/monster/ - The Last Bastion of Romance

>>330054

>stop liking what I don't like!

>>330063

Why are you even posting? Hide the thread you fucking turbo nigger.

>>330082

>I think it would have been better if he'd just ban edgelord/MGU posting because there was a huge difference in the paladin posting /monster/ had in the beginning and the paladin unironic edge posting MGU did.

Native /monster/ paladin posting were things like images related. The ban did work and drove the gorefags back to MGU, but it also hurt our native funposters. Just ban unironic edgeshit.

Paladins, I plan on getting a tree chopped for a witch-burning pyre, but I want to know what sort of wood I should be using. Any recommendations?

I SAID TO KEEP IT PG GUYS.

EVERY TIME YOU TWO SIDES OF RADICALS INTERACT THE THREAD GOES TO SHIT.

DISCUSS. YOUR. NEWEST. SWORDS.

Illias curse you all

>>330109

>>330112

Best goddess.

>>330108

Again, what the fuck is MGU?

>>330146

I'm sure you're a great guy, anon.

>>330147

That's true. Though I would rather say they're worst than autists.

>>330149

I want a waifu to accept me and help me improve myself.

>When the squires say they are ready for an undertaking before finishing "Monstrous Bestiary & Inquisition Involvements: 3rd Edition."

The poor naive fools.

Hark, good brethren! It is I, Sir Anonis, once a squire I am now freshly knighted by m'lord! For my first quest I was told that I must clear out the goblin burrows that have shown up at the edge of the kingdom. Because the other knights said they were too good to bother with such things so they made me take it instead. I guess it's fair, somebody has to do clean up… I guess. But now, enough of that, let me regale you with tales of my heroic deeds! Please don't leave, they were awe inspiring I give my word!

>Be me, Sir Anonis, Third of his name of house Monstred!

>Once a humble squire now a shining knight

>Stop laughing

>I make my way to the edge of the kingdom, all around me I can make out the signs of a goblin raid

>Wagons tipped over, trees set ablaze, large rocks strewn about, and the sight of crying women and children

>Not a single man to be seen

>THOSEFIENDS.parchment

>Now with a blazing fire in my heart I track down the goblins deep within their underground homes

>All is quiet and dark

>Light a torch and pull out my blade: Monster's Bane!

>STOP LAUGHING TIS NOT GENERIC!

>Everything goes surprisingly well, didn't even step into any traps

>In all honesty it's kind of boring overall, maybe this is why our sworn brothers didn't want to bother? There was not much in the way of glory to be found

>Get to a small hole, big enough for a child to easily squeeze through. A man could fit in if they were to squeeze and crawl through

>I'm going to have to sheathe my sword and toss out my torch. Don't want to burn my face after all

>Without abandon I go forth and make my way deep within. Then without warning the tunnel collapses!

>I hear laughter coming from beyond the stony walls

>"Bring him to the Hob!" The voices called out

>I'm dragged out by my ankles like some sodding piglet and brought before the Hob

>My weapons, armor, even the clothing on my back was stripped from me

>Caught unawares by goblins of all things, my honor tarnished

>But I, Fair Anonis the Third, was not going to die like some coward!

>I strike forth running bare naked and screaming towards the Hob

>The horde jumped me, surely this would be my death!

>But in the last minute I remembered my training: I must strike at the heart of their Queen and bring her down with my mighty sword

>I thrusted my fine blade into her again and again! The bone chilling moans of ecstasy- I MEAN, death could be from miles throughout the cavern as I slew the Hob leader, in the nude

>How did I get my sword from the horde if they stripped me you asked?

>Uh… pay no mind! Aye, it was a frantic battle indeed! Some… minor details are bound to be lost in the scuffle yes! *cough*

And that's how I returned as a conquering hero, brethren! Because of my amazing work our most highly honorable brothers were able to perform more serious duties. Now if you excuse me I must once again patrol the edge of the kingdom for I have a great date- DUTY! that I must attend to! It would be a terrible thing if the goblin hordes again sprouted up. Girls without proper father figures make for terrible wives after all!

What does that have to do with anything you inquire?

IT'S OF NO MATTER! SO LONG BROTHERS AND MAY BLESSINGS BE UPON YOU!

>>330284

I heard goblins. Show me where you saw these goblins.

>>330295

No goblins here, fine sir! Did you not read my tale of battle and triumph? I have routed the beasts! So rest your head dear brother. If anymore goblins come around I'm, uh… sure to tell you about it!

>>330308

>this doesn't sound all that truthful, my fine sir

Brother! You dare insult my lineage? Yes, truth be told I am but a second cousin to a second cousin but I am noble blood through and through! I'd be more than happy to relay mine lineage and heritage at a later date. Alas I am busy with mine duties as a husband to a gob- I MEAN AS A KNIGHT! Yes! Sworn duties and all that!

>>330164

No need to by a new sword, my fellow knight. For I already own a fine blade

>>330317

You should be careful with those things sir knight. I found one of those on my travels and now i can't enter combat without screaming ==Embrace the Nightmare!==

>Be level 4 Paladin specced for smiting accursed beasts

>See a band of accursed goblins attempting to force a mere boy into sullied unsavory acts

>How unfortunate for them

>"Hmmm… what have we here?" I say with a confident stride that takes them by surprise

>"Oh no, a paladin!" The goblin exclaimed, eyes sullen into shock

>"But not just any paladin, it's Sir Farz, the Sniffer!" A second goblin screams, understanding the dire consequences associated with my presence

>"Curse your misfortune, foul vixens, that you have come across my visage this day!"

>"We still outnumber him, surely he will fall for our short stacked bodies and green apple flavored nipple milk"

>I cast the strongest spell within my calendar, Banishment

>A loud unending eruption of flatulence reverberates inside my armor, a look of absolute shock and defeat immediately washes upon the beasts faces

>"No, surely you wouldn't-?"

>"HMMMM…. BANISHMENT!" I squeal with a poised expression

>"NO! STOP!" The goblins begin to tremble in their steps, "ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

>Another eruption of foul smelling smite ripples the scenery, the goblins begin coughing and gagging upon the concentrated truthfulness wrought forth

"HMMMMMMMMM… BANISHMENT!" I say again, this time with a mighty stomach rumble

>The little green creatures retreat almost immediately, screaming and panicking in abstract terror, one of them trips and is left behind

>"THE STENCH, BY ILLIAS, THE STENCH!" it screeches, fearful of what has come

>"W-Wha-?" The boy emerges from his scared and sullied fetal position, "What happened?"

>I approach the boy and explain how I've blessed my asshole, giving my bodily functions a powerfully holy odor

>"Cool!" The boy exclaims, amazed at how heroic I am, "You're my favorite Paladin, Sir Farz!"

>"Hmmmm… and now to deliver swift JUSTICE!"

>I approach the monster that has so harmed so many innocents, scaring all the fair maidens of the village into hiding. Not a single one would even talk to me, they were that scared of the beasts! But, heh, the time has come to rescue miladies from the menace these creatures pose

>With a final belly rumble, I steady myself as the goblin attempts to flee. But nay, it is too late, as I have already teleported in front of her, rear end first

>"HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…. BANISHMENT!"

>As the goblin writhes in pain and slowly melts into a puddle of flesh and bones, I journey on forth, for there are more adventures, more dangers to face. But I will never concede to the fate woven by evil, nor the toilet paper forged by malice, for I am Sir Farz, the Sniffer!

>>330371

>Track down a mighty dragon that has been terrorizing a nearby village, burning it's children into ash and eating men's faces whilst stealing their chastity, but no more!

>As the dragon begins to lay her siege upon some foolish stable boy, it notices my badass arrival

>"I-It can't be!" The once mighty dragon yells out, terrified like a toddler.

>"Hmmmmm… yes, it is I, Sir Farz, the Sniffer!"

>Predictably, the dragon lets out a mighty gust of flames. But I am no stranger to fighting dragons, yes, as mighty and unbeatable as they may be to simple folk

>"HMMMM… BANISHMENT!"

>A wave of flatulence spurts into the flames, and like an active volcano of stench, catches on fire and smacks the dragon right back into her face

>Scared, confused, and obviously a school bully, the dragon makes use of her feeble dragon wings and lifts off, thinking I cannot follow

>Foolish beast, she has not the slightest inkling of whom I am, what I have done, and the many tragedies that plague my dark and mysterious past

>I take out my accursed sword, Inflatia, and call upon her power once more

>"Hmmm… forgive me, master, but I must go all out— just this once!"

>"Let us do this together, my old friend!" The sword calls out, knowing what must be done

>I jab the accursed blade up my rectum, until the hilt seals my hind end shut and not a wisp of air escapes

>"HMMM… INFLATUS MAKUS!" I mutter the incantation only known to those of the Uchiha clan

>With no where to go, the gas fills me from the inside, it's power expands my body outwards, positively

>I begin to float upwards, and within moments, I catch up to the dragon as it runs like the coward all dragons are!

>"NO! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! I AM A DRAGON, I WILL NOT LOSE TO THE LIKES OF YOU MORTALS!"

>"HMMMM… NOTHING PERSONNEL, KIDDO!"

>As the dragon swings around to face me, it is stunned to realize it is merely gazing upon my after image, like a fool

>I have already teleported behind her, knife drawn to her throat

>Slowly, I cut, and cut deep. Spurts of blood shoot forth violently, as I cooly slice and dice the dragon into a million different pieces, then promptly resurrect her only to eat her up my butt

>It is far more delectable that way

>I remove the cursed blade from my rectum and deflate back to the lands I call home, triumph once more

>Evil monsters beware, for the time of smite hath come

>For I am, Sir Farz, the sniffer!

>>330284

I must say good sir knight. ''Tis a harrowing tale indeed. I remember my first adventures slaying lesser creatures. I should enjoy greatly to quest along with such a fine and upstanding knight.

>>330371

>>330374

Pic related

Reminder that paladins only exist to be raped.

>>330388

What's wrong with reveling in bloodshed? Asking for a friend

>>330323

>>330340

Not to stick my nose in business where it does not belong, but I can say, with extreme certainty, that cursed equipment can do more than alp paladins…

Trust me, I just so happen to know.

A reminder brothers, those who reject the monster girls here on Earth will be rewarded with a true woman after death. Ilias rewards the faithful.

>>330408

>thinking all paladins serve the shittiest god

Palanon pls.

All praise Sigmar, faggots.

Finally a place to speak with fellow servants of the lord, how do you do fellow paladins upholding your sacred duties i hope.

>>330675

>>330684

Here's a picture of Astolfo as a grill.

it's a shame. His design hits a lot of my strike zones, particularly his hairstyle. But, the problem is it's HIS design.