[–]▶ 9256d7 (6) No.322127>>322134 >>322139 >>322140 >>322144 >>322221 >>322558 >>322594 [Watch Thread][Show All Posts]
>Be me paladindu
>Decide I wanna be a hellhound for halloween
>Paint my helmet black
>Put a shitty black wig on my head
>Mix gasoline and styrofoam to make napalm and put it on my visor
>Take a step outside and light my napalm coated visor
>Kids ask me what I am and I tell them
"I'm a hellnigger"
>Parents quickly cover their children's ears and scowl at me like I did something wrong
>Go to the first house of the night
>It's some shitty baphomet handing out pamphlets about how great the Sabbath is
>Call her jailbait then light the pamphlet on fire and throw it back at her
>after that the owners of every other house I go to mysteriously disappear when I got to the porch, then reappear when I leave
>Reach the end of my neighborhood and it's final house
>Knock on the door
>Take a look around the house, broken windows, dead tree with crows in it staring at me, skeleton which I'm pretty sure is the real deal.
>Hang on. Isn't this house supposed to be haunted or something?
>Door opens and a pale looking girl wearing a very sultry dress opens it
>Can't get a very good look at her face or anything else for that matter, it's really dark inside
"Uhhhh. Trick or treat?"
<"And what are you supposed to be?"
>Her voice is flat, for the lack of a better word, dead
"A hellhound. So you got candy or what?"
>I'm trying to get a better read on what she is, but I'm not like those autistic paladins who spend all their time hunting undead
>And the napalm smoke getting into my eyes isn't helping either
<"I have some, but it's inside, if you were to follow me…"
>Her voice trails off as she gestures to the tenebrous insides
>If this isn't sketchy as fuck, I don't know what is. Although I do want candy and this is the only house still open by now.
>Of course I could just egg, tp, smash mailboxes, etc. on the houses that cheaped out on me.
>So what should I do?
Roll d20 and I'll pick the most popular/highest roll choice, unless it's a nat 20 or a 1 then I'll pick those.
▶ a623a9 (1) No.322130
 | Rolled 7 (1d20) |
Go in and steal her whole stash of candy, gotta live up to stereotypes
▶ f8d558 (1) No.322134
| Rolled 14 (1d20) |
>>322127 (OP)
Wait, didn't those PSAs tell us not to go into peoples' houses? Eh, fuck that. That shit's for nerds. Swagger on in, but take a crap on her doormat first.
▶ 2807e4 (1) No.322139
| Rolled 11 (1d20) |
>>322127 (OP)
Apply additional napalm to make it look extra spooky and go nuts. You gotta show those nerds down the street who's got the greatest costume and act.
▶ 133d11 (2) No.322140
| Rolled 9 (1d20) |
>>322127 (OP)
Say "KONO DIO DA!", rip off the mask reveiling perfect blond hair, kick the door in, and run away.
▶ 999074 (1) No.322144
| Rolled 14 (1d20) |
>>322127 (OP)
Your napalm mask accidentally sets the place on fire
▶ ccd6f8 (1) No.322150
| Rolled 10 (1d20) |
A paladindu cyoa, nice.
Swagger in with maximum overswag then trip and get a handful
▶ 01519e (1) No.322166
| Rolled 4 (1d20) |
She isn't clearly some kind of undead monster. She must be purged!
▶ 28123c (2) No.322207
| Rolled 10 (1d20) |
Activate the dick, illicit confusion.
▶ 9256d7 (6) No.322221>>322228 >>322230 >>322247 >>322286 >>322301 >>322465
>>322127 (OP)
>Well shit. Even if it's a trap, the candy will be worth it.
>I quickly reach into my bag of holding and pull out extra styrofoam and gasoline Never know when you're gonna need to burn a heretic
>Mixing and applying the napalm right in front of her, she looks at me like I'm crazy
>At this point my helmet is starting to turn into slag and melt off, burning the ground under me and consequently her doormat, which she certainly isn't amused by
>Pushing her out of my way, I walk into the spooky house
"Alright were is the candy?"
>She somehow got in front of me and is opening another door with stairs leading down
<"Right downstairs, in the basement"
>This better be fucking good candy
>Make my way down
>Somehow it got even harder to see, of course that could just be my visor starting to warp due to the heat
>Make it to the bottom, take off my helmet and use it as a torch
>It's a fucking queen sized bed with spiderwoman pillow cases and blanket that says "Happy Halloween"
>I don't know whether to start laughing or start feeling bad for her
>Of course she is a monster, so I'll do the former of the two
>Tossing my helmet, well more like a piece of slag now, onto the bed I follow it and start laughing so hard that I could hear any clown girl in mile radius around me cream herself
>Room for some reason lightens up
>See pale girl walk down with two giant bags of candy
>The instant she sees me, her eyes go wide and points behind me
==<"MY BED IS ON FIRE"
>I turn around to see her bed and much of the wall is burning
"Huh? So that's why it was so bright"
>She runs over grabbing the blanket out from under me and tries to smother the fire. But only succeeds in spreading the napalm and slag solution around the room, setting more of it on fire
>Deciding to exit stage left at this point, I grab the bags and walk back upstairs and out the front door
>Not wanting to leave her with nothing I undo my belt and pull down my pants, sadly I don't have to take a shit, so I just settle on pissing on her doorknob
>Just as I finish the windows on the ground floor explode with flames bellowing out of them
"Ehhhhh… She'll be fine"
>Start walking my ass home, but get intercepted by a group of middle schoolers, more specifically a anubis, run of the mill werewolf and a hellhound
>How can I tell they're middle schoolers when most monsters reach sexual maturity at like 15 years old you ask
>They're smoking Newports and everyone knows only kids smoke menthols
>The anubis pipes up, seemingly the leader of the group
<"G-give us your candy or we'll take it from you by force"
>She takes a long drag of her cigarette then starts coughing violently
>I could just hand over the candy, but then again I did kill an undead for it. Would that count as murder or desecration of a dead body?
>Then again depending on what type of undead she is, she could just be back by tomorrow
>Of course most cops went home by now and aren't patrolling the streets anymore, so I could go complete THOT SLAYER
>Or I could run away like a fag
>If only someone would tell me what to do
▶ 28123c (2) No.322226
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
Tell them that as an upholder of the law and serial arsonist they must cease their juvenile delinquency, making sure to tug on the juicy anubis ears.
▶ bdddb8 (2) No.322228
| Rolled 18 (1d20) |
>>322221
Insult the little shits, then prepare to fight.
▶ 2c4b82 (1) No.322230
| Rolled 9 (1d20) |
>>322221
FIRST TAKE THAT CANCER STICK FROM HER, TELL HER TO SMOKE CIGARS INSTEAD, THEN GRAB HER HERETICAL EARS, SLOWLY RUB THEM AND RUN LIKE A LITTLE GIRL. THERE MORE BOUNTY FOR US TO LOOT, SHE AND HER CREW ARE A MERE DISTRACTION
▶ 650c7a (2) No.322247>>322248
| Rolled 13 (1d20) |
>>322221
Tell them that your father did not raise you a Paladin only for show. Inquisition visits would be more frequent if a dead, or perhaps worse, thoroughly raped child of Ilias were to show up.
▶ 650c7a (2) No.322248
>>322247
Shit, I forgot to sage. My bad.
▶ 133d11 (2) No.322286
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
>>322221
Grab her cigarette and put it out on his forearm while staring straight into her eyes with a manic grin.
▶ da0486 (1) No.322301
| Rolled 15 (1d20) |
>>322221
Not even monster children should smoke, force them to smoke the whole pack right now to break the habit!
▶ 9256d7 (6) No.322465>>322468 >>322469 >>322480 >>322553 >>322570 >>322772
>>322221
>I drop my bags of candy and walk right up to the anubis leader
>"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW SHIT YOUR TASTE IS, DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MANY LAWS YOU ARE BREAKING?"
>"Luckily my father did not raise no pussy, so I shall take it upon myself to properly punish you for these transgressions"
>She recoils in fear from my yelling
<"W-what are you gonna do old man?"
>With a grin that could only be described as manic, I grab her ears between my middle finger and pointer finger and begin to gently tug on them
>She tries to pull away, but all it does is cause her to take more sharp gasps
<"Let go of me you… *Insert moan here* you old fart"
>Now for the finisher
>I begin to use my thumb to play with the tip and use my middle and pointer finger to stroke up and down the length of the ear
>"Now say you're sorry for smoking and trying to rob someone of their hard earned candy"
<"N-n-never you paladindu"
>That's our word
>I begin to intensify my attack on her ears causing her to knees to wobble and seek support by resting her body against mine
>"Now. SAY IT"
>She looks at me eyes filled with tears
<"I-I'm sowwy for smowking and… *Insert raunchyillicitmoans.mp4 here* try-ING to rowb yow"
>Satisfied with my bullying of the anubis, I set my eyes on my next target
>I point right towards the werewolf girl and look her dead in the eyes
>"I'm coming for ya, nigga"
>She turns tail and tries to run, but she, and everyone else, aren't quite fast enough to escape JUSTICE
>I tackle her to the ground and straddle her back, gripping her soft and fluffy ears like they were joysticks
>I start to softly tug on them and gradually increase in intensity
>"Now say you're sorry, just like your anubis friend did"
<"G-go f-fuuuck yo-"
>Before she can finish her sentence I start to twiddle with her ear tips using my thumbs, just like I did with the anubis
>"SAY YOU'RE SORRY OR I'LL DO THIS ALL NIGHT"
>She begins to gasp and let out even more lecherous moans than her last compatriot
<"Stahp or I'll- *ChrisHansenWhyDon'tYouHaveASeat.wav* "
>She tenses up like electricity was running through her body, so much so that her moans couldn't escape her mouth
>When I let go she goes limp and just lays on the ground breathing heavily
>I'll just take that as a "Sorry"
>Finally to my last target
>I walk over to the hellhound, flexing my fingers
>She pulls out a piece of paper and a small bag filled with dried herbs
>No she can't be
>She puts the dried herbs into the paper and rolls it, she then proceed to use her eye flames to light it
>She rolls her own cigarettes this will be an entire different beast to best
>She takes a long drag of her self rolled fag and looks me dead in the eye
<"Come get me, paladindu"
>That's our word
>I run at her and tackle her to the ground, I quickly sit atop her midsection and grip her ears
>Before I can tug them though I feel her claws rip into underarms, where my armor is weak
>Luckily the chain mail and gambeson stops the claws from rending my flesh
>She places a foot on my breastplate and simultaneously pushes and pulls me, ripping out large chunks of chain mail and the padding underneath
>I break free before she can dig her claws into me again hitting my back against a lighting pole
>Alright frontal assaults might not work, time for a change of plans
>Just then it hits me
>"I might be a paladindu, but at least I ain't a hellnigger "
>Her eyes flare up like… flares and goes on all fours and charges at me
>Just as she pounces at me I dodge out of the way, revealing the lighting pole behind me
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYBZrRCCrXE
>I spend 10 minutes laughing at this Three Stooges reenactor
>She suddenly stands up and pounces me again
>NANI!?
>Just as she pins me I feel something warm and wet hit my face
>The liquid eventually drips onto my lips and I get a taste of it
>Blood?
>The hellhound just goes limp on top of me
>I quickly get her off of me as I drag her into the light
>By the Holy Light. She split her fucking forehead open
>I check her heartbeat
>Thank the Light she's still alive, murder of an undead is one thing, actually killing an unarmed teenager is a whole lost worse
>Just then, I hear sirens blaring
>Oh shit
>I look around for an escape route, well the sewer is the closest thing I can reach and not get the cops called on me entering
>Should I stay and try to help the hellhound or just make like Canada and leaf?
▶ 402032 (1) No.322468
| Rolled 2 (1d20) |
>>322465
>Paladin
>betraying the law of remaining at the scene for question
Nonsense, take a seat next to the Anubis, check to see if you have any butterscotch or caramel hard candies, and if so feed it to her while stroking her head, as it has been shown to be an effective means of subduing her. Pontificate on the law and what is likely to happen to her; wait till her parents see what has become of you!
▶ bdddb8 (2) No.322469>>322573
| Rolled 20 (1d20) |
>>322465
You're a Paladindu, not a doctor, but you should quickly try to help the little hellpickanniny anyways before the 5-0 show up.
▶ 5325ef (1) No.322480
| Rolled 4 (1d20) |
>>322465
>"Luckily my father did not raise no pussy…"
I sure hope he also did not raise a coward. You have honour, do you not? Sit yourself up against the pole to support your weight then lean the beast against yourself to hold the wound up. Maybe tear a piece of the exposed padding to help staunch whatever flow of blood there may be. Stay with the beast until the siren-wielders show up.
The Order will surely call you in for something more than just a hearing if you let, despite its actions, a young one die unjustly.
▶ 684eaa (1) No.322522
▶ a9b3c0 (1) No.322553>>322573
| Rolled 20 (1d20) |
>>322465
if the hellhound has passed it is only because god wills it servants of the lord don't go to prison if the fuzz try to jack you claim religious discrimination stupid and for fucks sake you better be wearing a fucking Gambeson under all that mail and fucking plate
also if there passed out scribble biblical quotes and symbols on them maybe start digging a grave for the hellhound but don't finish unless she actually dies
maybe look for a steel bin lid to repair our Armour or use as a shield
▶ 3317ee (1) No.322558>>322578
>>322127 (OP)
>"I'm a hellnigger"
OOGA BOOGA BURN WHITEY
▶ 7c5036 (1) No.322570>>322573
| Rolled 1 (1d20) |
>>322465
Take the HellNiggers corpse with you and find some first aid to heal her.
▶ 9256d7 (6) No.322573
>>322469
>>322553
Holy shit I think I had a stroke reading that
>>322570
>The roll gods today are fucking generous
Update tomorrow
▶ 211323 (1) No.322594>>322599 >>322763
>>322127 (OP)
>baphomet
Baphomet was just a parody of mohammed? Some guy accused the Templars of adopting practices of islam and since they didn't know much about islam they thought mohammed was a goat-hermaphrodite
Just thought I'd let you all know.
▶ e0462a (1) No.322599>>322763
>>322594
Baphomet is the corrupted form of Bahamut, the name of a pre-Islamic Persian deity, which became confused with Mohammed in medieval Europe due to phonetic similarities. The physical form of goat-herm comes from misinterpretations of the Greek god Pan, who was sometimes depicted as a hermaphrodite. Medieval Europeans adopted much of Pan's appearance for representations of Satan because of Pan's association with Wild revelry and the woodlands and pagan roots.
▶ 9256d7 (6) No.322763
>>322594
>>322599
You niggas are overthinking this
▶ 9256d7 (6) No.322772>>322775 >>322776 >>322785 >>322786 >>322793 >>322800 >>322852 >>322871 >>322919
>>322465
>Shit I can't just let a kid die before their life even began
>I quickly reach in my bag of holding™ and pull out a healing draught
>Opening the bottle and forcing the lip of the bottle onto hers and pouring the mixture of Spiderleaf and Sylra's Touch down her gullet.
>Next I place both my hands over the wound and start a prayer
>"Divine Light, grant me the power to help mend the wounds of those in need"
>A soft glow emits from underneath my hand
>I remove my hands from her forehead, I bring her head into the light as to take a look at my handiwork
>Nary a scar marks her face
>Her eyes flutter open, along with her eye flames igniting
<"Uhhh… Where am I? I remember hitting my head and everything went dark…"
>Good now just to make sure she doesn't have a concussion or amnesia
>"Do you remember your name?"
<"Yeah it's… Lilith"
>"And do you remember?"
<"Remember what?"
==>"REMEMBER HOW HARD YOUR HELLPICKANNINY ASS GOT REKT?"
>Her eyes spring fully open and the flames blaze so hard I can see blue flames near the base of the flames
<"What!? No! You cheated you bastard!"
>With my work done and my second degree murder averted I spring to my feet
>Right 5-0 don't wanna explain how I almost killed a kid
>I grab my bags of confectionery delight and open a manhole and prepare to climb down
<"Wait! What is your name?"
>I look back at her and smile
>"Vaunce Sapontheim"
>I jump down the hole like Santa jumps down a chimney laughing
>Fucking idiot. I wonder if she fell for that fake name?
>Thank the Light that my candy bags are still closed and that each candy is individually wrapped
>After wandering for an hour or so I start getting the idea that I'm lost
>My boots are wet, I wish I was home, my feet hurt, I'm gonna have to polish my armor all day tomorrow.
>Worse above all these things, is the rats
>Little bastards constantly follow me trying to get at my candy
>Eventually I feel my foot hit something and almost tripping over it in the process
>I reach down angry at the inanimate preparing to chuck it for it's transgressions
>Just as I grab it I feel an all to familiar shape to me
>I bring the object out of the water and wipe off any grime and muck
>A beautifully crafted and shining longsword, I give it a few test swings, perfectly balanced too
>I turn to the damned rats preparing to give them a "thank you" for accompanying me all this way
>I shove my bags of candy into my bag of holding™ to best of my ability, though half of one bag is sticking out
>Ehhhh… I'll deal with it later, first though, rats
>I chase the squeaking bastards for a good half mile, taking the odd swipe at them, but missing every time
>I stop only when they run into cracks into the wall
>Little fucks
>While walking away disappointed I hear some talking around a corner
>I peek around using my unobfuscated view to see two rat girls wrestling over something
<"Give-give treat bag stupid-slave!"
<"Never mine!"
>I always hear from other guys that girls wrestling in filth is somehow erotic
>Maybe it's because they're cute in platonic way rat girls or maybe it's because of the sewage, but it just ain't doing it for me
>Hang on. Treat bag? I quickly look down to my bag of holding™ I'm missing a bag of candy
>I try to look at the bright side of this
>Well at least I get to use my sword now and I'll just assume they're adults
>I charge forward brandishing my blade
>Shoulder checking one rat girl into the water I turn towards the standing one
>"Updog"
<"What-what i-is updog?"
>"Not much, you?"
>I laugh as I bring my blade overhead and bring it down cleaving her from clavicle to pelvis
>Or at least it would of if the blade didn't just pass through her body leaving no wound what so ever
>Instead she just shudders a bit then falls to the ground
>Fucking demon silver blade, I knew it was to good to be true
>I search around in the water grabbing the thankfully still enclosed from Light knows what in that water
>Taking out some useless objects from my bag of holding™ Job applications, IRS tax forms, etc.
>I turn to where I left the bag only to see the other rat girl running away with it
>I chase the fucker planning to make a nice rat skin scabbard from her hide
>She takes a sharp corner and as I follow I see a horde of them
>Sheeeeeeeeeit
>Do I cut my losses and run or go after the candy corsair?
▶ ae2818 (1) No.322775
▶ 87be7e (1) No.322776
| Rolled 18 (1d20) |
>>322772
At least you found that wicked sword. Bring it to the church. A good consecration and it would be a righteous tool for slaying the impure. But, there's no need to get yourself actually killed over some snickers. Cut your loses. The night is still young.
I'm enjoying the story. Please continue.
▶ 266052 (1) No.322785>>322811
| Rolled 11 (1d20) |
>>322772
For now cut your losses and go elsewhere. If any of them follow you make them taste steel.
You probably want to pick up those tax forms. Fuck with monsters all you want, but don't mess with the IRS.
▶ fc9094 (1) No.322786
| Rolled 5 (1d20) |
>>322772
rolling for the likelihood that the Demon Silver sword turns into Cursed Blade girl or something similar or more subtle hijinx with said weapon.
▶ b92c33 (1) No.322788>>322811
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
Are you a paladin or craven? Do not listen to these heathens, take what rightfully belongs to the church! (Your body is a temple after all, what better riches would you fill God’s temple with?)
▶ c388bd (1) No.322793
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.322795>>322910
| Rolled 20 (1d20) |
On to battle! Give a mighty warcry and charge forward!
▶ cbc1f4 (2) No.322800>>322802 >>322826
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
>>322772
Don't be a fool. You have no helmet, your feet and combat boots are soaked in the unmentionable, your chainmail is broken and exposed, you are at a significant disadvantage. Not to mention that you're carrying a sword that doesn't work yet. A tactical retreat is better than certain death. You still have two bags left. Let the vermin have the one.Take the sword and spare yourself. Come back with reinforced gear and claim the head of every single one of the sewer scum.
▶ 2220c9 (1) No.322802>>322811
>>322800
>old man kruber still fights off skaven
phew, im glad the end times were just a nightmare thought up by some jewish gw-execs.
▶ c99b61 (24) No.322811
>>322785
>>322802
>>322788
sage your posts you newfags
▶ 2fb30e (1) No.322826>>322830
| Rolled 15 (1d20) |
>>322800
This. We can come back and go all victor saltzpyre later.
Were going to need an elf, a dwarf, and maybe another paladin though.
▶ 270df6 (1) No.322830
>>322826
Sage please next time I thought a story update was up
▶ 6992df (1) No.322852>>322910
>>322772
Why is the bag of holding now trademarked?
▶ c9bb77 (1) No.322871>>322875 >>322943 >>322945
>>322772
The sword is a monster girl
No think about it, it's a ghost sword, and normal swords can't have ghosts because they're inanimate objects with no spirit.
It's totally a ghostgirl who saved those ratgirls lives.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.322910
>>322852
Just got it trademarked.
>>322795
>Another 20
Bless the roll gods
▶ bf6abc (39) No.322919>>322920 >>322978
>>322772
>Fuck this
>Fuck them all
>I've worked to hard on my costume to just give up half my candy to a fucking rat
>What is this Venezuela?
>I ready my sword and charge forward with a mighty warcry causing many of the rat girls to winch
>Using that opportunity I swing catching multiple rat girls necks in arc, causing them to shudder then harmlessly fall to the ground
>I charge further into the crowd letting loose another swing catching significantly less rat girls the second time
>I then notice them starting to encircle me
>I bring down my sword onto the flanking rat girls, just then I feel a blow hit my back, narrowly missing my head by a few hairs
>That's gonna leave a dent
>I knock as many of them back as I can and jump from the horde
>Alright note to self: Don't get encircled
>while walking backwards trying to think of a plan, fighting off the stray rat girl that charges towards me singularly, emboldend by their allies
>Just then I got a crazy idea
>I lead them further back till they start to clump up again, eager to get at me
>I charge up a blow, then jump forward unleashing a devastatingly harmless slash
>I quickly get into the set of things and find a rhythm of herding rat girls into clumps and finishing them off in a single well place strike
>When I defeat enough of the horde the rest scurry away or hide among the sleeping
>Riding high on adrenaline due to the battle I just fought alone, without the help of an elf, fire wizard, dwarf, or crazy one-eyed hermit
>Finding a trail of candy on the ground I follow it hurried and worried of what remains for me left in my rightfully earned sack of sweets
>Eventually I see the rat girl who stole my candy running ragged, no doubt tired from fighting off other contenders
>Too focused on chasing the rat girl and her to similarly focused on me gaining on her we both fail to see the heavily armored unit of marching black rat girls
>She slams and jams into the marching ranks, breaking them up, she sheepishly stands up presenting the bag to the leader of the patrol
>Seeing the size comparison from where I stood, I could tell the black rat girls were easily bigger and not just in height, muscle mass and areas around their… breasts and thighs as well
>They cruelly bully the smol rat girl pushing her around and holding the bag above her head
>I chuckle at the school yard bullying, but quickly remember that I am the one supposed to do the bullying
>I charge forward again with another mighty warcry but with a completely different reaction from the other rat girls
>They quickly form ranks and hold their halberds out, as to stop my charge
>I dodge their stabs and managed to land a blow on one of them, but my sword just clinks off their armor harmlessly
>I quickly find myself in a pincer attack
>I go to block a blow aimed at my head, but feel a blade hit the back of my knee causing me to go off balance and yelp in pain
>Consequentially the blow to the back of my knee also messed up my block for the strike aimed at my head, luckily I still managed to block the attack, unluckily I blocked it with the hilt of my blade causing it to go flying out of my grasp
>Falling backwards into the sewer water I start to scamper on the ground away from them
>With my leg injured and them so close I don't think I could get up in time before they knock me back down and even if I did they could easily catch me limping away from them
>One of the black rat girls shoves past her comrades
<"Man-thing strike-hit me first-first, I get man-thing's first time and make-force him husband-thing"
>Fucking monster girls and their ability to sniff out a mans virginity
<"No-no, my strike bring-fall him down, I get-give first time"
<"You hurt-pain husband-thing, you do again-again"
<"You almost take head-shoulders off of husband-thing"
>They incessantly bicker between one another and quickly start pull and pushing each other to keep others away and get closer to me
▶ bf6abc (39) No.322920>>322930 >>322978 >>323146 >>323152
>>322919
>Just as I think they're gonna fight, the rat girl that stole my candy pipes up
<"Why not share-share different day-nights of week?"
>They all start somewhat agreeing and start dividing up days of who gets me
>Fucking hell, I want a monogamist relationship, I don't wanna spend every waking moment catering to my wives needs and parent teacher conferences are going to be a nightmare
>I look for the sword, only to see it fell behind the group of black rat girls
>I could easily instigate a fight, but what I do after they start getting physical is a whole another dilemma
>I could try to heal myself and make a break for my sword, learning from my mistakes and going for round two, with a much more favorable outcome. Hopefully
>I could try to heal myself and just run throwing stealth out the proverbial window
>The main problem with healing myself is that a glowing light in the dark of the sewer isn't something that is easily ignored
>I could eschew the healing and just make a break for my sword and threaten to off myself, they seem to want me most of all and they don't even know the sword doesn't work in the conventional way
>I could try my luck at sneaking away, but with my limp if they find me I'm fucked. Literally
>Or just accept my fate and start preparing the baths for when they move in
body to long my ass
▶ a64b9f (1) No.322930
| Rolled 15 (1d20) |
>>322920
Heal and try and play off the glowing light as a miracle from god and that he has given us the power to smite them.
Rats are fucking stupid, I'd think they'd rather not take risks like this.
▶ 2c6b55 (2) No.322943>>322945 >>323157
>>322871
>The sword is a monster girl
Ever seen Bastard?
▶ 2c6b55 (2) No.322945>>323157
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
>>322943
>>322871
Skip to 20:06.
Fun demon fight while guts tortures a girl with slime.
You who are mindless
▶ c4016e (1) No.322950
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
You must heal, brother! Do not hide the might of the one true God! Get the sword and (s)lay these canned vermin! If you cannot, then rekindle the flames of your child’s costume and descend upon them! None should suffer sewer dwelling heretical polygamists and confectionary cutthroats.
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.322968
| Rolled 7 (1d20) |
Running is the cowards tactic! We are servants of the one god of humanity! Injury or no! Candy or no! Sword or no! We shall fight them and we shall win!
▶ 8a28d1 (1) No.322978>>322997 >>323097
| Rolled 5 (1d20) |
>>322919
>>322920
I told you that fighting would only put you in a worse position. But, the roll gods' bidding must be heeded. Heal your leg and make a break for the sword, Brother. For I have a plan that will not get you killed.
According to the church’s scholars the common forms of city dwelling rat beasts are very sensitive to sound. Despite the many ways the blessed armour protects you. Here it will work against you for sneaking an escape. But, you could potentially use this to your advantage. Instead of going out making little sound, make as much as possible. Swing the sword as hard against the walls of the sewer. Then run a few paces and repeat. The high-pitched sound should reverberate and cause the beasts far more discomfort than to you. This should buy you time to at least get some distance if not escape. Don’t let the cretins bait you into suicide.
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.322997>>323097
| Rolled 5 (1d20) |
>>322978
No! Death before dishonor! We must stand and fight!
▶ 90ec7b (1) No.323097
| Rolled 4 (1d20) |
>>322978
Rolling for this. I don't want to see the poor guy lose the candy and manhood in one night.
>>322997
What honor is there in humiliation, rape, and subjugation by subhumans when you fail?
▶ eb5510 (19) No.323146>>323147 >>323157
>>322920
>harlem-faggotry
KILL THEM ALL
After a tactical retreat
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323152>>323153
>>322920
>A plan springs up in my mind faster than a shota on Cialis
"I love one you more then the others, but I can't tell you because… I'm embarrassed"
>They start fighting even more ferociously. If they didn't have the armor I'd think they'd be drawing blood
>I sit up and start a prayer to the Light and place my hands over my injured knee
"Light grant me the strength to defeat these heretical polygamists"
>Praise be to the Light, I feel a numbing warmth moving throughout my leg
>As I feel my pain subsiding I see the light beneath my palms grow brighter
>I try to cover it to the best of my ability but a beam slips through my fingers and into one of the black rat girls eyes
>She lets out a short cry of pain and quickly marches over to me, throwing an opposing black rat girl over her shoulder on her way over to me
<"What-what you doing?"
"I uhhhhhh… got a ring for you, do you want to take a look?"
>She drops her weapon and brings both hands up her face while taking a short gasp
>I only thought people did that in those heretical Chinese cartoons
<"No-no you can't-can't be serious-serious"
>She reaches at my hands and pulls them off my knee
>I quickly turn my palms towards her and shine the light directly into her sensitive eyes
<"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
>She lets out a scream loud enough to quell the fighting black rat girls in front of us
>They stare at me dumbfounded as I stand up
"Come on you garbage eating cunts, come get me!"
>They start charging at me
>I grab the Light-banged black rat girl's halberd and use it to pole vault over the oncoming adversaries
>I quickly grab my sword and look back to the black rat girls, I ready myself in a defensive position
>They all start laughing and giggling, most likely expecting things to go just like last time, while they all creep forward
>I stand up straight out of my battle stance and take one akin to a baseball batter
>I swing at the stone wall using the flat end of my blade
>A loud and obnoxious *ting* spreads though the enclosed halls
>It causes many to cover their ears, but only for a short time
>They seem much less amused now
>I keep back up till I notice out the corner of my eye a pipe near the ground
>Bingo
>I throw my sword up in the air and catch it by the blade
>Moving my hands to the very end I take a stance like a golfer would, I swing up then back down with all my force
INSERTEARRAPEOFYOURCHOICEHERE.MP4
>It causes many black rat girls to drop their weapons and cover their ears trying to cope with the LOUD NOISES
>Using this opportunity I charge forward leaving no chance of egress for them
>Still holding the sword by the blade I use the crossguard to bash the back of the first black rat girl's head
>She drops like a sack of potatoes
>I look to her friend right next to her and bring up the pommel smacking her so hard she gains some air, so much so that she knocks over her neighbor
>I quickly walk over the grounded black rat girl and grabbing the blade by the hilt again I stab her (non-lethally) through her face
>I swing the sword around and charge a strike aimed right at the space between where the next black rat girls body armor ends and her helmet begins
>The blade passes though her neck causing her to simply shudder and fall like the others
>Just as I ready my blade to skewer the next black rat girl through the gaps in her armor she pushed me away trying to bring her comrades back from the throws of earrape
>When she turns her eyes back onto me I slice through her throat making her fall back onto another group of black rat girls, knocking them all down
>I work down the line of debilitated black rat girls stabbing each one through the gaps in their armor finishing them off one by one and the ones that manage to stand up are just as easily knocked down again still feeling the effects of having their ears thoroughly violated by my pipe
>I stand over the unit of subjugated black rat girls and laugh loudly, causing some of them to groan in pain at my jovial chuckle
>I find my bag of candy thoroughly violated by the sewage
>I look at the inside to see that each candy is individually wrapped so no worries are to be had
>I wipe the sweat off my brow and continue one after defeating these polygamist possums
>Rats are possums right?
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323153>>323163 >>323166 >>323171 >>323187 >>323211 >>323213 >>323257 >>323310 >>323320
>>323152
>After searching I find a man hole with a ladder leading up to it
>Climbing the ladder was the easy part. Now i must lift the manhole cover
>I push with all my might but it just won't budge
>I use my useless sword and shove it in the corners manage to use it like a makeshift crowbar
>Climbing out of the sewers I take a breath of fresh air and just enjoy it
>I hear a car honk its horn and slam on its breaks as I dive out of the way narrowly getting turned into roadside paste
>But the car isn't so lucky it's wheels hit the manhole completely totaling not only the wheels but the whole left underside
>A small kikimora with a black eye falls out of the car
>Not wanting to be a dick I walk over and help her up
>She doesn't even bother to thank me, she just looks at the ruined state of the car and starts crying
"Hey come on now, it'll be fine. You have insurance right?"
<"M-master will…"
>I hear her mumble about someone called "mastah"
"Mastah will what?"
>She looks up at me, rage and fury completely shadow her eyes hiding what little sanity she had left
>Well that implied she had sanity to begin with and I don't think she was ever right in the head
<"MASTER WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR THIS"
<"First I just wanted to take master's car and go to the store to buy ingredients so I could make soup and help master get over his cold, but his car ran out of gas halfway through so I had to push it to the store, then I forgot my money at home so I had to degrade myself to such a level as to shoplift then when I was putting my groceries in the car a SHOGSHIT came up to me and called me a "shedding dog" so I try to punch her in her stupid SHOGSHIT face but it just absorbs my fist and turns it around making me punch myself in the face, giving me a black eye, and now a STUPID FUCKING PALADIN COMES OUT OF THE SEWER AND WRECKS MASTER'S CAR"
<"NOW MASTER WILL NEVER LOVE ME AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT"
>She pulls out a kitchen knife and tries to stab me with it
>I quickly catch her by her wrist and punch her in her other eye making them both a matching shade of purple
>She goes limp after my punch and falls to the ground
>I drop the knife in the sewer putting the manhole back on and place her inside her car, pushing her and it to the side of the road then putting it in park
>I take a look around me and see a park near me, but it seems to be overgrown and thick with trees
>Wait no. Please no. I know this park, I believe it's called Laurelorn (named after some "old world" forest or some bullshit), it's a natural reserve for the more "nature loving" monster girls
>Elves, alrunes, dryads and every other monster under the sun and moon comes here
>It's a popular sight to drag guys to and hunt them for fun
>It's a deplorable place that should be burned to the ground, to many a mans' innocence was lost here
>I bring out a jerrycan filled with gasoline and a lighter out of my bag of holding™
>Just then it hits me
>This park is the fastest way home, if I cut through it. I know the police station always patrol the border around here as to "catch any guys who are trespassing"
>1. I could simply walk through it, but I risk getting attacked by the odd monster girl
>2. I could burn it down and go through it, but I don't think walking through a burning forest is the greatest idea
>3. I could go around and try my luck with the cops
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323157
>>323146
>>322945
>>322943
I'm not worried about bump limit, just worried that people think the story has updated when it hasn't
▶ c99b61 (24) No.323163
| Rolled 14 (1d20) |
>>323153
Quickly leave a note with a danuki's business number on the car in hopes that she deals with it while looking like you are taking responsibility for your actions. Then walk through the forest. You just took care of a horde of rat girls, there's nothing you can't take.
▶ eb5510 (19) No.323166>>323167
>>323153
Don't be a pussy, burn it.
If we die than atleast we'll go out in a blaze of glory
▶ eb5510 (19) No.323167>>323174 >>323179 >>323180
| Rolled 1 + 20 (1d20) |
>>323166
Forgot the dice
▶ b7d1b8 (7) No.323171
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
>>323153
#2 burn it down.
▶ 90eee3 (7) No.323174
>>323167
>Anon just rolled a crit to burn down the forest
Smokey the beargirl will not be pleased about this.
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.323176>>323178 >>323187
| Rolled 6 (1d20) |
>Kiki abuse
>burning down an innocent forest
We are a paladin! We are not some African savage we are a proud warrior of the light! Let us walk through that forest and conquer whatever tries to stop us!
▶ c99b61 (24) No.323178>>323211
>>323176
Anon you are incredibly naive. All those monsters are paladinophobes and if we don't burn down that forest we are letting the matriarchy know that we are docile and allowing our kind to be further enslaved under this monster-supremacist society.
▶ b93139 (9) No.323179
>>323167
>rolling a nat 1
>trying to +20 mod
what the fuck are you even doing
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323180>>323210
>>323167
I mean he scored a nat 1, but I'm thinking he's trying to cheat, which is very un-paladin like, by putting 20 in the modifier.
▶ 38c69c (3) No.323187
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
>>323153
Pull a gas mask out of our as- bag of holding, and light the fucker up.
Whistle video while doing so for maximum fun.
>>323176
The Kiki tried to fucking shank us. It was warranted.
▶ cb7fa1 (6) No.323210
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
Apply a full body healing spell, douse our self in gasoline, and run around as the flaming beacon of light in that forest of darkness.
>>323180
He forgot the dice, tried to cheat, and got a Nat 1. I'd say he deserved the roll he got, don't you?
▶ b4e8ce (1) No.323211>>323291
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
>>323153
MONSTER, YOU CAN'T BURN IT DOWN!
That grove is the home to countless creatures! If you burn it where will they go if they aren't killed in the flames? How can you call yourselves righteous if you on such a slight whim consider nothing short of genocide?! You think you are above the law we all must abide here! Stop this madness, under all of that glorified scrap dwells a twisted demon!
I will not allow this!
>>323178
Can you honestly say that the fear that so many hold is justified when this is what you do? Assaulting children who are simply out having fun, trying to murder countless of those forced to live in the city’s underbelly? Conspiring to murder innocent masses!
▶ 6d308c (1) No.323213
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
| Rolled 9 (1d20) |
>>323153
Walk through the forest with this as background music. Prepare a torch in case of purge.
▶ b29211 (1) No.323214>>323215
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
God is on our side!
If the monsters dare to impede our advances through this sinner’s copse, then by all means burn it down.
But we should stay our hand, let them make the first move. Our Lord is righteous, so we shall only retaliate if we must.
▶ c99b61 (24) No.323215
▶ 2163cd (1) No.323217
| Rolled 11 (1d20) |
The weald has many treasures. Are we not paladins? Do we not thread for glory? Do we not fight for sword and way of life? Burning this forest is the easy way out but what glory there is in burning it instead of claiming it for mankind!
Fight your way out of the weald!
▶ 071c4a (4) No.323221
| Rolled 5 (1d20) |
Walking through the forest is the least risky option. You've dealt with the other mamano well enough. Also, carry the unconscious kiki with you. The forest girls may be believe she's your 'mastah', and leave you alone since you're clearly taken.
▶ 043b1c (1) No.323257>>323321
| Rolled 16 (1d20) |
>>323153
The time for hesitation is over. Now the Lord’s work must be done. The trees will make fine pyres!
The night sky aches for the light of Lights glow. Enkindle this tainted place with roaring flame, so that it may in turn cleanse those who seek this lecherous shame. With oil anointed torch aloft a sacred oath is carried; Orchard of Corruption, Garden of Profanity, Domicile of the Deviant. Claim this soil no longer with impunity. In this purifying radiance you shall find redemption until nought is left but ash and cinder. I, knight of Ilias, stand before thee with her gift.
▶ eb5510 (19) No.323291>>323301
>>323211
> How can you call yourselves righteous if you on such a slight whim consider nothing short of genocide?!
Righteous =/= cuckoldry you hippy-elf-slut
A new, better, uncucked forest will grow out of the ashes of the old one.
▶ 7be025 (1) No.323301
>>323291
This, burn that shit down.
▶ 5d8bae (2) No.323310>>323321
| Rolled 20 (1d20) |
>>323153
BURN THE HERETICS
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323320>>323321 >>326364
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
>>323153
>This hedonist park of unholy pelvis shattering must be destroyed for the good of the world. If not by my hand then who will?
>Just as I pull out my jerrycan and matches I hear the distinct sound of clanking armor
>I turn around to see another paladin, breathing a sigh of relief I welcome him
"Ho, brother paladin what brings you here?"
<"A wonderful night for a stroll. Wouldn't you agree? If I could, may I ask you what you are doing this time of night?"
"I'm Burning down this heretical forest in the name of the Holy Light"
>I start spreading gas around liberally, making sure to douse the trees and other plants twice over
<"Surely you mean to burn this sacrilegious copse in the name of Illias don't you?"
>He's follower of Illias. Ohhhh… That's why his text is pink
"No I'm doing this for the Holy Light not for some petty goddess who tries to subjugate humanity under her heel, then when her plan fails she tries to put us down like a rabid dog"
>He looks at me like I just nailed 95 theses to his breastplate
<"Now listen here you insolent cur, I shall not just stand idly by while you insult our most holiest of ladies…"
"You mean your *only lady"
>I can practically hear steam coming out of his helmet
>Gonna keep on going to see if I can make sir eunuch set off his bomb vest
>Just as I go to open my mouth he draws his sword
<"Apologize now you heathen"
"Me? Apologize? Now listen here you splintmail wearing shithead, if you don't take yourself and your shitty doomsday cult in the guise of a religion out of here, I will personally throw you on this pyre and make you join your dead god, that you somehow siphon power from like the leeches you are, in whatever false holy realm her corpse inhabits."
>He just shakes with anger and charges at me, sword tip pointed right for my heart
<"DIE YOU HERETIC"
>Surprised by the sudden balls her grew I didn't have time to dodge the heart-seeking strike
>The tip manages to jam into my breastplate superficially, knocking me to the ground
>He must've put to much force into his charge because he falls right past me taking his sword out of my breastplate
>I get up to see his stuck in bramble
<"This smell… NO YOU WOULDN'T"
>I simply smile and light a match
"Let's hope that Illias' corpse is still fresh enough for you"
>Throwing it into the bush I grab the jerrycan and start running through the forest laughing like a maniac while escaping the horrid screams of an Illias follow becoming one with his beloved Goddess
>Achievement unlocked: Paladin-on-Paladin crime
>Along the way running I see a dryad, centaur, lamia and elf surrounding a boy
>Before they can pull his pants down I punch her in the kid in the side of his head, ohko-ing him
<"W-why did you do that?"
>The elf asks
"WILD CARD, BITCHES! YEEHAW!"
>I jump on the back of the centaur and kick her
>She tries to buck me off but I grab her by the hair and pull hard enough to settle her down
>Red faced and exhausted she just lies down as her friends? Rivals? surround me
>I point back towards the oncoming flames and jerk the tuckered out centaur's head towards it
"THAT ENOUGH MOTIVATION? NOW GET GOING"
>I give a hard kick causing her to jump up and sprint going full force
>Look back to see the others running after us
>I look forward again to see the flames have come around
>Looks like it ain't going to be a straight shot
>I jerk the centaurs hair making her turn
<"OW! You know I can see in front of me, right? I'm not blind"
>I just roll my eyes and kick her again
>She suddenly stops and bucks causing me to fly forward and into a river
>I look around me to see flames burning everything, by the Light I didn't think it was spread this fast
>I climb out of the river and walk into the flames prepared to embrace oblivion
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323321>>323324 >>323328 >>323331 >>323335 >>323339 >>323344 >>323363 >>323367 >>323401 >>323629
>>323320
>Just as I walk into the flames torrential rains quickly come pouring down and putting out the fires
>Standing there dumbfounded and wet I fail to notice the figure that pulls me down into the river
>Due to the rain the river was flooded and raging a lot harder, knocking me into banks, driftwood, and rocks
>I ride the (not so) lazy river for what feels like an eternity
>Eventually I feel myself wash up on a shore
>I just lay there till I start feeling the water trying to take me again
>Not wanting to go for another round with the lady of the lake I quickly spring up see a giant pagoda
>It has a pathway litten by paper lamps leading up to the entrance of the paper palace
>I try to walk away but I strong gusts of wind blow me back to the path
>Not wanting to piss of the wind have it blow me back into the river I, begrudgingly, follow the lamp lite light-way
>I make sure to step on the sand garden messing it up
>I get the idea of picking up a paper lamp and tossing it into one of the windows but the wind blows it off course while putting it out
>Fucking magic weather
>I walk into the pagoda and see a white snek
<"Our master wishes to speak with you"
>She bows and gestures her hand
<"Now. If you will follow me"
>I'm pretty sure whoever her master is wants to talk to me about setting the forest on fire
>1. Should I come along quietly?
>2. Just donkey punch the white snek while her head is turned and make my own way and maybe score some sweet loot
>3. I could just jump out a window or something, I'm still on the ground floor, and try my luck elsewhere
>>323257
Holy shit. That is more horrifying than the Darkest Dungeon Fanatic burning sounds
>>323310
Another 20 damn you niggas just hate trees. Also sage you fucker
▶ b93139 (9) No.323324
| Rolled 19 (1d20) |
>>323321
grab the snek tail
▶ b7d1b8 (7) No.323328>>323329 >>323393 >>323582
| Rolled 20 (1d20) |
>>323321
#2 No rules for paladin niggers.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323329
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
>>323328
That was quick
I'll try to mix results so people don't feel like it doesn't matter anymore
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.323331
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
>>323321
I don't think it'll really work but since we've got the nat 20 I guess #2
▶ eb5510 (19) No.323335
| Rolled 2 (1d20) |
>>323321
There's really only one option here isn't there?
▶ 38c69c (3) No.323339>>323344
| Rolled 8 (1d20) |
>>323321
Grab her by the shoulders, look her dead in the eyes, and say Blood For The Blood God and sock her as hard as we can with our gauntleted fist.
▶ 38c69c (3) No.323344
| Rolled 7 (1d20) |
>>323339
Also jump out the window.
>>323321
this better take place in Florida.
▶ acfe55 (10) No.323363>>323364
>>323321
Knock her sorry ass out and loot the place.
▶ acfe55 (10) No.323364
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
>>323363
Fuck, forgot my roll
▶ cb7fa1 (6) No.323367
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
| Rolled 14 (1d20) |
>>323321
Dragon kick her ass into the Milky Way.
Then loot the house.
▶ 46892a (2) No.323393>>323401 >>323582
| Rolled 1 (1d20) |
>>323328
I roll to negate this roll. You've already established that you're a force to be reckoned with. So hearing this "master" out could prove interesting, perhaps even lucrative. Surely the church's coffers could use some of that potential wealth. But, before following the snek tell it that if anything seems suspicious you'll personally put her to the sword first.
▶ 46892a (2) No.323401>>323630
>>323393
Forgot to add:
>>323321
>Holy shit. That is more horrifying than the Darkest Dungeon Fanatic burning sounds.
I got some of the screams from the encounter out of the game files. Keep up the story it's great stuff. I find it fun to make these small clips for how I imagine it things would sound, or look. Hope you don't mind.
▶ 071c4a (4) No.323422
| Rolled 5 (1d20) |
Let's see what this master may want. If nothing else, we could probably get some nice loot after kicking some ass here and there.
▶ 90eee3 (7) No.323582
>>323393
>>323328
The Holy Light decrees it, time to ransack and rampage through the temple.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323629>>323630
>>323321
I decided to do some badly drawn art, if you want me to keep doing it I'll happily make sure the quality keeps getting worse
>She starts to slither away from me expecting me to follow her
>I've got a different idea though
>I quickly reach forward more on instinct than anything else and grab her fluffy tail with my MANLY GRASP
>She freezes up like a ghost just past through her
>Eventually her mind registers that her tail is being held hostage by me
<"Please! Stop that! That spot it's… sensitive"
>I care not for her pleas of mercy I only tighten my grip and flexing my muscles hard enough for them to show through my chain mail
>I tighten my grip so much that her tail squeezes out of my hand, like a banana on a child's cartoon
>With her now free tail she bashes me across my face
<"I'm so sorry, most honorable guest, you must forgive me"
>Just as she goes to bow I give her a uppercut to end all uppercuts, with enough force to send her flying in the air
>Now satisfied with my just revenge I start along my journey up the stairs
>Every room I search for look along my journey is completely devoid of anything valuable
>Unless you count silverware, teapots and shitty art of rain and storms "valuable"
>No swords, no gold, no jewelry, no nothing.
>I mean I could probably take the paintings and sell them but I don't know any fences and every pawnshop in the city knows us paladins steal everything
>I just keep making my way up each set of stairs hoping to at least find some booze or sake or whatever those eastern fuckers call it
>Nope just me myself and a stinging cheek from that cheeky lamia
>I'm gonna start trashing each room I see from now on
>I make to the very top, after thoroughly making sure it looks like a typhoon came through here, and see a set of two giant sliding doors
>Oh boy I wonder if that's where the her boss is?
>I kick down the flimsy door and see a ryu
>I've heard about these fuckers, control weather and act like gods, and demand tribute from the common folk
>I ready my sword and prepare myself to give this false deity a through bashing
>She instead bows and welcomes me
<"I thank you for coming to my humble abode, now if you take a seat my boss wou…"
>I cut off her sentence with a slash of my sword
"DIE YOU FOOL'S IDOL"
<"Please, sir, I was given orders to not…"
>I miss my first swipe and overswing it, but I did not miss my fist into her face
>Successfully knocking her onto her snek butt, I raise my sword to deliver the final blow
<"ENOUGH"
>A lightning bolt pierces the ceiling and blowing up the wood floor in front of me, and scorching the area around it as well
<"You are beneath me. I am a God, you are but a dull paladin and I will not be bullied by…"
>Imma let you finish but
>I tackle her while she was giving her monologue, causing her to hit her head off the floor with a very audible *bonk*
>I then pick her up and drag-on her to the hole that the lightning caused and throw her on it
>Surprisingly it doesn't break under her "voluptuous" body
>Just as her eyes flutter open I jump and ELBOW DROP her through the floor and the next and the next and the next…
>We just keep falling till we hit the ground floor and land on the white lamia who had just gotten up
>Not satisfied with just one multi-floor elbow drop I start dragon-ning her to the top of the pagoda
"Holy Light grant me the strength necessary to lift her fat ass"
>Tired and breathing laboriously I make it to the top and see a danuki sitting in a chair behind a desk, like a boss in an office firm would be doing
>I'm not sure how I missed her the first time but I'll just chock that up to her being behind the lascivious lizard
"Who the fuck are you?"
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323630>>323632 >>323633 >>323639 >>323646 >>323647 >>323648 >>323653 >>323654 >>323709 >>323958
>>323629
<"Well as she was trying to tell you earlier. I'm her boss"
<"And I would very much like to speak to you"
>Even talking to a danuki is like nails on a chalkboard
>If was wasn't so debilitated from going through 13 floors and carrying an overgrown "goddess" up 13 floors
>I would smack the shit out of her and take her lunch money
>But for now I'll listen
"Alright shoot, what in the 9 Hells do you want from me?"
<"That's what I like to hear"
<"You see I run a very lucrative business as a… matchmaker, I run this business by doing favors for monstergirls who can't find a man, now no man would ever date horrendous crimes such as: second-degree ntr, holding hands with a married man (that isn't her father), selling manticore barbs, kidnapping a shota etc., consequentially they can't find work either, so I take it upon myself to… wipe the slate clean, give them a new beginning"
"And that ryu was a client of yours and that's why she calls you "boss"?"
<"Oh heavens no. ryu and other draconic species hold much more political sway and have many more friends in high places than I do, her and I just… worked out an arrangement, if that's what you want to call it"
>I hear thumping coming out from under the desk, then the danuki delivers a swift kick silencing it
<"Sorry about that. Just needed to stretch my leg. Now where was I? Right "new beginning" After they had started their new life and started a family, with two kids and a nice house in the suburbs, I wish to claim my payment for my service rendered, but I've run out of enforcers to collect this payment, and while I can just send threatening messages, by the time I leave the sixth horse head in their bed they get used to it"
>Feeling much better now after staring into the night sky and counting stars, making sure not to listen to her while doing so
"Alright enough exposition, what do you want?"
<"I want you"
"Me?"
>She just looks at me like I have a mental deficiency, which with how many times I've been hit in the head all my life, I wouldn't be surprised to have
<"Yes you! Now judging from your past interactions from monsters, I'll just give you the offer now…"
"Wait just a darn fucking moment, how do you know of my past transgressions with monsters?"
<"What you mean the time when you trademarked bag of holding just to spite my kind, or when you burned down that house owned by that wight?"
>My eyes go wide in surprise as I draw my sword and start walking towards her
"How do you know that?"
<"Like I said "I run lucrative business" it's not very hard to pay a kunoichi to follow you. I mean you paladins are interesting men, living your lives with nary a care of what people think of you, because after all "Who cares what a monster thinks" spurred on by thoughts of holy missions and stories of heroes long since past"
>Holy fuck I can feel the smugness radiating off of her
>I continue walking forward till I feel a chain wrap around my ankles and trip me
>I turn onto my ass to see a kunoichi running at me, kunai in hand
>I wait for her to get close enough and kick her right in the cooch
>Another comes out and quickly throws the slack of the chains over a ceiling beam, tying me up in the air, like a lamb to be slaughtered
>I swing my sword around keeping the other kunoichi who come out of the shadows at bay
<"Now that you're comfortable. Here's my proposal, you come work for me and I'll make everything that happend tonight disappear, The wight's house was burned by a gas leak, those kids were delinquents who were giving out free handholding sessions to whoever who asked, the rat girls… well they're rats, and it was that Illias follower who set this forest on fire. What do you say kid, deal?
>Holy fuck this is golden
>1. Should I accept her offer then punch her right in her ovaries when she lets her guard down
>2. Call her a jewnuki and threaten to "Nagaski knee drop" her through the ground
>3. Remind her that she didn't say the "™" part of the bag of holding™ and thus violated the NAP and is now subject the recreational nuclear strikes
>>323401
Other CYOA's get drawfags, I get a soundfag
▶ cb7fa1 (6) No.323631
It's been a long time since I have laughed this hard. Thanks OP. /monster/ confirmed, once again, for being comfiest board
▶ cb7fa1 (6) No.323632
| Rolled 4 (1d20) |
>>323630
We're on the top floor, correct? Why not get her nice and comfortable with thoughts of our employment, but right before any contracts are signed we dropkick her ass through the wall and/or window, and using the kunoichi's chains to keep us from falling with her.
▶ 2b40a8 (1) No.323633
| Rolled 18 (1d20) |
>>323630
Bully her and take her bag of gold around her neck, then get the other one, then set it all on fire and run while she is distracted.
▶ eb5510 (19) No.323639
| Rolled 19 (1d20) |
>>323630
Punch her, we'll improvise from there
▶ 463de9 (1) No.323646
| Rolled 2 (1d20) |
>>323630
Remove Danuki
▶ c99b61 (24) No.323647
| Rolled 16 (1d20) |
>>323630
3. Our rights shall not be infringed. She will pay for improperly referring to our bag of holding™
▶ 19cd91 (4) No.323648
| Rolled 13 (1d20) |
>>323630
>when she forgets to say trade marked
▶ 071c4a (4) No.323653
| Rolled 2 (1d20) |
>>323630
3.
WE MUST CLEANSE THE LAND WITH NUCLEAR HELLFIRE.
▶ fe4a79 (1) No.323654>>323667 >>323725 >>323977
| Rolled 1 (1d20) |
>>323630
Yes. These are most excellent terms. Very reasonable. I think it would be foolish not to accept this deal. Make sure to sign on the dotted line. Don't worry about the fine print it's all just formalities.
▶ 19cd91 (4) No.323667
>>323654
>Jewnuki rolls a 1
TRUELY GOD WATCHES IVER US!
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.323685>>323686
Option 3
Let us unleash holy retribution upon her.
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.323686>>323697
| Rolled 7 (1d20) |
>>323685
Forgot dice
▶ 19cd91 (4) No.323697>>323982
>>323686
And sage you damned turbo nigger.
▶ acfe55 (10) No.323709
| Rolled 5 (1d20) |
>>323630
>violating the NAP
Stupid bitch. Let's McNuke™ her sorry ass.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323725>>323817
>>323654
I didn't see no nat 1
▶ 3ab82b (1) No.323817
| Rolled 8 (1d20) |
>>323725
You wouldn't be trying to get out the deal, would you? It's all there in your contract and you must abide it. If you don't, I'll be forced to contact the Anti-Monster-Defamation League. Make sure the guest accepts the deal with a smile on his face.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323958>>323959
>>323630
>I feel something compel me a gnawing feeling in the back of my head telling me to sign this contract
>I drop my sword
"F-f-fine I-I'll s-sign it"
>I didn't say that, why did I say that?
<"Great. Now'll I just need you to sign here, here, here,here and here, next initial here, here, here, here, here and here, finally I'll just need your full name here. Good and we're done. Ladies if you could tie him up and follow me.
>They let me down and wrap more chains around my arms
>Just as they drag me through another door into a hallway I break out of their grasp and fall to the ground looking back at the room
>A fucking mind flayer was behind me
"I'LL GET YOU, YOU FUCKING OVERGROWN SQUID"
>They quickly pick me back up and start dragging me down the hallway again
"YOU BITCH YOU MIND FUCKED ME"
<"And that's not the only thing being fucked tonight"
>I start sweating bullets
"W-what do you mean?"
<"Ahhhh. Right you didn't get that much of a chance to read the contract"
<"Well to put it simply; most of it was a lie, the part about helping monster girls start new lives was real though and the part of wiping what happened tonight was real, but I have different use for you"
"What in the Light's holy name would that "use" be?"
<"I plan on making a porno as to better advertise my service"
"You have to be fucking kidding me. I won't do it. I refuse. A thousand times no. I plan on saving myself for marriage anyway"
<"Well IF you read that contract you would know that I put a marriage certificate in there, which you signed"
>I have no words left. I just blankly stare ahead
>The only sound in the hallway is my feet dragging along the wood floor, the footfalls of the guards dragging me and the (((jewnuki))) who tricked me
>We eventually stop at a door
<"Now don't worry about making a good shot, we set up tiny cameras all over the room to make sure we get the perfect angle. Every. Single. Time"
>No reason why she put such an emphasis on "every single time"
>They open the door and inside is nothing but pitch-black darkness and a cold draft that makes my spine tingle more than that time when that oni at the bar broke my back
>They quickly shove me in and shut the door behind me
<"Well you two have fun now!"
>Wait there is someone else in here
>I look around trying to find my "partner"
>Two blue lights shine in the darkness
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323959>>323960
>>323958
<"Are you my…"
>A timid voice speaks out from the direction the lights
"Husband? Well it seems that way now"
<*insert StunningEldritchBlast.mp4 here*
>distracted from my still ringing ears, and my heart beating so hard to could burst from my chest, I fail to react to her pouncing on me and ripping of my chains
>Shaking my head and bringing myself back to alertness, I start thrashing about trying to fight off this monster
>Eventually one of my kicks finds a lightswitch and turns the light on causing her to recoil in pain from the sudden change in brightness
>When my eyes adjust to the light I find a giant undead batgirl before me
>Still rubbing her eyes i examine the creature across from me.
>Hang on. I thought her kind weren't real. I've heard stories, rumors, nothing with any actual basis in reality, but those wings, her size, and those fangs tell me all I need to know
"t-t-t-TERRORGHEIST"
"D-don't touch me you monster"
>She finally finishes adjusting to the light
<"From my point of view, it looks like your friend downstairs is looking to be touched"
>What in the 9 hells does she mean?
>I look down to see myself completely erect, enough so to show through my pants
>Fucking fear boners
"What do you want with me?"
>She stands up fully, and easily dwarfs me
>So that's how it feels to date an amazon
<"Just lie back and relax. Now"
"Make me. You overgrown pet graveyard dropout"
>She dives at me, with unnatural speed, planting her claws right above me and pushing her body into mine
<"I see you wanna do lewd things, well I wanna do lewd things too"
>She pulls a claw from the wall and forcibly holds my hand with it
>I just want to die. What would the other paladins say if they knew I was handholding with a monster
>She then tosses me onto the bed and tears off my pants
>She notices that I had gone down to half mast and quickly takes my member inside her mouth with no warning
>Feeling a jolt of pleasure run through my body
>I was expecting it to be cold not so warm and, by the Holy Light, her tongue it feels…
>No I can't fail like this, I can't forget my vows
"Try as you might, monster, you won't make me surrender through such paltry means"
<"Good, then that means you won't mind if I move onto my lower mouth. But before that, tell me your name"
"Never! You overgrown rat with wings!"
>She starts to play with my cock using her hand to stroke it up and down, slowly and methodically
<"Are you sure about that? Because I can do this all night"
>She continues to jerk me off, wrapping her wings around me as I rest my head into her bosom
>She speeds up taking me to the edge then woefully slows down to a complete stop
<"How about this, I'll tell you my name first and then you tell me yours?"
<"You can call me Emiliya. Now what is your name?"
>Feeling ashamed and only wanting release at this point. I give in
"Alardin"
<"That's cute name, and for being so cooperative, you deserve a present"
>She lets go of me and lets me fall back into the bed
>Straddling me and placing her womanhood over my manhood
>I feel the anticipation eat at me as she looks at me expectantly
>She can't be
<"If you want me to continue, you're going to have to ask for it"
>Feeling my pride striped away already, I only focus on one thing. Pleasure
"Please p-put it inside"
<"Put what inside of who?"
>Holy shit she is even smugger than that fucking (((jewnuki)))
"Please put my dick inside of you, Emiliya"
>Just as I finish saying her name, she drops her hips onto me and starts pumping frantically
>Already feeling myself at the edge I bite my lip and try to hold it in
>Noticing my pained expression she slows down to a more gentle pace
<"There is that better? After all I don't want you coming so fast"
>With her working at such a slow pace, I feel everything her body has to offer
>Her tight ass, full breasts and most importantly those delicious ears
>I give her bat ears a rub, causing her to freeze up
>I continue in my ear-otic assault till she loses balance
>Gaining the upper hand I quickly pin her down, pumping in and out of her, while stroking her ears
<"Stop! Please! They're so sensitive…"
>Not paying heed to her warnings I start to speed up, eliciting cute moans every time I hilt into her
>Feeling myself reaching my finish, I nibble on her ears and whisper three simple words that would throw any monster over the edge
▶ bf6abc (39) No.323960>>323962 >>323963 >>323965 >>323966 >>323967 >>323976 >>323977 >>324003 >>324011 >>324066
>>323959
" I love you "
>She instantly tightens up and then wraps her legs and wings around me holding me deep inside her with no escape
>Our faces so close I can't help myself as I kiss her deeply
>Just as our lips touch we both finish and continue to hold one another in a loving embrace that would make a cupid blush
>She strokes my head as I fall asleep between her breasts
>I awake to see her still staring at me
>Blushing madly at what happened last night, I try to make some small talk to break the ice
"Did you sleep well last night?"
<"I'm an undead remember? We don't need to sleep, besides if I slept then I wouldn't get to watch you, now would I hubby?"
>Just then we hear knocking at the door
>I pull a pair of pants out of my bag of holding™ and put them on
>Opening the door I see the (((jewnuki)))
(((That was fantastic, such a display of domination and savage love making))) danuki text is white because fuck your nat 1's
(((We'll be rich, well I'll be richer, but you'll get your share of the sales)))
"Don't, like, people pirate porn nowadays?"
(((Yes of course that's true, but if we were to show it in movie theaters before they could get a physical copy to pirate…)))
"You can't be serious? How would you even get the approval to show it in theaters?"
(((I know a girl)))
"Can you elaborate?"
(((Sorry, no can do, ancient (((danuki))) secret)))
>1. Should I let her (((OYYYYY VEYYYY))) and show the world my fall?
>2. Or should I REMOVE JEWNUKI and keep it a secret?
▶ 19cd91 (4) No.323962>>323964
| Rolled 9 (1d20) |
>>323960
The only way we may redeem ourselves is to die. We will kill the jewnuki, we will kill the monster that stole our virginity, and we with go out in a blaze of glory.
The light has abandoned us, now we must serve a new god.
Blood For The Blood God.
ow the edge.
▶ 52a623 (2) No.323963
>>323960
Remove (((jewnuki)))
▶ 52a623 (2) No.323964>>324017
| Rolled 7 (1d20) |
>>323962
Forgot roll, and rolling for this.
▶ 0d6c51 (1) No.323965>>324017
| Rolled 11 (1d20) |
>>323960
the only sane solution is to exterminate everyone involved in the production
▶ c99b61 (24) No.323966
| Rolled 12 (1d20) |
>>323960
>implying there is even a choice other than 2.
▶ c75cef (1) No.323967
| Rolled 4 (1d20) |
>>323960
Fuck… I never meant for it to get this far out of hand. The (((Jewnuki))) post was merely a joke.
Nothing other than option 2 followed by a burning down of everything. Death at this point is glorious redemption. Should you survive it's straight to confession and subsequent absolution.
▶ eb5510 (19) No.323976>>323977 >>323997
| Rolled 20 (1d20) |
>>323960
>3 Kill yourself
▶ cb7fa1 (6) No.323977>>323997
| Rolled 4 (1d20) |
>>323960
OP, I am a tad bit curious here. Why is it you did exactly as >>323654 suggested, when his roll was a crit FAIL? Shouldn't that have implied the opposite to happen?
>>323976
Well fuck, guess we die anyway. Rolling that we get a visit by the ghost (whose house we engulfed in flames earlier) after we an hero.
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.323982
>>323697
The hell are you talking about? I did.
▶ cbc1f4 (2) No.323997
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
>>323976
Defeatist attitudes have no place here. Rolling for getting over the suicidal tendencies and removing (((Jewnuki))) until nothing remains but ash.
>>323977
Read the OP again. He said he would pick natural 1s, or 20s. Or whatever was the most popular if none are rolled.
▶ acfe55 (10) No.324003
| Rolled 9 (1d20) |
>>323960
GO NUCLEAR
▶ b93139 (9) No.324011>>324017
| Rolled 10 (1d20) |
>>323960
Send the (((danuki))) to the gas chambers and destroy all copies of the video before burning the whole place to the ground
▶ 8d5f3b (1) No.324017>>324020
>>324011
>>323964
>>323965
are you fags stupid or something? Charge her tree fiddy but do not specify how much money that would be, it will drive her insane.
▶ 636aef (7) No.324020
>>324017
Rolls have spoken anon. Blaze of glory. We die and take them all with us to hell.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.324066>>324067 >>324070 >>324084 >>324093 >>324096 >>324117 >>324313
>>323960
>Fuck this
>Fuck it all
>First a bunch a kids try to jack my candy
>Then a bunch of rat girls
>Finally I've been mindfucked then actually fucked
>Good thing I always had a contingency plan for this type of thing
>I reach into my bag of holding™ and pull out my mini thermonuclear bomb
>For when you have to go nuclear
<"Hubby. What's that thing your holding?"
"Redemption"
>I put in the pass code and set off the bomb
>In that instant I feel the weight of the world leave me
>All my pains, tiredness, and worries just disappear
>Then I hit the ground and it all comes crashing back ten fold
"What the fuck, I thought I died?"
>I look around the blasted landscape, sparse vegetation and… rivers of magma?
>Why am I naked also?
>Wait a second
<"Well, well, well what have we here?"
>I jump to my feet and turn around to see a devil
<"A paladin who earned his way into Avernus"
"Avernus? You can't mean, that I'm in the Nine Hells?"
<"That you are Mr.Paladin, and what a bad boy you've been to get yourself here you are"
>She pulls a check list out of nowhere, along with a quill, and starts marking off evil deeds I've done"
<"Arson, assault, battery, burglary, disturbing the peace, forgery,, fraud, harassment, hate crime, kidnapping, murder, robbery, shoplifting and well…"
>The list drops down to the ground and comically keeps rolling showing just how long it is
"So what are you gonna do? Punish me?"
>She smiles devilishly like a… devil
>What is she planning
<"Nope you're too chaotic for us here"
"So what does that mean?"
<"You get an all expenses paid trip to the Abyss"
<"But first you have to stand in the eternal line of bureaucracy"
>Fuck
▶ acfe55 (10) No.324070>>324072
| Rolled 16 (1d20) |
>>324066
>eternal line of bureaucracy
FUCK THAT NOISE
We're a paladindu. We don't follow no bitch's orders. Bitchslap her stupid face and go on a quest to become the uberpimp of the hells.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.324072>>324079 >>324082 >>324100 >>324111 >>324112 >>324119 >>324150 >>324168 >>324169 >>324230 >>324249 >>324284 >>324288
>>324070
If you want me to write that shit, you faggots better roll a 20 or 1, else I'm outta here
On a side note. What would you guys like the next story to be about?
▶ eb5510 (19) No.324074
| Rolled 16 (1d20) |
I didn't actually think I'd roll a twenty, sorry guys.
Lets see if I can get it again.
Rolling to have our ghost sword bring us back to life.
▶ 636aef (7) No.324079
| Rolled 13 (1d20) |
>>324072
Thanks to that lovely pic you posted, something to do with JoJo.
MC is a stand user and we go around fighting monster girls and other stand users.
▶ 90eee3 (7) No.324082
| Rolled 8 (1d20) |
>>324072
Come on man, it can't end here, it was just getting good. It's been too long since the board has had a good paladin quest. I'm rolling for some dues ex machina here. Come on, it's hell, do as the demons do Rip and Tear!
▶ c99b61 (24) No.324084
| Rolled 9 (1d20) |
>>324066
PUNCH
▶ 5dfdf7 (2) No.324093>>324094
| Rolled 16 (1d20) |
>>324066
Fuck it, fight our way out of hell or get summoned out it by some ex-machina that OP has to make up to do so.
▶ 5dfdf7 (2) No.324094
>>324093
Sorry guys, I tried. Also the dice seems to favor the number 16 today.
▶ 84f86a (1) No.324096
| Rolled 7 (1d20) |
>>324066
RIP AND TEAR
▶ b93139 (9) No.324100>>324102
| Rolled 12 (1d20) |
>>324072
I'll give it a shot
Even in Hell we need to continue our rampage and wreak havoc across the afterlife
▶ 636aef (7) No.324102>>324103
>>324100
YES! RIP 'N TEAR!
▶ 636aef (7) No.324103
| Rolled 4 (1d20) |
>>324102
Forgot roll
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.324105
| Rolled 6 (1d20) |
Let's have a go at it lads!
▶ cb7fa1 (6) No.324111
| Rolled 12 (1d20) |
>>324072
Dropkick the bitch into the abyss.
Make a new bag of holding out of the list.
Set the place more on fire.
RIP AND TEAR
Become the stuff of legends alluded to in your next tale.
▶ 4a45dd (6) No.324112>>324116
| Rolled 19 (1d20) |
>>324072
NAT 20 GET
▶ 636aef (7) No.324116
| Rolled 18 (1d20) |
>>324112
Goddamnit. So fucking close.
▶ ebf88e (1) No.324117
| Rolled 18 (1d20) |
>>324066
>"But first you have to stand in the eternal line of bureaucracy"
and while you're waiting, they make you read OLD MAGAZINES.
▶ eb5510 (19) No.324119
>>324072
The next thread should be about Christmas of course.
I won't suggest killing ourselves this time I promise.
▶ 2dec7e (1) No.324122
| Rolled 18 (1d20) |
RIP AND TEAR NIGGA
▶ 655866 (2) No.324150
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
>>324072
Rolling for a grand new adventure! With a new destiny we claim each of the Hells under our dominion. Ripping, tearing, maiming, enslaving, and subjugating our way through to end. Maybe even make a pal on the march to victory. Succubi, demons, imps, all manner of creatures as far as the eye can reach. Every single one of them ready and ripe for conquest. Oh the things we shall see! The things we shall do! Surely this will be a quest to rival all others. Onward!
This story is very enjoyable to read and participate in. It would be a shame if it had to end so quickly. Should you decide to end this one for good then my vote would be for a story on a long camping trip. Or a scientist working for a major company trying to develop something.
▶ acf81a (7) No.324168
| Rolled 6 (1d20) |
>>324072
Continue the story!
▶ c73f3f (5) No.324169>>324170
| Rolled 84 (1d120) |
>>324072
BLOOD AND GLORY
▶ c73f3f (5) No.324170
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
>>324169
fug, wrong side number
▶ 071c4a (4) No.324186
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
WE'RE GONNA MAKE DOOMGUY LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN COMMIE PACIFIST.
▶ 655866 (2) No.324230
| Rolled 9 (1d20) |
>>324072
The Abyss can wait. This smug slut needs a good punching.
▶ c99b61 (24) No.324249
>>324072
Numbers appear to have failed us. If we can't go purging demons in hell, then let's go purging matango in the weald.
▶ eb5510 (19) No.324284>>324288
>>324072
>no one has rolled a 20
I guess RNGods want this story over.
Damnit op, why did you have to write our character like a cuck? I wouldn't have told him to kill himself if he didn't become a complete beta cuck after getting raped.
Seriously, >Please p-put it inside
How can anyone think paladindu will be doom guy after such a shameful display?
▶ 16493c (1) No.324288
| Rolled 4 (1d20) |
>>324072
Emergency CPR-roll. Much more still left to explore. If it doesn't work then good read writefag.
>>324284
I guess you could toss it up to the "mindflayer" part.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.324313>>324315 >>324316 >>324320 >>324377 >>324394 >>324404 >>324554 >>324681
>>324066
"Well is there anything to read at least when I wait in line?"
<"Sure thing"
>She hands me a magazine from 1991
>I open it up to take a read, but then I remember I can't read
>So I just look at the colorful pictures
>For some reason she just stands there smiling and watching me flip through the magazine
>I finish skimming through and hand if back to her
"Anymore magazine"
>Her smile grows wider than a cheshires' and hands me back the magazine I just handed back to her
"Ha, bloody, ha. Now do you have anything else to read around here?"
<"Nope"
>Fucking devils
>I keep looking through the magazine for anything I missed the first time
>Then the rare divine spark to intelligence rolls through my head
>I start laughing at the magazine, acting entertained and gaining her interest
<"What's so funny? I've read through that magazine at least 10,000 times and it's a Sears catalog"
"ha, ha, ha, It's this part right here"
>Just as she bends over to take a look at it, I grab one of her horns and kick her leg out from under her while driving her, stupid smug face, into the ground
>I take a big rock and just before I turn her head into jam, I feel a metal object hit my head causing me to flinch and crush her stupid rib cage instead
>I look around to see who could've thrown it, but all I see is others in the line waiting
>I pick up the object and see that it was my helmet, scorched and partially melted but still okay
>Even though I'm still totally naked, my helmet makes me feel fully clothed
>I leave the line magazine still in hand and start looking for a possible way out
>Just as I step out of the crowd line separators I hear the sounds of wolfs howling
>Squinting my eyes, I look towards the horizon and see a pack of hellhounds
"Hang on a second. Why are hellhounds in hell? I thought they were untamable by even the gods? Shouldn't they be in the abyss or something like that? Shouldn't they be called abysshounds also?"
>Some faggot pipes up from the line
>"Because abysshounds doesn't have the same ring. Also, to answer your other questions, demons usually come through portals and raid us for slaves and husbands or slavehusbands"
>I kick the faggot in the dick for interrupting my existential questioning about the nomenclature of "hellhounds"
>I look over to see the "hell"hounds had gotten closer and are now circling me
>A big "hell"hound 4u stands up from the pack demanding my surrender
<"We'll give you one chance. Surrender and maybe we'll go easy on your pelvis"
"I'm not trapped in hell with you! You're trapped in hell with me!"
>Rolling up my magazine
"Come get me you tanar'ri piece of shit"
>The alpha "hell"hound pounces at me. Using my HOLY MAGAZINE OF SMITE EVIL +3 I strike down at her head, stopping her midair and sending her down in the wasteland ground leaving a cartoon imprint of her body
>Pulling her out of the "hell"wan shaped hole I smack her till she wakes up
<"Huh, what happened? Did I win?"
"Yeah, you won an all expense paid trip to beatdown city "
>I smack her across the cheek sending her skidding across the ground
>She stands up again, fire burning even brighter while she brandishes her teeth
>Again she tries to pounce at me, this time though I send her flying near the magma river near us
>Dunking her head into the magma like dunking a nerd's head into a toilet bowl
>Looking back I notice the whole pack is snickering and stifling laughter
>Time to shame the alpha in front of her pack
>Pulling her out of the magma river and putting her over my knee
>Using my magazine like a paddle I spank the """"""alpha"""""" "hell"hound till she cries out in mercy
<"I'm sorry for trying to attack you! Now just stop, please!"
"If you are sorry, then did you bring the cupcakes of sorriness?"
<"No…"
>Next stop spank city
>I keep going till her tears put our her eye flames and her subordinates are laughing harder than an oni laughs at the idea of sobriety
>Finished fully disgracing her, I set my eyes on the rest of her pack
"Ohhh… I ain't finished yet."
>The laughter stops as I jump into the pack, hitting them upside, beside, downside, and backside till I'm the only one left standing
>Now then time to get back to earth
>I look around again for any landmarks but the only one I can find is a bronze tower about, uhhhh… really, really far away
>1. I could go looking for the portal the "hell"hounds came out of and maybe find a way out there
>2. Could go towards the bronze tower and maybe find a way there
>3. *insert, whatever the fuck, choice you want here*
inb4 one of you faggots rolls a 20 and tells me to kys again
▶ 636aef (7) No.324315
| Rolled 16 (1d20) |
>>324313
Smash out head through the nearest official looking building and say pic related before slaughtering them as doomguy intended.
▶ c99b61 (24) No.324316>>324317 >>324321 >>324323
| Rolled 19 (1d20) |
>>324313
What happens if we kill ourselves in hell? Do we wake up in the same spot we entered, another location possibly closer to the tower, or do we end up in the abyss?
Let's find out.
▶ c99b61 (24) No.324317
>>324316
>19
Shoot. Off by one to fulfill OP's prediction.
▶ b93139 (9) No.324320>>324323
| Rolled 14 (1d20) |
>>324313
bronze tower sounds fun, but killing yourself while already dead sounds interesting too
▶ eb5510 (19) No.324321>>324323
| Rolled 19 (1d20) |
>>324316
>What happens if we kill ourselves in hell?
Why do we even have a body in hell? Shouldn't we be like a ghost or something.
I didn't think this thread would lead to existential questions.
Pretty sure the REAL reason we went to hell was because that ghost sword cursed us, after all everything else we did was perfectly justifiable. Rolling to go through hellhound portal and break the sword and release the ghost trapped within who will become our stand/love interest
▶ c99b61 (24) No.324327
>>324323
Hey, you brought up killing ourself again and made me curious. Otherwise I would have never even asked myself "What is it to truly die?" and go through a bunch of philosophical bullshit.
▶ 75d68a (3) No.324377>>324394
| Rolled 14 (1d20) |
>>324313
Good to have you back.
Search the now thoroughly shamed wans, and admittance slut, for any useful equipment or stuff. Drag said wans to the portal and chug them through, letting whoever sent them know that they are no longer welcome. Then set off to the tower in the distance.
▶ 7bfdaf (1) No.324394
| Rolled 13 (1d20) |
>>324313
Go for this but take a trophy off of the 4uHound to show that you ain't a bitch.
>>324377
▶ acfe55 (10) No.324404
| Rolled 11 (1d20) |
>>324313
Loot the hellwans. Also bully the alpha some more until she tells us stuff.
▶ c73f3f (5) No.324554
| Rolled 6 (1d20) |
>>324313
Fuck the hellhound until it's pregnant; this will be the first part of our conquest of hell
▶ bf6abc (39) No.324681>>324683 >>324691 >>324692 >>324694 >>324703 >>324706 >>324723 >>324732 >>324795 >>324806
>>324313
>I look back towards the faggot I kicked in the dick
"Hey. What happens if I kill myself again?"
>"I dunno. They only ever torture us non-lethally. Office monotony/bureaucracy or they make us listen to horrible puns"
"What about the lava river or magma river. Are we above ground or below ground? Either way, doesn't that kill a couple of people?"
>He shrugs his shoulders
>"I didn't even know there was a difference between the two, and no the lava/magma river is more like a really hot jacuzzi if anything."
>Looking back to the devil girl who's ribcage I turned to paper
"Well the rocks seem to work well enough. Be right back, or not I don't know what's gonna happen"
>Grabbing a well sized rock, I take off my helmet and begin to beat my own head with said rock
>Man this fucking hurts, I thought when you died your body became incorporeal
>Well, I mean you can't really torture a ghost, beyond putting on shitty music
>I keep beating my head till I realize I'm not doing anything besides giving myself a concussion
>I get up planning on looking for another way to commit suicide
>Fortunately I slip and hit my head on a sharp jutting rock and pass out
>I wake up again in a place of complete darkness
"Where the fuck am I?"
<"WELCOME TO THE ABYSS BITCH. THAT'S RIGHT YOU'RE GONNA BE MY BITCH. I'M GOING TO SELL YOU FOR A CIGARETTE, BUT NOT BEFORE I VIOLATE YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE MY BITCH"
>Some minotaur bitch comes out of the darkness and screams right into my ear
>Hang on I got an idea
"What happens if I die again?"
<"Jeez kid, that's kinda dark. You already died once and now you're in the abyss, and it can't get much worse than this."
"So you don't know what happens if I die again? I already died twice and first I went to the Nine Hells, now I'm here, I just wanna see how far this goes"
>She looks at me like you look at a man marrying a matango
>Just before she can open her mouth to reply back I grab her horns and start trying to break one off
>She bucks and kicks, trying to throw me off
"DON'T MAKE ME RUIN YOUR HORNS. I'M A WARRIOR"
>I plant a foot and her face and start pulling with all my might
>The horn breaks off at the base and I fall to the ground
>The minotaur girl is left holding the spot where one of her horns used to be
"Time to commit sodoku"
>Pushing the sharp blade-like tip into my stomach and dragging it along my abs, causing my intestines and to fall out
>I feel myself grow cold and life ebb from my fingertips first then progress it's way till it reaches my heart. Then everything goes dark once again
>I wake up to a cold room, where the walls are the floors and the ceiling is the ground and non-euclidean architecture writhes around my room
"Where in the ever living fuck am I"
<"Ny'althoa, the city of dreams"
>A shoggoth?
"Quick I must know. What happens if I die again?"
<"No-"
"Didn't answer fast enough"
>I jump out of the nearest window and fall down, eventually feeling a sharp crack of pain then darkness
>I wake up and see the shoggoth
<"As I was saying. Nothing you reached the end."
>Well just fuck me sideways. Whichever way that is in the nightmare realm
"Is there anyway out?"
<"Well there is one. The great seal"
>She points outside the window pointing to a giant circular door with a depiction of an old god with endless writhing tentacles
>I notice the city outside is built like a complete cylinder
>How the fuck that works, I do not know
<"But that door has to be opened from the waking realm, and due to the fact that the door in the waking realm is located underneath an old and venerable estate, and with the knowledge of such a door lost to the winds of time. I doubt it would open this millennium or the next"
>WellFuckMeSideways^2
<Now then. I've never been to the waking world, could you perhaps tell me of it?"
>I look at my non-existent watch and sigh
>Well I got time to kill
>1. Should I indulge her curiosities and if I do, what should I tell her?
>2. Do something else. Like anything else that doesn't involve an antediluvian maid from beyond our nightmares
>3. KMS till something happens, it worked last time, so somethings bound to happen again. Right?"
I'm about to make suicide a staple option in every choice in every cyoa I do from now on
▶ b93139 (9) No.324683>>324732
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
>>324681
Tell the shoggy of our grand exploits and how shit's super fucked up there now.
Then try and break down the big ass door
▶ 515cd5 (4) No.324691>>324700 >>324732
| Rolled 6 (1d20) |
>>324681
Eh, talk to the shog, WE ARE at the end. This is a dream realm, why don't you imagine the key to open that big door.
▶ acfe55 (10) No.324692>>324693
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
>>324681
Snort the shoggoth up like a poor man's cocaine.
▶ acfe55 (10) No.324693
>>324692
Fuck, forgot my sage
▶ c99b61 (24) No.324694>>324703
| Rolled 10 (1d20) |
>>324681
This is the perfect opportunity to wait for humanity to reclaim Earth in the name of the Light. The truth always prevails, and since we can’t die here we should just wait until the door opens naturally, as by then humanity will have won the war with mamono and we can enter a perfect world ruled by the Holy Light right?
▶ 100a2b (1) No.324700
| Rolled 19 (1d20) |
>>324691
I'll vote for imagining a key to the door, and indulging her should that fail
▶ eb5510 (19) No.324703>>324729
>>324681
Punch her in the face as revenge for that other shoggoth mind controlling us then pull on her tentacles until she reveals where the door actually is and when it actually opens, she's obviously just lying to keep us talking to her.
>>324694
We can't wait for a millennium, we have to get that demon sword, it would be a real loose end not to
▶ 4a45dd (6) No.324706
| Rolled 19 (1d20) |
>>324681
3. We might as well keep going.
▶ 572ee6 (1) No.324723>>324732
| Rolled 14 (1d20) |
>>324681
Don't dismiss her just yet. Seeing as she hasn't tried to rape you silly in your 80% nude state, you would probably be safe to assume she has no ulterior motive for the moment. Seeing as how she has no knowledge of the outside world you could use this opportunity to shape her into a worthy companion. A starborn old one might be a powerful ally considering where you are currently. Sit down and get comfortable. Who knows you might just enjoy yourself.
Give her an earnest recollection of your upbringing. How your father instilled you with pride, honour, and the importance of starting a family. How your mother brought you up in a house of long tradition and caring. Tell her about the church's teachings and the Holy Light. That is if you still believe after what happened. Tell her about how the world was changed and split by dotr. Round off with your own story and how you ended up where you are now and ask her to tell her story in return.
▶ 90eee3 (7) No.324729
>>324703
That wasn't a shog before , that was a mind flayer, two completely different entities. The mind flayer is more D&D while the shog comes from lovecraft.
▶ 29c697 (1) No.324732
| Rolled 6 (1d20) |
>>324681
>>324683
>>324691
>>324723
Chat up miss shoggy maid.
▶ acf81a (7) No.324795
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
>>324681
Indulge with her my guy. You're at the literal end. She might say something clever or at the very least interesting.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.324806>>324810 >>324812 >>324821 >>324823 >>324827 >>324837 >>324838 >>324887 >>324917 >>324959 >>325015 >>325101
>>324681
>Well I've reach the bottom of the rabbit hole. Death doesn't lead me anywhere else besides this soft bed, that strangely squirms around
"So what do you wanna know?"
<"I want to hear about you"
>She shifts forward, eager to hear my tale
>I let out a deep sigh and lay back down, preparing to tell my life story
"Take a seat. This is going to be a long one"
"I was born in the mystical year of 1992, in the god-forsaken realm of 'Canada' where the Saturday morning cartoons were the shit and every kid read Berenstain bears, and it wasn't a porno like how they made it is today. I never knew my parents, I was just dropped off at the church of the Holy Light. When it came to leave home on mission work and spread the word of the Light, I opted to instead perform a crusade… Needless to say, I'm now wanted in 48 countries for multiple accounts of arson and murder; to be fair though, most of those I killed were undead. or are now undead Yadda yadda yadda one thermonuclear bomb, rock head busting, and horn sodoku later and here I am"
>She looks utterly confused at me, like I just stated that kikimoras are the superior maid
<"What's this 'Holy Light' you speak of?"
>Finally a chance to sperge out about my religion and not get arrested for promoting monster hate speech
"The light that each of us humans hold in our soul. The spark of divinity that separates us from lesser creatures, along with the courage to perform great deeds in its service"
"Well that's the ad lib version"
>She looks at me puzzlingly
<"Strange, my father always told me about how your kind always tried to stomp out any cult dedicated to my mother"
"Alright. First things first, we never preached about tolerance, if some fucker is doing heresy, you stomp it out before it grows. Second, you have a dad? And a mother?"
<"Well. Yes, did you think I spawned out of the cosmos itself?"
"I thought that's where your kind comes from? Just a collection of stardust, nightmare fuel and semen."
<"There are more of me? In the waking realm, correct?"
"Yes, many more and most of you(?) take it upon yourself(s) to become the maid to a mastah"
>She looks towards the air and brings a hand to her chin, in an almost "thinking" position
<"Ah! I remember, dad always told me about how he tried to summon my mother from this place using a portal, which he also fell into, and as you can see it didn't work. Strange enough also, I used to hear my dad wake up screaming about 'Old man Henderson and his fucking lawn gnomes' but I digress. I can hypothesize that perhaps pieces of my mother made it through the portal before it closed and thus started living their own lives as maids."
"But why are they all maids?"
<"Probably has to due with the fact that it's my mother's biggest fetish. Now can I get you anything master?"
"Yeah, you can get me out of here"
>We both share a quick laugh
"You were joking, right?"
<"Uhhhh… Yeah 'joking' heh"
>I hear the suspicious sound fine china rattling behind her
>With that my mind wanders back to her parents
"So where are your parents now?"
<"They've been currently indisposed in their bed room. Together. For the last five millennium"
>I would've spit out my drink if I had one
"What the Hells are they doing in there?"
>We both go quiet and hear the odd sound of a bed creaking
"Right, stupid question. But here's a better question: does your dad know of a way out, besides waiting?"
<"Well when I listen in on my mother and father talking, I hear him mention a cult of 'Tentacle brained cunts that won't stop calling me'."
<"We could ask him about that or do our own snooping. Of course, if you want to speak to my father you're interrupting them, last time I did that I scarred my memory with visions of horrors even beyond my own imagining"
"Why the fuck are you telling me to do it? Won't I go insane then?"
<"Well you've went this long in this realm with no ill effects and most mortals who simply gaze into this place end up institutionalized. Besides you're probably used to this sort of thing"
"What the fuck does that mean?"
>She turns around and starts to walk(?) away
<"If you need me I'll be in my father's study looking for a way to contact those cultists. Feel free to look around or interrupt my parents"
"Hang on do you-"
>Where the hell did she go? I was going to ask her for some clothes
>Fucking shoggoths
>While in the search for some modesty I find a TV
>I turn it on to see that reruns of Futurama are playing
>ISeeYou'reAManOfCultureAsWell.jpg
>Shit I got quiet the conundrum here
>1. Do I sit and watch Futurama and let that shoggoth bitch figure things out
>2. Go and interrupt her parents and risk viewing things that my mortal eyes shouldn't
>3. Let's split up gang and look for clues and clothes
>4. KMS It's that fucking dog episode playing, I can't handle something this sad
▶ eb5510 (19) No.324810
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
>>324806
>The light is an energy in every person
Wait, is the light the force?
Rolling for 2, her father will kick us out of this dimension
▶ 5a624d (1) No.324812
| Rolled 19 (1d20) |
>>324806
Rolling for 1, take it easy we have all the time in the universe
▶ 515cd5 (4) No.324821
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
>>324806
Fuck we done enough for the moment, let him watch some futurama then get some clothing and clues and if come out empty we just put a temporary stop to their eternal love making. Ignore her warning about
VISIONS OF HORRORS
Paladin-kun, is probably way too chaotic for that to have any impact on him.
▶ b93139 (9) No.324823
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
>>324806
Nothing ventured nothing gained, right? Go and demand some answers from her parents. If you happen to see some heresy going on, smite that shit.
▶ 636aef (7) No.324827
| Rolled 16 (1d20) |
>>324806
Interrupt and ask where they keep the Doritos. Just because we're dead dosen't mean we can't eat something.
▶ 12f550 (7) No.324837>>324840
>>324806
>Born in Canada
A FUCKING LEAF
F
U
C
K
I
N
G
L
E
A
F
▶ 12f550 (7) No.324838>>324840
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
>>324806
Rolling for option 2
▶ e7670f (1) No.324887
| Rolled 12 (1d20) |
>>324806
Firstly, ask for her name. Secondly, what does the house look like? Go look around for some clothing. If it's a house there might be something resembling a laundry room. Perhaps the farther has some dry clothing you can take. Poke around a bit. You can even find the room of the shog. Might find something interesting there.
▶ 3afc77 (1) No.324917>>325015
| Rolled 14 (1d20) |
>>324806
#3. Find pants and a shirt. Then go back to the best maid and whisper her sweet nothings until she tells you all about this place.
▶ acf81a (7) No.324959
| Rolled 13 (1d20) |
>>324806
Dream yourself some slick full plate armour to go with your helmet for when things probably go wrong. If you can't then find some stuff to wear from the house. Maybe ask the maid for help.
▶ 3426a1 (1) No.325015
| Rolled 11 (1d20) |
>>324806
>>324917
▶ bf6abc (39) No.325101>>325102 >>325105 >>325112 >>325115 >>325127 >>325216 >>325258
>>324806
>I get up from the couch and stretch my legs, while taking in the room around me
>The best I could describe this place is 'Victorian mansion mixed with 90's man cave and a dash of cyclopean architecture'
"Well you know what they say, 'Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn' whatever that means"
>Futurama can wait, right now I need to find a way out and knowing that damn shoggoth she's probably taking her sweet ass time
>So it leaves it up to me to get shit done
>I start to walk up the stairs and moving closer to the door that I hear creaking from
>The whole world goes completely pitch black
>I can only see a few feet in front of me
>As I get closer I begin to hear female moans
>Even though it's just moans it sounds alien and is giving me a headache
>I stand in front of the door, complete and utter dread consumes me
>I start to knock on the door, and I receive no answer
>I try knocking again more forcefully this time, again no answer
>All the fear of the unknown completely leaves my body and is replaced by frustration
>I start banging on the door
>What the fuck? Are they deaf or something?
>Fuck this I tried being gentle
>I kick down the door and find the light switch, flickering on and off the lights
"WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU LAZY AMORPHOUS ASSHOLES"
>A naked man in his late forties with graying hair jumps out of the bed, throwing his covers off in the process
>GODS DAMMIT R'LYEH! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT INTERRUPTING MOMMY AND DADDY TIME
>His face goes from anger to confusion
>"Hang on. You're not my daughter. Who the fuck are you and why aren't you wearing clothes?"
"I'm trying to get out of here! Also where do you keep the Doritos?"
>"That's not what I meant you- Hang on. That sigil on your helmet, it's symbolizing the Holy Light does it not?"
"Yeah, what of it, you pile of goo worshiping old man?"
>"I wouldn't talk ill about our religion, fellow devotee of the Light"
>He didn't just say what I thought he just said, did he?
"Say that again. Heathen"
>"Where do you think the magic that heals allies and smites 'evil' comes from? Did you think it came from the purity of humanity?"
"I know where my divine powers come from, and they do NOT come from faith in some blob in outer space"
>"Oh please, I know of your ilk and what atrocities you performed in the name of the 'Holy Light'. Besides think about it, what entity of good and righteousness would give their favor to a sect of lawless murderers who only act in their own interest."
>He gets up close enough that I could see the shog-slime left on his face
> "Also the Doritos are shit"
>I take a look at the clock
"Good heavens would you look a the time"
>"Huh? Time has no meaning in thi-
"IT'S SMITING TIME"
>I sucker punch him then grab the back of his head and knee him in it, breaking his nose
>"YOU BASTARD!"
>I tackle him into his bed
>I wrap my hands around his neck and start to
>FUCKING THROTTLE IT
>He knees me in the crotch causing me to let go
>From there we both start wrestling and throwing punches
>MMA bedroom edition
<HAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
>We both turn our heads to see who the hell was laughing and see the shog-mom and shog-daughter, standing in the doorway, laughing from their many mouths
"What the fuck is so funny?"
<"What? You mean besides two naked men wrestling in a bed?"
>Thatsgay.jpg
"Wait, no this isn't what it looks like"
>They're both trying to hold back their laughter
>The shog-mom straightens her face
<"Well what is it then?"
"We were fighting. That's all"
<"Well I can't have you two fighting all the time, so I'll have you two make up"
>The bed starts to shift and swallows the both of us
>When the darkness leaves me I see the heretic sitting across from me locked in a chair and I in a similar predicament
<"Well you two have fun now!"
>We both just stare at each other not saying a word
>I try to struggle out of the chair but to no avail
>Well the only ways I'm getting out of here are
>1. Swallowing my pride and saying sorry
>2. Wait for him to swallow his pride and say sorry
>3. Shoot the shit. Try to forget this happened and try to move on from this
>4. Try to KMS
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.325102
>>325101
Option 3 we are a proud paladin who dindu nuffin. There is nothing to apologize for
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.325103
| Rolled 13 (1d20) |
Forgot sage
▶ c99b61 (24) No.325105
| Rolled 10 (1d20) |
>>325101
4. If we can pull off killing ourself we don’t have to wait for either of us fess up for doin nuffin.
▶ b93139 (9) No.325112>>325115
| Rolled 2 (1d20) |
>>325101
4. Bite our own tongue off or something. That'll show 'em.
▶ 4a45dd (6) No.325115
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
>>325101
Call him a fag, then >>325112
▶ de8b17 (1) No.325127>>325130 >>325132
| Rolled 7 (1d20) |
>>325101
Kill ourselves, hopefully wake up not in the BDSM chair, untie the heretic, and continue our glorious fight.
▶ 515cd5 (4) No.325130>>325145
| Rolled 8 (1d20) |
>>325127
Well my rolls have been shit let me just add KYS but by bursting into flames. this world doesn't seen to be bound by logic, just think about bursting into a fiery ball. also call the old fudd, gay for wrestling with a nude man instead of awkwardly backing alway from the nude paladin.
▶ fb052d (1) No.325132
| Rolled 4 (1d20) |
>>325127
Rolling for this.
▶ eb5510 (19) No.325145
| Rolled 5 (1d20) |
>>325130
Rolling that we get so angry that we burst into flames
▶ c73f3f (5) No.325198
| Rolled 12 (1d20) |
>All these shitty rolls
Just apologize ffs
▶ ffdf16 (1) No.325216
| Rolled 9 (1d20) |
>>325101
Apologize then ask for some clothes, advice on how to leave, and his daughter's hand in marriage.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.325258>>325259 >>325271
>>325101
>Fuck this. I'm not saying sorry when I did nothing wrong
>Besides this is the Nightmare realm, I can just make myself burst into flames with a thought
>Putting all my mental facilitates to one sole though
>Turning into a fucking human pyre
>"What the fuck are you doing?"
"I'm trying to burst into flames by using my imagination"
>He looks at me with a face of utter fucking confusion, then lets out a deep sigh
>"That's not how that works you fucking moron. This place isn't called the Nightmare realm because it's an actual dream, but a place akin to a nightmare."
"But your daughter told me that the real world is the waking world."
>"Yeah, and my wife can see into the future and that didn't help when some, Scottish accented, Hawaiian t-shirt, mohawk wearing mother fucker drove a…"
>"FUCKING TANKER TRUCK INTO MY ASS AND SET OFF A BOMB"
>"My last sight was seeing that FUCKER skate away on his heelies
>He seems a bit miffed about it
"Yeah… So how long is she gonna keep us here?"
>"Forever or until one of us says 'sorry'"
>I ain't got time for that. I quickly bring my head forward then try bashing it on the headrest of the chair, which promptly turns to jello before my head impacts
>I try to wiggle myself onto the floor but the chair is seemingly apart of the ground
>Fuck well it seems I'll just have to swallow my pride and…
>Hang on. She didn't gag my mouth
>I stick my tongue out and start biting into it
>Man this is going to fucking hurt
>I bring my head back and take a deep breath
>"Hey kid! What the hell are you doing?"
>I jolt my head forward hitting my chest and biting deep into my tongue drawing a large amount off blood
"HOLY THUCK! THISSS THUCKING HURS"
>I try again and again till it completely comes off
>Tilting my head and just letting the pain overtake me while I drown on my own blood
>Darkness consumes me as I find myself back in the bed
>I run back to the room and grab the helmet left by my body and start to untie him
>"Good idea, this way neither off us-"
>Just as he stand up I punch him in his face
>"Oh, so that's how you want it"
>He grabs the clock off the dresser and breaks it across my helmet and makes me wish I had padding underneath
>I put my hand up to stop him
"Stop! First, we need some clothes"
>"I can agree on that, makes it so my wife can have fun cleaning the blood out of my whites"
>He throws me a pair of boxer briefs
>ManOfCulture.jpg
>"Don't worry it's clean"
>Next some black pants and a white button up shirt
>He wears similar attire
"Ready?"
>"Ready to kick your ass"
>Fucking smug bastard
>I tackle his ass through the window and start beating the shit out of him
>The scumbag grabs a piece of glass stabs me in the chest and pushes me off of him
>I pull out the glass shard and kick him in his balls
>I drag him over to the fence and start to beat the fence with his face
>It breaks and sends both of us spiraling down a hill
>We land into the streets as he kicks me off and sends me flying
>He grabs a manhole and bashes me across my helmet
>As he goes for another swing I grab it and kick him in the stomach sending him into the sewers
>Ohhh, you ain't getting off that easy
>I jump in after him
>While I search for him in the water he jumps up behind me and pushes me under
>I try to struggle but I just makes me use up more oxygen
>I feel myself about to pass out when I hear rumbling
>A torrent of water hits us and saves me from death by sewage
>I grab him by his ankle and pull him under while I get a gasp of not so fresh air
>The shifts and knocks both of us away from one another and into the stone walls
>When the water starts to calm down we continue in our makeshift water-polo boxing match
>Just as I get him into a headlock he points forward to the waterfall
>Letting him go I try to swim away, as does he but to no avail
>We both start to fall down into the endless pit
▶ bf6abc (39) No.325259>>325265 >>325268 >>325272 >>325278 >>325393 >>325414
>>325258
"THIS IS YOUR FAULT YOU HERETIC"
>"LAST TIME I CHECKED YOU STARTED THIS WHOLE ORDEAL. MR. I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH"
>We bicker the whole way down and even in complete darkness till the sounds of the waterfall ending drowns us out
>When I land I try to struggle but the force of HUNDREDS OF GALLONS OF WATER landing on me force me under till I go under
>My last feeling being the sensory deprivation of drowning in the dark
>When I come to I find myself on an underground coast to an old city
>I get up and start walking guiding myself with the stray ray of light till I find an open greek style theater
>When I stare down into the center illuminated by a ray of sunlight from the cave (cove?) ceilings
>I see… HIM
>He's tied to a pole and an angler fish girl is talking to him
>I can see figures in the dark, of the rest of the theater, shifting and moving
>Sheeeit
>1. Do I try to save him? and if how should I go about it, stealth or loud?
>2. kms and gtfo. Any requests on how you want it done?
>3. Maybe they'll just let me in? I don't see no sign that says "No paladindus"
▶ c99b61 (24) No.325265>>325270
>>325259
3. Let’s see this heretic burned on this ungodly pole. Not like he doesn’t deserve what’s coming to him. Besides, he can’t even die, what’s the worst thing to happen?
▶ 2e851b (1) No.325268
| Rolled 11 (1d20) |
>>325259
Go in swinging. Smash the fish girls faces in an continue our fight with the heretic.
Also I got your reference m8.
▶ c99b61 (24) No.325270
| Rolled 2 (1d20) |
>>325265
Fuck forgot roll.
▶ eb5510 (19) No.325271>>325292
| Rolled 3 (1d20) |
>>325258
Save him, but not before we get him to admit that there is literally nothing wrong with killing and only cucks think otherwise
"What? You don't want to be raped? Well, I'd love to help but seeing as violence not the way I can't do anything to help you"
▶ 515cd5 (4) No.325272
| Rolled 5 (1d20) |
>>325259
Save the twat and pic related to the secondary option.
▶ b7d1b8 (7) No.325278
| Rolled 2 (1d20) |
>>325259
Save him, we might need for fists for what is about to go down.
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.325292
| Rolled 10 (1d20) |
>>325271
We need to be smug about it too. Maybe get this heretic to apologize while we're at it.
▶ 81b80b (1) No.325393>>325637
| Rolled 1 (1d20) |
>>325259
#1. Take it slow. Free his ass then say he owes you something that is important to him. If you get caught then there's the loud option. Also stay away from the fishy slut.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.325414>>325416
>>325259
>Alright time to save a heretic and punch some pelagic pussies
>Never thought I'd ever say that sentence in my lifetime
>The "save a heretic" part I'm pretty sure I called a bunch of mermaids pelagic pussies before
>I get up from my hiding spot slowly as to not draw attention
>I'm not sure if they see better in the dark or the light, so it's probably best to just stay out of sight
>Finding some rubble to hide behind I crawl my way down, eager to get into a fight but not so eager to feel salt water in my wounds
>Just as I get in pissing distance from the stage a sahuagin girl steps in front of me
>I expose myself when I take a sharp breath, but luckily she was turned around
>Not wanting to waste this opportunity I sneak up behind her and put her in a choke hold
>I tighten my arm around her neck till she starts making the common "HRKK" noises
>I tighten up my arm even harder than a lamia tightens around her mate and she slips out of my grip, like in a cartoon where they squeeze the banana hard enough and it just pops out
>Luckily she passed out a long time ago. Hang on, is she breathing?
>Ehhh, she'll be fine
>I wait for the angler fish girl to leave
>Just when she starts to walk away two crab girls walk to guard him. Just my fucking luck
>I look for something to bash their heads in
>Well I could just settle on a rock, but I ain't no basic bitch
>I pick up the sleeping(?) sahuagin girl by her heels and walk up behind the crab girl
>Throwing the sahuagin girl into the air and bringing her down harder than a dunk in NBA Jam
>The crab girl hits the ground with a audible *thunk* picking up the sahuagin girl again I throw her at the other crab girl who is just staring in disbelief
>Just as the crab girl catches the sahuagin I drop kick her in the face
>I walk up to the old fucker and smug harder than a cheshire
"Looks like someone owes me a favor"
>"For what?"
>You shittin' me?
"For saving your ass from getting sacrificed"
>"Well if you could just turn around for a second, you'll see why I'm no so ecstatic to be saved"
"For the love of-"
>I turn around and see hundreds of tiny lights
"Yeah, they're lights. So what?"
>Holy shit you're stupid. What do most deep sea fish have in common?"
"They're fish?"
>He instinctively tries to face palm but to no avail
>"BIOLUMINESCENCE"
>Ohhhhhh
<"Well, well, well look what the tide washed up"
"What the fuck does detergent have to do-"
>I turn my head to the voice and see the angler fish girl with a sacrificial dagger, you know the wiggly one right?
<"Well you know what they say, 'never look a gift sacrifice in the mouth'"
"The only thing that's gonna be 'sacrificed' is your ovaries."
<"What the fuck do you mean?"
"And by that I mean I'm gonna punch you so hard in your stomach that you're gonna cough up your ovaries"
>The angler fish girl and crowd starts laughing. Whether at me or at my comment I do not know
▶ bf6abc (39) No.325416>>325417
>>325414
<"I'd like to see you tryYYYYYYYYY"
>I charge forward before she finishes her sentence and punch her womb hard enough that her eggs are gonna feel it
>Grabbing the dagger off the ground I cut his bindings and we both start to run through the sea salt caverns
"Hang on, why don't we just kill ourselves?"
>"Some of us don't like dying very much"
"Pussy"
>"Shut up, repeat deaths make you unhinged, though judging from you the door was completely off from the hinges from the start"
>"Anyways here's the plan: We make it to the top of that lighthouse and climb out of this salty shithole"
>"Then you can have my thanks"
"Fine. Shut up and keep running old man"
>We make it the base of the lighthouse with the whole a goddamn school of fish on our asses
>I take one look up and see hundreds of stairs
>I make it up a couple of hundred steps before my legs start to burn
>The old man passes me up
>"Come on. It's good cardio"
"Fuck you and fuck your cardio, you lanky ass long distance runner"
>The sound of webbed feet hitting the steps behind us gets closer
>Just then a harpoon embedding itself into the wall near me giving me the much needed motivation to keep going
"Holy shit don't these fuckers get tired?"
>*another couple of hundred of steps later*
>I'm basically picking up my legs and forcing them up the steps
>Fatigue has started to hit the old man as well, even most of the webbed steps behind us have died down and only a couple remain
>Feeling a net wrap around my ankle I look down to see an all to familiar sahuagin, now sporting a pretty bad black eye
>I try to kick her off but my legs are jello at this point
>I start to feel tentacles on my legs and start to drag me down
>I turn my head to the old man to see him leaning on a knickknack shelf laughing at me
"WANNA STAND THERE OR ARE YOUR GONNA HELP ME"
>"Don't worry I'm just catching my breath"
>The sahuagin girl and scylla lean back to pull me down the stairs
>Before they could get any steam in pulling me down, a clock and a boat in a bottle hit their heads, causing them to let go and roll down the steps
"Took ya long enough"
>"Told you, I was just taking a breather"
>We continue up the steps and, eventually, reach the top of the lighthouse
>Breaking the ladder below us and blocking the hatch
>We both fall down and rest inside the unlit lantern room
>"We *haa* ain't out of *haa* the wood works yet"
>He helps me up and we walk out to the gallery, he points to the cupola and then the hole we're climbing out of
>"Once we get on top of it we can just climb the moss to freedom"
>Still resting we stare down at the small army of under da sea monster girls
>The sound of the hatch pounding wakes us up and gets out gears moving
>"Alright help me up to the top and I'll pull you up"
>I simply nod and brace myself against the glass while interlocking my hands
>He places one foot on my hands and his hand on my shoulder
>"1… 2… 3"
>I push him up till I feel his weight leave my shoulders
>I hear the hatch burst open and see the angler fish girl climb up
>"Come on! Jump!"
>I walk to the edge and brace myself against the barrier and run up the glass and catch his hand
>He pulls me up and we scurry up the moss ropes
>Just then I feel a dagger stab though my calf
>I turn my head to see its that angler bitch
>"KID!"
"Leave without me. I got a threat to make good on"
>"I'm not just going to leave yo-"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT OF HERE"
"Besides I don't wanna walk back anyways"
>"Godspeed, you magnificent bastard"
>I grab a clump of moss and tear it off then throw it in that angler bitch's face
>I pull the dagger out of my leg and throw it off the edge
"Remember when I said I'll punch you so hard you cough up your ovaries?"
>I crack my knuckles and ignore the blood loss making me woozy
"I plan to make good on it"
▶ bf6abc (39) No.325417>>325418 >>325420 >>325422 >>325435 >>325442 >>325462 >>325471 >>325564
>>325416
<"You can't be serious, with that wound in your leg you shouldn't even be able to walk"
>I take a step forward with my injured leg and fall
>She lets out a haughty laugh that could rival a vampire's
<"Just what I expected, human frailty at it finest"
>She walks forward and stands directly in front of me
<"Well I suppose I'll keep you alive for now…"
NOW
>I focus all my energy into one punch and send my fist through her stomach completely obliterating it and turning her into a donut
"Ohhh. I ain't done yet"
>I stumble to the other side of the cupola and manage a pained run towards her
RKO
>While we're both falling down the lighthouse I put in a prayer to the Holy Light
"Light, grant me the power to smite these bitches"
>Just before we land a lightning bolt of PURE HOLY POWER crashes through the cave/cove ceiling and passes through me sending us down so hard the last feeling is a mighty explosion that quaked my very soul
>When I wake up I find myself in the bed and a knocking at the door
<"Mr. Guest! Can I come in?"
>1. Fuck off I'm masturbating
>2. Sure
>3. I WANT OFF OF MR. BONES' WILD RIDE
▶ 5d8bae (2) No.325418>>325419
| Rolled 1 (1d20) |
>>325417
rollan for 3
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.325419
| Rolled 13 (1d20) |
>>325418
We'll shoot that was fast. Guess we're doing 3
▶ 12f550 (7) No.325420
| Rolled 19 (1d20) |
>>325417
>Angler got Kakyoin'd
Also rolling for 3
▶ ff1535 (4) No.325422>>325425
| Rolled 16 (1d20) |
>>325417
Try to summon our 「S T A N D」 and continue kicking ass.
It better be named stairway to heaven.
▶ 12f550 (7) No.325425>>325426
>>325422
>Stairway to heaven
We /gaypriest/ now?
▶ ff1535 (4) No.325426>>325427
>>325425
His 「S T A N D」was made in heaven, not stairway to heaven.
▶ 3788e8 (1) No.325427>>325432
>>325426
Araki wanted it to be Stairway to Heaven, but he changed it. Probably because he wanted Led Zeppelin to be unique to the Zeppelis
▶ ff1535 (4) No.325432
>>325427
That or he really liked Queen.
▶ b7d1b8 (7) No.325435
| Rolled 6 (1d20) |
>>325417
Going for 3
▶ acf81a (7) No.325442
| Rolled 10 (1d20) |
>>325417
Roll for 2.
▶ eb5510 (19) No.325462
| Rolled 12 (1d20) |
>>325417
You know for once I'd like us to follow this thread through instead of killing ourselves.
Rolling for 1
▶ 75d68a (3) No.325471
| Rolled 19 (1d20) |
>>325417
Let the poor thing in. She sounds worried.
▶ d74943 (1) No.325479
| Rolled 5 (1d20) |
open up and see what she wants
▶ bf6abc (39) No.325564>>325565
>>325417
>Time to get off this wild ride
>I get up out of the all to familiar bed and open the door
>It's the shog-daughter holding a tray of food
>Oh shit, waddup. Bacon, pancakes, french toast, and eggs. Now that's what I'm talking about
<"I just wanted to bring you breakfast Mas- Mr. Guest."
>She sets down the tray on the dresser and gestures me to lay in the bed
<"It's much more comfortable to sit down and eat, than standing up. Wouldn't you say Mr. Guest?"
<"Before I forget. Could I get your name? I'm sure you would enjoy by being called by your name."
"It's Gedda."
<"Gedda? Is it short for something?"
>I walk over to the window and open it
"Yeah it's short for GEDDA THE FUCK OUTTA HERE "
>I jump out of the window making sure to do a flip
>Just as I hit the ground it gives way like a trampoline, and like a trampoline it launches me back up through the window and back into the bed
>I look back to the shog-daughter, who now is giving me a cheeky fucking smile
<"I'll just call you Master for now, and you can call me R'lyeh."
>Fucking shogs
>Before I can get up again she forces the tray of food onto me, forcing me back down into the bed
<"Please. Enjoy."
>Her smile goes from cheeky to menacing in a split second
>She grabs the fork and feeds me
"Alright, I'm not a fucking child. I can feed myself"
>She lets up on her grip and hands me the fork
>Hey this is pretty good. No idea where they get the food considering all I've seen here is fish bitches and amorphous blob girls
>I try to enjoy my meal but having a being that should not be, in a realm that should not exist, kind of hampers my taste buds
>I finish the meal and R'lyeh lets me go, leaving me a set of clothes.
<"Please join us downstairs at your convenience
>I look outside the window again and see a black substance at the bottom that must've bounced me back up
>Having nowhere else to go I get dressed and head downstairs into the living room
>The couch, TV and everything else has been moved, and a summoning circle is in place of the furniture
>I see the old man and his wife arguing
>"She's 30,000 years old. I am not having her live with us forever"
<"And where is she supposed to go? The streets!?"
>"We'll just dump her into the real world with our guest"
>I walk into view of them to make myself known
"I am NOT going to babysit your goddamn daughter!"
>The old man quickly works on finishing the circle
<"Honey would you come downstairs!"
"I just told you I'm not going to-"
>A tentacle comes out of the ground covering my mouth and locking my feet in place
>I grab a lamp and throw it at the shog-mom, but she just absorbs it and sets it down near the portal
<"Yeah mom?"
>The shog-mom hides me behind her and ties me up completely
<"Honey, could you pick that lamp up?"
<"Uhhh… Sure. I see you and dad almost have the circle complete, I'll take it the cultists beneath the city opened it from their side? Also where is Mas- Mr.Guest?"
>The portal springs to life with an unnatural glow
>"Yup, finally glad to have those annoying fuckers never stop calling me."
>The shog-mom drags me directly behind R'lyeh
>"To answer your second question, he's right behind you honey"
>She turns around to see me get shoved right towards her knocking us and lamp down into the portal
"YOU FUCKERS"
▶ bf6abc (39) No.325565>>325572 >>325574 >>325595 >>325597 >>325605 >>325612 >>325618 >>325619 >>325627 >>325789
>>325564
>As we fly through time and space it gives me some time to ask her questions
"I thought you said the only way out was that stupid fucking door!?"
<"Well there was another way out. Remember when I said my dad summoned my mom to the waking world? Well we're getting summoned."
>Well shit that's all I wanted to know
"So how long does this take"
<"I dunno"
>As we awkwardly stay silent for the rest of the journey I hit solid ground, I think I broke a rib, and look up to see a room full of candle and dark figures wearing cloaks
>R'lyeh quickly follows and lands on top of me. Just my fucking luck
>I throw her off of me look to the cultists
>They all stop their unison chanting and switch to talking in unison
<"They dark gods have finally answered our prayers and send us an emissary"
"Hang the fuck on I'm not some-"
<"Not you manling. Her"
>They point towards R'lyeh
"Oi. Who the fuck do you think you are calling me 'manling' I outta fuck your shit up"
>I reach forward to the nearest cultist and pull of the hood, revealing her to be a
MINDFLAYER
>Before my mind can register what I'm doing I punch the fucking calamari cunt right in her face
>Felt more like an instinct than a conscious decision. Not that I wouldn't do the same thing IF it was my decision
>The mindflayer cultist next to her jumps on my back and tries to give me wet willy
>Not falling for the same trick twice I grab her and toss her into two more cultists
>The next cultist tries her luck at turning me into a hentai protag but fail miserably when I stomp on her tentacles and use her face as a speed bag
>The other cultists clearly routing from seeing their fellow dark acolytes get cock slapped, and not in the literal sense
>Unfortunately they seem to be having trouble with the door
<"UNLOCK THE DOOR SHERI"
<"I'M TRYING WHICH KEY WAS IT?"
>I get a running head start and drop kick the nearest mindflayer sending her into her comrades and all of them to the ground
<"PLEASE DON'T HURT US"
>I see a slight smile in on her face
>Quickly sensing a person behind me I bring my elbow up knocking out another dark cuntist
>I throw the not-so sneeki breeki cultist on top of the pile of squid kids and walk away
>They all breath a sigh of relief
>I quickly turn on my heel and start sprinting at them
>Grabbing a low hanging chandelier and swinging off of it and performing the SICKEST LEG DROP TO HIT THIS MORTAL PLANE
>Taking the keys and unlocking door. I look back to R'lyeh
>She must've fainted from witnessing such a powerful leg drop
>1. Should I take her with me? On one hand free maid, on the other she's a monster
>2. Leave her. They clearly seem interested in her. Maybe she'll make friend with them
>3. GET BACK ONTO MR. BONES' WILD RIDE
▶ b93139 (9) No.325572
| Rolled 18 (1d20) |
>>325565
3.
Get back in there and give them a piece of your mind for forcing you back into the mortal plane. You're a man who makes his own decisions, and you'll decide when you get to go back. And promptly leave afterwards. Leave the shoggy, she can make friends.
▶ acfe55 (10) No.325574
| Rolled 9 (1d20) |
>>325565
Bust outta this joint and go back to being a paladindu to the mortal world. We need bullying to do.
▶ 862dea (1) No.325595
| Rolled 5 (1d20) |
>>325565
Prove the parents that they released a blight upon the world. Leave shog and go fuck more shit up in the waking world.
▶ b7d1b8 (7) No.325597>>325598 >>325607 >>325615 >>325630
| Rolled 1 (1d20) |
>>325565
#2 We dont need her
▶ b7d1b8 (7) No.325598
>>325597
shit forgot to sage
▶ 90eee3 (7) No.325605
| Rolled 18 (1d20) |
>>325565
#2 we gotta catch up on all the asskicking we missed while being dead.
▶ 4a45dd (6) No.325607>>325608
| Rolled 8 (1d20) |
>>325597
rolling to negate nat 1
▶ 4a45dd (6) No.325608
▶ c99b61 (24) No.325612
| Rolled 19 (1d20) |
>>325565
3. We leave when we want to leave, and ‘’we will fucking go back so that we can leave when we want to.’’
▶ acf81a (7) No.325615
| Rolled 8 (1d20) |
>>325597
Negation roll.
We can't just leave her there to rot. She can always be dumped later if need be.
▶ 02922e (2) No.325618
| Rolled 15 (1d20) |
>>325565
Bring her with you. Either she's useful, or she's not. Give her the chance to prove which.
▶ eb5510 (19) No.325619
>>325565
1. Take her with you, we need a sidekick to bounce off of.
▶ 02922e (2) No.325627
| Rolled 6 (1d20) |
>>325565
Companion GET!
▶ 177d15 (1) No.325630>>325637
>>325597
we got a critfail saying to dump her, that means she wakes up and follow us anyway?
▶ 94db72 (2) No.325637>>325638
>>325630
>>325393
Rolled a 1 asking for a stealthy save. The saving did happen, but, the stealthy part when to shit quite fast. So maybe?
▶ 94db72 (2) No.325638
| Rolled 2 (1d20) |
>>325637
forgot my roll; keep the stray nightmare fuel.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.325789>>325790 >>325791 >>325793 >>325795 >>325840 >>325930
>>325565
>As much as I would love to give her parents a piece of my mind, I would rather not go for a joyride on the River Styx again
>I look back to the shog-daughter, ehh fuck it, she's more trouble than she's worth
>Quickly climbing up the stairs I find myself in a kitchen and see a tray with tinfoil wrapped over it
<"Hey honey I made some bagel bites for you and your friends' sleepover"
>Damn does everyone nowadays call their kids "honey" I remember when I was a kid, everyone just called me "cunt" or "fucker"
>I didn't even know I had a real name till like highschool and I don't even know how I got that far in the first place. I mean I still can't read or write and I got a diploma
>I digress though. Oh shit nigga bagel bites are my fucking jam. I quickly unwrap the plate and start smashing like an ushi-oni going through puberty
>Walking into the living room I see mom-flayer and dad watching "March of the Penguin girls"
>It's a bunch of naked guys huddled around each other holding a fucking egg while in sub zero temperatures
>They might be fucking fags, but I'll give them props for being able to stand that
<"Did you need something honey?"
>Shit they must've heard me walk up
>I set down the plate of mini magma bagels and give my mouth a rest from being scorched
"Uhhhh… Your wallet?"
>Before either of them can turn around, I grab their heads and crack their heads like you would crack two eggs with each other
>Jumping the couch and making sure to pause the movie, I mean I'm a dick but not that much of a dick, so they don't miss anything
>I riffle through their pockets and purse stealing whatever stray money they have and their car keys
>Grabbing my plate of bagel bites, I head out of the front door and unlock their car
>Of course it's a fucking family sedan
>I pull out of the drive way and try to get my bearings
>Shit I'm in the suburbs
>Wait a second I live in the suburbs
>I recognize this place. I live like two streets over
>Finally I can head home and fucking go to sleep and enjoy my cand-
>Right thermonuclear explosion kinda makes candy go bad
>Well at least I can go to sleep and rob some poor kid for his candy tomorrow
>Come to think of it. What time is it?
>Oh, it's 11 pm
>HANG ON A FUCKING SECOND IT'S FUCKING NOVEMBER
>Well I mean Halloween is on the 31st so it would make sense
>OH SHIT IT'S FUCKING THE 24 IT'S BLACK FRIDAY
>It's the only time of the year where I can buy something and NOT have to steal it
>I mean I'm gonna steal it anyway, because fuck waiting in lines, but it's the thought that counts, right?
>But I am fucking tired and kinda wanna go home
>1. Go home and end this fucking wild ride.
>2. TIME FOR SOME HOLIDAY SHOPPING
>3. Go get some gas and light a cigarette near the pump
▶ acfe55 (10) No.325790
| Rolled 12 (1d20) |
>>325789
Oh shit son! It's holiday shopping time. Let's go beat up some dumb broads and steal a TV.
▶ b7d1b8 (7) No.325791
| Rolled 17 (1d20) |
>>325789
#3, Shopping is for losers.
▶ c99b61 (24) No.325793>>325794
>>325789
2. Let’s go for some motherfucking holiday shop---lift—ing.
▶ c99b61 (24) No.325794
| Rolled 11 (1d20) |
>>325793
Fucked up strikethrough and forgot roll. Kill me.
▶ 95b0ef (1) No.325795>>325800 >>325806
| Rolled 1 (1d20) |
>>325789
Holiday shopping time! Let's try and lift some materials to make some home-made napalm for more arso- I mean holy crusades.
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.325796
| Rolled 4 (1d20) |
Black Friday is a scam, I say we skip the shopping and go pillage something
▶ 90eee3 (7) No.325800
>>325795
>Nat 1 for making napalm
I think Alardin is gonna be making another trip to the abyss, but at least he'll go out in a blaze of holy light right?
▶ 75d68a (3) No.325806>>325934
| Rolled 12 (1d20) |
>>325795
Continuation roll. After procuring proper crusading tools. We use them to cleanse the Mindflayer summoning lair. Those things will not be allowed to taint the earth with their presence any longer. Before this adventure is over at least one thing has to be burned to cinders. The forest was a fixed fight and doesn't count. Don't torch the shog.
How are you feeling about the story so far, writefag? Do you enjoy writing it still?
▶ aa2779 (1) No.325840
| Rolled 7 (1d20) |
>>325789
You haven't actually slept or rested once through this entire ordeal, have you? Go home and have a beer, you've earned it.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.325930>>325932
>>325789
>Alright time for some HOLIDAY SHOPPING
>Now I'm gonna need some napalm
>First I'm going to need some styrofoam
>I drive to the nearest toy store to find it mysteriously empty one could say it's even dead
>Walking into the store I am greeted by a young man on his phone
>"Hey wassup."
>I look further into the store and see all the shelves are stocked
"Where the fuck is everyone?"
>"Dontcha know? Everyone does their shopping online."
>Well that puts a damper on my mood
"I remember when I was a kid. People literally killed each other to get at these deals and they didn't even clean up their corpses. In fact some say the floor here is made from the skulls of those who died here, and on Black Friday you can here the screams of their eternally tormented souls"
>"Pharmacy is next door to us if you need to pick up your pills, sir"
"Shut the fuck up and go back to sexting your boss for that promotion, you fucking eunuch"
>Satisfied with roasting that boy harder than I'm about to roast this store I go into the toy aisle
>Unpackaging all the toys and looting them for their precious styrofoam
<"Excuse me, sir, what do you think you're doing?"
>I drop my polystyrene pillage and turn around
>It's a normal human girl?
>I thought all of them were turned into monsters due to an anti-monster hate law
"Just grabbing the styrofoam so I can make napalm"
<"Isn't that illegal?"
"No, at least I don't think so. Oh yeah, before I forget do you guys sell propane tanks?"
<"Uhhhh… Yeah aisle 13"
>Before I take my synthetic swag away, I make sure to get one last good look at her, green eyes and blond hair
"Papers please"
<"Huh? What?"
"Papers. Your ID, passport, etc."
<"I don't think you have the right to-"
>I shove my hand into her pocket and pull out her wallet
>Just what I fucking thought
>In her drivers license she has red eyes
"Nice try, monster "
<"Well what does it matter anyway!?"
"Because I only know of 2 types of monster that have red eyes. Infernals and undead, and judging from the fact that you don't have wings or a spade tail, I'm going to have to go with the latter"
<"Don't like dragons, gargoyles, arachne have red eyes too?"
"Alright, don't get smart with me you fucking cunt of the night, you. Besides you don't have a spider butt, stone skin, or scales"
>She gives me a look most akin to when the teacher just asked the kid who read the slowest in class to read the next 5 pages
<"Is that all?"
"HELL NO! I gotta give you my 98 theses why undead are a plague upon this land and need to be purified"
>For the next 55 minutes I put my heart and soul reiterating every word from my list by memory alone
>Sadly she must've left around theses 46: Undead monsters can't bear children. Besides vampires
>I grab the propane tank, hose, pilot light and squirt gun, and in a act pure and unfettered generosity I only shoplift most of my items
>Just as I leave the store a asteroid lands right in front of me
>I look inside ready to fuck up any space monster, only to see it's my suit of armor from when I blew up that bomb
>Surprisingly it's in well shape
"Knew it was a good idea to get that shit enchanted with runes of withstanding"
>Pulling out my old skeleton and putting on the still toasty warm armor
>Excited from the fact that I'll get my security deposit back I do cartwheels to the gas station
>I walk up to the attendant
"Hey can I fill my squirt gun with gasoline so I can-"
>"Whatever…"
>Filling my squirt gun gasoline I break off piece of styrofoam and shove them in there
>I grab some jerrycans and fill them up with napalm as well
>Might need some extra ammo
>Jury rigging the pilot light, propane tank and hose onto my squire gun I create a
FLAMERTHROWER(?)
>Let's hope it doesn't explode
>I jump into my newly procured car
>Putting on some aviators that I found in the glovebox and opening all the windows, I put the pedal to the metal, speeding off to the fire department
>These fuckers have ruined my fun for far to long. Time for some payback
▶ bf6abc (39) No.325932>>325936 >>325939 >>325941 >>325945 >>325973 >>325980 >>325987 >>326034 >>326120 >>326194
>>325930
>I open the garage and grab a hose and hooking it up to the fire hydrant
>I kick down the door and start spraying cold water everywhere
"HOW DO YOU FUCKERS LIKE IT"
>I blast them out of their beds with 50 lbs of water pressure
>Turning off the water I look around, making sure to steal money out of their wallets
>They never knew what hit them
>Just as I go over to destroy their fire truck a spark of genius ignites inside of me
>Grabbing a pilot light out of their oven, weird I thought fire fighters would have an electric oven, I tape it to the water hose on the truck
>Then I empty out the water and fill it out with holy radiance
>Stealing the keys I burst through the garage with my even newer stolen firetruck. Fuck. I mean acquired firefuck.
>First the police station. Testing my new toy I blast hot gooey JUSTICE through every open and unopened window
>I drive through my neighborhood with the sirens on, making sure to burn every single house besides mine
>Next stop downtown hospital. I know those fuckers keep mindflayer nurses in the psychward
>I make sure to burn down every building I pass with the firehose while blasting 'Run Through the Jungle'
>Just as I reach the hospital I sadly run out of fuel
"Looks like this is gonna be personal"
>I kick down the door to the entrance to grab everyone's attention
"I came here to chew ass and kick bubblegum. And I'm all outta ass"
>I level my jurry rigged flamethower towards the crowd and pull the trigger
>*Insert BurningNurses.mp4*
>I run through the hospital making sure to give a money shot to each room I pass while on my way to the psychward
>Just as I burst into the psychward I find it empty save one stand figure a salamander nurse
>I pull the trigger spraying a torrent of alchemical fire at her stupid face
>When I release the trigger I see that she is completely fine. Besides her clothes
>She runs at me and performs a flying kick to my chest, knocking the wind outta me along with the rest of me out of the psychward doors
>I pick myself off the ground and ready to tear off that stupid flaming tail of hers
>Just as she pass through those double doors I tackle her back in and pull over the propane canister
>I then to proceed to use the canister as a hammer as I nail her head into the ground
>Cover in blood and brain fluid I walk out of the doors and see cops rushing down the hallway
<"PUT YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD"
>The hellhound cops politely asks me
>I feel something vibrating in my hand
>Is that the propane?
>OH SHIT IT IS
>I toss that shit dive behind the doors and find a set of stairs
>Well one way left to go
>I run up the stairs till I reach the rooftop
>Quickly I barricade the stairs with rubble and flaming debris
>I can see it a way out of here. Sadly that way is down. Way. Way down
>1. Turn myself in
>2. DO A FRONT FLIP
>3. DO A BACK FLIP
>4. DO BOTH
▶ bf6abc (39) No.325934
>>325806
I love it anon. If I didn't I wouldn't be doing it.
▶ c99b61 (24) No.325936>>325939 >>325941 >>325980 >>325984 >>325987
| Rolled 15 (1d20) |
>>325932
4. We gotta go out with style.
also tone down the edge a touch.
▶ 5f7f87 (1) No.325939
| Rolled 10 (1d20) |
>>325936
>>325932
Also going with 4.
And don't listen to that faggot, it's time to turn the edge up to donut steel levels
▶ 0df6d7 (2) No.325941>>325942
>>325932
4, all while blasting the ending to "Stairway to heaven".
>>325936
no
▶ 0df6d7 (2) No.325942
| Rolled 11 (1d20) |
>>325941
Forgot roll.
▶ 12f550 (7) No.325945>>325946
>>325932
Rolling for 4
Lilim appearance when?
▶ 12f550 (7) No.325946>>325948
| Rolled 12 (1d20) |
>>325945
forgot to roll
▶ c99b61 (24) No.325948>>325972
>>325946
Also forgot your sage.
>6 fucking times
▶ 12f550 (7) No.325972
>>325948
Sorry, hope this (you) makes up for that
▶ c73f3f (5) No.325973>>325980 >>325984
| Rolled 12 (1d20) |
>>325932
Do 4 while shouting ILLIAS AKBAR!
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.325980
| Rolled 2 (1d20) |
>>325973
We serve the light, not some crazy woman
>>325936
Our edge is at a ten right now, we need to ratchet it up to an eleven!
>>325932
We shall tap into our most holy power given to us by the light for surviving the abyss. We shall escape and burn this unholy city to the ground!
▶ eb5510 (19) No.325984
>>325973
>a woman is greatest
kek, you might as well worship a monster, what a cuck
>>325936
I think the edge is quite low considering all we've been through
Rolling 4
▶ 4a45dd (6) No.325987
| Rolled 20 (1d20) |
>>325932
4
>>325936
>
No, if anything we need to turn it up.
▶ acf81a (7) No.326034>>326120
| Rolled 11 (1d20) |
>>325932
4. Show the poor fools the Light's might by becoming its holy avatar on the way down. Then kill yourself till you reach the dream world once more. Wait to be resummoned by the shog. Take the maid with you, go home, and finally pass out in the bed for some well-earned respite.
▶ 9163cc (1) No.326120
| Rolled 6 (1d20) |
>>325932
>>326034
Rolling for.
Made this during the waiting period. I don't know much about proper webm conversion so no bully.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.326194>>326195 >>326205
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
>>325932
>Time to EMBRACE THE EDGE
>I go to the other side of the rooftop to gain the attention of the news helicopter
>When they finally point the camera at me I know what time it is
"I think it's time for Jack to let 'er rip"
>I pull out a beyblade I stole from one of the kids rooms and pull the cord
>The helicopter has to land due to the huge amount of edge in the air
>Let's hope they get a good shot of me doing my flip
>I sprint to the other side of the rooftop and jump
>First it starts off as a back flip then I turn my body around like a cat does mid air and transition it to a front flip
>Consolidated that I performed the most impressive burning hospital backflip/frontflip ever I consign myself to the concrete below me
>Feeling a sudden and hard stop I wake up in a strange room with a black leather couch and a office desk with two chairs behind it
>Eyyyy at least I'm not naked this time
>While look for the door in the endless darkness surrounding the room I hear a voice behind me
<"Well, well, well so this is the man who escaped the Nine Hells"
>I turn around and see most of the seats are filled with a succubus and a blue dragon girl
<"Please take a seat"
>The blue dragon girl gestures to the black leather couch
>I know this place from somewhere… No matter I take a seat since I have nowhere else to go
"Alright, what do you bitches want?"
<"Hold your tongue you insolent mortal! You speak with the new Glasya the new Queen of the Nine Hells."
"I thought Asmodeus ruled the Hells with an iron fist and with no plan on letting that grip go."
<"There has been a recent change in delegation since you managed to escape so easily, thus inspiring many others to escape like you, thus his leadership was brought into question and it was only reasonable that his daughter was chosen to usurp him"
"Damn I fuck shit up where ever I go."
>I look to the blue dragon girl
"And who might you be? Ya overgrown winged lizard"
<"I am Bahamut, deity of Hope, JUSTICE and Protection"
>Gods damn I can feel the righteous indignation in the air
<"And we did not bring you here to belittle or insult us mortal, but to talk about the fate of your eternal soul."
BOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRIIIIIINNNNGGGGG
>I feign being asleep while snoring loudly
<"Open your eyes you fool! Do you not see the danger in front of you? You talk to two of the most powerful deities in all of the planes and yet you treat this as a game"
"Implying you two are the most powerful deities in existence"
<"Do you not feel an ounce of remorse for the action you have committed, the people you have killed or families you torn apart?"
"What why would I care? They're monsters"
>She simply looks in complete disbelief at me, as if her mind can't comprehend why a mortal would damn his soul to the worst that the Nine Hells or The Abyss has to offer
<"It seems you do not care. I was hoping to help save a single ounce of your soul from eternal torment but it seems there is only one action to take. I sentence you to an eternity in the Basilica of Torments"
"I thought only the Lord of Hell could deliver punishments to sinners?"
>Bahamut's face goes red as she storms out of the room(?) and into the darkness sputtering angrily
>The Lord of Hell herself bursts into laughter. Laughing so hard that she has to wipe away her tears
<"That was the most hilarious thing I had ever witnessed. I do so enjoy when a lawful goody two shoes gets caught up in their own laws and regulations"
"Technically you can't punish me either since you only encompass those who are lawful evil, and last time I was in the Nine Hells they told me I was to chaotic"
<"Well 'technically' I don't care and if you would like to file a complaint I could lead you to the furnace"
<"Anyways I digress. I have been tasked to punish you, but since you made me laugh I'll let you off easy and just send you to one of the nicer layers of-"
>Just then Bahamut bursts into the room(?) in her dragon form completely wrecking everything and sending me and the Lord of Hell flying
▶ bf6abc (39) No.326195>>326205 >>326218 >>326220 >>326336 >>326351
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
>>326194
<"NO I WILL NOT LET HIM ESCAPE THIS TIME"
>With a puff a magic cocaine powder she changes back into her dragon girl form
<"Glasya! I demand you give him the harshest punishment to known to the planes!"
>Glasya's face goes pale as blood is drawn from it
<"You can't mean THERE? Can you?"
"Where the fuck are you sending me?"
<"Shush you! Glasya follow the contract and punish this sinner to the fullest extent of the law"
>Glasya gives me a remorseful look
>How bad is this place that even a devil wouldn't wish it upon someone?
"WHERE ARE YOU SENDING ME"
>Bahamut comes close to me and whispers in my ear
<" Detroit "
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
>Just then a hellish pillar of flame engulfs me and teleports me into the streets of Detroit
>NO I REFUSE TO BE HERE
>I grab a broken shard of glass from one of the many dilapidated houses and slit my own throat, only for the wound to instantly regenerate
>I run into an alleyway where I see multiple paladindus circled around a barrel fire
>Jumping into the fire intent on burning myself to ashes, it doesn't work I regenerate to fast to burn to cinders
>"Ayo bruh, why you gotta ruin our fire like dat?"
>I sprint past the alleyway paladindus and run into the middle of the street
"FUCK ILLIAS. FUCK PELOR. FUCK THE LIGHT"
>Just as I finish insulting every deity I know/believe in a slew of car come blasting holy hymns opening their windows and blasting me a drive by
>But just as before I get up with no wounds to cover my body
>It's the end
>I can't die
>I can't destroy that has already been destroyed
>All I have left is toxic waters of Lake Erie, faggots who constantly use the French pronunciation of Détroit and Greektown Casino
That's all niggas. Tune in next time for my Christmas cyoa
▶ 4b6822 (1) No.326205
>>326195
>>326194
Thanks for your work bruh. I look forward to the next one.
▶ acf81a (7) No.326218>>326228
>>326195
Thank you. This was great. Any idea when you'll begin the next one? Or, how to tell if it's your cyoa?
▶ c99b61 (24) No.326220
>>326195
>Detroit
Fuck, now I’m fine with you murdering as many kids as you want just say this wasn’t the true ending, just say he was forced to sit in nothingness for eternity not fucking Detroit.
▶ bf6abc (39) No.326228>>326285
>>326218
>Any idea when you'll begin the next one
I dunno
>How to tell if it's your cyoa
Improper use of punctuation and I'll be using a lot more colloquial terms. Might also be in the same format… Probably gonna call it Christmas quest or some shit like that.
By the way I'm taking requests for anything I should include for the next cyoa, I.e Beardicus and his big tiddy cow gf
▶ 90eee3 (7) No.326285>>326303 >>326375
>>326228
Loli Christmas Santa Baphomet vs. Ara Krampus Satyros
▶ c27aaa (1) No.326303
>>326285
>child vs. actual woman
Found aux.
▶ e2ad86 (16) No.326336
>>326195
>Detroit
Oh boy we screwed up big time
▶ 30aa68 (1) No.326351
>>326195
We's right snoggered now
▶ 4d7ed0 (1) No.326364>>326367
>>323320
>>Before they can pull his pants down I punch her in the kid in the side of his head, ohko-ing him
by the way, is this kid dead? he was unconscious and the forest he was in burned down
▶ bf6abc (39) No.326367
>>326364
>Is the kid dead?
Nah, they carried him out. After all there were other monster girls there
▶ eb5510 (19) No.326375
>>326285
Wouldn't Krampus just be a Holiday Variant of Baphomet?
Baphomet was partially based on mohammed the child molester, which is pretty ironic