There's two girls i want to keep talking even though the first one doesn't wish to talk to me and i keep telling the second one we should stop talking all the time just to ask her to be my friend again. The reason i do this is because 1. i fear i might kill myself at any moment and i don't want them to be aware of it, i don't want them to suffer at all, i want to die without letting anyone down and 2. i get easily bored of people, maybe i hate swallow socializing (which is all socialization at long distance where you can only chat) or maybe i just get bored of everyone, maybe i'm just an asshole.
I guess i just can't keep normal relationships, i feel threatened when i make more than one friend (which hasn't happened in 2 years), i want a single person to talk to, but of course not everyone works this way so eventually there's this disconnection between us, in which i have only one friend and that one friend has an actual social life outside of me, meaning he/she can only put a small amount of effort compared to the one i put because he/she's my only friend.