It seems I'm unable to feel any sort of productive, positive emotion.
I'm 23 years old, in the military.
My childhood was bad, and I was a shithead.
After two years of being in the military I get a message from an Australian girl on my interpals account. (Was trying to meet nice Korean women to lose my virginity)
I message her back and we've been talking daily for 7 months, and she sends me a video or a voice message each morning.
I never felt anything for her, I constantly had to make up replies that sounded like they came from someone who cared about her, but I figured when she got here, and I met her physically I would feel different.
Except I don't, We've gone on multiple dates, kissed, made love, cuddled, small talk.
All I can think about is what I can do to placate her. If were kissing, I don't feel happy, there is no "butterflies in my stomach" I just think, her mouth tastes like Kimchi, and how can I kiss her so she will be satisfied.
When we had sex, I was nervous, but not really excited. I could only think about what I could do to satisfy her, so she wouldn't be disappointed with me.
When we cuddled, and she crept into the crevice of my arm, and hugged me, and rubbed my chest, I didnt feel any sort of love, or any positive emotion. I worried there wouldn't be any taxis left, or I wouldn't make it back to post on time, or she was unsatisfied and faked her moaning.
When we make small talk, I never have anything productive to say to her, I don't know what I should say to placate her. I don't know what she wants, or expects from me.
Now she's gone across the country to visit a horse riding club. (She breeds horses as a business.) The last message I received from her was "Going to get dinner", 4 hours ago, and now I can only think that shes cheating on me.
For 23 years I haven't made any meaningful connections, out of my own choice.
Now that I've chosen to do so, I see it isn't possible.
I don't know whats wrong with me, but I know what I need to do.