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/erp/ - Erotic Roleplay

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 No.151823[Watch Thread][Show All Posts]

Well /erp/ I need some critical people, I'm kinda doing my first "original" story, I put it in quote's, because am sure I'm taking ideas from other places. And no it's not smut, it's well horror and intrigue, a lot of stuff I have written down is a rough cut, their's a lot more I want to add. But I feel like the people I have read it, I can't help but feel there is some biased feelings toward it. Kinda why I am here. If anyone can point out if something is good or bad, it would be here. I will link everything read at your own paste.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qcHTmtB_w-9DJoqAMRwzku6_6ludwGCGT3MBuRROnjg/edit?usp=sharing

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PW_e0unBP8phv-20DsDaE56QcFl5aaOEfeVDO8yYcfQ/edit?usp=sharing

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kMwuLj91ku3XGmDA17SDzVIXXrcUHauK0ruVtKopdXQ/edit?usp=sharing

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12fBvfnP1Hh7YnPSyxdA0O0EMO2VQIK3OHZGE1Oq__AU/edit?usp=sharing

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cnQAg94_bTCf0Y8IDk7QnX8u2YW6F7ZENdAZSGzTCvQ/edit?usp=sharing

Picture unrelated but cute.

 No.151831

Is it at least erotica?

Either way though, does 8chan even have a live writing board? I know /sext/ is dead as fuck.


 No.151842>>151861

Is English your second language?


 No.151861>>151868

>>151842

No isn't, just was taught poorly. Regardless that tells me nothing, plus you do realize am going to get help editing it right? So asking something that is a honest to god one of the dumbest questions, isn't going to help. Fucking hell, Like I said it was a outline, which means improvements are to be made. Don't be a dumbass and beat around what I was actually asking. Fucking hell. Your about as well thought out, as peace of shit gun was, your idiocracy weighs just as much and is about as useful.


 No.151864

You should get help editing your own posts.


 No.151867

This isn't really the place for this, I don't think. This board is for erotic roleplay, of which this is neither erotic nor roleplay, according to the op stating it as "an original story" "and no it's not smut"

And your grammar is so awful it makes me not want to bother, and what you really need is an actual English class or two, but here: I did the first paragraph for you.

In red, your original

<My name is Elizabeth two those who around me I am Lady Elizabeth, I came New Kandinsky about two weeks ago, I don’t live here just simply visiting. Back home I am known by the dumb Local god fearing yokels, as a Witch, Monster, or Demon, while the last one being the truest my intentions are not same as the other’s who share my title, though few do these day’s I am a true demon, few get to call themselfs this.

And in green, my correction/interpretation

>My name is Elizabeth, but to those around me I am Lady Elizabeth. I came to New Kandinsky about two weeks ago, though I don't live here, I'm just simply visiting. Back home I am known by the dumb, local, god-fearing yokels as a witch, monster, or demon. While the last one is the closest to being true, my intentions are not the same as others who share my title, though few even do these days. I am a true demon. Few get to call themselves this.

Look back and forth between the two and see what I changed. Figure out all the things you did wrong, and then continue on to my explanations below since you are likely to have missed a thing or two.

"My name is Elizabeth" is its own thought, and requires some form of separation from the rest of the sentence. In this case, a comma.

"two those around me" is the wrong form of "to". "Two" is the number between one and three.

My name… simply visiting" deserves to be two separate sentences. One stating the name, the other talking about the location. I'd also consider getting rid of either "just" or "simply". It's unnecessary to have both and it would flow better with just one. Take your pick.

"I came New Kandisnky" I assume you're coming to the place, but since you left the word out it could be from.

"I don't live here just simply visiting" needs some sort of separation between "live here" and "visiting". At least a comma, I added in that specifically "I'm" visiting.

**"dumb local god fearing yokels" when you're making a list, including listing out adjectives, you need commas between the items. "Local" has no reason to be capitalized, and since you're using people who fear god as a single word, you would need to use a hyphen and make it "god-fearing"

"a Witch, Monster, or Demon" even though these are names you're being called they're not actually being used as names, but rather as descriptors, and thus shouldn't be capitalized. If you removed the "a" from the sentence and made it "known as Witch, etc" then Witch and the like would be considered proper nouns as names, and would be capitalized

In general, this is a huge run on-sentence. Take a break, use a period. I put one after the name-calling

"while the last one being the truest" is just really awkwardly phrased. I can't point to any specific rules, but it just is.

"few do these day's" don't use apostrophes on plurals. The apostrophe will only pretty much only ever denote one of two things: It's a contraction and the apostrophe represents some letters being left out (though in formal writing you're not actually supposed to use contractions) or: It's showing possession, such as "the cat's pajamas" saying that the pajamas belong to the cat.

"themselfs" is not a word. "Self" is singular, and when made plural it becomes "selves". Same thing with Elf and Elves if you ever plan on including them, I don't fucking know

Oh, and when writing a title, capitalize pretty much every word that's not an article, so your story should be written as "Behind the Mask We Share"

Your posts have grammar that's at least as bad, too. You really should at least learn the difference between "there" "their" and "they're" before attempting to write anything


 No.151868>>151881

>>151861

While we're at it, I stand by that guy's question. Generally speaking there's only two kinds of people I've encountered who write this bad: ESL people, and people who aren't old enough to be on this website. You should also know that because your grammar is so horrendous, you just make yourself look even dumber by trying to talk shit. Let's just take the last sentence of that post:

<"Your about as well thought out, as peace of shit gun was, your idiocracy weighs just as much and is about as useful."

>Should be "you're" not "your"

>first comma is unnecessary

>should be "piece" not "peace"

>should be "this piece of shit gun"

>"idiocracy" is not a word, you are looking for "idiocy"

>there should be a comma after much

That makes not one, not two, but SIX errors in a single sentence insulting the intelligence of a guy who asked a legitimate question.


 No.151881

File (hide): b972486ea2b4a48⋯.gif (1.29 MB, 245x230, 49:46, 101-Idiocracy-quotes.gif) (h) (u)

>>151868

At least they know Idiocracy, which is a nice movie


 No.151888

OP, I think you may need to actually take an English language class. I think you need to learn how to write from the very ground up. Your fundamental grasp of the rules of writing is so poor that editing your work will not benefit you, because it won't be clear to you why things are being changed.

You should go to community colleges and see if they have GED prep classes that can help you learn the basics of writing in English. These classes are designed largely for people who got inadequate educations as kids.




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