Ran out on a rail

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Ran out on a rail Anonymous 06/03/18 (Sun) 21:05:41 No.12645

This is more /improve/ related, but that board’s dead so fuck it. The mods can delete it if it doesn't fit.

I can’t have fun

It has nothing to to with how much free time or work I have or have to do: I simply can’t gain any enjoyment from anything. When I drink a cherry coke, I think that I’m ruining my teeth. When I buy a magazine I feel I’m wasting money. When I study another language, I feel like I’m never going to learn to program, and when I program I feel like I’m never going to speak another language. And when I go to the movies, I feel all four at once.

Unless I have something enjoyable, in the future, to look forwards too, I’m going to relapse. It’s just a matter of time. And it’s why I can’t become full non-degenerate either: Degeneracy is hedonism, which is enjoyable by it’s very nature.

This is compounded by the fact that I have never *done* anything fun. Not as an adult. I turned 18 almost exactly one thousand days ago, and in that time I’ve almost nothing that I enjoy. I hated my last two birthdays. I didn’t enjoy my high school prom, and If you haven't guessed by now, I’m a virgin. I can’t build discipline without a purpose for it. No amount of self-improvement is ever going to be a replacement for doing something I like. I’ve been telling myself variations of “Why would you want to go to a rave when you could STUDY INSTEAD” and I think it’s finally worn off.

This has been going on for a while, but it came to a head recently because of three things:

One, I went to the NAIAS (nb4racewar) and didn’t have fun, which, in hindsight, should have been a GIANT RED FLAG. I’ve been going every year since I was 12, and I’ve always loved it. Being there, and being *bored*, was a kick in the balls. Two, I got a new job and while I make more money, I still don’t make enough to move into my own place. This was the entire reason I got a new job, because talking to my mother makes me want to walk into traffic.

And third, I watched this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KaCY6VcKCM (pics related)

I never thought a youtube video could physically hurt to watch. I can’t watch the entire thing, mostly because it’s 2 hours and 20 minutes long. First, he’s not spending a dime, which means I have no excuse. And secondly: I hate both this city and the people in it, and I’ve always. always loved traveling, trains especially. The idea of going town to town, city to city, (with friends) and seeing the entire united states up close? Fuck fun, that’s the closest thing to literal heaven I can picture on earth.

I do not enjoy nopmo fullstop. I don’t know what everyone else is on, but when I nopmo I feel the exact opposite of what everyone else seems to be experiencing: I feel slow, less energetic, more apathetic and just dull. How can I give up the only thing that gets me going, when god knows I’m going nowhere else?

Anonymous 06/04/18 (Mon) 13:14:49 No.12646

>>12645

It sounds like you're depressed/ you have no real direction in your life. What are your long term goals? What do you want to achieve with your life? As far as I understand, you feel rootless, like you belong nowhere and everywhere. That's a feeling a lot of people have, but almost every one of them tries to distract themself with whatever media exist. Escapism is a thing for a reason you know. I have been in the same spot. And now there is a choice: either you let yourself slide into meaningless degeneracy to destract yourself, or you try to find true happiness. Enlightenment. Initiation. Nirvana. Krsna Consciousness. Logos. God. It has many names, but in the end, its the same.

The thing I want to make clear is that you need to find a thing you can believe in. An unbreakable foundation. A worldview that makes sense. Something you are willing to die for. Because as long as you aren't willing to die for something, you do not truly live.

Look up "Wandervogel" and tell me what you think about them.

no fap no root 06/04/18 (Mon) 17:05:34 No.12647

>>12646

why is every one on this site mentally ill and wierd?

Anonymous 06/04/18 (Mon) 19:33:57 No.12648

>>12646

Well, you hit the nail on the head. I have tried to come up with something I would be willing to die for, the problem is that so many people have already died and it doesn't seem to have had an affect. I would want my death to mean something, and serve a purpose other than freeing up carbon. I'm a libertarian, and like everyone getting freedom of expression and freedom of self determination.

As for goals:

1. I want to make good money. There were many times in my life and my family that money was tight, and it still is. Being able to go to the movies without counting the prices would count as success in my mind.

2. I want to travel.

3. I want to have sex. It doesn't have to be on a romantic beach of rose petals, but I'd prefer it not be in a burger king bathroom either.

4. I want to go to a edm/circuit/rave/music festival, and not a 2day/3day one, one of the really, really huge ones. The giant ones, that they start planning for the year before and get the government involved with because of the electricity and water usage. This is actually on my bucket list.

And as for things I want to achieve:

1. I want to earn a degree in mechanical engineering, and chemical engineering.

2. I want to invent something new, that no one ever has before.

3. I want to start a family and raise children, and teach them to read, and give them a good life.

What I really feel like though is that time is passing my by. I recently read The Subtile Art Of Not Giving A Fuck and for the past month or so, the ticking-clock/sand-through-the-hourglass feeling has been in the back of my mind alot. That's what prompted this post: That youtuber is having the time of his life for the cost of a pair of wire-cutters and a gallon of tea, and I'm working full time and can't even move out of my parents house.

Anonymous 06/05/18 (Tue) 07:34:55 No.12652

File: bea2281ec955746⋯.pdf (2.78 MB, IronMarch - Next Leap.pdf)

>>12648

You need to do two things: make your goals concrete and compartmentalise the things you want to achieve. You can do that by asking yourself questions about it. I'll give you some examples. ( You dont need to type up the answers, just for yourself)

>1.Good money

How much exactly? Through salary or investment? How much can you save each month?

>2.Travel

To where? What do you want to see? When do you have time? What are your travel options?

>3.Sex

Why? Just so you arent a virgin anymore or do you have a love in your life? What's your standard? Where are you going to meet the women?

>4.festival

Same as travel: which festival? How much money are you willing to put aside for it? Travel options?

>1.Degree

I assume you're already busy with it, but: which school? What diploms are necessary for admission?

>2. invention

I cant really help with that, only that you might never ever invent something that isn't just a new chemical formula that disappears into the archives.

>3.family

I cant really help you with this either. Good luck tho.

If you get the feeling you're actively busy with your dreams, the tick-tock feelin will dissapate. And that is one of the hardest things to do. To take action. To stand up and do something; not because someone has ordered too, but from yourself. You need to be ready to lead yourself. PDF related (pages 60-64 only) has an interesting essay on leadership. Take from it what you want, but remember: the only possible failure is giving up, and only you can give up.