>>630319
Its not even something that can really be put into words. But the essence is that I need to turn my brain off. The problem is that maybe I'm a sociopath, just with a strong sense of principle and justice. I don't feel very much of what I experience. I wasn't Christian until very recently and the reason is because I almost grieved the holy spirit so thoroughly that I felt an overwhelming despair. In fact through metaphysical contemplation I unwittingly generated a sort of "despair code" in my mind. I laid down on my bed and realized my orientation in space was irrelevant, I was just following a pattern of behavior I'd become accustomed to. And this despair would come in waves, I would be released briefly and another worse episode would come upon me. Finally I saw the influence of Christ and broke down in tears. The next days I felt an overwhelming outpouring of love and joy (but not for awhile). But since then I just keep thinking, I'm being pulled away and it will be worse than before. I've repented and I've even fasted. I would say I haven't been overwhelmed by lust but I was even given over to sin in a dream (which feels like it may have been the breaking point). I know this though, the intellect is the essence of evil. Purely satanic. That's the whole paradigm we live under, a mind that is grotesquely evil but ultimately we all have one. The fruit of knowledge of good and evil encompasses free will. There's no extra "free will" to work with. The only free will that is good is total surrender and obedience to God. Don't personify God, that is a satanic trick. Of course anyone will fear someone they've painted as a man, not operating under transcendent principles. This is all the benefit of my period with the occult, was really appreciating that God is a tremendous mystery. Try to approach him on terms of the intellect and he will become increasingly horrifying. Though I have an ultimately very jewish mentality, I am not a kabbalist. I don't push past that fear with anger and conceit and pry at even more of the mystery to apprehend it in my mind. God can only be understood by way of the heart. This is something many Christians haven't realized because even they have the vision of the man in the sky, which cannot possibly do the ultimate any justice.