/monster/ - The Last Bastion of Romance★

>>343877 (OP)

>As much as I would love to watch two nerd monsters fight nature calls

>I rush to the toilet and start cramping, bending over in pain while holding my stomach

>I get the same feeling from before as I quickly grab the trash can and start hurling again

>Oh god it doesn't stop, what am I even throwing up? I have no bile to give, I have eaten anything to shit

>I try one last ditch effort to alleviate the pain

HELP ME JESUS

>Images of Kermit the frog fill my vision as I almost pass out from the pain

>Finished with God's punishment I turn on the shower to wash away the puke the garners my shirt

>I quickly realize that I don't have any towels and head downstairs to get some

>While being careful not to bend I notice I have no towels, or at least dry and clean ones. Oh, God, they all smell like mildew

>I almost start to puke again, onto the pile of dirty towels, making them even more dirty, but I hear the doorbell ring knocking me out of my trance

>WHO THE FUCK IS IT

>Angry that I'm covered in puke and angry that I have no towels I angrily open the door

>"Hello, sir, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord of Decay, Grandfather Nurgle"

>I take notice of the towering man in dirty platemail and flies buzzing around him

>Dirty, I feel, would be and understatement. He's fucking disgusting, I can hear the sound of wet sloshing, like if you crushed a rotten tomato in your hand, in between the grinding of his plate, which conjures images of nails on a chalkboard

>I can’t even get a good look at his face due to the amount of flies buzzing around him, by the Lord, I managed to get a closer look at them and can make out that they’re some unholy hybrid of a mosquito, fly, and a maggot of an unidentifiable species

>That's not even the worst. The worst of it all is the smell, oh God, the smell it's worse than death. It's like if you microwaved a sweat potato that had gone bad, shoved it into the fat folds of a landwhale then proceded to fist a real beached whale that had been dead for a month pull the potato back out and eat it. Even after all that it still doesn't feel like that description does him JUSTICE

>I quickly bend over and hurl on the Pinnacle of Disgust's shoes

>"I see that our beloved Plague Lord has already blessed you-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP"

>I wipe the puke from my mouth

"Take your eight foot tall, rotted teeth and face flesh, melted internal organs, foul smelling, unpolished plate, shit bathing ass and get the fuck out of here and go hang out with the rat girls in the sewer, you pillar of filth"

>I slam the door in his face and go to grab the gasoline from the garage just in case

>I check through the window and see that he's walking off to the neighbors house to bother them

>I'll have to keep a mental note to purge the neighbors just in case

>I throw the towels into the washer with a liberal amount of tide pods to clean it so that fucker doesn't come back to claim them as "Gifts for his God"

>I go about my plan to take a nice long shower cleaning myself of any puke, sweat and tears that sullied me

>Staying in an extra thirty minutes after finishing washing a while ago I finally work up the courage to turn off the water and step out of the steamy warmth of the bathroom

>OH GOD WHY DID I DO THIS

>The heat in my house hasn't worked since forever and whenever I call a guy to come fix it he gets waylaid by my neighbors who hate me

>My dick shrivels up further than a meerkat digging a hole, while my nipples harden enough to cut diamonds

>I run downstairs into the living room, where it's warmest

>I sorta just stand in the middle of the room not sitting down or covering myself in a blanket because I don't want to clean it later

>While shivering half to death, I hear the doorbell ring again

>I swear to God if it's that plate pus covered fucker again

>I cover my myself with my hands for common decency and swing open the door

>>343879

>I see it's Morathi, our schools resident black dragon. If I wasn't sick and naked right now I would kick her ass

>She seems to be shivering, too cold to notice my exhibition

>I don't know if dragons are completely cold blooded, considering they blow fire and all that shit, but then again, I guess wearing nothing but a thin coat over her shoulders with holes cut for her wings, bandages acting as a bra, no shirt and just a black skirt doesn't help keep you warm in the slightest

>It’s the standard “I have daddy problems and I’m a hard bitch” attire

>She then holds out a package of papers with class names written on the top math, English, chem, etc

"What the fuck is this?"

>Morathi quickly looks down to me teeth gritted as noxious smoke pours out between them, falling to the ground and turning the concrete blasted and cracked

>Oh right, black dragons can't breath fire, they instead breath airborne AIDS

>Before she can quip back to me she suddenly notices I'm naked, and turns her head away

<"Why… why are you naked… and wet?"

"You see I just took a shower and I did not have any clean towels to dry myself off with"

<"Why didn't you just use some blanket to cover yourself?"

"I hate cleaning and no way am I going to get one of my chinchilla fur blankets wet, do you know how much one of those cost!?"

<"Ugh, fine!"

"Come to think of it, why are you the one giving me my schoolwork? I distinctly remember roasting and kicking you and your lesbo dark elf friend's ass in the middle of the cafeteria, come to think of it again, how did you find out where I live?"

>She simply scoffs while keeping her head turned away from me, and shoves the papers into my, not so, wet arms

>I flip through the pages only to find them to be assignments from school

"Fucking homework? They assign homework on Valentines day?"

>I inspect the words written on the paper only to find them all Valentines day themed questions ranging from "Who's your favorite teacher?" to "Is it possible for love to bloom on the battlefield?"

>I finish flipping through the homework and see that underneath it all is a mass of pink envelopes with heart stickers and lipstick marks

>I open them up and see it's some sappy Valentines day cards with sappy shit written in cursive

>Well I think it’s some sappy shit, I can't read cursive. At least most of them came with some candy

>I turn around and slam the door behind me, only that I don't hear the sound of the door clicking shut

>I turn around to see it's Morathi still standing there, well I might as well humor her

>I toss the papers aside to use as kindling later and turn my attention back to big black dragon at my door

"So are you going to stand there all day or are you going to ask me if I heard the good word Khaine?"

>She turns her head back to me baring her teeth, quickly realizing that I'm still naked and turning her head away from me blushing enough to turn her pale cheeks cherry pie red

>>343880

<"I… need your… help"

>Oh I am going to have fun with this

"Could you… perhaps repeat that?"

<"I. Need. Your. Help"

"I'm sorry. Could you run that by me again, I can't quite make out what the last word you are saying"

<"I need your… h-h-he-l-p"

>That's the good stuff right there

"And what is it you need 'h-h-h-help' with?"

>She frowns at my perfect imitation of her, then lets out a defeated sigh and throws her head down in shame

<"My mother recently found out about our fight-"

"You mean the one where I kicked your ass?"

>She quickly reaches out to strangle me but manages to calm herself down by taking a deep breath

<"As I was saying. She found out about our fight from a post on Facebook and now demands to meet you. She hasn't even let me inside the house ever since then"

"Who the fuck posts fights onto Facebook? Also, aren’t those taken down by the danukis trying to ‘hold together the fragile relationship between man and monster’"

<"It was the gym teacher. And yes it was taken down, but ‘’’unfortunately’’’ it was reposted constantly to my mother’s wall”

>That fucking 40 year old minotaur virgin, first she makes all the boys wear short-shorts during the mile and now this

"And why should I even help you?"

>She looks at me with abject shame, or embarrassment, come to think of it is there a difference between the two?

<"I… I, Morathi Sulekh, daughter of Khaela Sulekh, daughter of-"

"Alright I get it, move along"

<"Promise to fulfill any request you have of me"

"So you'll essentially owe me a favor"

>She lets out a deep sigh

<"…Yes"

>Hmmmm

>I do hate doing chores around my house and an indentured servant sounds nice

>But then again this might be more trouble than what it's worth, plus I got that living sack of pus going around my subdivision and I don't want to come back to my neighborhood being turned into a small square of Africa

>Well shit what should I do?

1. Go visit mommy dragon

2. Find and put the heretic to the flame

3. Go back to bed because it's fucking cold and I have the fucking cold

4. Watch daytime television You all know what this is a euphemism for

Roll a d20 and remember to sage you fuckers

>>343881

And sorry for not posting this about a month earlier

>>343881

>We I ain't go nothing better to do anyways

"Alright, let's get the fuck outta here"

>I walk outside and get hit with a blast of frigid wind and half-snow half-rain

<"…Aren't you going to put on some clothes?"

"Oh… riiiiiight"

>I dip back inside and invite her in so she doesn't go into hibernation while I dress up

>I go back to my room upstairs and make myself decent

>I throw on some floral print boxers, sock, sweat pants, some old t-shirt, and an equally old hoodie

>Just in case I upchuck, then I wont ruin any good clothes

>I slide down the handrail and see Morathi is nowhere to be seen

>Well not that I care if she flaked on me but, the open door to my basement worries me

>I slide down the handrail to the basement, well attempt to wood-chips are one hell of a pain in the ass, literally

>I almost go nuclear when I find that wet draconic fuck

>Morathi is laying on my gold, jewels and magic weapons pile and wrapped up in my even more expensive were-sheep wool quilt

>Do you know how well wool absorbs water? I don't. But I've never seen a sheep or were-sheep swim in my life

>I stomp up to her, almost impaling myself on an Asrai blade. Fucking wood elves, trying to kill me even after I properly stol- acquired it

"WAKE UP YOU LAZY LIZARD"

<"Just five more minutes mom…"

>She goes back to snoring happily over the fact that she found a hoard to sleep on

>Well that's diplomacy over

>I grab the blanket and yank it off her, like a magician yanks a tablecoth and start violently shaking her

<"Huh? Wha-? What's going on?"

"Why the fuck are you asleep on my treasure pile?"

>She stares at me confusedly before shaking her head and realizing where she is

<"I- uh- didn't get any sleep since my mother kicked me out"

>Well if I was a dragon I would kick my child out for getting her ass kicked by a human

"And you only sleep on piles of magic weapons and sharp cut jewels?"

>Her stare goes from confusedly to absolutely positively fucking lost

<"Yes. What do you think I am, some sort of commoner who sleeps on a bed made of springs and feathers"

>She starts to open her eyes and quickly becomes more aware of what I just said

<"Wait, why do you own a pile of magic weapons and jewels?"

"'Cause it's fucking hard to find a buyer on wholesale magic weapons, and if I sold the jewels I would crash the market; then I would open the front door and see a collection of danuki thugs with baseball bats ready to send my kneecaps out of the ballpark"

>She rolls her eyes and groans

<"Perhaps I have to rephrase this: how did you find these treasures?"

"Simple. My parents are adventurers…"

<"And they take you along with them?"

"Nope. I haven't seen my parents since I was 10, even before then it was always short visits maybe a month, dad is an murderhobo, and mom is lizard(wo)man murderhobo"

"I get postcards in the mail from them, granted they're filled with misspellings, improper grammar and money"

"Last I remember asking them why they didn't take me, it was because they didn't want me to turn out like them"

>She seems to be taken back by the fact that I grew up without my parents around most of the time

<"Who raised you then?"

"My uncle, Joshua. He's currently on a mission in some fucking canyon, trying to get the tribals there to accept the word of God"

"I go with him over the summer and help him preach to the 'lost lambs' as he called them, you'd also be surprised the treasures you can find in their 'haunted/forbidden/cursed caves/grottoes/coves' granted half the time the dangers are real and you interrupt a hellhound's home cooked dinner with her husband and three lovely daughters, who then try to use you as a chew toy, or maybe a griffon girl who isn't particularly partial to sharing tries to toss you off the mountain side, or maybe it's harbors a burning black bear that tries to eat you (that one could've been the drugs though)."

"Anways, I'm projecting a little to much so lets get the fuck out of here"

>>344158

>I put some shoes on as we set upon our merry little adventure

"So… where the fuck are we heading?"

<"You see that castle over there?"

>She points to the direction of two, not so, distinct looking homesteads

"Uhhhhh… which one? The one with the spiky purple dark dildo towers, or the spiky one that has human skull worked into the mortar"

>Morathi starts chuckling and shaking her head

<"I suppose that mother has a distinct taste in old world architecture. The first one, dark spiky towers"

>We start walking down unbowed by the rain, sleet or snow… till I realize that Morathi can fly

"Hey! why the fuck don't we just fly there?"

>Morathi holds up three claws and just starts counting down

>When she reaches zero a bolt of lighting cracks through the clouds

"It's raining, snowing and lighting?"

<"Personally, I think some guy married to a raiju forgot her birthday"

>I start laughing. But my mind starts wander and I start hacking and coughing at the prospect of some guy getting electro-dick-shock therapy to help him remember next time

>I bend over and quickly throw up again melting part of the snow and revealing a bush covered in pulsing pustules and fleshy growths

>It seems to grow and absorb my puke

>Sickened by the show of disgusting non-natural nature, I turn around throw up again into the streets, away from any plants that would obtain sustenance from it

>Finished, we continue our walk in awkward silence

>The snow and the windchill only worsens

"So, you going to tell me how some guy married to a yuki-onni forgot his wedding anniversary next?"

>I turn to her and see that she is face down in the snow, and I don't think she's making snow angels. Or maybe she is turning into an angel

>I hurry back to her and start dragoning - geddit - the girl through the snow

>But without a sled, traction in the snow, freezing weather and the fact that she probably puts most heavy weight champs to shame, on the mere virtue of being a fucking dragon

>Add all this together and you get a recipe for "Shit sucks man"

>While trudging through the snow blind I notice the sound of a whip cracking through the air

>Just then it comes into view a sled being pulled by an assortment of dog type girls, ranging from the indomitable hellhound, to the meek kobold

>Questioning what kind of fetish this is I throw up in disgust and quickly bury it under the snow so the fucking dogs don't eat it

>The sled slows down and I notice the way the dog girls are tied up is quite… well let's just say that the rope is digging into place that would be uncomfortable for most

>The sled finally stops at, well, the sled part and the person driving it stares eerily at me through goggles while covered in a thick jet black winter coat

>The figure removes the goggles and pulls down the hood revealing it to be Drusala the leader of the schools "dark" elves or aelfs if you're a particular faggot

>I say "dark" because we never get any fucking sun here since queen Katarina, the resident ice queen cunt, can't stand people having fun.Anyways, I digress. Dark elves are not actually dark skinned, they just tan really easily, so up here in the cold north they just look like pale elves with maybe darker mascara, and purple lipstick

<"My oh my, it seems that two star crossed lovers are in quiet a predicament, luckily I Drusala am merciful and offer my assistance in your time of need"

>Holy shit, could this get any more pretentious

<"But a, oh so graceful and decadent, Druchii extending her hand in aid, to a man of unnoteworthy status and a mere beast, why it's absolutely scandalous"

>I stand corrected

"What the fuck do you want in return?"

>The words come out more annoyed than finding out your show isn't on Netflix

<"Why, I just want one little thing from you. A dinner…"

"Care to elaborate?"

<"I can't just spoil the surprise! It would just be bad sport, and besides it would be more time consuming than this conversation and let me remind you my time is immensely valuable."

<"So I offer you this invitation once again. Come with me to a spectacular banquet, and I'll take both you and your pet lizard"

>I know monsters don't eat men, and those that do "eat" men do it a la blowjob

>Of course even if such heresies, both in the literal and not literal sense, weren't performed at this "banquet" it's a dinner with dark elves, they probably bring in a cold one and eat it raw

>And lord knows the Gordon Ramsay in me doesn't like shit raw, except rare steak is pretty good, but then again I'm sure there's a difference between a cow and a overgrown lizard

1. Free food

2. Grand theft sled

3. Free the doggo girls

4. Fuck off

5. Sewer level

6. Better luck on your next incarnation

>>344159

>I graciously accept the offer by grabbing her hand

>I quickly jerk her arm causing her to lose balance and land right into my fist

>While she's heaving on the ground with her hands and knees, due to me giving her diaphragm a massage, I take step back and kick her harder than soccer player fakes an injury

>I hear two crunches, once when I kicked her in the ribs and another when she landed in the snow

>I reenact the scene from Office Space and continuously stomp on knife ear

"GO BACK TO COMMORRAGH"

>She looks back up to me bloodied an beaten and manages to weakly spit out

<"W-what?"

>Damn. Knew I should've wore my timbs today, I just had to go with sneakers for comfort

>Also, I think I might be 40k years too late for that

>Eh, doesn't matter to me

>I bring my red colored sneaker up high and stomp one last time, breaking the knoife ear's nose and knocking her out cold

>Get it? Knocked out cold, cause it's- nevermind

>I jack all the shit off her, making sure to not touch it with more than two fingers as I'm pretty sure she has some sort of disease

>I clothe Morathi in the winter gear that Drusala had, don't want to explain to mommy dragon how her daughter turned into an undead dragon, and toss her onto the sled

>I would worry about Drusala going to the police or dying, but I could always just say it's her fetish and they'll probably believe me

>I take the reign in hands and snap them commanding the dog girls to pull it

>Man I can't fucking believe it. It's March and it's still fucking snowing, worse yet, the snow plows aren't anywhere to be scene

>This is the, sorta, rich neighborhood the plowers should be here plowing the snow harder than a ushi-oni plows her husband

>I quickly reach the entrance of the neighborhood and notice two figures sitting out in the blizzard with a table

>Wondering who the fuck is out here at, shit let me check my phone

> 3:30 pm…

>Shit I thought it was fucking 8:00 pm, I haven't seen the sun since fucking August

>Still interested at who is out here I stop in front of the stand

>"𝐿𝑒𝓂𝑜𝓃 𝒮𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝒸𝑜𝓃𝑒𝓈 𝟣$"

>I feel a sense of dread fill me as I look down to see who the proprietors of this business are

>Two young yeti's sitting and playing on their phones finally notice me

<"Hello mister! Would you like a lemon snow cone"

>The look of utter disgust covers my face as she mentions the word "lemon"

>I don't want to utterly crush their hopes and dreams due to them being kids and all

"Sorry kids. But Imma have to pass-"

<"Please mister! We tried really hard on making these!"

>Alright this is starting to get annoying

>Just as I get ready to go off on these underage water sports enthusiasts, I notice another figure standing in their garage

>When I get a better look I see it's their mom just standing there… smiling menacingly with her eyes closed, or very close to closed.

>The momma yeti's smile says "Please come inside for some hot chocolate" but her eyes say "That's not lemon"

>Not wanting to incur the wrath of the momma bear I quickly hand over a dollar

<"Thank you!"

>Just as I go to turn around and toss the Schrodinger's lemon snow cone I hear the ara~ ara~ yeti ask for me to tell me how it is

>I didn't get the chance to toss it, who does she think she is, the Flash?

>I turn around sheepishly

<"Can you tell my daughters how good they did? They did work very hard on these snow cones"

"It's uhhhhh, great~"

>Holy shit if that came out any more awkward spaghetti would be flowing out of my pockets

<"Can you please taste it again, so that my daughters can see how much you like it"

>There comes a time in every mans life when he must draw a line

>And this is where I must draw the line

>I look at the snow cone and for a second and back to the momma yeti, who is smiling devilishly

>Mostly instinct than choice I MLB pitcher that shit at her head

>It hits momma yeti square in her forehead sending pieces of "lemon" snow cone around like shrapnel and sending her horizontal

>The young yetis go to help their mother up, but by the time they get her vertical I'm long gone on my sled

>Trying to debate whether I should call Child Protective Services and tell them about the "lemon" snow cones, of course they could've just been lemon and I'm crazy

>Nah, it was probably mango flavored. And I fucking hate mangoes, no child should ever have to go through making a mango anything, it's cursed fruit

Rolled 1 (1d20)

>>344987

>Khorne is a better chaos 20god

Never have I heard a more wrong statement in my life. Rolling to get Papa Nurgle’s blessing from the knight.

>>344966

>Well time to swallow my pride and go…

>Ask for help

>I quickly sprint out into the emo oomukade's paradise and dive into another alleyway near the armored brute

>I manage to hold my lunch in and pull out some glacial shards out of my clothes and toss then at the knight while yelling for him

"GET OVER HERE YOU BOIL ON THE FACE OF REALITY"

>The chaos knight quickly turns to over to where I'm hiding at and takes his sweet time to get his sweaty ass over here

>"Hello my non-pus drenched brother. I remember you from earlier today, I recall that meeting did not go so well. Have you come back to me to hear about the Rot-father and how he can save you the pain of life?"

>Oh god even with the wind blowing at my back the stink of this fucker still makes me sick

>I lurch forward and spew again

>"I see that you still have the blessing from our glorious Father-"

>Nope I'm done listening to him already

"ALRIGHT LISTEN TO ME YOU BULBOUS EMETOPHILIAC! IF YOU GO ON ANY FURTHER ABOUT HOW GREAT YOUR GOD IS I'M GOING TO TAKE THAT FUCKING HELMET AND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU WON'T BE GETTING IT BACK TILL THE NEXT STORM OF CHAOS! I'M GOING TO FUCKING FLAY YOUR BABY SHIT GREEN ARMOR OFF OF YOU WITH YOUR FUCKING SPINE! I WILL DESECRATE YOUR BODY SO MUCH THAT A SLAANESH FOLLOWER WOULDN'T TOUCH YOU! I WILL- OW! FUCK!"

>I fall to my hands and knees as a tremendous pain fills my lower back

>The chaos warrior starts laughing while I hear cackling and chittering from behind me

>Two short figure comes into my peripheral vision. I manage to push through the pain and look up to see it's an albino rat girl and another rat girl clad in black robes, the jewnukis of the sewers

>The white rat girl hands her robed cohort a handful of green glowing Chuck E. Cheese tokens, with her payment in hand the rat girl fucks off into the dark

<"Stupid-dumb man-thing you thought-think you could threaten husband"

>My eyes suddenly open up farther than hearing the sound of breaking glass in the middle of the night during the full moon

>I manage to get up off my hands and onto my knees, only to see those two holding hands

>I throw up again in disgust of their degeneracy

>Suddenly the chaos warrior grabs me by my collar and lifts me up close enough that I can see his rotten teeth and glazed eyes, I don't want to mention his rancid breath either, better to breath out of my mouth than have to smell it

>OH GOD I CAN TASTE IT

>I throw up again and this time all over his breast plate, it actually looks cleaner than before

>Not wanting to go out like a bitch I punch that ugly motherfucker right in the… helmet

>The chaos cunt starts laughing while I clench my teeth in pain

>"Ahahaha. Is that all?"

>I try to squirm out of his grasp, only to find no quarter in his grip

>But I do feel a pain again in my lower back. I reach around and notice that the dumb bitch left it in me

>I take a deep breath and pull out the blade, and part of my kidney

>I quickly bring the knife to bear and jam it into his visor

>"ARRRRRRGH"

>He howls in pain and lets me go, to pull the knife out of his eye

>The white rat girl, filled with indignation, starts to channel magic

>The crackling of green lightning bolts fills the alleyway as the hairs on my arm to start to stand up

>I notice a rock within my reach

>I quickly earthbend (see "throw") that shit right at her head knocking her to the ground

>I hear the sound of metal and concrete colliding, when I look to see what caused the sound I see the dagger

>I turn my head over to the chaos knight and see he has produced a rather large axe

>>345282

>"YOUR HEAD IS MINE"

>He raises his axe overhead and brings it down to bisect me

>Luckily he's slow as the pus that squeezes out between his armor's joints so I avoid the strike.

>I grab the dagger and go to see if I can go two-for-two

>Just as I prepare to turn him into basilisk

>Unfortunately I miss judged his speed and he quickly Mike Tyson'd my ass, sending me flying into the shard filled blizzard

>I lay in the snow reeling from the pain and not wanting to get shredded

>Chuckling the chaos warrior brings his axe to bear again

>I close my eyes, resign myself to this fate and wait for the final blow

>But it never comes

>I open my eyes to see that the albino rat girl is standing over me with her, ugh husband, blocking the ice shards from her

>She notices me awake and smiles maddeningly

<"You two will be great-good sacrifices for wonderful-powerful Horned Rat"

>"And the Plague Father"

>The chaos warrior interjects

<"Yes-yes both powerful-mighty gods get sacrifice"

>I turn my head to see multiple slave rat girls dragging a cage and Morathi out of the alleyway I left her in, albeit with trouble considering her weight

>Just then a skittish, whether naturally or due to the ice shards jabbing her, rat girl comes up to the white rat

<"My most humble apologies fearsome and beautiful Khathrin. But we only have one cage for-"

>The white rat girl backhands the slave rat

<"STUPID SLAVE! PUT THEM IN SAME-SAME CAGE"

>One of the slaves try to lift me up, but a quick kick to her cooch dissuades any others from trying

>This doesn't dissuade Mr. Codpiece who lifts me up and tosses me into the cage

>Before I can get up the other slaves toss Morathi onto me knocking the breath out of me

>While the slaves pull cage it runs over a rock and knocks onto the side causing me to hit my head onto the cold hard ground knocking me the fuck out

>I have a terrible nightmare about the time when I had to dogsit, or would it be babysit, the neighbors daughter, who is a kobold, they even left me pie to eat. What they didn't tell me was that their daughter was prone to having seizures and that I shouldn't let her watch any cartoons, the toilet was not working and they didn't have a plunger, so I use my foot.

>So my foot's totally stuck in there right, I'm freaking out, the kobold's having a seizure and I still got half a pie left

>I suddenly wake up from my nightmare and see I'm in some sort of cage production line

>While trying to break out of it a like it's some sort of tire swing a loud explosion as a rocket blasts through the floor and breaks the tram

>I fall down and the cage breaks setting me free to splat on the floor like a fly on a windshield.

>I get my bearings and see if I broke any bones, which I didn't, and see Morathi is nowhere to be found, they must've moved her to a different cage

>Well shit

>I look around the area briefly. I'm in some sort of prison/warehouse complex

>Empty cages all around, boxes filled with scrap metal and broken machines, and the roof, walls and support beams all made out of rickety as fuck wood

>I notice, among my search, two doors one with some sort of weird triangle drawn by a man with Parkinson and another with three anal beads in a triangle

>It also stretches further back to more cages and boxes. Perhaps I could find help or weapons

>What the fuck should I do?

1. Anal bead door

2. Michael J. Fox triangle

3. See if I find some friends

4. See if I find something to kms with

Also I go with 1's, failures, and 20's, successes, over anything else

>>345287

Wow this is all going to shit fast. Never had we get two 1s in a row. Well shit if 20 we find dorf hopefully a dude because those exist an elf, a mage and an inquisitor.

>>345362

Not with that roll we aren't.

>>345283

>I'm not about to conform to the rules and guidelines set by some icicle nipple'd barbarian and their plague ridden rat-fus

>I walk in between the two doorways and charge through the wall like the kool-aid man on steroids

>When the splinters and dust clear from my view, I see nothing but giant cages fit for fitting prominently large beasties

>Most notably the giant chaos spawn that escape from it's confines and is now running at me

>Sheeeeeeeit

>I quickly turn tail and fucking run like my life depended on it

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK"

>As I run through the room I try to put cages and boxes behind in hopes of slowing down the creature

>It just crushes and shatters anything in it's warpath

>I eventually pull a 'blonde hair girl in a horror movie running away from the killer' and trip

>It picks me up with it's tentacle arm-tongue-mouth thingy and starts to bring me closer to it's lamprey like mouth, or at least one of them

>Just then, like a holy bolt of lightning, an arrow pierces the beast's mouth causing it to throw me like a football at whoever shot it

>The figure easily dodges me, allowing me to land into a nice box full of corn

>Whether that was their purpose or not is unclear

>I watch the figure battle with the beast, weaving in and out of the beast's attacks while planting blows with glinting daggers

>I pop some kernels into my mouth and sit there enjoying the show

>I suddenly notice a cannon, albeit significantly greener and glowy-er, next to me

>I get up off the throne of the Nebraska and attempt to load the cannon

>Only to notice it doesn't have a hole to put the projectile in

>I notice some buttons and levers on the side and try fiddling with them, besides some whirring and flashes of lightning nothing happens

>Frustrated by this contraption I give it the special kick

>Much to my surprise it suddenly springs to life, as the crystals glow green and fire a bolt of lightning

>I hits true and sends the chaos spawn into a pile of cages

>I watch as it convulses and spontaneously combusts into a gout of green flame

>A horrible shrieking can be heard as the beast dies

>Satisfied with my handiwork I come up to the figure ready for a high five

>Only to be met with a dagger to my throat

>As I get a better look at the figure I see it's female, clad in green cloak and tree bark for armor

>I notice as the, glow off the cannon grows stronger, that her hood is quite misshapen around her ears

>An elf

"So, you going to give me shave or what?"

<"You are a slave. Are you not?"

"Sacrifice, technically"

<"That doesn't matter. What does matter is do you know where they're keeping the elf slaves"

"…yesssss, I sure doooo"

<"Then-"

>She removes the dagger from my throat and sheathes them

<"Take me there"

>I make my way through the doorway the chaos spawn enlarged

>We make our way through hallway after hallway of similarly rickety wood

>Beyond the chaos spawn there is no one to impede our movement

>Where the fuck is everyone?

>Well, I might as well strike up small talk to ease the corn that isn't settling

"So… who are you searching for?"

<"An elf"

"Well I hoping for a fucking name or a distinguishing feature. But perhaps it better to start with introduction"

"What's your name?"

<"Nothing that you could pronounce in your brutish tongue"

>I'm angered, but at the same time intrigued by her snarkiness

>I wanna see how far I can go

"How about your age?"

<"I have lived countless ages and watched your human empires crumble and fall, only to rise again like weeds"

"You have a husband or something?"

<"My bow and the wind at my back are companion enough"

"Got it. 300 year old kissless virgin"

==<"WHAT!?"

>She springs forward, grabbing me by the shoulder and points an accusing finger at me

<"What did you just say?"

>Her tone has all the pleasantries of a pissed off viper

"You mean the '300 year old kissless virgin' part?"

<"I-I'll have you know that plenty of g-guys have tried to c-court me!"

"But you rejected them, that means you're a kissless virgin"

>Her eyes go wide, like a deer in headlights

<"N-no I have a boyfriend"

"Really? What's his name?"

<"You wouldn't know him. He goes to different school"

>Wait what?

"Hang the fuck on"

>I quickly pull down the hood and bandanna revealing her to be Velcisse

>I only know her because she's the bitch that put an arrow through my collarbone

>Granted it's not particularly smart to streak in the middle of the archery team's practice

>Nor is it particularly smart to streak in front of the targets… well you get the point

"Velcisse!? Why the fuck are you here?"

>Embarrassed that her charade had been blown, her face turns practically beet red

>>345547

<"I-I-I'm here to-"

>She closes her eyes and starts to breath calmly

>Must be some breathing exercise from the archery team to help deal with crowds

<"I'm here to save my sister"

"You don't have a sister. You're the only wood elf that isn't home schooled, cause Lord knows that if we had anymore tree huggers the archery team would be a paramilitary group of ecoterrorists"

<"We go by different last names… you would know her as Drusala"

"What? How can you two be related? She's a dark elf, you're a wood elf! I mean, yeah you're both elves but isn't there some sort of schism in culture, or something like that, that makes you hate each other?"

"Plus there's no male elves, so you can't be half dark half wood elf"

<"Just let me explain. Our mother was born on a black ark, she was like most of dark elves took slaves, plundered, etc. what changed though was when she met dad, her sisters didn't like that she had someone to love. So they tried to NTR dad away from her, and well… needless to say, I don't have any aunts. Anyway, after that she left that life behind so she could raise us in peace"

>The hamster that turns the wheel in my head starts running faster and faster till I get it

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH"

>I grab Velcisse and start violently shaking her

<"W-what's so funny?"

>I let go of her and wipe away the tears in my eyes

"So that means that either your sister is a wood elf who is a dark elf cosplayer, or that you and your mother are dark elves who are wood elf cosplayers"

>Velcisse's eyes go wide as she realizes that my theory has some credence

>We continue to walk through the ramshackle hallways while I poke fun at her for having confusing terminology for her race

>We eventually come across a notice board

"Ice cream social?"

<"How can you read that? It's just runes and scratches"

"I did some missionary work with my uncle, I picked up some basic Norscan. Of course I could be wrong and it could some sort of icicle knife fight going on"

<"Hey, I think I found map"

"Finally! Let me se- What the fuck"

>It's a mass of hallways and… fuck man this map makes my head hurt

"Either these Norscans are fucking 200 IQ geniuses or no one knows how to draw a map"

>I crumple up the map and toss that shit

<"Why did you do that!?"

"It's not like it was going to help anyway"

"Besides I think I got a general gist of where they're keeping slaves"

>We head north, or at least I think north

>We eventually reach some sort of bridge connected to a rock island that stands alone above the fall

>Is this shit Alcatraz?

>We hear the sound of chanting as a host of marauders armored and shield with their rat-women counterparts, marching together

>What's worse is that there's guards station just outside the entrance

"Hey, Velcisse, you gotta-"

>I look over to see her knocking an arrow

>I grab the arrow before she can fire and yell at her in a hushed tone

"What were you doing!?"

<"I was clearing our path"

"You were going to kill us, there's like fifty of them and two of us"

<"I was aiming for the guards at the door"

"Do you really think they won't notice two dead bodies right at the entrance?"

<"Well there won't be anyone to notice us if we kill them all"

>I see the blood-lust in her eyes

>I guess she doesn't like stealth missions

<"Well what would you rather do?"

"I say we steal a uniform and sneak in with you as the prisoner"

<"Their uniform is half naked with tribal tattoos, do you really think it'll be that convincing?"

>Well shit she's got a point

<"But since your being so persistent we'll do it your way"

"Oh yeah, so when it falls to shit you can blame me"

"Fucking elves"

>Shit what to do?

1. Sneaky beaky like

2. Stealth is optional

3. Forget this and get ice cream

4. Base jump without a parachute

Rolled 7 (1d20)

>>345548

>implying there's any other choice than 2.

>>345548

3. How can they ever recover from a bad day if we eat all their icecream?

>>345548

"We're doin' this sneaky beaky like"

<"And how are we going to do that?"

>I stare at her confused for a couple of seconds

<"Don't look at me like that!"

"I just told you like two minutes ago…"

"We're going to find a barbarian that's on break or something and steal his armor, then I take you in as a prisoner and we find your sister"

<"So we're doing clothes shopping then?"

>Velcisse knocks another arrow while pulling it quarter back

<"Tell me when see something you like"

>I scour the room for any marauders that have reasonably clean clothes, a helmet, close to us and a similar body type to me

>I kick myself for not cutting weight, but then again it's not completely my fault. Wrestling team was scraped, when the coach was found to be selling vids of the boys showering and wrestling to ara~ ara~ (see "pedophile") monsters, and I haven't really had a reason to cut weight

>It's surprisingly hard to meet all these standards, and here I thought I was being easy

>Just then a marauder comes over to where we're hiding and pulls down his pants and starts to drain the lizard

>Never look a gift horse in the mouth

>I elbow Velcisse and point her to my new wardrobe

"Make sure to not hit the helmet or any clothes"

<"Easy, considering he mostly naked"

>She pulls the bow back fully and lets the arrow fly hitting her target right through the armpit and piercing his lungs and heart. Or at least I think so, I don't have x-ray vision

>He falls down with a thud that goes unnoticed due to the chanting of war parties

>I quickly sneak over and drag his body back to where we hiding and start undressing

>I probably should've undressed him first

>I rectify this mistake while Velcisse laughs at my scatterbrain moment

"You just going to watch the show, or are you going to keep a lookout? I don't wanna get caught with my pants down"

>She turns away making sure the patrols don't suddenly change

>Ignoring the stink wafting off his pants(and the need to throw up), and thankful that he wears underwear, I put then on following with the shin wraps and shoes, knee-pads, hand wraps, dirty ass sword, an assortment of rand leather straps and only one pauldron

>My nipples are literal icicles

>Final armament the helmet, it has the same three circles in a triangle motif as I saw on the doors earlier

>Just as I put it on the stink finally gets to me, I throw up again while my eyes tear, like from cutting onions

>Velcisse looks at me again and notices a few differences between me and the marauder

<"You got to be kidding. That will never work"

"Why? I got the gear and everything, even my face is hidden"

>She walks up to me and starts toying around with the marauder's body pointing out the differences

<"What you means besides the fact you don't smell like them - except your breath - you don't have the tattoos and you have more chest hair than the scunner! How's that even possible?"

"It'll work. Just you watch, besides you need some way to identify me… Also hand me your gear"

<"As if I'd trust you with my weapons, the wood has been given freely from the trees, the iron released willingly by the earth and forged by a priestess of Vaul. To let you touch them would sully them, besides you would probably poke your eye out or something"

"Just give me your fucking weapons or I'll tell everyone at school that you're secretly a wood elf cosplayer"

>Her eyes go wide then quickly turn into a scowl

<"Take them scunner"

>I have a niggling feeling that I'll be getting an arrow in the appendix

>I hold the daggers and bow in one hand and Velcisse, with her hands behind her back, in the other

>I make sure to avoid patrols and make my way across the bridge

>The quality of it matches the rest of the this labyrinth, what's worse is that some of the planks are rotting

>I watch my footing to make sure I don't-

>I feel an elbow prodding me

<"Hey genius, were here"

>I look up to see two guards stands at the entrance of the gate before the prison keep

>Just before I open my mouth one of the disinterested guards pipe up

>"Lakash. sä'lata of Bödvarr ja Khathrin"

>>346020

>Fuck me sideways, dark tongue

>Time to use context clues

>Guessing he said the door is locked, since they aren't letting me pass, and it's by order from the rat-bitch and her hubby

>Time to recall those times, of spreading the word of the Lord, in Morkestaar

>I did get run out of town though. Fucking chaos worshipers

"Ksy… elf?"

>The guards look at each other, confused, before turning back to me

>"Dh'Akh varten kurva"

>The guard points his thumb to the chasm next to us

>I guess they want me to throw her

>Velcisse has the same look that the one kid in foreign language class has when the teacher asks them a question

>Just then I remember something important

"Aksho qhaysh akh melk"

>The guards suddenly spring up and push right past me sprinting across the bridge and while fighting each other to see who goes first

>I notice a lever and pull it opening the gate and closing it on the other side

<"What did you tell them?"

"I told them the same thing I saw on the poster for ice cream social"

<"Why do they love ice cream so much? They come from a land of snow, afterall"

"I've been to where they're from. Most of the time it's mutated fish with teeth of a shark, mutated elk with claws like a mountain lion, or two headed bear. Sugar is not a common thing up there, so sweets are held in high regard"

>We walk in a hallway caked with so much dried/fresh blood and grim it actually makes me glad I'm not wearing my shoes

>We eventually reach a desk manned by a rat-girl

<"Can I help-serve you?"

>Thank God that they speak common when talking to each other

"This elf-hag was found sneaking around an-"

<"But-but Khathrin said to not let-go anyone in slave-prison"

"Are you questioning me, rat?"

>I lean over the desk making the rat-girl lean back in her chair

<"N-no most brutal-savage warrior. P-please go-go ahead"

"Good. Now where are the other elf-hags kept?"

<"Elf-things held-captured in floor 3"

"And where is the dragon kept? Bödvarr demands to know his prize is not being tampered with"

<"I can't tell-tell, lady Khathrin will have-take my tail"

>I slam my fist onto the desk

>The loud bang easily causes the skittish rat-girl to jump out of her chair

<"Bottom-ground hole!"

>We walk past the front desk and into a lifting platform

>Velcisse looks at the scuffed elevator and back to me

"Ladies first"

<"I swear to Lileath, if we die to some stupid elevator I'll-"

"Yeah yeah yeah, you're gonna bitch me out in the afterlife. Now shut up and get on it"

>We step onto the platform, it moans and groans as our weight causes it strain

>I pull the lever and we start our decent

<"What was that about a dragon?"

"You know Morathi?"

<"Uhhh, yeah. Black scales, constant bitch face and haughty attitude?"

"Yep"

<"I thought so. My sister hangs out with her after school and bullies the freshmen"

<"Why would you want to save her anyways?"

"I kicked her ass"

<"That was you? But why would you want to save her?"

"To kick her ass again…"

>Velcisse looks at me with doubt

"Oh hey it's your stop"

<"How can you tell?"

"Really? It has three dash marks at the top of it"

<"Shut up"

>She grabs her weapons out of my hand and storms off

>I pull the lever again as the elevator jams

>I pull it again with more force and it starts up again, them promptly starts crashing down

>>346021

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT"

>I take the express way down and promptly crash at the bottom

"Hey I'm not dead"

>I get up and look around

>One door to go through, might as well

>I enter and see it's like a break room, snack machines, broken open, and a communal fridge

>I walk through another door way and see it's filled with Norscans and rat-girls all playing Mario Kart: Double Dash

>They might be savages and sewer jews, but they have good taste in games

"Hey! Any of you guys know where they're keeping the dragon bitch?"

>One of the rat-girls not playing points to a bank-like safe door

<"Why do you need to know-know anyways?"

"Bödvarr want to make sure she isn't dead before the ritual"

<"Well the code is: 1234"

>That was easy

>Just as I go to break Morathi out, their cup ends

<"Alright, who want's to play-fun next?"

>I open the door and close it behind me

>I see Morathi laying on her cot in the "draw me like on of your french girls" pose

<"Aren't you a little short to be a Norscan?"

"Well fuck you too bitch. I was going to save you but now you can get out yourself"

<"Wait, what?"

>I storm out of the room and slam the door behind me

>Wait… I think I might've overreacted

>Just then one of the Norscans offer me a controller and a place on the couch

>"Come brother. Help me show these vermin who is mightier at these weak southlander games"

>Well shit

>It's not like Morathi is going anywhere, besides I'm feeling better and haven't puked in the last thirty minutes or so

>Of course they might send down the real guards to take her and that might be awkward

>What to do?

1. Show them your Mario Kart skills

2. Backstab

3. No fun allowed

4. KMS

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>346022

>playing video games

>not out marauding and pleasing the gods

>current year

Fuckin' dorks man

Rolled 12 (1d20)

>>346022

Dominate them at Mario kart and leave the bitch behind. See can save herself, she is a dragon with acid breath after all.

>>346022

>I hop the backrest of the couch and sit down in between my partner and a rat-girl

>Of course I have to sit in the fucking middle

>I quickly lock in toad just so I can taunt my opposition with his annoying voice

>My partner picks Waluigi, while the rat-girls pick Peach and Daisy respectively

<"So what circuit do you-"

"Special cup. 150cc"

>She cycles through the menus till we reach the, seven centuries long, map intro

"So… why the fuck are you guys just sitting here, playing games, and not pillaging or murdering shit?"

>"Bödvarr tasked us with guarding the dragon-hag, so she doesn't escape before her sacrifice. Something about how her soul with fuel the Summoning portal"

<"The Skittergate, Naglfar, we went-went over this in the orientation"

>The rat girl next to me then proceeds to explain their plan

<"You see, we don't have enough forces to take the surface-city-"

"What? Yo- we have plenty of warriors, y- we could take the surface"

>Almost fucked up there

<"While we have number-many, we don't have reinforcements, or enough big-loud north creatures, to hold slave-city, and when scary-fierce Monster slut-lord finds out we dead-die"

>"Also those weak southlanders use 'guns' as they are to cowardly to face me in hand to hand combat, fucking dorks"

<"He's just angry-sad because he doesn't have chaos plate-plate"

>"YOU DARE-"

>Just then the intro ends and we're at the starting line causing my partner to shut up

>I whisper into my partners ear

"Press the A button when the light turns green. And let me drive"

>We rocket start and quickly switch places

>Mmmmm, Wario Colosseum, I remember this course like the back of my hand

>I then start slide boosting leaving the rat-girls in 2nd place like the filthy casuls they are

>Me and my partner race through the map hitting every double block

>I leave the rest of the racers in the proverbial dust, besides that rat-bitches who are keeping on my fucking tail

>Look like I'm going to have step my game up

>I start hugging the walls tighter than a manticore's tail hugs her husband's dick

>We again leave the rat-cunts to the mercy of the rubber band bots who proceed to buttfuck them with red shells

>Just as I line up the kart for the boost over the pit in the circle part, you know the one where real men jump it and pussies just go around

>We get hit by a lighting bolt… then a blue shell, which knocks us off, then a red shell

>Tears are running down my face as we're in 8th place now

>Life is suffering

>I drive to a double block and get a

"BULLET BILL"

>I us that shit, and like a leprechaun on Viagra we shoot up to 2nd place behind the rat-girl

>I use the forbidden technique of slide boost wiggling

>With that we cuck first place from them

"GET REKT YOU FAT-RAT-FUCKS"

>They look at me with pure hatred with their glowing red eyes

<"Still-still three courses left man-thing"

>Oh yeah

>The next races go by fast with the rats taking first place, then both of us getting fucked by a blue shell sending us to 4th place the rats to 3rd

>It comes down to rainbow road

>SHIT

<"How about we make-make this interesting?"

"Like how?"

<"A bet. If you win, we'll do anything you ask. If we win, you do anything we ask"

>Before I can laugh at their pitiful attempt at getting laid. Suddenly, Naglfar has to open his fucking mouth

>"Deal!"

>He leans over me shaking the hand of the rat-girl

>Looks like it's time to win again

>Again we rocket start and speed ahead of the pack with the rat-girls on our asses

>When we reach the corkscrew spin the rat-girl, next to me, starts to lean into me awkwardly

>When the second corkscrew spin, before the finish line, she leans into me again, this time pushing her breasts onto my arm

>Uncomfortable level: 40%

>>346316

>I focus on the race but she starts to moan while rubbing up against me with her petite body and breasts

>Uncomfortable level: 70%

>If I was some sort of filthy degenerate who enjoyed fucking flea ridden sewer dwellers, which I'm not, I'd be the husband of a danuki

>HEYO

>Jokes aside I'm pretty sure I already caught the black plague from being this close to them

>By the time we reach the third lap she's straight up grinding into my arm with her crotch

>Uncomfortable level: 99%

>I push through the urge to run away and set myself on fire and try to finish the race

>Alas they get into first place on the final corkscrew

>Just then a blue shell comes and fucks them up for trying some freaky deaky shit on me

>Thank you, God

>I laugh as we cross the finish line winning

>Naglfar jumps up like he fucking did anything besides throw items

>I swear Steven hawking would be a better partner than this fucker

>He then grabs the rat-girl on the other side of the couch, lifting her up in a bridal carry and lugging her for some opposite day snu-snu

>Like fuck man, have you ever seen that image with the hamster and the banana? I imagine it's like that

>The rat-girl next to me, to my surprise, doesn't just jump on me and start humping me like a dog

>Instead she starts to rub my biceps and other muscles on my body

<"Mmmmmm… your arms are so big-big, could you flex for me?"

>I grip the controller while cringing as hard as possible beneath my helmet and involuntarily flexing my muscles at the same time

<"So hard, like a rock, and so big I can't even wrap my hand around it"

>IWANTTODIE.mp4

>She hubs me from the side while rubbing one hand on my chest

<"And your chest so wide-wide…"

>BEGONETHOT.webm

>I push her away, sending her onto the couch splayed out on her back

<"Kyaaaaaa~"

>That's it

>I put my hands around her neck and start to choke her

<"Ch-CHOKE ME DADDY"

>I put even more pressure onto her throat while using my knee to press down on her rib cage

<"S-S-SPIT ON M-ME AND CALL ME YOUR SLUT"

>FUCKING RATS AND THEIR COLLAPSIBLE SKELETONS

>Several minutes later of me choking a horny rat-girl and she finally passes out with a smile on her face

>Holy fuck rats can hold their breath

>I throw up again onto the floor in disgust of feeding into this girl's fetish

>Well I guess it's time to go get Morathi

>I step away from my disgrace and open the door again

"Hey, Morathi, I'm here to save your ass"

<"Who the fuck are you? Why the fuck are you so sweaty? And why did I hear some girl yell 'choke me daddy' on the other side of the door?"

>I pull off my helmet, thankful to be rid of that nasty piece of fungus infected metal

<"It's, uhhhhh. Come to think of it I kinda forgot your name"

"First, fuck you. Second, it's Graham. Third, long fucking story"

>I go to open the cell door… only for it to not open

<"…It's locked"

"Thanks captain, fucking, obvious"

>I go out of the room and search the rat-girl for a key

>And thankfully she stays asleep and has the key, I think…

>I do a celebratory kartwheel and try the key out

>It works and Morathi is free

"Hang on. Why did you just break the bars? You're a fucking dragon don't you have strength relative to a giant fire- gas breathing lizard?"

<"Do you think I didn't try that? The bars were magically enchanted"

"Fine. Let's get fucking going before they figure out you're missing"

<"As if a couple of rats or savages could stop me"

"Yeah, well… overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer"

>We make our way past the couch of disgrace and past the sound of a bed's frame breaking

"Alright, the elevator is broken and I need you to fly us up"

<"Straight up? What do you think I am, a mocking bird? I can't fly straight up, I would need an updraft of some sort"

"Well time to put those claws to use…"

<"I am not going to climb up this with you riding my back like a sloth"

"Really?"

<"Really!"

"Gotcha, be right back"

>I grab the Gamecube and sprint back to where Morathi is then chuck it at her head

>>346059

Cause I'll forget to cut out the name when I go to shitpost in another thread

Rolled 3 (1d20)

>>346319

1.

>>346319

>I step forward from the group as I whisper back to them

"Watch this"

"OI! YOU BIG CUNTBAG WITH THE BIG OL' HORNS ON YOUR HELMET WITH THE GLOW IN THE DARK AXE"

"FIGHT ME ONE ON ONE. NO ITEMS. ANY CHARACTER. FINAL DESTINATION"

>"AND WHY WOULD I AGREE TO THAT, SOUTHLANDER?"

"CAUSE YOU A BITCH IF YOU DON'T"

>Already the seeds of dissent are sown, his minions are grumbling about how their leader won't fight a "weak southlander" in a one on one

>Angered by his tribesman, he orders the construction of an arena

>When it is finally done he calls me over

>Like Moses parting the Red Sea, the Norscans create a path for us to walk through to the arena

>They stop my companions from entering, only allowing me to enter

>I see two chairs, a TV, and a Gamecube complete with controllers

>Bödvarr wastes no time insulting me

>"After you die, southlander, I will mount your head only my belt"

"Shut up, I bet your dick rotted off and now you can't even fuck your rat-whore"

>He's practically fuming

>Oh, I think that might've had some truth to it

>I pick Roy. I know Marth is better in every way, but, Roy's my boy

>He picks Ganondorf

>So I guess we're even

>We begin the match and I quickly side smash him only for him to come back to me and get grappled

>I send him to the edge again, then side smash him into oblivion and humiliate him

>He plays worse than a mentally handicapped lamia with no arms

>i easily style on him while the crowd cheers on

>Hey I can see Morathi, Velcisse and her passed out sister sitting in the stands watching me

>I stop playing with my food and finish off his last stock, without losing one of my own, completely humiliating him in front of his tribe

>He snaps the controller in his hand and readies his axe

>Of course…

>"YOU WILL DIE, SOUTLANDER"

>He chucks his axe at me, embedding it into the wall

>While unhooking the Gamecube I get hit with it's handle while it was flying back

>Of course he has a daemon weapon

>He charges an overhead swing, before crashing down cutting the TV in half and freeing the Gamecube from the Gordian knot

>He walks to the center of the arena and starts to call for help from his tribesmen

>"COME! PROVE YOU'RE A TRUE ROTBLOOD AND COME SLAY THIS SOUTHLAND-"

>I interrupt his plea for help with a Gamecube to his knee shattering it, denting his armor and sending him to the ground

>I raise my purple box of death above my head and start to beat his head with it

"THIS. IS. WHAT. YOU. GET. FOR. CALLING. ME. A. WEAK. SOUTHLANDER"

>I break those purty horns and dent his helmet so much it might just be inside out, before he manages to throw me off

>While he recovers from multiple concussions I quickly charge him again hitting his other knee

>This time the Gamecube catches some of the armor and tears it allowing his femur and shattered kneecap to protrude from his flesh and into open air

>He screams in pain as I drop the Gamecube onto his chest and watch his armor crumple

>I grab his axe and feel dark whispers in the back of my head telling me to kill my friends

>lol, what friends?

>I bring the axe down onto his neck separating his head from his body

>I make sure not to bring the axe with me

>Don't want to risk daemonic corruption

>I lift his head so the crowd my view it

"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?"

>Just then the crowd quickly starts to jump into the arena wanted to kick my ass for killing their leader

>I may have miscalculated when they'll start killing each other

>Right when I back up against the gate it opens and I see my companions dragging me off from the horde of angry northmen

<"I thought you said they would turn on each other?"

"They'll do it eventually. But for now… RUN"

>Morathi places me onto my feet as we sprint off right past where I stashed my clothes

>No time for a change, but enough time for my phone

>I pocket it and fuck right off into the twisting corridors

>We keep running down each hallway trying to keep going straight as to avoid getting split up

>I of course have to play the role of tard wrangler and make sure Morathi or Velcisse, who’s still carrying her sister, damn… is everyday leg day for her? I digress. I have to make sure they don’t split up like fuck-tards

>We eventually stop, tired and rasping, at a crossroads

>Velcisse tries to wake up her sister, Drusala

>While talking(see “arguing”) with Morathi about which way we should go Velcisse calls us over

<”’’’HEY’’’ I think I found a way out”

>Velcisse gestures to a hole in the ground with an eerie green glow coming out of it

“How is that a way out? It literally is a hole in the ground, and I’m pretty sure we want to go up”

<”I think it leads to a main cavern out of here”

>NotSuspicious.jpg

>I squint my eyes at Velcisse and stick my head into the hole

>Annnnnnnd there’s rat-girls in heeeere! Ha… ha…

>>346797

>I pull my head and shoot Velcisse a glare, who’s currently laughing her ass off with her… sister!?

“Drusala? When did you wake up?”

<”You know when you were beating that brute with that purple brick you call a game system?”

>Suddenly Velcisse shoots Drusala her own glare

<”You made me carry you all this way!?”

<”As if I would dirty my shoes with dirt and blood”

>Drusala says dismissively

“Oh I’ll show you dirt and blood you pompous-”

>Rat-girls start flooding out of the hole behind me

“We’ll talk about this later. ‘’’RUN’’’… ‘’’AGAIN’’’”

>Velcisse and Drusala gets caught by rat-girls with mancatchers

>I would leave them but I’m not feeling like a dick today

>I laugh at them before dropkicking one packmaster and rko-ing the other, freeing the elf sisters

>We speed through more hallways till we reach a giant cavern with a giant green glowing stargate?

>What?

<”FOOL MAN-THING! YOU KILL-KILL HUSBAND”

>I turn around and see it’s the white rat-girl, khathrin or something like that

>Velcisse tries to shoot her but a magic bubble protects her, then turns to me and shrugs

>Fucking magic

>Her eyes are red(well more red than usual) and teary while her nose is dripping snot

>A slave brings her a tissue, which is promptly met with a back-handed slap

<”NOW YOU DIE-DIEEEEEEEEEEE”

>She seems broken up about her hubby’s death

>She then shoots a bolt of warp-lightning at us

>Only to miss and hit a generator which start to melt down

>The (not) stargate start to blow up and cause the cavern to start collapsing

>All the rat-girls and their Norscan husbands start running around like chickens with their heads cut off

>Some are climbing out, others vying for a lift and some seem to run for the stargate before it Illias Akbars

>Of course we have a dragon we could maybe find a hole to the surface and fly the fuck out of here

>Choices choices…

1. Neverending Story the fuck out of here

2. Magic portals are always fun

3. Elevator music time

4. Climb outta here

5. Slayer time

>>346797

>He picks Ganondorf

shit, a fellow ganon player. I am conflicted

>>346798

>1. Neverending Story the fuck out of here

If the filthy chaos worshipers are running for the gate, it's probably not where we want to be. It must be choice #2 for a reason.

See if you can get Morathi to transform first

Rolled 7 (1d20)

>>346798

The sensible side of me says to run away.

The real me says to nose dive into the portal.

Above 10 it's 1. Below, 2.

Rolled 18 (1d20)

>>346798

1.

Can we get the theme up on our phone before we do this?

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>346798

2.

>>346798

>I start elbowing Morathi to garner her attention while Khathrin shoots bolts of warp-lightning at us

"Hey… do you think you could fly us out of here?"

<"That's it! I'm not your taxi and I refuse to be ridden like some sort of centaur"

"C'mon all the chaos champions get sweet dragon mounts!"

<"Do I look like some cursed split-headed split-personality chaos dragon?"

"Well a simple 'No' would've been nice…"

>Morathi just scoffs at me in response

"Well that leaves the only other choice…"

"I've got a plan. One all or nothing gambit"

>Velcisse and Drusala turn around from taking turns shooting 'scunners' and rat-girls with Velcisse's bow

>In unison they all ask me

<"All or nothing gambit you say?"

"Yeah it's my final move…"

>Morathi is clearly intrigued by my plan

<"What does it involve?"

"LISTEN UP this is something you're going to have to do for yourself"

<"Just tell us what you're going to do and we'll follow your lead"

"Hmh… hmh hmh… RUN FOR YOUR LIFE"

>I smirk at them, grab them by their wrists, then turn around and start sprinting for the portal

>They try to fight it but I can't let them die in some cave-in

>They are my… "comrades" after all

>We jump into the crumbling portal while my "comrades" scream and curse at me

>We pass into a realm of green and rat-girls carrying sacks filled with goodies

>While beating up the rat-girls for their lunch money and getting yelled at by my "comrades" the ground starts crumbling and we get thrown into the sea of souls and nightmares clinging to a rock of warpstone

>Velcisse and Drusala are clinging to each other and crying about their souls being eaten by Slaanesh and Morathi is yelling at me for dragging her into this mess

>I just enjoy the ride like that big ol' yellow slide at Great Wolf Lodge

>You know the one that takes multiple generations to reach the top and sends you down going terminal velocity?

>I kick off any daemonettes that try to claim my dick or the elf sisters while calling them "Cucks"

>We eventually get spat out into real space again

>Where we got spat out well… it's anyone's guess

>I look around and see hallways lots of black obsidian colored hallways

>We hear the roar of crowds coming from a stairwell leading up

>The blinding light of halogen bulbs and the smell of turf being kicked up fills me

>I lean over the fence separating the stands and the field

>BLOOD BOWL

>I am practically elated squealing like a little girl

>Chaos All Stars Vs. Naggaroth Nightmares

>A team composed of chaos warriors and their beast(wo)men wives/teammates

>I feel bad for the poor soul that got proactively dated by the minotaur

>and the Naggaroth Nightmares, a team of dark elfs that make look Drusala look vanilla

>I look at the scoreboard and see the dark elves are winning by 4-1

>Hell the Chaos All Stars are even missing some players, most likely dead from stab wounds, if the cruel looking blood soaked daggers those witch elves are carrying mean anything

>I watch as a witch elf stabs a player then knees him in his nuts

>He doesn't even have his chaos plate yet, go easy on him

"Man this shit sucks"

>Drusala and Velcisse look at me like I just insulted Nuffle

<"What's the matter? Not happy that the 'humans' aren't winning?"

>Drusala does have a point

<"I'm with my sister on this one. I rarely enjoy anything more than seeing scunners get beaten"

>Velcisse just seems to enjoy the slaughter

"Well, Drusala, they're more human than your bitch elf team. And at least they don't stoop down to paying off the gremlin referee"

>I feel tap on my shoulder and turn around to see Morathi pointing at the side-line where the not-dead and not-unconscious members from both teams bully the referee and the replacement referees by giving them noogies, wedgies, wet willies, etc.

"Well… at least my team isn't a bunch of knife eared reject punk rockers"

>I storm off in frustration

>>346969

>Just then it hit me

>If everyone is cheating why don't I cheat to help my team win

>I start searching for a plan to help the (close enough) humans win against those knife eared separatist sacks shit

>The torn uniforms from the referees pants'd and… shirt'd? Whatever you call when someone rips off your shirt. I could use them to become referee and give shit to the Naggaroth Nightmares for their fowls, while turning a blind eye to the Chaos All Star's fowls

>Of course I wouldn't get shit from the chaos team but the elves would probably start sending assassins after me when they notice

>I could take a uniform off one of the dead chaos team members and put my own skills to the test

>I don't like to brag but… I led a team composed of paladins and alps to the finals and almost won the cup, but was cup-blocked when my team never showed up due to SPS (Shattered Pelvis Syndrome) afflicting all the paladins and the alps finding "boyfriends" who don't like girls who play sports

>I mean I still went out there and played, but I wouldn't really call it play

>Unless you count getting stomped on for 3 1/2 hours "playing"

>They didn't even stop for half-time…

>Speaking of half-time. I could always just cause a gas-leak in the dark elves locker room and toss a cigarette in like Bond villain

>I could always just watch the game and hope the knife ears don't win

>But that shits boring

>I could always just kill myself and avoid having to view this slaughter

>And I don't think I want to instigate the crowd, considering most of them are dark elves and I'm pretty sure I know which team they'll flatten

>What to do?

1. Ref time

2. Crack some skulls

3. No Mr. Bond I expect you to die!

4. Watch the train wreck

5. Avoid the shame

>>346970

>I contain myself for now and take a seat back with my "comrades" who have procured seating

>They saved me a seat and got popcorn and beer, well shit maybe they aren't all raging thundercunts

>I crack open a cold one with the girls

>Wait, no. This is diet beer

>They're back to being "comrades"

>I sit idly by and watch the sickly, sinful, spectacle as the chaos team gets fucking rekt

>This gets me thinking

>Why do I care about these chaos worshipers winning?

>I would gladly see them, and their corruption, driven to the far north towards the Eternal Battle, heck it would be doing them a favor, it's the closest they get to being with their Gods without dying

>But… I hate dark elves even more

>They are the epitome of mindless bloodshed, torture, betrayal, and acts of debauchery that would make even the most scandalous and devote Slaanesh worshipers turn their head in disgust, such as handholding with a married man and forcing his wife to watch

>Plus they enslaved me and my uncle Joshua, for trying to spread the good word of the Lord to the northern tribes, so I'm still a little miffed about that

>I notice that inner conflict I failed to notice that time passes by

>Time to do my work

>I excuse myself while admitting to, having to take a piss

>I search for signs that would lead me to the locker rooms but find they're all written in Druhir

>Time to put those hours in as a slave to use

>Baths to the right and bloodbaths to the left

>What

>well since there's no vampires here I'll just assume that bloodbaths is for those edgy elves out there

>I walk into a dimly lit room with purple lockers, white tiles and perfectly lacquered benches painted in the same color as the lockers

>A few steps in and I see a shower room.

>I turn on the shower and get my arm covered in liquid hepatitis

>I hear a loud thump from above me and another torrent of blood shoots from the shower head

>Oh God. They shower in the blood of their enemies and teammates

>I whip off the blood on my arm but the damage is done

>Now my arm is all sticky, like when you recycle old soda bottles

>While lamenting over my plethora of new diseases caught I suddenly remember what I have to do

>They must have a gas heater or something, the blood came out fresh so that means that it must be kept warm and flowing as to not coagulate

>I notice a door near the showers and open it up

>Bingo

>A water heater with a pipe labeled gas in common, must've enslaved a plumber or something

>I pull the gas pipe out and allow it to fills the air

>I sniff a bit and notice they didn't add that rotten egg smell to it

>That's a building violation right there

>Just as I prepare to leave I hear the excited laughing and yelling coming into the locker room

>The lockers are opened and slammed till a much harsher female voice breaks the laughter up

<"Now listen up ladies! We still got a game to win-"

<"But coach, it's 5-1. What hope do th-"

>I hear the sound of a shoe hitting someone's head

<"DID I FUCKING TELL YOU TO SPEAK YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF BOOTS AND HAIR DYE"

<"As I was saying. We still got a game to win, I don't want to just destroy them in points, I want to destroy their team, take them out of the season for good! So from this point on, I want all you gals to go for blood, to show these dirty humans what it means to be dominated, and if any survive… we'll be taking on no slaves tonight, besides the ones in the stands"

>They all start laughing again while sharpening their daggers and heels for the upcoming fatality

>I sheepishly open the door and duck down beneath the lockers while trying to sneak out

>Just then it hits me I need a cigarette and a light

>Luck strikes golden when I notice someone left their locker open and they an avid smoker

>Newports menthol flavoured

>I wouldn't expect anything else from these hussies

>I sneak outside without raising any alarm

>Time to do my magic

>I light the cigarette and stomp on the door

>It doesn't take long for a player to answer the door

<"My, oh my. A fan came here for an autograph? But didn't you see the sign? No fans allowed"

>She leans in close and whispers into my ear

<"But I think I can make an exception for you. Now let me go get the whip"

>Wow… I won't feel bad now

>I light the fag and toss it in

>Kaboom

>I get thrown against the wall from the resulting explosion and check to see if I still have my eyebrows.

>And I still do

>I jump up in excitement like the ending to an 80's movie

>>347473

>Sadly there is no freeze frame and credits

>Explosions continue to go off as the arena starts to rumble

>I sprint my ass back to the field where everyone is panicking and find my “comrades”

>Before I can even explain what’s going on, Drusala is already pointing her finger at me

<”What the fuck did you just do!?”

“I may have blown up the locker room for the dark elves and started a chain reaction”

>They all just stare at me in disbelief

“I think there’s lifeboats we can take to get out of here”

>We make our way to where everyone is fighting tooth and nail to escape onto a boat

>Luckily they’re mostly elves

>Me and Morathi easily cut a swathe in the crowd and the guards on the ship and commandeer a vessel

>It isn’t so much a lifeboat as a lifeship

>I cut the ropes and drop us into the water

>Making sure we have no stowaways we set sail to, get the fuck out of here town

>I look back one final time and see it go up just like the Death Star… both of them

>We made it out of the blast radius, but no one told us about the aftershock

>Waves pushed our vessel around like a shota in the girls locker room

>We hold onto whatever we can for dear life while the sea makes us her bitch

>The ship eventually crashes into a rocky shore tearing it’s hull up and sending us flying into the beach

>I get up and go to check the rest of my “comrades” are still kicking

>Sadly, yes

>Before I can even give the order to move out, Drusala starts to bitch me out

<”Are you fucking crazy!? You almost got us killed over the fact that your team wasn’t winning. What kind of petulant child are you. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah-”

>I tune her out and start inspecting the landscape

>It’s desolate and dead, as if ravaged by a war so brutal that the land never truly recovered it’s sundering

>This can’t be the northern wastes, it would be covered in snow if it was

>The trees are all dead and thick miasmic fog rolls through the forest

>I wait for Drusala to finish her rant and turn around

“Does anyone know where we are?”

<”And you got us lost too!? You know I wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t-”

>Velcisse interrupts her sis by choking her out

<”She might be my sister, but even I have my limits”

>She puts Drusala back onto her shoulder and we head off onto a pathway

>We eventually get tired and decide to set up camp for the night

>I take first watch and eventually get the need to take a leak

>While draining the lizard I feel a pain fill my cheek and an arrow embeds itself into the tree I’m leaning on

>I finish taking my piss and turn around

“Now who the fuck shoots an arrow at someone pissing?”

>Another arrow comes out of the darkness, this time going for my eye

>I duck out of the way and dive into some bushes

>The clouds move out of the way of the moon allowing me to see my assailant

>I see a figure clad in silver armor, a blue cloak and knife ears

>While in the bush I notice a rock by my feet

>It’ll have to do

>I spring out of the bush startling the elf while screaming “Wolverines”

>She lets the arrow fly in a random direction and I land the rock right between her eyes

>She still isn’t done as she just stands there going in and out of consciousness

>I quickly drop kick the bitch for giving me a new scar and take her back to camp

>I tie her up using her own cloak and start wondering what to do with her, when she wakes up

>I could just ask the questions myself, but considering how she says "Hello" she might be just a bit hostile

>I could just draw on her face to pass the time

>I could let the elf sisters handle one of their own,

>I could just kill her and take her shit, she's got a really nice sword and an actual shirt, granted it's not in my size. But my nipples have been continuously hard for the last couple of hours

1. Question her myself

2. Draw on her face

3. Let Velcisse and Drusala handle the questioning

4. Just murderhobo her and take her stuff

5. Suicide pact

>>347474

>I slap the elf-bitch awake and grab her by her cheeks

"Your aim is piss poor"

<"Untie me and let me try again then"

"Nice try but I fell for that one once"

"Now onto my favorite part: the questioning. Tell me where I am, do you have any friends and how to get out of here"

<"As if I would ever tell you anything, savage dog of the dark gods"

"First things first. I'm not a chaos worshiper… I just stole his clothes and… it's a long story-"

>She suddenly spits right into the wound on my face

>I wipe the blood and spit off then slap her face with my blood covered hand

"I guess we'll have to do this the hard way"

>I pull off her armor and throw her to the ground, then I rip off the back part of her shirt

<"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I HAVE A LOVER ALREADY!"

>Well I wasn't actually planning on doing that, but she just gave me some ammo

>I pull off the Nurgle iconography and human skulls on my belt, then toss most of them besides a metal buckle, with the mark of the Great Unclean One on it

>I keep a knee on her back as I put the metal buckle into the fire, pulling it out when it's red hot

>I bring it to her back and hold it close to her back, causing her to squirm

"I wonder what hubby would think if he found a brand of, one of the, dark Gods on your back?"

<"Y-you wouldn't…"

>I bring it even closer to bear

<"Fine, fine, fine! We have a guard tower just north-west of here…"

"That's a start. But how many of you are there?"

>I bring the makeshift brand closer to back once again

<"I-it's just me, my daughter and my husband out here, they can't hold any major garrisons without steady supply routes"

"And where the fuck are we?"

<"The Shadowlands…"

>She says it with mournful tone

>I've read about this place, got hit with a magical nuke. Most people call it the Cleveland of Ulthuan

>But now that I see it with my own two eyes… Cleveland is worse

>I drop her to the ground and untie her feet

"Lead me there"

>We walk through the dark forest while I keep an eye out for anymore elves in the mist

>Surprisingly she wasn't lying. We stand before a watch tower akin to more of a lighthouse in a sea of trees and fog

>I knock on the door and get no response

<"Let me"

>She knocks on the door in some sort of Morse code

>Wait a second. Morse code?

>The door swings open as a younger looking elf against the back wall lets an arrow fly

>Only to graze my captives eye, causing her to fall to the ground, screaming in pain

>A look of dread washes over the young elf's face as she stares at the one on the ground

>I pull the sword out of my captives scabbard and charge in, kicking open the door the rest of the way, causing a groan from where it would hit the wall

>The young elf dodges out of the way of my strike, but forgot to move her bow

>I cut the string making it turn on it master, cutting a bloody scar into her pristine face

>She falls to the ground in pain just like her, assumed, mother

>I turn around and see an older man wielding his own sword

>Suddenly a mysterious force fills me, compelling me to utter the word

"TRAITOR"

>I charge at him performing relentless blow after blow, putting him on his back foot trying to defend

>He tries to retaliate but I only keep my assault up cutting away at him

>He does one final last ditch effort of locking my blade with his, I shoulder check him into the wall and bring my sword overhead, ready to cleave him in twain

>When I bring down my blade he tries to pitifully block my strike, but goes through and cleaves into his shoulder, stopping when I reach his clavicle

>I check the bodies and see that they're all alive, I quickly tie them all up and toss then into the closest for family time

Rolled 7 (1d20)

>>347684

9.

Make an elaborate Wallace and Gromit type contraption to do 1, 3 and 5 at the same time. What could possibly go wrong?

Rolled 14 (1d20)

>>347683

Nobody expects the Empire's Witch Hunters!

Rolled 12 (1d20)

>>347699

This. We witch hunter now boys. Also 1 then 2.

>>347684

>Time to put my non-existent engineering skills to work

>I grab some wood from outside and use some rope to help with the tension

>I search around the house and find some toy cars, balls and dolls

>I find some nails and a hammer and with other shit I have in the kitchen I'll make the perfect Rube Goldberg machine

>Thirty minutes of half-assed work and I'm done

>I push the toy car down the ramp and it knocks over a broom, then the broom knocks over some dominoes that head down the stairs into the kitchen

>The dominoes get progressively bigger then turn on the stove and pressing one of those pancake dispensers, it automatically flips the pancakes every 45 seconds and pours more mix into the pan

>Some of the dominoes lead to another machine that tickles the nose of my comrades causing them to cover their face in whipped cream, then it pours warm water all over them

>Anyways back to the kitchen

>The flame from the stove burns a rope holding back the tension of a bow with an arrow knocked

>With nothing holding it back the bow lets loose the arrow- wait am I supposed to be standing in front of it?

>The arrow digs itself into my shoulder

>I pull it out and notice it's only a flesh wound

>Morathi, Velcisse and Drusala come into the kitchen practically fuming

>They only find me, with an arrow still stuck in my shoulder, and a stack of hot pancakes

<"Is that my bow?"

"Very astute of you, Vel, now fucking help me pull the arrow out"

<"How did you even-"

"It was all part of my plan. If I died, I don't have to deal with you guys"

>They all stare at me like I was a mad man

"Just shut up, sit down, and eat some pancakes. You fucks"

>We all pull up a chair and enjoy some hot pancakes

>While they comment on my cooking and how, surprisingly, good it is. Drusala has the need to integrate her shitty cooking tips into my masterpiece

<"You know… if these had some blueberries or chocolate chips these would be perfect"

"Fuck you, if you want chocolate chips so bad, you fatass, add them yourself"

<"Uhhhh… your bleeding over your pancakes…"

>I look down and see that wasn't raspberry jam

>I wipe my face of maple syrup and head upstairs to take a shower

>They don't even have a shower! Just some sort of shitty magical basin that is filled with filling hot water

>It doesn't seem to empty either, so that's double magic

>I take a bucket and pour it over myself washing off grease, blood, dirt, and other disgusting fluids

>At least they have soap, even if it's scented for girls

>Let's just hope no one notices I smell like peaches and cream

>I head downstairs with nothing but a towel, not that it changes much. I was shirtless for the last couple of hours

>I suddenly hear a knock at the door, just as I go to answer it I remember that I’m not an elf nor do I look like her husband

>I run upstairs grabbing some clothes from the daughter’s room and toss it to Drusala

“Answer the door for me”

<”Wha- won’t they know I’m a dark elf?”

“Of course not. You look just like any other elf here: pale, pissed-off, and bitchy”

>Drusala stares at me indignantly

“Just put the clothes on and pretend to be the owner’s daughter”

<”Fine”

>I hide to the side to make sure to coach Drusala, so she doesn’t say something retarded

>Well everytime she talks it’s something retarded, so I’m just trying to make it less retarded

>She opens the door and another man and elf in similar garb to the elf-bitch, and race traitor husband, from last night

<”How can I help you?”

>”Rosseinia? Where are your parents? I have to speak with them”

>Drusala looks to me

>I make one hand into an “O” shape and use my pointer finger to pierce it

>The universal hand signal of fucking

<”They’re uhhh… They’re currently in their bedroom”

>”Well wake them up!”

<”I don’t think you understand what they’re doing in there…”

>The man’s eyes go wide as he realizes

>”Oh…”

>He receives a quick slap on his forearm as his wife

<”I’m sorry, Rosseinia, about my husband. He can be quite dense sometimes. When your parents are… finished, tell them: that a host of chaos followers have landed, with the help of our cursed cousins. While their force has been much diminished from failed landings, bad weather and sea monsters, what is left is their elite units and commanders”

>Drusala nods her head and plays along

<”Thank you. I will tell my parents right away, when they are finished”

>Before she can shut the door, the elf at the door, puts her foot into the threshold

>>347970

<”Rosseinia… did you do something with your hair?”

>Drusala just stammers confused

<”Uhhhh, n-no”

<”Well it looks great nonetheless”

>With that they say their goodbyes and shut the door

“I got an idea-”

<”Like how it was your idea to blow up the black ark, or jump through the magic portal”

“No a better one. We could go and kill the leader of this war-party and I’ll claim it as my own and use them to cut a swathe to better waters then sail out”

>Morathi seem to nod in agreement with my plan

<”I quite like it. It’s been a while since we’ve killed some chaos warriors”

>I just stare at Morathi like you would stare at a hellhound would stare at a condom

<”Why are you looking at me like that? You blew up a black ark, killing countless people might I add”

>I shrug my shoulder

“Well you got a point there”

>Drusala has to break the fun with her own suggestion

<”Why don’t we just use these uniforms and just sneak out while they fight the invaders”

>Velcisse steps forward with a another Shadowlands elf uniform

<”I’m with my sister on this one”

“And here I thought you liked killing ‘scunners’”

<”I also like not poking the hornet's nest. Also catch”

>Velcisse hands me a uniform, that must’ve belonged to the father.

>I try it on, but it’s too small for me

>I could have an easier time putting on skinny jeans than this shit

“Let me go find one that isn’t in size 10”

>I head back upstairs looking through their closets, searching for clothes but find gold

>A set platemail armor fashioned in the style of the northern tribes

>I inspect it and see it’s just normal steel, heavy, strong, standard shit, with no overzealous iconography to the dark gods, besides the shield, which has the mark of chaos undivided, interesting there was an attempt at scratching out the mark

>Dad must’ve been an ex-chaos follower, as for why he kept it I don’t know, maybe to remind him of his roots or just plain ol’ nostalgia

>Though judging by the fact that he left the service of the dark brothers I would have to say he is from one of the more non-isolated non-crazy non-devout non-mutated/”blessed” tribes

>Which is real commodity up there

>I also find a set of Shadowlands armor that isn’t baby sized

>Pretty standard. Silver plate and blue cloak

>Feels light, and almost feels like I’m wearing nothing at all

>Well shit now I find myself at a crossroads

>Havel the Rock or that ninja in Darkroot Garden?

>Str or dex?

>Which armor should I take?

A. Str

B. Dex

>Not to mention which plan to go with

>I could just sneak out to the closest dock and steal a ship that way

>I could go and take down those invaders and maybe earn a ticket home and hopefully not have assassins from two elven races on my ass

>I could always take the easy way out

>What to do?

1. Jack Sparrow a ship

2. Go kick some chaos eunuch asses

3. This is my house now

4. KMS

Rolled 12 (1d20)

>>347971

Ain’t no way in hell were going dex fag, put all our points into str and go become the new Grand High Marshall of Chaos.

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>347971

B.

It'd look prettier, fashion souls man. Make sure to offload carrying stuff onto your comrades to keep equip load under 25%

2.

With your gammy arm you can go all Artorias on their arses!

>>347971

>I reach for the heavy platemail

>Putting on all the necessary padding chainmail before putting the actual plates on

>It weighs me down, not by much, as the weight is distributed around my body, but nonetheless it weighs me down

>I notice an animal fur hung by and wrap that around my back as a cape

>I then take up the shield and notice an axe behind it

>Well might as well complete the set

>Besides dex is for casuls anyways

>With that I head downstairs feet stomping as to get all my "comrades" to notice me senpai

>Drusala is the first to confront me over my choice of clothing

<"Are you serious? You stand out worse than a salamander in the middle of a blizzard, how are we going to sneak-"

"Chance of plans. We gonna go kick some ass and take some names"

>Morathi jumps up from the couch, wiping off lipstick that's covering her scaled parts

<"Thank you. They were trying to paint me to look like a red dragon with fucking lipstick and strawberries"

>I look to Velcisse who has a tube of lipstick and a cup of mushed strawberries in it

<"What? Do you have a better idea on how to paint a black dragon?"

>I just shake my head and open the front door

"Let's go"

>Surprisingly, Drusala is the only one who argues against my plan

<"Do you honestly think you can take on a war camp of champions to the dark gods? Vel, are you really going to go with this madman's plan?"

>Velcisse quickly turns around while tapping her bow

<"Who said I'm going down into the camp? I'm going to find a vantage point and just shoot scunners from there"

>I quickly grab the bow from my failed Rube Goldberg machine and toss her the bow

"There now you two can paint your toenails together, talk about boys and your yaoi fanfictions"

>Drusala takes the bow then scoffs at me

<"If you expect me to save your ass-"

"Yeah yeah yeah, I get it, 'I won't pull your ass from the fire'"

>We set out for the camp, but before I forget I run back into the house

>I quickly open the closet where I stashed the family, and see that they're still alive

"By the way. I never locked the door"

>The one eyed elf looks up to me

<"Wha-"

>I quickly slam the door and then locking it then unlocking it to make them wonder if I did this time

"Alright I'm done let's go"

<"What did you have to-"

"LET'S GO ALREADY"

>We walk back to the coast and travel north, up to the war camp

>We aren't assaulted by any more high-elves

>They're either too cowardly to attack us or they're at the camp already

>We walk and walk till it comes into view

>A coast of ship wreaked longboats with walls made out of subsequent wreckage

>Velcisse and Drusala quickly notice a crag over looking the camp

>Something tells me these leaders weren't chosen for being the smartest

>I mean, I guess it does save you the trouble of having to build another wall, but when you're facing pansy elves who don't know what melee combat is…

>Me and Morathi stand before the gate lined with bones and skulls

>Do they carry bleached skeletons wherever they go? How else do they have perfectly white bones everywhere

"OPEN UP YOU FAGS. OR I'LL OPEN UP YOUR ASSES WITH MY FOOT"

>The gate actually opens

>Two emaciated slaves pull some chains opening up the gate

>Well someone getting fired tonight… or flayed

>We stomp into the camp, tents are lined up, what little force they have left is tanning hides and sharpening their weapons

>We could go by unfettered… but that would be boring

>Look to Morathi and hold out my arm

"Ladies first"

>Morathi cracks her knuckles and grabs the nearest warrior by his leg and starts beating a motherfucker with another motherfucker

>It doesn't take long for our escapades to get noticed

>A coal black centaur rides in

>She wears metal barding to cover her horse part, dark blue armor with golden flame and trim cover her human part and she's wielding a halberd with

>She has bone-spike growths protruding from her knees, her skin is just like a hellhound's with the same kind of unkempt black hair

>Multiple scars plaster her face, an extra eye above her right, not unlike an arachne, one glows a hellish orange. I guess helmets are for cowards, eh?

>Though the funniest thing is that she's flat chested, and it ain't her armor covering her breasts cause mine has more room than her's. Guess the dark Gods didn't bless her with C cup

>>348275

>Morathi just ignores the galloping glue bottle in waiting, and keeps on dragging people out of their tents and beating them

<"Another pair of traitors and another two sacrifices to the Lord of Change"

>She charges at me halberd lowered to impale me, but I manage to block the blow

>She turns around and charges me again only for me to block it again

>She doesn't seem to slow down or tire

>I notice a man made island surround by the stench of death

>I got an idea

>I head into a small clearing with pits filled with impaled bodies of slaves and anyone else they got their hands on

>She tries to charge me again but notices the drop and kicks up onto her hind legs

>I slash at her leg causing her slip into the pit only halfway, leaving her upper body clinging on

>I wave goodbye to her as I step away

<"YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME HERE!"

>She's right, I can't just leave her hanging

>I turn around and start sprinting at her

<"No… NO! STOP"

>I kick her like kicking a football sending her into the pit

>I make my way back to Morathi who is sitting on top of a horde of broken and bloodied bodies, some of them aren't even dead yet…

"I'll take it you had fun?"

<"It's a surprisingly good stress relief to-"

>A valkyrie, clad in red and brass armor with hooves instead of feet, blindsides Morathi

>I laugh at her while the valkyrie is yelling something about blood and periods and shit

>I hear a whooshing noise behind me, causing me to turn around and block a blow from some savage with similar markings to the valkyrie and a lack of body armor or shirt for that matter

>What kind of retard doesn't wear a shirt but wears a helmet- well, that was a disguise so that doesn't count

>Anyways it doesn't matter I swing out at him with my axe cutting a deep wound into his body

>But through his frenzy he doesn't even register it and continues to deliver blow after blow

>He reels back preparing to deliver a blow that will sunder my defense

>But I guess he never took combat 101: never leave yourself open to an attack. I know I do it to, but I do it for the rule of cool

>I charge forward sending off balance and onto the ground with my shield, while he's on the ground I slash at his arm cutting the tendons making him lose his grip and stomp on the other breaking his arm, rendering it useless

>Just as I prepare to finish him an arrow goes through his visor headshotting him

>I look up and see Velcisse waving at me as she takes more shots at enemies deeper in the camp

>I don't know whether to be angry or impressed

>I just be angry because she stole my kill

>I look back and see Morathi is struggling with her foe

>Whenever she goes to cut the valkyrie she either blocks the blow or dodges it

>An arrow his the corrupted valkyrie causing her to lose focus on her opponent and glare daggers at our snipers

>The valkyrie, ready to teach some pansy elves the meaning of close combat, forgets about the dragon next to her

>Morathi grabs the valkyrie by her leg and brings her crashing down into the earth, she then stabs her claws through the hand that holds the spears and wraps her claws around the one holding the shield

>Forcing the valkyrie to her knees, Morathi breathes out a gout of noxious gas. When the gas clears all that's left is a skull

"Woah… fatality"

>Morathi turns to me, covered in blood that's not all her own

<"As I was saying. It's good stress relief to let your pent up anger out"

>Well she's got a point there, I do feel quite relaxed… besides the feeling of finding a sword or axe at my throat

"Well let's get a move on. The rest of them camp ain't gonna kill itself"

>We fight through regular chaff and fanatical followers of the dark Gods

>We come across another gate, this one sealed with another gate, this one wooden with dead bodies nailed to it

>Seriously they couldn't have been here longer than a day, where did they get all these dead bodies anyway?

>While working a way to open the gate, it starts to tremble

>Suddenly a chaos dragon bursts through the gate, twisted and corrupted by the forces of change, it has two heads, well more like one but split in two, with one head avian in nature with a beak and one of it's wings covered in feathers, and the other head more draconic with sending out sputtering flames with each breath

>ThisIsGettingOutOfHand.jpg

>On it's back is a figure in black chaos plate, a sword of flames and a helmet with 3 eyes and dark script written over it

>I look to Morathi and lift my helmet so she can see my face

"We. Are. FUCKED"

<"It's not that bad-"

>The chaos dragon swiped Morathi away like trash and turns its eyes to me

>It reels its dragon head back and breathes a torrent of flame

>I kneel and hide behind my shield. When the chaos dragon stops its attack I see my shield is red hot and warping from the heat

>>348276

>Shit

>It starts chomp at me with both its heads

>I hear another roar behind me as I turn around I see a black dragon, must be Morathi, I remember something about some species of monsters being able to turn back to their original form

>Morathi charges forward, almost flattening me in the process, and bites, one of, the necks to the chaos dragon

>I watch as the other head bites down on Morathi's neck, giving her the hicky of a lifetime

>Just then the black armored figure climbs up from the chaos dragon's back to decapitate Morathi itself

>I spring into action, no longer weighed down by the shield I tackle the armor clad figure and see… he's smaller than me, I thought the exalted grand marshal of the apocalypse would be a bit… taller

>I swing my axe at him clocking him in the head and breaking a horn from his helmet

>But he manages to line his flaming sword up to my abdomen, I jump off him in time. Only to be met with the talons of the chaos dragon, who flings me into a tent filled with chaos worshiping lizard(wo)men playing strip poker

"Denegerate…"

>I get up and kick down the tent to spite them and sprint back to the battle

>Morathi is now held down by both heads of the chaos dragon while the "exalted grand marshal of whatever" prepares to execute her

>I slide into the area where the heads split and deliver a ruthless axe blow to the tender flesh, causing the beast to roar in pain and let go of Morathi and letting her swiped aside the minuscule knight

>The two(three?) dragons go back to fighting each other using their teeth, claws, breath, and tails to wound the other

>I turn my attention to the grand marshal and notice the he is a she?

>Half her armor and helmet are torn off revealing pale and bloodied alabaster skin, hair as black as the night sky and an eye burning with rage

>She looks a little young too. Most probably due to some warp fuckery and flow of time and all that shit

>She probably has the "vampire syndrome" where if you turn into a vampire young you're stuck as a loli forever

>Not that she is vampire but… you know magic bullshit

>Putting aside such thoughts I charge the cunt and swing my axe at her unarmed parts, causing her to parry my blows or risk taking a lethal hit

>I plow away at her defense, spamming r1, till I feel exhausted and my arms start to hurt

>Fucking knew I shoulda leveled endurance more

>She delivers a swipe to my armor, cutting right through it like a hot knife through butter

>I feel the cut and the burning sensation across my abdomen

>Luckily my my entrails are still inside

>I put away the pain and try to go back onto the attack, but she beats me to it

>I left trying to parry blows from a molten blade, each strike weakening my axe till it finally gives way to her sword, splitting in half rendering it useless

>While she's focused on the axe splitting I tackle her again wrestling for the blade

>I grab the pommel while she still has a hand hear the guard

>We roll on the ground pushing one another and fighting for control over the sword

>The dragons seem to tire as well devolving into crocodiles fighting one another, biting, rolling, clawing

>We stagger back to our feet from the ground and bump into the two exhausted dragons

>I see the chaos cunt stare at Morathi's underside and jerk the sword towards it, causing a huge slash to appear and a roar of pain from her

>She tries again to line up the blade but I push back against her and us my shoulder to push the tip of the blade towards the sky

>Tired and seeing the blade is still aimed at Morathi I use my face to push the sword

>My helmet starts to melt along the edge of the blade as it drives closer to my face

>I push forward the rest of the way as the chosen of the gods pushes the blade up cutting my face, leaving a vertical scar on my face, an arrow seems to find itself in the destroyers shoulder causing her to yell in pain and pull the sword from my face

>Fueled by adrenaline and the scorching pain I kick her off balance and headbutt the part of her unprotected head

>This sends her to the ground letting go of the blade

>I quickly turn around and stab it into the chaos dragon's chest

>A weak roar escapes the beasts mouths as it a magical puff of smoke blinds me

>When I look back I see Morathi is back to her monster girl form, with a whole slew of new scars, especially a burn/cut scar along her stomach and part of her chest

>The chaos dragon also seems to have turned back into her monster girl form. She looks just like a normal dragon, besides the madness colored scales, the harpy like wing and talon, the fact that her head has a cut right down the middle and… okay she isn't really that much like a dragon

>I didn't even think they had one, why would she change back anyway?

>>348278

>I get my hands off my knees and stand up straight

>Cracking my neck I lean over and swipe the blade

>She's doesn't even notice, due to her grieving

>Well it isn't whispering to me… yet

>I sheathe the sword and hope it doesn't light my belt on fire

>I pat Morathi on the back and tell her that she did good

>I throw her arm over my shoulder as I help carry her out

>I also make sure to give Velcisse and Drusala the signal to met us near the entrance and to leave the effeminate everchosen alone

>Come to think of it, how the fuck are they everchosen if the instant they die none of the chaos Gods bother to resurrect them. Hell, half the time they die to getting betrayed by their allies

>Ehhh, forget it. The Gods can play their own game and scheme, the more I think about it the more it hurts

>While carrying Morathi she taps my shoulder

<"So… why'd you leave her?"

"I'm not heartless. Besides there's probably a bunch of elves outside ready to storm the camp, and maybe she'll buy us some time"

<"What about those innocents on the black ark?"

"Those were mostly elves and elves don't count as people"

>She raises one eyebrow while looking quite confused

<"I guess that's a way to look at it…"

>An awkward silence fills the air while

<"What about the sword?"

"Well, I need a souvenir to commemorate my victory"

<"You mean our victory"

"Well if you want a souvenir, you're welcome to take the head of the dragon I killed"

<"Yes after I weakened her for you to simply stab her"

>We argue about who is entitled to the glory of this victory

>We eventually settle on splitting the glory 50/50

>We find another exit near the coast and travel along the beach avoid detection from the op4

>By the time we reach the entrance the high elves and their husbandos are storming the camp

>I hear a loud explosion as everyone groans

>"GODDAMMIT FUZE NOT AGAIN"

>"What? They weren't hostages, they were slaves"

>We ignore the arguing and insults coming from the camp and find Velcisse and Drusala standing out front

<"Well aren't you two cute together~"

"Fuck you. Now let's go, I don't wanna die from infection on account of my wounds"

>With help from Velcisse we both carry Morathi from the coast and into a forest path

>I look to Drusala, whistling to grab her attention

"So where the Hell are we heading?"

<"There's a ruined city just east of here"

"And how will that help us get the fuck off this God forsaken archipelago"

<"If you would let me finish. We saw a druchii scouting vessel moored by the coast, and after persuading some high elves to tell us about the area, we found out it's Tor Anlec, a repeated staging ground for druchii invasions of Ulthuan"

"And were going to steal it?"

<"Bingo"

"What about food?"

<"It should have enough larder for more than a couple of weeks, granted I'm sure half the food is meant for the slaves they capture… but as long as we ration, we wont have to resort to eating gruel"

>We make our way through the forest limping and dragging our feet and eventually reach a clearing

>The ground is cracked and ashen, the castle looks like it's been rebuilt then torn down repeatedly, and I swear I'm getting magical cancer from just being here

>We spot the ship and quickly drag our asses over there and praying that no one notices us, because if they do, the closet object to block arrows with is my ass, on the account of wearing platemail, and I would much rather not get used as a sandbag

>We reach the coast and quickly board the ship

>It's surprisingly small with only one cage for captive, not that I wouldn't think them to stuff it full like p'orc stuffs her gullet

>I set down Morathi into the captains quarters, so that she doesn't fall over, from her injuries, and break the deck

>I cut the rope tying us to the coast and raise the anchor, while Velcisse and Drusala lower the sails

>I turn the wheel and do a 180

<"HEY"

>I look over and see the original occupants of the ship, slinging bolts and curse words at us

>I laugh at them while most of their bolts just hit the ship or just harmlessly plink off my armor

>I suddenly hear the sound of wings flapping and autistic screeching

>I look up and see a black feathered harpy dive bombing me

>She tries to pick me up but… the armor is somewhere around 100 lbs not mention I weigh like 190, add that with the fact harpies are not exceptionally strong…

>I anchor her to the ground and since she's going full force forward. She hits the guardrail knocking herself out

>We all look at each other, then begin laughing all the way into open waters

>We throw the kamikaze harpy into the slave cage and eat some dried cranberries they had stocked

>We head down into the captain's quarters and read the map and compass

Rolled 18 (1d20)

>>348585

6. Hop in and breathe deep. Let's see what the Chaos gods do with us. Or we go to Hysh.

>>348603

>It finally fucking happened

Took longer than I thought it would have. Pay attention now lads, cause this is when the story gets fun.

>>348585

>I look at the cold water and stare into it

>It's nothing but cold blackness down there

>Just like Noki Bay

>I feel the call of the void, telling me to jump in

>I believe there's a German word to describe this feeling…

>I almost do it but realize that jumping in would be fucking retarded

>I turn back to my two man crew

"Ready your blades, lads"

>Velcisse and Drusala look to each other then back to me

<"You do know were both women right?"

"Are you?"

<"Yes… we are"

"Are you?"

<"Where are you going with this?"

"Are you?"

>They turn away from me dismissively and ready their bows, arrows and swords

>I set the ship to intercept the high elf boat at an angle and run down below

>I take the giant ballistas they set up below and load a bolt with a chain welded onto it

>We we get close enough I run down the line firing each ballista piercing the other boat's hull and tethering us together

>I sprint back upstairs the crew on the other ship is quickly running around readying themselves for battle

"Make sure to leave at least the captain alive, we need someone to read the map after all"

>Velcisse and Drusala nod

>We all grab some rope and Tarzan onto different parts of the boat

>I swing onto the quarterdeck while Drusala and Velcisse swing onto the bow

>I kick the man steering the ship and jump onto the rail grabbing everyone's attention

"You know what I see here?"

>Everyone just stares at me

"A bunch of slack jawed faggots and race traitors"

>I elbow drop the helmsman and unsheathe my new (possibly chaos corrupted) sword

>Some race traitor faggot tries to run me through with his spear, but quickly pussies out and blocks when I bring my sword overhead

>The sword cuts through his shield like a kiki cuts through a shoggoth

>And it also cuts off his forearm

>He falls to his knees and starts screaming in pain

>What a pussy

>Everyone turns to me and the source of the screaming

>Which leave the two elves they just ignored to spinal tap them

>I jump over the rail and start cleaving into the sailors

>I cut the leg off the first sailor and stab him while he's down

>The next sailor to face my wrath has the gall to dodge my downward strike, I use the momentum from the missed slash and do a figure eight and rest the sword on my forearm

>I stab forward piercing him through his stomach and send his body overboard

>Maybe he'll meet a nice mer-shark

>Having that feeling that someone is behind me, I swing my sword while turning around and hit an elf, cutting only through half of her stomach

>She looks at me with tears in her eyes with an expression of rage

>Must've killed her hubby or some shit

>I pull the sword out, line the edge up with her neck and draw

>Her head falls off so fast you'd mistake her for a dullahan

>I turn to the rest of the-

>A shield hits my helmet knocking me to the ground as a foot plants itself on my chest

>When my ears stop ringing and I can focus, I notice a spear lined up to my visor

>I jerk my head at the last moment avoiding the usage of an eye patch but gained a new scar on my right eyebrow in the process

>Fueled by fury I cut the spear and stab the sword into the back of the mans knee and twist

>He falls down holding his wound while howling in pain

>I stand up and ignoring any more sailors and jam the sword right below his chest and into his diaphragm, pinning him to the ground

>I delve the sword deeper till the guard touches his him. I tear off his helmet and see a grizzled veteran with no fear in his eyes

>I want to break him… not his spirit his face. I begin beating down on him speeding up with each punch, feeling his jaw break and collapse in on itself

>By the time he finally bleeds out his face is a red splotch on the deck

>When I tear the sword out of him and the deck I look up and see horror on everyone's faces

>They must've been to afraid to act

>I charge them cowering sailors and cut the first one diagonally, exposing his guts to the deck and covering his crew members in it

>I look to what's left of the crew and see them on their hands and knees begging

>I brandish my sword and have some voice in the back of my head urging me to do it

>To "Give into my anger" and "Let the hate flow through me"

>I quickly shake my head realizing what I had just done

>I can't enjoy killing, it has to be done righteously- okay maybe this isn't righteous but I definitely have to treat it like a chore, like mowing the lawn

>I give orders to Velcisse and Drusala

"Tie up the captives. I'll go after the captain"

>I cut the hatch to the lower decks open and start looking around

>Pretty much the same type of boat as ours, besides being a little bigger

>And the captains quarters should be right back here

>I cut an Z into the door and kick it down

"Haha! It is I El Zor-"

>>348650

>I smile devilishly and nod at Velcisse

"Sure thing, mom"

>I take the sword out and grab it by the blade with one hand and the hilt with the other

>I raise it above my head break the sword just like Bane broke the Bat

>Wait I wanted to only pretend to break it

>An explosion of fire and magic sends both of us flying and singeing the wood

>When I wipe the soot and sulfur from my eyes, I look up to see a daemon or demon or whatever, it's like colour and color. Same difference

>She looks different from normal daemons dedicated to the dark Gods

>Her skin is blue, sclera black and her eyes glow a hellish red

>Horns, pointed ears and a skimpy outfit to compliment her tall an slender body

>Velcisse is staring daggers at me

"What!? You said to get rid of it…"

<"Not like that, you stupid-"

>Just then the daemon lets out a lecherous moan, while stretching erotically

>She notices me and quickly pulls me to my feet, dusting off the ash and cinders from me, and holds my helmet forcing me to stare into her eyes

>She then pulls me into a bone crushing hug, forcing my head into her bosom and lifting me off the ground and spinning like a merry-go-round

<"THANK YOU, THANK YOU,THANK YOU, THANK YOU"

>I let out a groan signaling that my spine is bending in a way that it shouldn't, in hopes that she would let me go

<"I'm sorry my love, but I can't wait another moment. We can finally consummate our contract, Vangael"

>Who the fuck is Vangael?

>She princess carries me into a room, throws me onto the cot and starts to fiddle with my belt buckle

"W-wait, I think you have me mistaken with someone. I'm not this 'Vangael' you speak of"

>She looks at me like I just told her that plural of moose is meese

<"But-"

>She stares at me intently, not so much at me as if she was staring into me

<"But… your soul is just like his. How could you not be him?"

>She gives me the puppy dog look

>Wait, a second…

"When you say Vangael, do you mean the everchosen?"

>Her eyes perk up as if I might be recalling my past or something, which I'm only recalling history class

<"Yes, the second everchosen by the chaos Gods, I signed a pact with you centuries ago which promised me your soul and body in marriage"

>She starts to fiddle with my belt again and manages to undo it pulling my pants down

>I hold onto my underwear and grab her attention again

"Then how about I show you I'm not him!"

>I move one hand up to remove my helmet only for the daemon to push it back down

<"I-I-I don't need to see your face Vangael, I know it's y-you in my h-heart"

>I brush her hands off me and remove my helmet

>She seems to accept this and let the sadness that she'll never see her lover again wash over her

>She silently sobs, letting her tears run into the bed before wiping her tears and looking back up to me

>Her expression changes from despair to astonishment

>She just stares at me for a what feels like an eternity, it gets even weirder when her eye starts twitching

<"You-you look just like him…"

>Her demonic claws, that were resting on her thighs, start clenching tighter and tighter till black ichor starts flowing out from her wounds

<"B-but, you're not him…"

>She is hyperventilating and clenching her teeth, just like someone told her that her insurance wont cover it

<"No it can't be, I refuse to believe he would do that to me…"

>She picks off a scab of one of my many new scars and lets the blood run down my face

>She lets some blood build up on her finger then places it on her tongue

<"You have his b-blood"

>She quickly grabs me by the breastplate and lifts me up, slamming me against the wall

>>348816

<"THAT BASTARD CHEATED ON ME"

>Rage fills her voice as she yells about my supposed ancestor

<"EVERY BATTLE HE WON, EVERY CHALLENGER TO HIS TITLE KILLED, EVERY LAND CONQUERED. HE WOULD'VE NEVER GOTTEN THAT FAR WITHOUT ME"

<"I GAVE HIM EVERYTHING AND ALL I ASKED IN RETURN WAS FOR HIS LOVE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE DOES IN RETURN? HE RUNS OFF WITH SOME WHORE AND LEAVES ME IN THAT FORSAKEN BLADE FOR EIGHT-HUNDRED SIXTY-SEVEN YEARS"

<"HOW COULD HE?"

<"How could he…"

>Her rant falls into sobbing as she lets me down

>I take this as the signal to gtfo and-

<"Where do you think you're going? I might never get the chance with him again, but you will do"

>She shoves me against the wall again and starts to fondle my crotch

>BAD TOUCH

>I try to push her off, but her hands have claws, and well… I don't wanna know how a circumcision feels

>Shit I gotta think of way out of this fucking mess

>While she is confounded by my compression shorts and why they're so tight, some ideas float up

>I could always say I love someone else, and hope that a little sliver of humanity is left in her that doesn't want to perpetuate NTR course I'm probably going to have to give a name

>I could try to make a break for it and try to put the sword back together and put her back into the sword

>I could just fuck her, she's probably got the worst case of blue ovaries since a water elemental, and every part of them is blue

>I could just pray and hope some deity finds me worthy, course the dark Gods might be watching

>Killing myself could be an option, but considering she's a daemon she might not let me off that easy

>What to do?

1. I have a girlfriend

2. Into the sword you go

3. Do I have to take my pants off again?

4. Pray for deliverance

5. Suicide is painless

Rolled 16 (1d20)

>>348817

>Play as righteous paladin

>Cleave in two and dismember most monster thots he comes across

>Even treats the monsters he does companion

with like shit

>Suddenly popularwaifu#327.jpg appears and wants his dick

>Everyone votes to have a 180 degree character shift so he can dick the demon

I vote for 4. Pray to the God of Man for power and righteousness. And then tell this demon to

BEGONE THOT

>>348817

>God fucking dammit

>Leave it to my fucking supposed ancestor on blue overying some daemon and letting his decedent to fix his mistake

>I grab her wrist, pull her hand off my junk then shove her onto the bed

>I start undressing the rest of my armor

"You better be fucking naked by the time I'm done taking off this shit or I'm going Brokeback Mountain on your ass"

>I take remove my armor, let it hit the wooden floor and turn to see that she's somehow fumbling with her fucking immodest bikini

>Looks like I truly have to do everything

>I walk over and snap that spaghetti string straps like… uhhhh… spaghetti

>Finished comparing her clothing to pasta noodles, I shove her onto the bed

<"D-don't you t-think we're moving, a bit, t-too fast?"

>I let out a hearty chuckle and look back to her

"No"

>I move a hand down to her crotch to get her ready, but notice that she's fucking wetter than a mermaid reading Romeo and Juliet

>I bring myself to full mast and line myself up to her honey pot

>I take a deep breath and look her right in the eyes before I put it in

>And… she's staring at our crotches like a cervitaur stares at a car's headlights

"Why are you looking at it like that?"

>She snaps out of her trance and blinks a couple of times before looking me in the eyes again

<"I'm sorry, it's just that… it's my first time"

"What? Speak the fuck up"

<"I said it's my first time"

>She turns her head away to avoid looking at me

>Well I might as well make her feel better

>I turn her head to face mine, quickly plant a kiss on her lips and whisper into her ear

"It's my first time too"

>Her face goes red as she tries to avoid eye contact with me

>I eventually get impatient and just stick it in

>I feel a bolt of unholy pleasure course through my body

>She tightens up and quickly uses her hands to cover her face

>And judging from her reaction she felt one too… or pain from losing her virginity

>I decide to go gently as possible, but not to gentle cause I ain't bitch made and she ain't either. Or at least she shouldn't be, she's a daemon for Christ's sake

>Both of us get into the rhythm of it and start enjoying it more and more

>She starts letting out cute moans and I keep as silent as Anne Frank and the rest of der jude. If there is one thing I hate in the world than anything else it's when the fucking guy in the porno can't keep his fucking mouth shut for five minutes

>Driven by my anger over how many times my boner was ruined by a guy moaning, and the scarcity of lesbo porn, I start to pump her faster and harder

>She clasps her hands even tighter, in an attempt at covering her shame

>Well, we can't have that can we?

>I grab her wrists and quickly pin them to the bed, letting me lock eyes with her once more

>She tries to keep her poker face on, tears well up in her eyes but she manages to hold them back, till I whisper the magic words

"I love you"

>Like a dam breaking she lets her tears flow freely as she wraps her embraces me with her arms

>Now this is passionate lovemaking in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation

>Wait a second. I'm not ready to be a dad

>Note to self: pull out

>I feel myself getting close to cumming, and I guess she is too

>I stop and start pulling out

>All of a sudden, she moves her hands from my back and starts to run her hands through my hair and over my scars

>Tears run down her face again, but these one aren't one of pleasure or happiness

<"I-I'm sorry…"

"For what?"

<"For making you give up your first time with some old and forgotten daemon, when you should've saved it for the woman you loved. I-if you hate me for it… I-I understand"

>HNNNNNNNNNG

>I wipe away her tears and plant a kiss on her forhead

"If I didn't want to do this, I would've made a run for it, or in the very least let you be on top"

<"W-what do you mean?"

"What I'm trying to say is, the exact same thing as earlier. I love you and I always will"

>HeartsForPupils.jpg

>She quickly pulls me into a French kiss and wraps her legs around my waist, locking us together

>Wait what?

<"You sure know how to make an old daemon feel young again"

>I feel it start to bubble back up and with no way to pull out I let myself cum inside her

>Ecstasy washes over us as we both finish at the same time

>I unceremoniously get off of her and take the spot, in the bed, laying beside her

<"That was… amazing. Thank-"

>I place finger on her mouth and shush her

"Ready for round two?"

<"But, we just did it…"

>The first time I've ever heard of a monster not forcing or eagerly accepting a second go at it

"But I have jerked off in a couple of weeks, so I'm pent and I'm sure you are too"

>She lays there for a second, then quickly gets on top of me, bring my cock back to life

<"I'll take the lead this time, if you don't mind"

"Not at all"

>>349318

>We spend the rest of the night passionately making love and holding hands

>By the time morning rolls around is the time we finally finish exhausted, sweat and covered in love juices

>I let her doze off and get up dressing myself and head out

>I notice Velcisse laying in a hammock, eyes wide open and bloodshot

"Uhhhhh, you alright?"

<"You mean besides a sleepless night of hearing wet slapping sounds and moans?"

"Well if you helped-"

<"You think I didn't try? I went to go get Drusala and by the time we got back- well you know"

"Well, uh, get some sleep…"

>Strange I thought she would be more against the whole I just fucked a daemon thing

>Guess she's too tired and traumatized from last night to care

>I head up to the deck and notice were anchored and near an icy shore, worst yet were frozen in. Can't sail out

>I notice a few things right away, such as: THAT LITTLE CUNT HAS RUN AWAY and IS THAT RETARD TRYING TO MAKE A FIRE WITH WET WOOD? and IS HE FUCKING TALKING TO THE LOCALS?

>I clench the wood on the rails so hard it snaps as I jump it and start sprinting toward his ass

>I stop along the way and notice an axe embedded, well more like cleaved, into a rock with a shield hanging off the handle

>Upon closer inspection, I notice the shield has an 8 point circle, not unlike those of chaos undivided

>Worst yet I recognize this insignia. It's that of the Aeslings, the hardest motherfuckers to grace this Godforsaken realm

>I take the axe and start running at the little shit, for not only betraying us, but for being this retarded at to land here

>I come up the little threesome they have set up here

>It's him, the betrayer, and two Aesling whores

>I'd have half a mind to execute them all, if it wasn't for the tribeswomen hilarious accent

>They seem to be giving him tips on starting a fire, that quickly goes into other ways of staying warm

>I quickly introduce myself by backhanding the shit out of the little shit and telling them he's my slave

>Surprised by my show of force they quickly turn around and speak something in their dirty tribal tongue

>I mean I could translate it if I was given enough time, due to it's basis in dark tongue, but they're speaking to fast and it's some sort of tribal variant that I don't know

>They turn back around and offer to buy him from me and that they'll let me name the price

>Well I could really ask for anything reasonable

>I could maybe ask them to sail us home

>I could ask to be taken to their village, no doubt taking a literal daemon with me will probably hail me as a champion or some shit, and they might even throw a feast, and these tribals always have the freshest meat, goat/sheep cheese and coziest wool blankets. Course most of the stock is mutate though…

>I could just kill them and make a warpath to the chaos wastes, it's like a stones throw away

>I could always ask for girl scout cookies. Those little thots come up here every fucking summer and practice survival skills, can't forget the addictive cookies they sell to these tribes, like crack dealers in a bad neighborhood

>I could just die

1. Take Me Home, Country Roads

2. Be a showoff

3. Next stop chaotic evil

4. Snort girl scout cookies

5. Just die

Option 1

we sell the shota for directions

Rolled 15 (1d20)

This is great, you always create and write the cutest girls.

Rolling for >>349349

>>349654

yesssss

>>349319

>Suddenly I realize I have a daemon on my ship

>And that these fuckers practically worship them, as chosen of the gods

"Wait here"

>I take the shota back with me, to make sure they don't steal his ass like the snow niggers they are, and kick open the door to where the daemon is

>I see she's awake and is making the bed, giving me a view of that sweet ass

<"Hey lover~ Last night was great, we should do it again tonight"

"Yeah… it sure was great… babe"

>Come to think of it, I never got her name

"So… you got a name or?"

<"My oh my. Taking a woman's virginity before even getting her name, you are a cruel one"

"Well you never got my name either. (Not like you would use it, no one ever fucking does)"

<"Well, you can call me Sindria. But something tells me you didn't just come here for my name"

"Bingo. Wanna go into a Norscan village and party or some shit?"

<"It's not like there's much else to do on this ship anyways. Sure, let's go"

>I make a quick stop at the cot where Velcisse is sleeping, only to see she's passed the fuck out

>I poke her face and till she stirs away and gives me that "It's fucking 2:00 AM what the fuck do you want" look, despite it not being 2:00 AM

"Do you wanna go into a Norscan village with me and party or some shit?"

<"Fuck off"

"Fine geez. Cunt"

>I shut the door and notice Drusala sitting at the dinning table eating Nutella and watching Netflix on her phone

>Now wait a fucking moment here

"Where the fuck did you get that Nutella? I didn't find anything besides dried fruits, cured meats and NTR hentai"

<"It's pronounced Noo-tella. And I found it behind the stack of NTR labeled 'Handholding NTR'"

"And the Netflix?"

<"It's not my phone, old occupants left it unlocked and they have service all the way out here"

"How!?"

<"Magic"

>Man fuck this

"Forget it. You wanna come to the village and party or some shit?"

<"Hmmmm. Nah, I got to catch up on this season of Stranger Things"

>Stranger Things

>I instantly turn around and escape her shit taste in shows, and to ask if Morathi wants to come

>I barge into the captains quarters and see she has not died of infection or blood loss, despite us never giving her any medical treatment

"Hey, Morathi! Wanna come get wasted and fuck up a Norscan village?"

>She jumps out of the bed, cracks her neck and stretches her arms out

>I also notice that most of the smaller wounds seemed to have healed over, while the larger wounds are just starting to close up

<"Sounds fun, let me just get some clothes on"

>She goes to a trunk and pulls out some winter clothing: a sweater, scarf, sweatpants, toque, and a hoodie

>Judging from the fact everything is black and it has the logo of the Naggaroth Nightmares on it, I have to say it belonged to the old captain

"How'd you find clothes that accommodate your wings, tail and horns?"

>She looks at me, confused, fitting the sweater on then takes it back off and rips two holes for her wings

<"I didn't"

>I shrug my shoulders, leave for the hatch to the deck and wait for her to finish dressing

>It doesn't take long for her to hurry up with us

<"Hey, who's the old lady? And what's with the kid?"

>I can hear Sindria grit her teeth at the mention of "Old lady"

"She's a daemon, and he's a slave"

<"Mhm… 'kay"

"I'd thought you'd be more surprised at the fact that we have a daemon now"

<"With the way this adventure has been going I'd be more surprised if we didn't have a daemon with us now"

>She seems to spit a bit of venom with that sentence

>With that we finish trudging through the snow and reach our Norscan hosts

>I quickly whisper to Sindria

"Hey,can you intimidate them to take us back to their village?"

<"Piece of cake"

<"Ahem. I Sindria: Herald of the Dark Gods, Daemon Princess of Chaos Undivided, the Reaper of the Northern Tribes, yadda, yadda, yadda… Take us to your village and have a feast prepared for these champions of the Chaos Gods. Or you will feel my wrath!"

>>349826

>Despite the delivery, they're shaking in their boots - not from being practically naked out in the snow either - I guess Norscans really do fear the Gods

>One of the tribeswomen run ahead, cutting through the woods, while the other leads us along a beaten path to her village

>We silently go to the village, Morathi freezing even though she's fully clothed, I'm feeling cozy due to the fur lined armor and not being cold blooded and Sindria is just enjoying the beauty of the land

>We eventually reach the village, marked by a gate with two wooden serpent heads, after having to stop for me to sign my name in the snow

>It's what you would expect from a common inland village

>Houses made from boats (I guess recycling is cool or something), pens for the sheep and rams some of which sport mutations of some kind, and… hot water spring?

>We are instantly led to the main hall, the biggest house with the biggest boat roof

>A burly man encased in chaos plate with many skulls roped to his cloak and many more notched on his axe

>The strangest thing about him though is not the fact that his belt has a moving eyeball in it, but the fact that he has a perfectly normal kikimora next to him, nary a mutation or a scar

>Beyond the rest of the servants/slaves, who all happen to be some of the more fierce monsters: manticores, hellhounds, minotaurs, ushi-onis, etc.. no one is here, besides us and our hosts

>We take our seat and a banquet of food comes out

>Holy shit, they didn't spare an expense

>Lamb chops, ribs, medium-rare steak, grilled chicken, pull pork, cornbread, mashed potatoes, coleslaw, bratwurst, that pig with the apple stuffed in it's mouth

>Not to mention the mead, it's sweet like the royal jelly stolen from a queen bee-girl, but not so much as to overpower the alcohol

>And there's enough of it to make a Slaaneshi cultist full

"This is all for us?"

>"Aye, you are honored guests sent by the gods with their own herald"

>We dig in ravenously, well me and Morathi, Sindria is eating with her fork and knife, while the chaos champion and kiki take turns feeding each other

>I never knew Norscans could be this vanilla

>Me and Morathi eventually slow down, full from our gorging, and I'd not like to induce vomiting and insult the kiki's cooking, Hell hath no fury like a kiki scorned after all.

>I stop and wonder why is no one else at this feast

"Uhhh, Chief whozitwhatit, where is everyone?"

>"All of our warriors are out raiding the southern tribes and slaying monster gaining glory for the tribe. I could not disrespect you and allow un-blooded warriors, or herders to join you in this glorious feast"

"What about your wife?"

>He freezes up for a moment an begins stammering

>"Sh-she is… quite the… uh… fierce monster despite her looks"

>The kiki just gives me the death glare

>I don't think he's stammering because of a lie

>I think it's fear

"Well, I for one don't want this food to go to waste and I rather enjoy a party!"

>I jump up from my chair and stand on the table

"BRING IN THE COMMON RABBLE"

>No one pays attention to my demand, till I tap Sindria on the shoulder

<"Oh, yes. Bring in the uncouth and the unworthy!"

>The chief quickly gestures his servants to go fetch them and in the following moments dozens of tribesmen/women come in

>Most of the women are monsters, others not and plenty of guys who could fit on the December part of the calendar

>They all quickly take a seat and join us in our feast

>For an hour we eat, drink, dance and sing

>Unfortunately after everyone is drunk the monster girls take their hubbies home for some pelvis shattering, while the single ones pick on the slaves

>Just as soon as the party started it had to end. Fucking monster libido, even the human women are fucking off to go do some fucking

>Pretty soon it's just us left again with the chief and his kiki waifu, who are at this point, doing that fucking nose rub thing. How does that work through a helmet? I don't fucking know

>>349827

>They get tired of the foreplay and fuck off to go do some fucking as well

"Hey, you guys wanna go to the hotsprings?"

>Sindria puts down her fork and knife, and produces a handkerchief out of nowhere to wipe her mouth

<"That sounds delightful"

>While Morathi is face down surrounded by empty tankards of mead

<"Yeeeah. DeLIghtfel"

>Just before we go I order a slave to give us some takeout boxes

"You there, Fuckboy! Get us some boxes to take this shit home"

<"But I'm an alp"

"Nevermind get your non-alp friends to bring me a box"

>A minotaur girl wearing the frilliest dress brings us some boxes while red-faced embarrassed but, probably, turned on at the same time

>With food in hand we make our way to the hot springs

>Just before we leave the hall I notice Morathi is still face down

"You coming?"

<"Lahtur"

>We go to the hot springs and notice we aren't the only ones to get the idea

>We agree to search further up the mountain for another spring that is less polluted

>I eventually find one and call out to Sindria

>But I get no response, did her dumbass get lost? Fuck it she'll find me eventually

>I close my eyes and let the water go up to my neck resting and letting my problems melt away

>Just then I hear the sound of another person entering the water

>I open my eyes and see it's Morathi? And she's naked to boot

<"I-I shmell thhat daehmon shlut on youz. I whon't let her h-have youz"

>She smells like honey, shame and unrequited love

>Time to defuse the situation

"I thought you didn't like me-"

<"You-you idiot!"

<"I alwayz dhid! Dhindya nohtice how mush I dhid frohm da way we fought?"

<"We evehn fought together…"

"Listen, I know it's the alcohol-"

<"It'z ahll a lie!"

"What is?"

<"My muther neveah kihcked me ouht… I-I jusht wahnted to bring ya home sho I-I couhld mahke youz my-my… treashure"

>I try to get up but she pushes me back down tears in her eyes

>Only for her to fall over into the pool face down

>I flip her over and set her against the wall, so she doesn't drown

>Fuck me, what the Hells am I supposed to do?

>I could just get out of here and pretend it never happened

>I could play therapist and try to help her

>I could just pity sex her before Sindria gets here

>I could wait for Sindria gets here and see if she's up for a threesome

>I could just save myself the shame and end my embarrassment

>Shit what to do?

1. We gotta get out of this place

2. Bootleg Dr. Phil

3. Pity sex

4. Mormon it up in here

5. JUST

Rolled 18 (1d20)

>>349828

>4. threesome

This quest went of the rails a long time ago and I want a threesome scene, lets do it

Rolled 4 (1d20)

>>349843

Rolling for this

>>349912

Just a reminder that

>we saw Sindria's reaction to getting cucked out of a marriage

>Morathi is drunk and emotional, thereby irrational

>Sindria isn't a Bicorn

>we still chose to try making Sindria a cuckqueen anyway

You faggots deserved that 1, all things considered.

>>349828

>I sit there, with Morathi on my lap, crying into my shoulder

>Fuck me. And fuck my conscious

>I let out a deep sigh, grab her by her shoulders and force her off me

>She fights to stay hugging me and claws my back, but in the end, I manage to tear her off me

"Bend over…"

<"Wh- who's Ben Dover?"

>I fucking swear

>I lift her up and toss her; so that her upper half is in the snow and her bottom is facing towards me

>I go to massage her sweet spot, but notice that water ain't normally this slick or sticky

>As much as I would like to keep it vanilla, I can't risk her getting pregnant

>I use her juices to lube up her back door as much as possible while using my finger to test the waters

"Uhhhh… grab onto some snow and bite your claw"

<"Wh-"

>I jam it in and get a reaction almost instantly

>Her claws digging into the snow and the dirt below it, the pained hiss coming from her clenched teeth and her wings recklessly fluttering about

"Are you alright?"

<"Y-yeah, k-keep going…"

>I begin moving letting myself enjoy… trying to enjoy this

>I feel butterflies in my stomach, and it ain't from love…

>I push down any notion of betrayal and just let myself go

>I speed up, focusing on my pleasure more than Morathi's

>I feel myself getting close, I quickly hug her from behinh and pound her harder

>Just as I feel myself at the edge, I hear Morathi meekly telling me something

<"Pl-pleash… turhn me arouhnd…"

>I guess she wants us to face each other while we cum

>I slow down, bringing myself from the edge, put her leg of my shoulder and turn her like a key

>I know it'd be easier just to pull out, but it's really fucking cold and my dick would lose a couple of inches. And I can't afford that

>She lays with her back to the snow, sitting at the edge of the hot spring, hugging me tightly while letting out cute short moans

>I reach the point of eruption again and with no worry of pregnancy cum inside of her

>Morathi pulls away from me slightly so that we can see each others faces

>Her's a teary eyed expression of satisfaction and mine… well I don't have a mirror, but I know I ain't slack jawing like some faggot

>She pulls me into a deep kiss, or her definition of a kiss. We just stay there with our lips connected, and any tongue action has to be initiated-

>Suddenly a warm chunky liquid fills my mouth with overtones of honey flavouring. I open my eyes and push her away and spit out the mouth-to-mouthed vomit into the snow and try to wash out the taste with water

>Sadly no matter how much I gargle it just wont get rid of that sickly sweet honey flavour

>Finished spitting out the last of it look up and notice something

"Is that… blood?"

>I quickly see that I missed her ass and fucked her right in the pussy instead

>FUCK

>In the history of Earth I manage to get the right hole when I wanted to get the wrong one

>I'm just, left here, thinking about how fertile a dragon or daemon is, while Morathi is passed out and has her upper body sprawled out in the snow and her legs in the hot spring

>I panic and pull Morathi into the hot spring hoping that I could wash out my cum and avoid having to explain to my uncle why I have two wives

>Just then I hear the sound of crunching snow and notice Sindria is sauntering over to us

>I look around trying to think of a way to hide this dragon but it's too late she notices Morathi

>Sindria stands at the edge of the hot spring naked with her arms crossed, eyes squinted and doing that expectantly foot taping

>Kinda like how your mom does it when she finds your porn stash

<"And what is going on here?"

>I remember hearing about how some monsters and wizards can taste or feel a type of magic

>And I can feel death magic all around me

>Worst yet, I'm not a wizard

"ye u-… you know th-… one thing i sh-… excuse me for one second"

>I quickly dive beneath the surface and panic sending bubbles to the surface

"FUCK ME"

"WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!?

>I try to stop panicking and wasting precious air and, more importantly, time

>What to do…

>I could just… lie. But it would have to a really fucking good one

>I could see if she'd buy the whole "I love you both" spiel. I mean my uncle managed to do it, but his other wives always died of some disease, you'd be surprised how easy it is to catch smallpox or polio when you don't have a vaccination

>I could tell the truth. But I don't know if she would break down crying or go full yandere

>I could just beat her to the punch and drown myself

>Now do or die time

1. It's not what it looks like (Come up with your own lie if you want to)

2. I love you both equally

3. Truth

4. Breath in that sweet H2O

Rolled 8 (1d20)

>>350077 (double checked)

Pray to Tzeench and lie our asses off. If that dosen't work we solve this like the Courior. As in we just kill her.