I'll admit I'm an atheist but it's never been a set in stone thing. I can't prove God exists but I can't prove he doesn't exist, but that's not the point.
I suffer from incurable TRD (treatment resistant depression) and Bipolar 2 Disorder (periods of intense misery without the periods of mania associated with bipolar disorder). I've always had social anxiety but recently it's gotten to the point where I will break down and cry in public and need to hide in a washroom or something. Of course, I also have autism and feel completely alienated and outcasted from the rest of human society without any ability to truly connect with another individual. I have had no friends for several years and after a period of emotional abuse from my family I've abandoned them as well.
I've worked in the medical field for most of my life. I originally wanted to become a Personal Support Worker for the main reason of helping people. A few years ago I had to abandon that job because of worsening depression, and have been working minimum wage ever since because it's all I seem capable of.
Because I'm still capable of working, I'm unable to get any form of welfare for my condition, and cannot afford most of the treatments I'm on. I had about $100,000 saved but over the past decade it's dwindled down to about $20,000 and I'm seriously contemplating suicide because there is no purpose to life and very soon I won't be able to afford the medications I rely on to find the strength to get out of bed.
So here's my question for you, /christian/. I've been in church several times in my life and being told things like "God loves you" makes me clench my fists in rage. What kind of kind and loving god would put anyone through this? And there are people that have things much worse than I do, so what is God's plan for them? Why is he making them suffer without so much as even letting us know that, yes, he actually is out there watching us (and not so he can laugh at our misery)?