/monster/ - The Last Bastion of Romance★

>>328262

OH BOY ALREADY BACK ON MR. BONE'S WILD RIDE

>>328262

Jesus Christ Anon already? We haven't even started yet and the paladin is already killing himself again. At least let the ball get rolling before we go in balls deep. At this point we may as well call this a continuation of the last CYOA and reveal that Mon-ville is actually Detroit.

>>328272

>He doesn't know how bad it already is with an immediate 20 to suicide spectacularly

Rolled 10 (1d20)

>>328256 (OP)

>Angry Paladinu is back

yay

>>328272

What self-respecting paladin doesn't have an RPG?

Rolling that after we shoot santa we become santa

>>328256 (OP)

Good to see you're back so soon. I look forward to seeing how this story will turn out. Hopefully we can get off the ride in time.

>>328262

Made me chuckle so I made this.

>>328424

>Just as the slope ends I jump off my dragon-board and bid her farewell

"Godspeed, you magnificent bastard"

>Now then to ruin Christmas

>I head into the town square and scan the sky for the fat bastard

>There right in front of the moon casting a perfect silhouette

>This for giving me coal for 22 years straight

>I pull the trigger and manage hit the sled showering the whole town square in fiery toys and crushed dreams

>Suddenly all the lights in everyone's houses turn on, most likely to see what all the commotion is

>Perfect, now everyone can witness it was me again who ruined Christmas forever. And not just Christmas for this town but for everyone all over the flat earth

>Not that it wouldn't be a surprise, but I'd like to make sure they get a good picture of me with Santa's smoldering hat

>I scan the wreckage for a good minute but find nothing

"Where the fuck could that fat ass go?"

>Just as I utter those words a corpse falls from the sky

>Well that answers that

>I bend down and take the hat off the corpse but find it to be a dummy

>"Omae wa mou shindeiru"

"Nani!?

>What? But how did he get behind me?

>It's over

>He's gonna give me a piece of coal and put me on the naughty list for all eternity

>Then he'll challenge me to a children card game and send me to the shadow realm

>Wait but not if I follow what Sun Tzu always said

>I shoulder my RPG-7 and utter the ancient wisdom of that Chinese cunt

"Watch the back-blast you idiot" - Sun Tzu

>Not aiming at anything in particular, I pull the trigger and turn anything, or in thing case anyone, into candy canes, peppermint and crushed childhood dreams

>I turn around to see that he really did turn into peppermint and candy canes

>Just as everyone finally wakes up from the second blast and sees what I have done, children start crying, teens are thrown into their edgy phase and college students turn into neets

>Laughing harder than seeing a centaur trying to fit in an elevator, I fail to see that most parents have surrounded me

>They probably want to lynch me now or something

>But I won't even give them the satisfaction of that

>I pull out my Samsung Galaxy note 7 and plug in the charger causing it to overheat and blow me up

>I fall into darkness and keep falling till it gets fuckin' boring

>Then I keep falling

>Is this like one of those bullshit loading screens in video games?

>I eventually land into witness stand

>I look up to see valkyrie in front of me, giving me that pissy look they always give

<"Merovech you've been sent here to due to your transactions on the mortal plane, for destroying the most sacred holiday to both man and monster: Christmas"

<"How do you plea?"

>Hmmm how do I plea

1. Plea guilty and try for a bargain

2. Plea innocent and try to bullshit your way through

3. CUNT PUNT

4. I always carry two Samsung Galaxy note 7's

5. Hang on don't I get a lawyer or some shit?

Rolled 19 (1d20)

>>328433

Challenge her to a duel. Northern tradition dictates that winning a duel is seen as a god given victory to any argument. If you beat her she will concede that killing that fat pagan as the right thing to do. If she's a shield-maiden she might even become your wife.

Rolled 10 (1d20)

>>328445

But not just any duel, we have to challenge her to a CHILDREN CARD GAME duel and send her to the Shadow Realm.

>>328433

"Uhhhhh… I challenge you to duel!"

<"On what grounds?"

>Shit

"On the uhhhh… grounds that you're a cunt"

<"Mhm. Can we continue the trial now?"

>Wait, trial

"I mean: I challenge you to, trial by combat!"

<"Your Honor, this man is clearly trying to weasel his way out of a proper trial. Can we please remove him from the witness stand and continue in the proceedings?"

>We both look to the angel judge

>Only to see that she is on her phone playing, judging from the sounds, Candy Crush

>The valkyrie prosecutor, trying to get the attention of the judge gives universal uniplanar? sound of "Get the fuck off your phone

<"Ahem!"

>The angel judge throws her phone right at the valkyrie, hitting her square in her cunt knocking her to the ground

<"TWO-THOUSAND FIVE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FUCKING-NINE! THAT WAS THE LEVEL YOU JUST FUCKING MESSED ME UP ON! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY LIVES I SPENT ON THIS FUCKING LEVEL? FORTY-FUCKING-SIX AND NOW YOU COME ALONG AND MAKE ME WASTE MY LAST LIFE! NOW I HAVE TO WAIT THIRTY MINUTES JUST TO TRY AGAIN!"

>Damn… I knew people played the shit outta Candy Crush but I didn't know they went berserk over a fuckin' mobile game

>The angel judge slumps back into her chair dejected that now she just shattered her phone on a valkyrie's pubic bone

<"You know what? Fine, go ahead, you got you're duel. Now kick her ass for me"

"Actually I wanted to challenge her to a children's card game"

<"Which one?"

"Yu-Gi-Oh"

>She snaps her fingers and two duel disks with cards in them appear

<"Also can you toss me my phone?"

>I grab whats left of the phone and its case, then I toss it back up

<"Fucking OtterBox and their bullshit ass 'Never breaks case'"

>After the valkyrie is done picking pieces of phone shrapnel out of her cooch, I toss her a duel disk

"Alright time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel"

>The valkyrie looks at me like I just stroke or something

<"Did you just have a stroke or something?"

"Just a minor one"

"Well I just go first then"

>Hmmmmm… What to play? Oh, I know

"I play the magic card pot of greed, it allows me to draw two cards from my deck"

<"Yeah, well I play-"

"I won"

<"What?"

"I. Won. Didn'tcha hear me?"

<"HOW!?"

"Exoida, that's how. I collected all the parts needed. Now, Exodia obliterate!"

>We both just stand there awkwardly looking at each other while the sound of a cricket girl making that stupid chirping noise breaks the silence

"I'll take it, uh, that we don't have those holographic projectors do we?"

>I ask the angel judge

<"No. That shit is expensive"

"Well I'll just have to do the next best thing"

>I run forward and like the kickoff at a football game I punt that valkyrie's cunt, sending her right through the stained glass window

<"Well, due to trial by combat, I Asariel Judge of Mt. Celestial (court number 253), find you not guilty. Now get the fuck out of here"

>A blue portal opens up right in front of me

"Sweet. Hey wait where does this lead?"

>The judge jumps over her bench and shrugs her shoulders

<"I dunno"

>I look closer at the blue transdimensional flesh light

"Well can't ya give me a guesstamation?"

<"Uhhhh… Not Hell? (I think)"

>Hmmmm… Now what to do?

1. Nothing ventured nothing gained

2. Go fuck shit up

3. Try to find a more reassuring way home

4. How many licks does it take to get to the center of cyanide pill?

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>328674

Demand that the angel reset the portal to Detroit. We need a way back so grab the little miss tightly as you go through. You can't destroy a whole holiday and all that it stands for single-handed. So we need a partner with experience in ruining other people's shit. Glorious tag teaming fun times awaits!

>>328674

>Well whatever trials or tribulations I'll face on the other side of that portal, not doubt they would make me stronger in body and soul

"Peace nigga"

>I cover my face with my hands and walk through

>One stomach churning portal hop, that would make a shoggoth puke, later

>I land face first into a pile of snow

>I look up from my snow white facial to take in my surroundings

>Did this portal just drop my off in the Northern Wastes or Southern Wastes? Or hell this could be anywhere in the goddamn planes for all I know. But I'll just say it's the Northern Wastes for simplicity sake.

>I jump up and look around to see that my only friends here are jagged rocks, ice canyons, a log cabin and caves shaped like like mouths with jutting teeth and all

>Wait a second

>Caves shaped like mouths? Somebody must've had a vore fetish

>Just then a gust of wind blows through causing my testicles to shrivel up inside of my stomach.

>Well it's cold af but it could be worse

>*Cue monster roar*

"Hey wait a second, I know that roar"

>I turn around to the sound of the roar

>It's a…

"HYDRA"

>Wait she's like 4 football fields away, I don't need to worry

>Come to think of it how can a cold blood creature survive so far north, without hibernating?

>And how can a creature survive having it's head cut off or being disemboweled, yet just regenerate all it's injur-

>And now she's only 2 football fields away

>I should go

>As much as I would to practice my long distance running in sub-zero temperatures, I think it would be best to go someplace warmer where my balls aren't all the way in my throat

>I make a tactical retreat to the only sanctuary out here, a vore fetishists dream, a cave

>I jump down dodging stalactites/stalagmites? I dunno the difference

>Finishing my game "Dodge the sharp pieces of ice growing out of every-fucking-direction or you'll get gored" I sit at the bottom of my new home and laugh at the overgrown lizard

>She breaths a gout of flame melting all the pieces of glass

>Well my balls aren't in my throat anymore but I'm about to be in her throat

>Wait do monster girls even eat men? And not in that way

>She tries to slide down the same route I took but she's too big to fit through the entrance

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

>I wipe the tears from my eyes and try to formulate a insult

"Fat-ass, bitch-ass, scalie-ass, multiheaded-ass, ugly-ass, molting on your period-ass, virgin-ass, flightless lizard-ass-"

>Just then in a magical puff of smoke she transforms into a much more humanoid form

>Wow, she really does look like a dragon girl now, minus the wings

>Wait she also only has one fuckin' head, where's the logic in that?

>Oh yeah, I should probably run now, considering I don't have weapon

>Unless you count unwavering faith and a hatred of Christmas, weapons

>>328877

>I route another tactical retreat further into the cave

>I keep running in total darkness till I fall down another hole

>Weeeeeeeeeeee, another fucking slide

>This one much smaller sends me around like a roller coaster till it spits me out at a much higher point outside

>How the fuck does that work, I dunno

>It's probably due to the unholy magic that pretty much mutated all the creatures and geography here

>Oh yeah I'm still falling right now, so let's hope that the snow is soft

>After getting a helmet full of God's frozen splooge, I look up and see the log cabin

>Fuckin' railroading piece of shit magical fucky wasteland

>I enter the dinky fuckin' cabin and see it's much bigger on the inside That's what she said

>It's also filled with candy canes, milk n' cookies, decorated pine trees (considering I didn't see nary a tree outside, sumtin' ain't right ere') and

"PRESENTS"

>I run to the tree with the presents underneath it and start to tear into it

>A motherfuckin' sword? Wait there's a tag on it

"To: Ciri From: Santa. Well shieeeeet, mine now"

>Now to test it. I slash at the tree chopping in two

>I examine the two parts of the tree I cut

"Like butter through a hot knife"

>Wait…

>Something isn't right with the floor

>It sounds… hollow

>I flip up the carpet to see a trap door

>Now what do we have ere'?

>I unlock the hatch and sneak a peek through, trying to scout out what horrors could lie underneath-

>And it's Elves or is it Elfs? I can say here I'm seriously disappointed.

>I look down again to get a better look at the dirty knife eared bastards

>Why the fuck are they all wearing, green stocking caps, green shortcut crop tops and green miniskirts?

>Also those fuckin' jingly boots with the bells too

>And why are there piles of assembled toys around them?

>Right when I was about to reach a conclusion about these Christmas themed slutty Elfs (Elves?)

>I hear loud banging on the door

>Who the fuck is out here in the middle of godsdammit nowhere, the mailman?

>I look up at the door and see a red jacket with white fur trims and a red stocking cap

>And a fake white beard? what…

>What the fuck should I do?

1. Go fuck up some Elves (Elfs?)

2. Disguises are for pussies

3. Disguises ain't for pussies

4. KMS

>>328878

>Well whoever is on the other side of this door is gonna be turned into a kebab

>But not before I put on the disguise

>Don't wanna get my armor covered in blood

>That shit is a pain to clean out, ya know?

>I wait for the person outside to knock again, then I thrust my sword through the wood till it hilts out in the decorative wooden door

>I keep the blade there but don't feel anything struggling

>Usually when people get stabbed they say things like "Ouch" or groan in pain at the least. And I should know from experience

>I kick the sword by the pommel pushing it the rest of the way through, just to make sure whoever is on the other side is impaled

>I open the door, only to see a man in gas-mask, duster coat, jeans, and riot armor… with a sword sticking out of his chest

>What the fuck?

>He suddenly starts to lean forward!

>Then falls face first into the ground…

>Well that was anti-climatic. I pull my sword out of him and start to rummage through his my stuff

Equipment gained

>Shitload of grenades

>Platinum chip

>Superheated Saturnite fist

>150,653 Caps

>Carton of cigarettes

>The rest of his shit is just conventional weaponry and that shit is boring so imma be like a dryad and just leaf it

>Oh wait I gotta take his watch

>After tearing off the fuckin' miniature apple 2 off his arm I put it on

>Wait this thing gets music?

>I've got spurs that jingle jangle jingle

>While listening to old time tunes, I notice a note in the messages box while playing old time tunes

>Patrolling the Mojave almost makes you wish for a nuclear winter

>It's just copy pasted over, over, over, over and over again

>Well that was weird

>Anyways time to head down below and

REMOVE ELF(ELVE)

>I pull the pin on a grenade and set it by the hatch, while setting alight a cigarette with my Superheated Saturnite fist

>I jump down the hatch to see all the Elves(Elfs) staring at me

"I came here to kill mailmen and fist Elfs(Elves). And I'm all outta mailmen"

>I flick my cigarette to the floor only for it to ignite in a burst of flame

"What the…"

>I turn around and see a dozens of red barrels behind me

>And if videogames taught me anything, the red barrels always

EXPLODE

>The flame quickly spread to the barrels lighting them on fire

ILLIAS AKBAR.gif

>I'm sent flying through the workshop till land into a pile of toys

"At least they don't make toys out of flammable materials anym-"

>They explode again sending my flying into another pile of toys

>This process repeats at least 4 times till I land into a pile of beanie babies which only set alight and don't explode

>I quickly get off the pile of beanie babies, praying that those stories of them being filled with spider eggs isn't true

>Many of the Elves(Elfs) are running around crying and screaming

>Fuckin' babies. It's only a little bit of fire

>Suddenly someone hits the fire alarm, setting off the roof sprinklers

>The fired quickly died down, which doesn't make sense considering most of the fire was chemical and water doesn't put out chemical fires

>Probably fuckin' magic vitamin water or some bullshit. These are Elfs(Elves) we're talking about

"Well now that is taken care of. Line up so I can slap the shit out of each one of you, you fuckin' knife ears"

>They all pull out bows and arrows

>Knowing Elves(Elfs) they're probably 20 lbs bow; as it's the only bow they can pull back fully

>I start walking towards them prepared to give them the fisting of the century

>They all let go of their draw strings launching a pincushion of arrows at me

>I'm prepared to laugh at their feeble attempts to kill me

>But then most of the arrows suddenly change direction to the gaps and weak points in my armor

"OH SHIT"

>I jump behind a work desk picking out arrows from my armpits, back of my knees, helmet, etc.

"FUCKIN' TRUEFLIGHT CHEATING FAGGOTS"

>I peek my head above the desk to see where they are. Only to get a shitload of arrows going for my eyes

>Alright grenade time

>I pull the pins and let go of the levers, then I toss them overhead

>They quickly get shot out of the air, landing right in front of me

>I kick them away before I get shrapnel'd

>I look around for an escape or a way to defeat them

>I see an office. I could make a run for it

>I notice a stray beanie baby, quizzically I pick it up and feel something squirming underneath

>Well those rumors just might've been true

>Hmmmm… These are Elfs(Elves) we're talking about

>Perhaps I could feint a surrender?

>Just then a arrow goes overhead then takes a 90° turn and embeds itself into ground next to me

>I should probably choose quickly

1. Route test: Failed

2. Nobody likes spider not even driders

3. Real not-real surrender

4. Gimme a do-over

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>329088

Toss a good handful of the soft toys into the air to draw their fire. Follow up with a grenade. Hopefully they will be too focused on the first volley that they won't have time to reload. Fist until fluffy with a slight crisp. We need information about this place so keep two alive that can tell us to how traverse the workshop safely.

>>329088

>I got a plan

>And it's a good one at that

>I grab a spider filled beanie baby and tear its head off

>Quickly pulling a pin from a grenade I stuff it down the open neck of the spider stuffed toy

>I make sure to let the grenade cook a bit

>Shaking my hand of any stray spiderlings. I toss the spiderbomb at those knife eared fuckers

>Unsurprisingly I can hear the twang of bowstrings being let go, but those are quickly drowned out by the sound of a grenade going off

>Though I may be covered in spiderlings and my ears are ringing quite fuckin' badly, nonetheless, I take a peek from the side of the work desk to see if my plan worked

>Bingo. They're running around screamin' like chicken with their heads cut off

>Wait chickens can't scream if their heads are cut off…

>That might just be the sleep deprivation talkin'

>Anyways, better not to dwell on semantics.

>I charge the panzy green skirt zogs

>First step: Fist until fluffy with a slight crisp

>I run my fist into the stomach of the first Elf(Elve) I see and, for a lack of better words, knock her up

>I drop kick the second into the rest of them, knocking them over like dominoes

>The, uhhhh, toy not the pizza. Not sure I needed to clarify that but I sure could go for some pizza

>Standing there lording over them I prepare to give them the beat down of the century

"Hope y'all got insurance, cause you gonna wish ya did when I'm done with ya"

>I can hear the audible gulps from the prone dendrophiliacs

>I work my way up and down the line of Elves(Elfs) beating them senseless, leaving two of them awake

>I briefly consider cutting their heads from their shoulders and adding their skulls to the skull throne

>But then I realize that is a completely different god that I do not worship, and those who do worship that god are hunted down and executed

>Well maybe not in these lands, but everywhere else they are

>I'll have to flagellate myself for such an idea, later though

>I grab the two knife ears and prop them against a work desk using the threat of dousing them in spiderlings from a stray beanie baby I found lying next to us

"Alright ya two, I'm gonna let y'all tell me about this place right here, and if ya don't I'll shove this beanie baby so far up your asses that you'll both be shitting out cobwebs for months"

<"B-but you only have one…"

"DID I FUCKIN' S-S-S-STUTTER?"

<"Well, uh, technically…"

>This gall of this bitch

>I grab her by the stocking cap and bend her over, proceeding to give her a prostate exam with the help of doctor beanie baby

>Right in the view of the other Elf(Elve)

"Now, are ya gonna 'ave a smart mouth like your friend?"

>She just shakes her head no

"Good, now tell me, how do I get outta here without being merc'd?"

<"We have no traps, we are the only defense Santa-"

"SANTA?"

<"Yes Santa, you don't need to yell. I'm right in front of you"

"Well ya should know, that I killed that jolly bastard. And now you're unemployed"

>She looks at me confused. Like I just told her that I found a way to make cait siths not complete shit

<"Santa can't be killed he-"

"HE WHAT?"

<"Holy shit stop fucking interrupting me every five seconds, please?"

>I roll my eyes and just gesture her to keep expositioning

<"As I was saying. Santa can't be killed, he's a being born from belief, a god if you would, granted one of low power since all he can do is gift presents to good little children and gift coal to bad ones"

"Yeah well, that nigga has been giving me coal for twenty-two years, an' ya know how old am I?"

>She just shrugs her shoulders

"Twenty-fuckin'-two. But I digress, let's get down to business I want to rid that fat bastard from the world forever, how am I going to do that?"

<"I-I-I Can't tell you…"

>>329229

>I grab her by her hair and pull her over

<"OK. OK. OK. I'll tell you, but we have to be quiet"

<"Santa didn't just come from nowhere, he was an idea thought up by some yokels in the middle of Norway at first but then (((they))) got an idea"

"Who is they and what was their idea?"

<"No not they (((them))) and their idea was to market Santa all over the world, so that people would spend money on gifts, presents and most importantly shipping "

"Nigga, you cannot be serious…"

>I pinch the bridge of my helmet and sigh

"You're telling me that the fuckin' mail service industry is in cahoots with the toy companies to make more money off a holiday by plagiarizing some ancient Norwegian goat fucker, pretty much forcing parents to buy their kids toys, then making everyone drink the kool-aid so much that through sheer belief, that he became real."

"And wouldn't they want him gone? So they could go back to selling toys for exorbitant prices on the holidays"

"Unless… They wan't Santa around so they could market him, like Coca-Cola does. And if Santa is found supporting the business that created him through commercials people will begin to believe it, at which point Santa will become a puppet of the corporations and thus a puppet of (((THEM)))"

<"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU JUST SAID OUT LOUD?"

"Ow you don't have to fuckin' yell"

<"(((They))) could have been listening in on us with a wire-tap or a bug and now'll they kill us for figuring scheme."

<"We're fucking dead. Game over man, GAME OVER!"

>I bring her back on her knees and slap the shit outta her

"GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!"

"I doesn't matter anymore, what matters now is how do I stop them from gaining control of Santa"

>She eventually stops hyperventilating through my expert calming slapping

<"Y-you're right, it doesn't matter. What does matter is stopping those bastards"

<"I can only think of two ways to stop those fuckers. (((They))) always have a corporate meeting at this time of year to discuss how to further for the kool-aid down people's throats, if you can make it, you can stop them from controlling Santa.

"What if that fails?"

>She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes

<"If all else fails then you will have to destroy the chaos gate to the north and kill Santa, that would stop him from ever returning"

>Shit choices… choices…

1. Go fuck (((them))) up

2. Go plagiarize reference that shit in the north

3. Beat that fat fuck up in the afterlife

Rolled 11 (1d20)

>>329230

3. We tried to kill santa to ruin christmas forever, and we are going to finish the job.

Rolled 8 (1d20)

>>329230

Kill the elves and go gas some Jews.

>>329803

>I just see office workers in their buttoned up shirts and ties on the ground with eggnog spilled over them cowering in fear

>And a tree with multiple presents underneath

>These aren't the people I'm looking for, but tis the season

>I steal collect my presents and turn my sled around

>Alright, well at least that wasn't a bust

>Time for the next sky rise

>I spot one with a low light in one of the upper floors

>I crash into this one but the glass is much thicker and turns what's left of my front two reindeer into ground beef and the rest into tiny chunks ready for the grill

>I look around this time and see no party but a room with a, ruined, desk and… legos strewn about the ground?

>While I pick pieces of tempered glass out of my armor, the door handle jingles and starts to open

>An anubis comes pushing the door open with her behind while carrying a tray of hot chocolate, marshmallows and s'mores

>She turns around and drops the tray, taking out her earbuds

>She just stares blankly at me and the legos on the ground

>She then falls to her knees and starts to pick up what's left of the pieces while silently sobbing

>She finds a two 2x4 lego plates stuck together and starts running around the room searching in the gore and glass for… something

>She springs up and in her hands a broken brick separator. In the moment she found it broken I saw something inside her break

>She then starts mumbling to herself

<"I'll- I'll- I'll- I'll-"

>Alright consider me fuckin' freaked out. I would back up but considering I'm balancing the sled on the window sill, I don't wanna take my chances

<"Do you know what you've done?"

>She sounds like she's about to fuckin' go postal

"I destroyed a lego build, who cares just build it again, isn't that the fun of it?"

<"It wasn't just a box of legos that you can build into anything, it was a set"

<"IT WAS A LEGO STAR DESTROYER, COLLECTORS EDITION, IT COSTED ME FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS"

"Woah, calm the fuck down"

==<"CALM DOWN? YOU JUST BARGE INTO MY OFFICE DESTROYED MY DESK AND ALL MY HARD WORK AND YOU TELL ME TO 'CALM DOWN'?"

>She starts walking towards the sled while climbing up onto, as to be able to scream into my ear more effectively

<"I HAD TO PUT THAT ON LAY AWAY FOR MONTHS SO THOSE OTHER ANUBISES WON'T GET THEIR DIRTY PAWS ON MY PRECIOUS BUILD, AND NOW THANKS TO YOU I'LL BE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF ALL MY FRIENDS."

>At this point she's right in my face bitching me out while the sled is tipping back and forth

"Ya know what?"

<"WHAT?"

>I slap her across the cheek sending her into the side of the sled and stand up over her

"I'M NOT ABOUT TO TAKE SOME BULLSHIT FROM SOME AUTISTIC ANUBIS WHO PROBABLY CAN'T EVEN GET A BOYFRIE-"

>The sled starts tip sending us plummeting into the streets below

>Luckily a slime girl breaks out fall and we both survive with minor sprains and fractures

>We both fall out of the sled and into the cold snow

>Just then the anubis starts crying, like really crying, not softly, but straight up bawling eyes out and melting snow with her tears

>Holy shit this is embarrassing, if I was her I would just kill myself

>Normally I wouldn't care but, it doesn't help that many couples are walking around while seeing me and the anubis, thus assuming were together, and thus assuming I did something wrong

>Before I beat it like a nigga from a crime scene, I realize something

>She might know where (((they))) could be havin' (((their))) meeting

>Shit, choices, choices…

1. Bully the anubis till she tells you

2. Make her stop crying and then make her tell you

3. Lol not my problem-o

4. Grab some glass and turn the snow pink

>>329804

You can't bully her, that's exactly what she wants, bully her and she wins. Just go with 2. And make her tell you.

Rolled 3 (1d20)

>>329804

Bully the autist and go gas (((them))).

As well we should do what >>329821 said.

>>329804

>Hmmmm, I don't want to walk in the snow, and the autismo-wan might know where the nearest synagogue is

>I got the perfect idea

>I put the sled back onto it's whe- uhhhh, skis?

>I then run over to the anubis and put her back onto her feet

<"What now?"

>Her face is still covered in tears and as red as my hands when the teacher slapped them with the ruler

"What's your name?"

<"Why do you wan't to know?"

"So I can properly apologize to you"

>She perks up and wipes away her snot and tears onto her jacket

>Fuckin' ewwww

<"Olive…"

"Well Olive, it just so happens that-"

BOOOOOM

>A well timed explosion from her office signifying that the Elf(Elve) was serious

<"What was that?"

"Reindeer explosion. Anyways, as I was saying, it just so happens that I lost Olive my other reindeer and need someone to pull my sled"

>She visibly cringes at the name pun

<"You aren't saying what I think you're saying, are you?"

>I give her the smuggest I can give, which isn't much, considering that I'm wearing a helmet

>I pick up a rein and clean off the snaffle bit in the snow

"Come 'er, sled dog"

>She tries to run away but I grab her tail and pull her back to me

<"Let go of me! You-you…"

<"DOUBLE PALADINDU"

>I mean I wasn't gonna feel bad about doing this, but if I was, I wouldn't feel bad about it now

>I jam the snaffle bit into her mouth and strap the rest around her, tightening it so she can't weasel out of it

>I jump back into the sled and snap the reins

"Mush"

>And she just stands there like an idiot

>I guess she'll need some 'encouragement'

>One of the presents I stole from the holiday party must have something I can use

>Coffee cups, no. Drinking flask, no. A whip and a festive candy cane pattern collar, now this can work

>I put the collar around her neck along with a stocking cap I stole from the slime girl we crushed

>I snap the whip right behind her causing her to jump

"MUSH, YA STUPID DOG"

>She seems to be trying but no trying hard enough

>I whip right next to her ear causing her to jump like a scared cat girl

>That gets her goin'

>She's sprinting like a bat outta hell errrrr, hellhound outta hell?

"Take me to the nearest synagogue, ya mutt"

>I don't know if she heard me but this sure is fun

>After riding down street after street, catching the eyes of many passerby's, and giving her proper 'encouragement' along the way, we finally reach a synagogue

>She drops to the snow huffing, puffing and wheezing

>It's nice and cool outside so I won't have to worry about her overheating

>Anyways, I kick down the door and see naught but a lone rabbi tending to the candles

"I KNOW YOU KNOW WHERE (((THEY))) ARE YOU (((JEW))). NOW TELL ME"

>"I have no idea what you are talking about child"

>He thinks I'm a fuckin' idiot

"I know how this goes, you're gonna ask me to talk for a bit about my abusive childhood then send me home with some latkes, that you poison with your filthy (((jew))) magic, and if that doesn't kill me you're gonna call your (((friends))) to take care of me"

>"Enough of this. Leave now or I'll call the police!"

"You mean '(((police)))'"

>Pulls out his phone and starts tapping on the screen

>Sensing that he's going to cast one of his (((spells))) I throw a candle at him

>He easily catches fire. It's almost as if he was… flammable

>While he's busy burning I run around searching for a secret entrance to his underground base

>Nothing. He must've have hidden it too well for me, it doesn't matter anyway, this whole place will burn

>I walk from the 'holy' place and poke at the autismo-wan

"Wake up, I need to axe ya a question"

>Her face still in the snow she replies with a muffled

<"What?"

"Where do (((they))) meet up?"

>She picks her head up and looks at me confused

<"Who are they?"

"Not 'they' (((they)))"

>Her eyes widen as she finally understands

<"I've read about (((them))) on the /human/ board. Most people on there blame (((them))) for the reason they can't get a boyfriend or when anything bad happens in their life"

<"And I'll admit that I have cursed their name too. B-but on anonymous message boards"

>She can't even be open with her anti-antisemitism

>>330048

>This is were the fun begins

>I turn the valve on the propane tank, letting the gas seep out

>I light it but all it does is create a small blowtorch

>In my panic I snuff the flames and look to see if they noticed me

>Oh thanks the Silver Flame they're watching The Wolf of Wall Street and don't notice the smell of burning gas

>It's that fuckin' scene were they're selling shit stocks to rich retards

>They're all fuckin' dying of laughter and so am I

>Wait, no. I can watch that shit later, right now I gotta job

>I turn the gas back on and sit back, listenin' to their conversations

(((<"So did you hear what happened at the workshop?")))

(((<"Hmmm? The ones in China or the ones in Vietnam?" )))

(((<"Neither, Santa's workshop. Some paladindu broke in and completely wrecked the place, busted all the cameras in a explosion too.")))

(((<"We also go news from some backwater incest town that Santa had been killed by another paladindu. I think we got a connection here")))

(((<"That's crazy. How could a paladin, a normal human, go all the way from that shitty little town to the north pole in less than one night?")))

(((<"Magic?")))

>They all look at the one (((danuki))) and in unison tell her

(((<"SHUT UP ABIGAIL!")))

(((<"Listen! All I'm saying is that he did something impossible by doing something impossible.")))

(((<"Listen. Everyone just shut up, I've sent a assassin to deal with whoever broke into the workshop and that's that. Besides, Abigail, everyone knows that your husband handles the business deals.")))

(((<"Why you little…")))

>They all start going at each others throats

>I would be worried that they might kill each other before I get to kill them but then I remember they're (((danukis))) and they'd probably, at worst, get a broken nail

>Just then I hear a loud thunk hit my helmet

"What the fuck?"

>I pull out the object and see it's a throwing star

>What kinda weeb actually tries to kill people with a throwing star?

>I turn my head down the hall to see a kunoichi

>Ohhhh… that kinda weeb

>Well I'm in no hurry I turn the valve down so that it doesn't fill the room to quickly while I beat this bitch back to the Edo era

>She throws another throwing star, but this one just embeds itself in my breastplate

>And another one in my pauldron

>And another in my tassel… She's determined I'll give'r that

>She pulls out her katana and starts jumping off the walls and doing flips that would make spider-man blush

>With blade overhead she brings it down onto my armor

>Completely shattering the blade upon impact

>She drops the rest of her sword and stands there in awe

>Finished chuckling to myself about glorious nippon steel folded over 10^69 times

>I grab her by the throat and walk to a window

>Kicking the glass breaking it, I utter my first and last words to her

"BEGONE"

"THOT"

>I look down to see that halfway down her fall she disappears in a puff of smoke

"What?"

<"Yare yare daze"

>She kicks me down the same window I threw her ass down

>Fuckin' cheatin' teleportin' spade tail ass weeb

*Meanwhile on the ground*

>"Jeez Frank, who would order a trampoline at this time of night?"

>"Don't care Charles we getting paid double overtime for this"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

>"Uhhh… Frank? do you hear dat?"

>"Can we please just drop this thing off and fuck off, my balls are covered in icicles"

>"JESUS Frank did you just see that? Some guy in armor fell from the building, bounced on the trampoline and is now bouncing back up!"

>"Should we call the police"

>"Nope. Now get the fuck back in the truck before a yuki-onna gets you"

*Back to the top*

>Miraculously bouncing back from the trampoline to the same window that I just came out of I land back inside to see the kunoichi on her phone

>I saunter up behind her and deliver a kick to her taco so hard that it's a tortilla now

>Still shaken by my 800 ft fall I walk back to the room and fall back down near my propane tank

(((<"Do any of you smell rotten eggs?")))

>One of them jumps up in surprise, most likely warned by her Jew-sense

(((<"That's not rotten eggs you idiots thats-")))

>I light a match and toss it in blowing the room to smithereens and sending me back crashing into the office, destroying cubicles, computers and copiers

>With a few broken ribs I start makin' my way down to the entrance and walk out

>There can't be no evidence if everything was destroyed

>I check my list twice

>Jews killed [✔]

>Santa killed [✔]

>Christmas is ruined for everyone [✔]

>Well I got nothing to do now besides go home and take a fuckin' nap and wait for next year

>>330592