/kind/ - Random Acts of Kindness

>>28203

I feel everyone is ugly and everything is outside my reach. Any variation of any lifestyle, any valued thing or concept, ect.- I'm a loser no matter what, whether I buy into the cheap cookie-cutter mind-control ideals of modern society or not it doesn't matter. With no god, friends, love, creativity, intelligence, beauty, stamina, wealth, or ability to appreciate things for what they are I may as well not have whatever equates to a soul yet here I am. I have no conviction to even want to die and it makes me want to cry but I'm unable to do that too anymore. I've heard it said that the greatest pain mankind has is uncertainty. I agree with that sometimes.

>depressed

>not killing yourself because reasons

Well, I hope you all somehow die on accident, friends.

One thing I strongly recommend everyone, as someone who has been mopey his whole life, is cardio. Lots and lots of cardio. Hard cardio. But keep it easy to start out with. Even then, though, at least a half hour 4-5 days a week of SOMETHING that keeps your heart rate elevated and your lungs huffy and puffy I promise WILL make you feel much better after about 3 months if you stick to it.

>>28227

When I'm feeling unmotivated, I just go out and do it. Motivation to continue almost always comes anyway. And even if not, so what? Motivation is just a feeling; basing you actions on transitory emotional states, well, I'd have to be /unkind/ to say it.

>>28278

Just doing stuff makes my anxiety and defeatedness flare up even more than trying to ignore life. Time will catch up with me eventually but that's when I opt out because fighting on has really lost all meaning. I don't let my emotional state throw me all over the place because it never changes anyway but if you wanna throw your unkind point at me then have at it, not like anyone ever is able to get to me with their opinions anyway (y'all are just accomodating, not that I wish to abuse that).

>>28219

I think maybe you should at least take pride in whatever these projects of yours are. As far as fitting in goes that's up to your interpretation isn't it? You doubtless are able to coincide here peacefully but maybe you don't feel like you share certain people's enthusiasm. I wouldn't let that get to you though, people have different viewpoints and motivations and even if you came here for the simple need to get along with others that's enough and that's all that's asked of you. Maybe you feel you don't get along with or like people here enough and that's fine too, you're not restricted to this or any one community.

>>28283

Do it anyway.

No talking or typing.

Count 1… 2… 3– now go.

>>28315

Fine butthole. Starting this hour of midnight I'm gonna draw a picture and hate myself for it and it will be all your fault!

>>28317

Express your dukka through picture, yes!

My exbf who i would >>>/pretend/ with and revealed my real sex to, just talked me me again,i haven't talked to him since 2009.

I hate having feelings for someone who isn't even sexually into me, i made a terrible mistake, i played with too many random guys online and actually liked one. Hes so nice to talk to a disturbing gay whore like me, i'm not even trans (no gender dysphoria, just autogynephilia).

I just wish i was born a woman, the women in my family are god tier, short with giant breasts, i could be married now making him happy, fulfilling him, taking care of his children, feeding him. Instead i'd have to get disturbing operations and take drugs scaring my spital memory or getting a fucking womb implanted. I'm so ashamed around him, i'm so hateful to myself.

I'm so angry at myself and i can't even cry anymore because the salt is seriously hurting my eyes to where i've been taking medicine for irritation. He makes want to die, i'll never been the right gender, i'll never be able to give him a family, i'm so perfectly useless to him.

Last i heard he had an irish gf, i don't even feel bad at the thought of him enjoying her natural female body, i want him to be satisfied and start a family, it's even a painful thought.

>>28338

I probably misspelled it but that's the pronunciation for a Sanskrit word that depending on context means "suffering", "frustration", and so forth. I was referencing the First Noble Truth of the Buddha: which roughly translated means "Life Is Suffering/Chronic Frustration/Etc.".

>>28365

That story is depressing, hits home a little, but also rather cute.

I don't know what I could write to truly make you feel better, except that there are a lot of other boys in the ocean. Treasure the memories you have, but don't linger on them forever, or they'll eat you up.

>>28383

>I don't know what I could write to truly make you feel better, except that there are a lot of other boys in the ocean. Treasure the memories you have, but don't linger on them forever, or they'll eat you up.

Thank you.

>>28365

There's nothing more of a shame than people feeling they weren't born right I think. Second to that I guess would be unattainable love. Whatever order I'd place it all in I'm sorry you have to feel the way you do dear Anon-o-gynephilic. If only life were like a video game and we got to balance things as we liked them before we were born or just whatever the hell that seems like it would work. Maybe we'd be platonic girl friends you and I.

Anyway, I don't mean to cheapen your troubles with "Well tons of people want to be pretty girls." but that's about all I can say. I hope things somehow turn around for you.

>>28492

Do you know the reason that might be? Stubbornness? Fear or unwillingness to express yourself or just presenting yourself in general? Nobody you think deserves your affection? Don't feel you have the energy or know-how to give without having received?

>>28491

Well the saying that nice guys finish last isn't far off I think, from what I see gentle people are very often people who don't want to hurt because either they know how it feels and don't want to spread it or they don't have the self-esteem to choose to be the bad guy. That isn't to say that empathy is a weakness but it's easier to shut out less than pleasant factors and people if you can get by on your own steam.

Anyway, what I'd conclude from that rambling is that it's to be expected from a community of goody-goodies.

I want to say I'm a misanthrope but quite the opposite might be true. I hate dealing with people, they're ugly, stupid, obnoxious and all-around unpleasant in my eyes. What makes me doubt disdain for humanity though is that I take feelings very seriously in concept. I feel that we're all unfortunate for whatever faults we have and don't want to blame anyone for anything. I never understood someone hating a character in fiction for being a villain, to me even if they're outright vile they're just different and misunderstood. These feelings don't reach me in real life though, I don't have the capacity to endure people's shit so most everyone is toxic to me. Online though I'm super mellow and can enjoy some people again. I'm left to wonder then how much I actually like people as people and why.

So that sums up the most important point of why I'm doomed to loneliness and dreariness I guess. I could go on and on (and just might eventually, sorry) but ultimately I'm just screwed up and can't be fixed. I guess I'm wanting to treat this like a blog or diary or whatever the hell because I need to feel like I'm talking to someone for writing this down to matter. I'm not looking for you guys to be my therapists or even expect my walls of text to be read, I just need it out somehow. Like tears in the rain maaaan…

>>28537

Like literally not scared of anything? -because I'd find that impressive.

Anyway maybe the reason might not have a definitive explanation or maybe the cause just eludes you faster than you can realize it's there or something like that. The brain can be too tricky to observe but if you believe it possible maybe there's some methods you can set up to catch yourself on a reasoning or motivation.

I'm just spitballing here though, if you wanna give something to work with (not that anyone can promise any kind of expertise) you might get more helpful responses.

>>28539

-actually I wanna apologize right quick, by the nature of this thread you may not have wanted any kind of particular response or questioning so I don't mean to insinuate you're calling out for help.

Have a good day Friend.

For starters, there's nothing wrong with feeling that way, so stop punishing yourself or letting others look down on you for already being in a pretty gloomy place. Secondly there IS good and light and wonder in the world, but part of getting to it is seeing the evil and shittiness for what it is so you can reject it in favor of what you really love and care about. That may include all the defeatist/nihilistic replies you may have already expected to see here, but then again those may also be people fighting the same internal battle in their own way. Peace.

A bit of a TV cliché is that everything would have just worked out if you cast aside some of your pride and asked for help. Putting aside how those characters are already respectable enough for you to like I disagree in such a hopeful safe message. As someone who has no real amount of pride I say more it's a fear of losing dignity which is a very legitimate all-around concern. If you feel like a mess and you don't see a way out there's still that much to lose for no gain. Everyone around surely knows that I'm a dreary person but when you put it into words or obvious actions that outright make a statement people inevitably judge or won't leave you alone and you cant stop them without really losing it and getting agressive and driving them off and adding a personal hurt to their lives. I already have so little connections that keep me safe, no part of that process is acceptable just to vent so that's why I'd like forgiveness for perpetuating a sorrowful atmosphere here even if only within this lone thread.

-but that's a foreword of sorts really, should I remember what I had to bitch about I'll be back. Brain problems.

Both pretty and ugly, positive ane negative things make me sad anymore and so I no longer want to watch anime. I feel like my mind isn't even my own in a world I don't feel a part of and I can't even escape into imagination and by extension my heart to want to create. All I want to do is sleep anymore but I do that too much and I'll just get sick and frustrated. I'm done trying to think anything positive will ever come of my life, being a drone to consume the next product simply isn't okay with me (I mean hell, I don't even do that right). I tell myself pretty automatically I want to die a few times daily but I don't believe anything I say or feel. The negative feelings I feel might be building up into something useable and starting to let that feeling legitimize itself somehow though and occasionally they're my aid to sleep at night when I can't quite manage through the erratic sleep schedule. The most laughable thing I've heard in a while was some religious-type person at work ranting about some other depressive person saying "Girl, aren't you thankful for anything in this world? I tell my kids blah blah blah- World aint THAT bad, blah blah blah. You should wake up and thank god you got to wake up because some people didn't". As if dying in my sleep from some freak occurance wouldn't be a godsend to me. Like I need some excuse to shit on god without that kind of crap thrown in my direction.

I realized today that being depressed is probably a more comfortable lifestyle for me than aiming for happiness and self improvement.

I know that if I tried, I could probably get out of depression. At least, I could work towards improving my current predicament, maybe create some sort of goal for myself.

But I am at a point where being apathetic towards everything and spending my life alone seems like a much safer, simpler life than risking getting screwed by people again.

>>29014

Well he'd be right I guess, I have to take crap for depression and axiety. At the same time I think the whole field is like 70% dicking around and it's always been handled badly. -not to scare you off of even trying it, just expect to the use of them to be a compromise and a good amount of your own judgement even after they find the best possible thing.

I recently stopped going to what I think was a therapist, maybe a counsler could provide me with just a little help instead, hell if I know. Sure not getting my hopes up. Here's hoping at least one of is gets a happy ending.

Insomnia is ruining my life.

Girls have shit in their ass

Fuck, now I know

>>29095

so do boys, anon.

I feel like shit and no one cares.

>>29109

Were they legit asking why there was no cake or was that a joke?

>>29124

think it might have been a joke, I dunno. Either way, it hurt a little.

>>29109

If you want to get the meds and can manage to get a prescription written up (I know that must be tough with whatever situation you have with your insurance) I would recommend getting a coupon from a site called GoodRX. Dunno how it works but I've tried it and the copay gets lowered to a reasonable cost. Even if that info were to help you I'm sure the alcohol screws things up further though.

Why do you believe you're lying about the stupor or the mental hospital might I ask? I sure know what it's like to be unsure of how you feel (plus what's good and what's bad) but it's been that way just as I've been with my meds (with the many variations over the years). Often I feel like I'd like to just fall into a sad mess again but I know it isn't that simple, none of it is. I guess even if we knew the answers it wouldn't matter but you just want that much right?

Really is rough that life is so cruel and unmanageable and then dying has to be too.

>>29180

What happened? -and are you trying to get off fast again because of fear of that brain rotting away you mentioned? I'm sure you know they can't be used with a ton of freedom or even you out for just small terms.

You want mope? Here you go:

—

Why am I here? Why am I sitting here staring at a glowing rectangle? It's my day off. What am I doing? Mindlessly browsing pointless waste of time sites. Not even doing anything "bigger" like looking for new bands or pirating TV shows or chatting.

I only get two days off a week. And I've been here for five hours, after sleeping in for almost 4.

I could be doing dishes, taking out the trash, sweeping and mopping the floor and scrubbing the walls, cleaning up my apartment a bit.

I could be out grocery shopping then cooking next week's meals.

I could be working out using the $400 of home exercise equipment I made a big brouhaha over not long ago.

Hell even if I'm not going to pull away from the glowing rectangle I could be reading through those hundreds of "learn how to draw" e-books I pirated years ago. They've just been sitting there collecting digital dust, unopened.

I could be learning Japanese using the hundreds of pirated e-books and expensive software and yadah.

I could be learning more about cool things about religion and philosophy, like listening to more Alan Watts lectures or reading the Tao Te Ching some more. I could be continuing to read Behold The Spirit: A Study In The Necessity Of Mystical Religion which I've only read maybe 5-10 pages a week for the past half year.

I could be meditating.

I could be researching how to find some sort of specialist who can finally help treat my undiagnosed mental illness(es).

I could be researching how to get a better-paying job, and stop using "my sister has a STEM degree and is exactly where she was before she went to college: unemployed" and "my mom had like 5 degrees and all the work she could find was as a bartender" as excuses, and get out of shit-job limbo.

Or at least work on a department transfer so I'm no longer on grave shift so I can hopefully take a step towards dealing with chronic insomnia.

Alternatively find some way to "be my own boss", using my ceaseless drive to create SOMETHING and get paid for it. The Oatmeal did it. Markiplier did it. Elliot Hulse did it. Tom Leykis did it. Bill Gates did it. Oprah Winfrey did it. Why can't I?

Maybe I should be focusing on how to market myself or "make friends in the industry" or whatever needs to be done since the dozens of times I tried to write (even reading at least half a dozen "how to be a good writer" instruction manuals beforehand) or make some other sort of art has gotten me no attention whatsoever. "Write and they will come" has been the biggest lie to me.

>>29209 (continued)

"Just do what you like!" Yeah, no. Going through all the trouble of making some stupid utub video or whatever is the difference between sex and masturbation: you look at your proud creation, heady in feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction… but then you look at the spunk in your hand, look at how your baby still hasn't gotten more than 100 views in 2 years, realize no one was there to enjoy it with you, and get horribly depressed and "why did I even bother?" when I already know the answer is simple expedient dealing with an unignorable urge by whacking the feelings away and feeling terribly lonely afterwards.

And yet, here I am, letting life pass me by as I have done for over 30 years, staring into a glowing rectangle. Just letting my apartment continue to stink of piss and rotting plant matter because I can't summon up the wherewithal to grab the trash bag and walk 15 steps out my door to the garbage chute.

What should I do? Blame the glowing rectangle for being my escape from the pain of never growing up knowing teenage love? Shall I, right now, grab my $3000 computer and chuck it out my second-story window, then grab a hammer and smash my $350 phone?

Objectively speaking my life isn't so bad. Hell it's not bad at all; that I have a $3000 computer alone (…thanking my grandma for the inheritance would feel as wrong as, "thanks for dying, beloved gone family member!") should indicate this. But contemplating this results in a feedback loop because I feel bad about feeling bad about feeling bad about feeling bad…

That I have wasted multiple windfalls on stupid shit has… well, at least I'm now better prepared should I ever win the lottery or a slot machine jackpot.

Why, then, do I feel so bad? Why do I feel so depressed all the time? Why does life feel so meaningless? Why do I feel so meaningless? That my existence is just a waste? Why can't I just get off my ass and do something with my life? With all the gifts that have landed in my lap that most people would kill for?

What am I so afraid of? Is it fear, or am I just lazy? Is it both, neither? Who knows? Does it matter?

"You just need to get laid!" Heh. I've actually read The Game and Rules Of The Game twice each, I've listened to Leykis 101; I could go out there right now and practice completely cutthroat dating shit, tricking gold-diggers and manipulating poor girls just looking for love by being an asshole player, and other self-serving misogynistic bullshit that I read up on during my "it's not my fault, it's WOMENS' faults for not loving me for who I am!!" phase just to get my dick sucked by dumb bar whores. I could go out right now and put to perfect what I've learned. But I'll say this: the greatest advertisement against PUA and such, was learning exactly what I'd have to do, to do so. Having to lie, lie, lie to get anywhere would… just… *shudder*. Related reading: https://introvertchronicle.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/introverts-and-prostitutes

Yet considering all of this, that, and the other: here I am. Still staring into a glowing rectangle. My one true friend and greatest addiction (even moreso than junk food) my entire sheltered life. Still have shopping to do, still have an apartment to clean, still have dishes and laundry and trash to take out, still have myriad things I could be reading to expand my mind and my soul.

And what have I elected to do instead?

Browse through stupid pictures on stupid websites.

What I wouldn't do to give my life to someone far more deserving, someone who would actually do something with it instead of letting life live them, possibly make something great out of it and create beautiful art and beautiful memories in this weird, wonderful world that I have chosen to just sit and stare at through a window, like that one particularly cruel punishment the Greek gods had for someone who's name I forget: to have a banquet right in front of him, but every time he reaches for any of it, it moves just out of reach, forever wafted right in front of him, forever "just a little closer…" This is a great example of how my life feels, and the worst of it is if I COULD just try a little harder, reach just a little further…

>>29211

>What I wouldn't do to give my life to someone far more deserving, someone who would actually do something with it instead of letting life live them, possibly make something great out of it and create beautiful art and beautiful memories in this weird, wonderful world that I have chosen to just sit and stare at through a window

Oh, so this is why I spend all my money on donations for drawers, musicans and sculptors I like. /kind/ teaches me a lot about myself

>>29217

>oxycodone

I had that prescribed to me following my surgery. Had a bunch left over when I was no longer in dire agony. But I only used one then gave the rest to druggie friends because I was afraid of addiction.

Kind of regret that since I loved that opium high…

>>29220

Although…

I WAS able to achieve a similar "calm-warm-sweet-shivers" sensation during the deepest meditation session I managed to achieve.

Maybe I need to try that again. If I can get a similar "high" to taking opioids just by concentrating really really hard…

Is there anyone on this whole goddamn board who doesn't take meds or something? I'm 23, doing crappy degree, never had a job and living with my parents, but I don't have panic attacks and never tried to kill myself. You guys make me scared, because it makes me feel like hell is going to unfold before me and I'll go through some depression-mental hospital phases like you

>>29224

true empathy comes from true pain friend~

>>29358

I went through times like this. Your unconscious is a cute loli who adorably stabs you from the inside so that she gets what she wants. After half an hour of meditation on that thought, as you accept the pain of withdrawal as natural and just course of things, it becomes almost pleasurable, the same way painful cold shower can be pleasurable

I had this beautiful dream.

My sister changed her personality by changing her hair and she lost her huge breast that brought her so much turmoil.

She was happy to see me and as out going as she was when she was a child, happy to watch anime with me.

A female roomate just left with her husband a few days ago and in the dream i was going to the bathroom and she was in the shower. She said before i could use the toilet "just pee in the shower here, it faster" which was a random weird and platonic shower peeing.

My sister suffers from panic attacks and i often can't talk to her because shes so fearful and anxious.

All I feel now are self loathing and fear of who I am. People see my happy, eccentric exterior and think I feel great. Ever since I was in a nearly abusive relationship, I've been going downhill. I haven't done any work, this quarter I will fail at least half of my classes, and worst of all I honestly don't care. When I rarely do work, I get distracted by ADHD HELL. I can't get medicine for that, because my father was a druggie and he thinks I will be too. And worst of all, every day, I feel like I have to fight to stop myself from killing someone, myself or someone else. I always cycle from suicidal to homicidal to hypersexual. I hate it so much,I often spend hours staring at the scalpel from a stolen disection kit, wishing I had the guts or the know how to end it. I attempted suicide with razors once and my ather made fun of me for it and made me show my scars and healing cuts all over my wrists in public. And he hasnt done enough to be considered legitimately abusive, just bad judgement. I struggle with the thought that I have no real personality, I just emulate characters from fiction, intentionally or not. I have no self control. I don't know how long I can last. I dont know if i should try.

>>29394

>I attempted suicide with razors once and my ather made fun of me for it and made me show my scars and healing cuts all over my wrists in public.

Jesus Christ, how…? What on earth situation could someone delusioned enough even find that appropriate? Sure can't blame you for wanting to kill a motherfucker. Druggie dad can go die in a bad drug trip with his ass up in the air. Where's the hypersexual part come in you think, just pent up frustration and heated feelings?

>>29396

Don't say that Friend, talking is your right and you seem well-spoken enough to at least stay friendly with others. I know it must be incredibly painful to have such problems with connecting but you at least shouldn't feel ashamed. How old are you anyway, middle/high school or college?

I really don't like my life as a useless piece of shit but I don't know how I could survive the kinds of shit like this I hear. Really the scariest thing is that I have to question whether I would. Don't take that as me encouraging suicide or something, I don't even believe you're as bad a person as you think you are.

>>29217

I sure wasn't expecting that… I'm sorry for your loss. Did you lose a sense of importance from it or was that from things afterwards? Is there truly nobody who cares anymore? I didn't mean to question you wanting some sort of escape, distraction, veil or whatever you might describe these different routes, I just asked to maybe understand my own mind a little. I understand a little though, you're not being confusing. I simply don't know what I could say, I wish we all at least had a chance of coming together and trying to support eachother should we want to, I don't just wanna be some douchebag who only appears to cry at your funeral though. I dunno what the hell I'm even going on about, sorry…

>>29401

I don't know, I mean like the other day, with no warning, I had the urge to give a friend who doesn't feel for me as far as I know a lapdance? And I regretted every second of it. And stuff like that makes me feel really uncomfortable even considering it, but for no reason I suddenly find myself doing it. And I hate how everything can turn me on. I wish I could be normal in all respects.

>>29411

Are you a grill?

So wait, are you saying you ended up doing it or you hated just thinking about it? Do you find your friend attractive or otherwise believe these things should feel ss goid as they seem?

>>29424

No, and I actually ended up doing it. I mean he's totally gay and stuff but I don't enjoy it or want it I just end up doing it with like no reason. I'm embarassed saying it and I have anonymity.

Like I said, it's not like "I want to do this thing. I am doing the thing." It's more like when someone shows you some shocker video and you're like NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE but you can't move to turn it off so you lie there, impotent, crying because NO WAY IS THAT GLASS CUTTING HIS OH GOD NO

So I've got this mantra I repeat when I embarass myself: "Everything dies eventually." Seriously. I move constantly, so like every 8-14 months I get a fresh start.

I am incapable of holding a conversation with anyone. Every time I try, the conversation just dies because I have nothing else to say.

Doesn't help that I don't have any interests or hobbies.

>>29463

That sounds like some real shit to have to put yourself through. Are you conscious of any factors that let it happen? Say, does this kind of thing happen in public? Does it happen with people you're closer to? Even though you don't want to do it is there something in you mind you think these compulsions might read from?

Well remember to update your marker on that /kind/ map! Bad jokes aside that fresh start is a shit consolation prize with what you've said. You're being denied a home in so many regards, you need some kind of break.

>>29467

Shoot I don't know the answers to your questions but thank you!

>>29466

>>29470

Damn it phone.

At least you have people who listen to you long enough to run out of things to say. No one pays attention to me longer than 4-6 words.

>>29471

There's a contact thread on here, so you can try talking some of those guys. i'm on there too, and I will gladly listen to you, if you can put up with my snarky remarks.

there's only one person that ever talks to me willingly, and she probably does it out of pity. I appreciate it nevertheless.

>>29532

I would consider it if truly nobody showed up and I had this post (printed out) on me. I feel it's a disservice though, you had at least one loved one not counting your kitties. Burials and crap are pretty expensive too I hear, couldn't take your cash.

Lying in bed at 12:30 am and can't sleep. Memories of being abandoned and betrayed won't leave me alone. In the bigger picture of things, I've always been the unwanted child. The one who just is there while the favored son is given what he wants. Its not even just that, everyone around me has only ever wanted him and when I come around they hope I'm just some kind of clone and begin attacking me, usually physically. None of my teachers bothered to learn my name some even going as far to use my brothers name instead. Other students made plots to jumps me and in some cases even frame me for crimes (most notable I remember is a group I thought were my friend trying to plant cp on me). And my parents, their hypocrasy is even worse than sjw shit, saying no one cares that I'm not my brother both before and after ranting how I should've been more like him. Even when I was just 3 or 4, they left me at a daycare til the late hours of the night because they were too busy celebrating my brother's victory at a tournament.

I wonder why I was even born if they had their perfect son already. Everything combined has left me completely incapable of forming a deep connection with anyone and no skills to deal with people in any capacity. My 25th birthday is coming up and I can't bare to think about how my life turned out from all this. I don't feel love or loved and I hate that I've become this broken piece of shit.

>>29584

>>29580

Forgot to say fuck your parents and brother, anon. Theyre not worth shit if they treat you like that.

>>29552

And she's gone now, so you best show up, or I will haunt you for all eternity from beyond the grave.

I will make really irritating sounds from your attic for the rest of your days. Not, like, irritating enough to go investigate or do something about, just irritating enough to bug and distract you when you're trying to do other things, sort of like a leaky faucet that keeps you up at night.

>>29584

Your English is great, friend. Very well-said.

>>28201

Toothache fucking sucks. It HURTS. I got like 3-4 hours sleep last night because it wouldn't stop hurting until the painkillers kicked in.

It only really hurts when I lie down.

I tried to waggle it out, that only made it hurt more. I can't find where it's meant to go back in properly. Can only take one kind of painkillers for it as well; the other sort make me unable to walk the next day.

I've got a dentist appointment for it. In a fucking week. IT HURTS NOW DAMMIT.

Also, headache from glasses being out of date. Had an optician's appointment today, but they cancelled on me citing staff sickness. Rescheduled to next fucking week as well.

Looks like the next week will be painkillers to get some sort of sleep, and energy drinks to stay awake due to the lack of it. Fun.

Dosage says every four hours, though, so I can just keep the packet by my bed and check the time before taking more. Just gotta hope I don't sleep through my alarm again.

I think that tooth is gonna have to go. I'm already missing two on that side, dammit.

>>29596

Only a matter of time before before I get serious dental problems, I only brush once a day and even then I always skip days. I may not care about my life but you'd think I would be smart enough to get off my ass to prevent your brand of suffering.

>>29612

Interesting. I assume your thesis focuses on the positive correlation between the two?

What is the article for? Why are you writing it?

well… lets start the beginning

im depressed as fuck. not suicidal, just sad, mopey and meloncholy all the time. my parents can see im not happy, yet them trying to help is

them suggesting to send me off to a boarding school. yeah, the guy with little to no friends and is socially inept being ripped away from all he has

in his social life and plopped down in some place where he doesnt know any-fucking-one? yeah, wonderful idea. ;-; the only relationships ive had with

grills have failed horribily or ive just fucked them up. the only time im 'happy' is when im under the influence of a chemical. whether its dmt, thc or dopamine,

thats what only seems to get me happy… but for a short time though. music releases dopamine from the brain, but that amount only lets me actually live correctly.

anything i do, whether its typing this out or working on homework, i need something to listen to so i can actually focus and not feel like shit all the time. not

to mention, but im alone love and relationship-wise… i kinda opened up about that on an online forum, but some friendgot fucking made fun of me about it. i dont really wanna talk about that…

the only friends i have are a couple (3) irl friends and a handfull of online ones. i even made a skype group to talk to more people and get new friends, which has worked.

im just lonely and depressed /kind/… ;-;

>>29595

To start off, you are not alone. I feel the same, and I've lost half a decade of my life due to this bullshit. Have a hug, friend.

Now, first things first, what are your hobbies? Magic can be picked up for some 100 dollars to play in paper, and is an amazing way to make some friends. It also appeals to most people who would be posting here. Another option is tabletop and RPG groups. Boardgames are easier because you do not really need to be that good in role playing like, obviously, RPG, but roleplaying is a natural progression.

What I urge you to do is to just set yourself a goal. ONE goal. Does not need to be an enormous goal, something as simple as "I'm writing X words a day, whatever the subject". Get yourself a calendar and a marker and just mark when you complete the task for the day, soon just looking at the huge streak of productivity will motivate you, until it turns into a habit. Rinse and repeat. For me it is currently learning X Japanese kanji a day and not skipping my psychiatrist. Then, hit the gym with my live-in cousin and sister. Once I get myself a job, Magic at least once every two weeks. If you need someone to talk to and to motivate and push you, hit me up, I am absolutely willing to help.

Best of luck, friend. I hope for the best, you deserve it.

>>29605

Make it part of your routine.

Personally, I brush at least once daily. This pain is due to an old injury; a couple of bike accidents cracked a metal filling and caused issues, along with the constant stabbing of my jaw from the shattered molar.

I was an idiot as a teenager.

Recently, the tooth that's now hurting got shaken loose at a gig. It settled down again, then got shaken loose at ANOTHER one.

I have now run out of chocolate milk. That was instant pain relief that lasted half an hour. Gonna try regular milk with it tonight so I can sleep; use it to wash down painkillers so I get a nice cushioned pain relief, long enough to sleep.

I'm so fucking tired. I tried to nap, and it started hurting before I dozed off. And the sleep shortage means aches from work built up over the last few days.

I'm super out of shape. I've GOT to hit the exercise again this year, or I'll get fat.

>>29595

I identify with very much of what you're saying except I'm almost 25 with a shitty job and my capacity for learning and remembering things is abysmal. First thing I wanna say to you though is do not give a damn about comparing your fortunes to others. Your problems are yours and that's why they're important and a priority. The way you tell it it sounds like you're capable enough to learn skills or info to help you land a moderately good path depending on what's acceptable to you.

If you have any belief that there's something you can create that is special from you then embrace that. Having the heart of an artist but lacking skill is tough shit I know but hardly anything you like you would consider without flaw right? If you think you're good at learning and writing then maybe focus on keeping your reader's interest by throwing fun details in left and right and take on an edu-taining ride (in all seriousness writing for children even could very well be fulfilling, I sure like that stuff still). Also I've never been one for science (or anything remotely complicated) but you don't gotta be a super whiz to help the developing world around you or see cool new things right?

That all is basically just encouragement to dream but maybe you should elaborate why you feel so doomed to fail and disapoint. What actually is seems to be in your way for a career you think, just the super pressure of higher learning?

Since I'm not good at a damn thing and nothing makes me happy anymore I'm just waiting to die. When I pretty easilly get really bummed I get tired and want to get some sweet sleep but taking naps almost always makes me feel sick. I wish they'd legalize marijuana already so I could be a pothead and giggle and gape the rest of it away (too pussy to get it myself and no friends to ask). Seriously, this world can suck some major dick when pleasant things that make easy money are prevented just to protect old things that are harder to maintain and fuck us ever harder.

>>29724

Do you and similar people on this board here, have history of drug use or something like that? Because I'm 24 and I pretty much stimulated myself away with the Internet entertainment all life. Yet by some miracle I still feel okay.

I have no future because I have no skills and it's possible I will become homeless in my 30s, but right now my dopamine circuits must be somewhat fine because I enjoy things normally. Watching game streams, searching for new songs, listening to songs, eating (healthy) food, browsing the Internet, memes. All these things make me feel life is great. And I talk with another person face to face for 5 hours a week on average. What did you guys do in your life that you're all so depressed and fucked up. I feel like I should know because I'm either steadily heading there, or I'm doing something differently than you, and it's something I'm doing right.

>>29730

No history of drug use and have never smoked or had a significant amount of alcohol. I've always struggled with depression with significant mental disorder and such leaving me with no real reason to protect my self-esteem. If you're suggesting some substance broke me that's probably very well the case but I chalk that up to whatever widespread neglect to populace there is rather than an illicit substance.

What I can gather that is different between at least you and me is that you like people and I don't (though very largely self-loathing). Putting aside that you don't appear to be medically depressive like me you also have the ego to enjoy things (like, say, you don't hate yourself for not being good enough at something even pointless like a video game). As far as my surroundings influencing me I can't say I live a great life but certainly fortunate enough I should be able to power through it and make my own happiness if I were of a capable person in my own right.

It just comes down to me not wanting to have been born and slowly realizing it more and more really.

I'm desperate for love and affection. My family used to abuse me and neglect me and I managed to get out, but now I'm horribly attention seeking and clingy. I need someone with me constantly and I need praise otherwise I'm useless. I desperately want other people to be happy so that they'll like me. I can't even be mean anonymously. I found out that a friend of mine makes hateful comments and it's making me insecure but I don't want to give her up for a friend because people I've managed to be friends with eventually leave me or forget me.

Even when I was in the hospital with a leukemia scare, not one of them came to see me or cared, they made excuses.. I feel like it's too late for me to make new friends because of how alone I am. I genuinely feel like if I died, no one would really care or be unhappy. Not that I want them to be unhappy, but I really wish someone would just hang out with me and watch movies and do hobbies together.

>>29730

No, no history of subsance use/abuse. I just hate my life, and they'd only make it worse.

>>29736

I can relate to you, friend.

>hate myself for being bad at stupid things like video games, and not able to enjoy them because I'm so bad

in addition to

>feeling guilt over wasting time consuming media

>also guilt for eating and wasting precious resources in general, but I stuff myself because fullness is comforting

>spending my worthless time trying to do productive things, but in the end it's futile because I'm not capable of anything

>fail at things but continue attempting them half-heartedly because if I know I can't complete them, and if I fail I'm correct about it all

I'm a broken person, and I wish I hadn't been born. I'm a waste of resources. Please, someone else should be in my program at uni, someone else would train this body, someone else would make something of this mind. Someone else might actually be capable of happiness. By existing, I am taking away opportunities away from people who deserve them more than I do.

I am literally physically broken. My parents had me circumcised at birth. Others may not have a problem, and some may even prefer it that way, but I am deeply and incredibly hurt by it. It's an outward sign to remind me of the fate I'm destined to live out. I am doomed to long for things that I am not capable of feeling, both physically and emotionally.

I don't have any friends. People aren't allowed to like me. I'm /kind/ to a fault to people, often at my own expense, because they're more worthy of life than I am. I gave a homeless man $40 before, I figured that he'd atleast enjoy the drugs/alcohol he'd use it on. I could go without groceries for the week.

>>29863

If you're so kind to a fault there's so uses there.~

In all seriousness why is it that you feel people "aren't allowed to like you"? -because you push them away with negativity? -because you don't feel you have peers or a place in the world?

Circumcision depression seems more widespread than you'd think.

>>29863

>>29736

Anon who asked whether you had history of drug use here.

I can relate to your mindset, but only at times. There are periods of time when I feel exactly like you, but it's never too long. Something changes in my perception eventually. For example, the realization I have a free month. The idea that I can NEET for a whole month comes with a deep sense of appreciation for the world. I'm so grateful and happy that I experience burst of positivity and/or productivity or at least comfortable indifference.

I suspect I'm even more or just as useless in life and bad at games etc. as you, but chemicals in my brain are different, and therefore I'm not depressed as often/as much.

Another trigger that makes me feel down the next day is masturbation. I think it's somewhat fair: I either have very slight good feel buzz the whole day, or feel really great for 10 minutes.

I just wanted to say that I really respect your struggles.My mood fluctuates like that and I'm extremely prone to being pushed by some chemical changes. It's also the reason why I talk about all of this, I try to understand it because I'm absolutely horrified of depression. I avoid unhealthy things and always sleep 8 hours no matter what because I believe depression is the worst thing that can happen to a human. It's where my respect for your struggle comes from. If I ever happen to have more money than the little I need for rent and food, I'll spend it on some fund to help research depression

>>29863 same friend

>>29864

I tend to act like I'm perfect around others, so they don't get to see that I have issues. I end up pushing people away so they don't find the real me underneath.

I do have peers they're all just so different than me. I feel like a child around them in any scenario.

thanks friend. I can't share stuff like that in person

>>29865

I don't have the luxury of such freedoms. My program in uni has me in class all year round in addition to taking a heavier course load than normal because I did nothing in HSwith a week's break between terms. That week always stresses me because I'll usually have things to prepare for the next clases.

I agree that perception can help. I'll have fleeting feelings that it'll be alright, but they don't last long once the dread begins to set in.

Masturbation is alright. I've found my drive decreasing because I think too much about my condition and I let it turn me off. I think I'm more productive when waiting until the weekend or late at night before bed.

I'd like to be healthy, and I think it would help, but I've got no drive to do it. I wish I wasn't such a glutton in the past so I'd have a better platform to start from.

[spoiler]thanks friend for giving a fuck about my troubles. let's hope someone replies to mine this time.

[/spoiler]

im lonely. and depressed. and anxious and paranoid and a handful of other mental fuck ups. my ADD fucks around with my schoolwork, which makes me feel like shit when i can't concentrate on easy homework. im not stupid, i can figure out problems (when its enjoyable or i get something out of it) by myself. my dropping grades and stacking tower of homework definitely doesn't help with my depression or anxiety. not to mention when your siblings catch ear and call you a 'worthless degenerate' that really doesn't make you feel great either. i started the /kind/ skype group with the idea of meeting new friends, which has worked, but i still feel empty and lonely inside. recently i made a judgement and kicked a user for a day, creating a fuck ton of backlash. that pretty fucking hurt. it wasn't the 'fuck you maiki he should have stayed' that hurt, it was the fucking paragraph and a half from an irl friend in there saying that he didn't trust my judgement and wanted to go off and create his own group with him in charge. i don't have much really. i have the skype group, my laptop and a handful of irl friends. so when one of those becomes at risk of being taken away from me, i just feel like wanting to run off or crawl into a hole.

i feel worthless, lonely and not cared

about much.

Alright, here goes.

My gf of 5 years is now extremely distant to me and we rarely talk. We managed to avoid breaking up just barely, and still technically are together now. It really doesn't feel like it. We used to talk every day, and try to be cute with one another, nowadays I'm lucky to get generic conversation and have to press to get any sort of affection, so it feels forced as fuck everytime.

Worst part is this happened after coming home from being with her for 2 months. Go figure.

I've been living with constant anxiety since the spat, and all through this is killing me. Some days I want to just break down and cry, other days I don't care, some is mixed between both. Have had to leave work and return home in some instances to save myself not just slumping aside and crying. Said spat was 3+ months ago, and it's still killing me. I don't know what to do anymore, and can't muster enjoyment out of anything, everything is just something 'to keep my mind off thinking about it all' rather than for my own happiness.

Don't have anything really in the way of friends either, and am extremely inept/anxious to fuck in social situations, so means new friends are extremely rare to come by. Just work, come home, play videogames blankly, go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. Have projects I make up here and there because they seem interesting, but eventually finish and drop them soon after.

For note, we were meant to be married and live together by now. Had a whole life planned and it all went to shit.

>>30191

They're obviously lying, there's hope though as some will eventually actually stop giving a fuck after realizing it does nothing after you vent enough times. After that they either shut up and accept it or slowly towards improvement. Those who don't get past this stage are the dumbest ones, im thinking of /r9k/ right now.

>>28201

>>28203

There is an intrinsic meaning to life and it is to propagate the species.

>>30207

Well sure but putting aside how in a strictly nature-oriented sense our species was a mistake (unless nature's plan was for us to destroy the world anyway) this life by such cheap value and rules is no way to live for weak people (or most strong people even). I don't expect anything good at all to come of seeing it all through but as I wait it out with my idiot genes I hope beyond hope that I get to go to a cooler world as a prettier identity (but not like any crappy religion I've heard of).

>>30191

Maybe I don't so much know that feeling of supreme apathy or whatever you envision for that statement/concept but I think there's a good number of facets or variables to it I think. Using the example of not exercising to better your appearance it's easy to not think it's important or that it's meaningless because of how you accept your appearance or a lack of appreciation for the game of physical attraction. Putting aside no motivation to make your body better life in modern society is already an amazing grind and who has the patience? Beyond any kind of reasoning, stubborn emotions or a lack of energy you're asking "Do people literally not care about what they say they do?" and "Of you don't care about something then why keep talking about that subject?" right? I think it's probably rare to reach a state you remove it as a factor you appreciate but to lack something is a problem in itself which is provides that separate issue. Taking it not so literally it would be much the same thing except instead it's an extreme defeated feeling or a clashing of importances and non-importances leaving you empty of just upset. I guess.

People just wanna dump their feelings and discomforts, I ended up starting this thread because of it.

>>30209

Shit, sorry for the typos. It's hard to check my writing like this.

>>30133

> not to mention when your siblings catch ear and call you a 'worthless degenerate' that really doesn't make you feel great either

Wow you've got some shithead siblings Maiki. As for your problem with your friend (pretty surprised to hear a friend you know face-to-face wants to talk via a /kind/ thing by the way) he sounds a a good deal shitty too for trying to divide people against and away from you, taking something obviously of some importance to you and being harsh about your judgement for one mistake. Here's hoping you can smooth things over.

I need legitimate psychological help, I've been having awful thoughts that, on retrospect, and so fucking harmful to myself but I can't stop myself from thinking them. I strike myself with the palm of my wrist until my forehead goes red when I get stressed, and I get stressed extremely easily. I have an easy job but sometimes I still have panic attacks while I'm there. My body constantly feels aches and pains, I never feel relaxed anymore because I constantly hurt. I have extremely low self-esteem and hate literally every aspect of myself and the things I do but I don't want to kill myself because I don't want to put my family through the trouble of dealing with my death. I'm just a parasite, a burden on society, and as much as I want to change I don't know if I can, I don't think I'm strong enough, I don't think I'm a good enough person to ever be able to be anything but what I am – a pathetic, disgusting, insult to the very act of living.

>>30282

>>30292

>>30295

I don't blame it for any of how screwed up I am but I'd call myself a good deal effeminate as well and my mother was the one who primarilly looked out for me and is the guardian who I liked best. I recall that back when I was maybe 10 or so I had a fantasy of sorts (something I repressed a bit rather than enjoyed to be more precise) of somehow getting stuck in my female cousin's underwear or something. This kind of thing was alongside more commonplace fetishy thoughts like bathing scenarios. Also when I was five I wanted a "Tatoodles" doll for Christmas. -which I got embarrassed about actually getting and let it get buried away for like nine years. Needless to say I was drawn to pretty girl outfits and such but it wasn't until a few years ago I got around to admitting it to myself. To say I thought that my mom influenced me too much this way wouldn't be too accurate I don't think though. I've always been emotional and all-around weak (and by extension dependant) so maybe I just felt inclined to fall into being a sissy or something.

I care too much about strangers.

Every day I wake up with the thought of how many people are still suffering to this day.

I want to help but the least I can do is donate a dollar their way and be around for them whenever they feel down.

Sometimes this drains me to pounding headaches and forgetting to take care of myself (like eating, I'm skinny as hell and my doctor tells me I should eat more).

I resent anyone that gives me any kind of attention when I feel down - I lock up and respond with one word, even though I appreciate it in the end.

I want to open up, but it feels bad. I find it cringy and humiliating. I've been offered to roleplay recently to make myself feel better, but I denied - I'm terrified at the thought of someone reading them and turning it into a laughing stock.

I have wishes of expressing myself but I can't bring myself to do it. It feels like the only way I'll ever get over this is by being with someone and letting them tease me till I break, even though I want to slowly open up and believe there's multiple ways of solving this and that first method is just another easy way.

I have crushes on so many people and want to get into a relationship, but I'm afraid I'll become dependant on it that I'll become clingy turning it into a common problem.

also i like adding jokes at the end of every post i make and sometimes people think im shitposting when i do that. phhhh.

i just find this stuff kind of silly sometimes and want to say fuck it, let's have fun but then id be throwing my responsibilities away.

ty for reading this.

Have you written pessimistic or Lovecraftian stories or tried videogames? It helps me tune out the world.

>>30350

If you find that you have someone online who would hear you out and help you come out of this shell of yours (that can be me if you really want but I'm not great at talking I think) then you should walk into it not expecting outright negativity. I'm not so sure where "teasing you till you break" would lead but I'd not go into things expecting that. Maybe you're just comfortable thinking that because you want to make messing up feel safe (despite that roleplaying fear you mentioned) but it doesn't have to be all or nothing, you can put up with a good dose of teasing or whatever else but still expect an overall person-to-person respect. -and I know it's redundant of me to say so but if at all possible you gotta just find a way to not worry so much. As someone who likes to joke around as well as someone who posted in this thread I'm sure you can appreciate that life isn't always terribly pleasant and some supplementing of niceness or turning things around is necesary. I'll not argue how much concern you should have for the things you do but being comfortable focusing on your own well-being, comfort or just happiness and setting the world aside is only natural. If you truly want to impact people, share love with people too, you can't leave yourself out as you are in fact one of everyone in this world.

I know it all isn't simple (here I am just sort of stringing these ideas as I go) but good luck finding your way Friend. Eat a sandwich before you forget ya dingus.

Is there a way I can shut off my feelings /kind/? I mean if I'm a genetic loser who can't do anything and the world doesn't do much besides jab inadequacey and shame into my husk of a brain and soul then why do I continue on? It's just a stupid hope that more feel-good events will happen to me and by some miracle life gets to a point where I can say it doesn't suck anymore. -which it won't plain and simple. I want to be the robot I'm expected to be if it means I have to live just to get sad. I don't want to someday get suicidal and be a curse and have everyone else be a curse if I fail. I'm weak and hate it and just want to beg a god I don't believe in to make it all right, to hide me away from it all and tell me it's okay. I know I'm pathetic, I know people overall yearn for the meaning of life and my being pathetic isn't even interesting. Just fuck man…

>>29605

Wasn't even a 'lack of brushing' issue. Half my teeth on that side got smashed when I was a teenager due to a bike accident or two.

Then the wisdom tooth got shaken loose at a gig, and got an abcess and rotted.

20% chance of saving it at great expense, so I just had it yanked. No pain since, except for aching when I have to dig food out the still-healing hole.

>>30819

>it also feels good; good in a way that I feel that this is exactly what I deserve.

I can never understand how people can feel that. Do you envision a force at work judging your existence for you? Is that just what coming to a full acceptance of your negative feelings feels like? Maybe even just a thrill of walking through life on your own tightrope?

What do you think makes you feel so bad if you could point to anything Friend? A low self-image? Does everything just feel cheap anymore for whatever reason? Do you maybe want to share how that attempt to crawl out of it went?

>>30821

I guess I just hate myself and my life so much that I'm actually starting to find solace in suffering.

I don't know, it's hard for me to explain too.

And as much as I want to say I have came into full acceptance to my life, I'm afraid that's not the case; otherwise I won't be so sad all the time. No, I hate it, and it makes me feel worse whenever I thought of how much it could've been better if I did things just a bit differently back then.

I attempted to crawl out by trying to stop caring about anything; whatever happens, happens. When bad things happen, I just shrug it off and not let it bother me. But all I did was dull myself by blocking my emotions, and there was only so much I can take before I break, and I inevitably broke.

>what kind of problems?

Workload problems, people problems, friends problems, love problems, mental problems. I'm thankful I at least don't have money problems.

>>30824

Maybe it's just become so familiar it comes off as strangely good then?

So it's things just constantly going wrong or being out of your control huh? I mean you're saying you wanna die or magically sleep forever or whatnot. Is there no path you can see that you can leap towards with that apparently decent amount of money you've got? Are you pursuing something now you don't want to leave (would this workload happen to be college-related?)?

I've done a rather significant amount of this thread's bitching and as such it wouldn't surprise anyone that I think about dying all the time. When I do get to start thinking about it for real I get very anxious and then scared though. I think the explanation for it is that with my life I never make any decision to control it and to die is a pretty significant thing to choose. I can't even comprehend what the decision means though, everything in my life is cloudy and so to dive into it I think I'd be twice as anguished as if I lead a functioning life (though I guess that's bullcrap, other people actually have precious things to leave behind). This (for lack of a better word "nagging") feeling feels like it's driving at me stronger over time maybe but I can't say when life is such a standstill to a tremendous dimwit like me. -so I'm scared. I guess I remember being scared a lot when I was young too and this uncertainty is pretty familiar I think. I'm scared of when I'll lose myself and just as scared of how people would treat me if they knew and how society would try and trap me and steal any kind of decision I could ever make. I much dislike the frequent question of how I'm feeling or "What's wrong?", it's just provacation of breaking in a way I can never allow because it's unsafe to anyone involved's relative peace, especially mine.

-so as a disclaimer, no I'm not about to go to sleep but you'd be a shithead to tattle if I was.

I'm a very happy person with only the best intentions. I've made many people smile and impacted their lives, some in ways I never realized until they told me. I would never describe myself as sad, suicidal or depressed. There's just too much to focus on to be negative and my life is actually going great in terms of career because I'm actively chasing my dreams.

But I'm indifferent, and that's been something I've never quite figured out. I broke up with an incredible young woman who was sweet and I knew was going to be good to me because after a while I just got numb. A part of me even started to see her as annoying and in the way, even though she would've understood if I just told her I needed time because I did that before.

It's not just love. If an argument or fight were to happe I could instantly leave a friend and block him or her everywhere, and about a half-hour later I'd completely forget about them and what happened. I hate to say it, but I think I'm a monster in this sense because I just don't seem to care about the other side much, that I'm looking out for myself much more than I should be.

I don't think anyone would be able to solve something recurrent like that in one simple post among so many others that deserve a lot more attention than mine. I'm not expecting that. But I could never tell these things to my friends. As heartless as I could be a part of me still tries to have some perspective, and I know they'd be very hurt if they heard that.

It's my birthday today and I feel like shit. Every year my life only get worse than it already was instead of better.

Can't cool down inside and I laugh at the thought of venturing outside. Very easy to lie down and be a useless sack of shit in these conditions. It will of course get hotter though. Hate heat so much, if I lose my fan I wonder if that will lead me down the path to really losing my mind.

>>30853

Happy (belated) birthday, anon! Mine is coming up at some point and I'll feel even more pressured that I haven't done anything significant with my life.

But just try to use those frustrations as a jumping off point to set meaningful goals.

>>30939

He wouldn't have known. I usually kept my working conditions vague. I didn't like complaining about it because he was working two jobs as well and it would feel really petty on my part to whine about it.

>>30870

That's pretty cool!

>>31059

I appreciate you trying. I won't lie and say any of that would have made sense to me in your shoes – I am, after all, speaking with the benefit of hindsight.

If anything, actually, I still feel, from time to time, that I missed out on what I might call a "quintessential youth experience", having not done most of that. It doesn't bother me though, because there are plenty of analogues.

For instance, although I missed being "grouped up with people around my age" and working together to "achieve almost the same thing" in school, at work just recently, we sold a big important job that needed to be manufactured and shipped in a rush, so we all traded in out office white collars for some production coveralls. Every person in the company went back to build this job. It ended with a bunch of beer and pizza in the kitchen. It was a good time. Gratifying, too.

I spend a lot of days looking at porn but get little sexual gratification, can't even get erect anymore. Some research says most impotence can be cured by treating yourself better but that's why I distract myself with porn in the first place, I hate myself and can't stand trying to do anything because I'm totally inept and unfit. My poor mental capacity and unattractiveness is upsetting enough for imagining (or rather failing to adequately imagine) things and that defeatedness may have sealed the deal for me not getting off. I really ought not to live when I'm such a genetic fuck-up and I can't even pretend right but any such ambition is emptier than my dick even though I think of dying roughly as much as lewd stuff.

>>31172

I assumed it was a subtle mind fuckery bully troll type ad, but i tend to over think things so I could be wrong.

>>31173

Mindfuckery bullshit or otherwise, it's nonetheless true. which makes the mopey thread the best place to put it

>>31178

>it's nonetheless true

Depends on who you are, and your belief system, really. Value is subjective. For some even time is meaningless/worthless.

>Don't smoke, drink, do drugs, have a facebook, watch TV or go to restaurants

>Constantly feel like a social reject because I don't do any of the above and never really fit in

>Want to be a qt trap and have the looks to pull it off

>Been slowly balding since I was a teen

Why must we sad, /kind/?

>>31257

>Been slowly balding since I was a teen

This could be from excessive stress or excessive fapping.

>>31258

It's probably both and it runs in the family

i started balding in my teens and was/am a chronic fapper and also had a lot of stress around that time.

I'm bald as fuck now.

>>31307

At the moment my plan is to finish the course I took to get out of my NEET life and then get a job to buy finasteride. I'm not going to give up on being a trap before I even get the chance to

>feel like shit

>can't do anything because I feel like shit

>feel like shit because I've done nothing

and the cycle continues.

So I guess I could start out with some things about me.

I'm apparently smart. I don't doubt it, really, it's just that no proof has actually been shown that I am. I was tested at one point or another back when I was a kid (7-8 maybe), but I was never given a straight answer from my parents on the test results.

I'm obstructive, and very, very good at it. Don't want my parents to notice

my crippling depression? Just fake a smile and seem happy. Parents want to know where I was most of the day? I was out riding my bike, getting some exercise

Surprise, I'm a social outcast. No one wants to be friends with a guy who will tell you why you shouldn't use this and how this could get compromised or how that spies on you and whatnot. No one in the real world interacts like that, mostly because the world isn't fucking /tech/.

My hobbies include learning about technology, fucking around with Linux, programming in C# (shittily), learning new programming languages and trying to not be a social outcast.

Now let's go over to why I'm here, the mope part.

I'm lonely. I have some friends, but usually they're off doing something else or avoiding me. Recently, someone had a crush on me (or still does). It's this cute guy that I met online though (yes I'm bi and I like dick). Guy lives in another fucking country, of course. Now you might be thinking: "well why don't you have a long distance relationship?".

No.

Lemme back it up a couple months to where I had a long distance relationship. No, no, no. Before I even had started a relationship with her. I was talking to one of- you know what, fuck it. This name will for sure get traced back to me some fucking how but it doesn't matter. I was talking to one of Blanket's friends about her last long distance relationship, which apparently had ended with her leaving him, due to him apparently not giving her not enough attention. I was a little hesitant at that point, since I didn't want shit to end like that, but her friend pushed me on. So we started this little clusterfuck known as a long distance relationship and things went well. Calls with each of us being up 'till 5 am, confessing dirty fantasies and fetishes, the generic shit. Life was good, we were happy and it was going well. At around our one month "anniversary" or whatever you'd like to call it, I was talking to a friend irl who I also know online (one person I know who's into the same shit as me) about it and he just said "hey man it's gonna end eventually.". Me being an arrogant prick at the time, said whatever and didn't take his advice.

Fast forward to a month and a half. I want out. She's unstable, psychotic and wants to have children with me. Never stick your cyber dick in crazy, kids. But, I stay, for some odd reason. I can't really put a finger on why I stayed, but it probably was the mixture of it being my first "relationship" with a girl and the misconceived idea she would eventually come halfway across the country and give me the succ.

So it's at almost two months. Literally New Year's Eve. We talk a little and she decides to go to sleep. I stay awake and decide to talk to her ex. I don't really remember the convo word for word, but it went along the path of me asking if she did any of that shit and him telling me to get the fuck out of there. I proceed to then have a mental fucking break down at one am in the morning on New Years. I violently tell her I'm leaving her and explain why then block her.

Then the emotional part starts to set in when I've realize what I've done.

I'll skip all the depression and bullshit so we can get back to the guy who has a crush on me.

TL;DR: LDR ONLINE WENT FUCKING HAYWIRE, 0/10 WOULD NOT DO AGAIN EVER.

Anyways, I'm not going to get in a LDR with this guy. He's cute and I like him (I've seen pictures, I'm not fucking crazy), but I'm not going to get into a relationship with him. It wouldn't work and would just eventually end up with the story being posted in the mope thread.

I'm just lonely and need some affection honestly.

But here's the worst part:

I want to have little fling with him but I know it will just end badly for both of us.

Today this piece of shit guy (very likely impersonating a cop) showed off his police patch in all black asked "if i wanted to buy something".

I wasn't even 20ft from the store and i got his attention. First he showed off his patch and then asked the question and followed me in and out of the store.

I found a cop and told him, he said asking to buy "something" wasn't "wrong", but him following me in and out of the store was. The cop drove to the store, but i don't know if he got him.

The one taboo i have about pranks is people impersonating a cop. I don't know if this asshole is corrupt cop or a comical millennials, he could be raping someone while looking like cop. Corrupt police aren't funny they can legally ruin your life or rape your family, that's fucking scary.

>>31640

Did a cop rape your family, anon?

I miss lying about my gender and being a perfect person for my exbf to enjoy. I hate being male and being stuck with myself for other people in real relationships. I just hate myself and gender trolling was too much of a good way to escape this decided world where i'm of lowest teir race, height and gender.

My sister is the perfect woman with my exact face. Shes perfect, why couldn't i be perfect. i hate being alone.

>>31693

Why so bully anon?

I wish I had less retarded friends.

>>31693

You probably don't care, but race doesn't matter as much when your attraction comes from being feminine/physique, then your class/race doesn't matter.

but you're right, my logic was contradictive.

>>31712

How are they retarded?

>>31712

We are to be enemies then. I do hope you understand and our mutual ill-feelings can be civil though.

>>31692

So you've got your perfect sister's face but can't trap irl?

I’ve become so angry and miserable at the world. I hate everybody. I used to be much more tolerant towards the bullshit, but all the sudden I can’t contain it anymore. It makes me angry seeing such endless idiocy, I’m no longer able to just sit by and watch it go on with itself.

All I want is to vent, to scream into the void, but people would just belittle me with the obvious, like I’m a fucking idiot. And you know what? I appreciate it to an extent. I don’t mind the advice in of itself, but they just share it in the most condescending, assumptions, and snarky way possible.

I hate these fucking idiots, I hate, hate, hate them. And I can’t call them out for it, I can’t say what’s wrong or what I think about them. That’s “rude,” and yeah it is. I don’t deny it. But at least I’m direct and clear with my intentions. I wouldn’t be bothered if you just directly called me out as an ass. You should have a right to that, I believe.

I don’t attack people unprovoked, but I am simply unable to just let someone talk down to me like that. These fucking idiots who think they know best, so ready to shoot me up with their home made remedies. But not a fucking one of them even has a grasp on what the ailment is in the first place.

I overreacted, fine, I can fess up to that, but not a one of them could even be assed to try and understand. They’d rather dog pile me. Slap my wrists repeatedly. And that’s fine, call me out for my shit, that’s ok. But for fuck sakes, a few harsh words doesn’t suddenly diminish my point. No, I’m just a villain feigning as the victim. Woe is me for expressing what I feel, woe is me for being direct with what I think. It’s all as black and white as can be. Always.

>>32915

I think if you'd change the basis of your attitude everything can change for the better slowly. As soon as you realise how many times you yourself have trespassed, made people feel miserable and harmed them, you'd become more humble. This humbleness could wash away your sense of entitlement to a certain treatment you believe to deserve, and therefore be a first step to set you free. Because at the moment, you seem little more than a slave to your anger and wrath.

>>33181

I hate hearing people call themselves worthless simply because they're neets or virgins. So long as you aren't evil you should feel satisfied with yourself. You gave it your best shot and didn't purposely hurt others when it would have benefited you. That's a lot more than what other people can say.

>>33182

I live in Massachusetts; I won't say where in other than I don't live in Boston. For careers, I know I would be moving from my parents' house. Probably go back to where I was born in Virginia; simply more opportunities there. That said, there are more general jobs that I am applying for. But when you don't hear back from any of them it's rough. I did have an interview with a frozen yogurt place, though that was 3 weeks ago. I've gone in and asked several times about status, but now they might have an answer next week. The further I wait, the more pessimistic I get.

I'd like to feel that I am appropriate these jobs. As for entrepreneurship I have no business experience, and I would not know where to start.

>>33184

The worthlessness comes from the fact that while I might be trying my best it feels like my best isn't needed. I don't want to hurt anyone at all though; there's nothing to be gained from it.

>>33185

I get you're playing devil's advocate, but honestly that isn't helping.

>>33181

If you have no work experience, you can't distinguish yourself from an illegal immigrant that will do unskilled labor for a buck an hour. When a company says you don't meet minimum qualifications, they most likely mean to be paid an actual minimum wage. A BA isn't going to help you there.

What kind of graphic designer are you? There are things you can do to get "experience" that don't depend on the kindness of strangers. You could build up an online portfolio, or head over to /agdg/ and one-man-army a game, for example. If you're just going to program a VN or something, you can learn the code involved in like a day. And that's something that can go on a resume.

AAGHGHGHASFPHADSF EAEPH IFPEQWRFjR[T

OWE1

Sorry I haven't replied in a while.

>>33197

>If you have no work experience, you can't distinguish yourself from an illegal immigrant that will do unskilled labor for a buck an hour. When a company says you don't meet minimum qualifications, they most likely mean to be paid an actual minimum wage. A BA isn't going to help you there.

I am willing to work for minimum wage really. At this point anything on my resume will help, just because I will have something.

For graphic design, I just wish there was something I can get in. Internships here for the most part don't pay and very few are willing to take on graduate students. Junior level positions very rarely will take grads, especially if they don't have multiple years of experience within a certain type of environment. There are a few places that are doing graphic things that I am looking at though, so I am hoping something comes up there.

I did have an interview with a second grocery store though. It went well, but I didn't hear from them for a week; turns out they filled it in without calling me. Found out when I visited the store myself.

I hate to say this but I am getting numb from this.

>>33453

♥♥

The most upsetting thing is that rainy days are never as nice in real life as they are in Animal Crossing. I want a rainy day that video games and movies have promised me, instead of the ones that I actually get.

Oh wait, this wasn't mopey at all.

>>33499

As long as you're not fat it should be ok, if you still get your vitamins (juice, fruits etc)

Do you dislike all veggies? Potatos?

>>33506

i can eat carrots, cucumbers, raw spinach and salad.

fruits and juice i have no problem with whatsoever. i also take vitamin pills

>>28201

I’ve been slowly starting to realize what a bitter and jealous sourpuss I am. It’s something I’d want to say started about a year ago, and it’s only gotten worse as time has gone on.

I remember a time I wanted to make people happy, to spread joy and leave a good impression on other people’s lives. And for a while I did. But…, something changed inside me…, for seemingly no reason. I’ve become more prone to anger as of late. I lash out at others in an overtly aggressive manner. I always feel like people are talking down to me, or thinking less of me.

I’m horribly petty on top of it. Sometimes I feel an urge to stir up shit and create drama, all for the sake of some attention. Or so I theorize. I’m self-aware of these faults, which makes it all the more frustrating when I see my negative emotions constantly come out on top.

I consider myself a creative person. I enjoy writing, have taken up drawing, and constantly dream of seeing all the ideas in my head come to fruition. But recently I’ve come to the conclusion that I create solely as a means of seeking validation for myself. Nothing I do feels like it’s for me anymore. It all just seems like an attempt at filling some vaguely defined hole.

When people don’t give me any sort of reaction to my works, I internally flip my shit. Like, I sort of reach this never-ending pit futility. Where none of it matters. And I’m a damn fool for wasting my life on this shit.

Creating used to make me so happy and fulfilled…, it was all I had to keep my chin up. Now it embodies nothing but spite and self-loathing. What’s there left?

I have to constantly escape through media, movies, music, anime, ect. Anything to get my head away from lingering solely on myself. My brain is like my stomach, if I don’t give it something to chew on it starts to eat away at itsself.

I’ve turned all of my friends into crutches, relying on them entirely for my emotional support. If I’m down and have no one available, I start to feel abandoned and forgotten. Not that anyone did anything wrong, this is all in my own head. And yet, to know what’s eating me up and still tp have had no success fixing the issues only manages to dig me deeper into my own pit.

A part of me wants to get rid of them all, just to say fuck it and delete every single last one of them. And for what?… Why do I want to take such a drastic measure? Especially at the cost of other people’s emotions. That’s not fair…

I just want to belong. I just want to be a part of something positive. But I guess, I just wasn’t meant to be. Reckon I’m just broken. Another dime-a-dozen, bargin bin, piece of trash.

>>33526

I know this all too well.

>>33806

good luck!

… But how do you know it will be a failure?

>>33810

Yeah, I'm not certain I will fail. I'm just noticing a trend of nothing but failure.

>>33869

Don't do ordinary college. Its filled with so much useless artsy ideological garbage and its forced upon you. If you hate school/ don't want to waste excessive money, go to a technical/trade college. Get relevant certification or diploma. A diploma can be earned in as little as 1 - 2 years. A certificate can take you as little as 2-8 months.

I'd recommend PLC, DCS, electromechanical or robotics programming technician. Everything is becoming automated. So the welder meme will be automated away soon.

If you live in burger land, the navy/army/marines is dangerous to your health and limbs. If you live in a peaceful country like mapleland, its not a bad idea to try the military route if tech college route fails.

Whatever you do, I wish you success and future employment.

>>34026

Hey there friend.

I think I understand how you feel - Life can feel very empty if it's never "fought" for. That's not to say you should go out and live on the streets, or fistfight someone over a sandwich full disclosure, I've had to do both these things. Not my proudest days but maybe you can find a hobby that brings a bead of sweat to your brow, like woodworking, or building models?

Something that you can hold at the end of the day and say "I made that".

I knew a guy in school who built and flipped cars on Craigslist. He'd buy some broken-down POS, fix it up, and sell it for almost triple sometimes. He made money and always felt good about the time he spent.

I am a monster of a person. I will never be happy. That's all.

>>34150

Find another monster; if you can handle it.

I want to kill myself but given how most of the means of doing so are not 100% and I'm a wuss, I can't do it.

Whilst can forget it somedays, the hopelessness is still there. What's the point.

>>34240

Try unity development.

I can't get a job so I'm trying something. There is s lot of documentation. Maybe you'll like it. Maybe it will be a fulfilling hobby

>>34241

As in the game engine? I hate Unity. It's probably not even the engines fault, but nothing made with it looks remotely good, and it's a shovelware engine. Sonic 2006 remake in it looked 'okay'.

>>34243

Yea the game engine. I'm a complete noob. But I have an idea for a top down, 2D game. I'm unemployed so I might as well try to do something productive. I just picked unity because based on what I've read on internet forums its the easiest to use. Its also probably why there is all the shovelware garbage on it. I'm half way thru my 2nd tutorial/game. My biggest irk is that they made the vertical axis Y instead of Z. This bothers me greatly. I guess it won't be an issue once I start the 2d tutorials though

Having a goal, of any kind, and having work to do does wonder for the mind. I'm not happy or anything like that but I do feel somewhat better that I'm working towards something. Hope you find contentment; be it via meaningful action, inaction or eternal sleep.

Less mopey. I have extreme social anxiety, to the point that if I'm any situation in public by myself, I visibly shake and panic. It's to the point it's almost debilitating to go to work by myself. Because of such issues, I have very few friends which causes me all manners of depression. How would you even fix that?

>>34316

>>34310

>>34311

>>34312

>>34313

In all seriousness though, I hope you feel a little better today.

While not entirely helpful, I can at least briefly share my own story.

To torture a metaphor, my vessel was broken. Whether it was broken by someone else, or if I shattered it into a million shards myself is another conversation altogether, though on the quieter nights like you describe, I'm inclined to believe the latter.

I think, maybe I broke it to protect myself. To remove from my core the threat that anything further can be taken. You probably know my story, I've written it here.

I can see how mad it would be for someone to choose not to own anything for fear of robbery, to sit in a dark room in an empty house, secure in the knowledge you have nothing a criminal might want. So why do I do that in my chest?

In my years, I learned that I can't install a lock on my heart. Perhaps that's my own ailing, perhaps I wasn't hugged enough as a child, perhaps that's part of being on the autism spectrum. I mean that unironically as well, I've a formal diagnosis and everything.

Regardless of the cause, lacking a proper lock and key, my only choice is to live in such a way that I have nothing to take.

I've learned to live with some approximation of happiness by finding joy, or at least fulfillment, in watching others and helping others fill their vessels with love. "I pride myself in being useful" is a phrase I say a lot. Usually, it refers to my knowing a bunch of practical skills or carrying around tools, but it goes deeper than that. I want to help people because that's the closest I can come to helping myself.

i have an ear infection or something. i dont know if thats it exactly, i dont remember ever having one before. it really hurts, this is why babies scream

My only friend killed himself a couple of weeks ago, don't really know how to feel about it since it didn't really affect the course of my life a lot but I do miss talking to him at times.

I wanted to post this because I just want to get it out.

>>34482

Get going, be the older sibling that she never had. Controlling parents can leave a strain in the family that usually causes the opposite of what the parent wants. Just by being their for her will improve her position in life.

I feel I ought to share a little pleasure in my life. I'm not wealthy and only get by with the generousity of my grandpa letting me live in his house. It's sad to not have my own space (moving my mom's junk to give myself room to move around not getting privacy from siblings also trying to escape a worser household). I'm not handsome and am rather dumb, sickly and demotivated to anything. -but I've found a little relief, almost something that cheers me up, despite life not being anything how I like. It's a simple pleasure to just work to do yourself up nice. I struggle to even brush my teeth every day but when I get in the rhythm and add washing my face and special grooming to my daily routine it feels like a labor of love, that I'm at least loving myself to give myself that attention. I know it doesn't make me pretty but it makes me feel better at least, which is better than it sounds.

I hope you all can indulge in some unexpected comfort of your own.

i hope you don't mind if i vent here a little

some people go around saying their life is "a mess". with me i think it's worse, i think my life is a mistake

the first thing you should know is that i wasn't born by mistake: you see, before i was conceived, my parents already had 2 sons. sadly, one of them (which we will call A) died very young, at age 4 from a lung disease , before i even ever met him

this of course had a tremendous impact on my family, i mean, i wasn't around yet to see it, but one can imagine it

and i can observe it still today, in particular in the way i was born. i was born 4 years after A died, which makes it a total of 8 years from the period my parents were having my brothers (they were born at one year of distance from one another) if i was in their plans since the beginning they would have probably made me in that period, instead of 8 years later

basically, what i'm trying to say is that this together with other things such as the fact that i bear A's name as my second name make it quite obvious that i was born as a replacement of A, to fill the void that he left when he died. it does not take a genius to deduce that

now, keeping all of this in mind, let's move on to my life

my life is… well, a disaster. i have failed in literally every field i could fail, and i don't even know where to begin to describe it

i am of course a kissless virgin (not hugless though, i managed to get one when i was 13 and that's the furthest i've ever gone), but by now i hardly even care about it, and because of conditions i'm not even going to waste time explaining, it's fairly certain that i'll never come out of it and i'll always be alone, so let's just leave that aside and move on

i am also a neet and a slacker, and worse than that, a burden. i don't have a job, i failed university, i have no idea what to do. i came to realize some time ago that this is actually the symptom of some greater problem, and that problem is that i have no idea what to do with my life

in all honesty, i have no direction whatsoever. i changed high school (my country has different high school types with different subjects which lead to different job/university leads) like 3 times before i was even legally adult, i was completely lost already back then

after that i failed university, i tried pick up a job at mcdonalds but didn't get it because i acted all autistic at the job interview and that's it, the closest i've ever been to having a job was showing up at my father's shop to give a hand, without doing anything important or remarkable anyway. so there it is, i lack any particular talent or motivation not just to merely find a job, but also to have a direction and generally move on with life. i have no place in the world.

to have a place in the world, that is a very important thing actually. without it you feel like you're not even actually living, you're just there

and to be honest, i don't feel that way only because of the job thing, i can feel it in everyday life and talk, when i interact with other people. well, it's not like i interact with tons of people aside from my parents now, but the few times i do and the many memories i have from school are enough to get a picture

i don't know how to describe it, there are a lot of times i act, how to say, wrong

sometimes it's just little things, like a word of two said out of place, or things i say that don't fit or whatever. many small things, or at least mostly small things, sometimes they are bigger and lead to me being clumsy or cringy (i have a large collection of cringy moments from school in my memories), but let's say many small things put together, which make me feel somewhat out of place, or even worse, they make me feel wrong

and that's why i see my life as a mistake, my life is wrong in some way, that is ultimately what tears me down. it makes me feel like a useless extra to the world, something who shouldn't even be there

and it makes me sorry for my family, who probably conceived and raised me with high hopes for me, hoping to see a redemption for A's loss in me, and instead ended up with what i am now. but that's indeed my ultimate concern: i don't think they should have done that. making me was a mistake

looking at it now, i brought more worries and problems to my family than i ever resolved anything, i went wrong. my birth, my life, my existence was a mistake, they should have found another way to deal with their loss, and i'm terribly sorry for them because of that

my life is a burden both for me and for my parents

it's better if i stop here. there are many other small things which make my life miserable of course, but i think the ones i just exposed are the major ones which bring me down the most

i'm sorry if maybe i sperged out too much, i don't really have many more places to get shit out of my chest like this

>tfw only 30$ left on my bank account

Have mercy on me, Allah.

OP here. It's been quite a while since I've been on this board. As I've said in so many posts I'm quite the simpleton who can't get his affairs in order and I sort of rely on interacting with people online to keep me chugging along Then again I'm so empty that I'll essentially endlessly stare into space until something decides to shake things up and take a shit on my day. -but the point is I crave someone to be there very much whenever I have free time.

I feel it's worth attempting (though sure I'll fail) to explain how I treat relationships. I try and keep how many people I know few because I'm always afraid of how forgetful I am. In addition to that I have a bit of an intense fondness to people I feel have developed some type of importance to me and I want to shower them with my warm feelings. That kind of love might be the only thing that can really drive me in life. The problem is that I know there's pressure from it on the receiving end and the last thing I want to do is hurt people precious to me.

I know full well that everyone has a life and things they do for their own sake and I can't always expect one of ten people to be around the late hours of the night to calm my loneliness and other easilly accumulated (and repeated) feelings. There's surely some sweet spot of a number of people I can devote myself to and I need to reach it. I hope this all doesn't sound incredibly petty, but in the end I just wish to plug my Skype for attention.

Skype:shammyal011

>>34789

I understand the feeling of nothingness in one's self and the spiraling anxiety of the constant reminder that you hate yourself and life. I'm a big old dummy who can't promise much more than an ear but if you have the patience I would like to talk to you, hopefully manage to provide some degree of comfort.

>>35342

Thank you anon, you're very kind, but if I'm being honest things are kind of improving for me. Most of the post still stands, but at least a have something to look forward now, something to get up for.

>>35347

Wanna share? I for one would like to hear things going right for somebody here.

>>35352

I met someone very special to me who's motivating me to fix myself and improve, so that's what's driving me forward, as for now I'm focusing on my physical health and hopefully my mental one will follow, to be honest it already does a bit.

>>35384

You always have a choice in life other than go to sleep. You just have to see it. You can drop all conections with people you know, change a phone number, email, and walk away. Then kitchhike a car to somewhere. Then from wherever it takes you to somewhere further. Repeat for a week and you should be far away and nobody will find you easily. Though leave them a note that you have not died and chose to do this, or you might worry someone.

Finding a new home and job is not hard. Neither is getting to know new people. Though why would you need them.

I will kill myself very soon.

>>35534

Why? Consider watching the stream with us, at least.

>>35536

I can't watch streams.

I still want to kill myself. It's not going away. Nothing good has ever happened to me.

>>35708

Tranny?

>>35709

No.

>>35712

Then that's one really shitty thing that's not happened to you and you can at least try to be glad about this. Have a good day, anon.

I can't sleep. I'm having attacks every night. I'm dying. I start coughing and it intensifies. God it hurts my throat and chest so much. And I can't stop coughing. I cough for hours straight like a dying 90 year old man. From 3 to 5 hours. And then there is all the sneezing and irredimably disturbing itching in all parts of my body during the whole time. There's a point my head starts hurting, it's a terrible headache. I start yelling "help!", "I can't stand this anymore", "what did I do to deserve this?" "heeeelp!!" in extreme agony. I feel like an animal, no more than an irrational, non sentient animal driven by instinct as I desperately beg for it to stop while crying powerlessly. Its so much pain, it's like intense and prolonged torture. The cherry on the cake is how my single mother reacts. Being the loving person she is, she completely ignores me, she doesn't even look at my face, she acts like nothing is happening. At best she'll shout something like "shut up already, friendgot" and then go back to whatever she was doing. I haven't slept in 3 days straight, I haven't had a good sleep in over 10 days and I haven't slept well for an entire week for some 5 years now. I think this experience by itself is a good portrait of my life as a whole.

>>35762

>And I can't stop coughing. I cough for hours straight like a dying 90 year old man.

Sounds like bronchitis, you should see a doctor as soon as possible. If it started recently you can still nip it while it's still acute instead of chronic.

>>35506

Same anon here, just popping in to let you guys know that I'm still of the chans. I feel a little more free.

Decided to kill myself and am on my last days of life. It feels different and at the same time no different from normal. I can't explain this feeling, I mean, knowing you're going to die and you have just a few couple days left of life.

>>35826

How are you going to go about doing it, and what made you finally decide enough is enough? Apathy is strange like that.

>>35826

For me it was huge relief. Unfortunately plans had to change and I'll have to linger for a while. Good luck.

>>35829

What kind of plans kept you from the deep sleep? Must have been pretty important

>>35837

Harsh but I get the feeling I was like that but I had to quit so I could get a decent paying job so now I drink far more which is counterproductive and far more damaging. Still feel the same way I just try to dfisyra f myself with booze. Why do you think you piss people off and what makes you lose contact?

I hate myself. I'm ugly, unsociable, and just plain weird. Ever since I was a kid the idea of being in a relationship made me sad for the other person. My only redeeming quality is my slightly higher than average intelligence, but my siblings have that in addition to being enjoyable people to be around. I feel like I've done nothing but disappoint my father. The only reason I haven't committed suicide is because I don't want to burden my family.

Sorry for the ranting, I'm not good at writing

>>35830

A grieving close family member. Can't force him to endure this again, gonna have to try and endure existence some more myself.

>>35897

Pretty much the same, except no siblings and have plenty of room to disappoint dad even further. In fact that's the reason why I'm going with the peaceful pill instead once I can't take it any more.

>>35917

I appreciate the admin/janitor that moved my post to the relevant thread rather than outright deleting it.

>>35917

If he didn't seem worried and didn't give you special instructions to avoid stress or anything like that, I don't think you're in any danger. I'm sure you've overthinking things, don't worry.

>>35928

I have a very similar thing. You will have an ECG done and they will probably tell you it is nothing but that won't convince you if you're anything like me. I don't really know what to say to help but the chances of having a serious heart issue just randomly manifest if you're relatively young, healthy and not addicted to cocaine are very low. I didn't know this but apparently anxiety can manifest as chest pains so every time I have been to the doctor with chest pains they see I have anxiety and write it off as that, but maybe they're right since it's been going on for a few years now and I'm not dead yet. I don't know if this helped. Good luck friend

>>35928

>>35942-san is most likely right. I have heart issues on my record, but going on ECG-checkups after yet another bout of heavy chest-pains only for them to tell you that it's nothing is pretty disheartening. You should be able to write it off as tiredness, lack of sleep or anxiety. Please try to take it easy!

>>29209

>>29211

Join our Discord server, let's talk! I'll want to give you some advice on those problems

>>35928

Strange, this exact thing has happened to me before.

My heart would randomly skip a beat every once and awhile and i'd get this strong sting feeling in my chest.

Doctors just wrote it off as being in my head, despite me feeling actual pain.

I've managed to go about 4 years just ignoring it, so it's probably nothing serious.

>>35816

Same Anon, relapsed and went on 4/fit/ but I'll be off again.

Having autism is basically being an annoying pile of shit that nobody wants around.

You grow to hate yourself so much because being extremely annoying is just an irremovable part of who you are. You feel disgusted when you see yourself in a mirror. You want to go to sleep partially so the end can stop, partially because you know you'll be doing society a favor. You grow to isolate yourself. Even if someone so extremely kind was to extend his or her hand to help me you would refuse because you know that this person like everyone else who said would understand you is just going to end up telling you the truth. That you are an annoying retard. You're useless. You're worse than a 7 year old. You had a weirdo childhood. You were the clown of the classroom. The one kid even teachers would bully, laugh at, humiliate, make jokes of. You are treated like a subhuman. You are treated like something disgusting. Worse than an animal. Worse than a hobo or a stray dog. You have the most things to say and at the same time is the one with the least people to hear it even if just one fraction of it. Your parents hate you. They gave up on you. You're a disappointment. A waste of time, money, energy. Your father abandoned you and your mother wants to get rid of you because you're no better than a baby who still needs diapers. You couldn't perform a job even if your extreme anxiety let you get one. You ruin the atmosphere. You are inconvient. Unwelcomed. Unwanted. You are the subject of essays, experiments, scientific experiments, even political debates. But just the subject. Far from being really cared about. You are alone. There's nobody that wants to understand you. And even less who wants to help you, comfort you, and so on. Even if God exists, the Bible says it very clearly, that the mentally disabled are not to carry the flame of God or enter the Kingdom of Heaven. So even God sees you as what you are. A little piece of shit. Nothing to you makes sense. It's not like a videogame with clear instructions of where to go, what to do, how to clear the level. Everything is confusing. You don't know where you are. You don't know where to go. You don't know how things should be. You're always lost. With no directions, and nobody to walk you through the storm. And even if there was somewhere to go you couldn't get there. You're weak. You feel physical pain. On your back. Knees. Elbows. Neck. Head. Chest. As you grow older you're hundreds of times more likely than neurotypicals to have cancer, be deaf, blind, have seizures, strokes. The only place you find peace is in imaginary worlds that won't ever exist. At night you just lay in bed. Cry like the 30 years old baby you are as you imagine your ideal life, or what would you do if you were God. Only to then remind yourself. None of that will ever come true. Only to remind yourself that the beautiful planets, cities, cathedrals, life forms, that you build in your own mind, only exist there, and it's not reality, and nobody gives a damn about the tremendous conclusions of physics, math, philosophy, psychology and so on, just from thinking, talking to yourself. Nobody will want to hear them. Because you're just the annoying sperglord. Like since childhood you are the the clown. What is the meaning and purpose of life of autists? Your purpose is to be annoying. Inconvient. To ruin the atmosphere. Your purpose is to be hated for merely existing. To suffer in unimaginable ways. And there is no meaning to it. All the pain is just in vain. As not even God wants anything to do with the worst of the worst.

I feel very bad right now tbh. Like, I have so many things I wanna do but I'm not doing any of them. Instead I'm lurking this board and chatting on Discord. You may wonder "If you wanna do them then why not do them?", and that's a legitimate question,

However I just don't feel like, and that frustrates me a lot. I don't even wanna play games, and that's like my most loved hobby.

And looking for freelancing jobs is hard, I don't like it. But common jobs don't pay good where I live.

It just feels bad, everything. I wish I was born with a better mind, better genetics, in a better country.

God damn it. I hate it, I wanna do all those things but I don't care about them. I don't care about myself, I don't do anything. Ugh. It's just…I dunno since when I've been feeling like this.

And I can't even end it because I'm too sissy for it. Like, I planned to kill myself at 20 but did nothing (I'm 22 now). I've been a NEET for 5 years now and I don't care.

I want to care, but don't feel the need or the energy for it.

Eventually my parents are going to die and I won't have someone to support me anymore. And I don't care, if it happens, it happened, and I die of hunger. The end.

Honestly it's depressing. And I've been going to a psychologist for two years now and nothing has changed.

Well, I'm least I'm going to the gym. But even that it's annoying. Anything that's not procrastinating seems annoying to me. And I hate that.

I really really hate it.

I wish I was a hard worker.

You know, I have a dream to be a trillionaire, but I'm not doing anything for. Because I don't know!, I live in Venezuela where minimum wage is like 10$ a month…but I'm not doing anything to try to earn some $$$ in order to leave. Because I don't know what to do. Jobs don't pay enough.

Everything is just bad, I feel like everything is worthless. I wish I was beaming like I was when I was a kid.

I don't even have a degree. Yeah a High School diploma but I never learned anything in school.

I never applied myself to anything. I wish I could start now but my mind blocks me.

I want to be a writer

I want to be an artist

I want to be a 3D modeler

I want to be a programmer

I want to know japanese

I want to make my own game

I want all of those things and more, yet I'm not doing anything for it. Because I don't feel like it. Everything is emptiness.

It's just sad, really. I'm pathetic. I wish I was better at living. Better at understanding the basics of life like Work = Money. Or something.

But ultimately, I won't do anything about it. Because I really don't care. Don't care about anything.

But I wish I could care. But I don't know where to start. People say baby steps but I'm not even a fetus.

Anyways…I hope someday I'm able to break this loop and get better…

I'm a junior in high school, so please excuse my writing. I've never really been good at it. I've been depressed most of my 17 years alive. I've been feeling a bit better this past year because of meds I was prescribed for depression but I'm off of it, voluntarily, to see how I'm feeling without it. I've been fine up until lately. I've never had any friends in middle school who I'd do things with outside of school. I had some laughs here and there with some kids but no strong friendship bonds. This followed me to high school. I've always been someone who would be nice even if I wasn't in a very happy mood, which was most of the time. I could never make friends in middle or high school. I always try and try, but everyone I try to connect with shuts me down. It's not like I look like a monster or anything with my appearance is horrendous. I try my best everyday to be nice to others, but not so much that I'm kicked around or used. I've been used by some (a lot) of people, and I do my best to avoid it again because it hurts to know you're being used after you've acted so kind to someone. Even though I'm a teenager I've had an emotional/sexual relationship with someone. I first saw this girl at my church's Friday fish fry. she was working in the back but I forget why I was there. She had really dark brown hair, brown eyes, short, skinny, and she looked lost. I was outside for some reason and she came outside to smoke a cigarette. I asked her out then, the first night I saw her. This was by no means love at first sight. She looked lost and I felt lost. We would text all ight from then on. She'd get worried I was "cheating" or something if I didn't text back right away. I remember once I was playing Rainbow Six Siege and every few seconds she'd text me and it was getting a little annoying, but I liked her so I replied every time. She had a bad relationship with her family. She and her mom would fight, cuss, and smoke together at times….

>>37464

… I once stayed at her house for the weekend. Her mom helped me lie to my parents saying we were all going up north to some farm. I stayed over at their house. My girlfriend and I had never kissed, and we never did. She said she didn't like kissing because she wasn't good at it. I told her it was fine, I wasn't good either, she denied. On that weekend we had sex around 4 to 5 times, within the span of 24 hours. The day I left to go back to my house, while we were in the middle of having sex, her mom came back and threw a box of condoms on the bed. When her mom picked me up to school to spend time with her daughter, I'd finger her in the backseat. God, I miss that. I ended up breaking her heart and left her. I felt it was too much of a bad relationship to be in. I don't think I was good for her either, me being there was controlling her to some extent, but.. I'm not sure. Maybe she was my only chance at meaning in the world. I've been thinking about her ever day since I broke up with her. it's been more than a year since, and I still wonder how she thinks of me. Apart from my parents "unconditional" love, she is the only person to ever listen to me and honestly talk to me with all her attention. My parents aren't really huge fans of premarital sex. I can't go to the church fish fry because her dad always works there and the last time I saw him was at the church festival, he was yelling, drunk maybe, and wanted to 'talk' to me about his daughter. He was an abusive dad. I miss her. God I miss her. I don't know if I love her, but I wish I could at least talk to her again. I remember what she wanted to change her name to; Scout. Both our grandfather's fought as Marines. I bought us matching dog tags, but being a dumbass, I threw mine away, to get rid of the memories. Throwing away that dog tag did nothing but cause both me and Scout pain. Anyway, I'm starting to feel depressed again and I don't know what to do. Thanks for listening to me talk about my troubles.

>tfw the every day, ever-present frustration of wanting to communicate, BUT:

1) little to no audience,

2) when 1 is true [rare], little to no skill on my part to communicate skillfully and effectively to get my thoughts and feelings to leap across the abyssal chasm between me and others, and

3) when both 1 and 2 are true [very rare], whether or not I’m misunderstood, most of what I have to say:

A) those around me don’t care,

B) those around me are deeply offended by what I really think.

>>37535

I'm still here, but I imagine like most others don't really have anything to say so I don't post much, but I'm still here to listen or read anything that's on your mind. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down anon, what's wrong? I hope it will get better. I'm not really into football, but here is a short football tv advert that always makes me smile, I watch it when I feel down, maybe it will cheer you up as well, I hope so!

>>37536

Thanks for trying to cheer me up, the animation is pretty nice.

You see, I'm currently abroad another country. I wasted about a month looking for jobs, most didn't contact me back, a shop called me in for an 'unpaid trial' then kicked me out because I wasn't experienced enough according to the shithead even though their ad said 'experience preferable', and my fucking resume didn't even say any experience on that job I was trialed on, wasted 3 hours. Then another shop called me for a trial, then she told me she'll pay me half of the minimum wage if I want to take the job (the manager was a chink, and some folks told me chinks are really fucking greedy they'll pay you shit). One month passed and I'm sure I've atleast spent $1k on fucking rent and some other shit.

Then I tried doing UberEats on bicycle, I got bullshit routes so I decided to just get a motorcycle license, buy a motorcycle and do UberEats that way instead so I won't get assraped by bullshit routes (I've done 3 trips, first trip was okay despite a bit tiring, second trip was bullshit that I had to pedal 1km uphill, I couldn't do that so I pushed the bike and wasted a whole hour delivering this shit, third trip I had to do a long ass trip that had me crossing a bridge. I'm not very out of shape, but I can't handle shit like that). So I booked a motorcycle course I have to pass, I booked an automatic course instead of manual because I thought I'll pass easier, which is a mistake I later realized MID course, that sports bikes comes in manual (And no, fuck scooters, where I come from, you can buy scooters for merely fucking $100. In here they'll go to $1k-2k. If I buy one, I'll indefinitely feel stupid and ripped off for the rest of my life and I can never live it down). Of course, thanks to my stupidity and luck, I can't change back to manual, so that's $92 course fee down the drain for no reason. I booked a second course, then while on the course, I got fucking stopped because apparently I (((struggled))) while others who were also struggling were just left alone. I was told to take a remedial private lesson before I can continue on, so I had to waste another 2 weeks. Right now I'm fucking waiting for that day.

Whatever shit I have to go through in life, it always seem like I have to go through the longer, harder, roundabout way.

>>37537

Sounds rough. I wonder if this "remedial course" can work as like a way out for you. Try to level with the instructor and see if you can get transferred into the manual course. Tell him the manual course is what you needed the whole time but taking the automatic one was just a mistake on your end. If the instructor is /kind/, he'll understand and switch you over, and you won't have to waste time with the remedial lesson.

>>37538

Oh, the second course is already a manual course, I just skipped on the first course. I got stopped on the second course and I'm currently waiting for the remedial course next week.

>>37539

Ah, I understand now. Completely renders my advice useless, but nonetheless. Keep your chin up. Consider it a speed bump on the way to the license. Grovelling to get out of the lesson isn't going to look good on you. I don't have much else other than grin and take it. Maybe when you finally do get it, put your head down, do a ton of jobs then spend your extra money on something special to treat yourself. Make it feel like it was worth it, you know?

>>37540

>Grovelling to get out of the lesson isn't going to look good on you.

Huh? I didn't grovel or anything, I just skipped that automatic course since I thought that's just a waste of time and money (As I have to waste more money to get on the bus), so I thought I'd just wait until the manual course. (I'll also clarify here, the ones taking auto course can't ride manual bikes)

>Maybe when you finally do get it, put your head down, do a ton of jobs then spend your extra money on something special to treat yourself. Make it feel like it was worth it, you know?

Hah, yeah, can't wait for that. I'd love to own a nice sports bike, deliver shit to recover what I lost, then treat myself nice things. Thanks for trying to cheer me up, anon.

I am currently watching Naruto Shippuden (read the manga several years ago) and I can understand and relate to the villains. To the point that its making me cry.

Obito has no one. He is completely alone. Same with Kabuto. Kabuto is worse off as he doesn't even know himself. He just imitates and steals from others.

Just like how I have had no one to rely on or to look out for me. I have no one. I rent a small room in an apartment building working a job I hate, Sage for negative post. Don't bully me for watching this anime