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File: 184d4e70516ae55⋯.mp4 (1.26 MB, 326x246, 163:123, mistakes.mp4)

 No.339397

Need to get this off my chest because it's been looming on for way too long.

For most of my teenage life I didn't what was wrong with me, I felt always sad or dissatisfied with life, nothing really made me happy, except the sweet comfort of food and video games. So most of my life I spent it either on a console or in front of a computer screen. I shut myself at a pretty young age playing WoW and League, even skipped all my years exams to stay home and play league to climb it out of the ranks.

Anyways one day it just hit me, I realized what had happened to me all those years ago, a person who I trusted defiled me in a way where it kind of stole a part of me, it stole my masculinity, unfortunately for me, I'm not built all pale and with feminine features, so going full cuteboy is out of question, but I fantasize about it, I've even gone on some webcam sites chatted up old men, just for the rush of it ? I guess it was more something that I felt where I had control over what can happen to me now, If I wanted to could get fucked, willingly, and somehow that would erase the first time.

But the more I think about it, the less sense it makes, now I'm just tired of all the porn I've consumed it literally is destroying my mind, I can't decide if I have these gay tendencies because of what happened to me or was I born with it, if I go out with a girl can I be straight ? or atleast being bi ? Aside from being a complete autist with girls, I don't think I'm ready for relationship with either gender. I've had feelings for girls, you know ? Like crushes and these girls that got away kind of shit, so what the fuck is up with me, I don't know and you probably don't know either if you can relate on what I have to say, and for those of you who have not dealt with rape (hopefully it's the majority of yall), take it as a case study or whatever go back to jerking off, that's what half are still doing if you're reading this.

Now I'm 18, I think I'm about to take the first steps to move on from this experience, which really you you hardly ever move on, you just grow out of it.

I think there is an analogy that goes; a person is like a tree, if you scar it with a knife, the tree cannot replace to scarred parts because it only grown on itself, but what the tree can do is to expand further than the wound and make it a smaller part of it.

So the conclusion is, I think try to be the best person that you can be, do right by others but don't let people walk over you, have many facets about yourself, so that one scar that seemed so big. Well, now my friend, it is only a fraction of what you have become.

tl;dr rape sucks yo, but that dont mean you cant be a dope ass dude

Sorry if this was a heavy subject to any of you, but hopefully, I helped in some way, probably not though.

 No.339405

>>339397

> if I go out with a girl can I be straight ? or atleast being bi ? Aside from being a complete autist with girls, I don't think I'm ready for relationship with either gender. I've had feelings for girls, you know ? Like crushes and these girls that got away kind of shit, so what the fuck is up with me

I can relate to this feeling 100%, but I don't know if I was raped as a child or not.

>For most of my teenage life I didn't what was wrong with me, I felt always sad or dissatisfied with life, nothing really made me happy, except the sweet comfort of food and video games.

Same with this. I'm not going to pretend I understand anything about this 100%, but I balance my views on homosexuality between this short documentary https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUJRgHb6DxM&index=1 and this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J04bRx2MGi4

The first one covers the statistics and prevalence of homosexual molestation- the main points being that 30-40% of all molesters are homosexual, despite homosexuals being only 2% of the population (or that phony 10% figure that has been debunked). It then talks about how some if not many of those molested end up being gay, and consider their molestation to be the cause of their homosexuality. Many of these molested children will go on to molest other children to re-enact their trauma on their terms. (some kind of psychological thing), and some if not many end up being future child molesters in the future.

The second documentary covers homosexuality being caused by a failure to maintain proper hormone levels for a fetus while it is still in it's developing stages. There's a critical stage where if it gets too little or too much male hormone, then it will have a less masculine brain (since all fetus's are born female- they have to be made male. that fact about all fetus's starting out female is why men have nipples.)

I've balanced the occurrence of homosexuality to be some kind of balance between these two groups- with exception to "prison-gay" which is just a kind of fetish-escalation that straight people can go through which can make them attracted to anything- including other males. This kind of escalation takes place in prisons, but also in society amongst socially isolated individuals. Pornography can also escalate people to homosexuality as a fetish.

The first documentary probably interests you the most, but I put these other theories/idea out there so as not to give the idea that molestation is the only reason why you or anyone else is gay.


 No.339406

>>339405

to explain

>but I don't know if I was raped as a child or not.

another thing that the first documentary talks about is the possibility of repressed memories of the molestation. that might clear up what i meant here.


 No.339436

>>339405

Honestly, I feel like with me not socializing and not interacting with females, I just developed weird fetishes like futa or traps, or whatever the fuck.

But honestly I just hope on to the next thing that gives me a ''thrill' like, oh why am I doing this but cant stop kinda spirals into going full circle, then I go nofap for a while, repress the degeneracy for awhile, get rejected by a lot of women, then its back to me jerking to something like humiliation porn or whatever, I think there is definetely something addicting to be in a mindstate where you could definetely just be a slave to someone, although you won't do it, the thought of yourself being in that scenario and regretting gets you more turned on ? I don't know this is how my mind works, I just draw conclusions wherever I see fit, might be wrong with all of the assumptions.

But yeah, I've isolated myself and kinda, spiraled down into this very very gay phase where I just did the most degrading stuff just for the cheap thrill, I don't know anymore if it's a fetish or a sexuality, or both ? It's really hard to define because your mind isn't 100% in your control, you create patterns so the brain follows those patterns .

I feel like what I have to do is to break those patterns for a long time and just be free for once of always thinking this shit when I should be living my life and enjoying my youth.

But I feel like I left more questions then answers here, but oh well


 No.339440

You just consume too much atrazine, it makes you gay.


 No.339441

>>339405

I just watched bits and pieces of this and I never realized this before now, but I think a lot of those older men I would be attracted to when I'm like just losing myself to porn, it's fucking sick and twisted that I just realized that, but I think it will help in the long run.

I don't know though, I don't know if I'm still going to be here for long, this shit been eating at me and I don't think I can take it a lot longer, I don't want to end up like that, and it's fucked for me to say, but I think a lot of people here are in denial, but hopefully they can seek help before it's too late, I don't know what to think anymore, I mean I just don't know where to put myself in all of this, it's really hard to outgrow this kinda shit man.

But yeah… don't know what to do with this information, but I don't think it's negative information in a way, because maybe one day if I look back, I'll know what caused it, but I feel like there's not a real concrete way.

I'm off for tonight, I'll check the thread when I wake up, night night


 No.339442

>>339440

I think there is a lot of factors to it, but I think it might be worth considering that it may have helped in my tremendous faggotry


 No.339492

>>339405

There has been a lot of mention of the fact that a large number of convicted pedophiles (ie: child molestors) are homosexual. Even if these statistics are true, it does not mean that homosexuals are more likely to be pedophiles (which is what many claim). This is a kind of broken statistics, because criminals are a separate group from non-criminals, not a sample. You can extrapolate information about a sample taken from a larger group, to apply it to that larger group; you CANNOT extrapolate the information about that sample to a different group. That is inappropriate.

Now, statistics are a bit difficult for a lot of people to wrap their head around. Many people don't understand why criminals cannot be considered a sample of the non-criminal population, so don't understand why more pedophiles being homosexuals doesn't mean more homosexuals are pedophiles. The fact is, criminals who commit terrible crimes have different brains than non-criminals (which is why they are willing to commit those terrible crimes; few people would contest this basic assertion), therefore they are a separate group, not a sample of the whole population. Statistics is still math, though, and a lot of people don't understand math or the exact terminology used. So, I've devised a little analogy that is easy for anyone to grasp, and I call it the "M&M Paradox".


 No.339493

>>339492

cont.

Suppose it's the future, and M&Ms come in all sorts of colors, now. They're got yellow and blue and red ones, but also purple ones, black ones, white ones, turquoise ones, etc. In fact, if you grab a bag of M&Ms, you will find there are 20 different colors of them, randomly assorted. Let's look at classic green ones; 1 out of 20, or 5% of any bag will be green ones.

So, one day M&Ms decides to throw a special promotion. A very small number of M&Ms will now be randomly filled with white chocolate instead of milk chocolate. In ever bag there will be a few of them, and they can come in any color shell. You and some of your friends immediately go out and buy a whole bunch of these special bags and take them home. When you empty the bags out and begin to sort them, you notice (as will naturally happen) that some of the M&Ms are broken. This means you can see which of them have white chocolate inside, so you set those aside. Once you've sorted them all out, you have a HUGE pile of unbroken M&Ms, a small pile of broken ones, and a very small pile of broken ones with white chocolate.

Well, that's when you notice something peculiar. Of the broken M&Ms with white chocolate, HALF of them have green shells. Of course, you immediately think that the green M&Ms must be more likely to have white chocolate in them. That's only logical. You're eagar to test out this theory, so your friends grab some hammers and start breaking open ALL the other M&Ms. You eat the ones that prove to not have white chocolate, so it's an enjoyable experience. Once you're finished, you sort all the white chocolate M&Ms into separate color piles, but there's a problem. First of all, there's a lot fewer white chocolate M&Ms than you expected, but worse: the number is consistant across all different colors of shell. There are just as many blue ones, or red ones, or black ones, etc., with white chocolate as there are green ones. How can that be? There should be more green ones here, too. It's a paradox. Maybe your statistical analysis was wrong?

You're curious about this, so you call up the factory that makes the M&Ms, and that's when they let you in on a little secret. It turns out that white chocolate makes the M&Ms more brittle than usual, and the ones with the green shells are much more fragile than all the other colors; it's some kind of interaction between the green ink and the white chocolate. So, that's the M&M Paradox solved!

Going back here, let's extend the analogy back to the original topic. The color of the M&M shells represents sexual orientation: only the green ones are homosexual, or 5% of the total. White chocolate represents a predeliction toward criminal pedophilia, that is: a person very likely to molest a child. Broken M&Ms are the criminals in prison, who were convicted of a crime. Therefore, the broken white-chocolate M&Ms represent the pedophiles convicted of child molestation. In this case, it becomes obvious why it's not correct to apply statistics from one group (broken M&Ms) to the whole (unbroken ones) when the fact was that the white chocolate ones were more likely to be broken in the first place. In fact, supposing ALL the white-chocolate ones were broken, then the statistics applied to those would be COMPLETELY INAPPLICABLE to the unbroken ones; 0% of the unbroken ones would have white chocolate in them, because all the white chocolate ones already broke.

Now it becomes clear how this paradox can be solved. It's not that convicted pedophiles are more likely to be homosexual, it's that homosexual pedophiles are more likely to be convicted. There are a lot of reasons why this may be the case, and they could be similar to ones concerning race (African Americans who commit crimes may be more likely to receive longer prison sentences because of racism, and homosexual child molesters may be more likely to recieve longer prison sentences because of homophobia); or it could be a biological componant, some microcosm of combining homosexuality and pedophilia in the same brain makes a person more likely to commit a crime. Considering pretty much every child molester gets caught and imprisoned, you can now understand why any statistics about them shouldn't be applied to those people who DON'T commit a crime. Any average homosexual plucked off the street is very unlikely to be a pedophile, because almost all the homosexual pedophiles are already in prison.


 No.340495

>>339397

Wow. This is actually very similar to me, OP.

I was raped on a camping trip when I was 15, and it really destroyed a part of me, along with my ability to trust people.

Since then, I've gone through a lot of stuff, wanting to end my life, feeling alone, becoming kind of awkward afterwards, people wondering why I'd start shaking when I saw anything to do with a tent, etc.

Even with my sexuality, I wasn't sure and hope what had happened to me didn't taint it.

I've come to realize that I am surely bi, as I have had real feelings for both.

Anyway, I'm actually 19 now. And lately, for the first time in years, I've really been getting my life back on track. Being active, eating healthy, improving my body, etc. It feels so good. I feel like I'm finally moving past it in my own way.


 No.341271

>>340495

Good for you man, I'm at a crossroad here too, fortunately (I don't know if I can correct this as fortune) most of my life I repressed this memory so I wasn't affected by it in the scale that I am affected by it now.

But I've grown to see that this thing that happened, never can be undone, but the future offers many opportunities, and I hope that you and me, and many other men have a chance to retake their life in control.

I've spent a lot of time alone, and I've come to accept the side of myself that has been affected by it and come to realization that you can grow in a way where the person that you will become will be much more than that side of the person, it seems that we have to busy ourselves and seek very big achievements so that we can prove to ourselves that we are not broken.

Maybe we will never be unbroken, but we can start to add new pieces to us, and create a mosaique.


 No.341285

>>339397

I dont understand where all these selective amnesiac moron rape victims come from


 No.341983

File: 08327ce2444b7fa⋯.mp4 (1.77 MB, 480x360, 4:3, prism.mp4)

>>341285

I don't know man, maybe I just feel like there's no other place to talk about this stuff


 No.342038

Childhood trauma leads to homosexuality.

Not having a father figure leads to homosexuality

Not having a mother leads to homosexuality as having only father will lead to childhood trauma.

If you don't turn gay you turn into an outlaw to society. One that gets tattoos and piercings on the body to show just how much you don't care.

If you didn't receive it from that then you either saw gay stuff, was included in gay stuff and liked it.

Have you spok to a therapist


 No.342040

>>341983

you sure you didnt conjure this shit up in a doctors office?

most people with adverse experiences commit pathological behavior because they constantly remember bad things, not because they forgot

unless of course im the only alcoholic with photographic memory


 No.342205

File: af8339d0f8a8953⋯.jpg (8.52 KB, 225x225, 1:1, morpheus.jpg)

>>342040

Unfortunately for me I wish it was just something made up in my mind, but I'm pretty sure it happened, cause I remember something pretty vividly now.

good luck with that alcoholism buddy


 No.342206

>>342205

Did you just remember this or was it something that you've remembered before and just sort of correlated to your sexuality now?


 No.342212

>>342206

It was kind of recent, I think I suppressed the memory for most of my teenage years, so I don't really know, when I was younger I wasn't really attracted to boys, but always kind of curious in a sense, even had some fantasies about getting raped at a young age, so yeah it fucked me up pretty early on


 No.342329

>>342212

Nothing's stopping from getting help except yourself.


 No.342365

>>342329

I've been reluctant about it because I'm not good at handling feelings, but I feel it's the only optipm now




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