Well, I was feelin' sad and feelin' blue
I didn't know what I was gonna do
Them Baptist they was comin' around
They was in the air, they was on the ground
They were all over
So I ran down most hurriedly
And joined up with the /christian/ moderation Society
I got me a secret membership card
Went back to my backyard
And started looking
Yee-hoo, I'm a real mod now
Look out you Burptists
Well, I was lookin' everywhere for them gol-darned Bible-believers
I got up in the mornin' 'n' looked in my sneakers
Looked in the sink, behind the door
Looked in the glove compartment of my car
Couldn't find 'em
I was lookin' high an' low for them believers everywhere
I was lookin' in the sink an' underneath the chair
I looked way up my chimney hole
I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl
They got away
I heard some footsteps by the front porch door
So I grabbed my shotgun from the floor
I snuck around the house with a huff and a hiss
I said “hands up you Baptist!”
It was the mailman
He punched me out
Well, I quit my job so I could work alone
Got my magnifying glass like Sherlock Holmes
Followed some clues from my detective bag
And discovered they was posting without their Baptist flag
Well, I was sittin' home alone an' started to sweat
Figured they was in my T.V. set
Peeked behind the picture frame
Got a shock from my feet, hittin' right up in the brain
Them Baptists caused it
I know they did, them hard-core ones
Now we all agree with Pope Francis' views
Although he panders to Muslims and Jews
It don't matter too much that he was a Modernist
At least you can't say he was a Baptist
Well, I investigated all the books in the library
Ninety percent of 'em gotta be burned away
I investigated all the people that I knowed
Ninety-eight percent of them gotta go
The other two percent are fellow mods, just like me
Now Saint Paul, he's a Baptist spy
Adam, Eve and that Noah guy
To my knowledge there's just one man that's really a true Catholic, Pope Gregory XI
I know for a fact he hates Baptists
'cause he burned alive John Wycliffe
Well, I fin'ly started thinkin' straight
When I run outta things to investigate
Couldn't imagine doin' anything else
So now I'm sittin' home investigatin' myself
Hope I don't find out anything
Good God