Hi /christian/, sorry for the bad english.
I am doing a master on mathematics on a good college on south america. I've been a christian my whole life, but just 5 months ago I truly converted. Previously I took it as a family tradition more than anything serious, but I had to come to terms with it. The reason of my actual conversion had to do with my studies. I always had high levels of anxiety, specially on college, It took a lot of me to finishing my bachellor degree on math. 5 months ago I was on to presenting my master thesis on a conference and the stress + anxiety was reaching a all time high, then it happened, the panic attack started
The panic attack was in the subway, I felt shortness of breath (in fact I couldn't breath right, I felt like drowing), my pulse reached 110 when doing nothing and my mind feel fuzzy, I wanted to run but I was inside the subway. That is not the worse part, after going home I had passed the last 3 month on a panic disorder state where I got an sensori motor OCD (I am obsessed with my breathing, feeling I got to control it to avoid a panic attack), agoraphobia (crisis was outside), fear of hot air (subway air was hot), permanent high pulse, pain in the stomach (I couldn't eat the first 2 weeks, I lost 9 Kg), general depression and inability to do basic stuff (I couldn't wash the dishes, neither study mathematics).
I found God in the middle of this. He didn't cure me but gave me strength to confront my fears. I overcame the agoraphobia, the fear of hot air, my general panic sensations, general depression. My obsession with breathing is better now than before (I couldn't fall asleep before because I was too obsessed, I even dreamed about it) but it is still present and on August I came back to college.
I keep asking God during those 3 months to cure me, I couldn't support it. My mind wasn't my own, I didn't have peace on my own self. I keep obsessing over stuff (breathing), I couldn't stay still because there I would be obsessing. I couldn't sleep because I had to be still. It was hell and I don't think I learned anything from it except that hell exists and can be inside of us.
I got therapy, CBT with a christian therapist + psychiatric. Now I am better. I came back to college and I got to study a lot, I seem to have forgotten a lot of my material, I can't even integrate hehe. But the deal is this: I have to face anxiety on college, there is no way around it. I could face it as before (years with anxiety) but before nothing happened, now I *know* something could happen and have another 3 months of pain that I don't know how to deal with. That is my fear, my fear of coming back. If I knew God wanted me to follow this path I could deal with it, if he cured me I would know that I won't have those months of pain back. But I haven't spoke with him, I don't know what he wants from me and that scares me. I don't want to gamble my health on this, but I want my degree.
How have you got answers from God? How did you know God allowed you to follow a path? I just want to know I won't go back to those 3 months of pain ;_;