>>683634
Don't worry about your past. Worry about what you do about your future.
Suppose you are unable to change yourself and become good. Ok, nobody can. People who think they can are deluding themselves, they are sitting on their imaginary high chair, they look at people like you and they say God, I thank you that I am not like other men (Luke 18:11)
But I'll repeat: Don't worry about your past. Worry about what you do about your future. Ask God to make a change in you and never stop to do so. If you accept your state, then and only then you become a loser, both in this and in the other life. We have some great Saints who have done great miracles and they have given the following testimony: no matter how high state one has reached, how clean he is from the sin, how many miracles he has done, if he says to himself "this is enough", then he falls and loses everything he has. Why? Because no matter how high one is, what he has is nothing in comparison with what God has prepared for us in the future. What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him.
Therefore, do not disregard what God has prepared for us. Ask Him to change you. Don't worry if you don't have the strength for long prayers. Do short prayers. Even the lazyest person has the strength to say the prayer "Our Father" three times a day. But don't give up! Be insistive before God and He will reward you. Ask him for justice against your adversary, the Satan.
And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. He said, “In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, ‘Give me justice against my adversary.’ For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, ‘Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.’” And the Lord said, “Hear what the unrighteous judge says. And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”