Reaching from outside sources will not prove God’s existence to you. God does not make sense. “He defies the wisdom of the wise and brings the understanding of the prudent to nothing.” If it does not come from within there is no way for you to know Him.
The God you wished you had faith in is the part of God that is within you which you know and recognize. You don’t believe in yourself and the beauty of God that is within you. It’s a question of recognition and it is a mental block in you.
Don’t impose scriptures onto yourself when the tiny bead that holds it all together is missing. It will just make you jaded. God exists regardless of anyone’s faith in him…. that being said don’t be afraid or despondent, simply have patience and accept your blind self, take what is given to you, cultivate good qualities within yourself and experience joy from everything that is good. Don’t be afraid to go to church and ask your priest (who you should be asking before here) about these things in total confidence, with no fear or arrogance but pure longing. Also look into the four prayer types, they are spiritual paths in the Catholic faith that fit four different ways of thinking, it may help to open your mind.