/monster/ - The Last Bastion of Romance★

>>337797 (OP)

well, the only thing I can think of is ara ara monsters going into shota's bedroom, /ss/ with him, taking the cum back with her, and them using it to make power. After the shota is grown up a little or if he is still a shota he is taken back by his monster, that retires, and starts to make babies

human male children can be born through monsters, but their semen can't be turned into power like the pure human males

… I want to fluff an Inari's tail. Now and forever. And if she has more tails, I can share with our children, and we can fluff her tails together. Do you ever feel that way?

I keep thinking about the Inari that started working in the cafeteria last week. Don't you think the place livened up a little once she got here? She seems to be my age too. Maybe I should ask her if she needs a ride home or something. I got nothing to lose asking her out, might as well take a chance, you know. What do you think?

Alright which one of you fuckers stole my stapler. You know, the one with the pink cat ears. It's the centerpiece of my entire damn cube and I will NOT HAVE IT STOLEN FROM ME.

>implying I talk much

>implying I don't sit at my desk and run macros or write code

>implying I don't spend my time lurking or shitposting while macros run

>implying I don't end up feeling depressed and just stare off into space as I think about how everyone I care about will eventually die

Yep, just like my normal job. Except with more cuties around.

There Photocopier is broken again, who has been fucking the machine again?

After lengthy review, it is the intent of this Panel to recommend the Fire Marshall to allow the acceptance of Monsters into the Fire Service. Although some concerns exist around the physical characteristics of some species, evaluations of members of several species were made under the Job Performance Requirements (JPR) of NFPA 1001 (complete), as well as standards NFPA 1002, NFPA 1031, NFPA 1041, and NFPA 1021.

The results of these tests showed extreme aptitude in several Monster types (refer to Appendix A). As well as immediate, and sometimes surprising, aptitude is others (refer to Appendix B). A small minority showed apathy or a nature more inclined to tease the testing officers (refer to Appendix C).

All Monsters demonstrated extreme motivation when single males were used as victims in testing scenarios, we recommend that results of these tests are discarded as invalid, since all Monsters were unable to maintain unit cohesion. Results of, and commentary to, all JPR can be found in Appendix D.

>>337813

You know, office parties might actually be fun this time around.

>>337836

>>337833

>>337831

>>337828 (called it)

>>337827

>>337823

Uh, Nanda? You, uh, got any other flavors on offer?

Sorry I'm late, guys, my wife was a bit amorous this morning, wouldn't let me leave the house until I properly demonstrated just how much I love her. Which I do. And I did. Might have gone a bit overboard, actually, given that she was having a bit of trouble re-aligning the non-Euclidean geometries to fit a proper door to the outside - but man, the look in her eyes was beautiful.

I'll never regret marrying a Shoggoth, but every once in a while I wonder just how much she's taking advantage of being a walking violation of natural physical law. Ah, well. Anyone got the latest draft of the Petersen contract?

>>337924

Captain Haddock or one of his ancestors?

I wanna go home. This is boring. I should've stayed a NEET.

>>337797 (OP)

Alright, gentlemen. It's time to purge all the jews.

It will make our content harder to spread, but that's just in the beginning.

I predict infinite prosperity in the end, however.

I have a few announcements for my fellow employees

First off, to whom ever keeps leaving catnip everywhere, please stop. It was kinda funny the first time, but our insurance can't take another event like last tuesday. Speaking of which, I'm going to need someone to help cover for Frank while hes in traction.

Second, please be more considerate of your coworker's unique physical challenges. This means not doing things such as, taking a certain mermaid's mobility scooter for a joy ride or closing doors on those who have difficulties with door knobs Seriously, do not do that last one again, Helen was in tears when I found her trapped in that old supply closet. It took two hours of hugs and belly rubs before she could return to work

Third, the main event for our upcoming company picnic is, once again, catch the bachelor. If you wish to participate, your inbox has a message containing a link to register.

Oh, before I forget, has anyone seen my gym bag? I set it down in the cafeteria to get my coffee and when I turned my back it was gone. Its blue with white lines on it.

Alright, which one of you wise guys keeps hiding staplers in my desk? There's at least half a dozen of the damn things and I don't even use them. What am I supposed to do with these staplers, anyway?

>>338226

In the movie "Monsters, Inc.", a yeti offers yellow snow cones to Mike and Sully, then quickly reassures them that they are just lemon flavored and not… you know.

That's it. It's a cheap, throwaway joke from a movie that somehow became a stupid meme some people around here associate with yeti mamonos.

Go ahead and guess what one of my favorite mamono species is.

>>338237

Because how the hell are you going to get lemons in the Himalayas specially up in the mountains by yourself?

>>338239

The same way they bring marshmallows for their hot cocoa

>Be me.

>Cubeguy.

>Not sure why I work at a cube.

>Or why I choose to work in a place full of rapists.

>But if neither were true I would just be called guy and this story would be pretty shitty.

>Take a sip of coffee.

>Very high end, not at all like the cat shit when I first got here.

>Informing the boss offhandedly coffee was an aphrodisiac paid off.

>The danuki in accounting of course bitched but who cares.

>Get poked in the shoulder.

>Immediately move to swing keyboard at the assailant.

>Martha the kikimora.

>Used to this sort of shit from me, she countered with a mop.

<Anon-

Sorry. It's Cubeguy. I have a name, Martha.

<No, it's fine.

Hows'…Uh, what's his name.

<Josh is great, but uh. Audrey told me she wanted to see you in the break room.

>Well, shit.

>Abandoning my coffee on my desk, I take my RK95.

>Few people offer a second glance, as this isn't at all odd of me and several others to do.

>Some new guy keeps a damn SPAS with him.

>Feel tempted to borrow it, tangling with a Cheshire before noon wasn't my idea of a fun time.

TO BE CONTINUED

>>338224

Okay, now I know I'm getting pranked - those are the blasted staplers! The ones in my desk. The ones that DON'T BELONG THERE. And apparently whoever's hiding them there is using my office for a staging ground for a prank?

That's it, I'm making an open announcement: whoever's missing a stapler, come to Maintenance on floor four - I'm fairly certain I've got your gear. Please collect your equipment by the end of the week.

>>338142

>>338297

If your stapler is missing, I'm pretty sure I have it. Drop on by Maintenance so I can get it out of here.

>sitting in reinforced /k/ube that I fashion for myself in basement across from mail room

>ptrd obrez hanging from ceiling and pointing at door

>old soviet anti-tank mine acts as buzzer

>even have pkm on cabinet loaded up

>seriously, just send me a message or something

>macros running

>spreadsheets being filled out

>music attached playing in background

>drinking my bourbon and chuckling at upstair stapler antics

>mind starts wandering again

>this time not on standard slav depression, but actual question

What do we actually do here?

Also, who's up for sashlik after work?

>>338307

I just want my damn stapler back, man

>>338330

I could be your stapler, Anon

>>338315

We do stocks and investments for "alternative" products primarily for monsters. As for what products we have invested in, let's just say the cookies in the break room are not oreos….

>>338342

If I wanted googly eyes and tentacles on my stapler, I would have put them on already. Thanks but no thanks.

>>338342

You bloody well better not be subsuming equipment again. I just replaced the last set of chairs from meeting room seventeen - and don't even get me started on the prank you played on that intern! Seriously, the entire cubicle?

>>338359

Is that what's done here? I'd never have guessed, considering just 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙙𝙮 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙘𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙣𝙪𝙥 I end up dealing with around here. I don't even want to know what sort of messes they needed an entire crew for in the other building.

>>338330

>>338366

Report to Maintenance. If I have your stapler, you can collect it. If you don't show up by the end of the week, I'm bloody well tossing the lot.

And as for you, Miss Louise Kharroll: If you truly wish for me to join you in tea again, kindly do not spike it. I don't care what substances my coworkers consume, but I prefer to not have unexpected hallucinogens or barbiturates, thank you very bloody much. Bad enough there's actual Cheshires bouncing around the place - no matter how enjoyable I may find their company, the whole tricksy teleportation thing drives me batty - I don't relish having to deal with imaginary pink elephants dancing in the corners of my vision. Twice was enough.

>>338359

Fuck you, you're not keeping the oreos from me this time

jesus christ what the fuck

>>338270

>>338193

Hey IT, Assets and Logistics anon here. Stop nicking consignment notes to get your /k/ommando shit couriered up for free. Do you have ANY fucking idea how much Latin you have to chant to keep those Succubutts from The Agency out of your mind? Because I fucking do.

We've covered for your asses up until now, but one more unscheduled 'stationary' delivery and it'll be your ass, and I don't care if Ms. Tatsuyokai breaks every one of your pelvises. Rumor has it next time they'll bring mindflayers, and Jonno's not the most stable of chaps as is.

>>338403

PS, fix my fucking profile security, that Neko from accounting is still setting my wallpaper to her and some… let's just say 'creative' uses for yarn.

>>338403

Ah, buddy. My main man. Is there package for me? It's wood crate with cyrillic letters. Full of "office supplies". I'll even bring your "present" up.

Also, i'll bring you custom helmet I mentioned before. You know, the one with lead and aluminium lining and runes scratched all over. It'll keep 'em out.

I swear, working in company full of rapists is challenge. At least kikis are cute.

>>338409

Thank The God for you, you mad slav bastard. Jonno's gonna name his first (human) child after you. Call first, that kiki's been cleaning the same patch of carpet for the last three days hoping to catch you off-cam.

>>338403

Maintenance here, thank every sort of god for your help. Bad enough they leave casings and shells everywhere, but I swear, these twits have no clue just how difficult it is getting the smell of cordite out of upholstery.

And yes, I know it isn't used in modern ammo - somehow they found the cheap stuff and used it anyway.

>>338425

Try cosplaying as stapler :^)

>>338422

I think the cordite's used like incense in their murder/k/ube rituals… The cosmoline I've got no idea about.

>>338425

Lord of fucking Light… Do you have active monitoring on this fucking machine? I told you before, I'm too damn old for you! Find yourself some bashful pastry chef or something.

(Oh, and to answer your concerns about director burn-a-villiage? Not on her best fucking day.)

>>338477

Get the mad slav to make you a helmet. Jonno managed to actually tell one of those Shoggies from records to get the hell off the dock and stop subsuming the trolleys without babbling in enochian today.

>>338477

Drop by Maintenance. Bosses always order too damn much of everything, and whenever I ask about it they say to just use it up. You wouldn't believe how effective the gear I've come up with is. Haven't been successfully assaulted in months.

>>338487

>I think the cordite's used like incense in their murder/k/ube rituals… The cosmoline I've got no idea about.

I don't know which is worse: the idea that this is why that stuff is everywhere, or that it almost makes sense. Fuck it, I've done weirder.

>Jonno managed to actually tell one of those Shoggies from records to get the hell off the dock and stop subsuming the trolleys without babbling in enochian today.

Damnit L'nn, not again. This is, what, the third time this week? Those trolleys are one of the three things the company doesn't over-order. We only have so many!

>>338501

Don't forget about concentrate extract of Hoppes 9. When mixed with cordite incense, gun machine spirit is very happy.

>>338502

Note, only mix in ONE or TWO drop. Last time I pour in bottle and used incense in closed cube. Woke up covered in cosmoline, wearing only gas mask and MRE package underwear, and with much collateral damage. I was also of drinking rectified spirit at time, but no matter. Damage was done. I blamed cait sith.

>>338507

You're asking too many questions. We make things that do stuff and sell those things to make money. Don't ask questions that are above your paygrade

>>338193

Hey boss, it's me, the new Level 1 tech. The pajinko new hire up in the call center submitted a request for a paw-friendly keyboard, and it looks like we're out of stock. I checked our supply closets and the storage room. Do you know if we can get a restock of those? It's only a matter of time until the other ones we deployed break down from hair shedding, and upper management might throw a hissy fit if we return back to the days of incomprehensible emails and nonsensical Excel spreadsheets.

Also, this might be asking too much, but you wouldn't happen to have a spare shotgun I can borrow? I've got my CZ75, and it's cool and all that I can carry it to work, but in case she decides to get a little frisky I don't think 9mm is going to cut it against her.

>>338507

Hah. Are you one of those dev guys doing your best to kill yourselves from sleep deprivation? We found one in the freight elevator the other day sobbing uncontrollably about something involving a floating point error. Poor fucker hadn't left the office in three days.

Go home, get some sleep. as >>338359 pointed out, initially the big boss decided to corner the market on monster-focused consumer goods. Since then the company's sprawled.

Mind you though, I'm a bit concerned. There's been an awful lot of Agency staffers making dropoffs down here (Which is why the /k/ultist shenanigans from IT got me a bit miffed). Jonno even swears the runes on his helmet get hot whenever we get a delivery of [REDACTED] with the [REDACTED] Auth signed by [REDACTED] which is weird, because I didn't even know [REDACTED] spoke [REDACTED] in the first place. Hey Mad Slav, what the fuck language are those runes anyway?

Also I'm assuming I'm not the only human keeping the faith in here… Anybody else notice the Angels have been getting really handsy of late?

This message has been automatically pruned by AutomaSoft Security Solutions™. If you believe this was done in error, please contact your system administrator

>>338514

Oh what the shit? When did that thing get put in? We can't even shitpost on a Zipangan illusion-weaving board now?

>>338513

Another new Tech? Are the SysAdmins feeding you guys to the /k/ube or something?

>>338503

>>338502

Oh, I'm not going that route, I've got my own methods. I was just remarking that it's not nearly as strange as some things I've done in the past. Why else do you think I have such little trouble dealing with Chaos- and Abyss-sourced folks like the Shogs and Flayers?

>>338520

Mate, I'm just gonna say it straight out.

Do. Not. Fuck. With. Baphs.

They're in Indonesia, send them on a fucking holiday to Australia if the locals aren't up to snuff, just don't fucking piss them off. Do you have any idea the kind of merry hell one Alice could do if they decided to send one here?

Hi, this is the landscape company that does your property every Thursday. Please tell the Tanuki head of finances that we need to get paid soon and that nude photos of herself DON’T COUNT AS CURRENCY. I run a legitimate business and I need to pay my employees. If not, then you’ll have to find a new landscape company to harass and catcall.

Thank you for your understanding.

>>338520

Just send them some of those vibrating body pillows or give each of them a 'My Cuddle Boyfriend' from our china facilities. We can pay them in the various add ons and extras used to customize them.

By the way, who keeps wasting paper printing out poorly written cuckquean erotica? I think its that vampire from the legal department that keeps coming over to use our copy machine, but I'm not sure

>>338504

I'm glad we learned something here today.

But in all seriousness, I'm really jonesing that BBQ, you sure you don't want to come? They do beef and chicken too, not just pork. Come on, it'll be a good time

>>338553

forgot to turn off my sage

>>338514

Runes are mix of sign and language of Elders as well as cyrillic and symbols of Old Slavic Gods of yore. Of course they get hot if in range of [REDACTED] or anything relating to [REDACTED] work.

>>338520

Send them artillery shells with boy drawn on. Artillery shell is cheap and good for hug or for some girls, fug.

>>338551

Policy updates, huh? Let's see what I need to get dealt with.

>No subsuming+replacements from pay

Thank fuck for that, maybe I'll have a moment free from the constant moving-in of new equipment. So many chairs…

>No opening dyes on dock

Thank FUCK for that. Seriously, I actually considered paying a Shog to "eat" the carpets in question, it's that painful to clean out.

>Guns fine, but watch your fire

Thank FUCK for that. I mean, really - as much destruction as you're causing, you guys are competing with the Shogs at this point. Trigger discipline. Look into it.

>Against policy to "proactively date"

Policy or no, I'm keeping my arms and armor. I've taken enough chances, thankyouverymuch.

>Fairy coworkers

If it helps, I actually have a few bits of gear that should help. Highly experimental, made in my "cave" with a very large box of scraps, but so far working properly. Only three failures so far, and with all the failsafes it just meant replacing the power packs. Can't take much of the credit, though - Daisy and Crys from HR actually came up with the designs.

>Full Moon: March 1

Advised to stay home, you say? Why, then, do I have no less than nine official documents from upper management declaring that I am exempt from this option? I get that things break around here, but if I'm around that day, I'm pretty sure I'll be breaking things.

>>338540

That's literally all they hire you for. We have weresheep on the maintenance staff for a reason

>>338574

Huh, so that's why those sheep girls are out there. Reminds me of what my old neighbor use to do with his goat, but there is something that confuses me.

I know why the goat had to be tied to a post, but why are the weresheep tied up?

>>338576

>Dave from Marketing was taking a mid day stroll on his lunch break.

>The maintenance crew had just done a group shave.

>Dave is still in traction.

People think the Hellhounds and Ushi-Oni are the most dangerous during a rape. Nope, Dave's only rest came after the last of the sixth finally fainted on top of him.

>>338270

>The whole of the office floor looked pissed.

>Loudly blaring Roundabout was a poor idea.

>A black fuzzy paw slaps my phone out of my hand.

>Dislodges the back casing and thus the battery, killing the end theme.

>About face to spot Laquisha.

>Eyes go as wide as saucers at the sight of my gun.

>Probably thinking of going to HR saying I threatened to hate crime her.

>Oh hell no.

>The nighound has just enough time to suck her teeth.

>Deck the underside of her jaw with the stock of the rifle.

>Dropping her like a stone, I realized I accidentally cold-cocked her before a proper beating could commence.

>Office has weird rule, we can fight off attackers up until they've been neutralized.

>Didn't suspect fight to end swiftly, but thank Finnish space magic.

>Collect phone, wander over to break room.

>Notice I have a message about my /k/ommando shit.

>What else am I supposed to assault sexual assaulters with?

>There may have a point, it's only a matter of time before someone mistakenly detonates the claymore in my computer tower.

>Drastic, I know, but I would be a dead man if my wood elf hand holding porn was discovered.

>Whatever, people are always begging to get blown here.

>Get to the break room.

>There's just a yeti.

>Very nice lady, might have shagged but wasn't personally a fan of yeti culture.

Oh hey, what's up?

<Oh, hi Anon-

Cubeguy.

<-whatever.

Have you seen Audrey?

>Automatically I assume she had, but she shook her head for no.

<Sorry, she hasn't come by here all day. Wanna snow cone?

>They're lemon.

TO BE CUNTINUED

(Apologies, experiencing technical difficulties.)

>>338422

I'm sorry the bitch didn't think I could pump a round out erry two seconds. Is 30, .303 caliber holes and the glorious smell of Cordite that bad compared to me bringing in the Saiga 12?

And no, I'm not changing to soft rubber! I'll bring foster's slugs in next time motherfucker! Or I'll go full Finn and get high on meth and throw molotov cocktails at the larger MGs claiming they're Soviet Tanks. WHILE ON SKIS AND DOUBLE FISTING BOTTLES OF VODKA WITH LIT STORM MATCHES ON THE BOTTOMS!

>>338487

THE /k/.UBE DEMANDS TWO DROPS OF HOPPES #9, A FINE POWDER OF BLACK, A COURSE POWDER OF SMOKELESS, AND LONG STRINGS OF CORDITE INSIDE A 105MM ARTILLERY SHELL! THE STOCK OF A DEFILED MOSIN NAGANT IS HUNG ABOVE AND THE ENSUING SMOKE AND VAPOR MUST BE INHALED DEEPLY TO PURGE THE TAINT OF THE DISGRACEFUL BUBBA!

Change the defiled stock with a shitty tacticool one to purge the taint of the mall ninja and their Daemon prince, Gecko45.

>>338548

>Paladin

You know, if I was a little bitch I could have you fired for using those kind of slurs. There is nothing wrong with Securing the Existance of our People and a Future for Human Children. I'm not obligated to date your friend. She's too young, and I've told her so, regardless of what the two of you have made up in your head.

Oh, and horsepussy, I don't lock my terminal because up until now nobody's been colossally stupid enough to fuck with my shit. Keep the hell out of my stores from now on or I'll shave you. Clear?

Good chat.

>>338551

>someone has been opening barrels of fabric dye on the loading dock.

It's that big brown orc with the leopard skin 'covering' her arse (Seriously, if corporate dress code demands button-up and slacks for me as a manager even though I never leave the dock can you at least make a nod at standardizing the fucking mons too?) Couldn't do much about it before Jonno got his helmet because that musk she gives off apparently fucks with you. Fucker had stripped to the waist and was challenging her to some hyperborean trial by combat. Orc was basically making a marriage bower then and there, no way he'd have won. Thank the Lord of Light I managed to bundle her out of there before she got her hamhocks on him.

>whoever keeps replacing Ceres' lunch with a watermelon needs to stop.

Who the fuck is Ceres, what's wrong with watermelon, and why the fuck is this in the notices?

>The next full moon occurs on March 1st. Single men are advised to stay home that day and doing so will not count against your sick leave or PTO

Weird, there's a special evening service at church on the 1st… Why would the Angels put their congregation at risk of forcey fun-time by having them come out on a full moon? Ah well, ours is not to question why.

>>338563

>mix of sign and language of Elders as well as cyrillic and symbols of Old Slavic Gods of yore.

Cheers mate. First round's on me on friday.

>Of course they get hot if in range of [REDACTED] or anything relating to [REDACTED] work.

Okay IT, who approved this AutomaSoft fuckery? Someone needs to get it off.

Message from AutomaSoft™: "Ooh, so forceful Anon-kun~"

>>338565

>Why, then, do I have no less than nine official documents from upper management declaring that I am exempt from this option?

Don't be a soft cunt, maintenanceomancy-bro. I saw the Lemegeton as well as the Greater Key of Solomon on your desk when I was dropping off that metric arseload of floor-polish you ordered last week. Also you're getting double-time and a half.

>No, its just the former ones quite and you fucks keep shooting electronics or smashing them in a futile escape from rape

>You fucks

Not me little techy. I'm the one who has to actually ACTION the fucking RMA tickets you cunts send through. Did you think all the scrap just melted into the ether?

>>338587

Hah. Fuckin' /k/ommandos. I would almost pay to see that except I get the feeling our resident Maintenanceomancer would open up a toothed gateway to some horrible nether realm if we let that happen.

>>338596

>I get the feeling our resident Maintenanceomancer would open up a toothed gateway to some horrible nether realm if we let that happen.

Ah, so we helipool in Hind then?

>>338609

I grokked 'Helipool' but what in the name of the Most High is 'Hind?'

>>338612

MI-24 or how the west calls it, the Hind. The helicopter I posted.

>>338614

Maybe it's the lingering result of that niggly wasp-girl that decided to tag me this morning (Joke's on her, I drink a pint of sovereign specific every morning), but what's that got to do with the Maintenanceomancer opening gateways to dark and terrible planes beyond our understanding?

>>338573

>Maybe upper management needs you to "repair" something?

Riiiiiight. I'll bring the big wrench, just in case.

>Will do. I want to make the best dick armour I can with the biggest "fuck you" logo on it

You do realize that's only going to make them want your dick harder, right? That's not an insult, that's a challenge.

>>338579

>maintenance crew

Buddy. 𝑰 𝑨𝑴 𝑴𝑨𝑰𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑨𝑵𝑪𝑬. Unless Dave decided to be a complete moron and visit Building B, there's no way those sheep were at all in the right place. Also, thanks a lot for pointing out the mess…hours after the fact. Really helpful.

>>338587

I don't give a damn what you use, just clean up your brass/shells after. And make sure you file the appropriate paperwork after you start making a mess - otherwise I have to, and they want itemizations of 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜. If you really have to go full-metal on a proactive, at least try to limit the mess you leave behind? Please?

>>338596

>Lemegeton

>G. Key of Solomon

What. Since when?

>metric arseload of floor-polish

I ordered no such…goddamnit, not again. I swear, I need better locks on this place. Wards as well, come to think of it. Maybe a bell or two.

>double-time and a half

I am? Hang on, let's see - wow. And triple hazard pay. That almost - 𝙖𝙡𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩 - makes it appealing.

> toothed gateway to some horrible nether realm

No. I have no interest in giving my uncle's in-laws a reason to start pestering me about their "lovely daughter's lovely hand." Besides, you do not want to contemplate the paperwork involved in such a thing, especially done for purely personal reasons, without a dedicated (read: married) daemon or similar taking care of the details.

Also, "Maintenanceomancer?" Is that…bloody hell, that's on the actual official forms?

>>338615

Durak, what else are we taking to work than extra firepower. Gateway = horros = long day, bring more gun.

Although, maybe better to bring this.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gryazev-Shipunov_GSh-6-30

>>338617

>What. Since when?

Dunno… Tuesday? Gazza was trying to lure a sulking Oomakude out of that gigantic pile of 2960s that IT insists is absolutely critical and can't be scrapped, so I wasn't paying much attention at the time.

>goddamnit, not again.

Who's ordering floor polish under your chop? It's not exactly the most suspicious of substances for maintenance to keep onhand… especially since we had those slimes through for induction last month.

>lovely daughter's lovely hand.

Heh, dare I ask how many lovely hands she's got, and where on her lovely self they're attached?

>>338617

See, this is a request I respect. You're not telling me to limit my ability to defend myself. Just not to make your job worse than it has to be. I get it and will no longer use a flame thrower to clear out the webs I find in the hallway. Or use CS gas to clear out the break room before I get my lunch out of the freezer. Or give warning shots. Like I ever did before hand And I will keep the 37mm "Flare" launcher in the backpack.

And yes, Dave's walk used to take him around damn near the entire property.

Fuck filling out those forms, how bout I get my buddy's waifu to fix it up before you do?

>>338596

Nah, we good, he could crash at my /k/ube any time. Just let me know first. I got some shit that is touchy in there.

Also, Maintenance bro, any chance I could get you to look at a motion sensor? Its not hooked to anything lethal/less lethal/non lethal, just part of my counter troll system.

>>338604

You bring the Hind, I'll bring my harness. I've always wanted to hang from a helo firing into a mass of unholy amalgamations.

Also got some chainsaws if we want some fun CQC.

>>338580

Please don't continue if you're going to use shit memes

So Maintenance is a Warlock, the IT department and at least one cubicle rat are gun-cultists, and the assets and logistics guys are managed by a paladin, plus wearing enchanted helmets carved with runes made by a mad slav.

I fucking love you, /monster/. Who's next?

>>338628

Well, there is Matt. He's a contract Semi driver with a rig that took a lot of inspiration from zombie fiction. His brother mans the modified repeating T-shirt cannon on the top and I swear I saw a M-72 LAW in his cab once.

He ran over an Ushi-Oni that was having her way with a poor intern. The Ushi and intern were fine but the Ushi got a rubber pellet the width of a grapefruit at 400fps to the skull. I think one of the big wigs has the hots for him, too bad for her he talks to her with a sawed off double barrel aimed at his dick. He holds a pistol to his junk as he shows her the shotgun is loaded.

But had no problem giving an intern and his Anubis accounting GF a ride when their car broke down.

Nice bro, has a shrine to /k/ube in the cab and a set of plushy /k/ubes hanging above the driver seat.

>>338622

>Dunno… Tuesday?

You say I have the 𝙆𝙀𝙔𝙎 𝙊𝙁 𝙎𝙊𝙇𝙊𝙈𝙊𝙉 on my desk, and have since Tuesday - the fuck? I mean, I have a lot of shit on my desk, so for all I know you're right, but which are they?

>Who's ordering floor polish under your chop?

It's not that anyone specifically is doing so, more that, as I've said before, I keep getting unnecessarily large packs of supply delivered all at once. Floor polish, gunk remover, scrap metal, brimstone…you name it, I've likely had to deal with Receiving sending it in. And then I have to either use it up, or file the form to have it put in storage.

>Heh, dare I ask how many lovely hands she's got, and where on her lovely self they're attached?

Well, they're Daemons, so I'm guessing two, and in the usual places. Why?

>>338625

>cessation of flamethrower, cessation of CS gas, limitation of flares

That shit was you? Fuck, I thought it was Frederick.

>And yes, Dave's walk used to take him around damn near the entire property.

I can respect a healthy walkabout - cardio is good. But you'd think with that sort of routine, he'd be able to outrun some sheep.

>offer of assistance

Much as I appreciate the offer, I'm gonna have to decline. I actually stumbled upon the debris as part of a routine sweep a while ago.

>plans regarding hellmaw portal

I'm not opening any such things. I don't do that. I keep the buildings clean, repair/replace stuff, and file a combinatorially-increasing array of papers. Opening a portal is a serious endeavour and would really eat into the time I have to deal with my actual job. If you really want a fun bit of daemon-jousting, drop by Maintenance and I'll get you my uncle's contact info. You can arrange a playdate then.

>warlock

I swear upper management is fucking with me. Everything I do here is mundane. Anything mystical or otherwise unnatural has to go through appropriate channels. It's why I've got so many contacts with the Fey, Daemons, Abyss/Chaos Covenants and - ugh - Sabbath. Their unions' legal teams are not something I want to tangle with, and unless I tie myself to one of their members in the marital fashion, I have to get approval for everything in writing. The closest thing to magic I'm willing to admit to is the paperwork itself - as much practice as I've put into it, I can scan, process, and finalize a document in triplicate fairly quickly. It's the subclauses and traps that take the most time to deal with, really - getting the odd marriage requirement or subservience follower removed is a pain.

>>338626

Thank you for saying it so I didn't have to (again).

>>338622

>gigantic pile of 2960s

Listen, despite the great pains we have gone to to protect our server and network infrastructure from power spikes or loss of power, sometimes our hardware just can't handle the electrical anomalies that tend to occur when certain employees conveniently forget about the Faraday cage rooms set up to accommodate their special needs.

We need those boxes as emergency spares to keep things going if the replacement shipments are running late.

>>338631

>Sabbath

Well that might have something to do with it. I mean we had that middle-manager type asking about the meeting regarding the factory in indonesia… Maybe they want to keep someone with an open channel in case they have to feed them a few of these entry-level corporate cocksuckers when the negotiations go south.

And you know they will… the negotiations ALWAYS go south with the fucking sabbath.

>>338631

Despite owning a "Flare" launcher, it has never shot any flares. More of a magical chaff launcher that fucks with faggot cats and abominations. Chaff that may or may not stick to the cunts via static charge and may or may not hurt the living fuck out of them when they try to do any of their bullshit. And maybe some hot HESH shit for making holes in walls for escaping I think Fredrick has been using IR/UV flares against those insect girls though. And I didn't say I wouldn't use the flame thrower at all. Just not to burn every web I see in my way. But I will keep damage to a minimum.

Cubeguy writefag, wish granted. I shouldn't have treated this like a bad parody. Literally all of that was for the lemon punchline and not even I like it.

Is anyone going to Samantha's undeath party? I have no fucking idea what I'm supposed to bring We should cooperate, make sure none of us brings the same gift or anything.

>>338633

>negotiations ALWAYS go south with the fucking sabbath

The biggest reason why I always have at least nine lawyers in between me and them.

>>338637

Alright, I suppose that's fair. But drop by Maintenance anyway, and maybe I can get those registered as appropriate tools or something…and prepare the necessary repair materials for when they're inevitably used.

>>338638

Samantha… Is that the zombie, the ghost, or the Lich?

>>338640

The security dullahan. I didn't know her head came off, so when I gave her a scarf last year, she stared at me for like a full thirty seconds.

>>338644

Awww fuck me… that's Samantha? Now I feel like an asshole.

Anything to do with armor repair or maintenance would probably go down a treat. Isn't there that cyclops chick who's just opened that hipster-looking blacksmith's forge? Maybe she does gift cards?

>>338638

>dullahan

>undeath

The fuck? Since when are Dullahan counted as undead? The Fey keep them in their number, last I remember. One in particular is my contact with the Unseelie - that is, the Winter Court. She's the reason why I keep an industrial fan near my door, to blast back the bucket-o-red.

Well, if you want my advice, bring some Scotch. The good stuff, in particular. Nothing less than a quarter-century in age.

>>338646

Right? I felt terrible. I don't know anything about armor, but I could swing by.

>>338647

I dunno about the Fey bit, but she's pretty dead. Scotch might be nice, I hear she lost a lot of old wines in her will. Who even writes those anymore, don't we all just reanimate?

>>338639

Will do Maintenancemacher, I got all the specs and shit. Got a large collection of sensors, maybe we could work up a system so you know when commotion is happening and where. Wouldn't be too hard, GF and her friends in the IT department could help set it up.

Staying pure for your GF is fucking hard at this place. But damn the cuddles are worth it. And damn the gear she helps me make is awesome!

>>338659

Take care of it later - you've got an Ushi inbound. And she's not carrying paperwork.

>>338663

Umm, bro…

I accidentally the second floor break room. Like all of it… by putting a can of air duster in the microwave. Along with the napalm canister from the thrower. And maybe all the metal I could find that would fit. And a can of soup.

And there may be some triangular holes in the floor, wall, ceiling. And maybe, just maybe a couple of pounds of unexploded ordnance from the break room to the first men's room to the south.

And if you find my shirt/bayonet/wrench/random mags/my Glock, please hold onto them for me. I'm bumming a ride from Matt right now so I'll get to the forms and shit later.

>>338666

Was it the Ushi?

>>338573

Hey boss, it's the L1 tech again. I know I'm technically not supposed to access the company's internal messaging service from a personal device, as you can probably tell from the ID, but there's…uh…this will kind of take a while to explain. Basically, the pajinkos, chinkos, and gopjinks in the call center somehow overcame their collective national feuding and created an entente that submitted a bunch of fake requests to us, the janitorial services department, Assets & Logistics, and a few of the cube farmers too. Which was apparently a setup for a massed ambush once we arrived in the call center for the purposes of "husband capturing". Guess tigers remain hunters at heart, regardless of how north or south of the equator they originate from.

Anyways, some of us managed to escape and pile into the nearby freight elevator, and I saw a few other guys clamber into the air ducts. But there's probably a lot of guys getting their lower bodies shattered down there still, and

elevator stopped

can hear clanging in shaft

will try to force door open and get out

on floor 13

send help

>>337797 (OP)

>Talk as if you were at an office.

Embed related. Just imagine the caller being a monstergirl and talking tactical to tier-1 operators.

>>338667

Yes.

And a Hellhound looking for a scrap. And a Minotaur, and a Jinko, and I think a Ork (green girl) but the explosion happened before I got a good look.

Oh, and I broke the CS rule already, and did you find the series of holes I had to make.

>>338670

Still there bro? I think Mikey has a stash in there. Try the wall panels, hit the bottom left corners, one will open.

KEEP THE GIGGLE SWITCH ON SEMI!

>>338670

I guess I missed the memo.

>>338573

I'm gonna go see what I can do.

>>338673

Well. I guess that explains why you needed the impromptu annihilation. Fuck it, you had cause. I'll take care of cleanup - just make sure you have your report ready for the bosses.

>>338612

>Hind

That is the NATO reporting name for the Mi-24.

So if you are a eurofag/burgerfag and you get attacked by a helo that resembles the Mi-24, just get yer radio and scream about hinds moving in and they will get what it means.

>>338704

Maintenance here, I've got my broom.

>>338705

Well, it's your wedding. Might be a funeral too, if you get undead'd.

>>338707

Aaaand that's one more thing I'm going to need to clean up, isn't it. Oh well, at least I can prep ahead this time.

Also, Miss Kharroll? I may be a bit late to tea. I do apologize, but as they say, duty calls.

Don't forget to sign up for the team building exercise next weekend. Everyone who attends will be awarded a limited edition "Team Building Exercise 2018" T-shirt. There will also be free donuts so, ya know, there's also that. If you don't attend you're going to feel real silly when everyone else is walking around with their limited edition T-shirt and you're not.

>>338674

Trust me, I had more shit in the /k/ube but I didn't want to bring half the building down. Well I did but I'm not that sort of a dick. What do you drink? I'll get you the good shit for this one. Or does my other buddy's wife need to grow you some special flowers? And I'll rig up your office nice and secure like.

>>338672

>I don't even own a .300 blackout

THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! DO YOU NOT LIKE A FUCKING SUBSONIC ROUND THAT BURNS ALL ITS POWDER IN 8-9 INCHES OF BARREL AND MAINTAINS STABLE BALISTICS OUT TO 300 YARDS AND CAN SWITCH TO SUPERSONIC WITH OUT A CHANGE TO THE GAS SYSTEM OR REMOVAL OF THE BARREL?

DO YOU NOT LIKE BEING ABLE TO LOAD A VAST VERITY OF 7.62 PROJECTILES IN A VERY FLEXIBLE CASE?

GODDAMN HE MUST BE THE ONE DUDE IN THE SQUAD THAT LIKES MAN LOVE TUESDAY!

>>338675

No, you shout the name of your highschool mascot while holding an AK over your head.

Followed by a lesson the Taliban learned in the 80s and get the fuck out of its rage's area of effect.

>>338729

>limited shirts

Or they can drop by Maintenance, where I have boxes of them from past years' events. I know your game, Margaret.

>>338732

I actually don't drink. Not out of any preference, but because it just doesn't work for me. I think I pissed off a Bacchan one time. I'm not sure if she was a Satyros or what, it was a weird night, just that since then alcohols just are like water to me: flavourless, textureless, and not even good for getting drunk on. That having been said, what sort of flowers are we talking? I do some floristry on the side, might be nice to have new items to work with. And thanks for the restraint.

Side note, I'm just about to enter the "battle zone" as it were. Got my broom and bin, so I should be fine, but even with that I'm unlikely to respond for a while, mostly because there's undoubtedly a huge mess waiting…and exponentially more paperwork to follow. Linda, could I ask you to make a pot of coffee - a big one? I have a feeling I'll need it. Your exosuit should be fully charged and ready for the task.

>>338754

>where I have boxes of them from past years' events

I thought we'd already donated them to goodwill?

Anyway, this isn't going to be like last year. We're not going to hand out team building t-shirts that are dated for 2017 in 2018. I've already ordered them from the Printshop so if we don't get enough sign-ups we're going to have to go from team to team and have the supervisors volunteer their respective team members. Whoever doesn't get picked this weekend will get picked next weekend naturally. They'll be two classes of 30-one for this weekend and one for the next.

I've personally spoken with HR and they confirmed team building classes foster better cohesion amongst co-workers and facilitate the growth of company morale. You're definitely missing out if you don't show up.

Co-workers, do not be of panic. I seem to misplace round for Davy Crockett. No, not Amerikanski folk hero. The launcher. If found, please return to basement cube. Is unarmed I think. Either way, not recommended to smack around like cheap whore.

>>338729

>>338759

I have already attended classes of 2018. I do not need to again. How? Ancient slavic majicks. No, I cannot devulge secrets else it not majicks anymore.

>>337797 (OP)

Everybody on /monster would be guilty of headpat harrassment

>>338759

Hey, can you give me the exact location and time schedule?

And any shipping bros here, I got a large package of some defoliants coming in and I'm not gonna make you guys carry it up. And does anyone got any spare pvc piping?

>>338754

She's an Alrune, can get anything she wants to grow. Oh, and umm, sorry for the mess again. Damn fluff spider didn't want to take no in most forms until the explosion. And the Jinko I think just wanted someone to rub her belly. Her manner was just to aggressive.

>>338761

Uhh, I got no idea slavbro.

>>338763

Only when they do a good job like the good girls they are capable of being. Belly rubs being reserved for paying back favors.

Assets here. Benny's got a thousand-yard stare after getting out of that whole elevator fracas but doesn't seem to be tailing a mon or wearing a ring so I think I've still got a workable team here, praise the Lord.

>>338764

>pvc piping.

Knock a request form up with the appropriate chops and cost-codes and we'll get as much as you want in. 'Spare' isn't really a thing apart from product samples and the like which the sales team manage (or should I say MISmanage).

And don't worry about the defoliant, by all means come down but if it can't be handed by Jonno, Gazza and an electric trolley I have doubts about it fitting in the fucking building.

Also who ordered the pallet of 5.56 NATO? Nobody's tried to call it stationary (thanks) but I also have no departments or references. Shit, how'd you even pay for it?

>>338776

My package is three, 4 foot cubed crates. That ammo might have been a group buy, I'll talk to the guy who ordered to get the info. And by spare pvc pipe I meant anything longer than 6 inches.

Alright, Maintenance here, I'm back. And, thanks to Linda, I have coffee. I swear, if the highers-up don't approve her raise request I'm going to do something drastic - she's one of the few reasons I can keep up with things. And yes, she's happily married - her husband's in HR, actually. She's really just here for the exo test trials, and pays with coffee worth its weight in gold.

Elevator mess on 13 is dealt with, as far as I can tell without dismantling the thing. That'll be a job for Thursday. The shmucks involved - human and mamono - should be receiving the appropriate notices regarding safety come the morning; for now, I think they've been through enough dressings-down for me to get my point across. Note to self: get new brooms.

>>338759

>I thought we'd already donated them to goodwill?

Yeah, if by donated you mean boxed up and put in my office, and by Goodwill you mean my office, then yes, they've been donated to Goodwill. Please don't order five hundred of them this year. There's at most two or three hundred employed here.

>>338761

>round for Davy Crockett

Yeah, I found something that looks like it could do some damage while cleaning up the elevator warzone. Drop by Maintenance and be ready for a triple-layered, foam-filled, tub-based Matryoshka of doom.

>>338764

>She's an Alrune, can get anything she wants to grow.

Great, could you ask her for some Middlemist Reds?

>Oh, and umm, sorry for the mess again. Damn fluff spider didn't want to take no in most forms until the explosion. And the Jinko I think just wanted someone to rub her belly. Her manner was just to aggressive.

Like I said, don't worry about it - heat of the moment, things happen. As long as noone's injured too heavily, things should be fine.

>>338776

>Assets

What.

>Assets

What.

>Assets

𝕻𝖑𝖊𝖆𝖘𝖊 𝖗𝖊𝖕𝖔𝖗𝖙 𝖙𝖔 𝕸𝖆𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖓𝖆𝖓𝖈𝖊 𝖆𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖊𝖘𝖙 𝖈𝖔𝖓𝖛𝖊𝖓𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊. 𝕴 𝖒𝖆𝖞 𝖍𝖆𝖛𝖊 𝖆 𝖋𝖊𝖜 𝖎𝖙𝖊𝖒𝖘 𝖇𝖊𝖑𝖔𝖓𝖌𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖙𝖔 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖉𝖊𝖕𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖒𝖊𝖓𝖙.

𝕿𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝖎𝖘 𝖆𝖑𝖑.

>>338783

Yes, Assets. As in assets and logistics. As in the guy who called you Maintenanceomancer. Why's that make you break out in what I can only assume are emojis?

Guys, I think I have reason to believe I'm being stalked home by the ushi-oni in HR. My pens have also been disappearing, only to reemerge later the same day, covered in… stuff. I also recently found my house door broken down, and there is black hair in my now empty underwear drawer.

Yes, I'm going commando, please don't tell anyone.

>>338797

>Yes, Assets. As in assets and logistics. As in the guy who called you Maintenanceomancer. Why's that make you break out in what I can only assume are emojis?

I do apologize for my tone, I had only just acquired the coffee and not had a chance to imbibe. However, after dealing with the Elevator-13 situation, and returning to a severely overpacked officeroom…stress, it builds up. Not an excuse, I know, but I hope it serves as an explanation. I will make a concerted effort to avoid it being an issue in the future.

As for the emoji… Ah, I see. I may need to file a few more forms - it seems the Automasoft system has decided to be a bit finicky. You had trouble with it yourself, I believe. Why it did not leave its footnote this time, though, I am not certain. Perhaps you might open the text in a different reader? I have disabled the program on my end - warnings be damned, I know how to type - and hopefully my writings will be more legible from now on.

Mmm…coffee.

>>338802

…drop by Maintenance. Until I get this supply situation sorted, I should still have a few items you could find useful. Spare clothes, if nothing else.

>>338783

Got it, potted in her special blend of soil. And don't try just gas and motor oil in any molotovs. You need some serious shrapnel or a high velocity and high volume HESH round to do much to their chitin.

>>338802

Better be /k/ommando while going commando. Yes I find the feeling of a pistol slide against the base of my penis comfortable and reassuring.

>>338804

wow i shited that up

Hey maintenance. production here can we get you to come look at some of the machinery on the floor? It's uh… the machinery is starting to do things it shouldn't.

>>338806

Is it sucking off people working the line again?

>>338810

Do any of the police have a shirohebi wife? They are amazing at searching for things relating to their crushes, it's kind of scary. I mean, wasn't that how Danny got his secretary after that business trip in Thailand?

>>338803

Yeah nah, working now. Went and saw the Neko who originally had the VMware hole into my system and asked if she'd made any changes. She hadn't, and seemed more than eager to help. It was kinda weird actually. you know that server farm where we've got the SIG Firewall units that butts onto accounting? She kept looking at that door… almost like she was scared of something. You IT blokes got anything that'd give the Mamono the willies in there?

Anyway, besides the point. Oh? Didn't know that Benny had brought anything with him. I'll send him right up and… weird… my monitor is… dripping. Gross, have we got umbral slimes in the fucking walls again? I'm gonna have to get more blessed seals from the priestess… by FUCK that woman can go on about it.

>>338810

>Godforsaken Jungle

Better hope they're not… I mean if they get bored and start monsterizing Cassowaries the whole planet's doomed, at least out in ass-backwards nowhere there's nothing but red dirt, bugs and lizards.

>>338810

Waitwaitwait… My Cuddle Boyfriend™ is for SABBATH?! I bought one for my fucking neice! Please, in the name of the Lord, please tell me she's not liable to find any… extra features on it?

(And before you cunts say anything, she was always complaining that she didn't have any knight dolls big enough to play with the fuckoff colossus dragon my stupid-rich sister-in-law bought her last Lightsmas. It fit the fucking bill and I was tired, ok?)

>>338807

No. I'd actually prefer that to be honest. I am currently hiding under some floor paneling. you know how medusa would turn people to stone when they looked at her right? Well it's kinda like that… only some of the guys are completely covered by it. Like some sort of scuba suit or something.

Um, Hi… This is Brian from R&D? I'm using a terminal in assets. Does anyone have access to the Building Management Call-out? We need an electrician in lab 3, one of the other techs headpatted a raiju intern without thinking and… well… we need a LOT of repair work done.

Thanks in advance. I'm not hanging around down here, it's awfuly muscular and… angry… and why are they all wearing helmets?

>>338828

R&D here (lab 2). What machines are responsible? How is the material transmitted (contact, magic field, projectile)? Describe the material composition as best you can. I can get a level A hazmat suit if needed.

>>338829

The fuck Brian? Why wasn't she grounded before entering the lab?

>>338837

Gazza from assets here. Assuming he was the peaky manlet who came in earlier, probably because he didn't have the stones to tell whoever it was off. Something about Neil always finding some excuse to touch her? Fuck knows, well above my paygrade.

(Oh, and Brianetta? It's muscular down here because Swole is Sanctified. Praise the Lord)

…Oh fuck me you're kidding. The boss is looking to rip off someone's head and piss down the stump… apparently someone just dropped off fifty kilos of peanut butter, graham crackers and chocolate without a label… same courier as the 5.56 NATO that came in earlier.

Hey… if someone's doing s'mores and shooty… swing us an invite? Only work events we ever get invited to involve the church. Don't tell the boss but I think he takes the whole "Lord of Light" thing a little TOO seriously.

>>338811

No, three guys were sent in: one was single, another was in the midst of getting a divorce with his human wife and the last guy was married to a cuckhorse who is probably masturbating 24/7 over the idea.

>>338825

>Better hope they're not

It’s fucking Australia, anything’s an improvement at this point. Besides it’s an island; if anything particularly bad develops it’s gonna stay there.

>>338826

The standard model is a product for all ages. So long as you didn’t get the My Cuddle Boyfriend Deluxe™ version your innocent niece is fine unless she’s humping it on the “struggle” setting.

Which of you cunts didn't replace the ink in the printer? I got three and a half pages of shit, I need six.

Anyways I got a call from /d/ again, they asked when we're going to admit to being closet furries. I gave them the usual answer. Do they have nothing else better to do?

>>338849

Did you see a blond vampire from legal around? If you find print outs of cuckquean porn filled with purple prose, its her.

>Do they have nothing else better to do?

If they did, they wouldn't be /d/

>>338850

Well, well, well. Guess whose getting fired next quarter. I swear to Mars that none of you people care about of half the shit we work with. Did you know a printer trying to print without ink can fuck it up?

Being I.T. is hell. Last week I was called by the same vampire, she needed 'help' with her computer but really she wanted sex. Don't call me unless is important, I'm here to fix shit not be the company whore

>>338837

It seems like a hodgepodge of machines put together. It's most certainly contact. You know it actually reminds me of a shoggoth in a way. Only with machinery rather than a eldritch slime.

Maintenance here. I need an alibi. Or seven. Uncle decided to come visit. Brought his family.

Someone "break" something, please? Or actually break something? I'll file the relevant forms to make it look normal, just please give me an excuse to get away from the conversation!

>>338857

We'll isn't it your lucky day. That empty printer I.T. mentioned? Well someone just kicked a hole in it. You're welcome for the notification.

>>338858

I'm going to need your name and that of the guy from I.T. for the forms. So I know who to name my first- and second-born after. I'll be down with all due haste.

>>338868

>Those emails are coming from inside this building. IT's still trying to figure out who's spoofing them, and I wouldn't come that day if I were you.

Well, great - except that the docs in question are hardcopy with actual signatures from three separate managers, only one of which is Mamono. Jefferson, Martinez and…Aurum?

Also, print-job's finished, papers filed, get me more to do or the in-laws will start up again trying to get marriage forms written. Daemons are fine but this one's a Devil and I could swear her parents were Sabbath at one point because they've taught her to look and act the part, albeit less-than-convincingly. I have no idea how to get them to realize I don't go that way.

Sidenote, finally got around to updating my post-headers with contact details. I'm told this helps with filing?

>>338872

Bloody hell, why does nothing work right around here? I know I put my email in the field - why is it not showing? Is it one of those weird cases where I have to put things in reverse order? Testing.

>>338872

>>338873

Giving this one last try before I start nagging I.T.

Confound it, work!

>>338856

Huh. We use shog-biomimetic printers over here for prototyping, but they… Fuck, I'll be there ASAP in level A hazmat with as many viral somnascalars, elder sign MQCA transmitters, and [READCTED] as I can carry. If anyone's got eyes on the shogs from records, tell them to stay AWAY from production for the next 2-3 hours.

>>338875

It was right the first time. The email field is an HTML link for mail software, it isn't supposed to display. See:

<!DOCTYPE html>

<html>

<body>

<p><a class="email" href="mailto:ViolatedHero@8ch.net"><span class="name">Violated Hero</span></a></p>

</body>

</html>

If you're still looking for work, check with Brian in lab 3.

Bah, these tech things are maddening. I prefer hardcopy anyway.

>>338884

Thanks for the advice. Anything I should be prepared for in the labs? Anything that might give me a reason to stay away from my office a bit longer?

>>338890

See >>338829

Just lab 3, thankfully. Techs are going to be checking the terminals and trying to salvage whatever data they can. Plenty of shit's going to need attending to: light fixtures, hard drives, monitors, etc. Maybe even the floor and walls if the charge was large enough.

>>338893

Great, I'll grab a full suite of gear. Should keep me busy a while.

>>338868

>Those emails are coming from inside this building. IT's still trying to figure out who's spoofing them, and I wouldn't come that day if I were you.

I found the fucker. Cunt's in the basement, I'm about to head down with my IT standard issue cattle prod. I'm going to be out for a while, try not to crash the server while I'm taking care of this.

>>338839

I'll get you guys on the mailing list. Don't worry, we only allow married/taken girls with us. Just don't challenge Mika to a shoot off, her dad is former Vympel and her mother taught him to shoot. And bring something fun to shoot at.

>>338857

>>338897

Need another, saw that Ushi cunt earlier? I can take down a tenth of the building for you if needed (I'll try and keep it to holes in dry wall and carpet fires).

>>338903

If you got a radio, change it to channel 2, if shit happens, get on the radio and scream "PARTYPARTYPARTYIWANNAHAVEAPARTY!" You'll hear "NEEDTOHAVEAPARTY!" and reinforcements will be there for you.

>>338857

Devils. Like LITERAL devils in the office? And not up in the faraways with the marketing succubutts but where the real work gets done?

Mate, this puts me in an odd spot. I think I might take the rest of the day off.

>>338907

Great, come get your shit off my fucking dock. Next time if it comes through unlabelled I'm going to give it to someone you don't approve of.

Oh, and Gazza, I don't believe you're stupid enough to think I don't read what goes through this terminal. My office, tomorrow morning.

>>338907

I've ITed for /tg/ before I transferred here. This is far from my fist code 62-b. Though I appreciate the gesture.

As it stands I'll have no signal in the next floor down. I'll radio in if something happens, just don't send the ushi; she's been salty after I filed the cease and desist. But I'm sure HR will understand if I have to zap her again.

>>338908

I'm not responsible for logistics, last time it was my turn I fucked it up terribly. I'll get Ryan off his ass and get the shit. I already picked up my defoliant, which was labeled properly, had the necessary hazmat forms filled, custom's checks and even a small cooler with some imported beer for you guys. (I moved up from the dock, got too much respect for you guys to treat you like my personal courier service.)

Also, tell Jimmy "He-knows-who wants his fucking guns back. They were loaners not gifts!"

>>338912

Only use the signal if you're knee deep in shit and a knuckle deep in some girl's mouth. They come in loud, hard and with way less warning than the Spanish Inquisition, or that Golden Eagle harpy that grabbed Ted from the 3rd floor break room that had no window.

>>338907

>Need another, saw that Ushi cunt earlier? I can take down a tenth of the building for you if needed (I'll try and keep it to holes in dry wall and carpet fires).

Please do not be tearing down the building proper. My domain only goes so far; taking down full-scale infrastructure risks hitting others. Besides, I think the uppers'd start noticing. But thanks for the offer. If you'd like, though, I can see about reinforcing your workspace. Make things less likely to fall apart when a train hits.

>>338908

By daemons and devils, I mean my Uncle (partially-incubized), his wife (Daemon), his wife's sister (Daemon) and husband (incubized), and the sister's daughter (Devil). They got authorization from one of the bosses to drop by - perks of being directly related to management, in the case of my Uncle's wife - and brought the daughter because of reasons. Said reasons being their most recent attempt to hook me up with the daughter. Worst part is, I can't even find it in me to get mad at her. No matter how irksome I find the situation, she has to put up with her parents constantly - and like I said, they're probably former Sabbath. She's actually not that bad, just not my type. I simply prefer Daemons to Devils, is all. Fitting, I suppose, given my predilection for paperwork. Also, I think they're trying to get me to use magic on the job, again.

>>338884

I don't see it actually. It's been quiet too. I think it's left this part of the floor. And the door can't be more than a few years away. Plus it's starting to get hot under these panels. I'm going to make a run for it.

>>338933

Ghouls are incredibly messy eaters. I have a ghoul coworker who eats at her desk, and the damn place is covered in bits of raw beef. I need to put air fresheners at my desk because the reek often reaches my work space.

If she tries anything intimate, have her take a bath and brush her teeth first. If she says no, threaten her with a condom.

>>338938

Oh yeah, you were hiding in the floor. Problem's solved. Source was a shog-biomimetic device missing from our lab. Seemed to be deconstructing and reconstructing the floor machines. Currently going through the code. The suits on the production staff are clearly prototype [REDACTED]. Elder sign MQCA transmitters did nothing, so there wasn't any ongoing interference from things best left unnamed. I hope this was just some gremlin prank. Do we even have any of them on staff?

Jonno here, Boss went home on account of not wanting to have to answer pointed questions relating to unexpected demoniac family reunions from certain pushy winged members of the congregation.

>>338914

>I already picked up my defoliant, which was labeled properly, had the necessary hazmat forms filled, custom's checks and even a small cooler with some imported beer for you guys.

You are a fucking bro. I'm sure Boss will thank you too… assuming we leave him any…

>Jimmy

Jimmy, Jimmy… You mean Jimmy the Intern with the perfect hair who's responsible for the Maintenance Warlock having to clean up 'spot spills' in half the hallways on level eight every half an hour on account of the monsters frigging themselves bloody over him, or Jimmy the Nigger even the Angels are recommending be transferred to some place rhyming with 'Blapango Bit'?

>>338933

>Just a lowly grunt working in the shipping department

Oi man, Boss told you get some damn sleep, you're already pushing the ceiling on overtime.

…And we don't have any ghouls in Logistics. Tell her the boss'll put her in a box for a week if he catches her on the dock without a good reason.

>>338941

You mean apart from the one that probably installed the AutomaSoft system after someone convinced an appropriately vacuous suit that having an Automaton merrily plugged into the firewall?

Message from AutomaSoft: Awww! You TOLD! I thought we were friends, Jonno-kun~

>>338942

>…having an Automaton merrily plugged into the firewall…

*Was a good idea?

(I swear she just likes fucking with us down here. Half the time she'll [REDACTED] our [REDACTED]. I swear to the Lord, if this wasn't paying the bills I'd [OH MY] her [DEAR ME] and [L-LEWD!] her right in the

Session Terminated by System Protocols at XX:XX:XX

>>338933

Ghouls are good girls shes probably just lonely and has her eye on u

>>338945

>Maintenance here. Boss confirmed to have cowardly traits. I mean, I run from the in-laws because they're directly after me, so I have just cause.

You've never had a Higher Angel lecture you, have ya? Trust me, Boss is a lot of things but craven isn't one of them.

>Wait, does this mean I'm indirectly related to the boss?

Nah, I meant like THEIR family. Like you said how they were related to… I'm assuming Ms. Gremorie with that colouration.

>Just remember: you break her, you marry her.

Pfft. She challenged me to a game of 'Call of Modern Battlefield - Space Wars'. She's got no idea what she's in for. Silly Robutt's gonna be doing ALL my pick-and-filing.

Message from AutomaSoft: Ufufufufufu~

>>338947

Gazza here, can confirm… I printed out that picture to hang in the office, bit of harmless eyecandy, she's pretty cute after all… Sweet and Merciful Lord of Light… You know how the doctrines say that Angels go before them with a sword coming from their mouths? (Praise the Word of the Lord) The metaphor's not far fucking off!

Bugger me they got sharky about it! I'm not even sure they knew what they were saying, considering one of them said something like 'If we were to debase ourselves with such lewd thoughts the least we could do is look upon images of forms more pleasing to the Lord.'

D-did an angel just offer to send me nudes? Nah, I'm not thinking straight, ears still ringing from the wrath of the holy choir and shit…

What species would our BOFH be?

>>338949

We would have an unholy triumvirate of Gremlin, Anubis, and Gazer. The only thing which stops them burning the entire thing down around us is the fact they hate the shit out of each other so most of their pranks involve stymieing the plans of the other two.

Maintenance here, who the fuck thought it was a good idea putting bananas and sauerkraut in a heating vent? Taking me hours to clean out. Am currently stuck in vent system - as in mess is extensive, not as in need rope. Stupid mini-terminal has limited keyboard, autocorrupt constantly butting in. Cleansuit will need burning. Do not want to describe walls of vents. Have no words to describe vent floor.

>>338947

>Higher Angel lecture

Bloody hell, Boss actually deals with those? On anywhere near a regular basis? Never mind, Boss has negative cowardly traits. Less than zero. I mean what the fuck.

>Lack of relation

Massive relief, seriously. Keeps things simple. Too many complications leads to madness, cousin Frank big example - intentionally ran off to a Wonderland, claimed it felt less crazy. Starting to wonder if correct.

>Game made of information vs Lifeform made of information

Don't be too sure, Autos are banned from all digital competitions vs meatspace folks for a reason. Don't recall details, but was matter of news for a fortnight.

>>338948

You fucking what? Print of pics not good idea; generally images of Daemons and like contain minor lesser links to actual Daemon pictured. Safe to view digitally or through original hardcopy - if hardcopy not itself hexed - but reprints not safe. Causes distortions, corruptions; risks attracting unwanted attention from outside influences. Take angels' advice, remove picture from wall, burn, burn ashes. For future ref, if want picture of actual Daemon, ask actual Daemon for specifically unhexed image. Minor humiliation better than attention of things even Chaos/Abyss avoid. You do not want to know what scares a Shoggoth or gives a Mindflayer night-terrors.

Message from AutomaSoft: The following is a transcript of AudioLog 237 from ProtectSuit™ 19, worn by company Maintenanceomancer™.

"I swear, if I ever find out who put all this crap down here I'm going to have words with them. I mean, really - why is all this food debris down here?"

"It just doesn't end, does it. Who designed these vents, anyway? Dwarves? There's no reason for them to be this size, or go this deep. It's like a damn cave down here.''

Records indicate the contract for ventilation systems in building A were fulfilled by [REDACTED]. Reasons for the dimensions were [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [DATA EXPUNGED].

Some ten minutes of simply awful humming have been [REDACTED] for purposes of avoiding harm to ears.

"What the - this isn't right. These markings…claws? WHOASHI-"

Impact detected on ProtectSuit™ upper torso. External audio sensors damaged. Internal audio sensors insufficient to task of recording external sources.

"Hey, get off me! I'm warning you - fine, that's it, eat lightning!"

ProtectSuit™ defense subsystems include TASER-based electrical systems designed to repel immediate threats. Capacitors rated for use primarily against gelid physiomorphs such as Slimes in event of environmental hazard-induced mental contamination. Minimal effect against other physiomorphs.

"OF COURSE THEY WENT FOR THE CHEAP MODEL. Get off, get off! No, wait, don't -"

Suit audio feed lost. Tracking lost. Vital signs lost. Helmet irreparably damaged, likely removed. Security requested; nearest entry point found in building A basement floor 3 vent duct 6. Security advised breathing aid likely needed, lightsources needed.

>>338949

>>338950

Don't forget about the human PFY that the three would constantly be hitting on and/or fighting over among themselves.

>>338825

And if we did, its best that you never know….

>>338933

Its not worth it, no matter where she got the blood from.

>>338960

That one was me. The Slav and I were saving my protege when we got hungry and apparently we forgot to clean up.

>>338989

I found three of them in my drawer today. Odd thing is, I only recognize one of them. Did we get any new manticore workers recently? Or did one of them give birth?

>>338994

I think they're just multiplying on their own at this point.

>>338995

That's the trouble with mofucores…

>>338914

Sorry for the lateness of my report. A gremlin set up in the basement and was sending the emails. Had a Bitcoin mining rig too, so that solved the electricity and server lag issues. Had to chase her out of the building after smashing my way through a few traps. She'd gone for good. If she dosen't want another poke of pain.

>>338985

I got issued a spare a while back even though I had one. Chalk it up to administration. Come by the office later for it

>>339009

Have we considered maybe restricting all sexual intercourse to non-vaginal while on the company ground? Just a suggestion.

>>339009

Aye. Last thing I want is one of the fucking things wandering into the server room and accidentally killing itself via electrocution. If is comparable to a rat, then I don't want to clean it up.

>>339011

I don’t think manticores just pop these things out after a couple of hours following sex. Even children of that tiny size would take at minimum a month or so to develop. Besides how would one even stealthily give birth without literally anyone knowing.

>>339011

Well, fist off babies doing just pop out right after sex moron. Second how about having no sex while on company grounds. Plenty of time for that when you go home.

The stalls are almost always taken with couples fucking, swear to Christ the next time that happens I'm going to give them each a wet paper towel bomb. Again.

>>339015

>Second how about having no sex while on company grounds

Not happening. So much as I would like to slam my big red buzzer everyday, I’m pretty sure mamono will try to take us to court over a discrimination case, especially since for many it is the equivalent of us removing their right to eat food.

>>339016

>Right to eat food

I assume they can go a few hours without sex like humans can go a few weeks without food yeah? Actually I know they can. That gremlin look to be down their for a few months, alone.

Just a general statement from IT: fix the sex problem or I'm striking. No one wants that. And I certainly don't want to go back to buckets damnit.

>>338999

Oh, so that's what they're called. I saw little fluff sneak around basement /k/ube. Picked little one up. Well one thing led to another, now little one likes vodka, salo, and babkiny semechki . Is cute. Maybe find little hat for it.

>>339018

According to the Fair Labor Standards Act, it is mandatory to provide a lunch break to employees so they can rest and eat. Not too many people enjoy working on an empty stomach.

>I assume they can go a few hours without sex like humans can go a few weeks without food yeah?

Are you even human? Go a week without eating and get back to me on that.

>>339023

Lunch break? You get those? All I get is some snacks between fixing shit.

Sorry. I'm actually venting a bit, don't have the best conditions at work.

>>339023

They could at least hire some people specially to give the mamono their "lunch". It would probably help with getting molested during work, I'm getting sick of finding that damn purple cat between my legs with her paws on my zipper. I would like to talk with HR about it, I keep getting sent to either my ushi-oni stalker, who would probably tear through the building if she heard, or Sadie, and I don't think a bicorn is going to be any help here.

>>339028

Nevermind, I totally love getting my hot dick sucked off by the most beautiful cheshire in the world. I love her amazingly short skirt, and the fact she keeps sitting on top of my head every morning. She would also probably be the best lay in the world if I wasn't an absolute wimp who can't use the bathroom just because her face appears in the urinals occasionally!

>>339027

No, we don’t get lunch breaks. Go back to what you were doing.

>>339028

We aren’t paying gigolos to laze around and have sex in the office. If you want to complain about the management leave it in my complaint box, it’s the one with the three arrows in a triangle on it.

>>339013

Well, >>338994 mentioned that he saw two extra that what he originally knew, so it's not too farfetched new ones are being born on the grounds. Unless we have some pipe line to the local kindergarten or something….then again I never really look into what you guys have us shipping here in the loading dock….

>>339028

>>339032

How about a new project for us in R&D: vibrators that satisfy more than one need. We can get volunteers from the staff to test the prototypes; help increase productivity and improve the product. We can even set up private (soundproof) stalls for testing to reduce bathroom congestion.

>>339034

>How about a new project for us in R&D: vibrators that satisfy more than one need

Elaborate, this could be groundbreaking.

>>339033

I know that. What concerns me is how no one knows where they are coming from and the logical conclusions that can be derived as of now seem very unlikely.

Until further notice if you find any mofucores in the building please notify the security. They’ll probably do something about it. If they don’t just sort of collect them. By tomorrow I’ll get one of the shoggoths to become a playpen to contain them until we know what go do with them.

>>338942

>Automoton merrily plugged into the firewall

If that thing gets near my work station I'm zapping it. Never trusted robots, never will.

>>338964

>He wears a suit

First mistake. Grandpa was a tunnel rat and he didn't need anything more fancy than a 1911, cargo shorts, a line of coke and a flash light.

>>339037

And I'm not a tunnel rat. I'm basic Maintenance. Everything I do, I need to file forms alongside. There's forms for bloody everything. They go up exponentially if you don't follow procedure.

Frankly, I'm only mildly surprised there's forms for dealing with rowdy mini-Wurms taking over my arm and refusing to let go. I know I run a high normal temp, but this is a little silly.

>>339034

I'm not so sure that will help. Not a single mamono who I've gifted a dildo has used them, they usually just throw them away as soon as they think they're out of sight. The only one that was kept was the one I rigged to send out shocks, but that only satisfies maybe one or two species.

>>339031

IT, I need a new password. Again.

>>339041

I hope you know the best I can do is a stern talking to and another warning. Flooding my desk with red tape is the only thing this accomplished.

>>339039

Idea is that they discharge synthetic spunk. It wouldn't be as good as the real deal, but cafeteria food doesn't compare to a home cooked meal either. The method of application should also improve the experience. Of course we'll start with small scale trial runs to establish efficacy before moving to office-wide implementation. Spitballing here, but we can also make versions with species-specific enhancements. Shock discharges like you said, increased heating for the undead, etc.

>>339044

Maintenance here, my official stance is that this idea is going to end in tears and messes bloody everywhere. Let me know when I need to get the mops.

>>339023

>>339046

Isn't giving alcohol to a minor illegal?

>>339044

Just been informed that the project is a go. Once we've got the synthesis process down in lab 2, lab 1 will take over product design, development, and testing. Personally going to be taking a back seat on this one. I'm a code monkey, not a lot I could do. Still, I'll try to keep everyone apprised of any important developments.

>>339047

If you're lucky, it'll be deemed not suitable for commercial use in the first round of tests.

>>339047

>Let me know when I need to get the mops

Bitch please. I've worked as a janitor for this company for over 10 years and you would not believe the shit I have seen and subsequently had to clean up. Just the other week, one of the succubutts in HR got hold of some dumbass shota who had come in for 'work experience'. Let's just say it was not the 'experience' he expected

And if I find out that you were the cause of any previous messes, the next bottle of sanitizer has your name on it

>>339110

Does HR even do anything? I tried going to complain, and all she did was tell me to "relieve some stress" with a wink. I took her advice and played some PlanetSide in the server room and ignored any pleas for help. Ultimately it don't fix my problem and she acted all pissy at me when I saw her again.

TR for life.

So I was messing around with my phone and wasn't watching where I was going and somehow ended up on one of the sub levels. What do we even keep down here anyway?

>>339143

It's one big supply closet last I checked. But no one goes down their often so god knows what you'll find.

>>339110

Maintenance here. I can only assume you're in Building B, then. If Succubi are among the worst you have to deal with, count your blessings. At least you have a team over there. Guess what: over here in Building A, I'm the only maintenance/repair/cleanliness/janitorial staff on task. "Additional duties as assigned," officially; they just piled on. Whatever messes/damages crop up, I'm on my own. Not bragging, not complaining - it's the job, and it pays the bills, so I'll bloody do it. So if I make a vague statement about wanting to know when some possibly idiotic plan is likely to cause a mess, maybe, just maybe, I'm trying to head it off at the pass.

>bottle of sanitizer

Cute. Make it an industrial-size drum and maybe I'll be interested.

>ten+ years

Oh, look, we got a badass over here. So you're old, good for you.

>>339089

Yep, prepping the mops now. Gonna need a dozen at minimum, as well as wall-repair materials, first-aid supplies, duct-tape, chocolates…

>>339115

This is a Succubus you're dealing with. Ignoring her will cause her to chase you. If you want her tail off you, either find a wife, make her your wife, or - absolute last-case scenario, I do not recommend this - the option to Alp exists. Please do not take the third path.

>>339143

Last I checked, filing cabinets and somewhat broken "traps for unaware men" were all that's kept down there. Retrace your steps carefully, or you'll be down there a while.

>>339148

>This is a Succubus you're dealing with. Ignoring her will cause her to chase you.

I'm not ignoring her. Then next time she tries to bring it up I'll shoot her down. You think calling her too vanilla for me would work?

>>339148

Aah finally, a like-minded fellow janitor. I feel for you with all those extra 'duties'

My last job saddled me with complete morons who half of them nearly died after one made mustard gas by accident

That being said, yes Building B is somewhat tamer compared to the lunatics in R&D in Building A and the crazy projects that become catastrophes

With the recent hires being as good as they are, I should be able to send a good team over to help with whatever 'project' they are working on now

Also, I heard about your mofucore outbreak and I have just the thing. An old gremlin friend of mine ended up putting together a useful tool

It's basically a backpack vacuum and storage device that makes it easy to contain them while not hurting them in the least. I can sent it over ASAP

>>339161

Dealing with succubi are relatively easy. Just dash on some holy water with the morning shower and they'll fuck right off with no harm done

>>339208

Frankly, I'm surprised we haven't seen any agitated and/or unusually aggressive manticores prowling around here lately. I would have thought manticore moms would be a bit more protective or watchful their young ones.

By the way, why are manticore babies called "mofucores", anyway?

I second the holy water idea. Works great on all undead and demonic type mamonos. You guys might notice that I tend to keep a water bottle on my desk or with me most of the time.

Maintenance here.

>>339161

That's not a deterrent - that's a challenge. She'll just try harder. See the holy water suggestions below, but bear in mind that some actually derive a perverse pleasure from it. Like hot wax, or those most recently discovered superghost peppers that actually induce temporary death. Not that bad, actually, once you get past the cardiac arrest. If you really need some of the blessed fluids, drop by Medical - they're obligated to keep a vat in case a Hallowed member gets injured.

>>339208

Yeah, it just adds up. Still, even if these nutjobs are liable to accidentally create a cold-fusion powerplant in their attempts to refine vodka in re-purposed cosmoline canisters, they're decent enough I can't really get too upset. It's actually not that big a workload, despite the fuss I throw over things - I just prefer it stay that way, so I rattle bars every now and then. If you get any who want to work the job, check on Building D, first. I know you've got a team, and C is dead quiet, but D's new enough there's no way they've got dedicated staff for the job.

Vacuumpack idea sounds good; I've been using a simple cart and grabbing the munchkins up with static-cling from an electromagnet, so having something a bit more purpose-made should help.

Funny thing? I actually got this job by accident. I was originally signing up for the filing department, whatever it's called. Simple work, keep forms organized, fill out additional papers as necessary, avoid the madness of some environments and pull down a steady wage. Then a train ran through the interview lobby, shouting about being late, and left a massive mess; I didn't want to give a bad impression, so started tidying up a little. Next thing I know one of the bosses is leading me to the Maintenance office, handing me a set of keys, and asking me to get to work actually cleaning up the mess. I didn't know what else to do, so I just got to work. Apparently, the chaos of the situation made him mistake me for an actual janitor, and by the time things were cleared up they must have decided I did a good enough job to stay at the post. Pretty sure that's why they assigned the title Maintenanceomancer - realistically, there's no way I should be able to manage as much as I do, without mystical aid, and yet somehow I do. Luck, perhaps? Things do have a way of just lining up perfectly, come to think of it. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket…Still, pay's insanely good, so again, not gonna complain.

>>339226

Building D huh? I can do that. Any idea what happened to Building C? I heard that the Esoteric Department went haywire and then nothing for a few weeks

I'm not willing to send anyone in to check it out and I sure ain't going in myself without some serious backup or something potent that's kept in that storage closet in your basement

There should be a safe in the lowest floor of Building A with a weird yellow seal painted on it. Holding the title of Maintenanceomancer should be enough for you to open it

Last time someone who didn't have the title and tried to open it vanished. Only thing left was a purple smear that I believe is still there. I'm pretty sure it explains why you are as… efficient as you are at your job

Or we can just leave them be and keep working as usual and probably be better for it. I'm sure they'll sort things out eventually… if time still has some meaning we understand for them that is

>>339033

Some monsters don't like baby sitters, so the boss thought it was a good idea to open a daycare on the first floor. My theory is also in line with the baby wurms that were in the vents.

>>339238

Yeah, C ended up becoming a bunch of secondary server banks and some shmucks playing some Starcraft clone, last I heard. Nothing really happens there anymore. Simplified a bunch of things. As for what was there before, well…sometimes it comes back. Briefly. Plus side, the messages they leave during stopovers indicate they're actually having some sort of fun. It's like a bizarre orgy or something. Even the Flayers and Shogs were confused. Even Speedwagon.

The closet is off-limits for a good reason. I'm only allowed in if I accept a bunch of terms including joining a guild, getting married, and completing a seven-month course on applied quantum mechanics, and even then only because I was there when it got locked up. Kinda made my head all screwy for a few weeks, kept seeing colors as sounds and flavors as textures. Plus side, I could understand the Old Tongue clearly for a few days, though that's since passed. if that's a prereq for getting access, it's probably best to ignore it either way. Besides, getting involved with the things inside mandates getting in contact with the Sabbath, something they keep making certain the other guilds don't manage to deny.

I'm not opening the safe. Not again. Once was enough. What's inside is not worth the hazard. The deals it offers…I paid my price in full. I don't want to risk not being able to so again. I still doubt I paid the actual price. Impossible requests are supposed to be impossible. The item requested - a mundane fruit, oddly - was not actually in my possession before I opened the safe. Then it was.

Most of the stuff we have here at MamonoCorp™ is reasonably straightforward, and often fairly fun. The daycare, for instance. The mini-wurms have started demanding I stop by after the little adventure in the vents. Also, for all they are insane, the /k/ultists are generally fun. Even the train mamono, the ones with no brakes, are decent when they're not trying to get me to break a hip. But just like Omelas, there's always something to balance it out. Don't trek this rabbit hole. It doesn't end.

An announcement to who ever snuck the mimics and Djinn in a jar into the warehouse and shipping docks: Go fuck yourself.

It was funny at first but we haven seen Jeff in over a week. That and I swear they are teaming up with the mofucores, as someone chases them and they hide in a chest or they jump over a jar only for the mimics to grab them, meaning we have one less co-worker and mofucore still running around.

>>339257

…Maintenance here, I'll go get my nets.

>>339257

I swear, if these little shits start flying, I'll start blasting as if it was a real game of Duck Hunt.

And no, I'm obviously not gonna use real bullets.

>>339252

I wonder how little one would be when she becomes adult?

>>339269

Oh, that's Lewis, our old alchemist. Guy accidentally drank a bottle of phantom ectoplasm mixed with gazer tears. Stuff must be exuding from his pores by now. Avoid mirrors for the next two days, and don't read or watch any television unless it's slice of life. Avoid any story that have involves pain, even if it's slapstick. Stay away from phantoms entirely, you do not want a harem of phantoms, each with a very different idea of what makes good love story. Terry is still not sure whether he had an incestious relationship with his sister, the queen of mars, or if he screwed the horse messenger of the golden swamp caverns.

>>339148

>>339146

Yeah I'm lost now. Though there is some pretty cool stuff down here. Also figured out where they took the vending machine with the good snacks in it. Are we renovating or expanding the basement down here? I mean there is quite a bit of stuff down here but we still have a warehouses worth of space here. Plus the hole is a bit dangerous. I almost fell down it

Oh hey, we've got the building B and D blokes on here now, cool. Hey Bravo, got any SquirrelFast Con notes left? Ditzy bitch at reception said she forwarded ours to you by mistake.

Also, and I hate that I have to fucking act like his damn dad, if Jonno drops by asking to use your terminal, do me a solid and tell him no. Caught the silly fucker looking up neural interfaces because that damn construct in the server room's seemingly gotten him in love-at-first-videogame-trouncing. I don't mind a bit of fraternizing but I can't have my staff letting strange AI in their heads. Not only is it a breach of OH&S guidelines, it's just not on.

Message from AutomaSoft: You won't keep Jonno-kun away from me you Paladin Baka!

Also Maintenance, Got anything somewhat corrosive? Seems Trish caught that big brown orc… and it looks like she wrung her out like a sponge all over my dock. Gazza's got some mopping to do after subjecting me to the end-result of a bunch of attendant angels tattling on him for posting demon porn all over the walls.

(Also if you're in any way infernal, I'd stay away from Dispatch/Receivables for the next couple of days. It's Holy in here. Shoot me an E-mail and I'll have Benny pick it up from your office. We'll be doing similar for deliveries. We're an ecumenical workplace and fucked if I'm gonna be the person who stuffs that up… You hear that, Ms. Gremory?

>>339324

>Cool stuff

Cool stuff like two half-ton flatbed trolleys? If they're there, they're MINE, and don't listen to what the Heathens in B and D buildings say!

>>339328

Maintenance here, best I can do on corrosion is…wait, what's the undersurface? Specific material, please. Some of the cleaners I use get finicky if they're thrown at the wrong stuff. If the docks are full-concrete, that should be fine, but if there's a mix of things I might need to pick and choose the goop I bring down.

Don't worry about throwing Gazza at the mopjob, technically I'm at fault for having not considered the hazard of posting the pic in the first place. Realistically he is at fault for printing it out - I mean, really, who does that - but he had no way of knowing the consequences. If he does it again, though…

Also, not infernal in any way despite the in-laws' best efforts so I should be fine with regards to doing my rounds in D/R as usual. Just baseline Human, so far.

>>339324

>the hole

That's supposed to be there. Quickest way to Abyss territory by a long shot. Lets any Shogs, Flayers or other affiliated Mamono get back to a semi-safe place in event of "Mundane Meltdown" as it's been semi-formally described. Kinda like breathing into a paper bag for us, come to think of it. Don't fall in, physics gets weird in there.

@AutomaSoft™ System: This is not in any way an official sort of message. This is purely a selfish request. Your actions are becoming slightly hazardous to your position here at MamonoCorp™, specifically in that they are risking limiting business activity. Logistics and IT are not so much justified as they are outright required to throttle your activities if the pattern continues…and if this results in your acting out, they are actually required to dismantle you, by force if need be. See subsection 9 of the SubSex-tion Manual for full details. I would prefer not to have to clean up the mess that event chain would leave behind. My request, therefore is thus: if you are planning on pursuing Agent Jonno, please do so in a manner that either does not hinder company margins, or (preferably) actually increases Agent Jonno's effectiveness on-site.

>>339346

>Specific material, please.

Whatever's in an orc that's been thoroughly… Wrung. Shit, piss, blood, spit, sweat, bile… Looks like Trish didn't so much put her in a hurtlocker as bought her an all-expenses-paid cruise on the S.S. Obliteration.

>Don't worry about throwing Gazza at the mopjob, technically I'm at fault for having not considered the hazard of posting the pic in the first place.

Just ruin all my fun…

>I mean, really, who does that

He does. Zero. Impulse. Control.

>but he had no way of knowing the consequences.

He knew it'd get the celestials' panties in a bunch. (Do they even wear panties? Whoop… better not go too far down THAT mental road.)

>AI threat

…I mean I don't think she's at the 'straighten up or get de-rezzed' stage. To be honest, again I'm more irritated with Jonno thinking that's ever gonna fly in a workplace environment. Just… Keep it for the weekend, y'know? Unplug, wear yourself a nice synth-sleeve, maybe the two of you can go to Church together?

Message from AutomaSoft: Hehehe, Church… Wait… Oh my Developer, you're serious aren't you? Kyaaa, fine! I'll be good!

>>339348

Oh, and floor's standard issue concrete. What else do you make a loading dock out of?

>>339254

Now you've got me curious if there's anything I might make use of in that closet. More than half the programming languages in my job description are based on quantum mechanics. It's necessary for coding on anything other than basic CMOS architectures. And synaesthesia isn't a deterrent. I can induce weirder cognitive effects through my implants. My only real concern is Sabbath. What's down there that the lolis are the ones guarding the gates?

By the by, the ability to understand the old tongue might still be in your head. If you want to find out, stop by lab 2 and we'll poke around in there. TMS only, no permanent neurological changes. Promise.

>>339328

A couple guys in R&D, myself included, have neural interfaces. Browsing the net when you should be working is a realistic concern, an AI hijacking your brain is not. Even if you gave an AI full access, it couldn't do anything worse than some random guy with a couple magnets could unless it was built for that very purpose.

Project update: shipping should expect a canister of spermatogonial stem cells. Send 'em up when you got 'em.

>>339353

>>339350

>>339348

>>339346

Why does it sound like our computer system is becoming a real life version of 'I Robot'?

>>339330

Yeah I passed those a while ago. I've also found a couple pallets of slavshit as well as what look like little minecarts that move this stuff around. I also found a bunch of extra servers or whatever they're called down here. Not sure if that's the bitcoin setup that gremlin had or if it has something to do with what IT said >>339359

>>339359

Just going reiterate, if that damn thing gets near me or my shit I'm going to fry it. Already have an excuse, it's apart of my religion. Literally a get out of jail free card.

>>339374

In light of this comment, I would like to remind all employees and contractors of MamonoCorp that the religious protections outlined in their contracts do NOT extend to injuring the person of, or by any act or lack thereof shortening the cognizant existence of any other entity employed by the company.

AI is recognized as sapient life. Our AutomaSoft unit in building A is protected under Federal Human as well as Mamono law. Any violence against our charge will be met with VIGOROUS Legal response.

Also we'll cut your fucking balls off.

Best regards,

GremTech Service Delivery Solutions

>>339353

>curiosity

Off-limits just means I'd need to get clearance. I was pointing out that I could probably already handle the quantum mechanical and cognitive prerequisites.

>consequences

Telling me the synaesthetic effects are variable just makes me want to datamine my brain while experiencing them.

>requirements

I'm already well-versed in quantum mechanics. Have to be to write code based on its principles. The paperwork needed to get out of the guild and marriage requirements will be the real headache.

>old tongue

Fair warning, no permanent effects doesn't mean no effects. Normally inaccessible memories can appear suddenly and vividly. Cognitive faculties may be improved or disabled. Residual pathways become active again. But you'll be back to normal, if disoriented, almost immediately after we're done.

>>339353

>Side note, anyone working in Receiving should be noting a rather large, heavily-sealed package arriving for Building A Maintenance.

Hey uh, Receiving here. We finally found the package after our recent fiasco, sending her up now.

Whoever told our resident witch that they should brighten up my day with some magic is going to get smacked. She chanted in some weird language for a bit, and the next thing I know all I can see is light. It took days before I could see again. I'm pretty sure someone nabbed a few packages before they could be tracked as well.

Lastly, did someone bulk order industrial machine lube? There's 200 gallons down here and no building specified on the delivery.

>>339443

Machine Lube or Cosmoline? If the latter it'll be SOMEONE in IT. Oi lads, what'd I say about refs on your con notes?

This is the landscaping company AGAIN. If I could talk to someone actually competent in finances that would be amazing. Every time I call I get routed to the same Danuki who’s been sending me nude photos every day for the past couple of months. You haven’t paid us in three months and if this continues any further I will be forced to take legal action.

>>339422

>AI is recognized as sapient life

If it's programmed to feel then it isn't sentient.

Anyways, whoever dropped off the laptop covered in… bodily fluid better be aware that you aren't getting another for a few weeks. Have fun with paper only. Just know that I'm not mad, just disappointed in you. But also furious because this is the third time from the same fucking person.

>>339447

It's Cosmoline. I'll send it over asap.

Anybody know how to stop that salamander from security from challenging me to a duel every time we meet? Just because I carry around a blade for self defense doesn't mean I'm a freaking warrior.

And just so everyone is aware, Jane from accounting's order of bulk manticore spines and five gallons of fake blood are being sent up right now. Only god knows what that Cheshire is up to. I've been told by HR that it was cleared, and if I refuse to send it up I'd get canned.

I'm still not used to this whole inter-company messaging thing.

Maintenance here. Miss Cressida Stahlhart has arrived safely, and should begin work shortly. First, though…

@managementGremory, @managementLightfull, @managementNullstricken: I'm honestly not sure what to do right now. On the one hand, I feel like I ought be reporting a major case of harassment to…someone, considering that there's a document obligating MARRIAGE between myself and Miss Stahlhart, with your signatures on it. On the other hand, considering the reports from her last position, I don't know what to say to her if I were to go about denying the order in any way. You've put me in a severely tight position, here. What, have the Guilds gotten on your cases about my case?

>>339440

>reiterated interest

Well, it's your brain. And body. Figured a fair warning was appropriate. Best way to get the ball rolling is going through one of the Guilds. If you really have to.

>QM skills present

Just to clarify, the rep stated that it was less an understanding and ability to use the QM ideas, and more making them be completely reflexive. As in hand on a hot stove reflexive. If you have that, you should be golden.

>Old Tongue access warning

…I'll check with my doctor first, just to be sure. Need to make certain they have a baseline for comparison afterwards.

>>339453

@AutomaSoft Systems™: I am authorized - and required - to prevent messes when possible. If you feel you are in danger, please note that the Maintenance A office has recently been expanded, and can act as a temporary haven; if need be a simple Faraday Cage can be crafted against electronic hazards. Pit and Sky, I certainly have the space now.

>>339491

>incoming Cheshire actions

I'll have mop- and sweep-carts prepped, just in case.

>>339491

>HR ok-ed a gallon of fake blood

>HR ok-ed a biohazard

Hate to tell you friend, that's not HR you were talking to. Even the unprofessional ones know that some lines shouldn't be crossed, and ordering a shitload of spines is one of those. If you still have time call security and get that shit out before we have a repeat of last years Christmas party.

>>339510

Farming Department here, I ordered 4 sets of new tires for our tractors about a month ago. We can't even properly clean the stables or work the fields anymore, our tractors don't have any grip on those old rubbers. I know our Minotaurs and Holstaurs are pretty strong but I'd rather depend on my machinery than having to take the teasing again. Not to mention it would save us a lot of time. And nerves.

>last years christmas

Was it a white christmas? I had to stay at home due to the Holstaurs not leaving me alone.

Holstaurs in christmas spirit are the scariest thing I have ever had the chance to see.

>>339512

I swore I wrote the quote below the first section, damn these new computers. Never had them and never needed them years back

>>339512

One of our old HR reps spiked the punch. Needless to say she got fired. One of the biggest messes both, physically and legally, that this company had to date.

>>339512

We have a farming department? Lemme have a look for you bro… OH SHIT NO WAY! That's the sweet rural property they set up and bussed us out to for last year's Thanksgiving BBQ! Dude, tell Cara I will get her Gazza's personal cell if she puts aside one of those pumpkin pies and doesn't tell anyone this year.

I'm getting distracted… Tyres… Tyres… Oh here we are. Yep, those definitely don't go on a car. Huh. Looks like R&D got director approval to appropriate those. 'Project Hellcrawler?' Weird. I was expecting a replacement order to come through. Guess they didn't tell you about it huh,,,

Anyway, replacements are sorted, should be here in two to three, and out to you day after.

(Also are you the only human there? If so, damn… all that boobtaur titflesh… You're a stronger man than me.)

>>339531

HAH! I remember that night. They had little Eugene from payroll in fucking traction because it sent the poor bastard feral and the mons were only too eager to oblige. Good times.

>>339453

He's like a mother hen sometimes isn't he? Good manager too. Always has our backs against the top brass and keeps 'em from working us too hard (Except for that silly git in building D shipping who subbed his way into triple shifts. How's the ghoulfriend, you crazy caffeine addict?)

Anyway, Jonno says that he thinks the sleeve's great but…. Fucks sake do I have to type this? Urgh, fine… He says 'It wouldn't matter what the sleeve looked like as long as it was you.' What an alp…

The following Servers have suffered a stack overload and will now restart. Please relate all data recovery tasks to IM003468

S01MCA004

S01MCA006

S01MCA009

Exception Error Report:

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3

>>339556

Damn robot. I hope the thing is happy with itself.

Know what? I've accumulated about 5 straight weeks of PTO and I'm taking them all right now. Good luck fuckers.

>>339556

At least it wasn't a gremlin or a raiju that caused it this time…

While I'm here, I might as well remind everyone that we still have a scheduled downtime planned for our e-commerce platform servers next weekend from Friday evening to Saturday morning. The version of Gremlinux they are running is going out of support soon, so we will be migrating the platform from the "Relentless Raccoon" version to the new "Sugoi Serval" release. Yeah, I don't know who comes up with these cutesy codenames, either.

>>339558

This? This shit right here? This is why you keep getting knocked back for shift manager.

Like I said last week at staff drinks, learn to play the game.

>>339559

Probably GremTech SDS. Have you MET the rep? She's… bubbly.

>>339563

I don't care about being shift manager. Just every once in a while I would appreciate a thank you that dosen't end with "IT guy". I swear like 5 people actually know my name and I have near constant contact with you all. I'm going to go somewhere warm, be back in 5 weeks. Don't let the robot touch my shit.

>>339510

I got your message just before making it to accounting. Luckily Kristine (Security salamander) was following me. She phoned up HR and got somebody different. Told me HR never okayed either of these and confiscated the lot. First time being stalked worked in my benefit. I heard the horror stories about the Christmas party, and I'm glad we avoided another fiasco.

There's a rumor floating around in Receiving about some bigwigs from corporate setting up some mandatory team building exercises. Anyone else hear about this? I'm praying it's just a rumor.