I was considering making this post before, and had entered something into the new thread box at the top of the page before somehow deciding it wasn't worth it and capitulating. What I wrote read; The devil has won over me again. That's it. I was going to explain how I could not bear to admit or understand why I fell back into habitual sin, because my last streak of abstaining from said habitual, MORTAL sin, I may add, was different from the others. Many times did I manage to withhold thoughts of sinning again and even sinful thoughts themselves, which I simply ignored, previously, and many times did I feel the presence of God as I pretty much literally repeated the mantra of "Satan, winnie the pooh off" whenever I felt the need to. I offered an act of perfect contrition, multiple times, and I learned and repeated the Jesus prayer in english, latin, and greek many times as well, upon recieving the prayer rope I ordered. I have spent this past week in a sort of penance, albeit not wholly succesfully, where I don't consume media or listen to music or whatever. Instead I have been praying to God, reading, and learning about the faith, particularly monastic life and Father Lazarus' appearances. Never have I had better defense against the influence of the devil, if you will, and so, never have I felt weaker and more desperate than I do now.
The reason I do make this post now is because I just committed the sin again, upon having my thoughts wonder from the self imposed penance which I had written down afterwards, knowing how much I would have to struggle to regain those feelings of dignity, of love, of mystery, etc. and almost king of giving up on it all. Whereas I rarely felt closer to God as I have been now, I now feel more removed from him than ever. I have suffered with this issue for over two years now. Having made very little, mark today, no progress. It is so very hard when it seems to matter so little, and in a life as un Christian as mine, the silent, lone struggle of appealing to be free from sin seems almost not worth it, when noone will realise what is going on behind the immediate seams, and you have basked in sin and sworn everything you have and will ever have on freeing yourself from it, and even this fact has become a novelty, it makes my mind foggy thinking about it, I can not believe what I have become, and find myself making excuses for it often, seemingly unable to bear the full weight of my responsibility.
Whether or not I can be saved remains to be seen. All I can do now is commit to penance, adherence, prayer, fasting, etcetera, and hope this malaise fades and I will no longer be in hell. I am sorry for the long post, but I do not know where to turn.