/fallen/ - the fallen human

chara looked out the window.

it was the same as always. their same home town. the same houses, the same cars, the same trees, the same mountain far in the distance. it was always the same. there was no point in even looking out the window, as they did every morning. but they did it again anyway. that's just what they do. no point in questioning it, either. so it seems.

part of them hoped they would see something different out that window eventually. they hoped, but they knew it was not going to happen. that's only a fantasy, is it not? why would it ever be otherwise? but they hoped and fantasized anyway. despite everything. despite another morning passing by, with the same world outside their window.

this morning felt particularly terrible, for some reason. the weight of it all made them feel like they were going to choke. they thought for a second that maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. but survival instinct beat out, and they felt the discomfort and listlessness anyway. a slew of feelings washed over them, once again. they've felt it all before. but it was just as strong. just as painful. they didn't understand why, but that's just the way it was. there was no arguing with reality.

it was exhausting. utterly exhausting. they didn't want to deal with it any more, yet it continued. they continued, almost like they enjoyed it somehow. but they didn't, right? that cannot be possible. but why, then? why did they go through the same thing every single day, for nothing? what was the point of their struggling, why were they even alive? they couldn't find an answer. it frustrated them, it made them want to scream. but they didn't. they sat there, staring out the window. doing nothing. being nothing.

they grabbed the nearest item on their desk for something to do with their nervous hands. it was a pocket knife, one of their favorites.

chara thought about something funny for a moment.

they laughed, and put it back down.

chara looked over at asriel.

they were eating together. asgore's home-made spaghetti. not the best, but not the worst either.

asriel was nearly scarfing it down, happy to fill himself up after a long day of playing with his new best friend. chara's plate was barely touched. chara just stared at him for a moment, almost envying his enthusiasm. soon though they realized it might be a bit strange, and stared back down at their own plate.

but they kept thinking. how is he just so… happy all the time? it was like he extracted meaning out of simply being with them or their parents, or doing something else he loved, or just simply being. obviously he was always a bit lonely, seeing as he had become so attached to his new best friend, but with them around it was like he had not a care in the world. it seemed so utterly incomprehensible. he seemed almost like an alien. or maybe, in fact, they were the alien one. that might make more sense, they thought.

but regardless, it perplexed them. and more importantly, it made them feel guilty for a moment. even with how well the two got along, chara would still often find themselves frustrated by asriel's sensitive, fragile, innocent nature. they didn't WANT to be so mean to him, but they felt as though they had no choice but to act at least a little harsh. because how else would he become strong? how else would he survive in the world of humans, if they ever found a way to escape? nobody gets through life by being nice. he had to learn that sooner or later. right? they couldn't see any other way.

yet, it still made them feel guilty. maybe they would never find a way out, and breaking down his soft innocence would be for nothing. maybe it simply isn't the right way. maybe he just doesn't deserve it, even if it has an end to justify the means. but, no, that can't be. that's not how this world works. you have to be prepared for anything. you have to be prepared for the worst. even with how perfect it seems down here, something could always go wrong. evil could always fall right down that mountain. and what would they all do then?

they would all die. chara knew that, they knew it for certain. and asriel would die too. they were no match for the cruelty of humanity. but, they thought, maybe i could at least save him. maybe i could at least teach him how to survive, how to last in such a reality. maybe then, things would not be so hopeless after all.

maybe.

the television flickered on, and buzzing static quickly filled the cramped, musty room.

chara was especially bored today. so bored, in fact, that they decided on sitting down and watching something. this was an activity they rarely partook in, although it was one of the only things around the house they even had to do. they typically preferred time outside, walking around by themselves under the shade of the trees. but today, they felt like something different.

the television they laid their eyes on was a much older one than they figured the people in town must have, since it even had one of those VCRs built into the bottom. they knew it must be something out of the ordinary too, since none of the shops ever even sold any tapes. but luckily, they did have a few, one of which being the ultra-rare full collection of Moo-Moo Missy Shooty, one of the most short lived yet well-composed pieces of western animation ever to grace the earth.

at least, that was how chara thought of it. it was their favorite. they liked it even more than unforgettable titles in their possession such as "Installing Office Software for your Blinblows 95 Computer" and "Sweating Up a Storm with Paula". they loved seeing Missy Moo-Moo raising hell and viciously turning all the disgusting evil humans into swiss cheese with her sharpshooting skills, always saving the day. chara had watched the whole single season at least seven times, if not more. every catchphrase and scathing remark memorized, every brutal evisceration burned into their brain. and yet they still extracted such enjoyment from the masterpiece.

ready for another marathon, they popped in the tape once more. this time, however, the unthinkable happened. the underside of the television made an infernal noise for a minute, and spat the tape back out. chara pulled it to try again, but it wouldn't budge. they pulled and pulled and pulled until

…

the tape snapped.

"Yes." they thought, smiling dumbfoundedly,

"Life truly is hell."

they ran, and their sweater was soaked with rain.

scrambling over rocks, flowers, mud. nothing but that here. no humans, nothing to truly bother them any more. after falling and scraping their knee, they almost consider just stopping there forever. were they really in a rush, anyway? but no. they had to keep going. just because. because they could. and so, they had to.

the rain began to beat down harder and harder. cold. it was so, so cold. but they kept going. and going. until suddenly, before them stood a massive cavern entrance, ominous, yet somehow welcoming. chara stepped inside. they wanted to rest, but couldn't. they could see something, something in the distance. their curiosity overwhelmed their cautiousness, and they walked closer and closer to investigate. one step after the other. then, they felt a snag.

something at their feet. something was there, and it got in the way. it got in the way and they couldn't, they couldn't keep going anymore. they fell. and fell, and fell.

chara felt a sudden pain overwhelm their entire body.

they struggled to think. all they could feel was the horrible pain coursing through them, and the cold hard floor underneath their crippled body. they could not even move. they wanted to cry, but all they could muster was a dull groan that echoed emptily throughout the dark cavern.

this was the end, wasn't it? there truly was nothing here. no escape from the world of the mundane, the cycle of hollowness they had deduced the world to be, and the pointless horrors contained within it. it was only another path to death, another useless drawing out of what could have been accomplished better with a shotgun or a good rope. but it only makes sense, doesn't it? of course, of course. they knew that. normally it would hurt them inside, but now, they felt nothing for it. it is the way it is.

they tried to groan again, just for the sake of it, but found it a bit harder this time. they were leaving, weren't they? it was going to be over. chara sighed breathlessly. despite everything, a feeling of relief washed over them. none of it mattered anymore. they had imagined this moment too many times to count, yet the bliss was better than they could have ever expected.

their eyes felt heavy. they knew each breath could be their last. chara savored this incredible moment, the moment they would return their filthy body to the earth, and let go of it all. let go of thought, of feeling, of experience, of being. let go of the shackles binding them to this reality. it was finally, really happening. tears fell from their eyes, something they hadn't felt in a long, long time. something they would never feel again. just like everything else.

just like everything else.

chara took their last breath, and closed their eyes for the final time.

they were truly free at last.

…

the lifeless body laid motionless on the dirty floor of the dark cavern, its sweater soaked with rain.

it was a beautiful day outside.

chara looked out the window. the wind blew softly outside, the birds were chirping, another autumn morning was playing itself out as usual. but they still didn't really feel like going outside. they didn't feel like doing much else, either.

they walked back to their mattress and lied down. staring at the ceiling again. the room was so dim, their eyes didn't actually have much to focus on. so it was more like staring into some sort of void, perhaps more fitting for the way they usually felt during such a time.

it was so quiet. almost completely silent, aside from the faint noises from outside and the up and down of their breathing. there was no one but them in the house, as usual. no one but chara. typically, that wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary. but for some reason their mind wandered into the awareness of such a fact. the fact that they were alone.

they tried to remember the last time they saw anyone from town. something like… a month ago? two months? they weren't even sure. they forgot who it was, even. probably just some shopkeeper they had to interact with out of necessity, or perhaps a traveler or two in the woods taking an unpopular hike at the right time. one of those two, yeah. that's what chara figured.

chara chuckled to themselves for a moment, reflecting on this. they found it absurd to realize they were even thinking about this, giving it the time of day in any capacity. after all, they didn't care, right? they shouldn't. humans don't need any more presence in their life than they already have. and chara did just fine alone. they didn't need anyone else. of course not.

nobody would understand, anyway. they knew how cliched it sounded, but they didn't care. no one would. they were sure of that, it had been proven to them time and time again. so why bother? they were only saving time, and energy. saving for truly worthwhile pursuits.

right, they thought. that's right.

their mind wandered once more.

I awoke to sounds of thunderous nightmares and perturbations of peculiar time space warped around this endless sea. Almost a regular occurrence this seemed as the night continued and storm clouds never ceased in their bilious billows surging deep from some unknown source deep within the source. Every day the small vessel took in more and more of the black tar, the sea starves for another to visit with davy jones, but I continued to shovel and pry the silt and grime out of the hull. Long ago it's been since my engine once still had power, and long ago was it when I once thought I remembered a clearer sky, though this boat has always been here and I will continue with it. There is no escape, for the sea latches on like a cruel mermaid with silvery snake like claws and golden gnashing and gnawing teeth evermore dragging me back to it. Once I found a light, a bright beacon of sanctuary and a promise of land, yet that light never existed in this sea and who knows who it was intended for. I wonder why sometimes, for the brief moment of a hope for respite, that was dashed as the sky swallowed the light whole as a hungry bear in the middle of a desert.

>>199

thank you for your writing. it is very lovely. it makes me feel something, although i don't know what.

they aren't supposed to be here.

that sentiment is all chara could think of, walking through the dimly lit, empty halls. yet, they couldn't keep themselves from continuing. they had to, right? this was something they had to do. something they had to know.

but at the same time, they knew there wasn't really anywhere for them to go, or anything for them to do. they stopped and wondered for a moment if they would wander these halls and rooms forever, if it would begin to stretch infinitely like some absurd dream. above chara's head, a bright ceiling light flickered on for a moment, then back off again. slightly startled, they snapped back to reality and continued walking.

storage closets, rooms full of empty cubicles, dark spaces without any obvious purpose. halls, halls, and more halls. sometimes they would go up or down a level through the staircase, only to find the same places at a different elevation. everything was nearly spotless. or at least, they couldn't see the dirt and grime with how dark it was. they wouldn't usually expect such cleanliness from creatures as filthy as humans are. but perhaps buildings like these were held to higher standards than what they were used to.

chara almost began to feel hypnotised by the steady sounds of their footsteps against the soft carpet beneath their feet. it was pleasantly patterned, a simple black and white color scheme. looking down at it while moving in the dark made it seem almost like a river of strange shapes, flowing downstream for eternity. suddenly however, their captivation is interrupted by a strange sight down at the end of this particular hall, a door slightly creaked open with white fluorescent light pouring outside of it.

cautiously approaching the door, chara's spindly fingers slowly pry it open until they can see what's inside. it was merely another large cubicle-filled room, yet all the lights were on somehow. as far as they knew, the main lights everywhere else didn't work, yet here they were. even more cautiously now, they snuck through between the cubicles, looking left and right at each pair they passed, making sure nothing was waiting for them.

but what would be waiting, anyway? they thought about this for a moment, yet nothing in particular came to mind. it was the nebulous concept of that "monster in the dark," the strange and vicious thing coming to get you when you least expect, when you are most vulnerable. realizing this put them slightly more at ease, knowing it was merely a trick of the mind. yet, they still could not shake that feeling, the feeling that they were being watched, preyed upon.

chara found themselves fingering the old, rusty pocket knife they had in their pocket for a moment. they couldn't help but feel more paranoid with each cubicle they passed, even imagining in their mind how they would counter such an attack if it were to really happen.

they passed cubicle, after cubicle, after cubicle. nothing, nothing, and nothing. they almost didn't see the wall they were quickly approaching. chara breathed a sigh of relief as they reached the end, but a strange feeling washed over them as something else immediately caught their eye.

on this wall was a window, like the other ones throughout the building. however, this one was broken. looking down, they noticed the glass shards beneath their feet. someone, or something, really has been here. well, it seemed so at least. they wondered if perhaps this could have some more mundane explanation, but wracking their mind for an answer didn't reveal much of sense. chara did the only thing that made sense to them at that point, and went closer to investigate.

most of the glass had been cleared from the window itself, conveniently enough for any sort of exit or entry. chara leaned their head out to look around. the cool midnight breeze blew through their soft brown hair, somewhat comforting to them compared to the sterile air from inside. they stopped for a moment just to take a look at the city, so dark and lifeless. it was difficult to see much at all, only the occasional lit window or street light down below. through all this, another strange feeling washed over them. something indescribable.

looking down though, they didn't see any sign of a way up, or safely down. so reluctantly, they leaned back inside and gave up on getting much else out of this. chara took a deep breath, turning back around to keep up their search through the building. even already having confirmed the harmlessness of the room, they gripped their knife tightly walking back through and out the door.

nothing was going to get in their way this time.

nothing was going to get in their way this time.

the phrase echoed itself inside their head, over and over again.

It was that kind of morning. A morning where the troubles of yesterday and the day before that and all the days before it were thwarted by the bright, fresh atmosphere of a new day. Muted sunlight filtered through the high window located just above the table, where two individuals a woman and a mid-adolescent boy sat. The light easily glanced off the articles of the room, and if one were to turn their gaze towards the woman's slack figure, they would notice in an instant how the rays reflected softly on her, most apparent now in the shining pearls of her eyes. The woman's lips were curved just so, and though she was past that age where young men would flock simply to win such an expression from her, she shone a sort of admirable youth. She sighed, and it sounded like a gentle breeze. This morning was itself similar to a little miracle, like the flare of a camera flash, she thought to herself. And there, in front of her, was her son, the light of her life. The boy chewed noisily on his breakfast, disrupting the peace that the earliness brought, as his mother watched. He tore into his meal, and the fat and oils dripped from his mouth and stained the surface of the table. So engrossed was he in his food that he jumped when his mother idly toyed with her spoon and caused her neatly finished plate to ring. He stared at her in astonished disbelief. "Mom!" he shouted. "What just happened there?! You trying to throw me off my groove thang?! It's eight in the morning, my sinuses are loaded with the viral equivalent of the United States Marine Corps, and I don't have enough milk for my raisin bran! Do I have to give you shit?!" An expression of shock flashed across the woman's features. "Chara, what are-? Please calm down…" "Dodging, are we? Aha, I can see through you like I work at Lenscrafters who also polishes the windows on a company skyscraper in a New York boulevard! Not that you can ever see one 'cause you're so poor! Why are you staring at me with your mouth open like that? Yeah, 'cause I'm toooootally the one being crazy right now. Tooooooooooootally." The boy Chara rolled his eyes affectedly many times than what was appropriate. Swallowing, the woman shook her head and spoke, "What are you saying? Why are you angry? Is that attitude necessary right now?" The youth's face scrunched into itself, and suddenly the soft sunlight felt like fire upon the woman's skin. It crept up and into her skin, and she recoiled suddenly as if burned. "Pretentious, holier-than-thou, I-don't-know-anything act now, is it? Is Clinton my grandfather? But I guess I can't really say that because if it were true those bad politics could lead us down a slippery slope shaped like a mollusk. Ha ha ha! Why aren't you laughing? That joke never gets old so eat shit!" Chara hollered disdainfully. "You're gonna parrot some bullshit like you're an armchair psychologist now, ain'tcha? Armchair psychologists only stay on their armchairs 'cause they're so old, y'know! So which is it?! Parrot or psychologist? Or maybe you're a transgender parrot and/or psychologist which makes you disgusting!" It was the sneer. That damned sneer. It blanketed her vision and darkened the room, and so she closed her eyes to it. She stomped her foot, and, shaking her head, she steeled her voice. "Chara, I will not have this today. I don't know what's gotten into you recently, but you have been like this for far too long and I am sick and tired of it. Go to your room. Now. We will talk about your aggressive behavior when your father is home. I want some peace and quiet right now."

She sighed again and this time it sounded like a stiff gust of wind. Her hung head was turned away from the window and her eyes shone only with weariness. She looked every much her age in this moment. "You're like every mother in the world, trying to push your feminist ideals down my throat! Aggressive? See, I knew it! It's 'cause of my muh-soggy-knee right? Holy shit, how did I not see this before?! Also, what's this about going to my room? You gonna pin me down on my bed and have your way with me?! You shotacon! And get your mouth off Dad's dick like some puny little barnacle that no likes looking at because it's so damn ugly and probably smells like fish that I'd throw into a vat of frying oil in a heartbeat, which I won't have if I eat too much fried food! I mean, I've tried sucking dicks before and I can tell you it ain't fun! Like how Steve Jobs isn't having any fun now! Ha ha ha ha HA HA! Are you Steve Jobs? Naw, can't be, 'cause no one likes you and you don't have cancer, because you ARE cancer! Woop! "But whatever! I'm goin' to my room now, but just so you know I'm doing it ironically. Toooooooooooooooooootally. I'm being ironic, see! Just like this -" Chara straightened both his palms, thrust out his hips, and struck his pelvis on either side of his genitals with the edge of his hands "– is ironic! HA! Are my words killing you?! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be lounging in my room like your so-called definition of "faggot" where the magic happens if you know what I mean but ew gross if you do that means you really DO think of me like that which means you ARE a pedo and like a reverse Oedipus Complexer but anyway that's where I'll be reading up on Fate/Stay Night which has way more world building, power levels, and damn good action scenes than this place while getting high even though I really shouldn't be doing that while playing games and jacking it…" The youth stormed off, taking his aimless ramblings with him. Gone was the brightness of the day, but at last it was quiet again. All the mother could do was sit down and cry.