>looking for something that will alleviate the pain of reality.
I think in some way the people who come to faith as a last resort sometimes have the realist faith. No judgement on the cradle to grave faithful who are bought up in deeply Christian households and hold fast to their faith through out their life - goes without saying that's great too.
But I say for those of us not in those circumstances, because we've been there, down in the depths and, your right, the pain of reality without God is just too much to bear.
But I know, and others who have been through some stuff will know, that God in his almighty providence has used our free choices we have made and the consequences bought on by them to bring us to him, whereby in our weakness our ONLY option is to seek him.
>That if I were a normal, successful human being, I would have never thought about God or anything related to spirituality.
In the past I have often thought the same thing, that had I not gone down the route I did, and been materially satisfied having fun, getting forward in my career, chasing skirt, that I would have had no need to ask the big questions, and search for meaning and for an answer. I would have been too distracted, like most people these days are, to care. Indeed I was for the majority of my teenage years and now my 20s. And I know had I carried on, or taken a path where I would have been as blind as those people in their material satisfaction are (which never really satisfies, no matter what it is) up until the point of death, heaven forbid what my eternal fate may have been (and who knows, still might be). I'm dealing with some serious shit atm, only bought on by myself, hence I'm sometimes deeply regretful and full of what is known as Godly sorrow. Nevertheless, whenever I pray, I try to remember to thank God for where he has placed me, joyfully knowing that, no, it isn't meaningless, that there is hope, and that I've been put there for a reason, to learn from my mistakes and eventually when I'm out of it to help others who are going through something similar or that I can relate to, without judgement.
>deep down I'd still be a loser who only chose that path because he had nowhere else to go
The thing to realise is, deep down without Him we really are all losers, with nowhere better to go. Without Him everyone is missing the precise and obvious point of it all.
If you don't call yourself a Christian because you don't believe, look into the realiability of the new testament, and the reasons for why people believe what they do (life, death and ressurection of Christ) and see how reasonable it is given the historical evidence. For the ressurection to be believable, you also need to need to understand that it rests on a miracle. In a materialist/naturalist worldview, miracles are by definition discounted. Therefore in order to allow for mircles, you need to be open to the possibility for the existence of God as he is commonly understood: perfect, all, knowing, all powerful, perfectly just, all merciful, and personal. So the second things you need to look into is arguments for the existence of God.
I don't know what you're dealing with atm, but I guess if you don't believe yet throwing scripture at you probably won't help. Nonetheless, some passages that I keep in mind that you may/may not find helpful later on down the line should you continue in your line of enquiry:
Re: God's providence and bringing us to him out of our circumstances form Geneis 50:20 (read up on the story of Jacob and the context of this if you're interested:
>20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.
Re: in the moment of temptation from 1 Corinthians 10:13
>No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
Re: doing the Father's will from Luke 22:42 (when Jesus was praying to the Father regarding his impending fate on the cross:
>saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”
In our weakness we do indeed desparately need Him. He is the ultimate source of everything, the sustainer, you're only where you are because God has put you there and is sustaining your very being continually.
Not sure if helpful or just a ramble, but anyway, God bless.