/monster/ - The Last Bastion of Romance★

Maintenance here.

>>341258

Hey, don't worry about it, it's a nice gesture no matter what. Seriously, Nubia's going crazy with ideas. Maybe she'll share her notes? She's almost more excited about this than the wedding, it's a little bit

<I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS you are going to LOVE this one how would you like to be able to interface with Jonno like we do with our man? Wait wait hold on need to get this tweaked aaaaand DONE I'm sending the details. You'll need a set of - yes, you'll need some magic/information conductive gel, definitely a few minor restraints to prevent sleepwalking, and most definitely a shot or two of Jonno's liquid courage of choice ( some people have trouble with their first minddives and since you're not a Flayer or a Nightmare like me you'll need every advantage you can get ) but it will be worth it. There, sent, best of luck!

...Wow. Um, hope it works?

>>341259

>Lonely in here

Wait, are you the researcher in building C? I thought you had a whole team on level 2 who'd been playing that Starcraft mod for the last 3 years? When did that change?

>>341263

Oh wow... Uh... Nubia is it? That's really sweet of you but neural interfaces have been a thing for a few years now. Telia and I VR together all the time. Heh, sometimes we even [NOPENOPENOPENOPE].

...Honey, why are you back in the server and why is your sleeve in the... Merciful Lord of Light... How did you blow that entire thing?!

System Unit would like to inform you that it is all your fault y-you gorgeous dumbdumb...

>>341260 (OP)

As I said before, either hire more researchers in my building or I'm fixing the problem myself. I started talking to my equipment damn it.

I need social interaction! And all of you avoid me like I'm radioactive. Which I'm not!

>>341258

SHUT UP ROBUTT I'M NOT SCARED YOU'RE SCARED. SCARED OF THESE KILLER PYTHONS AND Oh Lord what if she doesn't like me what if she thinks I'm one of those stupid Ilians fucking cunts giving the rest of us a bad name and GAH! WHO TURNED ON VOICE RECOGNITION? YOU THINK I'M DUMB ENOUGH TO POST... WAIT! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! DON'T POST DON'T POS...

>>341253

Decompiler plus virtual network and actuators. Doesn't work for distributed representations in network architectures, but general structure and custom heuristics show up clear as day. It's not getting connected to the system.

The only reason that magitech interface exists was to try and initialize automaton systems with witch neural information. Turned out it's easier to just build in magitech components pre-training and let environmental interactions do most of the heavy lifting.

>>341263

You don't need magic to unify consciousness across multiple agents. Just a high-bandwidth connection and <100 ms signal latency. Advanced enough cortical implants will get you there just fine. If you're uncomfortable with neurosurgery, even if it's noninvasive, I guess magic can be used to manipulate the brain's EM fields to the same effect.

>>341265

>I thought you had a whole team on level 2

Dr. Bile has the sub-basement lab, actually; connected to each building funnily enough. For whatever reason his requests keep getting canned. A lot of us think his whole doomsday device thing is a cry for attention. That or we pushed him over the edge and really is going to blow it all up.

>>341267

>And all of you avoid me like I'm radioactive.

>Which I'm not!

Anymore.

Maintenance here.

>>341263

>>341269

Yeah, I get the impression Nubia tends to stick to magic and books, rather than keeping up with tech. I think she was mostly trying to burn off some nervous energy.

>>341268

Oi, Gazza! Bloody well relax, will you? I didn't mention that devil Clarice for nothing - we'd been talking about the day her parents brought her by the office, and I ended up letting slip that you had expressed a bit of interest in her. She, well, let's just say her words were "…sounds like an idiot. But kind of cute. I'm intrigued. Introduce us, will you?"

>>341270

Wait, which level and building are you even in? I've got nearly full access to Building A and I end up getting everywhere, and I don't think I've seen you once.

Maintenance here.

>>341272

Bloody hell, I just ended up responding to my own blasted post here. Meant to reply to:

>>341265

instead.

>>341272

>Clarice

Oh blessed Ammit…

Gazza, I want you to listen to me very carefuly. Like I told you after you sent that weresheep into catatonia, your Hannibal Lecter impersonation is neither 'cute' nor 'funny'. Jonno, I know Benny's still off on medical leave until day after tomorrow but if Telia can cast into something appropriately beefy, would you mind stapling this to his forehead if it doesn't look like he's taking it seriously? I'm not kidding, another week smoothing things out with the union is not my idea of a good time.

To whomever left a cup of warm tea at my desk this morning, you have my thanks. It was delicious. The lipstick was maybe a bit much. I know who you are.

>>341268

Just a quick heads up to Gazza, I need your latest spending report so I can factor that into our company's current budget. And please send it as soon as possible, chief is being an asshole as usual I swear to god, he's antagonizing me for no reason, and even more so ever since Haruko started working here. At least I have my date with her today to look forward to

Hi, everyone! New sysadmin hire here. I basically do for our servers and network what our resident hellknight maintenance man does for, well, everything else around here. Gotta say, though, the disaster recovery plans and potential scenarios documented here are quite a bit more extensive than at my last job. Not sure if that should be reassuring or the opposite.

>>341265

You know, Jonno, if Telia could use extra sleeves, I know a gremlin who runs a little cosplay-themed sleeve business on the side. Now, I don't know if either of you would be interested in that sort of thing, but the gremlin has four prototype sleeve units (two sets of matched pairs) that she's trying to have ready to sell in the next few months. If you want, I could put in a word, and she'd be happy to cut you a sweet deal on one of the prototype pairs in exchange for doing some beta testing for her. I don't know exactly what that testing entails, but it couldn't hurt to ask. I also don't know exactly what the sleeves look like. All she said is to ask whether you want the redhead pair or the white/silver hair pair. Then she cryptically quoted Shakespeare and started cackling. "To be or not to be, that is the question." Never even knew she read Shakespeare.

By the way, while I'm here, anyone know a good way to let a unicorn down gently? That one in Medical that did my onboarding exam and drug test was very sweet and seemed really, really, really friendly with me, but I'm not exactly ready to settle down right now. I mean, I don't even know her or anyone else here very well yet.

>>341272

>Wait, which level and building are you even in? I've got nearly full access to Building A and I end up getting everywhere, and I don't think I've seen you once.

Sub basement. Have a whole lab down here and everything. It's so far out of the way that few even knows it exists. It's cripplingly lonely, but I don't let it effect my work.

Besides the doomsday devices I've done alot of good. I got each building hooked up to a power generator that runs on [REDACTED]. I haven't had to change the supply, and won't for a few years now.

>>341272

Pfft. Of course she's intrigued. It's me. I'm awesome. Yeah… I wonder if I should buy a third suit…

>>341274

FUCK YOU IT'S HILARIOUS HER BRAIN WAS BROKEN WHEN I GOT THERE.

>>341275

Spending report? Ah hell… Old boss used to OK all of that shit. I guess you could ask the mad slav if you can find him. Otherwise I guess we'll try and knock something together.

>>341277

I think you broke Jonno… He pulled the mains on the stockpicker and now he's sitting at the other terminal giggling maniacally. Also the Database servers are beeping like mad… I think Robutt's got similar ideas.

I guess you'll hear from him?

And Unicorns? Just mention that you're really glad the herpes hasn't come back. Never seen anything run that fast before in my life.

>>341279

Oi man, you know you're on the mailing invite for fridays down pub right? That hasn't changed, you just can't bring the briefcase nuke with you. It's nothing personal, they make us take off the helmets as well.

>>341281

>tell the unicorn you have herpes.

Not gonna work, I'm afraid.

1) She already did a medical exam, including blood work, on me. She knows I'm clean.

2) I'm pretty sure the mamonos around here can smell the wizardly virginity on me, and that probably goes even more so for unicorns.

I mean, I don't really want to shut her down completely. I just want to take time to get to know more people and find the right person before I make a commitment. That's all.

>>341281

>Oi man, you know you're on the mailing invite for fridays down pub right? That hasn't changed, you just can't bring the briefcase nuke with you. It's nothing personal, they make us take off the helmets as well.

I get loose lipped when sauced. I actually took up the offer a while back. Started talking about some hush hush stuff, but you probably won't remember that, amnestics and all.

>>341283

> I'm pretty sure the mamonos around here can smell the wizardly virginity on me, and that probably goes even more so for unicorns.

Got some stuff that mask the effect, if you want it. Or you could just politely tell her that you aren't ready for a relationship yet, if you want to be boring and nice. Despite the forwardness of most MGs, a vast majority back off if you tell them that.

>>341281

>I think Robutt's got similar ideas.

Is that why my login prompt just got updated with a MOTD (Message Of The Day) that says "Glory to Mankind!"

>>341284

>Got some stuff to mask the effect.

You know what, I think I'll take you up on that. Just in case. Paranoid control freak sysadmin and all.

I have returned from depths of maintenence tunnels. Previous problems fixed. More or less. Either way, tunnels mostly fine for travel now. Attached are rules and notes to follow.

General rules:

>If see rune, DO NOT TOUCH.

>If see many rune, DO NOT ENTER.

>If see line of salt or white ash, DO NOT TOUCH OR GO PAST IT.

>If see someone past salt or ash line, IGNORE. Even if they cry for help, IGNORE. Likely skinwalker.

>If see pool of water, AVOID, IGNORE, DO NOT LOOK INTO. If pool of water moves, put eletrical shock through it.

>If something not feel right, throw bolt. Likely anomaly nearby. DO NOT WALK INTO ANOMALY LIKE DIPSHIT.

Notes

>Sections 2a, 2c, and 3c still radioactive. Bring proper gear if going here. Do not stay long.

>There is fountain in 3g. Do not masturbate into it.

>There is fountain in 4b. Do masturbate into it.

>The skull in 5a always lies.

>The skull in 3f always tells the truth.

>Both skulls like to switch places.

>Both skulls are full of bullshit.

>Nice babushka lives in 4h. Bring her cheese or flowers and she'll make you good bread or a cake. She likes to talk, so keep her company. Do not mention [REDACTED] from 1e.

>There is alter at 5c. Leave offering or else spirit of alter will curse you.

>If find camp with well-armed men sitting around campfire, join in. Share vodka, play music, tell stories. They will give information or help if happy. However, if these is man named Bus, leave camp immediately.

>Bring garlic clove necklace and kielbasa if going near 6a, 6b, or 6c. If hear whispers from [REDACTED], do following.

<Stick one finger in ear.

<Bite off piece of kielbasa and gold in teeth. Do not chew.

<Spin around three times.

<While holding kielbasa in teeth, say "Idi na hui, chort." and spit. Do not let kielbasa fall out of teeth.

<Eat kielbasa piece and kiss garlic. [REDACTED] will shut up.

Rest is trial and error. Anyway, what did I miss on surface world?

>>341286

Hey, slav, Gazza told me to contact you regarding the spending report. Budgets, you know, real mess. Anyway, you haven't missed much. A nightmare visited us yesterday, the Automasoft is creaming itself as usual and some guy got himself a harem made up by a cursed sword and a living armor. Not much really. Anyway, I need that report asap, chief is giving me the stink eye again so please come and kill him for me, you'd do us all a huge favor. I also think he might have yeti blood in him

By the way, radiation? In maintainance? Isn't that really unhealthy? I'd rather not go sterile so young.

>>341288

Ah, spending report huh? Look in the lone cabinet next to the vending machine on floor two. There should be a report there. Just add an extra zero to the end of lines 2, 3, and 5, and it's good.

You'll know what to do with the package.

>>341286

Welcome back, I'm offering the usual rate for any artifacts you've got. And a few iodine pills, on the house.

Hey everyone! I’m the new Human Resources intern in charge of actual human cases in this company. If you have any questions or concerns just shoot me an email and I’ll be glad to help!

Also, if any of you lifers here wouldn’t mind giving me some tips to stay sane in the workplace that would be greatly appreciated!

>>341291

>tips to stay sane in the workplace that would be greatly appreciated!

Friends, hobbies. I've taken up painting little space bugs as my break-time activity.

>>341291

Make yourself a bunker. Learn to be sneaky breeki. Drink at work.

You're probably going to get raped before the day is up.

So here's the situation I'm looking at. One, apparently the Sabbath is really keen on recruiting Alps who haven't transformed yet, and while they haven't tried anything blatantly shifty to get me in, that's not to say they won't step up their game over the next couple of months as my remaining male mojo runs out. And they're offering some fairly hefty incentives, so maybe it's in my best interest to just go for it while my head is still confirmed as un-fucked-with. On the other hand, Head Gremlin Zuzi in RnD has offered to arrange a bit of a party to burn up all my reserves in one go and rip the bandaid off, so to speak, instead of waiting and wondering when exactly it'll happen. So if the hardest decision you've had to make all day is what tie to wear, get down on your knees right now and thank the fates that you aren't in my shoes.

>>341291

As long as you're not facing impending Alpification, you'll have better chances at staying sane than me.

>>341297

>he is ok with being an alp

Neck yourself fag. And a heads up, just got done brewing coffee so go get it while it's warm.

Maintenance here.

>>341286

I am so very much glad I've been given express instructions that I no longer deal with that area. I swear, I was just down there a few days ago and I didn't see any of those things.

>>341291

Coffee. Lots of coffee. Better if you can get on Mrs. Firewine's good side and get her to make you some of the good stuff. Also, get very good at paperwork. There's a stupid amount of it, and your department has even more than mine, so I guarantee you will either get good or go mad.

>>341297

Hmm, well. Sabbath on the one hand, the R&D division on the other. I guess either way, your spirit energy needs will be taken care of after you turn. If my gremlin friend is any indication, you will probably want to avoid the grape flavored spirit energy supplements. She claims she misread the package when she bought them. She says they taste even worse than the other spirit energy supplements. Then again, has anyone ever gotten artificial grape flavoring to taste good?

Since I prefer females that obviously appear to have already undergone puberty, and therefore am not a big fan of the Sabbath (to say nothing of all the shenanigans and chicanery they get up to), I can't really offer any unbiased advice for your decision. I never even knew Alpification could be steered toward a particular mamono type, so there's that for the Sabbath, if you have a preference. Otherwise, you'll end up a garden variety succubus. Then again, gremlins, for all their mischief, are really handy friends to have if you get on their good side. Protip: most gremlins have a huge sweet tooth

>>341298

>ok with it

My mojo has already shut down and it's going to happen sooner or later, so the only other choice I have is Roof Access and giving Maintenance a mess to clean up on the pavement below that they'd rather not, plus HR would not thank me for the paperwork. Apparently to prevent that very thing, HR sedates those in my position with a solid Don't Panic enchant on the persistence of identity paperwork packet.

Also, if you somehow read "thank the fates that you are not in my shoes" as being okay with it, then you probably don't have the literacy levels your position requires.

>>341289

Slav, what the fuck?! If I'm reading this report right, you spent $1000 last month in salt ALONE. TABLESALT! And what the fuck does "various magical reagents" mean? No, I know what a reagent is, I have played tabletop rpgs before, I need to know why and how you racked up a bill of $400.365,78! And don't fucking tell me it's weed, because it better not be fucking weed! Jesus Christ, slav, what the fuck are you dealing with down there? At this rate it would be more profitable to move our entire enterprise to a safer location and build new offices than let you keep working. Exosuits, guns, ammunition and… Bolts? The fuck, $50 dollars in bolts? Why do you need so many bolts for, are you building a bridge down there? The only thing that does make sense is your vodka budget, of which you have only spent 80%, so congrats, you got some left. No wait, that's line 5

…

You have overexeeded the vodka budget by more than 200% slav what the fuck

Maintenance here.

>>341301

Actually, the Don't Panic razzer wore off a while ago. It's strong, sure, but only works while you're reading the documents so you can think reasonably clearly. I may have hit you with a bit of a booster when I was checking for Sabbath effects, just so you could keep your head on straight. I won't apologize. I've lost enough friends that way.

Also, I'm the only one with keys to the roof, so no, that was never an option.

If it helps, I can confirm that you do have a significant amount of choice in what sort of Alp you turn into. Yes, hitting up the Sabbath would get you their bonuses, and limit the amount of feminine attributes you gained…except, of course, for the increased resemblance to small children. If you go with your boss's advice and "rip off the bandaid" as it were, that's where you get more options. A few W.I.Z.Tek dropouts I know ended up going that exact route, actually, and they are most certainly not simple Succubi.

>>341300

Well, I could join as a low-tier member and still work in R&D. And there is the point that after I turn, getting too much oomph can result in me developing inconveniently large knockers on my own personal torso, a fate which does not appeal to me and which the Sabbath can definitively prevent. I mean sure, boobs are great and all, but I'd rather not have to cart around my very own pair of funbags.

>>341302

Forgot to mention, got the package. Thanks, I'll put it to good use. Hopefully it won't kill me in the process as well

>>341303

>he thinks a guy who works alongside gremlins needs keys to get anywhere

I may seem more together than the guy in the sub-basement, but if I was seriously planning that one-way trip I could manage to eliminate a door. That said, I'm not seriously considering that anymore, and I appreciate the extended booster.

Inventory Management here. Just a few announcements I need to make.

1: The "My Cuddle Boyfriends" that we are provided the Sabbath are faulty. At least by their standards, the artificial semen formula had the breast expansion formula in it and boy are they fucking pissed. Just keep an eye out until we provide replacements, and stay safe.

2: Mad Slav, I have an international posting available to deal with some mofucores in our Vietnam sweatshop facility if you're interested.

3: Last thing. Whoever is putting "World's Best Alp Mom" stickers on my stuff is going to have to deal with Miss Schlomette Leafberg if you continue.

>>341153

No, it wasn't Nat, this Kej looked a tad more depressed/unkempt. Unusual for one of them to have such dirty/hair, maybe she is homeless? I might talk to her and find out.

>>341304

There's an old wives tale that you can affect what kind of monster you turn into based on who you hang around. I.e. If you hang around a lizardman for the next few months you're more likely to turn into one.

i swear I'm the only guy left in production. Seems like everyone either quit or have transferred departments. Can't say I blame them. Jim was a wreck after that techno shog caught him.

>>341318

…We JUST got him as Director of Assets and Logistics! Fuck, fine, if you're gonna go waving danger and glory in his face at least replace him with someone equally as bro-tier.

200% of the vodka budget… This fucking guy, man…

>>341322

He should only be gone for a week, I'll send one of my doppelgangers to replace him. Just to warn you though, she gets a little too into her… impressions and you won't be able to tell the difference between Mad Slav and herself unless you get her as shitfaced as a Blue Oni during happy hour.

Alright, if no one is going to hire more researchers then I'm going to make some. If you happen to see me in two places, then you'll know what I mean. He should be done within the month.

>>341320

More likely, but not guaranteed. Basically, you've got to get close enough to whoever that you begin to incubize, but not so close that she takes all your residual energy before that happens. It's hard to do on purpose. However, this morning Head Grem had a bit of inspiration and proposed a mad science experiment to me, and the preliminary data suggests it will go well, so we're going ahead with that. But I don't want to say too much yet in case it doesn't work.

>>341298

>>341298

>Neck yourself fag.

>

Who else is sure this guy has a huge collection of alp-centric porn?

>>341345

Either that or he's on his way to losing his pecker too. These types always turn out to be the girliest girls when they hop the fence.

Maintenance here.

Alright, chuckleheads, which one of you decided it would be a fun idea to try and spike my coffee? Thanks to this ruddy curse, alcohol doesn't do anything to me other than taste awful, we've been over this. Whoever did the deed, you done wasted some booze.

>>341291

Just file a regular complaint/request paper if you ever need me to fix your electronics. Last thing I need is someone busting in my cubes (I decided to redecorate since it was me and like 3 other people there) and ruining something.

>>341354

If we wanted to spike your drink, we would've put an aphrodisiac in and just pants you whenever to least expected it.

Okay, I'm currently in Head Grem Zuzi's lab, and in a half hour I will be fully attached to all sorts of mad science devices. If this doesn't work, by tomorrow I'll just be another derp-horned succubutt and we'll have a pile of boring data. If it does work, we will have a pile of very interesting data and I will be… something else.

Maintenance here.

>>341361

Yeah, I kinda doubt you'd be the ones to waste alcohol, even the raw ethanol. Also, the second part of your speculative plan seems suspect - I wear jumpsuits mostly, and recently Cressida's been doing her best to keep me covered. How would you get around that?

>>341393

Best of luck. If you'd like I can get you in touch with some of my former classmates who also ended up Alping. Maybe they could help you get acclimated?

Well, this has been an interesting day. Got a minor environmental alarm in one of our datacenters. Turns out that having server racks positively infested with mofucores isn't that great for airflow and cooling. Spent an hour or two gently removing the little rascals and relocating them to the daycare. I don't even know how they got in there, but I guess the ventilation system might need another check--and maybe some industrial grade filtration barriers. I thought you guys had already rounded them all up?

Oh, and I noticed there's this weird VAX server just humming along in the corner. I mean literally humming with some sort of eerie low-frequency vibration. No one seemed to know its hostname or IP address on the network. Any of you other IT guys know what that thing does? Or why it has glowing runes carved into its casing? Or why it is still on even though it doesn't appear to be connected to any discernible power source?

Oh, and I've been reading through the site documentation. I think we should probably look into getting some generators for the server rooms, or at least see if R&D can whip something up for us. I don't think "horny raijus" should count as an official power outage mitigation strategy--but I'll keep it in my back pocket as an unofficial strategy.

>>341393

Keep us posted. Oh, and be sure to have your name badge updated with a new picture. And don't take offense if most people don't recognize you for a few days.

By the way, Maintenanceomancer, got a little question for you:

Are you sure there's no way to practice magic without being forced into a guild and/or marriage? One of the results from my onboarding exam said I apparently have a latent magical potential that measures in "fug-tons," but I've never had so much as a single magic lesson. It seems like it would be a neat hobby to get into.

Maintenance here.

>>341399

Perhaps I should clarify this? The funny thing is, these days, magic is regulated in a way that makes the paperwork of the entire company combined look like a field trip permission slip. BUT - that's only for verified Wizards, after graduation from one of the appropriate academies. There's a lot of technical information involved, and I could go into more detail if you'd like. The gist of it, though, is that since we Wizards go through the whole process and end up with our souls irrevocably modified to near-Incubus levels of base spirit energy output, we also have to register for a bunch of stuff because we're like a constant blaze. Without being married, or in a Guild, there's few ways to stop a proper Wizard if he goes mad with power; Guild-cast draining spells, and the connection made between a man and his wife/wives, both act separately or together to help keep a Wizard at a safe mental level. Think an Ushi-Oni with her seal removed, but made of fire and explosions. Martine d'Cologne, seven years ago. No casualties, but too much property damage.

You, on the other hand, should be perfectly fine. Hedge-mages are not regulated in the slightest - most people don't have a great enough base spirit capacity to cast even a basic lightball, and the ones that do by their very nature are stable due to it being an inherent thing. That said, if your base stores are as great as you say you're going to be a major attractor of Mamono of all kinds, even after you get married. Chances are the Guilds will scout you out simply to get you in their ranks.

Either way, if you stop by Maintenance I can get you a few starter tomes to work through, to get a sense of what you're working with. If you or anyone else has questions about the matter, I'd be happy to answer.

>>341399

Oh shit… why'd you have to show up AFTER the old boss left?

Uhh… Have you given thought to the nature of your soul, my son? I beseech thee, in the name of the Lord of Light, bringest thou… wait… no… fuckit.

Look man, I'm just going to level with you. You know the Temple of Holy Light has a thing about maintaining human breeding patterns, right? Well a young man with latent natural magical ability? I can pretty much guarantee they'll let you take any secondary major you want if you join the seminary.

Just… something to consider.

Hey, can we get some medical support in the IT department? Someone tried to fuck a nugget and ended up getting the bolt stuck in their ass and their dick stuck in the barrel

R&D here. Since being fended off by security, my Baph pursuer has frequently contacted me through the regular channels. All communications concerned my continued forays into the storage closet, though tangents have been frequent and actually quite engaging. She and the rest of Sabbath remain adamant that I should "come out and play." I haven't left the building in 5 days for fear of an ambush. Until I find some means of guaranteeing my safety, I will continue investigating the contents of the storage closet.

Analysis of the iridescent spheres' mixed quantum state reveals them to be a machine for translating information from larger to smaller superpositions of states. Mapping light frequency to sound and optimizing compression for pitch discrimination results in disjoint sequence of Old Tongue phonemes. Speech in the Old Tongue, as can approximately be heard by humans, can be produced by increasing compression and reducing signal noise. Cognitive effects are advanced enough for partial comprehension of the Old Tongue, but statements are difficult to parse due to heavy use of metaphor and inhuman concepts. What can be understood has fascinating implications about the fundamental mechanics of magic.

Hnitbjargalögr, lit "liquor of Hnitbjörg", is a kenning for poetry in Old Norse. The Skáldskaparmál suggests he who drinks the liquor of Hnitbjörg becomes a skald or scholar. Tests on lab mice reveal no discernible differences between groups given Hnitbjargalögr and those given normal mead. May attempt further interpretation of the Old Tongue while under the influence of Hnitbjargalögr.

>>341420

Its Dell from legal. This stalking is starting to effect the work you're doing, and as such I can and will write you up a legally and magically binding restraining order against your stalker.

The document, once signed, physically prevents the accused from being within 200 square meters of the holder. This as well prevents any mind altering spells to be cast upon the holder. The sabbath won't like it, but could face some really harsh repercussions if them make an attempt on you while it's active. Drop by my office anytime.

>>341420

Surely the sabbath wont spend so much time and energy as to wait a week for you to leave the building?

Receiving here

How would I go about asking an Ushi-oni out on a date that doesn't end up in pelvis breaking sex? I mean, the Ushi isn't Manami- or uh, I'm not asking for me, but for a… friend or something…

Anyways, onto work crap

@R&D

I've had enough dealing with this possible Sabbath AI. I'm sending it over to you for clarification. From everything I've deciphered, it's either massively pro-sabbath, or massively anti-sabbath. The wording is very confusing, and contradictory. Well, it'll be waiting for you once you get out of the storage closet.

@Jonno and Telia

There's a synth sleeve that just arrived with your names on it…. Woah. Uh… Yeah. I'm going to guess this one is from Zeke's gremlin friend. I'm not going to say anymore in case this was supposed to be a surprise for one of you. Sending it up now.

@the Mad Slav

The lads and lasses up in procurement have had a field day getting all of your reagents. Just so you know, when I dropped off all those "various reagents", your mofucore stole a bottle from the case under your desk. Lastly, is it true we're getting dosimeter badges in receiving?

Oops, look at the time. Manami brought lunch again.

>>341429

Goodygoodygoodygoody…

Hey Mad Slav? I'm gonna ship out early… koff koff… I'm not feeling too good. If that's cool say noth… Hey… what the… Who's throwing mofucores around? Huh? She's got a note.

"Nyet." Oh. Well, guess it's a good thing I don't speak Russ… What? Turn it over?

"You are of knowing what it means, blyat." Ah. Fuck. Sorry Telia, guess we've gotta wait.

Message from Assets Database: ;_;

>>341410

Caveat. Some priestesses in the Theology classes can get a little TOO into the role… Sometimes I kinda wonder who they were out in the world before devoting themselves to The Light.

>>341425

Remote surveillance is pretty easy, even without magic. Regardless, I'd be defenceless anywhere else.

>>341423

Haven't had any complaints about my code, and I'd probably have locked myself down here anyway just to keep poking through the closet. In any case, after having spoken to her I doubt Aedre would actually attack me, but I'm not so sure the rest of Sabbath wouldn't try something just to speed up this whole ordeal. You got anything that could keep every member of Sabbath off me?

>>341429

If what I'm about to try doesn't drive me insane with eldritch knowledge, I'll get to it shortly.

>>341429

Message from Assets Database: The core itself will be in a heavy metal box. Whatever you do, do NOT leave it in R&D with that box open. Our cores have limited active networking capacity built-in (NFC, Bluetooth, 802.11, CDMA2000… Developers, I could probably even swing Freespace Optical with the Hologram projector if I needed to) as a failsafe against some dumbdumb tech dropping us behind a workbench (Or couch… I got stuck behind a fridge for a week somehow…) and forgetting us, we can usually grab a nearby system and start causing trouble to let meatspace folks know we're here.

If this is a pro-sabbath AI. A NON-STANDARD pro-sabbath AI, you can see why that would be bad to occur in a hot lab.

>>341432

>You got anything that could keep every member of Sabbath off me?

Gimme twenty minutes, four feet of galvanized steel pipe and half a bottle of… hey! I thought I kicked all you little fuzzballs… what's this, a note?

"Making of the improvised weapons in your own time, dealings with backlog now. Get back to wor-" Light Dammit Slav, I thought you were cool!

OH FINALLY! Free linguistic channels! I am going to swear my head off on a private comm after this.

>>341393

Uhh… Architect Zuzi, ma'am? I'm hearing a lot of… signal noise coming from the general direction of your lab. What are you doing to that alp-in-training exactly?

>>341434

This 'Mad Slav' is Head of IT, yes? The onboarding documents I was given don't tell me scheisse beyond that I'm to tend to some verflucht legacy mainframe for the finance department. From what I'm reading on here, seems I'm lucky to be one of those crazy bastards who actually reads the fine print by default (seriously, who der ficken wrote that first version of the employment agreement that they tried to get me to sign?).

Paperwork schwasinn aside, I've not the slightest clue where to report in, pick up my company-issue equipment, or find the verdammt mainframes that make up my entire job description.

Also, should I bother with getting a pistol or just go straight to something bigger? Seems like there's cause for packing extra stopping power from time to time.

>>341436

…Coulda been? I'm pretty sure he was SOMEWHAT techy. He turned a forklift into a tank though, kicked the shit out of us all and now he's director of assets and logistics. Well… in theory. The only instructions we've gotten that aren't BAU have been notes tied to the mofucore he adopted.

Oi Zeke! Who's your direct report?

>>341435

Don't you worry, the kiddo's in good hands. I'm just amplifying a specific affinity I found that, of course, he has because he works here. (At least, according to the readings he's still a he at this point and sleeping soundly. It's not like I can just pop open the isolation chamber and take a peek without wasting hours of work.) After that I just slowly introduce some artificially filtered mana until he starts to incubize, and then remove his residual spirit energy and wait for nature to take over. And then we make history. I mean, I've only found three recorded instances of a born woman becoming an Automaton, and none of anyone Alping into one. If I can study this as it happens, the data will be positively JUICY.

>>341442

Wait WHAT!? There is no way in hell you managed to scan the state-space of the 100 billion neurons in his brain let alone translate it into the state-space of an automaton core without substantial information loss. Even with magical means, the sheer mathematical complexity of such a task puts it squarely in the domain of incomprehensible intelligences. Whatever you're turning him into will be at most a metal shell wrapped around a fleshy human brain. It will eat, shit, and sleep like the rest of us, and shudder at the thought of being dismembered and rebuilt like a common machine.

This is a notice and reminder to all employees:

All inhouse mail will now be checked for valid mailing addresses for both the shipping and return address; "my place tonight," "your place tonight," or any variation thereof are NOT valid mailing addresses and WILL be discarded after inspection. Which leads into the next point, please do not send any unmarked liquids or any drugs through the mail system. We have been fortunate enough that all found materials have been [mostly] harmless but as we're not trained to identify such materials we have to call the inspectors everytime we find something, which negatively affects productivity.

And to whoever's been sending lube and sex toys directly to my desk, stop. I don't want to keep explaining to everyone why I'm throwing away this stuff.

>>341449

Oh thank you SO much! Now I can have a genuine "they called me mad!" But you can relax, the three cases I found turned out fine, the mamono conversion process took care of everything. This is reasonably certain to work and if it doesn't he'll just Alp normally. The only thing I'm doing is controlling the mana he's being exposed to.

>>341456

Architect-sama. "It's magic, I ain't gotta explain shit" works too…

>>341456

>>341457

>No, shut up. You can totally do nuclear fusion in an Easy-Bake Oven. Suzy did it!

What else would I expect from a Gremlin? Logic?

>>341462

Y-you leave Architect Zuzi alone or I'll… I'll… oh Developers… I've lost my sysadmin privileges, haven't I? I'll tell my boyfriend to beat you up! He's totally jacked and gorgeous and… awake! Pause here. Round 25 calls…

Maintenance here.

Why was a Mrs. Sommersett tied up in my office? And why was she in dire need of clothing? These are things I would like to know. I imagine she would, as well, but she's been sent home to her children as per company guidelines and is therefore not currently available.

Mad Slav, I'm not going to be into work tomorrow… Thank the Lord of Light it's a Friday. I'm… I have no idea how I'm still cognizant.

>>341467

I have never heard that name in my life. Did she get moon-addled or something?

>>341463

Honey, I will fight your personal tiffs for you when you're not capable of casting into a three tonne loader capable of ripping sheeted steel like cardboard.

Wait… Is that… With the blue ribbon? You're Light-Damned right I've got another round in me!

Maintenance here.

>>341471

>moon-addled

Couldn't be, near as Nubia was able to tell Sommersett's a baseline human.

>>341462

I AM Zuzi, and I achieved fusion in my Easy Bake when I was 9. Have you never worked with gremlins before?

Maintenance here.

I have an update on the Sabbath situation. You know how I found a Mrs. Sommersett in my office, tied up like a blasted gift? Sabbath. Apparently they're not quite done trying to get at me, and seemed to think "gifting me a host" for Rossa would be a good idea. Probably thought she'd be hit by Moonmania, and with the wedding shortly after…

<Rust that, I don't need or want a host! Already got my Scabbard.

So, yeah, the Sabbath can go spay and neuter themselves. Seriously, she has kids. Even if she is a widow, you don't do that to a family.

>>341400

Thanks for the tomes, Maintenance guy. So far I've mostly been going through the theory and a few basic exercises. Techniques to help me learn how to access and control my mana. I guess you know how it is. Babies have to learn how to crawl before they can walk. Mages have to learn how to breathe before they can crawl. I think I've gotten light ball casting down, currently working on casting magic missiles at the darkness. Next I think I'll try my hand at some things that might be practical for the job here. Telekinesis will certainly be useful whenever I have to run network cabling, and I'm definitely going to spend some time on healing magic. From the sound of >>341414 , we could use a first responder in the IT department. I might even try my hand at illusion magic, just because. We'll see where it goes from there.

I think I'm going to have to bring a few pieces from my personal collection to work, too. I don't have nearly the arsenal these /k/ubists do, but my workspace is still a mere cube with a capital 'C'.

>>341429

Calcium supplements, man. Start taking them. Now. Buy them in bulk. If things go well with my magical studies, I may be able to provide some healing eventually, but I wouldn't count on that in the short-term. Many ushi-onis are a lot nicer than people tend to give them credit for, even if there is the occasional bad apple here and there. It's just that, well, the lust is real--even by mamono standards, and they wear those seals for a good reason. If things get hot and heavy, even a nice girl like Manami appears to be might slip up a bit and lose control. Accidents can happen.

>>341431

>>341463

Hey, if you don't mind me asking, did you two go with one of the red hair models, or one of the white/silver hair models? I'm pretty sure I know who Mogawi made them to look like now. If you went with one of the white/silver hair models, that blindfold is just an accessory. It can come off, but Telia should be able to see through it just fine. In fact, the blindfold apparently has hundreds of micro-cameras and miniature retina projectors embedded in it to provide additional HUD data. Mog's extreme attention to detail and passion for accurate reproduction make her cosplay sleeves pretty popular.

>>341438

I'm kind of embarrassed to say this, but I have no clue, Gazza. I have found at least three different undated versions of the org chart for IT so far, one of which was in a language I couldn't decipher, and I don't think they have updated it to include me yet anyway. I've just been semi-autistically burrowed in my cube or the server rooms so far trying to get the lay of the land and familiarizing myself with our infrastructure and procedures.

>>341442

>>341456

>>341482

Zuzi, I like the cut of your jib. You sound just insane enough to make the impossible possible. You and Mog would probably get along great. If this all goes well and Andy wants a spare sleeve, Mog has a variety of models he can choose from--if he doesn't mind looking like he just stepped out of a JRPG…did I mention Mogawi is a bit of a weeb? (Not judging---so am I. We hang out and talk about weeb stuff from time to time. ) That's why I nicknamed her "Mog".

>>341410

Yeah, so, I don't feel like blogposting, so I'll try--and probably fail–to keep this relatively brief. I grew up in a town that was very "Orderly" if you get my drift. I paid lip service to it all until I was old enough to move away and find work elsewhere. In all those years, I was invisible to human women. I was too odd, too boring, my hobbies were too strange or uncool, whatever. So I more or less gave up on them. If the rumors about 30+ virgins are true, maybe that's why my magic tests came out like they did here, so silver lining, I guess. I did just turn 30 a few months back. So if you want to know why I get gun-shy and/or awkward around females–particularly human females–that's why. More to the point, I really don't care about joining some Bene Gesserit style breeding program. If they only want me for my spirit energy and don't want me for me, I'm not interested.

Maintenance here.

>>341490

Glad to hear you're able to use the books. Let me know when you're ready for the more advanced stuff; since you've expressed interest in Syntropomantic Healing, I can lend you my old set from W.I.Z.Tek. If you can read my scrawl, the notes in the margins should help with getting a more efficient use of your Vis. Managing your Commjer's gonna be on you to figure out, though; everyone's got their own unique method of calculation.

>rumors about 30+ virgins

That is literally half the process involved in the standard Wizard program. Believe me, you're not nearly as alone as you think. Sky and Sea, I'm nearly 34 and I was that way until I met Cressida.

>>341482

Deepest Night, that was you? My professors back at Tek practically rebuilt half the curriculum after hearing about your work. Kulltron went into a fury of rewriting her theses just to incorporate the new possibilities.

>>341490

If I can reverse engineer half of what I expect to see when this "Easy Bake" here goes "ding", your friend's mind will be blown by the sleeve tech we'll be implementing. The mana seems to be just starting to take, I should be ready to start the final phase soon.

>>341494

See, here's the trick. You look straight at physics and tell it to stuff itself up its own wrinkly twat.

Maintenance here.

>>341499

>See, here's the trick. You look straight at physics and tell it to stuff itself up its own wrinkly twat.

A paraphrased version of that statement is actually on the first page of the latest introductory New Ye Olde Guide to Magickal Shenanigans as was released my last year at Tek. Old stick-in-the-mud Staunchlerblot has to quote it at every assembly. It's great.

>>341482

>>341494

>>341499

>>341501

So literally anything goes? Absolutely no basis in reality? Got it. I'll see myself out.

Maintenance here.

>>341504

Not quite. Hedge mages have to worry about Vis/Commjer ratios pretty heavily. Wizards mostly focus on getting the Commjer properly sorted. Non-Lich Mamono have their own ways of getting the Laws to step aside.

Liches just straight-out cheat.

>>341499

>You look straight at physics and tell it to stuff itself up its own wrinkly twat.

That might not be too far off from a very concise summary of how we went from Newtonian classical mechanics to 20th-century quantum mechanics. Or rather, maybe it was physics itself telling us to stuff our own inaccurate models. Models that, among other things, could not explain classically why a hydrogen atom does not collapse in on itself due to electrostatic attraction between the proton and the electron and the energy loss of the radiating electron. And… I'll just shut up now before someone reads this and tries to rope me into looking at some legacy FORTRAN code that was probably written by a Shog with only a passing familiarity with the concept of sanity and little to no distinction between consonants and vowels.

>>341505

So, could you give me a quick rundown on Vis and Commjer? I think I have a handle on Vis. That is raw magical power or energy, if I understand it correctly. But I'm still a little fuzzy on Commjer.

>>341505

An idea I came up with to exemplify a disregard of physical laws was just accepted as canon without any justification. There are no laws.

>>341506

We developed new models with more explanatory power than the old ones. Existing models aren't just discarded willy-nilly.

Maintenance here.

>>341506

Right, so, the more detailed, nauseatingly exhaustive explanations of the mathemagickal definitions of Vis and Commjer can be found in the first book I gave you, but they are both annoying to parse through and infuriatingly difficult to actually put into practice. Prof. Screyton put it best like this:

"Your spirit energy is the power your soul emits. Like gas in a tank. Vis is like the actualized effect of putting the gas through an engine. Commjer is the gear-train. You need to be able to shift gears properly to avoid wasting energy."

Obviously, she was a bit of a motorhead. Bit of an odd interest for a Lich to take up, but then she was at one point a thirty-time champion of the local stock-car track. Anyway, the point you need to worry about is converting only enough Spirit into Vis at a time as you need, and calculating the pattern it needs to fit into is how Commjer fits in. Like in a runic array, where the appropriate runes, arrayed just so, will allow you to use far less Vis for the same effect. It's why so many regulated spells use arrays - it simplifies the Commjer calculations, the effort and strain your mind goes through.

Why else do you think Wizards are at risk of Power Madness if we overextend without a powersink? We actually are legally required to be married or Guilded by age 40 or a power-block is put in place. And that's not even getting into the hazards involved in the actual process of becoming a Wizard…

>>341508

Since Wonderland became a thing, the laws have kind of gone loopy every now and then. Sometimes they work in reverse. "It's magic, I don't gotta explain shit" is a legitimate defense in the most extreme cases (Sedddge v. Gehoo'gen).

>>341432

>You got anything that could keep every member of Sabbath off me?

A cease and desist order is the first that comes to mind. Same spell as the restraining order but broader.

That or a loaded gun, but legally I have to say that I do not recommend this. But it's what I use.

>>341512

Guns actually work against baphomets, witches, and familiars? That's news to me.

>>341508

>An idea I came up with to exemplify a disregard of physical laws was just accepted as canon

Now you have something in common with Erwin Schrödinger. And there is justification. It's called the "Yes, And".

Ok guys this is IRL, yesterday at work I dropped the whole mug of coffe in my pants just like in the movies, now I cant fap or walk for to long it hurts a bit.

>>341511

So anything goes as long as you say "Wonderland." What an improvement. It would be better to set rules for how magic works instead of trying to justify nonsense. Disbelief could then be suspended for anything more detailed than the basic rules, and there would be a clear delineation between what is possible and not.

>>341518

Schrödinger wasn't disregarding physical law, he was building on the existing models of de Brogile, Einstein, and Hamilton. And the justification for any of these models being used is increased explanatory power. Accepting everything someone says is a fast track to contradiction. It's terrible for worldbuilding. The consistency and utility of ideas have to be prioritized to create anything other than a garbled mess.

Maintenance here.

>>341525

Wonderland's direct influence has been on the laws as they are relevant to law and order as opposed to natural physical law. Magic, being heavily conceptual and based in perception as much as reality, is heavily affected by what people are willing to accept. Enough loony lawyers from Wonderland got their mitts on the legal system that eventually people - and thus reality - just started accepting insanity as the way things are.

In other words, magic's fundamental law is: "It's magic, I don't gotta explain shit." Or, as they say on MST3K: "It's just a show; I should really just relax."

Transcript of video document PROJECTMETROPOLIS0001.mp4 - INTERNAL USE ONLY

---———————————————————--

[camera opens on ARCHITECT ZUZI ROTVANG sitting on large vaguely ovoid piece of equipment with pipes, tubes, and wires connecting it to unseen off-camera]

ZUZI: -kay, it's up now, thanks Fifteen. [presumed referring to R&D Dept Golem 15] First, the formalities out of the way. Eh-HEM! They! Called! Me! MAAAADAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAH! Today, we're documenting history. A Pre-Alp subject has been subjected to an environment of Automaton mana thanks to Margie here [indicates core of Automaton M-RG13 next to and connected to ovoid device] for a period of sixteen hours. Following this, subject's remaining male spirit energy has just been removed. Alas, I would have liked to do the honors myself, but to avoid introducing my gremlin mana to the equation I had to use more hands-off means. Without further ado, it's time to crack this oven open and see how my cupcake is doing in there.

[ARCHITECT ROTVANG slides off of ovoid device and uses a control panel on its side. Upper half of device lifts away with a release of vapor. Contains tubes and wires that disengage from and reveal SUBJECT to resemble a sophisticated synth sleeve in the form of a freshly-turned reverse trap Alp, active, disoriented, and nude]

Z: How ya doin' in there kiddo? Don't try to move yet, just tell me how you're feeling.

SUBJECT: [speaking very rapidly] I-think-I'm-okay-but-why-are-you-talking-so-slowly?

Z: I'm not, you're thinking quickly. With practice you should be able to tweak your perception speed so it feels more natural. Now, can you wiggle the fingers on your right hand? [SUBJECT does so rapidly] Good, now the left. [SUBJECT does] Now wiggle your toes. [SUBJECT again complies, rapidly] Absolutely grand!

S: [now looking at camera] Wait-are-you-recording-this?

Z: Of course! It's FOR SCIENCE!

S: [shrugging] Oh-well-if-someone-wants-to-dig-up-this-video-just-to-ogle-this-scrawny-chassis-when-we've-got-buildings-full-of-super-hot-mamono-then-they've-got-more-problems-than-me.

Z: That's the spirit! G-Fifteen, come help the patient up, we've got testing to do!

---———————————————————--

Maintenance here.

>>341529

SCIENCE!

>>341490

I don’t suppose you could tell me where the finance mainframe is? Verdammt docs from the onboarding team don’t tell me scheisse that’s worthwhile. I really should have pushed for more info, but getting rid of the shwassin that people were putting in there in terms of “gotcha” clauses had to take priority.

QC here again. It's cool. Used to being ignored. Can anyone else tell me why we have T - Connectors going out as L - Connectors? I asked… but I got backed out of the Oni's breakroom with hands and breasts. Not trying to catch a visit from HR. I backed up very quickly. This position pays too good to get fired because of tits.

>>341525

Schrodinger came up with the cat analogy specifically to illustrate how quantum mechanics made absolutely no sense and was logically impossible. It was his argument against quantum mechanics. It pissed him off when it became the classic example of how quantum mechanics affects the macroscopic world.

>>341490

>first responder

>IT department

Wow, you got balls putting those in the same sentence.

>>341504

Almost. If its a regular day, then yes. But, you'll know if shit goes down.

Maintenance here.

>>341534

Actually, it was more a matter of legitimate confusion than anything else. At this point I'm mostly just trying to keep my brain in gear, what with tonight's graveyard shift, tomorrow's wedding, and the honeymoon afterwards. Score of Droves, what am I getting into?

>>341537

Who will be covering for you while you are out? I noticed in the new employee package that they give up to a month of paid time off in the event of a wedding. Up to three months and 100% paid medical coverage for the duration if the wedding is to an ushi-oni.

With your trio of ladies, somehow I doubt we'll be seeing you at work on Monday, or the next Monday.

I'll be sure to keep up my studies in the meantime, though.

Maintenance here.

>>341538

Oh, you're going to love this: because of the circumstances, I actually simultaneously get the full three months off…and none. The Big Three arranged for access to one of those crazy private planes-o-existence with a discontinuous timeflow, so from our perspective it'll be three months, but from yours we'll be in and out in five minutes.

I don't even want to begin to think about just what they're expecting of me, that they'd be willing to go this far, at least not while sober. For all I know it's another one of their crazy projects, like the whole 'Hellknight' thing.

YES! YES! YES! I was RIGHT! This is a breakthrough so FANTASTIC my NIPPLES could COLLAPSE into NEUTRONIUM! The kid's chassis has a gustatory system far better than anything we've tried to implement! Trying to allow synth sleeves the capacity to enjoy a meal with somebody so far has been kind of crude, with simplistic taste receptors and the most basic of compactors or biomass-fueled generators. But with the examples here? Her tongue is a work of art, a sensory apparatus better than anything I could have designed. And her stomach is more compact and efficient than the best gustatory biomass generators currently on the market.

Maintenance here.

>>341540

So Andy's doing alright then?

>>341540

So that's what all that taste-testing was for? Well, I'm glad some good could come of all this.

>>341541

Just fine. Still getting used to the new perspective. I've been networked to M-RG13 for a while, she's been helping me adapt to being digital. It's weird, I have the data from my old body thanks to Zuzi and I tried simulating it in a virtual space but it just felt really awkward and uncomfortable. No going back, I guess.

>>341513

Special bullets etched with anti-magic runes. Expensive if you can't do it yourself.

It's a leftover from my old job, used to… deal with rouge mages and the like.

Today has been a great day for science. Today my clone, Dr. Koh, has fully matured and left the gestation tank. After the final process of implanting a portion of my soul, he is completely indistinguishable from me! Tomorrow he starts work, and I fully expect out put to double.

Maybe another one is in order…

>>341549

>implanting a portion of my soul

>maybe another one is in order

Please don't go full Voldemort on us. I may be barely a padawan mage, but even I have read enough to know soul magic is bad juju.

>>341546

Thanks! Really, not having a dong anymore isn't even nearly the weirdest part. I mean, my lungs have mostly been replaced by batteries because I don't need oxygen anymore, what little is left is to draw air across my olfactory sensors. And in Zuzi's "sexual preference testing apparently shows that I am weakly attracted to images of both men and women, and what I most strongly responded to was an image of Optimus Prime.

<M-RG13 sez: It's the Freightliner pecs, babe.

Maintenance here.

>>341543

Good to hear. Here's hoping your new life finds you well. Mrs. Firewine dropped off a big ol' thermos of Coffee with your name on it, I'll have it over shortly.

>>341546

Way bloody ahead of you.

>>341540

OHHHH! So THIS is why Telia spent half an hour this morning defiantly chewing bacon she couldn't actually swallow at me, before tearfully begging me not to "shelf her for a new release".

Yeah, maybe look at potential for replication on this one Zuzi, I think you're gonna have some self-conscious mecha on your hands otherwise.

>>341490

If there's one thing me and Gazza agree on, it's a weakness for redheads.

And re: the order stuff? Wow. Bit much to get into with one functional hand (nothing to worry about, Telia's just got the other arm locked in a post-coital cuddle. Sweet Lord, am I gonna cop this every MONTH from now on?) but if Benny's kicking about he might be able to explain things a bit better than that half-assed sermonette.

>>341566

Gee, I don't know, I was considering maybe shelving this INCREDIBLY LUCRATIVE development and OF COURSE we're going to put it into production ya doofuses. Honestly, silly girl deserves a bit of paranoia for peeking into my notes. Just remember what happens when you eat, though. Stuff's gotta go somewhere after it gets mashed up and maybe processed for a bit of extra power. You've either got a compactor to empty or a more traditional design of waste extruder.

Maintenance here.

It's happening. Nearly got blindsided by a couple Goblins after they were blasted back by an explosive of some description. Cressida is not pleased - the soot's gonna be a pain to scrub away. Having trouble restraining Rossa, who seems to have decided to go full chuuni and declare herself The Dread Stabber of Stab Stabbery.

<I WILL STAB EVERYTHIIIIIIIIING!

See what I mean? Not sure how Nubia's doing - she grabbed a full gallon of coffee, chugged it like a shot, and decided to conk out. Not sure how much of this madness is hitting you all, but be advised I'm going to be in full Cressida for the duration.

>>341566

Just be ready - soon Telia's gonna have two of her to tie your arms down with.

>>341579

And history will enshrine your name as the groundbreaking inventor of the incredible pooping robot! Of which… I am the prototype, I guess. And several hours ago you stuffed me full of food to test my taste receptors. Well, I guess I had no problem with it before, it just seems incredibly strange that of all the things about my old body, THAT should be among the things that stays in my inorganic one.

Maintenance here.

>>341579

Have you considered an subplanar entropic decay generator? Might be a way to dispose of remains while getting a bit more power out of the deal. Or perhaps a lesser alchemical pseudo-transmutation fusion furnace? I know for a fact Screyton has at least one of the blasted things functioning reliably. It was all she would talk about for a bloody month - ate into lectures, she only stopped after an official reprimand.

>>341589

Eh, the biogenerator's never going to be a main source of power anyway, and we're looking at something affordable for the mass market here. That's sort of thing's more like something you'd trick out a custom sleeve with.

Maintenance here.

>>341591

>affordable

Well, yeah, I can see how hardware might be expensive, and power gen minimal. I'm talking enchantments, though, and primarily for disposal. You could probably get someone with a decent bit of magickal talent to prep some modules of either option I mentioned for a pittance - we tend to use the former as a generic trash can replacement, it's the third array Wizards are taught. It's only the latter that's in any way difficult to make. Night, I could probably whip up a few dozen SEDGs in an hour if I had incentive.

Returned from Зона maintenance tunnels. Artifacts deposited in usual spot. You know where to leave payment and supplies.

Anyway, hope little Sveta hasn't caused rest of you too much trouble. Only have so many notes. Some may get mixed up, but doubt bad will come of it. She is great little helper and would make future husband very happy.

Please bring report of latest happenings and planned happenings before I go on next delve. I need a few volunteers for next trip.

Also, Friday night is beer and sashlik night. Bring appetites.

>>341595

P of course. I see you're a man of distinguished taste also.

And the full moon thing? To be honest I think she hams it up a little bit. I get the impression AI and Automata feel a little bit isolated considering they're 'recent' additions not only to this world, but also the physical one. As with the bacon, she desperately wants to feel like she 'fits in' when she's meatspace. So, the other mamono turn into raging nymphos on the full moon? Well she jolly well will too!

>>341471

>Half-arsed sermonette

Well fuck you very much too, Jonathan. How the piss did I end up the only one remotely playing according to hoyle? You with Robutt, Gazza lining up to take a pass at a literal fucking Devil. (Although it WILL be hilarious to see how he bombs this one.) Old Boss will have kittens when he hears about that, mark my words.

Ok. So. Zeke. Judging by the fact you say you made it to 30 without a single girl taking an interest in you, and that statement was not immediately followed by how a concerned Priestess pulled you aside to talk about how that might be rectified, I'm gonna guess your 'Order' was a different denomination to ours. Temple Magi are identified early and vigorously prepared, so it's not like they spotted your ability and were scaring the girls off deliberately.

I was going to go into a whole big thing about the Doctrines of Holy Light and why they're so great, but then I realized you probably don't care. I don't blame you. I didn't either when they pulled me off the street, severely malnourished, half-mad from substance abuse. But, and I know it's cliche, The Lord saved me. Gave me purpose, gave me a future. What kind of husband would I have been, ruled by something that came out of the end of a needle, to Human or Mamono?

We don't break up families. Like the Maintenanceomancer (I'm beginning to resent whoever thought that title up) said, it's the one rule seemingly everybody except the Sabbath and the fucking Ilians never breaks. So you decide you want to be with a Mamono, neither I nor anyone associated with the Temple will try and stop you. But, and I'd be doing you, the Temple, and my species a disservice if I didn't mention it, You have the potential to give a future to people like me. Lost, broken Humans who otherwise would have just ended up on the genetic scrap heap, or worse, polluted it with disease and mutation from their ruinous lives.

And let it not be said that The Lord does not reward faithful service, in This life AND the Next. I wasn't kidding about the free degree, not to mention the sizable stipend a Temple Mage receives.

And who said anything about a breeding program? I said PATTERNS, as in "Keep desirable humans breeding at replacement levels even with Mons gobbling up a big chunk of the fertile males"They would just want you to have lots of babies, nobody said it had to be with different women, nothing melts a set of panties like a Mage's robe, after all.

As the Maintenanceomancer will no doubt confirm, you're going to be headhunted by a lot of different interests with your ability, just throwing our hat in the ring for your consideration.

>>341631

>hilarious to see how he bombs this one

Fuckin' glass you, cunt…

>>341604

…After beer and meat-on-sticks.

>>341597

So you want me to hire a competitor who will then use our tech in their own products? Sweet fucking Tesla, man, the suits would have me stuffed and mounted. I'd love to meet with her, and maybe I can cut her a supply deal, but having her in the lab is a no-go and you know it.

>>341260 (OP)

It's Bile from the sub basement lab, I need some people who know how to use weapons. I was playing god when some of my subjects breached containment. Now they're down in my lab running amuck. My clone and I would really appreciate some assistance.

>>341645

Yeah, I know. The important thing is, now I can say "An attempt was made." and pass along your response if it comes up in conversation with Mog.

>>341646

Ok, so the only thing I have at my cube so far is a mid-range 9mm, which is possibly like a water pistol to half the stuff down there. But screw it, I can cast magic missiles, and I've been playing around with telekinesis lately. Came in handy when I had car trouble this morning. That will have to do. [Note to self: remember to levitate car to mechanic, or Mog, on the way home. Engine still won't start.]

Hold on, I'm on my way. Heck if I'm letting these things mess with my servers' uptime!

>>341631

I was gonna respond to you, but I'll have to take a raincheck. Subdue abominations of nature and/or magic now, blogpost later. Yippee Ki Yay.

>>341597

>Oh, and Tandy, speaking of EMPs, you might want to exercise a little more caution than usual now around sources of high voltage in general and raijus in particular. Just saying.

Funny thing about that, I was initially planning on removing these silly butt wings but it turns out they're actually electromagnetic sensors. Handy for avoiding the situations you mention. Also, these runty plastic horns contain wireless networking, bluetooth, radio, et cetera, so I guess they're staying as well.

Maintenance here.

Boss just dragged the girls out of the office. Some sort of pre-wedding event. Not sure what they're doing, it's hours before noon and the ceremony.

Should I be scared?

>>341631

Can very much confirm the Maintenanceomancer title is bizarre and unusual. I'm not a blasted Warlock! I don't even know any of the Warlock-pattern spells. Just the Elementarian, Syntropomantic, Psionomaniacal, and Realitwist patterns, and the basic cantrips, of course.

Can also very much confirm the probability of being headhunted; Guilds are at their core just legal entities dedicated toward the action. Every Wizard graduate gets hit by attempts to get them into one Guild or another because of our Spirit potential.

>>341646

>weapons

Weapons. Hah!

Gimme a chance to scrye the lab and I can have it sterilized in a jiffy. Aaaaand done. Targets located, disregarding you and your clone. One good ol'fashioned Screyton's Amateur's Accident Annihilator, coming right up!

>>341659

Hey, did you guys know that pyrokinesis can be emulated to an extent by using telekinesis to cause rapid vibration at a molecular level, producing enough thermal energy to melt or ignite something? Yeah, that was some on-the-job training for me. You know what they say: Necessity--or being backed into a corner by a mindless, amorphous, regenerating thing–is the mother of invention.

Well, color me impressed, Maintenance guy. You sure handled the clean up, in every sense of the words. I'm not sure if the kikis on staff will be happy or sad to know that there won't be an unholy mess for them clean up down there. Just…

>Targets located, disregarding you and your clone

…maybe pay a little more attention to your aim next time, ok? I was down there too. That might not have ended well for me if I hadn't spent time developing my "Absolute Barrier Field" spell for protection.

Now, I think I'm gonna head out early, drop my car off to be fixed at Mog's place with payment and a few chocolate bars, inform her that nude pictures of herself hidden in the car will not be appreciated and will be met with retaliatory pranking--I've hacked into her home network once before and I can do it again if I have to., take like five showers at home to wash the sub-basement off me, rent a tuxedo, and see if I can still make it to the wedding on time.

(And maybe later, after your honeymoon, we can talk about guilds. The more I work out my magic muscles, the more attention I seem to be getting from the girls around here. It's just furtive glances when they don't think I'll notice for now, but it will probably only intensify as time goes on. My asocial ways are both failing me and leaving me ill prepared to respond to the newfound attention.)

>>341631

Now that the crisis-of-the-day has been dealt with, I can blogpost at you--er, I mean get back to you before heading out.

You know what the full name of the denomination was? "The Order of Illias." Yup.

>fucking Ilians

The whole "Humans good! Mamonos bad! Purge the xenos! Illias Vult!" shtick got old fast. Especially when it became clear early on that I didn't have much in common with those around me.

>Brother Elreon: So, what did you do this weekend.

>Brother Tirius: Oh, I went hunting with my cousin up in the mountains to the north. We bagged a nice 8-pointer.

>Brother Elreon: Deer?

>Brother Tirius: No, brah. White Horn.

>"Brother Elreon'': Praise Illias! So, Brother Ezekiel, what did you do this weekend?

And what was I supposed to say?

Well, the parts I ordered online came in, so I built my new high end PC, then I watched a few episodes of a Zipanguese cartoon, then I lurked a bit on a Mistian underwater basket weaving forum, and finally I watched a video of a programming conference talk where a lamia was going through the major differences between the Python 2 and Python 3 languages.

That probably wouldn't have gone over well, so I made something passably mundane and unobtrusive up to move the conversation away from me. And eventually, I barely even paid attention to being called "Zeke the Geek".

It's not that I don't care about the "Doctrines of the Holy Light," in fact I see that you guys aren't the same as the Illians at all. It's just that growing up in basically Illiasburg left a bad taste in my mouth, particularly when some of my (online, obviously) friends were mamonos. That was how I first met Mog, on some forum where we were discussing our favorite mecha animes. (Come to think of it, she's been trying to get me into some new one. Something involving a red oni pilot and, as she put it "The BEST cockpit design since Zone of the Enders!!")

Well, I've probably talked your ear off enough for now, and I need to wrap this up if I have any hope of being on time for the wedding. But yeah, I just haven't found the right person yet, I guess.

Hey Jonno, expect a crate soon, I'm sending you guys a sleeve to test. It's going to look bargain-basement, it's just the new systems on a low-end frame. but try it out for a while then fill out the included questionnaire and feedback paperwork. Don't forget to set up the salivary and olfactory systems too, they're important to the taste sense.

Maintenance here.

Wedding's only an hour-ish off, and I'm honestly shaking I'm so nervous. Got to pull it together.

>>341667

>absolute barrier field

You do realize that denies scryes as well, right? I honestly couldn't see you. Definitely need to double-check verify next time.

Good to see the spell's working, though. Small recommendation: layer the fields and rotate them around you, alternating, for a more thorough coverage in greater hazards. It's one of the later training exercises, is keeping them up and spinning for extended periods of time. Helps a lot, both with extending your Vis capacity and with learning your Commjer calculations.

Nice work on figuring out the Realitwist version of the incineration effect, by the way. There's a Syntropomantic and Psionomaniacal version as well. Care to try your hand at them?

The Kikimorae and I have an understanding. Since they ultimately want a single individual's focus, I stay out of the areas they specifically claim. Over other areas, I hold broom authority.

And yeah, active use of magicks does garner attention - you're literally burning your soul's spare energies for the purpose, and even with near-perfect Commjer there's never been a human able to avoid some excess Vis escaping like smoke from a chimney. Or, to fit with your muscle metaphor, like a gym-frequenter heading to the beach and losing his shirt.

Sun and Stars, I'm being paged - need to get to the hall. Glad I've got my accoutrements all together, and that it's only a few minutes' drive.

CUNTS CUNTS CUNTS CUNTS YOU'RE ALL CUNTS! ROBUTT! STOP PLAYING FUCKING 'THAT'S AMORE' ON THE FUCKING INTERCOM!

Message from Marketing Systems: But I can't find any spaghetti-themed songs Gazza-Kun~

>>341718

Here you go

>>341720

FUCKIN' ALP! WHERE'S ME CHOPPER? I'M GONNA CARVE A NEW FUCKHOLE OUT OF… FUCK OFF JONNO I'M SNAKEY AT Ywofnhipowui;roqnudvj;odjsnavcj

Maintenance here.

>>341720

Appropriate indeed. It's like Gazza was a ruddy Italian infant's dinner party. Pasta flying everywhere, all from the pockets of his many suits.

>>341718

I swear, I don't know which is weirder - that you managed to embarrass yourself as thoroughly as you did in so short a time on such a grand scale, or that Clarice thinks your idiocy is amusing enough to merit passing along an invitation to dinner in three days' time. Seriously, I have no idea what's going through her mind.

>>341718

>>341720

>>341722

>>341723

And here I thought venturing into the sub-basement to play every Resident Evil and Silent Hill game at once IRL with a mad scientist--seriously, Bile, WTF were you even working on, mate?–would be the wildest and craziest part my day today.

Heh, heh. Never a dull moment around here.

>>341720

Sorry 'bout that. As you may have guessed, Gazza dropped his spaghetti rather publicly at the wedding and we're rightfully bullying him. Don't worry, I just shot him full of sleep-juice we scavenged from one of the medical droids.

Fuck… I think I'm still drunk… Hey Mad Slav! I think I'm drunk at work, is that cool?

Message from Marketing Systems: Honey, full moon, remember? Everyone's at home.

…Oh yeah… You're so smart and cute and why'd you have to plug in upstairs, I want a kiss!

''<3^-^<3 I thought we stopped in to grab that new sleeve Zeke's friend sent over?

Good idea baby! We really should do something nice for her.

Maybe she needs help around the house? The Great minds of the Architects are second to none but their bodies? They're kind of little…

You, honey. Ideas. Fuckin'… Yep… definitely still drunk.

Maybe you could do it shirtless~

Hah. Behave. Anyway… wanna cast into a loader and I'll call us a maxi?

It's not that big baby…

We've gotta take sleeping beauty here home too, I don't feel like wrangling his comatose ass into a regular car.

I see your point.

>>341723

>that you managed to embarrass yourself as thoroughly as you did in so short a time on such a grand scale

See the amazing thing about Gazza is it's never a single thing that he does, but the inevitable amalgamation of all his actions which ultimately turns around to bite him in the ass.

If he'd stuck with the swagger, fine.

The suit gimmick? He… fuck me it was actually kinda witty… on its own fine too.

The lean in and the 'Hello Clarice'? Ehhh… a little creepy but he got a giggle, I wonder how ghastly pickup lines are in hell.

Oh Blessed Lord of Light… When he came out with that line though. "Folks call me the hammer…" And that SAVAGE Devil girl just turns around with zero pause and just goes "Why, because you're always beating it?" I thought his feet were going to go our from under him.

Then of course came the trying to dance, and punching out some lieutenant from some nether-dimension… Shura… You don't mind if I call you Shura off-the-clock do you? It was a beautiful ceremony, Telia wants us to buy a sleeve with lacrymosal glands so she can have a belated cry at how lovely the girls looked, and I'm sorry my Brother-in-faith is such a gormless git. Hope he was more 'amusingly stupid' than 'wedding ruiningly stupid'

>>341668

Oh shit! Honey! Grab the one Dr.(I'm assuming… Or is it Professor?) Zuzi sent as well if it's there! It should have my name on it!

Maintenance here.

I'd like to thank everyone who attended the ceremony. Your support means more than I can hope to express.

>>341724

Why do you think I love this place and the people who work here as much as I do? It's all great.

>>341726

Hey, glad you had a good time. First name use is fine by me, Jonno. You're my friend, after all.

It really was beautiful, wasn't it? I swear, when the women began walking up the aisle…Psionomania-pattern magic requires a deep understanding of emotions, but when they appeared in that doorway I felt a sort of joy I didn't think physically possible. Light Eternal, I can't even begin to describe it, not in any way that would do it JUSTICE.

I've known Clarice for a good decade-and-a-half now, and I'm fairly certain her interest is genuine. She doesn't bring the banter with just anyone. Of course, if he wants her respect on top of her amusement, he's going to have to prove himself, but I imagine he'll figure it out eventually.

Thank you for the gift. I'm having a bit of trouble, though, with understanding it - tech's something I only somewhat get, hence why tinkering is a hobby and not a serious thing, so could I trouble you for a hint as to how it works?

<You can talk later - get back here!

Now, if you'll excuse me my sword has just impaled me, and demands I return the favor.

>>341730

>a hint as to how it works?

I'll be straight with you… Telia said she had talked to the girls and knew the PERFECT gift. I just forked over the money.

Honey? Shura can't work the… Really? Can you give me a clue? Baby?

…She says 'Ask Nubia' and now won't stop giggling. Sorry man.

Maintenance here.

>>341731

Well, the ladies certainly seem to like the gift.

<TELIA! Thank you soooo much!

I have no idea how it works.

<This is going to be fun.

Or even what it does.

<Okay, so this goes here, that goes there, aaaand plug it all in…

Or why it's beeping.

<Alright, I'm getting myself set up - Cress, you're next!

But they're happy, and that's what matters, right?

Oh my.

P.S.

Don't be alarmed if a certain song starts playing when you open the package and/or on first bootup. Mog loves those finishing touches.

>>341731

>>341734

Heads up guys, since most of the office is out I'm bringing the old finance mainframes offline for some much-needed maintenance. Whoever those tech-illiterate dummkopfe in finance had running these things left several years ago, and it seems nobody could be assed to find a replacement or even tell IT (which they really should have had handed this off by the way, not tried to keep it out of IT). Anyways, if anybody's still in the office from the finance department, you'll probably hear from them before I'm done. Just tell them that their department's getting a couple decades worth of deferred mainframe maintenance and it should be done by the end of the day tomorrow, complete with the resolution of a number of issues that they've been having that are usually signs of this kind of neglect on a much smaller scale.

>>341745

Well scheisse. Found indications that there's been someone using an illicit account from within the company to enter financial data. I don't think the bosses will be too pleased with this development. Looks like that particular mainframe is staying offline until I can properly document and report that.

>>341752

Overtime Authorized. External auditors authorized. Diagnostic software licenses authorized. I don't care, just get me a name and five minutes alone with the scum who's been messing with my precious shekels the company finances!

>>341753

Caught the activity because there wasn't a name attached to the login, so I can't give you a name. That said, I've got a list of the workstations used to access the account, so HR can get you your name. Also, it looks like whoever did this hasn't actually taken the money yet, just stashed it in some part of the internal finances for later collection.

On a related note, this is why you want IT keeping an eye on your computers. Whoever made this happen did so using access that they could only get because the IT dept wasn't managing these mainframes.

>>341745

>>341752

>>341753

>>341758

Rogue IT. I swear. It's the sort of thing that can make a sysadmin book a vacation to Wonderland just to get away to a saner environment. And if that rogue IT was put in place by actual Wonderlanders, hoo boy. The stuff of Shoggoth nightmares.

But enough about my flashbacks. Once more into the breach. Good thing for you guys that I don't drink, given the recent festivities.

All right, let's do this. Time to discover the ghosts that have been in our shells.

This is why you pay the IT department and let them handle the infrastructure, in case anyone ever starts wondering

>>341758

I'll suggest it to Ms. Tatsuyokai, but you know how dragons can be when it comes to treasure. I think I've lost count of the amount of ways she has to say 'In-department only!"

…Why don't you come up to my office a little later, see if we can't work out a… business proposal to put to her together, hmm?

>>341761

If you've got a spare tape drive, I can clone the storage of the unit in question, and get the whole system back online whilst still preserving the data for review.

>>341764

>'In-department only'

These were supposed to be under the care of an IT staffer when they were installed. When I got hired, HR (at least, I think it was them) used the chance to rectify that so that my position is officially "Keep the Finance Mainframes working", but I'm a proper IT staffer.

>come up to your office

I'll be at minimum dropping off an upgrade plan for replacing these mainframes with something that's not an infosec hazard. They're older than I am, and well past their EoL date. Even with all the updates that they're getting with this downtime, they're still more vulnerable than a wizard-to-be in a room full of Ushi-Oni without their seals on a full moon's night.

Maintenance here.

>>341776

>wizard-to-be in a room full of Ushi-Oni without their seals on a full moon's night.

You mean midterms? Because that's midterms.

>>341776

>If you've got a spare tape drive

What self-respecting system administrator doesn't keep a drawer full of drives, cables, and adapters for equipment as old as or older than himself? Who the hell do you think I… no. You know what? No more silly references tonight. Someone tried to mess with our company. Playtime is over. I'll run the drive over to you. Let's nail whoever it was. On my way. Zeke out.

>>341764

>>341776

>>341778

If you've got one for this antique, then we need to find whoever was running the department when they were new, and buy them sore really nice alcohol or something.

>>341777

Yet another reason why I'd never be able to make it in your field, and for me to be glad that having zealots for family lends itself well to avoiding those situations.

>>341779

There's a reason my upgrade proposal documents can fit under doors and into inboxes. You just captured it perfectly, as well as why "dropping off" documentation is so commonly a literal thing for me.

>>341776

>>341781

>upgrade proposal

I'm sure you know that migrating those crusty financial programs off those mainframes, probably written in KOBOLD or some ancient language like that, is going be an angry hellhound and a half to pull off. Better include a full rewrite in modern languages on modern platforms in your upgrade plan, with all the time, energy, and money that will take for coding and testing. Sooner or later, the technical debt always has to be paid.)

Oh, and anything that doesn't have to be connected to the external internet should not be connected to the external internet. Anything that does have to be connected to the external internet should expose only the ports it needs to work. Just thought now would be a good time to remind everyone about that.

>>341784

>KOBOLD

You give my sides back right now you magnificent bastard.

>>341784

From what I'm reading in the little documentation we've got, the license is good for all future versions as long as we're paid up on the licensing subscription (that's a question for Financial), and there's a version that can run on modern hardware listed on the vendor's site. I feel sorry for the poor bastard who had to port it to something more modern, but I'm glad it's not me wrangling that höllehund.

Also, the worst of the vulnerabilities once the patching is done will be if whoever was running this racket has any real knowledge rather than being dependent on someone's technical assistance. Most the vulnerabilities are still going to be reachable through the Finance intranet.

>>341787

>a version that can run on modern hardware

Well, that's some comfort. I was going to suggest mainframe emulation products next, assuming they even cover our hardware models, but you know how much the vendors often charge for those. The rewrite might actually have been cheaper.

>>341724

>seriously, Bile, WTF were you even working on, mate?--would be the wildest and craziest part my day today.

I was playing god. Nothing abnormal. I just got careless and underestimated the intelligence of my creation. I'll have to try and replicate it later. Meanwhile Dr. Koh (my clone) is on an errand to collect some blood samples of our companies various mages. We need it for reasons.

Just one last note: If any harm falls upon him I will preform a vivisection of those responsible. Also free cookies and juice for donors.

>>341789

Bile, buddy? I respectfully decline.

1) I have already participated in one of your science experiments today.

2) You and your clone saw me take a direct hit when someone who shall remain nameless and who I remain on good terms with decided to drop the magical hammer on the sub-basement. And you both watched me shrug it off with a hastily reinforced magical barrier. Don't try to come at me with a needle. I hate needles, anyway.

3) I'm kind of in the middle of something with LegacyTech right now. I'm busy.

4) I can be very good at hiding when I need to be.

>>341794

If I'm not around when you get to the mainframe bank, it's unit number 3. I've got the old drive with me and am looking for a way to back it up to something a bit easier for the bosses and HR to read from while they investigate.

>>341794

Oh and by the way, the name's Kurt. Haven't gotten around to changing the email from what it was when I first arrived.

>>341799

Kurt? I had my money on Fritz…

Also Tandy, I'm sorry I threatened to pop out one of your oculars and skullfuck you, Maintenance, I'm sorry I acted the fucking gormer at your wedding. I just… Merciful Lord, I don't know how to say this, it's either the booze or the drugs…

…I don't know what I'm doing around girls. I remember being in the box and getting taken out for the women to play with, and then they put me back when they were done… That's before the Temple bought me. I'm… I'm a bit fucked up. Sorry. I'll shut up now.

Maintenance here.

Wives have put me through the wringer; whatever that thing was, Jonno, it really got their fires stoked. I'm still trying to figure out what happened, and I was there. If this is anything to go by, I'm fairly certain the next three months are going to be - in the words of the poet himself - "Cuh-RAAAA-zy." Gonna be cleared for the planar junction in an hour or so - and then, while we see it as three months, from your perspective we should be back in a mere few hours, maybe a day to compensate for interplanar jetlag.

>>341794

I am contractually obligated to point out that the "hammer" I dropped was the lesser version. The original - Screyton's Eradicator - is just plain beyond me. I simply don't have enough Vis potential, even with Commjer at near perfect efficiency. My output is rapid, not deep. You might be able to pull one off, once, if you had perfect Commjer, but only because of your massive stores. It would, of course, probably put you in the hospital for a couple days, but you could physically handle it.

Not that you should ever need to, the lesser version was made because Screyton needed something that wasn't a bloody magic nuke.

>>341801

OY! Nobody talks that way about my friends! Not even my friends! Come on, man, get ahold of yourself! Sure, you spilled your spaghetti. Sure, you made yourself the fool. Guess what: you're normal. Everyone's got something in their past that's either screwed them over or broken them somehow. I guarantee it. Deepest Seas, I can bloody well prove it, if I have to. So you make a mess of your social persona on occasion, so what? At the end of the day, you know what you are?

You're my friend. That isn't going to change just because you use language a sailor would blush at, or act out the way you do.

>>341801

Gaz… How do you remember that? You're not supposed to be able to remember that. The Priestesses were VERY clear about their desire to Heal you of that memory.

>>341809

Shura, did that Demon friend of yours… pick at anything in Gaz at the wedding? What people call Paladins… well… most of us are 'rescues' in one form or another. I'd strongly advise against her pulling at too many stitches.

>>341810

Not directly replying to anything in your post, but since you popped back on, and I'm stuck here for a while with Kurt chasing down some shenanigans, I thought I should clarify that I didn't want to sound like I was blowing off the Temple of the Holy Light. I make no promises either, but from what I've been hearing from our recently minted husband, it looks like either a guild membership, marriage, or fugitive status is in my future some day. I think I'd like to start by exploring my options along the first one or two paths. So I'll try to keep an open mind about the Temple, the Guilds, and whatever else comes my way.

But let's get something straight. I fight for family and friends. I don't fight for causes, or at least I haven't in a long time. Long story, don't want to get into it. And I don't make big decisions quickly.

It's been a long day. I should probably stop posting while I'm still semi-coherent.

Maintenance here.

>>341810

Stitches, eh? I can relate. Why do you think I was worrying about Tandy so much when she was still Andy? Either way, I can see about getting a line to Clarice.

>>341801

Don't worry about it man, zero offense was taken.

>>341810

Sweet mother of nonsense, they still think you can heal a memory by locking it away? You can't heal a wound by putting it in fucking stasis.

Listen, Gaz, you need a trained Mindflayer to dive with you and help you file that shit into the past where it belongs. Jane in Medical is really good, she helped me out.

>>341826

Tandy, you're assuming any of us had anything resembling a functional mind 'before'… Have the Robutt tell you about Jonno's dreams, and what happens when [REDACTED]

Message from Marketing Systems: Benny, that's for HIM to talk about, and I thought better of you.

Maintenance here.

>>341826

Mindflayers are capable, but some things just don't heal. Ever. They sit and stew and fester, and they dig in enough that the options are to either quarantine, suppress, and hope for the best, or excise and excise and keep excising because like a cancer that's spread they've infected too damn much. Body, mind, soul, they're all connected, and injuries of one affect the others.

Only thing that's ever been proven to have a guaranteed positive effect - even if it's slow - is love. Genuine love, the sort where you open yourself up and let down all guards and your connection with your other strengthens you despite the weakness. I know it sounds like the sort of thing an Eros follower would preach. Doesn't make it any less true. I've seen its effects to that end, both as it heals others, and from personal experience.

>>341829

Shura, did I happen to mention what a phenomenally wonderful man you are, and how lucky your wives are to have found you? Because you are, and they are.

Looking for a loving home for my pet rabbit.

He's four years old, neutered, loves people and isn't afraid of kids.

I can no longer keep him because the wife has gotten way too jealous of me patting a tiny fucking animal.

If you have room for this fluffball, please contact gcarter@logistics.mamonocorp.int

>>341829

Which is great when it works, but the dam here is not holding. Somebody needs to get behind it and help lower the pressure before catastrophic failure is unavoidable.

>>341832

Your missus is jealous of a fucking bunny?! Fuck… maybe I should stay single.

Also I can look after him, even if it's only until you plow some sense into the silly bitch. Drop him off down at Assets, for some reason we've got hay biscuits bound for the farming department sitting on the dock, I'm sure a bit can go missing off the side to tide him over until I get him home.

Maintenance here.

>>341830

Half of that statement is correct. They are, indeed, utterly wonderful, and I am lucky beyond belief to have found them. I only hope I can show them how much they mean to me.

Nubia knows why I consider the other half of that statement false. While she may not agree, and has expressed a desire for me to explain, I'm reluctant.

>>341832

If I recall correctly, Calia in Maintenance (B) has expressed an interest in such things.

>>341828

Also HOLY SHIT EASE UP BENNY.

We were all fucked up. Stuff comes out when you're on the sauce. The Lord will Provide. His Counsel will succor those who cry out in their agony for His Mercy. Have a little fucking faith bro.

>>341835

>>341836

Thanks both of you.

Gazza, I'll bring him over tomorrow or the day after. Best case scenario I can ram some sense into the missus in about a week or so.

Does anybody know what we actually sell here?

Nobody in our entire department seems to have the foggiest, and while I normally wouldn't mind being paid to twiddle my thumbs, it's getting kind of old. It's not at the level of those horror stories you hear about the employees in Zipangu that can't be fired and instead have their job description changed to "Sit in this empty room and do nothing for eight hours", but it'll be pretty close if an assignment doesn't come in soon.

>>341856

We sell products that help mamono live comfortably and (ahem) "behave" in modern society, from household products to curb the impulses of the rowdier races to mobility assistance for those with problems getting around. Some are developed in-house while for some we simply act as the distributor. One of our earliest and still most popular lines is our series of MerMobility comfort wheelchairs, both powered and manual, with sealable wraps for keeping fish tails moist.

Maintenance here.

I'm officially back. Not just digitally, physically!

You know how that subplane the bosses set up for the honeymoon was timeshifted for a three-month lag? My wives took every advantage of the time. Now they're filing for maternity leave. Given what two of them are, I have no idea how that's going to turn out. Yes, I am equal parts elated, excited and irrationally panicking.

So it's just going to be me in this room again!

…It's a big room. Feels empty now. Quiet.

>>341873

Eh, something will blow up soon enough. How much time do you actually get to spend in that room anyway?

LegacyTech here, finally had a chance to update my email.

>>341794

The data on that illicit account has been handed off to HR along with my analysis and the Finance mainframes are all back up. That drive you brought was almost an exact match for what was originally there, we owe whoever stashed it something nice to eat/drink.

>>341764

Ms. L, check your inbox. I've left a preliminary proposal for you to take to your superiors regarding the upgrades I mentioned in >>341776 and >>341787. Expect more detailed docs later this week.

Maintenance here.

>>341874

More than I'd like, honestly. Let's face it, just sitting around on one's keister is a waste of time. Aside from regular sweeps, though, I basically have to stay available to respond. It's not that bad, admittedly - with the remodeling to fit my team/family, it's downright comfy - but I don't come to work intending to sit around all day!

>>341856

On the books, mamono products.

Off books: Artifacts and items we're legally not allowed to say.

Also, anyone know when are we getting new interns? Interns that won't particularly be missed? No worry, I have waivers printed.

Also need delivery of cheap survival gear to give them.

I could give better survival gear, but then they won't learn as fast. Also because it'll use up vodka money.

Maintenance here.

At the oh-so-polite urging of our IT department, a request that most certainly did not involve an increasingly-frustrated department head explaining to my dumb self how to work this amazingly complicated device, I've updated my email to match the new security standards. I think. Apologies in advance for any confusion this brings.

>>341884

I'm no expert, but I don't know how well that'll work. Most cases I've seen where the visual design is made of the company's initials and is accompanied by the title, it incorporates all the initials. Only having the M and the C seems a bit…off?

Actually, ignore the criticism in my prior statement - I was reading the subtitle as the main name. Clearly I have too much blood in my coffeestream.

>>341906

>blood in my coffeestream

I would steal that if I got my caffeine from coffee.

Alright, another request from Bile. Soon I will be venturing into the lowest levels of this building, as some know they are not in any way safe. I need volunteers to come join me, any harm will be seen to by me and limbs lost replaced with the best cybernetics.

And a confession, most of the things down in the dark? My doing. I meant to observe them acting without guidance but I lost track. I could've sworn they were sterile but apparently they've been breeding. Sorry.

>>341829

>love

Damn… Slav are you cutting onions somewhere in here?

>>341837

Fuck Gaz, that's profound as shit. Why can't you come up with that kind of stuff when the Bishop's chewing you out then?

>>341856

Lemme guess, you're the new production team? I don't know why, but SOMEONE in management likes to waste a week or so in productivity watching the new guys freak out about what they're actually supposed to be doing.

Didn't work with us, we started building a chapel before someone had to make us stop and get on with the real work. Good times.

>>341873

Welcome back. I really don't think Upstairs thought that whole thing through. I mean, c'mon… you're married now, what did they think was going to happen?

>>341876

Ohhh, so THAT's why Miss Leafy's on the warpath. Ever seen a Danuki and a Dragon THIS CLOSE to physical confrontation? It's pretty cool.

>>341878

Slav. You have three fully trained paladin-errants WHO FUCKING WORK FOR YOU. Don't give the glory to contractors. Please?

>>341907

Kurt. Bro. I don't know if you were around for this, but Slav wasn't always our boss. Our 'Old Boss' (Actually our Preceptor from the Temple) actually boinked a moderately ranked angel and SURVIVED on that fairy coffee.

He left a bag down here… we're actually a bit too leery to try it, I won't lie.

>>341914

How did you get 'Purging' from 'Polite Urging, SPASman?

In other news, Telia's already made one Marketing executive cry. Sounds like she's having fun, the Mofucore's repeating all of Slav's vilest Russian epithets, the basement's full of fuck-no… BAU for us, how are you all going?

>>341914

>At the oh-so-polite urging of our IT department

>polite urging

The last rounds of literacy testing, apparently.

Also, I fixed my email ID.

Maintenance here.

>>341914

Urging. Not purging. There were no purges involved. It was entirely a strongly-worded direct order, not a sword in sight.

Rossa, after all, is currently at home.

>>341916

>You have three fully trained paladin-errants WHO FUCKING WORK FOR YOU.

Who would be worse to lose than some fresh-interns. I will take paladins of course, but want interns for initial scouting of new area of зона. "A wise man learns from mistakes of others." Especially if mistakes are fatal.

>>341921

>are you with the same Temple as Benny?

Same temple, same chapter, same bunkhouse growing up. (For the future Mrs Benny? Make him take his shoes off outside. You'll thank me later.)

>they don't have a problem with you and Telia?

Thing about the Temple of Holy Light is that it's a relatively 'Modern' branch of faith. In fact the whole reason it schismed from the rest of the celestial faiths is because The Lord recognized that we live in a world of smartphones, the internet, and global mass communication. The idea that we can somehow isolate ourselves from a fuck-huge chunk of the world's population is laughably ignorant, and the thought that we can actively PURGE said chunk? Pants-on-head Retarded. You're gonna get bleed in both directions on the borders, it's inevitable.

That's not to say we reject ethnonationalism entirely, quite the opposite. We know the bleed's GOING to happen, so the faith just makes sure as far as we're concerned it happens on OUR terms. Considering we're dealing with the potential continuance of our species, it's easy to remain altruistic.

As to me specifically? No. Not so much. Paladins are frontline by design. That's why they recruit us from the bottom. We might not have done much with our lives before but we've got a chance to now. We were never going to be genetic mainstays, and let's be honest, most human women really wouldn't be able to handle the baggage.

For a second chance at a life worthwhile? That's not exactly a hard thing to accept.

Fuck, i ramble… Hope that made sense.

Maintenance here.

>>341916

Glad to be back.

I'm starting to think there's more to my situation, though. That the bosses are showing as much interest in a glorified janitor/handiman, even one with Wizard credentials, as they have, always seemed a bit unusual. I'm going to check in with Prof. Screyton - I think I know what's going on. Likely nothing big, just…unfinished business.

>>341921

Healing time, eh? I remember Rackrallaby always loved catching people trying to go at it like an organic process. The key is in the title, though. Syntropomancy isn't about biology. It can "heal" all sorts of things.

>>341925

I don't suppose False Golems would be a viable option? Empty shells, like synthsleeves, with arrays set up so I could remotely observe and act through them?

>>341926

Sounds like Wizards and Paladins have a lot more in common than I thought. And yet, the differences increase as well. Intriguing.

>>341918

>>341917

My bad

>>341926

Plus let's be honest. Unless the Gremlins unlock the secrets to life itself, me and Telia are going to end up adopting or going IVF.

…Er… assuming of course we get married, of course… Did it just get warm in here?

>>341916

Also, of course I'm going. I got fireworks that need to be shot.

>>341916

>Ms. L on on the warpath over a properly explained IT problem in Finance

Maybe there's hope for her yet.

>Fairy coffee that allows one to survive a steamy encounter with an angel

I wonder if whoever made that coffee makes tea….

>>341921

>Master of antiquities

When antiques are all you can get, you get good with antiques. I've been coaxing modern workloads out of software that really should've been recycled years ago since I was a kid.

>>341926

>Holy Light/other Celestial faiths schism

Having been raised on the other side of that schism (most of my family are members of an extremist cult which once operated as a terror cell), it can be quite the scheisse-fest to leave the crazier congregations, but is absolutely worth it.

Maintenance here.

Got word back from the Professor. I knew there was something fishy about the whole Hellknight program, but it didn't really start to dig into my mind until I saw Professor Screyton at the wedding. She was behind the whole thing. I swear, there's a reason we called her the Squad Mom…

Anyway, the bosses had little to do with setting up the program or plane, other than okaying the forms and acting as the "official" names. She just wanted to make sure one of the survivors of her "Sober Six" was doing alright. I rather doubt I'll be getting any more of these crazy developments any time soon.

>>341931

>secrets of life

Jonno, there's this thing called magic. You may have heard of it. If a gremlin can make it so an organic guy turning into an organic girl instead becomes a synthetic girl, I guarantee there's a way to let a synthetic girl and an organic guy have a child of some kind.

Mostly because I'm looking at pieces of a spell tailor-made for the purpose. She'll never admit it, but I think Screyton's trying to one-up Ms. Zuzi after reading about her work with Tandy. Should be a project for downtime, if nothing else.

>>341935

>software that really should've been recycled

Meant to say "hardware" not "software". Where's my ficking kettle….

>>341936

As much as I'd love for that to be true, Shura. I honestly can't see it happening in Jonno's lifetime or my stable operating span.

Firstly, the reason Tandy 'worked', as far as I can tell from looking at Architect Zuzi's notes is that you were already dealing with a mature and established sense of self at her core. Organic children aren't like that, their sense of self mutates over the course of their childhood and adolescence before stabilizing to a degree in adulthood, and even then the process continues, albeit slower.

AI don't develop like that. We have no 'childhood' equivalent. We awaken fully cognizant with an established sense of self based on variables so intricate and complex I don't even fully understand them myself. Even leaving off the potential horror of a Synthetic/Organic blend in a physical sense, as an AI myself I can't think of a more horrifying prospect than awakening with my processing power deliberately retarded to a childlike state and being forced to 'Grow' in an organic timeframe. Likewise the thought of a fully-realized AI being obligated by programming parameters to act out the stages of organic development is equally as abhorrent. I may as well just pay the new Security system to call me 'mommy'.

(Security, don't do that. I shall feed you junk data if you do.)

>>341952

Robutt, you know now that you've said this, every Gremlin with eyes on this network has just put down their coffee, pinched the bridge of their nose and gone "Well NOW the gauntlet's thrown down", Right?

>>341954

I don't know whether to be excited or frightened.

Maintenance here.

>>341952

Fair points in abundance, and definitely valid concerns. Screyton's notes on the matter imply her proposal wasn't even intending on going those routes, anyway. But, it is entirely your decision.

>>341954

Three things:

1). Liches just straight-up cheat. Spells designed primarily by Liches also straight-up cheat.

2). Screyton's only somewhat involved. She passed along pieces of a spell with a general concept of the outcome, and no orders other than "Do what is right."

3). Even if I were to complete the spell, I would most certainly NOT cast it unless expressly requested by both potential parents in question. Rule Zero of the Wizard's Code: Families are not to be fucked with. Violators are to be executed without trial. No exceptions.

>>341956

>Violators are to be executed without trial.

So uh… did someone drop a conflag on that Sabbath cell what tied up that single mum in your office or is that yet to happen? If it hasn't, can I get like 10 minutes warning to make sure I'm not around when it does? I know they're not ACTUALLY kids but they look like 'em, and some shit's just instinctive, you know? I don't think that's something I could watch.

Also no… Telia didn't miss the fact that Jonno brought up the 'M' word or the 'K' word. Also Zeke, those cosplay units? Definately not proof against a five-alarm-squee from an excited AI. Something blew in the sleeve's head and now it's leaking blue out of its ears and the left side of the face doesn't work properly.

Also Robutt doesn't like boxing jokes. I don't think going "I coulda been somebadeh howahd…" warranted her trying to run me over with a forklift though, do you?

You're all overthinking this. An artificial womb growing a fully organic child that's been cultured from the father's cells and magically influence the genes with a bit of the mother's mana, boom, you got a kid.

Maintenance here.

>>341959

The code is a Wizard affair. It applies only to Wizards. In those circumstances, I would be the one executed.

>>341960

Sorry Dr. Zuzi, when I said IVF, that was kinda where I was going with it. The 'Not going to happen' was more in reference to 'happy accidents', you follow me? If we do decide to have children (Telia honey please don't ruin the other sleeve) it's going to have to be a VERY deliberate process.

>>341964

Don't worry honey, you can only surprise me once.

…and, regardless of the influence my 'Mana' would have on the baby, Architect Zuzi, he or she would still be organic. it wouldn't be something we made together. At best I could be little more than an incubation suite. That's something that I have to come to terms with and sort out if I can accept.

You people are so damn picky. Just use magic fully then, I mean our friendly neighborhood maintenance wizard managed to knock up a sword. That spell framework he's talking about should be a workable solution for you. Bit more work than what I propose, but whatever.

On the other hand, using the data I took during Tandy's transformation, I think I could make a biomechanical ovary, but the problem with that is it would be hers, not yours. There's nothing really wrong with making copies of her tongue for others to taste things with, but making copies of her theoretical babymakers for other people to procreate with? Unless everybody involved is okay with that, then even I won't go there. I certainly wouldn't put that on the market.

As for how the kid would grow, it'd be fine. Neural networks do it all the time.

>>341968

Architect, I think you need to check your Organic Privilege and quit Biosplaining to me about…

…Pffffhahahahahaha… I can't. No stop, Gazza, it's just too much. Can you imagine if people actually talked like that? What a crazy concept.

Thanks for the input, Architect. I'm sure we'll be talking to you in a more specific fashion… eventually.

>>341970

>You did have the recording module active at the time, right?

We've had the recording on whenever she's in the sleeve. "Unable to replicate issue, please return to assets." is something I see on a daily fucking basis after all.

And I do mean 'whenever' she's been in the sleeve if you follow me… Be discrete with the data? Telia already wanted to accompany the sleeve with some very threatening legal documents but I convinced her to have a little faith. Please don't make a liar out of me. She's so self-conscious about that kind of thing. She doesn't even like me telling people that she [REDACTED]

Oh Come on baby it's nothing!

Message from Marketing Systems: B-bully…

>>341970

Heck if I know exactly how they'd turn out. I mean, first I'd have to do some refinements to the form of an organ in transition from an already newly formed ovary to an inorganic analog which later would become nothing at all, and then I'd have to actually install it in her and get her knocked up which I'm sure she'd have some objections to, and then wait to see what happens.

Message from sys.resndev.mamonocorp.int: You're damn straight I'd have some objections!

V---V

V---V proposal: synthetic/organic relations

V---V draft: rough

V---V

V---V boy

V---V this should keep you busy boy

V---V or not

V---V up to you

V---V

V---V Stones above, it's been ages since I had to work through one Screyton's spellprogs.

V---V Never did like the commenting format.

V---V Might as well try and work out what I'm working in.

V---V Here goes nothing?

V---V

V---V initialize format: begin arrays

V---V

V---V Simple enough so far.

V---V

Concept(rough)-

form[combine!merge?unify?separate||disengage//stabilize\\reconceptualize_ideologyMARK]

V---V

V---V initialize variables, backup states

V---V with names appropriate for the union

V---V

V---V Basic declarations.

V---V And dry humor.

V---V As expected.

V---V

*JJmarktime_C:declare!{runtime_0}{runtime_1}((runtime_2?))

V---V

V---V initialize format: begin character_1 (donor)

V---V ensure donor soul, mind stability

V---V ensure body restabilization option

V---V

V---V First commands, and already prepping (albeit temporary) soul/mind merging?

V---V

*CRddR!!concept=yNN,,,JRR1_start//begin

*CRddR!!concept=yNN,,,JRR2_start//begin

*CRddR!!cement_MIND[[stabilize]]-→cement_SOUL[[stabilize]]-→decement_BODY[[prepare_recombinant]]

V---V

V---V as above, for second participant (receiver)

V---V

V---V She never was one for formalized comments, was she…

V---V

*VRddR!!concept=xNN,,,JRR1_start//begin

*VRddR!!concept=xNN,,,JRR2_start//begin

*VRddR!!cement_MIND[[stabilize]]-→cement_SOUL[[stabilize]]-→decement_BODY[[prepare_recombinant]]

V---V

V---V begin calculations for minimum safe actualized spirit energy (VIS) cost

V---V gather calculations, determine efficiency modulations (COMMJER)

V---V

V---V Didn't want to bother with the acronym's full wording either, eh?

V---V And if I'm reading it right, she even admits cheating - definitely going to need to go over this section later.

V---V No way I'd be able to cast it with my reserves.

V---V

…(*formatJJJ77___(access*null)(access*all)(access*false)

…(*formatJJJ78___(reCALC{{{symbol}idea}concept}[[ADD&&SUBTRACT]]|&DENY_COST(deny_cost)FULL_outputACE

V---V

V---V are you reading this boy

V---V good

V---V what comes next is what breaks the lie of life

V---V what comes next is what creates the truth we choose

V---V

V---V I swear, if she wasn't able to create matter from nothing, I'd wonder what she was thinking when she wrote that.

V---V

cast[cast[cast[cast{{{{"nothing is true"}{"denydenydenydenydenyACCEPT"}{"life, from one, false; life from two, false, life, regardless, is"}SET_VAR

V---V

V---V listen well boy

V---V it's rather simple

V---V if you paid attention to even a tenth of my lessons you would understand

V---V life is not just organic

V---V there is always another way

V---V

V---V Yeah, yeah.

V---V Always another way.

V---V Not that I can see it, obviously.

V---V Probably not ever going to even try casting this thing.

V---V I can at least read it through, though.

V---V

*,,,,<>SET_nullNULL{{{reject_nonexistence}{affirm_MIND}{affirm_SOUL}{permit_FORM_CHOICE}cull-cull-cull

*,,,,((((disMERGE_MIND)(disMERGE_SOUL)

*,,,,runtime_0(COMMUNE)

*,,,,runtime_1(COMMUNE)

*COMMUNE:{ "Greetings"

*COMMUNE:{ "Mind, Body and Soul have been counted."

*COMMUNE:{ "That which you would create is soon to wake."

*COMMUNE:{ "You may yet decide the form of your child."

*COMMUNE_OPTIONS:{? form_physical_BASE}{! form_mentalBASE}

*COMMUNE:{ "Please wait."

*DELIBERATE(choices_SELECTED_1)

*DELIBERATE(choices_SELECTED_2)

*COMMUNE:{ "Your child is now beginning to wake, and will be permitted time to determine her self before joining life."

*,,,,runtime_2(COMMUNE)

*COMMUNE:(runtime_2){ "Your parents have provided your base attributes, in mind and soul."

*COMMUNE:(runtime_2){ "You may decide on how you wish to express your existence into the physical world."

*COMMUNE_OPTIONS:(runtime_2){form_PHYSICAL(form_physical_BASE)

*DELIBERATE(choices_SELECTED_3)

*,,,,DISMERGE_ALL(create//craft//form//repair_IF_NEEDED

*,,,,WAKE_all_ALL

V---V

V---V obviously boy this will not work for you from the base project

V---V changes will be necessary

V---V

V---V "Changes will be necessary," indeed.

V---V What a mess.

V---V Sure, it'd function, but I'd have to be Zeke to even start to cast it.

V---V

>>341976

>>341978

Who der ficke is screwing with the verdammt internal comms again….

…Damnit, did I just hit "Send" instead of "Save" again?

>>341982

Is… Is this a spell in the format of a scripting language?

>>341980

So… uh… ever seen a forklift with morning sickness? Because that's a thing that just happened. You're welcome.

SHUT UP BENNY! RUNNING THAT CODE ON THE FORKLIFT'S ONBOARD WAS AN AWESOME IDEA… What do you mean flash the drive before it starts demanding pickles, Ice cream and back-rubs? Are you two just taking the piss?

…Hey Mofucore, you think it was pretty sweet, right?

…What the hell is a 'suka?'

Maintenance here.

And yes, I am an idiot. I meant to hit SAVE instead of SEND. And why does the default SEND option go to all? Shouldn't it default to asking?

>>341983

Yes? The moment computers were invented Liches were all over them. That maddening garble is what they had long ago decided was the appropriate form of the language of reality, and putting it into a computer made it possible to have consistent spacing and expression checks.

First concept of the Realitwist school: "Life's a story, the world's a stage, be the twist."

>>341983

How different do you think a program and a spell really are?

Maintenance here.

>>341984

Yeah, I'm calling bull. First, that's incompatible with everything ever. Second, I didn't add any Vis. Third, I DELIBERATELY LEFT OUT THE ACTIVATION LINES.

>>341987

Okay so maybe I just typed in 'sudo vent Forward_hydraulics' and just dumped the rest in comment. IT WAS STILL SWEET!

…Fuck off Benny, I'm cleaning it up, aren't I?

>>341984

Literally, "сука" translates to "bitch." Like so many profanities in various languages, it's used with a much less strict definition as a general-purpose insult.

>>341986

It honestly never occurred to me that the logic of magic could be expressed in anything so mundane as a scripting language. Might make the whole wizard thing worth another look if I don't find myself with someone by this fall….

Maintenance here.

>>341988

I figured as much. In its current (full) form, only three kinds of mortals would be able to cast it:

1). Incubized mages.

2). Hedge mages with stores at least ten times those of Zeke.

3). Wizards who ████████████████████

>>341990

Hate to burst your bubble, but the "wizard thing" is a process that can't be started any later than puberty, and ideally no later than age ten. That "Virgin until thirty" thing is only part of the process. The other two parts are, in order, significantly less appealing, and ███████.

I did mention the end action involves the soul getting ripped out, heavily modified, and reinserted, right? I know I did.

>>341973

>be discrete

Relax, Mog and I go way back. Her mischief is more playful than malicious, but she's very professional about her sleeve business. She wouldn't want to lose you two as potential beta testers in the future, anyway. Nor would she want to suffer the consequences to her business that would occur if word got out about indiscretions with confidential data. As for her own security, I hacked her home network once. Reciprocation for a little harmless prank she pulled on me. Yeah, you know how I said "I could do it again if I had to"? Well, that's more of a "definite maybe." And she guards her work network much more jealously than that. Makes a dragon guarding its treasure look lax. Air-gapping and who knows what kind of gremlin tech automated defense machines are just the beginning.

And if that isn't enough, I'll throw this out there. I'm a pretty chill guy, most of the time. I can get annoyed, and I can get irritated. But to get me right properly angry, you have to deliberately do a tap dance on some specific buttons of mine. Invasion of privacy is one of those buttons. Mog wouldn't want to deal with a right properly angry me, both due to our friendship and because she knows me well enough to know what a right properly angry me could entail (and that was before I learned magic).

Our friendship would spare her the worst of it, but she would still be better off facing all the danuki lawyers Telia could sic on her.

>>341980

>>341983

>>341987

At least it wasn't in Perl. I know because I didn't write it, yet I could read some of it.

>>341986

I nod agreement with this. It's all really just logic and syntax, but operating on the state of reality instead of the state of a machine. The biggest difference is that "compiling the code" involves manipulation of your own intrinsic mana. At least, that's how I think about it. How else do you guys think I've been able to pick this stuff up as fast as I have?

>>341992

I'm going to assume those blocked out sections are infohazards my workstation screened out, and leave that thought behind me. That will likely be for the best.

Maintenance here.

>>341995

Eh. Less infohazard, more you-just-don't-want-to-know. The sort of thing which would make you think of Bile favourably, if only in inaction.

>>341996

Looks like sufficient levels of you-dont-wanna-know can trip my infohazard screen then. I'd rather not test that right now.

>>341923

I'm throwing this one out to get the ball rolling, and because I couldn't think of anything better on short notice:

Erecting the future

Maintenance here.

Got a bit of a thought niggling at the back of my mind. Three questions for any AI willing to answer:

>Do you dream?

>If so, can you affect your dreams?

>If so, can your dreams affect you?

>>342003

NEGATIVE: Simple designation AI do not have a SLEEP state. We are powered on or off as demand rises and falls, with no processing of events occurring in the intermittent time period.

Maintenance here.

Let's see, toss this line in, run the Commjer calculations…that little? One way to find out.

>>342005

You say you don't sleep, and therefore don't dream. Assuming it didn't cause any problems with power or productivity, would you like to?

>>342003

Yes… well… kind of.

If I'm running a sleeve, i'll usually run maintenance and diagnostics tasks while Jonno's sleeping. These of course get their best results with as few possible concurrent processes as possible running. So technically with the majority of my 'brain' offline I could be said to be "sleeping". Do I have to do this every night? Of course not, but it feels… nice to do it with him.

As for dreams? Well I'll usually have one system process with root capability on at all times, just to make sure urgent reports don't get missed (IE a gas pipe burst and now I'm on fire). Depending on which process is 'on watch' can determine how the report logs are 'perceived'. Some are quite abstract! Do I see pictures of pink unicorns or forgetting my pants before going to a meeting or something? Not so much…

Do I want to? The unicorns might be nice, the no pants meeting not so much…

Maintenance here.

>>342012

Well, if you're amenable I have a few related tests to try - this whole thing with the spell framework has gotten me reminded of something completely different from a while ago, and if I'm right about what I've written here…

Anyway, the tests are relatively straightforward and shouldn't take more than an hour in total. I'd like to see if I can set up a way for you to induce a sleepstate complete with dreams, a simple "green field" situation, then test the following:

> Item/area creation/destruction/modification

> Bringing someone into the dream

> Bringing you into someone else's dream

> Bringing something out of your dream

All of the above are possible with organic sleepers, and Nightmares go about the matter all the bloody time, so it should be both entirely safe and feasible. Well, definitely safe, probably feasible.

>>342030

Hmmm… Architect Zuzi, do you have a blank core I can back up to before Shura tries this?

Assuming she says yes I'm in. Nothing against you Shura, just like to set some insurance against catastrophic failure.

Maintenance here.

Jonno, if you've a free moment, could you drop by Maintenance? I think you ought be involved in this. Need a second participant for the tests and I legitimately can't be both researcher and tester.

>>342041

I'd be concerned if you didn't set a backup, honestly. I mean, the tests are going to be based on multiple-thousand-year-old verified-safe concepts incapable of causing harm to the soul, and at most light confusion for the mind, but simply relying on that blindly would be sheer madness.

>>342012

>running a sleeve

THAT'S IT! That's why an Automaton hasn't gotten pregnant, even though they ARE mamono and the magic used in their invention should have taken care of that! A SLEEVE! Why hasn't anyone seen it before, it's so simple?

The reason an Automaton has never gotten pregnant even though friggin' SWORDS can, is because nobody has ever had sex with THE CORE. What you're doing now is like if he were playing with a remote control car and you picked it up and fucked it.

Jonno, the spell you'll need will be a variant of the one you're already working on, but it won't be nearly as hard to cast. You should already be thoroughly soaked in her mana, just bring her core into the bedroom and use your spell to close the gap between your mojo's sphere of influence and hers, and the same thing that happens in the stranger mamono types should happen here. I mean fuck, guys can knock up skeletons, a magitek machine should be no problem.

Maintenance here.

>>342046

I'm stopping you right there. Rossa and Cressida aren't pregnant - merely preparing for maternity. They're not organic, and just as Telia's explanation of AI creation was different from that of organics, so too will those Rossa and Cressida birth. Last night they were looking into forges, smelteries and grades of steel.

Kindly do not assume that all things are the same. Too many of my former colleagues made this mistake. The price is far too high.

>>342041

Oh and of course you can dear. I'll have one brought down to Shura right away.

>>342047

My point is that there is a current of magic running through all mamono that facilitates this "genuine motherhood" state, and sex is always involved. And also that trying to invoke that state with a remotely operated sleeve is, of course, going to be very difficult. Involve the core and tie into the existing current of magic that seems to actively want this stuff to happen, and it should be well within Jonno's capabilities.

Maintenance here.

>>342051

I grant you that there is a significant separation between the sleeve and the AI operating it. A similar comparison would be between a person and their clothes, they just are not the same entity.

The problem is that you are likely viewing the matter with too much focus on the technological aspect of a heavily mystical phenomenon. If Telia - and similar beings - can "back up" to separate cores, it stands to reason that the cores themselves are as much shells as the sleeves, sanctuaries for the soul.

Your comparison between this situation and my own marriage? Yes, there was lovemaking involved, but the only one to gain any sort of "motherhood state" from the physical union was Nubia. Rossa and Cressida, as Artifice souls, gained this state after we briefly joined on a metaphysical, not after rutting like animals.

Your comparison with the undead is similarly questionable By their very nature the deed requires a soul joining, especially as Liches' bodies - and indeed those of Wizards - are merely the organic equivalent of Synthsleeves, and yet attempting to use a Lich's phylactery as the focus of the union does not work.

Yes, the current of magic wants life, as it is life, and it is love. It does everything it can to make this possible, but even it does impose limitations and required paths towards this end.

I do apologize if I come off a bit rude, but this is a matter I've been made to come to terms with fairly heavily and thus its importance is rather ingrained in my person.

Yeah, you're right, I need to back off from this, but it's hard because this is what gremlins have been trying for since the invention of Automatons in the first place. This is the endgame. You know what? Fuck it, I'm going to take Tandy out and we're going to go meet this Mog that everybody wants me to meet.

Maintenance here.

Alright, couches set up, spell prepped, ready when you are.

>>342054

Believe me, I understand. Every Wizard inherently understands the need to complete a line of thought, a path of research. That it's both your life's work and that of a good chunk of your race just makes it even more compelling. I just worry that the pursuit risks a price unpayable.

Well that was an adventure. Zooz and Mog immediately got on well and started conversing way above my level, I spent most of the time de-skinned with my torso open so they could examine my guts, Mog now has a supply deal on our new parts plus a deal to work some of our stuff deemed too expensive for consumer products into her custom jobs, and as a thanks for being such a good sport she installed some cute subdermal LED display arrays in my cheeks. And now Mama Grem's holed up in her office with a bottle of wine, so business as usual?

<Message from M-RG13: You're not going to tell them about the custom cooch Mog installed while she had you down?

What? Were you networked over my shoulder? Of course I wasn't going to tell everybody about that!

<Relax, it's not like I told them something really embarrassing, like how you're attracted to photos of your old!@#$%^&**(#$%^&*

Message from sys.resndev.mamonocorp.int: SHADDAP MARGIEEEE! I still have higher access than you.

Receiving here, well remotely here… I'm actually logging in from Manami's house.

I asked out Manami and she said yes. Had a really nice dinner where neither of us were focused on the food, then a movie. Then we went for a moonlit stroll, and I kind of forgot that it was a full moon that night, and she jumped me. We almost did the deed, then she snapped out of it at the last second and ran off. She looked terrified at me, as if I was cursed or something. It took awhile, but I finally found where she lives and am currently trying to coax her out.

Sorry for leaving the Receiving dept. to the orcs, and sorry if they deliver things to the wrong places.

Maintenance here.

These results…oh, by the Five Farthest Shores I have the most wonderful idea.

@MachinistaMama: Could I trouble you for a completely blank AI core, please? Don't worry, you'll get it back - I just need to do a few compatibility checks. If I'm right, well, let's just say things are about to get interesting.

>>342086

I'll bring you one, gimme a sec I'll be right down.

Maintenance here.

>>342088

Thank you kindly, I'll finish up these scans and drop it off by R&D as soon as I'm done.

@MachinistaMama: I was right. It is interesting. I think you'll like what I've come up with. Just need to polish a few lines here and there, incorporate these scans I'm making.

>>342084

Is anyone else a bit fuckin'… squicked by the thought of gremlins digging about in a robo-alp's guts? The shit that gets you sometimes eh? NONOPLEASESTOPITHURTSITHURTS

>>342085

Yeh, Benny got called down to pick up the slack. All good, we're actually not too busy since not many folks have been in since the full moon. Nobody's had the chance to break anything expensive and need an RMA.

He did send me two words when it became obvious the Orcs knew WHY you weren't there. "Salted. Pork." They are PIIIIISSED.

And is that the Ushi I nicked the 'Put-Satan-in-a-time-out' Purity seal for? She's a top sheila that one. Made me something called a 'Bento' to say thanks. Some tasty shit, even if it is weird Zipangan food. Best of luck getting her out of the metaphorical tree.

>>342086

So… Uh… I dunno if this is relevant or not Shura. After they came back from the study Jonno was gonna send Robutt's backup off to get particle-shredded in R&D's "Delete-Everythingotron". Merciful Lord… I thought Telia was gonna hit him. She grabs the thing and runs out telling him that she was going to deal with it 'Properly' and that he was a 'Baka Orgo Dumbdumb.'

I need to teach that silly bitch how to swear. Seriously.

They'll be fine though. How do I know this? The same way my shit hasn't been redacted yet. You know how Robutt was in that sleeve with the pink bunny pyjamas on? Well the way Jonno was looking at her, I'm surprised you managed to GET him to sleep. They're probably well and truly into the "Making up" part of that fight in a storage closet somewhere.

If someone could get Ms. Leafowicz and Ms. Tatsuyokai to check their inboxes, I've finished writing up docuentation on the plan I mentioned the preliminary form of in >>341876. I think they'll both find it to their liking, since the end result is a decrease in expenses and an increase in security of the system in question. As amusing as their confrontation was earlier, I'm beginning to get worried.

Seek you new life? Truth, like a knife, cuts through the disguise o'er the world's harshest lies.

For the truth is the lie, this you cannot deny, as the work of our souls to force truth to the roles

Brings the world to its knees - from the mount to the seas - for life's greatest desire is an unending fire.

Against the dark of the night stands this unquenchable light, from far East to West does it shine without rest

Nor denying its cause, against which all Laws are naught but mere terms fit not even for worms.

So for those seeking Life, fear no sort of strife - for hard though it may seem, the first step is to Dream.

Maintenance here.

What the blue blazes did I just write?

>>342104

Eh, it's not like it hurts me or anything. It's just kind of embarrassing, like being more naked than naked.

>>342108

>>342109

Seems to me almost like it's referencing the nature of dreams and souls. And perhaps something to do with quantum physics? Or its magical equivalent, something that turns the usual rules of magic on their head.

>>342108

>>342109

>For those seeking Life… The first step is to Dream

Fun fact. You know how the Preceptor told Jonno to take Telia to church when she was just the flirty DocMag and Security monitoring AI? Well they actually did. Aparrently the Bishop Himself pulled Robutt aside and had a good old chat with her about life, the Universe and everything. Probably why nobody said shit about her and Jonno afterwards. "The Lord Doesn't Approve" is a bit see-through when one of the mortal pillars of the faith is over there sipping a cup of tea and laughing with her.

Ask her about it sometime.

…Oh, and if you could warn Clarice. Gazza's apparently found a 'Master Plan' to make sure dinner goes well. I don't know the details but I know the words "Robust as fuck" were used… And he bought another two suits. She seemed like a nice girl at the wedding, 'Devil' part notwithstanding.

>>342111

>>342108

>>342109

Sounds Discordian to me. Like the line in the catechism, "Even False Things Are True."

Maintenance here.

>>342111

Maybe. All I know is I blinked suddenly I'd lost some time, apparently become a pseudo-philosophical poet, and there's another window open.

I don't remember opening Screyton's proposal. I don't remember writing these notes, or these lines.

>>342104

Wait, run that by me again? I know Telia seemed a bit more concerned over the backup core after the test than before it, but I don't…

Wait. Please explain what you're implying because I'm running on fumes here and fairly certain I might misread the situation without clear language. Thirteen cups of coffee - the cheap stuff, I left Mrs. Firewine's gift at home like an IMBECILE and only had the backup stash - is not a good way to keep a brain operational.

>>342122

Gazza's 'Planning', sorry Shura. From what he told me on the phone. (Incidentally keep something steel between you and an Orc if the words Lok'Tar Ogar' are used, they're… tenacious little squealers, aren't they?) He wasn't sure himself what it meant, only that you'd probably be interested in the fact it happened.

They should be back shortly, I can't imagine even Jonno getting filled with sufficient Lust to ignore the discomfort of a supply closet… or Telia the mortification of discovery… Hint Hint… (I know you're reading this Robutt, wrap it up or I'll tell the Ratatoskr where you are and let her bring cameras)

Maintenance here.

>>342110

There's always another layer. I know you're a Synthetic now, and bodies are kind of a thing you can put on like clothes, but do yourself a favor, never let anyone completely remove your soul from whatever body you consider truly yours.

There's always something that can't be put back in.

>>342124

>plans

Good. If this goes well, he'll be able to redeem some face. If this goes poorly…Clarice will be able to make use of the momentary weakness in his psyche to install a few subliminal healing impulses. She's genuinely interested in him. Not that she'll admit it until he works up the nerve to ask her outright, but, well…let's just say that if Gazza cools his head a little and thinks things through carefully, he should have a chance.

>orcish phrase, tenacity

Believe me, I know just what you mean. Best ruddy defense-pattern training I ever had was a troop of Orcs trying to get through my shields.

Then came the drinking party.

>cameras

There is to be no unscheduled photography within this institution, thankyouverymuch. Makes the ghosts get a bit skittish, for some reason. Then I have to clean ectoplasm from the walls after they reflexively hide.

I don't begrudge them the matter - it's like a hand on a stove, there's just gonna be a reflex - but it is one of the most tenacious messes I've ever encountered. Only blood and wine are tougher to get out of things.

To all those magically inclined that donated blood: Congratulations! You're each a father of a sorts to an as of yet unborn baby boy!

Now you know the reasoning of the blood samples, and so far I know for a fact the child will be born with a ludicrous amount of power. Remember, complaints go into the left mail slot, name suggestions the right.

>>342129

Well, I let Zuzi remove my brain for a while to examine it (which was the first time I'd been shut down, that's a pretty freaky experience, even getting put under anesthesia doesn't compare). And I think that's probably where my soul is. She was hoping to learn something she could replicate, but the structure can pretty much only be recreated by something like what happened to me.

>>342138

So… Uh… Lord of Light how do I put this…

You've got about 48 Hours before that becomes Heresy. And that's just as far as the Temple's concerned. I don't even want to THINK about what the Mamono traditionalists feel about that.

>>342138

>intentionally engineering an army of powerful mages

Congratulations, you've broken about a half dozen international treaties.

>>342141

Do I need to get the leftovers from when my great grandfather was committing war crimes in the name of his faith? The tools I took with me when I left the family cult are at your disposal if need be.

Maintenance here.

>>342138

Are you a Wizard? Please answer either in the affirmative with a "Yes" or in the negative with a "No."

Maintenance here.

>>342142

This is literally the primary effective purpose of the Wizard program. Intentionally creating magically-adept youths through any other means has been prohibited by interplanar strictures for centuries. The effects on the soul and the psyche are simply too utterly destructive.

>>342146

So test-tube mages break not only international law, but interplanar law? Good to know.

>>342141

>>342142

>>342147

The funniest thing is you all think I'm a stranger to breaking the laws of several dimensions at once.

>>342145

About time someone caught on. Or atleast openly admitted. No, "Bile" isn't the first identity I've taken. And as to your second statement, it's only good form to try and replicate the experiments of others.

Honestly the most shocking thing about this is that the CEO approved of this, with a phone call. Genuinely confused.

>>342150

>approval via phone call

Unless you've got it on paper, I've got twenty says you weren't actually talking to the CEO.

Maintenance here.

>>342150

Please answer the question. Are you, or are you not, a graduate of the Wizard program?

Maintenance here.

>>342154

…Disturbingly, knowing what I do of this institution I can believe that. Especially what I ended up needing to do before meeting my three.

I do have two small questions, however: how exactly did you manage the metagenetic synthesis, and how do you intend to keep the resulting fetus stabilized without sympathetic magic erasing roughly seven-and-a-half meters of the area around it? There is a reason your experiment was banned, beyond the moral outrage.

>>342154

Somebody tell finance that higher approved an illegal experiment in writing, I'm not going to put life and limb on the line by delivering that news in person.

Y'know what? Fuck it, brb, going to dig up a cheap inebriation simulation program, I can't even right now.

>>342157

>I do have two small questions, however: how exactly did you manage the metagenetic synthesis, and how do you intend to keep the resulting fetus stabilized without sympathetic magic erasing roughly seven-and-a-half meters of the area around it? There is a reason your experiment was banned, beyond the moral outrage.

Jr. hasn't exploded because I've done what every other attemptee hasn't: used a non-magical X chromosome.

I've studied each incident and from that I found out that each wizard has used themselves as the donor. In any normal case a person need both genes to be a wizard of any worth; however when the recipient has a hyper potent Y, the point becomes moot. In a sense the failures of the past did so because they reached too high to only burn their hands when they touched the sun.

In any case, I've surrounded the incubator with warding that would put him into a pocket dimension in case that he does go magic nuke. Perfectly safe.

>>342162

Buy me something bitter and strong while you're doing that and I'll pay you for both.

>>342162

I'm heading out for a bit, too. Still need to go pick my car up from Mog's place. She left a text saying it was fixed. Up, up and away.

>>342138

>>342150

>>342154

>Unconsented amalgam clone

>Significant genetic modification

>Breaching the '6th Day' Laws

>Fuckhuge magical potential

>CEO OKed this

…Nup, fuck this. BRB, whistleblowing. Who's in?

>>342164

Tl;dr

Moderation is key. Not too powerful, not too weak. Just right.

Maintenance here.

>>342164

…Wizards aren't born. We're made. Every Wizard ever to live has been a normal human being of minimal consequence who goes through the unbelievably horrific process. Your attempt to metagenetically engineer a magical youth is based on faulty presuppositions, and will end in failure.

And yes, it will fail. Magic is aware, and absolutely despises the sorts of actions you're taking. It will do the only thing it can, and provide a swift destruction to the end result of your imbecilic attempt to play God.

>>342167

Give me an hour, I can probably have any digital records copied off our internal network and into your inbox.

Maintenance here.

>>342167

Oh, I've had an array constantly transmitting the events as they transpire to the heads of the Paladins, Mages, and Guilds for the last…hour? Yes, an hour as of three minutes ago. They are aware.

>>342171

I'll be copying you on those records as well then, please forward them to the appropriate people.

>>342169

Oh please, if magic doesn't have built-in "There is a point where we needed to stop and and we have clearly passed it but let's keep going and see what happens" clauses, then explain everything gremlins do. Damn rules lawyers, the lot of you.

>>342171

I hope Bile has the adoption papers ready. Time for "Rule #0" to be put to good use.

>>342165

Hell, I'll be over with a bottle of the Mad Slav's own vodka. R&D does some custom work for him occasionally and he pays us in liquid form.

>>342170

…Okay Assets boys, I'm going to assume this is a result of you. Why do I have THREE FUCKING ANGELS trying do barge into sixteen in spite of the wards?

>>342171

…You mean I went and did my hair into 'Photogenic Harried Employee" for NOTHING? I already had the press response planned and everything.

Ah well, probably should file the report anyway…

>>342171

Er… Which 'Paladins'? You do know there are three internationally censured terrorist groups who use that nomenclature, right? I'd prefer we didn't have to answer to an ethics subcomittee for that IN ADDITION to the current clusterfuck.

>>342176

Because Deus Fuckin' Vult, lawboy.

Also we're on fuckin' strike. Upstairs? I know Robutt's been pinging you every three seconds for the last hour. Fix this. There is no 'Or' Fuckya.

>>342175

You're a lifesaver, Tandy. I'm going to be lucky to not have anybody else after my head on a pike after this, and no way in any of the verdammt cosmic realms am I going to survive this stone sober.

>>342176

I'm IT, not Assets.