/monster/ - The Last Bastion of Romance★

>>331887

"But I don't wanna. Can't you just go and kill her ass?"

<"Oh, gee that's a great idea. And maybe I'll do your dishes, cook for you and clean for you!"

"That does sound pretty good…"

<"While I'm an undead servant and you're married to a bloodsucking leech"

>I groan like an orange cat girl who just woke up on Monday and hates it for some reason even though she doesn't work

"Fine… Let me just get ready"

>I close the door and turn to my raiju battery, disconnecting all wires from her

>Just before I get ready for my adventure my inner bully screams out to bully that blueberry spark

>I run into the kitchen grabbing a cup of water and bring it out to her, making sure to hide it behind my back

<"So can I go home now? Since you're leaving, I doubt you wan't to leave me all alone in your house, I might mess something up"

>I grab her ear with my free hand and start to roll it till sparks start to shoot off

"You're absolutely correct, you might mess something up. But you can't mess up anything if you're asleep"

>I pour the water onto her head completely drenching her

>Electricity jumps through the air searching for the path of least resistance but fizzles out before it touches anything important

>Minus some scorch marks on the wall and missing carpet patches every things good

>And she is completely passed out

>Happy with my science experiment. I throw the raiju on the couch and head to my room to prepare my supplies

Supplies and stuff

First aid kit(x2). Basic shit for surgical needs, bandages, disinfectant, styptics, splints, and sutures.

Morphine(x3). Good for numbing the pain of your broken leg when running away

Rope(30ft). Every adventurer brings rope, it's both good luck and good for not breaking your legs

Lighter(x1). Fuck matches

Signed copy Tarnus's Compendium of Undead and the Unwary. A good book, written at a third grade level for easy comprehension and actually tells you the weaknesses of undead and how to defeat them, unlike some certain fag who just wrights an encyclopedia just to talk about how good monster pussy is. Besides I got this thing signed when I went to jail in a scared straight program, I was surprised they actually let him have a pen, considering he stabbed the guard right after signing it

Weaponry and arms

Sword and shield. Need to cut something? Sword. Need to bash something? Shield.

Whip. Indiana Jones had one and he did sick shit with it. Besides it can't be that hard to imitate him

Half plate. Dents, scratches and burn marks, liberally dot this armor. But it's hold up so far it'll hold up farther

Enormous floppy hat, with enormous floppy feathers stolen from a jubjub. If you ain't looking good, you ain't doing it right

Fire bomb(x2). Danger close

>Wont bother with food since I'll probably be out just for the night

>>332084

"Now I'm not a professional gardener, but I like to consider myself decent"

"I mean how do you think I have such a wonderfully kept beard?"

>Both my comrade and the spooky plant bitch squint their eyes at me

>Finally after what feels like an eternity the plant based soy bitch pipes up

<"I think I see lice"

"Mhm… Well playtime is over. Time to prune a overgrown weed"

<"Hey!"

>The overgrown weed interjects

>A thought of throwing a firebomb at the plant bitch seems good… till I realize that we're surrounded by dead wood and I don't have to tell you how well dead wood burns

>Well I'll just do this the good ol' fashioned way. I unsheathe my sword and strap my shield on

>Vines shoot out from the ground vying to claim me

>But they just shoot past me…

>I turn around to see they embedded into the wall of thorns behind me

>I look at her confused, pointing towards her skillful display and question her

"So… Were you aiming for me, or, uh, something else?"

>She closes her eyes and grips the bridge of her nose

<"Just shut up, please"

"What's the matter don't like it when I make like a tree and bark?"

>She sighs deeply while waving her hand to send out more bramble tentacles

>That proceed to horribly miss again

>Alright, this is just getting sad

>I'll put her out of her misery for her

>I cut my way through her sad excuse of marksmanship and charge at the purple boysenberry cunt

>Jumping off of a stray branch, I send myself flying at wilted whore

>She tries to shield herself with the petals of the giant flower she resides in but… It's flower petals, and, last time I checked, flowers are remarkable for their ability to stop sword

>One slash completely cuts open the pod and once I see her she is similarly cut across her body. It oozes out a purple sap that looks more at home in a level from Super Mario Sunshine than a plant

>The taught vines on my friend loosen up and she falls to the ground with a hilarious *thump*

"Now listen here. I got a question, and if you don't answer it, I'll burn down this whole place"

<"H-ah hah h-hah… Burning d-down this forest will a-accomplish nothing, u-unless burning alive is y-your goal"

>Well she's got a point there

"How about this. I'll find your stash of Chinese cartoons and destroy them"

<"Y-you wouldn't"

>I walk behind her and kick down a mass of dead leaves revealing a small room with a generator, TV, and numerous anime blu-rays

<"H-HOW DID YOU KNOW?"

>I just stare in disbelief. I didn't think weebs actually existed out here

>I take out my lighter and grab a mass of leaves to help start the pyre

<"N-NO I'LL ANSWER ANYTHING"

>I need to put a stop to whoever is tainting these woods with anime

"Who gave you these… heresies?"

<"Traveling danuki saleswomen sold them to me if I granted them safe passage through the woods"

"YOU LET MOTHERFUCKING DANUKIS THROUGH THESE WOODS. I THOUGHT YOUR KIND PROTECTS WOODS, NOT CORRUPT THEM"

>In a fit of rage I behead the dandelion dumbass

<"Well that puts a end to her…"

>I turn around to see my un-boxed and not tied up friend standing and ready to go

"Nope. She'll be back, in due time. It's how her kind works, can't actually kill them unless you destroy all the woods they inhabit"

"And one more thing"

>I toss her my bag of supplies

<"What? Why do I have to carry it?"

"Cause dumbass, I saved your life, now you gotta repay me and being my pack mule is repayment"

<"You know I have a name right? It's Alexandra"

"Nah. Pack Mule sounds so much better. Come on Pack Mule lets continue our journey to stake some bitch"

>Just before I leave I make sure to steal the least wilted flower there and attach it to my hat

>>332227

>While walking towards the mountains I get bored and decide to learn about my Pack Mule

"So tell me Pack Mule, tell me about your childhood. I mean I spewed my life story at you"

<"Can you stop calling me that! Also, thanks for asking. You see I was born blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"

>HOLY SHIT THIS WAS A MISTAKE

>While wondering if I should stab my Pack Mule just to make her stop I hear a wolf howl

<"Was that a, wolf?"

"Well there was a considerable amount of dire wolves here before I move in. Turns out they taste like shit, but like most French cuisine, they're an acquired taste"

<"You mean you ate them because you had nothing else to eat."

"Now listen here-"

>Before I'm able to call Pack Mule a boring thundercunt an ear piercing howl comes from the dark of the woods

>Hearing a branch break behind me I turn around to see a wolf lunging at my throat

>Pack Mule acting quick throws the my bag at the lupine creature sending it onto a branch impaling it

>I go over to inspect the wolf only to see it's face is bone, patches of fur are missing and it's skin hugs eerily tight to it's skeleton

"Like I said. Was"

>We hear more howls and barking from the distance, and they're closing in

<"We should probably get out of here"

"For once, and probably the last time, I agree with you Pack Mule"

>I pick up my backpack and toss it to Pack Mule before we turn around and… see numerous glowing red eyes in the darkness, snarling and snapping at us

>Before they pounce on us a female figure walks through them hushing them down

>When the figure walks into the moonlight I finally get a good look at her

>It's a dire wolf girl, undead just like her pack

>I notice a rusty sword stuck through her heart and- wait a second…

"Hang on. Do I know you?"

>She just looks at me surprised, like we we're acquaintances from work or something and should know each other

<"You don't remember me? When you slaughtered my pets and ate them like a monster-"

"You're one to talk"

<"Or when I tried to stop you, and you stabbed me and left me for dead"

"Well yeah, usually when you stab someone they're supposed to die"

>She looks extremely annoyed. While Pack Mule next to me gives pleading eyes to "Not piss off the angry undead dire wolf girl and the rest of her normal angry undead dire wolves"

<"I've been thinking about this moment since I died and into the afterlife, nothing but thoughts of enacting my revenge on you for the atrocities you committed. First I'll tear the flesh from your bones, next I'll use your heart as a chew toy, next I'll play fetch with your femur, next-"

"Alright, can we just get this show on the road now?"

<"You know what? Getting you here now would be boring, I'll give you a head start to escape us"

"Oh please, I killed you once I can-"

>Pack Mule pulls me into a huddle and starts silently shouting into my ear

<"Don't look a godsdamn gift in the mouth. Please just listen to me and lets get out of here"

>My focus falls upon the numerous dire wolves lining the shadows of our little glade here

>Shit what the fuck to do

1. It's not retreating it's advancing in the other direction

2. Cunt punt that dire wolf girl

3. Diplomacy?

4. Give me a K. Give me an M. Give me an S.

Rolled 16 (1d20)

>>332228

>Run

>While running Read Tarnus's Compendium of Undead and the Unwary for advice about undead wolves

>Follow advice

>Tie rope to our blade handle and spin our sword on the rope around like an aow attack to kill many wolves at once

>>332229

>>332243

Ya'll niggas can't roll for shit

Also no re-rolls

>>332274

Nice job anon. My sides have left orbit

>>332228

>I take a step back and ready myself to punt this bitch into the end zone

>I start sprinting forward at the undead dire bitch

>EdEddnEddySubaluwa.mp4

>I bring my foot straight up into her crotch…

>But faster than a harpy on speed the unlife'd dire bitch dodges out of the way and brings her fist to bear on my knee

>And like an egg hitting a house on Halloween my knee shatters against her fist

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

>I fall to the ground writhing in pain

<"Hahahaha. Music to my ears. I must say you hit that note perfectly"

"AHHHHHHHHH FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING LITERAL BITCH"

>I continue to scream while the dire bitch keeps laughing at my suffering

<"I'd have to say. I didn't imagine our showdown going down like this, I was hoping ya'd put up a better fight."

>The numerous undead dire wolves close in on us seemingly cackling like hyenas. But that could just be my imagination from the pain

>All of a sudden like a Valkyrie from legend (and not one of the cheap knock-offs the Chief "God" passes off as Valkyries) Pack Mule plunges her sword forward at the dire bitch

>And proceeds to stumble over like a buffoon

>Then to add insult to injury she lands on my injured knee eliciting another pained and hoarse scream from me

<"HAHAHAHAHAH! Ya two stooges are just missing the third"

>I see a glint of defiance in Pack Mule's eyes as she rolls over on top of my knee twisting the plate, ready to say something that would roast this dire bitch so hard it would turn her into a hellhound

<"Then why don't you come join us?"

>Pack Mule then points her sword threateningly at the dire bitch, well as threateningly as a person who's laying on a disabled man's broken leg while on the ground can muster up

>Which in this case isn't much

<"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Stop. Please. If ya keep this up my liver will explode"

>She wipes away the tears from her eyes and looks at me once more with a devious smile forming on her face

<"Ya know what? Just killing you here would be shame. I think it would be much better to break you…"

>The words "break" and "you" are most often said by those sick bicorns who enjoyed reading mind break hentais while eating lunch

>There's a special place in the hells for these kind of people and I'll be damned if I don't send her back there

>I kick off Pack Mule with my other leg and manage to stand up and ready my blade

"Time to neuter a bitch"

<"It's spay ya dumbass"

>Before I can even engage in GLORIOUS COMBAT I feel a something tugging at the back of my pants

>And due to being on one leg I fall backwards, instead of hitting the ground though I keep going back till I feel weightlessness overtake me

>I turn around to see Pack Mule had found a sinkhole and pulled me inside of it along with her

"YOU DUMBASS PIECE OF SHIT WHY DID YOU PULL ME DOWN HERE WITH YOU? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE THIS EVEN GOES?"

<"I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER THAN BEING TORN TO SHREDS BY A PACK OF NATURES ABOMINATIONS"

>We both continue to argue while sliding down the sinkhole till the air gets damper and the sound of running water drowns out our argument

>With a sudden splash of wetness that would make a slime seem dry I get thrashed about by the raging currents and brought under by the undertow

>I feel myself blacking out as water invades my airways making home in my lungs

>…

>I awake to a beautiful morning. The birds are singing the breeze is blowing and I see red roses too. My leg is completely fine I walk around the room finding it to be my old one from the monastery. I stare out reminding myself of simpler times before all this forced education came along. Where the only reading I had to do was from the good book, and not heretical scriptures written by monsters who claim "The earth is round" pffft, fools.

>Suddenly the door bursts open and a man in armor stomps into the room yelling

>>332370

>Time for surgery

>I pull out a scalpel and swing my arm back and into the chimera cunt that's dragging me along

>My first attempt at prison shanking only manages to catch her snake tail

>She lets go of man and turns around, fury burning in her eyes, quite literally might I add. Must be the dragon in her

>Of course I remain unwavered by this paltry display of pyrotechnics and bring the blade down into her thigh

>She grabs my hand that is currently giving her a thigh job and force it above my head, then she uses her other hand to grab me by my throat

>I stare down to see that the wound on her thigh has already healed

>Fucking monsters and their bullshit ass regeneration

>She clenches my hand holding the scalpel till I finally let go of it… then I catch it in my other hand while it's falling

>I bring the scalpel up to eye level and bring it down, stabbing her in it and making her also a cyclops on top of everything else

>She lets me go and reels back from the pain of loosing a eye. Acting quick I take off my shield and toss it at her head, chipping one of her horns, making Captain America proud and sending her spiraling into the ground

>She hits her head on the rocky surface, passing out instantly

>I crawl over and grab the broken piece of horn and add it to my hat-

>I silently sob over the loss of my dearest friend

>While mourning the loss of my cap companion I see the chimera's body is stirring

>Acting quick I grab the scalpel from her and stab her through her heart

>We'll it isn't a shot through the heart, but there is somebody to blame and I've never been in love, so I can't give it bad name

>While basking in the glory of my victory, I remember that the ways things are going tonight, she won't stay dead

>I stand up using my good leg and lean against the wall hoping along, like a centaur with a broken leg running away from the glue factory

>Making my way into the dark caverns she was planning to take me

Chapter 2: Warren Worries

>I flip my lighter, using it and the walls to guide my way through these arched and crumbling pathways

>This is nothing like I imagined. I was thinking more along the lines of fish and chips not walls caked in dry blood, with rusty hooks, cages and rotted wood

>The deeper I go the more I hear of claws grinding against stone, silent whispers coming from behind me and roars that would make a lion squeal in terror

>I eventually reach a clearing where, I see silhouettes of tables?

>I crawl closer, proving that my suspicion was right. Someone did set up tables here, more so, what's on tables is even more intriguing

>Medical equipment. Bone saws, forceps, gouges, rib cutters, deavers, gelpis, scissors, clamps, hypodermic needles and numerous other variations of the like

>It look more like a chop shop in here than a surgery room. I suppose the rusty hooks don't help either

>I would consider taking some of these supplies for myself

>If the person who used these tools actually gave a damn about sanitation

>At this point boiling and bleaching them wouldn't even help, Hells! Boiling them in bleach wouldn't even save these instruments

>I set aside my gear and clean a spot on the "operating table" and lay down to evaluate my injury

>While making the incision to see how bad my knee cap is. I hear a voice over my shoulder

<"Ooooo, a broken patella"

>My eyes go wide. I quickly turn my head to see a lich, in a sexy nurses outfit, staring at my backyard surgery

>I would consider stabbing her with my scalpel but remember that this is the only one left as the other is covered in chimera eye goo. And I would very much like avoiding an infection

<"Let me go get my screws and clamps"

>She jumps off the operating table and starts to rummage through the numerous equipment strewn about, tossing some of them on the ground while in search for her clamps

>I consider just crawling away but remember I already cut into my knee and if I don't close it, I'll probably die from an infection

>She eventually opens a drawer and pulls it out completely, then overturns it and catches some scissor like clamps and small screws midair

>She turns to me and closes in on my wound

>>332637

>I use my other leg to kick her away while giving her a look of utter disgust

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Clean your godsdamn shit before using them"

<"What do you- Oh."

>She looks at the assortment of clamps and screws in her hand finding them rusty and covered in blood

>With a snap of her fingers they burst into flames while still in her hand

<"Better?"

>She shows me the, now clean, utensils

>Grabbing the clamps from her, I use them to open my knee up and see that she was right earlier. My patella it more broken than a hellhounds attempt to act touch while getting headpats

>She suddenly forces me onto my back while bending my knee into a ninety degree angle

>I try to jump up and knock the presumptuous lich but find my arms are tied down to the table. Magically

>And not in the way that ropes suddenly appeared, but in the way that actual magical tethers are holding me down

>At least the morphine is still in my system

>All of a sudden I start to feel a numb pain coming from my… knee

>Shit

>Please listen to the mp4 above for accurate representation of how this felt

>Hours of excruciating pain later I sit up and see my knee is stitched up, I give run my thumb over my knee and feel that it is in one piece and now longer more broken than the religious beliefs of mankind

>I turn my head to see the nurse lich is bending over giving me a perfect view of her panties

>Fortunately my fetish is nuns and sex for the sole purpose of procreation. So this has as much of affect on me as snow does on a yuki-onna

>Noticing I've stopped screaming she turns to me and hands me a vial of liquid

<"This should make you feel much better"

"I'm not going to drink that sh-"

>She forces the bottle down my throat forcing me to drink it's contents

>It tastes like medicine. Memories of how my mom gave me similar tasting medicine when I was to sick for school. Luckily the day I was absent, the oomukade I was bullying shot up the school

>Thankful for the nurse liches help in repairing my knee I knock that bitch out and grab my shit prepared to leave

>I look to see there are two doorways ahead of me, right and left

>Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, I don't know which way the fuck I should go

1. Right is always right. Right?

3. Left is the only option left

4. Interrogate the nurse lich

5. Find some shit to OD on

>>332638

RIP option 2.

>>332638

>I hate to admit it

>But in a time like this, I have to

>I start retching at the very thought of it

>Swallowing down my vomit I turn to the lich

"Hey do you know the way out of here?"

>She just lies there like a fucking cat girl on a couch

>I lean down close to her ear and whisper

"GET THE FUCK UP LAZY BONES"

>Still no response

>Alright time to settle things with my hands

>I straddle the lich's unconscious body and start to repeatedly slap her between every word I say

"Wake. The. Fuck. Up. You. Lazy. Cunt. Or. I'll. Find. Your. Phylactery. And. Slap. That. Too."

>Was a second

>Liches are undead

>Undead creatures don't sleep

>I make sure to check my handy dandy book on the undead to confirm my suspicion

>So if undead =/= sleep and liches = undead

>I look down to see her smiling as I still am slapping her

>The realization that I just fed into a some monsters fetish of being abused dawns on me

>I almost use a bonesaw to cut my hand off, but then I remember that, that shit hurts

<"Why'd you stop? It was just getting good"

"Shut the fuck up and tell me how the fuck to get the fuck out of this fucking place. You fuck."

<"You didn't read the map?"

"Wha- What fucking map are you talking about?"

<"The one's I had custom made, they're like the ones you would find in a amusement park. You know I had to kidnap a artist who did the one for Cedar Point"

>She then leads me to a wall and starts to chisel off the crusty blood from the wall using a scalpel

>Sure enough there is one, albeit I can't really see it, due to the; darkness that holds dominion - black as death

"Great. Now lead me out of here"

>She start to imitate the thinking emoji

<"Why should I?"

"Because if you do I'll… let you practice medicine on me"

<"That does sound good, but there are plenty of other creatures down here that I could practice on"

"I'll slap the shit out of you again"

>She immediately goes flat faced and forcibly shakes my hand

<"deal"

>I feel devilish knowing I just tricked a being, who probably lived centuries, into thinking I would feed into her masochistic fetish

<"Now if you would just, follow me"

>She leads me down the left hallway

>>332809

>Like what

Perhaps this will help

Rolled 7 + 20 (1d20)

>>333208

Get up after we get our asses kicked in, and give them a taste of the dark souls method.

(Modifier is for how many times we try until success.)

>>333208

Throw their bodies into a lake

>>333208

>I know what to do

>I jump from my cover and punch the first dullahan knocking her block off and having bounce off the wall and having it land right back in my hands

>I look down to see her still awake and annoyed more than anything else

>Hang on

>I open my book of Undead and the Unwary

>Chapter 1 The basics: Undead don't do any of the following heartbeat, breath, eat, drink, not being cunts or sleep

>Or sleep

>Fuck…

>I look around to me see multiple dullahans all pointing their swords at me. Acting pretty cuntty might I add

>Well looks like there is only one thing left to do

>Taking a note out of my high school bully guide I stuff the head back onto the dullahan's body that I punched and then turn her around and give her the most atomic wedgie to ever be seen

>Blue with cartoony gravestones that all say "R.I.P" on them

"What. The. Fuck."

>One of the dullahans starts chuckling before the rest of them join in, eventually evolving into full blow laughter

>The red faced dullahan (wait how can undead blush?) takes her underwear off her head and runs away crying

>Before the rest of them can stop laughing I work my way around the squad of headless cunts

>All of them have embarrassing underwear, ranging from, "I spilled wine on it white" to "Juicy" spelled in big bubbly letters on the backside

>With their moral broken they run, uhhh, waddle away in fear from my high school bully tactics

>Now I just have to keep a weather eye out hope they don't shoot up the school

>I look to Pack Mule and give her the heaviest shit I've been carrying

>To my surprise she doesn't even seem phased by the fact I just handed her like all my shit, granted it never weighed much to begin with but she was never strong to begin with either.

>I call my companions from the dark corner, who are laughing their asses off at the punishment I just laid down

>Just then I hear a loud thump

>I turn around to see that Pack Mule had just dropped my shit

>With a face straighter than a unicorn's drug abuse policy, I look at her and command

"Pick. My. Shit. Up"

>With a shit eating grin on her face she just replies

<"No."

>Just when I go to slap her upside the head for such transgressions she unsheathes a black blade that pulses with dark energy

>I hear Erandis confirm my suspicion

<"Cursed blade…"

>I pull my hand back before she can cut it and unsheathe my own weapon

>I go to cut Pack Mule's hand off but she easily parrys the blow

>I next try to knock it out of her grasp with my shield but she just kicks me square in my chest and raises her cursed blade above her head and brings it down onto my shield

>It cuts through it like paper but before it can cut my arm Lycia grabs the blade

>With a smile Pack Mule pulls the blade out of Lycia's grip cut through her scaled hands, eliciting a cry of pain from her and a few drops of blood

>Me and Erandis both take a step back as the dark aura starts to exude from both of them now

>Lycia now under the sway of the cursed blade blows a gout of flame in our direction

>We both quickly run down the hallway avoiding the fate of well done

>I look down the hallway to see them try to cross but the cursed blade must've used a bit too much of Lycia's fire breath. Considering the stone is now melted slag

"Of, fucking, course. The dumb asses both get themselves possessed by a fucking butter knife with a big ego and now it's up to us to save them"

<"I mean we could just leave them… I don't want to sound pragmatic. But they just scorched their only exit and the only other way out of there is the waterway and I'm pretty sure the cursed blade has a sense of preservation for her taxis"

"That… is a pretty good point"

>Just as we turn around and leave the two to their fates I remember that all my shit is on the other side of the firewall

"Hang on. Can you stop this fire?"

<"Why!? That gives them an escape method!"

"I left my shit back there and I need it. Besides can't we wait for them to leave and try looking for another exit"

<"They'll probably wait for the fire to go out before realizing that they just melted the hallway and unless you want to wait here all night and have a very special hello from a very special vampire I'd recommend leaving while we still got time."

>What to do

1. Go get my shit and go help them

2. Leave, we'll get them later

3. Maybe the dullahans could be of use

4. Visit the gods

5. Sage your posts

Rolled 12 (1d20)

>>333500

this except it's actually inside out and the inside has tons of little weirdly colored helmets

rainbow helmets black and yellow helmets pink helmets red and black helmets green and blue stuff like that

>>333829

<"THERE ARE NO PICTURES YOU FUCKING IDIOT. SHE HAS NOTHING ON HER TO TAKE PICTURES WITH. DO YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING ANYONE SAYS?"

>Klara is clearly distraught by the fact that her childhood "friend" is going nuclear on her

<"I thought she hid, it so-"

<"HOW WOULD SHE EVEN PUT THE PICTURES ON INSTAGRAM? WE DON'T GET ANY INTERNET OUT HERE, EVER SINCE OUR LANDLORD DIED, THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT, NO ONE HAS PAID FOR THE WIFI"

>Klara easily goes from distraught to angry in less than a second, grabbing Erandis by her clothes and shoving her into the wall

<"AND WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING? JUST SITTING DOWN IN THE SEWERS LIKE A FUCKING HERMIT NOT CARING ABOUT ANYTHING BESIDES YOUR EXPERIMENTS"

>I go to break up the fight but Pack Mule comes to her sense from all the screaming and starts screaming on her own

<"Hang on I know you… you're the guy who keeps calling me 'Pack Mule' and makes me carry all of your stuff! Wait, why are you surrounded by undead?"

"I know this looks bad but I can explain…"

<"Ohhhh, I know what this is. You were going to trick me into trusting you so that you could kill me and revive the vampire lord yourself, and join her on a dark crusade"

>She grabs the cursed blade again re-possessing herself

<"Ha, back into a body again. Now to make you pay for wh-"

>Possessed Pack Mule just stares at the dullahan and lich arguing like a dysfunctional family, while I just stand there with the most irritated frown on my face

>Lycia suddenly wakes up from her ice induced coma and yells into my ear

<"I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT"

>Alright how to deal with this

1. Go nuclear

2. Use your words

3. Use a bomb

4. Fuck this I'm out

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>333830

>Goad pack mule into stabing you

>Catch the sword between your side and your >arm

>Pull it out of her grip

>Break the sword over your knee, the non-injured one

>???

>profit

>>333500

>>333516

>>333922

>samefagging

>no sage

>>334081

>I Immediately snap the sword over my knee like a toothpick

>To my surprise she isn't dead, just severely debilitated. I guess the enchantment on the sword is stronger than I thought

>I hand the blade back to Klara

"Go lock that shit up before sleeping retard over there grabs it again"

>Without a word Klara stares at Erandis and leaves, uttering only one word before she disappears into the darkness

<"Bitch"

>Erandis clearly irate about everything going on starts uttering curse words and slinging insults in foreign and dead languages

>I slap her upside the head which seems to calm her to an extent

>Just suddenly I hear a scared gasp coming from behind me

>Judging from the fact that Lycia is still heaving from the suck punch I gave her and Erandis doesn't breath. That leaves only one suspect left

>Pack Mule is sitting there eyes wide open scared out of her mind

<"How could you? How could you betray everyone for a chance at power, to rule the world at the side-"

"Imma let you finish but, you're a fucking idiot. Have you ever heard the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?"

<"Wh-what?"

"I thought not. It's not a story the Order would tell you. It's a Paladindu legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Paladindus, so powerful and so wise he could use the Light to influence the mitochondrias to create power… He had such a knowledge of the Light that he understood that, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. YOU FUCKING RETARD"

<"Even if they want to help us destroy that vampire lord, you should have consulted me first about them joining us"

"You weren't even around for their recruitment. You were too busy getting BLACKED by a fucking black licorice covered whore who mind fucked you"

<"Do you even care about what I-"

"NO"

"Now carry my shit and shut up. The only reason I'm doing this is because it's advantageous to not become a living blood bag"

>I force Lycia to her feet and throw Pack Mule my shit

>Me and Erandis easily make strides ahead of the two

<"A bit savage to go off on the poor girl. Don't you think?"

"Nope don't fucking care. And if she stabs me in the back she better not miss, because if she does, I'll make her wish she wasn't born"

>We silently, besides Lycia and Pack Mule's groans from their injuries, make our way down the hallways till the sound of grinding metal and pendulums swinging fill our ears

"Of, fucking, course it's trapped to all Hells"

>When I get a better look at the hallway nothing seems to be wrong with it

>Unless you count the eviscerated rat carcass. But even then the rat didn't make it far enough to set off that many traps, it couldn't have, unless the hallway is bursting with more traps than a Scooby-Doo episode

>It could be possible that Klara might've came this way

>I look over to Erandis and before I can shove her forward she teleports to the other side

"Great. Now come back for us"

<"Not until you say you're sorry about what you called me earlier"

"What? You mean when I called you a bed we-"

<"LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALA"

>What to do?

1. Take the hit to my pride and say… Sorry

2. Just shove the two retards through. One of them is bound to make it

3. Maybe Klara will come back through this way?

4. Do it myself. Just like how I have to do everything else

5. Perhaps if I kill myself I can find a way through the planes that lead back to that very spot

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>334082

Keep calling her a bed wetter or something more offensive until she throws more ice magic at us and hopefully it will freeze most of the traps, then laugh at her for unintentionally helping us

>>334082

>I got just the idea

>I turn around and start telling Lycia and Pack Mule about how Erandis is a bed wetter scum

"Lycia. Did you know that your mother is a bed wet-"

<"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

>Erandis is practically irate about me giving her daughter ammunition to make fun of her

>She throws an forstbolt at my head trying to silence of the lambs me up

>Luckily I multi-classed into rogue

>UncannyDodge.gif

>She eventually gets fed up and unleashes a mini-blizzard from her hand

>And not the one's that you get from Dairy Queen

>Thankfully Pack Mule is a great human shield, taking the brunt of the dagger like icicles

>I peak out from behind Pack Mule, who's face and hair is completely covered in frost

>The hallway is frozen over

>I walk forward just a bit, sticking out my toe testing for traps

>I hear the sound of plates depressing and gears grinding, but nothing happens

>Lycia and Pack Mule are wiping away frost and snow from their faces while I smugly give the lich a pat on her shoulder

"Nice job"

>I open the door and to my amazement it's a beautiful hallway with a bright red carpet and banners hanging from the ceiling. The banner have some strange, horned demon with wings? No a crown? Fuck it. It's a bat, everyone knows vampires have a bat fetish so it's some sort of shitty stylized bat

>My company and I walk through the oddly large hallways that could probably fit a malnourished dragon

>I probably shouldn't of thought of that, because knowing my luck it's going to happen

>Ahh well, can't change the past. Might as well drag my shoes along the carpet and stain them in mud and blood, though judging that a vampire owned this castle, blood wouldn't be a stranger to these carpets

<"So anybody know any good jokes?"

>Lycia just has to ruin the fucking quiet doesn't she and unfortunately Pack Mule has to play along

<"I know one. What did the ghoul make for her husband?"

"I swear to the gods Lycia, if you-"

<"I don't know?"

<"GHOULash"

>CricketgirlChirps.mp4

>Erandis suddenly puts a arm around my shoulder

<"C'mon did you like that joke? Oh, who am I kidding. Of corpse you like it"

>I start to squint my eyes and frown at the terrible puns

<"Why the grave expression? These jokes are real rib ticklers"

"I SWEAR BY THE GRACE OF THE GODS. I WILL KICK YOUR ASS SO HARD, THAT IT'LL MAKE SIGMAR KICKING NAGASH'S ASS LOOK LIKE A JOKE"

<"He's right girls. We have to take this seriously, the world is at stake"

>Oh hell no

>I start chasing that bitch down the hallways, till we reach a dead end

>While I kick Erandis around the room like a kick ball, I notice a switch

>The inner adventurer in me demands I pull it. But the smarter person inside me demands I not pull the obviously trapped lever

>Fuck the pussy voice. I pull that lever down and go to continue Erandis's regularly scheduled ass kicking

>Suddenly the sound of grinding stone fills my ears, along with the surprised yelping of Lycia and Pack Mule who must've assumed I set off a trap

>I look through the newly opened passageway and see an assortment of undead nobility

>Lesser vampires and wights having an argument about who is of higher status. The truth is neither of them are, the lesser vamps aren't true vamps, and wights used to be dirty zombies

>The few zombie dragons I see are scarfing down food and the skeletal dragons are being anorexic as usual

>The phantoms and will-o-wisps are arguing about lighting and insulting each other about their "Shit taste in play writes"

>The Jiangshi are trying to join a group of lesser vampires at their table, but like high school again, the lesser vampires take up as much space as possible denying them a seat. So they just decide to share a table with the Ochimusha, they seem to be having a conversation about how people always think their of the same culture

>The pharaohs are enjoying baklava with their giant wads of toilet paper, sorry I mean mummies

>What's even stranger is that some of them seem to be married and with their husbands enjoying the party, though something does seem off about them

>We aren't even assaulted or pestered, in fact most of them ignore us, fucking royalty thinking their better than me

>>334232

>Well I might've slacked during miracle practice and as such my ability to perform divine magics is severely stunted. But what I remember from the basics is that all acts of the gods start with faith

>I continue eating, much to the delight of our wight, and much to the dismay of my Pack Mule

<"Why are you eating? I just told you it was all poisoned!"

"Hush, yee of little faith. This is the one time in the last two, or odd something, years that I don't have to eat dire wolf. Do you know how shitty dire wolf tastes? They eat nothing but fucking garbage and they taste just like fucking garbage"

<"But you'll die"

"No I wont. I have faith that the belief in the gods grants me immunity to such deceitful practices"

>Lycia finished spitting up the last of her meal looks up to me

<"Does that mean I can eat too?"

"If you'd like to end up like your mom. Sure go ahead"

>Dejected she just sits there stomach growling

>Pack Mule quickly starts going off into my ear again

<"Do you hear yourself? You sound just like Zarus! And do you know how he died?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Poisoned wine. Now go whine to someone else"

<"Fine! Kill yourself. See if I care"

>I go back to enjoying the food. Not eating it to fast as to seem gluttonous but eating enough to be polite and show thanks for such a good meal

>But due to the magnitude of the food presented I can't finish it all. So I just purge again, this time asking for a bucket beforehand

>Every stares at me. Again

"What? I'm Roman"

>A cacophony of "ohhhhhh"'s fill the banquet hall as everyone returns to their conversations and delights

>Pack Mule is eagerly scanning the room for an escape while Lycia is just staring at the food with wanted starvation

>While chuckling at them and drinking from my chalice, feeling like a foppish Bretton at that, I notice when the wine touched my lips it grew at least a few shades lighter

>I could be hallucinating from the poison in my system or my faith is truly strong enough to cleanse the drink and food of it's contaminants

>Just then a devilish idea pops into my head, or would it be holy idea?

>Eh, who cares

>I pretend to finish the chalice and go to fill it up at the fountain

>While no one is looking I pour in the contents as I watch it spread and cleanse the whole fountain

>Holy shit are these motherfuckers blind? Well, now that I mention it, some of them are missing their eyes…

>No matter my plan went off without hitch and now time for me to put an end to this never ending feast

>I grab some of the servants and, politely, force them to get everyone a cup of wine so that I may have a toast

>When it seems everyone has a cup I jump up on the table and start tapping my chalice with a fork

"Oi! Listen up you fuckers. Here's a toast to Meridia"

>I gesture to Pack Mule

<"But my name isn't-"

"SSHHHHHHHHHH"

>I see them clap and drink their wine, congratulating us as if I just proposed to her or something like that

"And may her holy light wash away the corruption of all false life"

>Like glass shattering they all look back up to me

>The wight grabs the ankle of pants tugging it like a child

<"Excuse me. Could you repeat that?"

"BEGONE CREATURE THAT IS AFFRONT TO ALL LIFE"

>I toss my cup at her face, not only do I break her nose but the purified wine splashes onto her face, causing her to fall to the ground as steam comes from her melting face

>It's to late for the rest of them, they already partook of the forbidden tannin

>They all start to cough and clench their throats

>Erandis just looks around and dips a finger into her glass

>It comes out nothing but bone

>Pack Mule amazed at the fact that my faith is more powerful than the laws of physics asks me

>>334732

<"Did you just turn all that wine into holy water and poison all the undead party goers with it?"

"No I told them a funny joke and knocked them all dead. Again"

<"Can I eat now?"

>I tap the food with my finger and bless it

"Knock yourself out"

>She proceeds to voraciously eat every last scrap on the table

>Just before we leave Erandis garners my attention while I walk around stabbing the undead and the servants who have not yet succumbed to the holy retribution

<"So… Do you not feel an ounce of guilt for this at all?"

>Is this bitch serious?

"No. Why would I? They're already died once, I'm finishing the job and sending them to the afterlife so that they may be judged for their actions. Besides most of them aren't alone, they had their significant others with them, and it's impossible for them to have children, decadents sure, but direct children who knew them, not likely. Most of them thought their parents long dead. And they tried to turn us into one of them, so they reaped what they sow"

<"And what of me?"

"Well I don't know where your phylactery is, now do I?"

>I finish off the last of this undead get-together and head push open a giant set of doors that lead upstairs

>With that me and my merry fucking party hurry off

>Erandis salty that I despise her ilk

>Lycia still fucking eating

>Pack Mule is dumbfounded that I just performed a miracle

>Legs burning when I reach the top I see nothing but…

>A fucking bog

"What? How the hell does this work? How the hell did we even get here we went up, now down!"

<"This used to be my landlords garden, though it seems that it fell into disrepair and the koi fish ponds seeped into the rest of the ground"

>I take my first step through the threshold and instantly get hit by a buzzing in my ears and a sudden itchiness on my neck

>I slap at the spot and see it was a mosquito

>I better not get the crimson aids from that shit

"It seems the bridges that used to go over the small streams are still intact. Just follow them and we'll be out of here"

>Me and Pack Mule both seem to have the same problem of our feet getting soaked and boots getting stuck so badly that they come off sometimes

>And I don't have to tell you that boots full of mud is a horrible feeling

>Lycia doesn't wear shoes and she's strong enough to just force her feet out of the mud

>Erandis is just ever so lightly floating above the mud while still walking

"Hey, Sigvald! Want to stretch that gift of walking on water to the rest of us?"

<"Oh where are my manners."

>She snaps her fingers as Lycia and Pack Mule start walking on the mud the same as her… but leaves me wanting

"Very funny. Now how about me next?"

<"Hmmmm, I don't know"

"I swear. Both you and Pack Mule are acting like petulant, fucking, children. Lycia is acting more mature than both of you combined"

<"Well… you did, kinda, say undead lives don't matter, and the only reason you didn't kill her was because you don't know where her phylactery is…"

"Shut up Lycia. They tried to kill us and raise us as undead. And some of us like to value our humanity"

<"And do I not have humanity?"

"Well… that depends on your definition of humanity, Erandis. If it merely looking like a human then me and Pack Mule have that in spades, as humans most definitively don't have scales, tails, or have deathly pale skin. If it's just being a good person than many humans and monsters have humanity"

"Personally I think both are wrong. You can't judge a person by how they look, as doppelgangers are a thing. And you can't gleam one's humanity from just mere actions as those always have underlying directives, like how I play Fallout New Vegas, I don't be a nice guy 'cause I like being nice, I play the nice guy 'cause speech checks almost always give good karma and most importantly EXP."

"I think all humans are born with a spark of divinity that gives us the ability to persevere against the mightiest of foes and prosper in the most harshest lands, from the frost felled north to the sweltering south sands, we carved out mighty empires-"

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>334734

1.

Oh, no. I see where this could go and It is not good if that happens. Try to chat her up a bit while looking around for a possible escape. She might say something interesting so pay attention.

>>334733

>Got to look for a way out of here

>Hmmm… the window, that could work, plenty of trees around to grab and swing like Tarzan.

>Now I just have to get out of these restraints

>I try spamming the right and left bumpers but that doesn't work

>Guess I'll just have to-

<"Uhhhh… Sugar? You okay, you've been staring at that window for a couple of minutes now."

>Hang on. Vamp mosquitoes have a proboscis that goes along their torso

>I don't know if they actually use it, but I know it's sharp enough to scratch armor, on the account of one bumping into me.

>Fucking vamp mosquitoes flying through the hallway and bumping into everyone, just fucking walk like the rest of us. Though it was funny to watch them crash into clear glass

>Now just to lure her into a false sense of security

"Soooo… what do you do here?"

>She looks confused that I just did a complete one-eighty shift in mood

<"I just keep the house clean, and cook, course now I only cook for two now"

"Just you and your daughter?"

<"Sadly, yes. He works out of town, but my hubby is coming home tonight and I can't just wait to introduce you two"

<"And, if I may ask, why did you seem more bummed out than a succubus on Sunday?"

"I, uh-"

>Thankfully knocking at the door interrupts our conversation

>It's the vamp mosquito who carried me here, and she's carrying a tray with some cups with ice in them

>She sets it down on the coffee table and starts to pour out a light brown colored liquid

>When finished pouring a cup, she puts a straw in it and then hands it to me

"I'd love to try whatever that is. But as you see I'm a little tied up"

>The young vamp mosquito girl keeps moving the cup till it's right in my face and points the straw at my mouth

>I think about breaking the glass and using the shards to cut my binding, but that thought it quickly squashed by the thought of putting glass into my mouth

>I did it once before I ain't doing it again

<"Sorry honey, but I we can't just let you go yet, not until dinner that it"

>The older vamp mosquito tells me

>I look over to the young mosquito and notice her face is redder than a salamanders flame

"Is she okay?"

<"Oh, don't worry about her, she's just embarrassed that's all"

>The straw is quickly jammed into my mouth

>While taking in breath to formulate a clever string of insults I accidentally drank some of the undoubtedly poison liquid

>I cringe at the very taste of whatever this drink could be, lemon, iced tea-

>Wait, this is a Arnold Palmer. I fucking love Arnold Palmers

>I start to drink the shit out of my favorite gold themed beverage

>Suddenly I feel a great disturbance in the colonies

>As if a thousand Britons crying out in terror

>I take another swig of my Arnold Palmer and they are quickly silenced in the greatness that is American iced tea

"Hey this shit isn't poisoned is it?"

<"Oh heavens no! You're our guest and to poison you would just make us bad hosts, now wouldn't it"

>SkepticalLook.jpg

"So how about you untie me-"

<"Rouge, how about you take our guest here to your room and watch some TV, or play one of those 'vidya games'. I'll call you two down when dinner is ready"

"Wait you get TV out here? What service provider would even come out here?"

<"AT&T. Augury of Theurgy and Trickery"

>What

<"Oh my. I forgot to introduce myself and my daughter. You can call me Rubi, all my friends call me that. And that's my daughter Rouge"

"I'd tell you my name, but I forgot it when I lost my drivers license. And let me tell you that multiple concussions are not good for your memory"

>With that final note Rouge starts to push my chair showing it had wheels

>Well shit. Wish I had know earlier

>She takes me down a hallway till we end up in front of a closed door with a strangely shaped impression on it

>My escort pulls out a mosquito shaped amulet and puts it into the impression and then the door swings open

>Who the fuck designed that door, George Trevor?

>When we enter the room I see it's pretty nice

>It has one of those window air conditioners, screen door that leads onto a balcony, ironic even vamp mosquitoes has mosquitoes

>Floor is still wooden with a red carpet in the middle of the room, queen sized bed with a quilted blanket, one of those desks with the mirror connected to it covered in make up and empty packs of blood and a TV and a computer in the same room

>Why both? Can't you just watch Netflix on the computer

>She moves the mouse just a bit and the screen switches on to WoW

>Is she doing a raid right now?

Rolled 9 (1d20)

>>335100

Get on the PC and tell those god forsaken sand "people" that you're going to reclaim The Holy Land once you're done conquering their little mosquito friend all night long. Then fucking leg it, and find your crew before being forced into some weird shotgun wedding.

Rolled 18 (1d20)

>>335592

Kek paladin fails because his sides have detonated and can't properly move.

Also I think I forgot sage so I'm going to kill myself.

>>335745

<"I've watch Sesame street every day. I know all the letters in the alphabet and I can count up to twenty"

>Before I can start snickering the guards quickly burst out into laughter, much to the chagrin of the baphometsar

>This might be the time to come up with a lie or-

<"I've had enough of this. Bring in the interrogator"

>The men quickly leave the room as a oni wearing a dirt bike helmet, black cargo pants, and suspender to cover her nipples comes in carrying a box of tools

Chapter I Fucking Forgot: God Won't Be Watching

<"Alexia hand me the usual…"

>Without a word Alexia drops the box of tools with a loud thud and opens it rummaging around a bit before bringing up a crowbar, and tossing it to baphometsar's waiting hand

>Again Alexia reaches in and grabs a monkey wrench while looking at me, she then proceeds to snap it in her hands, toss the pieces away like garbage, and cracking her knuckles menacingly

<"I believe I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Irvette and that is my partner Alexia, now it's your turn to introduce yourselves."

"Bite me you whore"

<"Tsk tsk… Alexia if you would"

>The oni grabs my by my breastplate and punches me square in the nose

>Due to many broken noses I had in the past it doesn't shatter like glass, but it does bleed profusely

"That all you got?"

>The oni tears off my breastplate and rips off my padding like it was all tissue paper

>She then sucker punches me causing me to exhale sharply and blow a snot and blood mixture straight onto her goggles

>Rouge wanting to stop the bdsm play or maybe wants to drink the blood that would make a dark elf blush tells her name to the baphometsar

<"P-please stop! My name is Rouge and my friend's name is-"

>The baphometsar quickly slaps Rouge and shuts her up

<"I want to hear it from him."

>The baphometsar leans over and holds my chin

<"Feeling a bit more talkative? Now tell me your name"

>What to do

1. Provoke

2. Beg

3. Lie

4. Confess

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>335746

>vamp mosquito got swatted

Fuck you, you were building up to this weren’t you?

Anyways 1. we dindu nuffin an these cops just hate you because you’re human

Rolled 19 (1d20)

>>335746

1.

>implying that the Oni isn't just a bloated synthol balloon that hits like a bitch

>implying that little miss "authority" can do anything other than beg for a grounding and no dinner once you're done

>implying the followers deserve nothing but a direct business class ticket to the showers

Grab their useful shit once you're done.

>>335746

>I spit in the baphometsar's face

"How's that for an answer?"

<"Alexia. If you would"

>Just as the oni cracks her neck and prepares to break my nose for sure this time

>I kick my foot up into the oni's crotch causing her to let out a groan of pain and fall to the ground

>From there I continue to stomp on the oni's helmet'd head

"TAKE THAT YOU SYNTHOL ABUSING CUNT. I BET YOU'RE AN ALP IN DISGUISE"

>The baphometsar swings at my head

>Noticing it easily, I duck and let the swing go over me

>Unbalanced by the fact that she just put all her strength into one swing, I kick at her knee causing her to fall over and land on her oni friend

>I lean forward and manage to stand up with the chair still zip tied to me

>I get onto the Rouge's bed and start jumping

"You guys remember that song about the monkeys jumping on the bed right? Yeah, well. I won't be the one who busts his head"

>I jump off aimed at the baphometsar and synthoni

>The sound of wood breaking and bones shattering, not mine mind you, fills the room and miraculously the lolicons outside didn't hear any of this. They're probably to busy fapping to children, like the degenerates they are.

>Still zip tied up, but no chair in the way, I work my arms down past my ass and slip my legs through my arms, bringing my arms to my front

>I quickly go to untie Rouge…

>I quickly realize that you can't untie zip ties without cutting them Well you can, but it's a pain in the ass to do

<"Thanks. I didn't think we'd get out- uh, what are you doing?"

>I toss up Rouge, while she's still in her chair, above my head and quickly bring her down chair first, or at least I think chair first, onto the duo of dumbasses

>I pull Rouge off the pile of splinters and brush her off

>I reach into the synthoni's toy box and pull out a pair of pliers, using them to crush that stupid little box that keeps the tie together

>I do the same to Rouge and while she's rubbing her wrists, I wonder

>Why is it called a pair of pliers when it's only one, the same thing for scissors they're also called a pair but only one actually scissor

>While staring blankly at the wall wondering about the nomenclature of tools, a snap from Rouge quickly brings me back

<"What are we going to do about them? And what about those guys who are outside?"

>Search through the tool box and find a two pairs of fluffy cuffs

>It'll have to do. I toss a pair to Rouge

"You cuff the jailbait, I'll cuff the Mrs. Universe reject"

>Rouge just simply nods, while chuckling at the nicknames I've given our captors

>We make sure to interlock their arms, so they can't just simply walk off

>I also make sure to gag and put mittens on the baphometsar so that she can't cast any verbal or somatic spells

>I quickly open the door and see that the guards are still there staring into the hallway while talking

>"I told you already. It's pronounced NEW-tell-uh, not NUT-tell-uh"

>"It's made with fucking nuts, not newts. Is peanut butter pronounced pea-newt butter now?

>"You're a fucking idiot. Check the goddamn website and it tells you in the first paragraph"

>While listening to these fuckers argue over the pronunciation over a hazelnut spread, that is more sugar than hazelnut

>I gesture for Rouge to hand me something out of the toolbox

>She tosses me a fire axe with the words "Knock-knock" carved into the handle

>Well not my weapon of choice. But it'll have to do

>I pick pocket a flashbang off one of the lolicon-commandos and pulls the pin and let go of the lever

>Counting a few seconds I roll it into the group of them close the door

>*Bang*

>I slam open the door knocking one fucker to his ass, I proceed to axe him a question

>Sadly the body armor is well made and doesn't let me split him like a log

>Doesn't mean I didn't break any ribs though

>I hit the next guy aiming at his neck but only manage to hit is helmet and knock him to the ground

>I work on the others kicking them in their nuts and generally beat them like the degenerates they are

>When it's all said and done I prepare to decapitate them but a better idea crosses my mind, plus it saves the floor from blood stains

"Rouge I need you to grab me some cloth to tie these fuckers up"

>With a simple nod she jumps into her closet and begins her search

>Now I just need eight wooden planks

>I pull up some wooden planks from the floor and nail them together into the shape of a cross

>Wait wasn't I supposed to save the floor?

>Eh, I came this far

>>335877

>I finish my carpentry and strip the lolicon-commandos and put some body armor I commandeered from them

>I'm practically giddy when I grab one of the submachine guns, but that enjoyment quickly wears down while I rifling through the pockets of the degenerates that the bullets are demon silver

>Well that's a fucking let down

>Rouge comes out with some cloth strips and blankly stares at me

<"Wh-what are you doing?"

"Degenerate like them belong on the cross"

>I swipe the cloth strips from her and quickly tie their ankles and arms to the cross then prop it against the wall

>I do the same for every degenerate and stare at my handiwork

<"To be honest. I thought you were going to nail them"

"I did it to keep the floor clean"

<"But you just tore out-"

"I said. Clean"

>She drops it and changes the subject

>Just as I get ready to leave I feel Rouge grab me by the shoulder

<"What are we going to do about them? We can't just leave them here"

>What should I do?

1. Bleach and ammonia shower

2. Get the jumper cables

3. Go see if momma mosquito finished dinner

4. Make them lawn decorations

5. Alt+F4

Rolled 8 (1d20)

>>335878

>6. Ctrl+F5

You are ERANDIS. A Lich. An undead abomination with powers far beyond the mortal ken, mostly because to ken them you end up running out of mortality and into a lifetime deficit. Hence the need to be undead.

Your test dummy specimen prospective mate TEAM LEADER, Pala Dindu the paladindu, has been abducted by literal bloodsuckers, and not the cultured, bats-in-the-belfry kind. This cannot continue. Rally the meatshields pack mules backup organ bags TEAM with what little you remember from those online public speaking courses you dropped out of, and summon a small army of boney gals to supplement their efforts. You haven't had the chance to do a full physical examination of the leader, after all, and you haven't bedded him finished experimenting yet.

Rolled 15 (1d20)

>>335878

3.

Offer your apologies to the mother about the floorboards as a necessary evil against degeneracy. Offer what little compensation you can afford. Make an inventory check since we haven't done that for the past many posts. Politely leave after having your fill and thank them all for the hospitality. Take the jailbait with you on your way out to act as future… bait .

>>335878

>Man all this crucifying sure has made me hungry

"Hey, let's go see if your mom finished cooking, I'm starving"

>Rouge pulls out her phone inspecting it

<"Yep, I just got a text. The food is done"

>I make one final check to see that our "guests" don't decide to leave their room

>I search through my pockets and try to find something that I could gift Rouge's mother, as to "Sorry about the floorboards"

>Unfortunately, I'm not sure lint is actually worth anything

>We eventually reach the dining room and see the table is completely filled with food, ribs, crawfish, chili, cheese burgers, biscuits, steak, bbq beans, macaroni, fried chicken and… is that alligator? I only ask because I see the head of it while the cooked meat is lined up behind it

>There's plenty more soul food that would make any hellhound sing in a church choir for a taste

>But strange enough it's devoid of people

>I walk up and down the table wondering where to start first, but Rouge quickly taps my shoulder and points outside past the closed sliding door

>Is that a party going on? And one where there's no undead trying to kill me?

>I grab a plate of food and stack it up high and walk outside with Rouge helping to balance my plate

>We find the table where Rouge's parents are set up and set down my food

>Rouge's mom seems to be fidgeting, as if she's bothered by something deeply disturbing, or maybe she's thinking she left the oven on

>"Heh, ya hungry son?"

>Dad jokes

"And you must be Rouge's father. It's good to meet a human around here"

>"Likewise, son"

>I'm not counting PackMule because she's a disappointment

"So, what's the party about?"

>"One: for the New Years and two: it's my-"

<"OUR"

>"Right. Our daughter's wedding"

>I look over to Rouge and lifting an eyebrow and the corner of my lip

"Her's?"

>I say as I point to Rouge.

>Rouge instantly goes red and starts blushing and stammering

>"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

>Rouge's dad lets out a hearty laugh

>"No it's her older sister's wedding. Of course, if you wanted to, we could always make this a double wedding"

>Rouge is practically… well… rouge when her dad mentions "double wedding"

>Me and Rouge's father enjoy a laugh, while mother and daughter have mini panic attacks

"So we got any beer around here?"

>Rouge's dad pulls out two cans from under the table and tosses me one

Achievement Earned: Cracking open a cold one

>I take a sip and quickly notice that this isn't beer

>It's cream soda

Achievement Un-Earned: Cracking open a cold one

>We both sit at the table while Rouge's mom Rubi drags her away complaining about how she has to find a dress for her to wear

"OH AND I MIGHT'VE ACCIDENTALLY USED YOUR FLOORBOARDS AS WOOD TO MAKE A CROSS TO CRUCIFY SOME LOLICONS"

>Everyone in earshot quickly turns to me and looks abashed and some are just laughing their asses off

>Rouge's mom takes that new piece of information less than eager

"Why is she so worried? All the food is cooked and everything is set up"

>"Well ya see, sonny. I forgot to tell my wife that our daughter had planned the wedding on New Years and holding it here"

>"And well… she's a bit miffed. Most of the food in there was brought by our guests luckily enough. But I guess it's a piece of pride that she cook the most food and not rely on our guests, that were supposed to serve"

>"I can tell ya I'm sleeping on the couch tonight"

>"So… what was that about crucifying lolicons?"

>Me and Rouge's dad shoot the shit for a bit, while I check my gear.

>>335888

Noice trips btw

Rolled 15 (1d20)

>>336073

1. Just tell him the truth and requisition his help in getting rid of the loli and oni.

Rolled 18 (1d20)

>>336127

Man, the dice really dislike my shitty memes don't they?

Rolled 4 (1d20)

>>336127

>Rolled 1 (1d20)

>>336073

1. Come clean as we have nothing to be ashamed of.

>>336073

>Gotta think quick

>What to do… what to do

>I glance at the window

>Bingo

>Time to defenestrate my problems away

>Wait. What the fuck does defenestrate mean?

>I hop over to the computer and make sure to turn off the stream, cutting off the free pay-per-view television from those masochistic alp fags

>Defenestrate: throw someone out of a window

>That's an… oddly specific word

>But, hey. If the puzzle piece fits, don't argue

>I lift up the still conjoined loli-oni and start spinning, like how Mario would spin when he grabs Bowser's tail

"RAVIOLI RAVIOLI WHAT'S IN THE POCKETOLI"

>After picking up sufficient speed I toss both of them like dirty laundry into the hamper

>And like throwing dirty laundry into the hamper I fucking miss and they hit the wall instead, creating a baphomet oni shaped hole in it

>My head feels like it's spinning, my stomach is twisted up more than a rollercoaster and my legs cant stop trying to re-balance me

>You'd be surprised how dizzy you get from constantly spinning

>Not one to give up after failing, I go to pick them up and try again. Just like a carnival game

>And just like any other carnival game I get cheated

>Thanks to being dizzier than basic white bitch in Cancun

>I fall out the window and defenestrate myself

>Luckily it's a short fall into a nice bed of dead roses and the soft mud underneath

>I guess it's hard to grow anything when the water is pure cholera and the soil is more shifty than a back alley kitsune offering "blessings"

>I hear a scream as I look up and see… Rouge?

>It looks like her but older- Oh right sister

>The not-Rouge is still screaming. If I had to guess why, it would be because I just covered her wedding dress in mud

>I quickly kip up and start brushing the mud off of me

"C'mon it ain't that bad. Let me help you"

>I grab her and start to brush off the mud like I did to myself

>Unfortunately she did not stay still, or maybe it's because white shows mud easier than black does, either way I had rubbed the mud straight into the wedding dress staining and ruining it

>Unsurprisingly she became irate

<"You… you… you…"

<"YOU RUINED MY DRESS. MY SPECIAL DAY IS RUINED"

>She falls to her knees in despair and starts crying about, how "I'll never be able to live this down", or how "My pictures are ruined" or how "Blah blah blah"

>She just continues bawling her eyes about her dress

>Ahh shit I feel sorta bad

>What to do

1. Leave before momma mosquito gives me malaria

2. It's a new style

3. Use the washer

4. Don't you have an extra?

5. No witnesses

>>336133

Check'd

Rolled 7 (1d20)

>>336264

Well, with that kinda roll you can't really argue can you? Seconded

>>336264

I didn't put it in my post but maybe sligthly apologize too.

You did mess up her dress on her wedding day after all.

>>336264

"Now That's The Power Of OXYCLEAN!"

>>336262

>Clearly my style is just to avant garde for this pleb

"Do you have a washer?"

<"Yeah, but the ceremony will start in thirty minutes we don't-"

>I hoist her up over my shoulder and run around to the front of the mansion and kick down each door hoping to find the washer

"Where's the washer?"

<"In the basement"

"You guys have a basement? While you live in a literal swamp, you guys somehow manages to build a basement and keep it from flooding!?"

<"Yes…"

"Well works for me"

>I kick down the door to the stairs and slide down the handrail

>I kick open one more door and bingo, washer and dryer together

>I set down not-Rouge and start trying to undress her

<"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"

"How else am I going to fucking clean your dress dumbass?"

<"I'M GETTING MARRIED DO YOU THINK I'LL JUST LET YOU SEE ME NAKED?"

"Your naked under your dress?"

>She starts blushing furiously

<"It's for our honeymoon…"

"Lucky for you I got the perfect idea as to fix this problem"

<"I got an idea too. Why don't you leave-"

>I open up the washer, grab not-Rouge by her wedding dress and toss her into the washer

>Just before I close the lid and start the wash, I remember to add some detergent

>Tide pods

>I check the instructions

*DO NOT EAT, RETARD

>Hmmmm… I don't let some danuki run company tell me what to do

>I jam one into my mouth and start chewing

*Use one pod per load

>If one pod cleans one load… then all the pods would clean all the loads

>I open the lid to the washer and dump all the pods into the washer

<"WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU LUNATIC?"

>Noticing the taste of soap and detergent is actually pretty shitty and that I probably just poisoned myself I spit in the washer

<"WHAT. THE. FU-"

>I slam it again and start the cycle while I lean over to the sink and start washing my mouth out

>Somewhere out in the eternal beyond I feel Billy Mays frowning at me

>I notice that we only have twenty minutes till the ceremony starts

>Looks like I'll have to kick this washer into high gear

>I start kicking and punching the washer, threatening the machine spirit

"I swear if you don't clean this bitch right fucking now I'll turn you into scrap"

>Surprisingly it starts shaking harder and I can hear water whooshing around even faster

>In fact the washer is washing so hard that I can't even hear not-Rouge anymore… not that if she died would I be sad, but her family might be a little sad and angry over me murdering their daughter

>I watch the clock like a hawk-girl and give the washer a kick every now and then to make sure it's not getting lazy

>When I deliver an especially hard kick the lid on the washer suddenly loosens and starts to spew bubbles and foam

>I try shoving down the lid and stop the emerging bubbles, but knocking at the door interrupts me

>I open the door and slip out

<"GOOD LORD WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE"

>I look to see it's Rouge's mom, Rubi

"Uhhhh- Aurora Borealis"

<"Eh- Aurora Borealis!? At this time of year, at this time day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within my laundry room!?"

"Yes"

<"…May I see it?"

"Hmm… No"

>I quickly jump back into the room to see that the bubble have completely enveloped it

>Fighting back against the tide of bubbles, I pop them all and accidentally killed a water elemental girl while in the process

>I open the washer again and pull out the soaking wet, and completely clean, bride-to-be

"How you feeling champ?"

<"Everything is spinning"

"Well, you'll learn to love the feeling soon enough"

>I toss her into the dryer, making sure I don't forget the dryer sheet

>Shit only ten minutes left

>I turn it to the highest ability to dry and start kicking and abusing the machine with threats or even more violence

>Shit this dryer is tough. I'll have to come up with something it fears more than just being kicked

"If you don't dry this bitch right now, I'll- I'll- I'll get the toaster"

>The dryer suddenly springs up and starts to jerk around and heat up

>That got it going

>In less than five minutes it starts to speed down and eventually stop

>I pull out not-Rouge and see that she is practically radiating beauty

>Kinda like how a valkyrie or an angel glows

>I plant not-Rouge on her feet and watch her fall right over

>Guess she is too dizzy

>I take it upon myself to pick her up take her to the kitchen

>I set her down on a chair, where she just sorta stares off into space while lolling her about every so often

>In the freezer I find it

>Vodka, this ought to wake her up

>I jam the bottle past her lips and tilt it back forcing it down her gullet

>I less than a five seconds she quickly comes back to her senses and slaps the bottle away

>>336480

You beautiful bastard. Will We have Kenny Loggins playing on the speakers?

Rolled 20 (1d20)

>>336467

1. They better have mead, or at the very least some monastery beer. Go and get good and proper sloshed. Maybe even off-handedly hit on Rouge for a laugh. Shit give a toast if you're feeling it. Finally leave on good terms with all of them.

Rolled 6 (1d20)

>>336467

1. The Vampire situation can wait, it would be awfully rude to leave on such short notice.

>>336467

>Time to get shitfaced

"Hey, you guys have any mead, or beer or… anything like that?"

>Rouge's mom looks surprised for a moment, then quickly her eyes deflate

<"I'm sorry sugar, after last time with the whole debacle, when my hubby got drunk then got kidnapped by a bicorn. Well, I won't bore you with the details. We don't have any-"

>"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

>Suddenly screaming can be heard as a man holding a case, wearing a sombrero jumps from the second floor, grabbing the chandler and swinging off of it, and finally landing on the table

>Get a better look at the man and see his case is full of beer, and it's Rouge's dad. Guess he must've made a beer run

>Rouge's mom furrows her brow and quickly goes up to drag her husband off the table, by his ear

>"Ow, ow, ow, ow. What was that for?"

<"Do you not remember what happened last time when you got drunk?"

>"No"

<"Go and pour that all down the-"

>Rouge's mom glances over to me, then back at her husband, putting two and two together. She takes a deep sigh, then lets go of her husbands ear

<"Fine. You can keep your beer. But you're not leaving my sight this time"

>I quickly go up and see what he's got on tap tonight

>Holy shit

>Scotch, whisky, bourbon, moonshine, vodka, tequila, rum, gin, brandy, and mead… That's a lot of alcohol. Is this a crate of holding?

>I smile at this new revelation. But my mind lingers back on something

"Wait, what about the vodka I just found in the fridge?"

<"What vodka- OH, that wasn't vodka, that was tonic water. I was trying to play a prank on my hubby"

>Rouge's dad stares over to his wife incredulously

"Alright, enough playing around"

"LET'S GET SHITFACED"

>I grab all the mead I can carry and make my way out of the kitchen and into the backyard

>Many of the guests are happy to finally get something to wet their whistle, well most of them are. The one's with kidswho the fuck brings kids to a wedding anyways?, the pussywhipped soyboys who don't get to drink and their bitchy demon girlfriends.

>Me and Rouge's dad go around passing people their beverage of choice before sitting down and enjoying our own drinks and food

>Bored, we eventually get into our own little drinking competition

>We stack up open bottles of mead and quickly start downing them as fast as humanly possible

>I easily leave him in the dust as I chug bottle after bottle, garnering some attention from our guests, especially the satyroses

>Rouge's dad not used to drinking as much in his advanced age admits defeat, or it could be the fact that his wife is digging her claws into his back

>Either way

>This ain't done till I'm fucking sloshed

>I keep going downing bottle after bottle as the crowd cheers around me

>All good things must come to an end though, I finish the final bottle of mead and promptly smack my head on the table drunk as shit

>After that everything is sorta just a blur

>I think I remember music and Rouge's sister being escorted down the aisle

>I remember seeing Rouge in her own dress with some friends and extended family, being bridesmaids and all that boring shit

>I don't get a good look at the groom but from what I can tell he's on of those fuckers that grew up in a city, and probably masturbated to his succubus french teacher. I bet that faggot never even killed anyone before

>Some sappy vows and that shitty Ed Sheeran song that is always played at every fucking wedding/prom/club since it came out

>I just slam my head down and avoid listening to it again

>I wake up again as I feel someone shaking my shoulder

>Feeling much less inebriated I can actually lift my head up, no hangover either, I feel pretty fucking good

<"Mister… uh, guest?"

>I turn around and see it's Rouge in one of those red tube dresses

"What?"

>She extends her hand inviting me to dance with the rest of the bridesmaids and their dates

>Why the fuck not

>I stand up, waking my legs and use one hand to grab her shoulder and the other wrapped our her waist

>It goes off without a hitch, unless you count Rouge turning redder than an apple not a hitch, which I don't. Bullying is fun

>She just buries her head into my chest to hide her shame

>You know come to think of it, she's pretty short. I'm only 5'10"

>How old is she anyways?

>Before I can ask her for her age the dance is over and the cake is starting to be cut

>Plenty of pictures are taken and videos are captured, you know, the whole sha-bang

>I grab some cake after everyone is finished ogling at the ability of two adults being able to use a knife. Of course in this day and age, considering the disparity between people who grew up in the cities, ala being able to actually read and not worrying about dysentery and those that grew up outside, who cannot read and most likely carry the pox, I'd forgive people being surprised at the such a occasion

>>336731

>I wait for everyone to clear from the cake and finally grab a piece. Red-fucking-velvet cake. Of-fucking-course

>I spit out the disgusting red colored sponge disguised as a dessert. And feed the rest to some kobold like the dog she is

>The wedded couple finally walks off while everyone is lined up at the sides of the aisle taking pictures and throwing rice

>Before the couple "retires" for the night, Rouge's sister throws the bouquet

>Girl must've had a arm on her, cause it clears the crowd and lands straight into my lap

>I give Rouge a point and a wink, which causes everyone to either laugh, or go "Awwww"

>Rouge though is blushing as hard as a monster could blush

>The party dies down, the guests leave and the only sound that can be heard in the house is Rouge's mom and dad cleaning the dishes and a bed creaking

>Tired I crash on the couch and turn on the TV

>Shit it's only three AM and counting the sun doesn't rise till like seven I got time

>I close my eyes and start resting. I still have a irking feeling about me

"Hey, Rouge. How old are you?"

<"Sixteen"

>I can hear sirens in the distance

>I instantly sit up and go for the door

"Well it was nice meeting you. I'll come visit for the holidays"

>I open the doors and run into the swamp, not caring for leeches, ticks or mosquitoes

>I just need to GO

>I eventually saddle down tired from trudging through mud

>I suddenly hear a familiar group of voices

<"So do you think, whats-his-face, actually hates us?"

<"I don't think that. He's either extremely pragmatic and see's us useful or see's us as actual companions and just enjoys messing with us"

<"I think he's a tsundere…"

<"Lycia, you're going to have to run that by me one more time, I don't read those mangoes I buy you"

<"*Mangas. And it means when someone just uses facade of disliking someone to hide their actually feelings"

<"So… you're saying he fucks with us because he likes us?"

<"You know that kinda makes sense"

>I just lay there in the bush, eye twitching in angry and disbelief

>How do I deal with these fuckers?

1. Swamp water boarding time

2. Verbal abuse

3. Leave them

4. Hang myself

Rolled 8 (1d20)

>>336732

5. WOOOOOO

That update was very nice and enjoyable to read.

Maybe its because the humour of the story usualy revolves around exageration of violence so having something hearthwarming is a nice contrast.

>>336732

>I, for some reason, feel the inexplicable urge to put Erandis in a headlock and tell them how much I missed them

>Well no reason to fight it

>I jump out from my hidey bush and kick the back of her knee, sending her right into my arms

>I promptly wrap my arms around her neck, putting her in a choke hold

<"HRRRK"

"Did I ev'a tell ya 'ow *hic* much I miss'd ya guyses? Well… I miss'd ya a *hic* ton, ya guyses are mah only friendses, we've *hic* been t'rough tick 'n tin. If anyting *hic* happen'd ta ya while I was *hic* away… I'd find da fucker who hurt ya, *hic* 'n make 'em swallow mah *hic* sword. I guess what Imma try'n ta say is… I love ya all 'n happy 'n tankful to be with ya. I'm not da best at blow'n sunshine up 'ur asses but I'll try."

>Erandis starts to slap at my forearm attempting to get my attention

"Erandis. Witout ya *hic* I would be walk'n like a lame *hic* centaur, or like da danookis I crippl'd in high school"

>I squeeze even tighter to the point where I crush her windpipe

<"Uhhhhh… Are you alright?"

>I look to the voice to find it's none other than

"PACKMULE"

>I pick her up and toss her around a bit before pulling her into a crushing bearhug, that makes her rib cage compress and expel all her air

"Packy, did I ev'a *hic* tell ya how much ya mean *hic* ta me? Ya been wit me since da start, plus, *hic* I mean, who would carry mah shit if ya weren't around"

>I pull PackMule into an even tighter hug as I see her face turn blue

>I let her go and watch as she crumples to the ground, gasping and sputtering

>I turn to the youngest of the trio of my companions

>Lycia backs up while holding up her claws in a "stop" gesture

>I sprint at her and tackle her sending both of us to the ground

>I quickly get up to my feet and hoist her up to her feet and try to lift her like I lifted PackMule

>Unfortunately she really heavy, like trying to lift a lion, goat, and snake heavy

>So I just decide to grab her by her horns and pull her into my chest, kinda like how a QB holds a football when gets tackled

"Lycia, did I ev'a tell ya how much ya remind me of younga me. Ya destined for greatness, all's ya gotta do is grabsp it"

>While hugging Lycia's head I feel a tap on my shoulder

>I turn around to see it's Erandis fixing her crushed windpipe and handing me glass of orange liquid with leaves in it

<"Drink this"

>Trusting my one of greatest friends I grab the glass and knock it back

>I start coughing as the taste of orange juice and toothpaste fills my mouth

"What the fuck?"

<"Feeling better?"

"What do you…"

>I feel my face turn red as I start walking off in any direction

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>336939

Use that SMG with the tainted silver to pop the hostess right between the eyes. We're in a hurry, and this shit isn't on the list of things we got time for right now. Go fetch the medic afterwards.

>>336939

>I just stand there trying to decide what to do

<"So are you going to just stand there like a statue, or are you going to dance for me?"

>I turn around and quickly start loading the submachine gun

<"What are you doing back there?

"Arietta was it? Can you turn around for me?"

<"And why, pray tell, should I?"

"To commemorate my favorite actor"

>I quickly turn around and aim the gun right between her eyes, using one hand only for ＳＴＹＬＥ

"Sic Semper Tyrannis"

>She barely has time to register the fact that I just pulled a gun on her and plan to perforate her skull

>I pull the trigger and the gun fires without a hitch… unfortunately I'm not a gun person and I didn't set it to semi-auto

>It sprays bullets everywhere punching through the magic shield Arietta had set up

>Guess it just stopped magic attacks, not physical

>The bullets that had managed to hit her must've hit her eye and ear, considering those are the two places she's holding in pain

>I start loading in another magazine, fumbling and cursing, and quickly aim at her again pulling the trigger

>*Click*

>Wait… I didn't load in the new round…

>Arietta snaps her fingers and the gun bursts into blue flames

>I quickly drop it as the metal starts to warp and the plastics melt

>Hang on… bull + heat = …

>I grab my to other companions and dive to the ground

>It's like fireworks going off as bullets fire off in the magazine

>After it's all said and done we look back to see a molten pile of slag on the stage

>I turn my head to see Arietta is completely fine, besides a minor twitch in her eye that I shot

<"Demon silver? I'll have to admit that it hurt, but it's still demon silver, you would've had done more damage if you used a Nerf gun"

<"Now if you excuse me. I have to go replace my undergarments"

>She gets up and starts walking away, awkwardly, kinda like how someone would walk when their pants get wet

"What…"

>She snaps her fingers again, before she leaves, a trap door opens underneath us, and well, gravity does the rest of the work

>Or it would have, if I didn't see this coming from a mile away easier than you can see a wurm driving down property values

>I'm left hanging on the edge with PackMule and Lycia hanging on me

<"C'mon pull us up"

>I'm left struggling hanging onto the edge

>PackMule is left screaming clearly scared at the prospect of falling into the abyss

<"DON'T LET ME GO I DON'T WANNA FALL I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS"

"I-I'm trying fatass"

>My fingers start going white and numb

>I don't think I can hold on much longer

>What should I do?

1. Light weight motherfucker

2. Long live the king

3. Let go

4. Ｌｅｔ　ｇｏ

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>337191

You got a low number because that's not how he got strong. He didn't get strong through physical means, he got strong from his constant burdens and feels. Let's roll again.

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>337183

1. Use Lycia's snake bits as a rope.

Rolled 1 (1d20)

>>337183

2.

Make like a dangling scientist that can't hold on much longer.