation of your world and Celly's appearance … work it in gradually. Describe her looking down at a messenger, or the messenger pony looking up at her. Describe her regal standing despite her mental turmoil over the prophecy's note.

In short, show, don't tell, and for sure don't take a paragraph to tell us the mostly-obvious.

>>305556

I know it's obvious, and everyone already knows what every character looks like - but it's egregious as a writer to not include the description of a character. People know what Twilight, or Pinkie Pie looks like, but what does the writer also envision them to be? Back when I used to read fics, people made the mistake of >not< doing as such. While I know what a character would look like, writers assumed I knew what they >wanted< them to look like. An example would be someone turning characters anthro. I didn't even know the characters were anthro until someone mentioned hands. I'm not sharing it with non-bronies, rather creating an idea in your head.

Do you know how annoying it is to get 4,000 words in, before realizing that the characters were, in fact, not what I envisioned? I had to drop fics for this exact purpose.

Also, please note that if I were to put this in a development stage, I'd consider it an unpolished rough draft. I can change the tone of the writing easily. Some sections were written late at night with inspiration, others when I just woke up - quality will fluctuate. Again, I had no intention of linking the entire thing. I just wanted to share the more agreeable bits, things I legitimately enjoyed - but I was convinced to link the entire thing.

Your criticisms are agreeable, though this story may never reach a full potential public release. For many reasons! Not without going through the chopping block and lopping off >massive< autistic sperg fests, thus changing the tone of the entire story. Which I don't particularly mind.

>"or at least an omega."

… you don't know your wolf terminology? Omega is the bottom-feeding runt that has to suck up to EVERY body else in the pack.

The omega is only allowed to stay in the pack because they're good at sucking dick. Or in the real world it's more like, pup-sitting. And eating barfed up meals because that's how the babysitter gets paid.

>>305557

>but it's egregious as a writer to not include the description

Which I referred to, when I said

>or to ground your interpretation of your world and Celly's appearance

I'm just saying, don't do it like that … work it in, make it part of the story. Show us your regal Celestia doing her job, and we'll piece together how you, the writer, envision her.

>>305558

Ah, sorry. I thought the omega was the second in charge; not the bottom feeder. That will be corrected.

>>305559

That can be arranged. Like I said, while I have a lot of experience writing, this is the first piece of real content I put out in over a year (including art, and other medians).

> "You can call me Saria by the way. Suh -- re – uh. Pronounced like Maria."

See? Like this. I was indeed mispronouncing her name all this time, but you've both corrected your audience's misunderstandings, and shown it in the context of events in the story. That's how you're supposed to include descriptions.

>>305561

I'll try to work things in more fluently for you. But I do want to be mindful of the pacing on descriptions; dumping it can be as bad as posting much too late.

>>305562

>dumping it can be as bad as posting much too late.

For sure. It's a balancing act, but one that pays good rewards when you find it.

> 98.6 Degrees for the temperature

> height for a male human is two meters

You really shouldn't mix and match your systems. I mean, I've caught myself doing it, usually in the form of inches and hooves rather than fahrenheit and meters but … I'm just going to suggest, either use the metric system, or don't.

>>305564

Well, I typically use Celsius for science, and Fahrenheit for "living" temperatures. I'll go back and adjust it.

The Imperial system is also my preferred unit of measurement, but for exact sciences I use metric. I typically switch depending on the situation; and I consider a meter the same as a yard for most purposes (though they aren't).

It's part of my own line of thinking. I'll be sure to update future sections with proper formatting.

I'm fucking terrified of the lewd scenes though. I should have cut them, since I can't show that in a Christian Manga.

> mute point.

The point is moot. A coworker & I were discussing the term, and I think I know where it came from.

In the frozen north, the … tribes? each had, hmm jarl is from Skyrim but I bet it's right. They'd decide things but sometimes it require more consideration … so once a year, the chiefs would got together and hold a moot … much like a congressional session in the US … a lot of talking would happen, things would change, and maybe there was no association overlapping those two aspects.

So, something would come up, and by the time an official answer was brought back, it kinda didn't matter anymore. The person had died, or other events had changed the problem.

Thus, a moot point, that is, a point that needs to be taken up for discussion at the next moot, is a point of discussion that you can probably just start ignoring now, because that's about how far discussing it will actually change things.

Like your spelling ;-) … pointing out your grammatical errors is a moot point, too.

> Don’t give me ideas. You have no idea how absolutely adorable she is.

Heh. The Sunny D joke was good too.

>>305569

Sometimes I'm genuinely funny. Most of the time, no. No I am not.

>>305565

>in a Christian Manga.

Wait. Is that a thing?

>>305523 (OP)

>someone else had nightmares/odd dreams that in some way involved ponies

Weird.

>>305628

They're more side characters than anything, as the actual nightmares revolved around myself. Being lost in the dark, traversing cramped spaces, dealing with things that freaked me out (both growing up and even more mature fears.)

Ponies were often there to offer guidance or comfort me, because my closest friends are also horsefuckers. And I could always rely on them, or the show, to cheer me up when I'm feeling really down.

If I didn't have ponies, then I would be alone in my nightmares. Completely alone. And often times, I would have died in those dreams (which would wake me up) instead of actually finishing them. So I guess it's a form of self implemented emotional support.

>>305639

Mhm. It started off somewhat like that too - in fact, the first ever dream I had, that I included in the story is 100% unedited. It's pretty much an exact retelling of what my brain came up with. There are other sections that I've taken out of context from my dreams - the Library in Canterlot, for example, popped up before. With the exact scene of Twilight teaching me to read Equestrian.

When I had the flu forever ago, I dreamed I was in the Castle's medical ward. Doctor Bone's scene is pretty much unchanged, even with the manic-stabbing sequence.

I'd like to note that my story is written in the improper order. The first ever dream was when Luna entered my sleeping mind. The second dream was actually in the Abysmal Abyss. The third dream was in the Shade's Town, the fourth took place… well, I can't say it, but it hasn't happened in the story yet.

I think somewhere around the seventh dream I met Twilight for the first time, along with Bones. I had a lot of dreams. Still do, on occasion.

>>305648

I've been adding to it daily. It's not like I'm bored of it, some days I add just a few paragraphs, others I add like, 8 pages. I'll update the word doc every >other< day, Thursday, with any progress (and changes) made, including typing errors, butchering, etc.

It's not horrible, I hope. The first several pages can just be outright skipped, or I could just butcher them out entirely since it doesn't seem to add to the story in any way.

>sanity

Have you been hit with something that feels like an mkultra attack?

>>305781

No, but I accidentally slipped the other day and gave myself a mild concussion. Does that count?

>>305782

Some say head trauma can lead to similar results. Concussions for example are what were blamed for the Chris Benoit situation.

>>305814

I thumped my head yesterday, not before any of this. I had to leave work early, but not see a doctor. I'll take it, tbh.

>>305821

It could make it worse if it was a bad enough hit. You'll probably be fine though, I wouldn't worry about it.

>>305825

It was pretty mild. I just had a pretty bad headache and was left disoriented for several hours, other than that (besides some nausea and fatigue) I'm fine.

>>305895

I kinda fucked up when I was making a schedule for this by having a headache being lazy and not checking my own typing, so I'll be a little more clear.

I'll try to update the document every Thursday Night/Friday AM's.

One day, I might make a version that highlights what I actually experienced in my nightmares/dreams and what I just made up to progress the story.