actually I did just get XDMX to work, with mate on top of xfce. xfce did not like running another session on top of itself.
now it's just also unbearably slow. basic things would work fine, but I need to span a browser session, preferably sharing the same profile, which is why standard x forwarding doesn't work (firefox and chromium won't open the same profile twice). firefox/chromium are so slow with xmdx it's not a usable solution.
in case anyone is curious in the future, I didn't X to talk to other X servers over the network normally, I used ssh.
-install xdmx on server that will be running the xdmx session
-make sure X is running on both client and server, start your regular desktop environment.
-xhost + may or may not be necessary on server
-configure startx on server to start something that ISN'T the currently running session, mate if it's already running xfce, etc.
-client: ssh -Y {server}
-client ssh session: startx -- /usr/bin/Xdmx :1 +xinerama -display :0 -display:127.0.0.1:10.0 -ignorebadfontpaths -norender
the new spanned session should now pop on both client and server monitors.
"-display :0" above is the client's display
"-display:127.0.0.1:10.0" is the server's display
export | grep DISP on client ssh session to get server's display which should output "declare -x DISPLAY="localhost:10.0". localhost might not work, 127.0.0.1 does.
most of this was sorted out from a 10 year old youjew video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOzRCBGDVaE
because there's almost no documentation on this.
sucks this is too slow to be usable.